Episode 5 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language

-Have you been sharpening the screwdrivers again?

-Yes.

-Ah! A yo-yo.

Where did you buy that? The 1990s?

Ha ha ha(!) Yo-yos are coming back in and at least I have a hobby other than being sarcastic.

-I wish I could do yo-yo tricks!

-I can teach you.

-Fantastic. Yo-yos get me really hard.

-Me, too.

Do you ever find that when...

Very clever! Yeah, would you like a shot of sake with your sarcasm?

Or will you spill it all over your sarky trousers?

-Khaki.

-I don't follow.

You're a bore! All you ever do is be sarcastic and it's boring.

Tom, if I was boring, then why in my school yearbook would I be voted Most Symmetrical Face?

-I am not boring!

-OK. Favourite food?

-Rice.

-Right. Favourite type of pudding?

-Er, rice.

-Rice pudding?

-Just rice.

-Oh, my God. Pick a topic of conversation.

-Phone tariffs.

-Ugh!

-OK, fine - dreams!

-That's even worse!

-No, because the dream I had was a dream within a dream.

And Jack from Titanic was there. And there was a snow section that went on a bit.

Tom...that's just the plot of Inception. What did you really dream about?

Rice.

But I also had a dream about The One Show and Chris Hoy was there talking about fibre...

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello! Hello! Greetings, greetings, greetings, absorbers of comedy,

both scripted and improvised. This is Live At The Electric! CHEERING

Isn't it lovely?

What doesn't come across on TV is it does smell of wee, but it's home.

Tonight, my troupe of oddities are raring to go,

honed character sketches going off in tangents so bizarre, you'll need to inject insulin in your eyes

to deal with the Post-Modernism. We are the good type of sick. A little bit of sickness is good.

I don't trust people and I don't think British people trust people that aren't a little bit sick.

That is the British way. Americans sort of strive for perfection.

We've got that disease a little bit. Plastic breasts, liposuction body, perfect body, perfect hair.

There's something fake about that. We like the girl with the dodgy eye who brings us off by the dogshit bin.

There's something more real about the girl next door with the real body, the teacup with the crack in it.

This is why a lot of people are suspicious about the computers we use every day.

PC users are very suspicious of Macs. It represents perfectionism.

Macs - I don't trust 'em with their sleek, steel coating. They can't get a virus. It's not right.

The more positive it is, the more British people hate it. That's why we stick our thumbs through jellies.

Stick my thumb in the jelly! I don't know who did that. Weird.

I'm so immature. I'm getting MORE immature. Why didn't our dads and uncles warn us? You liars!

Coming into our rooms when you're 17 going, "This is as bad as it gets. I know you masturbate every day,

"but it gets better." You liars! We become more pervy and more juvenile the older we get.

It's horrible. I've hung on to it. I've always been juvenile. My poor brother was on the receiving end.

Three years younger than me. The worst age gap, following me, join in everything I do.

My mum made James join in all the games. One time there was justice.

Those of you thinking of messing with drink and drugs forget the best free buzz - going red on purpose.

Eh? How good was that?

And then afterwards... "I think that was cut with something."

I was a purpler. Any other purplers? I could go fully purple.

"You'll injure yourself." "I'm OK, man! I'm going into the hole."

That was my party trick. My neck goes all fat, veins in the head. I was the best at it.

And here you are... My friends were staying over, my crew,

having a wicked night. Some of us had done some Horlicks, half a rich tea. We were level buzzed, you know?

And we're all stood round in the kitchen, in our pyjamas. I'm going...

And my brother, the only person that can go red better than me,

is walked in by my mum. "Let him join in." Wearing the same pyjamas as me.

What goes through your head to put a smaller, less significant sibling in the same clothes, you sick fucks?

Right, anyway... How undermining is that?

Anyway, my brother goes, "I want to go red on purpose!" I knew I'd get rinsed by him.

This is one of the best moments of justice in my childhood. "Watch this." And he went...

..and shat himself! LAUGHTER

And the reason I remember it so clearly, I'm sorry to be graphic,

but just one Malteser poo rolled out...and he chased after it like he could change history.

"Don't tell Dad!" Of course not. "Dad, there's shit under the fridge."

APPLAUSE

Now...this might have a really bad rating on the Glycaemic Index,

but when it comes to comedy this is exactly what you're looking for. Two Episodes of MASH!

CHEERING

COINS IN A SLOT

What are you doing?

Buying some Johnnies.

Why?

I've been on one of these missions before and they can get well out of hand.

CHEERING

And now the only Spaniard to be banned from Pamplona

because when he stands proud in his Speedos, the crowd don't know which "bulls" to look at!

It's Antonio!

Hold onto your titties! It's me, Antonio!

Seduction expert, master lovemaker and disgraced massage therapist.

Today's lesson: how to get rid of male competition.

'Hands off, muchachos.'

That's right. Every other guy is a potential threat to your lovemaking schedule.

You're a threat, you're a threat.

Ha ha ha! Please!

LAUGHTER

You see, I am a lover, not a fighter,

although I do have a black belt in lovemaking. Hoo! Ha!

Ohhh!

But we must never, ever use violence. After all,

-if your face is broken how can a woman sit on it?

-LAUGHTER

Take this happy, unsuspecting couple over here. Look at this guy.

He's a loving, caring boyfriend. Exactly the kind of guy we need to get rid of!

Now we ask him his name.

-Hey, man. Tell me, what is your name?

-Er, Mark.

That's a cool name. Now instantly forget it!

This will undermine him.

So, Barry...

LAUGHTER

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Step two: now we intimidate him with a lunge.

So...

Richard... tell me, what exactly do you do for a living?

-I'm a...

-No matter what he says, upstage him by wielding a sword!

Finally, step three. OK?

You tell him that you are leaving and then you show him the respect that he deserves.

Hey, man. Stand up and put it there, huh?

And...sleep.

APPLAUSE

And now we get rid of him. Juan Carlos! I've got another one.

And so, just as rival stags lock horns,

you must lock him in some kind of container for up to 6-8 hours.

He's currently on his way to Madrid.

TWO GUNSHOTS

-Maybe not.

-LAUGHTER

Either way, I don't think he's coming back. Say hello to your new boyfriend...

Unhh!

Muchas gracias!

Hit me. ..Oh!

Hit me. ..Ow!

Hit me harder. ..AAH!

I need to get back to work.

-OW! We've stopped playing!

-Ooh! Sorr-ee!

Stop messing around and pass me the scissors.

-What are you doing?

-I'm getting my special mug. I'm really parched.

That was a stupid place to put it.

Oh! Oh...

Uh-oh. Lizzie, I'm stuck. Help me.

-I can't. I'm busy doing all of the work.

-But if you don't help me, I might never get down!

I could be stuck up here... forever.

WIND HOWLS

Hello!

Were you trying to get the, um...

the...the, um...

-I don't...

-It's the Mug of Eternal Youth.

Ah, right, yeah. I was.

Is this, um, metamorphic or igneous rock?

I'm not sure.

Maybe it's glam rock!

Or, um...shamrock.

Or party f-rock. Fraggle Rock.

-Rocky. Rocky II. Rocky III. Rocky IV. Rocky V. Did they do Rocky VI?

-Will you...

-I'm probably going to go.

-No, don't!

-See you.

-Nooo!

Nooooooooo!

Have you finished?

Nooooooooo!

"Please, sir. Can I have some more?" All right. It's Two Episodes of MASH!

CHEERING

Hello!

-I'm Joe. This is Diane.

-Hello.

-Don't have your packed lunch now.

Have it on the bus home.

New lunch box, in fairness. Go on, show them.

-Can we continue?

-Yeah.

-Right. I've got to go off for the first one. Diane, sort the pictures out.

-Can we, um... Oh, Joe! Someone's Skyping us!

-Who is it?

-It's your Auntie Doreen.

-Oh, shit.

-Hello!

-Hello, Auntie Doreen.

-You all right, love?

-Yeah, thanks.

-Just in the middle of something here.

-I'm just calling about that rash on my hip.

-Right.

-It's on the mend.

-OK.

-It's much better.

-Good.

-It's much less flaky.

-The doctor reckons I'm allergic.

-Right.

-To almonds.

-OK. Sort of in the middle...

-Sorry, love. You doing one of your little shows?

-Yep.

He's doing one of his shows. It'll be embarrassing.

Let me just go and grab an Um Bongo.

Quick, do it now. Do it now. Do it now.

-Hurry up. She'll be...

-I can't believe you had plastic surgery.

-You know, new face for a new millennium.

-That was 13 years ago.

Yeah...

-Well, let's get it off, have a look.

-OK, I'm quite intrigued to see the results myself.

-Nearly there.

-Ah...

-Oh, my God! You look exactly like me!

-Ah, you've noticed.

-Of course I have!

-They said, "What do you want?" I was looking at your Facebook...

-And copied my face?!

This is weird!

Can I have a look in the mirror?

LAUGHTER

-I like it.

-I don't!

-It's not just you I copied.

-What?

Have a look at these.

-Recognise them?

-No.

They're the same as your cousin Wendy's.

That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that it?

-Yeah.

-Oh.

Yeah, it was...very good. Well done. We're proud of you.

-And we'll speak to you later.

-OK.

-Right? Love you.

-Love you.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Did you see that?

What a pile of shit!

It is embarrassing. I hope they're not going to put that on the telly.

No wonder his mother's on anti-depressants.

AUDIENCE "Awww!"

All right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hope I'm not in your way, Tom.

Tom?

-Sorry, I hadn't noticed you.

-Did you know that the mayfly only lives for 24 hours?

-Kind of reminds me of the way I live my life.

-Because it's a fact as boring as you are?

-No.

Because I live each moment as if it's my last. Oh, by the way,

do you know any good spots I could bang out a quick oil?

-Methinks the muse is with me today.

-No, sorry, I don't.

-Cool. I'll get my charcoals, do some free sketches.

-Have you been cooking in here?

-Yeah.

Baking my own bread. Like I usually do. Want a slice?

-No, thanks.

-Yeah, I'm not very hungry. I've been eating Ecstasy all day.

-Which was exciting.

-The sooner you accept you're boring, the better.

Phil from Maintenance doesn't think I'm boring. I'm showing him my atlas collection this evening.

Hi, guys. Just to let you know, Phil has killed himself.

It's not to do with me.

Oh, and, Tom, he said it was because of you.

Right. I feel the need for a cultural trip to the edge of Yorkshire. It's Lucy Beaumont!

Hello. I'm Lucy. I'm from Hull. SMALL CHEER

If you don't know Hull, it's a lot different to other cities.

Like you've got London that's just held the Olympics.

And Hull has just held Zumba classes you can smoke in.

I'd like to read you a poem now.

This one is loosely based on my next-door neighbour.

It's not bad.

Syphilis.

LAUGHTER

Does anybody here write poetry?

No.

My friend got married in October and she said, "Would you write one and read it out at the ceremony?"

And I said, "Yeah, I will." And when I found out I wasn't bridesmaid, I changed it a bit.

I called it Nobody Talks About Heroin At Weddings.

And the end of it went...

There are people dying Wars being fought

Families being torn apart

You just enjoy yourselves. LAUGHTER

It didn't go down very well, actually. But I heard about this other wedding. 18 grand it cost.

And they was meant to have a firework display outside at the end.

It was meant to say in big letters, "Dave loves Cass!" Like that.

But the C didn't light up. LAUGHTER

I know. And he's a bit camp as well.

Syphilis.

Janice was shocked to hear that she had camel toe.

Well, she weren't that shocked cos she was going dogging later.

Thank you.

-Jones, shouldn't the headmaster be back by now?

-Back?

-From where?

-The Year Nine farm trip.

The farm trip, Jones! You did the risk assessment for it.

Yes...

-Well, if it isn't Simon and Garfuckyourselves.

-Morning, Headmaster.

Christ! What's that smell?

That would be shit. I had a fight with a horse. I won, but it did shit on me.

Anyway, I've got some rather exciting news, people.

I've bought us a piglet.

-You bought a pig?!

-Bought, stole. The main thing is I've got one.

-We cannot have a pig in school. Do you know what pigs eat?

-Yes - bacon.

-Where's it going to sleep?

-In the corner with Jones.

-But that was a reward for my hard work!

In your basket, Jones!

-Sir, you haven't thought this through.

-Haven't? Haven't? More like have.

-It's a Health and Safety nightmare.

-It might grow antlers. Or a gun!

-You have to return it!

-I'm not going back to Shitbury farm!

-This is so typical of you!

-No, YOU shut up!

-You think you can swan in here...

-Swan? It's a pig.

-Exactly!

-If I want to bring a pig...

-THEY ALL YELL

I am the bloody headmaster!

All right, fine!

Sir, this is just a school packed lunch.

-What?!

-It's just a packed lunch.

But if this isn't the piglet, then where...

Dmitri!

Oh, my God! I think I'm going to be sick! I've just eaten a piglet!

Next up, a man so French he bleeds Beaujolais, sweats Brie and breathes pure Gauloises.

And, of course, he shits... on the women in his life.

It's Marcel Lucont!

Ah.

British television.

Like a one-night stand to me,

I may be on you, but this does not mean I respect you.

LAUGHTER

For some time I have observed UK television.

I see you cannot resist a show if there is somebody mentally or socially subnormal

being humiliated in some way or other.

So with this in mind I have some suggestions of my own

which I hope to get made into TV. I am sure you will see them all soon on your screen.

Number one. How Shit Is Your Life?

Contestants must nominate the strongest-willed person they know from their group of friendship

who is then visited by a team of experts who criticise everything in their life

and eventually break them down and force them to conclude everything in their life is actually shit.

Number two: I Am A Claustrophobic, Get Me Out Of Here.

LAUGHTER

Quite self-explanatory.

Number three:

Drag Queens' Den.

Eager, yet misguided entrepreneurs will announce business proposals

to a table of bitchy and sarcastic drag queens

who will ignore most of their words and instead comment in a snide way

about the contestants' shoe and jacket combination, hairstyle and general demeanour.

There will be absolutely no intention to commission a single idea.

Number four:

Veal Or No Meal.

LAUGHTER

Vegan contestants are... LAUGHTER

..transported to remote, desolate areas of the world -

Arizona, Antarctica...

Hull -

and starved for one day. They are then presented with an array of boxes which they can choose to open.

It soon becomes obvious that every single box contains veal. LAUGHTER

A banker will call and offer more veal.

Contestants must question their principles and decide... veal or no meal.

And, finally,

Zidane, You Are Rocking The Boat.

Seven contestants are placed on a boat which they are told to row across the Channel.

Also on this boat is Zinedine Zidane

who will occasionally, and without warning, rock the vessel from side to side

to try to displace the crew members.

Contestants are allowed one attempt each to politely ask Zidane to stop.

If a further attempt is made by the rower, the ex-captain of France is allowed instead

to head-butt the person into the water.

If you do not like a single idea, why not combine these shows

to create I Am A Shit, Watch Drag Queens Throw Veal At Me From A Boat?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marcel Lucont!

Now if you're looking for more stimulating clips, there's an extra squirt to be found at:

From me and all my little forks of enlightening lightning, goodbye!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen of Live At The Electric backstage, welcome to my famous exciting show!

Many of you may recognise me as the guy who makes his own bread or the guy who likes art...

-Who is this guy?

-No idea.

Stop talking! But after today you will forever remember me

as the exciting nutter and complete legend who jumped from the balcony into the paddling pool

wearing nothing but a silly, hilarious sumo suit.

Those of you who are faint of heart look away now.

-That guy's got a yo-yo.

-Yeah, will you look at that!

CHEERING

I did it!

Guys...

Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Wow.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd