Episode 4 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

"He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

"I will fear no evil for Thou art with me.

"Thy rod and thy staff, they...

-"They comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence..."

-Do it with an accent.

Like Jesus.

Say it how she would have spake it.

I think Jesus was a man.

CHORTLES AND SPLUTTERS

Tom, I pray that you will be more open-minded on your death bed.

-Tom, you had your tonsils out two weeks ago. You're going to be fine.

-I'm relapsing!

OK, fine. You still don't have a temperature.

When are you going to help me with those lighting crates? They are so heavy...

Must you plague a dying man with these questions?

-How did you get this bed in here?

-My physicians helped me.

They've been looking after me, soothing me, cleaning me.

Who's been cleaning him?

Come on.

Ishmael. He's my favourite.

What else did he make you do, Ishmael?

Sometimes after the sponge baths he makes me...

CRIES OUT IN PAIN

They're becoming more frequent. What did you say they were called?

Contractions. You need to breathe heavily and push.

FARTS

How are we getting on with the will? Is it finished?

-I think so.

-Read it to me. I might want to make some edits.

"Once I am dead and have ascended,

"none of my possessions are to be given to Nubi because he is a butt-hole."

Just read that last part to me again.

"..because I am a butt-hole."

No changes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening!

Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and people from Essex, you're all welcome!

Seriously, I do love this place. This is where me and my parade of sketchy character freaks belong.

Geek Central, yeah?

Personally, I take it as a compliment to be rejected.

That way, the girls can never win!

Dirty girls, even if they do smell lovely.

Girls smell so nice, especially when they're running!

We've got an amazing show for you tonight.

I made sure I got plenty of rest before I filmed this series.

I went to Thailand, which I've never done before.

It's a long-haul flight. It's 13 hours on the way back.

It's that horrible... You get these horrible old ladies doing these weird exercises on the way back!

I always seem to sit in the seat where the old lady's doing her maximum section.

She's always got the jogging bottoms on.

They're like a camel toe if camels had elephantitis!

It's like I'm getting some bizarre octogenarian lap dance!

"I'll do whatever you want for a Werther's!"

Anyway...

I don't know who's been to Thailand. You think it'll be so different.

Bangkok is going to be like another world.

They are weirdly like British people.

Thai and British people are so similar!

That strange mix of real ultra conservatism

and repressedness by day,

and then completely going wild at night.

The Brits do it fantastically.

"Nothing. I'm not going to tell that girl I fancy her, nothing all week, sober.

"Stay in, don't speak. It's Friday night! Finger her behind the skip. Back to work!"

No middle gear. No middle gear. Nothing or orgy!

The Thais are brilliant by day.

"If you would like to remove your footwear. It is respectful to cover your shoulders."

By night, "Please, take off your shoes and cover your shoulders before I wank you off for 20 baht!"

It was an absolutely awesome holiday, and I'll...

It's amazing how many 20 bahts you get through!

I feel the one big question that has escaped the attention of UK social anthropologists and linguists is,

what would happen if the peoples of Essex could converse in blank Shakespearian verse.

Wonder no more.

For we have the answer!

My love, what is this culinary surprise,

for I am hungrier than a junior stockbroker

before the credit crunch!

Stay back, my prince, Daveutio!

I have let thee down like a Lidl helium balloon!

-Sweet trollop!

-My souffle is dead.

Though I did whisk at it, as you do yourself when downloading new porn mpegs!

'Tis deflated.

Flat as a Bruce Forsyth joke!

My sweet, risen mound will not charm thee

after thy day's expense at Kwik Fit.

I have unserviced you!

The suspension of my dessert broken,

the engine of its tin ungreased!

-Hey, you rev too hard!

-To thee I am now a write-off.

A broken-down wench. No angel that thus delights thee.

Is Dick becoming spotted at the thought of my unwomanly hands?

My soul is smashing into biscuit baseness.

Never more will the clotted cream of his love

empty into the moist split scone of mine affections!

Adieu!

Nay, foolish, fair slapper!

See not failure in this unrisen thing but joy!

A souffle risen is but a speech by Nick Clegg.

Air, egginess, heat. Inside, fuck all.

Do you mean it, my love?

Look with thy false-lashed eyes to truth.

This squashed souffle has become a pancake,

a smilier pudd, rolled out in celebration.

Covered in sweetness, enjoyed together.

All is gained and none is lost...

when evenings finish with things being tossed!

And now the only kind of mash people on Atkin's can tuck into,

Two Episodes of Mash!

Hello. This is our bit. Good luck.

-Don't touch me!

-Jesus!

Just get on with it, then.

Can we put a goldfish up here?

Can we make it look like it's trying to decide what A levels to do?

What time is it?

I dunno. It's about quarter past.

Shit! Can you put my eBay account up, please?

-Why?

-I'm bidding on some compost. It's nearly finished.

You're the highest bidder!

Shh! Don't jinx it! Come on!

I really need this compost.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on! Come on!

-Yes!

-Yes! Yes!

-Yes!

High-five! High-five!

-Shall we just get...

-Yeah.

OK.

I'm genuinely knackered!

I feel sick.

Oh, that's lovely.

Are you enjoying my party?

Not many people here, is there?

There's a gazebo in the garden.

It's like a tent with no sides.

Stand under it if it drizzles.

Hmm.

A gazebo. Funny word, isn't it?

You can use it... Oh, I've got a text.

It's from you!

"Don't bother coming. It's shit here."

Sorry.

I sent that to the wrong person!

That's a relief!

Raa!

Sarah, do you mind? I've got a bit of a headache.

Yeah, me, too.

I feel like my skull's been smashed in with a crowbar.

I've got a tummy ache, as well.

Probably caught it off me. My stomach's in agony.

I feel like I've been poisoned with arsenic and my guts are falling out.

-I think I'm...

-And I can't stop burping.

Perhaps you've got consumption.

That...

..or someone's trying to kill me.

Say your prayers, prostitute!

-I'm not a prostitute!

-Shit!

I've come all this way now! I'll just kill you anyway!

Oh, the dark years of The Ripper!

I'm not The Ripper! I'm The...

Um...

The...

I'm The Caesarean!

What?!

The Caesarean.

That's gross!

Well, I've said it now, so...

The Caesarean!

Funny, I've never heard of you!

Oh, so you haven't heard about poor Mary Swiggins

who was cut into a pair of curtains!

We have ourselves a Jack the Ripper wannabe!

You want to watch your mouth.

Some people wouldn't take kindly to a big-headed blather-skite like you!

Especially not The Suckler!

-Who?

-Why, just last week he took a boy's face clean off with a plunger

and fed it to his dog, Pooper.

Then he cut off the boy's stiff, dead hand

and used it to scoop out the brains of his battered skull

before gobbling it down with a pint of blood.

And to finish the job off, he flushed the dismembered body down the crapper!

-I ain't scared of no-one.

-RATTLING

All right, girls? Just give you a heads up.

The toilet's in a bit of a state.

Looks like there's been a murder in there!

I told you I was ill.

OK. It's time to put more north in our life!

Say hello to Lucy Beaumont!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Lucy. I'm from Hull.

CHEERING

Do you know what? I don't think Diane is a good name for steak.

I've thought this for a while, actually.

I don't think it was meant to be called Steak Diane.

I think what's happened is someone's gone, "Steak, Diane."

And someone's overheard and they thought that's what the dish was called.

I think they've probably gone, like,

"Quiche, Lorraine!"

Or, "Eggs, Benedict!"

"Eggs, Florentine!"

Or, "Caesar, your salad's here."

Or "Rogan"... Oh. That doesn't work.

Right, and summat else, as well.

Facebook.

It was annoying me before

when people I knew was putting pictures of their children as their profile picture.

Makes it look like you were friends with toddlers.

That was annoying me. But what people are doing now on my Facebook page

is putting pictures of their unborn foetuses.

You know, the scans from the hospital.

That. I didn't know what was going on.

I thought people was putting black and white pictures of their dinner!

I know. One of my friends put, "Look what we're having."

And I put, "What, liver and onions?"

Do you know what else? My friend, Jackie, she's been single for quite a while, now.

And she met this guy on Facebook.

And literally within two weeks he said, "I'm falling for you.

"I need to come and meet you."

And he got a train to Hull, and I went with her in the car to pick him up.

And he came out the station doors and he saw us both in the car

and he put his bags down like that

and he went...

So we drove off.

Psychopath!

Thank you!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

"Tom's memoirs, chapter two."

A, B, C, D...

-D?

-No, not D.

C?

A, B, C...

-Tom, this is ridiculous.

-Yeah, you're right. How far did we get?

You've just had sex with Natasha Bedingfield

-and now you're smoking a joint with Usain Bolt.

-That's right.

And Sinatra walks in, drunk as a skunk...

No, then it just stops.

-Did I faint?

-No, I left because you kept doing a Usain Bolt impression.

That's the last one, I promise! Please, just push me around so I can say my goodbyes.

Fine.

Oh, so many memories!

Ooh, what's this?

The wet floor sign. Remember that?

That man used to put it down when the, um... When the...

-When the floor was wet?

-Yes, that's right!

How we did laugh!

Oh, and this. The fuse box.

What was that joke I always made about this?

-I don't think you did.

-I called it the confuse box!

-No, you didn't.

-Never knew what it was for.

It turns off the stage lights.

It's your job, but I've been doing it for the past - all of the shows.

You seem sad, Tom. Don't be. I'm at peace now.

Goodbye, Russell.

He looked straight through me! Why is everyone ignoring me? I'm dying!

I don't know. Maybe you've already died and now you're a ghost.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's louche, he's chic, he's with us every week.

Bienvenu, Marcel Lucont!

APPLAUSE

HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: Some male viewers

have written asking me to give advice for the procurement of women.

I am happy to do this via television, as this way, I am paid to do so.

I don't waste any of my own time.

"Marcel, mon ami...

"..if a woman is touching her hair, is this a sign of her affections for me?"

That's Lee from Dundee.

No.

It is more likely a sign of low personal hygiene.

Although, of course, you did not specify which hair she was touching.

"Marcel, I have been with the same woman for three years now

"and I need something to reinvigorate the spark.

"What are your suggestions?"

That's Keith from Leith.

Wow!

Three years? Already this sounds a little clingy to me.

But there are two things a man can do to keep alive the spark.

Number one.

Women, they like to play games.

Always.

Why not try hiding?

Try one, maybe two hours in the cupboard.

Boo! Surprise!

Build it up to three, four weeks away.

Some men, they can hide for decades.

If this is not for you,

you can leave for your loved one around the house small notes

for her to find.

Three word notes are the best.

A different word on a different note

in a different room of the house.

And the best three words a man can leave

are "will", "you" and "me".

She will be searching for the fourth one for days.

Finally,

"Marcel, how do I persuade my woman to get a Brazilian wax?"

From Maximillian from Slough.

Well, the questionnaire should not be how but why?

I don't understand this trend. A woman should have some hair down there.

Not too much. It should not look like it has its own washing instruction on a tag.

But the line of hair, I don't trust.

An American design.

They call it the...uh...

..the landing strip.

It's why I believe it to be American.

The American man, he needs guidance.

He will still miss.

Hit the wrong target.

He will call it "friendly fire".

But it won't be so friendly in the morning!

Well, that is all the advice I wish to give for now.

Remember, men,

there are plenty of fish in the sea.

If you cannot drive a trawler,

you can always make do with a tug.

Jones, have you seen this email from the headmaster?

No. What's an email?

He's planning a staff initiation.

"Prepare to get pissed and be sick in the quad."

It's tradition. He's always sick in the quad.

Well, if it isn't the black-eyed penises!

-Morning, headmaster.

-Look what I found. Bloody saxophone. Listen.

SINGLE NOTE

Trumpet!

Sir, about this initiation.

Be prepared to get shit-faced.

What are the pupils going to do? Watch you get drunk?

No, they'll be far too scared to watch.

When I drink...

..I'm an animal.

How come I never had any sort of initiation?

Never had an initiation?

Oh, dear(!)

BELL TOLLS

What's going on?

Please! This isn't funny!

Jones? Where am I?

What's going on?

Please!

Aghh!

GROWLING

What are you doing?

Look at it!

-Come!

-Aghhh!

No!

Welcome to boarding school.

No!

Right. Now that's done with, we'd better start this initiation.

-IN UNISON:

-Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a woman so temperamental,

her garden has got its own mood swing.

It's Loretta Maine!

Hello. Good evening.

I'm here to sing some songs. Most of my songs come out of love.

So give me a cheer if you've ever been in love.

CHEERING

Great(!)

Give me a cheer if you've ever been fucked over by a man!

CHEERING

That's right, ladies. This is our five minutes.

This song is off my new album: "I Had Your Baby But I Threw It In The River".

And, um...

It's about that brave face you have to put on

when you bump into someone you broke up with

and maybe they moved on a bit faster than you did.

Ass-hole!

# You said that we could still be friends

# But you don't return any of my calls but

# Don't worry I'll keep redialling

# Cos it stops me climbing up these walls

# And I know you got my emails

# Cos I checked in your Inbox

# You didn't change your password and you didn't change your locks

# But I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine

# I just wanted to let you know

# Now seemed like a good time

# You broke my heart and stole my soul

# You vicious Valentine

# But I promise you I'm absolutely fine

You know.

I'm looking at you!

# I watched while you were sleeping from your wardrobe the other day

# I wanted to approach you

# But then what's a girl to say?

# And then your new girlfriend arrived

# And climbed into your bed

# I meant to creep out silently

# But I shot you both instead

# And now I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine

# I'm sorry that I killed you both

# OK, so wrong place, wrong time

# There's blood all over your bedroom

# I can probably sell it to The Guggenheim

# Your girlfriend's in the bin now so I'm fine

# As I lie here and hold your decaying body in my arms

# I just can't help but succumb to your charms

# And although I know you'd think it's wrong

# It feels so very right

# As I clutch your clammy body right into the night

# And now I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine

# Don't worry I won't let it rot

# I've pickled him in brine

# As my relationships go I'd probably rate this a 7.9

# And now we're back together I am fine

# Besides he's dead now, he can't argue so I'm fine. #

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Loretta Maine!

Still, compared to my ex-girlfriend, quite mild.

Now, if you find yourself wanting more clip stimulation after the show,

head to:

That's all from me and my motley crew.

Goodbye!

What are you doing?

-Can you see me?

-Yeah!

Sorry. Thought I was a ghost.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd