Episode 3 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

Harrods.

Just put 'em wherever you can.

Actually, on that side's probably best,

out of everyone's way. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I've only got a 50.

Erm...give him a scooter, Ishmael.

Don't look at me like that. I haven't forgotten you.

-One very shiny £2 piece. Get yourself some sweets.

-Thanks.

-You seem very flush at the moment.

-Really? I hadn't noticed.

-Serrano ham?

-That's bacon.

-Ah...

Fine. Give it to the Komodo dragon which is at my new house,

which is also a boat. I bought a houseboat.

-What have you done with my call sheets?

-Burned them.

From now on, we shall only be writing in the finest silk.

-Is that why the photocopier's broken?

-And your printer.

-I'm glad money hasn't changed you.

-Thank you.

You're still really annoying.

-Where is all this money from?

-I don't know.

Apparently, I am to be presented with a cheque, later.

I reckon it's going to be one of those jumbo cheques.

Tom, are you talking about your bonus?

Oh, sorry, dude, I didn't mean to rub it in your face.

We're all getting bonuses.

They're £150...before tax.

-And, just to clarify, that's not very much?

-No, it's not very much.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Come into my lair. This is Live at the Electric.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My company of weird, but brilliant, laugh-givers are pumped and ready.

Sketches and character comedy more odd than a prime number.

Although, of course, two is a prime number

and that's both even and prime, it divides by one and itself.

# Prime numbers They might be slightly turgid. #

Seriously, I do worry, how does someone like me ever consider,

in the future, having a family?

Someone that does what I do and also, I'm quite emotionally weak.

I come from a background where people start spraying children

when they're about 16, right?

And what scares me is some of the men from my community,

proper hard, working class, the Garys and the Daves.

The type of men that pull themselves along

with the traction of their own Cockney head.

LAUGHTER

The reactions of these men when they hold a baby.

I mean, I know it's a bit sexist, but you, kind of, expect a woman to sort of overflow with tears

and be overwhelmed with emotion when she first holds her child.

It's a stereotype, but you expect it. But the way some men go.

What's going to happen if I ever have a kid?

How would I handle that level of emotion?

My closest thing in my life is a pug called Colin that goes with me everywhere.

I can't even look at HIM without lactating.

What the hell would happen to me?

You know when you see them - these men, these hard men -

the bouncers, the laggers, the scaffolders, they suddenly say,

"When you look down and hold that fucking baby for the first time,

"I swear to God, I've never felt love like it.

"I was overcome. It all makes sense.

"If anyone ever touched a hair on his head, I'd kill 'em.

"The nurse came in,

"I stabbed both her eyes out, cos she looked at my boy."

-LAUGHTER

-It scares me.

And also, it seems to me... How many people in the room have got children? Give me a cheer.

LOTS OF CHEERING

And those of you at home that've got kids, why are there no in between children?

It seems to me there's either angels or demons.

The percentage of children who you're like,

"He's somewhere in the middle, he's quite bad, quite good," is tiny.

It's either, "Hey, we're so lucky, Josh is really well-behaved.

"He's up here at the moment, doing a jigsaw puzzle. We're so happy.

"He's so peaceful. Our marriage is still intact.

"We have sex all the time. I love you, darling."

LAUGHTER

There's that and then there's the other kid.

"Please behave for Mummy! Please!"

"Daddy's going to leave us!" "Silence, Mother!"

LAUGHTER

You know the way that ends? "The power of Christ compels you!"

"The power of Christ compels you."

"It burns, Mother!" I was one of those.

I had that really bizarre thing of pretending to enjoy punishment.

That was my way of getting back at my mum and dad.

I don't mean physical punishment, there was never any physical punishment.

"Don't worry, boy, I can't hit ya, cos if I start, I wouldn't fucking stop."

-"Lovely, thanks, Dad."

-LAUGHTER

There was never any physical punishment,

but they tried using mental punishment, but I was so...

I wouldn't call it clever, devious, I pretended to enjoy it.

"We've confiscated your computer. Thank you, Father, you've made more space."

# More space, where I am beautiful

# You cannot punish me Diplomatic immunity! #

-LAUGHTER

-Lethal Weapon 2, in case you were struggling to place the reference.

And...there was one occasion I particularly remember.

Now, I remember this, I don't remember exactly what I said, my mum filled me in.

Yeah, my mum helped me with my stand-up.

I'd been really naughty at a party, I don't know what I'd done -

stabbed a cat with a fork, drawn a willy on the wall, God knows.

And I'd been separated. Obviously, I was angry, I'm 8-9 years old.

I still had those emotions.

I'm facing the wall, getting more angry thinking,

"How can I get my own back? How can I get my own back?"

And my mum came in after 20 minutes. 20 minutes is a long time!

It's about three days of adult time in kid time.

She was, like, "Right, you've missed most of the party,

but you can rejoin the end of it, if you want."

And I said this, "Do you mind if I don't, Mother, I'm rather enjoying the wallpaper pattern."

LAUGHTER

"The power of Christ compels you!"

-"The power of Christ compels you!"

-APPLAUSE

Now, Wittank will sketch the living hell out of your comedy synapses,

because this is The School!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Jones, what you doing?

-Oh, I'm just

practising my smile for parents' evening.

You might want to turn it down a bit.

I'm not sure who to be more worried about - you or the headmaster.

Well, if it isn't Dick and Dom. Both Dicks, really.

Ohhh!

-Sir, about your behaviour this evening.

-Hmm. Yes.

I'm going to be charming the pants off some banging mums.

-HE CHUCKLES

-And they are going to be dripping.

And this is exactly why we're going to be doing a role play.

-Oh, no! You can play the headmaster.

-I am the headmaster.

I suppose you'll be playing a meddling twat.

We will be playing Mr and Mrs Smith, a nice respectable couple.

-Let's begin. Hello. We're Mr and Mrs Smith.

-And?

-Well, how's our son getting on?

-He's doomed.

-You don't even know who he is yet.

-I don't need to, they're all doomed.

-He would like to go to university.

-# It's never going to happen! #

-Well, it's been lovely chatting to you.

-Shut up, Jones.

-Listen, our son says he's being bullied.

-Course he is. He's a prick!

And... OK, headmaster, you're bringing a great energy,

but I think you could show a bit more respect.

How's this for respect. Your wife is smoking hot.

Come here.

LAUGHTER

-I was actually playing the husband.

-My mistake.

-What?!

LAUGHTER

God, I love parents' evening!

LAUGHTER

Your son's still a prick.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, never mind the shallots, it's Marcel Lucont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

COOL JAZZ MUSIC

Me, again.

LAUGHTER

You are welcome.

LAUGHTER

Persons ask me always, "Marcel, as an international travelling genius,

"how do you cope with so much time wasted on public transport?"

Well, to be honest,

I tend to spend most of my time... wasted on public transport.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

One must get through it, somehow.

You are lucky to have me in your country at all, after my last flight.

A small altercation with a stewardess on the flight.

In my defence, she asked me to put myself into an upright position.

LAUGHTER

With English as a second language, mistakes can and will occur.

There are some ways of making it all more bearable,

if alcohol is not at your disposal.

On the train, one can look out for random acts

of misguided kindness going horribly wrong.

The number of times I have seen a young man give up his seat

to a pregnant woman, only to discover she is simply morbidly obese.

LAUGHTER

On the buses, as well, you can observe the fat person in the jogging costume.

So much fun.

LAUGHTER

You wish to say, "Sir, simply to wear this clothing will not make you thin."

"The requisite exercise must also be achieved."

"Get off the bus."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And you can say this to their face.

It is rare they will chase you.

LAUGHTER

At the airport, do not grow angry with the insecurity guards

checking your pocket, ruining your day.

Simply arrive one hour early and try to fuck up their day instead.

LAUGHTER

You can achieve this in a number of ways.

Take with you in your pocket around 500 ball bearings.

LAUGHTER

Take out one at a time, put on the tray.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You can test their knowledge of physics.

Take in your luggage more than 100 millilitres of ice.

LAUGHTER

Or an enormous bag of steam.

LAUGHTER

Watch it blow their minds,

as they realise they've been told to deal only with one state of water.

LAUGHTER

Enjoy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Merci beaucoup, Marcel Lucont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Essex. Shakespearean verse.

Essex. Shakespearean verse.

Essex? Shakespearean verse.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Scum, now!

-Eh?

Thy ring.

It runs around the bath encircling the army of your filth,

the plughole thick with the pubey evidence

that you do shave your shaft, thus.

Scattering the spider legs, unmasking the web of your lie

and simply for the illusion of length.

-Hey, I did that for love.

-Does thou mark the bog in love, too?

Leaving it so tainted with arse explosions

that Toilet Duck would hatch itself back into an egg.

This ring around the bath is not ill, but predicts thy future.

Hands and rings do make pretty things.

Take this ring.

For a diamond clean bath is worth commitment. Eh?

-Marriage?

-No, not quite that.

But see how it shows what might come. Hmm?

I mean, whinge thou, yet did I leave those to show I'll always stay.

Life will flush at us, but we shall, like that little blue tablet in a pub toilet,

colour its flow with fresh scents.

All bacteria be dead, but one,

the germ which travels to heart from bum.

All that from a skidmark.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And now it's the double act who are so surprising

they've had exclamation marks tattooed on their left arms.

It's Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-LAUGHTER

-Hello!

-Er... I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

-We are doing new sketches!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-By new, he means they might not work.

-They might not work!

-CHEERING

-Look, if they are not going to work,

why don't we play a film in the background?

So they can watch that, see, instead?

You know, something like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

CHEERING

Fine.

Yeah?

-Do you think?

-Yeah, go on then.

Yet, can we go to the place, you know,

where you can download Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Oh, it needs your password.

Erm... sorry?

It needs your password.

-I don't think you need a password.

-Yeah, it's password.

-I don't think that's necessary, is it?

-What's your password?

-Put your bloody password...

-All right. OK.

It's... My password, it's...

.."I want to punch Joe in his stupid fucking face."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Underscore repeatedly."

LAUGHTER

That's quite a long password.

-Shall we do a sketch?

-Oh, yeah, I need a drink of water for this one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Be careful with that.

-Eh?

-Be careful with the water.

-Why?

-I'm a mermaid, remember.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

LAUGHTER

How can you forget something like that?

-Can I see you as a fish?

-No.

-Please?!

-No.

-Please! I've never seen you as a fish. Please!

-No.

-Please!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Nothing's happening. LAUGHTER

It takes about 45 minutes.

Not sure I could be arsed to wait that long.

LAUGHTER

Better go and get another glass of water.

APPLAUSE

Bye-bye.

Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING

Brilliant! Who's next?

-A magician?

-He's from Las Vegas.

-Excellent!

-Tom, why is the fire alarm deactivated?

-Tom, take a seat.

-Help yourself to some Turkish delight.

-There's no seat.

-You could kneel at my feet.

-I'm fine. Tom, are you paying for this?

-Yes.

-What with? I told you your bonus...

-Shh!

Tom, your bonus is only £150.

You realise there are serious consequences for running up debts.

-Like what?

-Like debtors' prison or Wonga.com.

-You could end up in jail, OK?

-I know.

And with this baby face, I wouldn't last a second.

Luckily for me, my fortunes have changed. Read it and weep.

"Dear Tom Sturton. I am your uncle

"and I'm also a very wealthy prince from Africa."

"Lucky for you I am in London today with £300,000 for you."

"All I need is bank details for my bus ride."

Which puts me... five grand in credit.

-Pass me a cola, Ishmael.

-Tom, this is a blatant scam.

Dude, he's my own African uncle.

-I seriously doubt he's going to scam me.

-Oh, my God!

He's suddenly going to give you all his money? Tom, that makes no sense.

Typical white man, sticking his nose in African politics.

You will never understand, Tom.

-I definitely don't understand why he needs your bank details.

-Shh!

Please!

I think you should leave.

Next!

MUSIC: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson

APPLAUSE

OK, ladies and gentlemen,

our next act is so popular with the ladies, he'll never be a Barca loner.

Because he's Madriddled with charisma.

He's... I've got one with Valencia.

-It's Antonio!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FUNK MUSIC

Hola, bitches!

ALL: Hola!

I am Antonio Pascara de Silva, master of seduction,

champion of charm, connoisseur of coitus.

Tonight, I am going to show you how to deal with rejection.

"Rejection. Urgh!"

LAUGHTER

It can be very hard, but do not worry you will be just fine

if you follow my methods.

Or as my doctor calls them "commitment issues."

LAUGHTER But how do we actually deal with rejection?

Do not worry, I will show you. Here is a woman I prepared earlier.

Yes. APPLAUSE

Now watch, OK. Watch how she rejects all my advances. Hey, baby.

Oh! She's giving me the cold shoulder, but I am not interested in this.

Me, I'm looking for a hot finger.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to try again. Hey, baby, tell me, can you buy me a drink?

Ohhh!

LAUGHS That I was not expecting.

Or was I? Urgh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Introducing Antonio's Dick Protector 5000!

One size fits all. Too small? How about now?!

APPLAUSE

With this bad boy, you can get rejected all night long.

Hey, baby. Nothing. You want a drink? Easy.

I want to sleep... It's starting to hurt now.

LAUGHTER

So, why not visit my website?

Actually, no, just see me outside by the bins, to buy your very own Dick Protector 5000!

The unit which protects your unit.

LAUGHTER

And by unit, I mean balls.

Urgh! You're welcome.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FUNERAL MUSIC

May I ask how he died?

Are you taking the piss?

LAUGHTER

Old age?

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Two Episodes of Mash! I love those guys.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, start getting very excited

because it's time to meet a genuine superstar.

Please welcome to the stage, the one, the only, Bubba Duke!

CHEERING

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC

Whoo! Yeah! Woo!

Woo! Boom!

Woo! Woo!

Cut the music. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bubba Duke. Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for these two beautiful sexy ladies, the Bubbarettes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!

Hellfire, I couldn't be a prouder big brother right now.

Go ahead and have fun, girls.

My name is Bubba Duke and I'm a musical sensation.

I'm a little like Taylor Swift...

apart from the fact I got a big old hairy arse

and a nut sack like a rhino.

LAUGHTER Women seem to dig it, though.

I've been getting freaky and having sex all over the globe,

but I treat those women with respect.

I got all their names written on my chest.

LAUGHTER

Hell, yeah. I call that the Bubba hit list.

So, Bubba, what's your story? How did you become such a big superstar?

Back home. I'm like a two-for-one on pot noodles in Morrison's.

I'm a pretty big deal.

LAUGHTER

See, a few years back and some I had an idea for a USP -

that's a unique selling point, for any of you dipshits out there.

I came up with the idea of fusing together country music and hip-hop,

creating something I like to call cunt-hop!

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. It's there, baby. It's a-happening.

I couldn't have done it on my own, though, ladies and gentlemen.

No, I got a partner with me.

Put your hands together for Mr Noogie Carson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I say he's a partner, hell, he's more like a pet.

I've got to take him out and walk him,

I've got to feed him and, hellfire, you jack off in my trailer again I will have you castrated!

LAUGHTER

Before I do you a song, ladies and gentlemen, I've got a little bone to pick with you.

See, I come from Kentucky, man,

and that's the spiritual home of deep-fried chicken.

The thing is, people, I take food mighty seriously.

You need to, too.

I notice that food over here and eating ain't even a professional sport.

Have you not seen Man Versus Food?

Hell, there's a war happening out there, people.

You've got to get your kids ready for fighting.

And I look around and see these skinny little souls

who look like they're only eating four or five meals a day.

LAUGHTER Hell, we got kids back home,

they eat from the moment they get out of bed, to the moment they go to sleep.

Hell, there's some kids back home who can't get out of bed they're so fat.

They carry on eating, anyhow.

It's those brave little souls

that make us the greatest nation in the whole goddamn land. Amen.

APPLAUSE Thank you.

Ain't that right, Noogie?

Yeah, well, I never ate much as a child.

You couldn't eat much as a child,

your momma used to eat all your food for you.

LAUGHTER

She was a good woman. And...I love her.

So I'm going to sing a song for my momma.

And it goes something like this. Hit it.

# There's a town where you know where you're from

# And running around with the sun on your tiny back

# Blue sea and a head full of dreams

# Time of your life when you live like a mother's son

# Making shapes with a cloud and a hat, shout it out

# Seeing things that will make you believe are crap

# Blue sky and bottle of tan

# Time of you life when you live like a mother's son. #

# Bullshit, Noogie, your story ain't straight

# For most of your life you were chained to a gate

# Your momma don't love you, I know how she feels

# You had more dads than you had hot meals

# You've got baggage It's time you dropped it

# I've done some digging, Noogie You was adopted! #

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Bubba Duke. See you on down the trail.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bubba and Noogie!

-CHEERING

-That's all our clips licked almost.

To finish the job, strum your keys at...

So from me and my electrically charged buddies, goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE SNORTS

What is that?

Berocca. 360 a tube, but you're paying for the purity.

-Want a hit?

-No, thanks, trying to cut back.

I've been checking out these e-mail scams,

most banks will cover them.

-You need to call the Fraud Protection Agency.

-Uncle Amisimbo!

What took you so long? HE SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN TONGUE

HE REPLIES IN A FOREIGN TONGUE

BOTH LAUGH

-You got the dough?

-Of course.

Thank you. It's such a relief.

-Till next time, my nephew.

-Until next time.

Oh, shit!

Let me guess. Fake money?

No. It was his birthday today. Never mind, I'll send him a funny card.

Moonpig.com!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd