Episode 6 Live at the Electric

This show contains adult humour and some strong language.

-Somebody's broken my longboard.

-How are you going to get home?

It's cool, I'll use my skates,

but they're a nightmare on the Tube. Who would do this?

Hang on - there's a note.

"Let's see you fix this, techie dorks. Stagehands are dicks.

"Lighting Crew rule."

Sons of bitches! I bet they stole my Big Bang Theory DVDs.

-Maybe.

-Definitely. I told you it was funny. Either way...

I'm going to get them back for what they did to your skateboard.

-Longboard.

-Whatever.

I'm not just going to roll over and let these guys bum us.

Wait, they...want to bum us?

It's a gangster expression, you know,

-"That guy just fucked me in the ass!"

-Oh, right, yeah.

They got a crew. We need a crew.

What are you saying?

I'm saying we need to set our differences aside and gang together.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

we need to form our own gang.

Wait...

-What are you saying?

-I literally can't put it any other way, Tom.

-Do you want to start a gang with me?

-I'll have to consult

my rollerblading crew, but I don't see that as a conflict of interest.

We'll need more than two members.

Ishmael, want to join a gang?

-Do we get to wear bandanas?

-I don't know.

Do we, Tom?

Fine by me.

CHEERING

Sisters, brothers, sons and daughters,

blessed be the Director General

for the beginning of another Live At The Electric!

CHEERING

Tonight's show is going to storm it like the Bastille! Similes.

Be careful even watching it, you might laugh so hard

that your Tena Lady flies off and sticks to the coving.

I, er... Look, I am doing good

and I'm very lucky to have this job, and it's wonderful,

but my body sometimes doesn't know how lucky I am.

It's the problem when you've got a job that's brilliant

and you feel blessed. Your body doesn't go,

"It's OK that you're overworked, it's an exciting job."

Your body goes, "Help me!" So what I did was, I went to a spa.

It's a posh spa, I won't say where it is,

and I was there with a new girlfriend

that I'm seeing at the moment... Because I am straight

and I've got a girlfriend, so take that, Google!

Anyway, me and Brian, we were chilling out in our room...

And, uh, I was at dinner

and I was sat next to Nicole Scherzinger

and Lewis Hamilton. I could not believe it.

I was totally starstruck, right?

I might not be into sport and all that,

but I admire what the dude does and she is a frickin' goddess!

And I'm at dinner and I'm listening to her going,

"Oh, baby, that lamb chop's so good. Mmm, tuck into that lamb!

"That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, baby! Oh, yeah!

"My potato chips are so good, mmm! Don't ignore that, baby boy!" Right?

At least, that's what I heard, in my demented teenage mind.

I just felt so inadequate next to her and, like,

I know she gets a bit of stick.

I'm a bit of an admirer of Tulisa as well,

I think she's got a good spirit... I do. I am.

And I suddenly thought... how difficult it must be

to stand next to someone like Nicole Scherzinger all the time,

and they did that X Factor together.

What must that feel like? That would be like me

stood next to some David Gandy figure or something like that.

When the screen goes up and Nicole Scherzinger walks out like this,

"Right, baby boys, I've descended from the heavens

"to entertain your ass. You like what you see? Uh!" Like that!

And Tulisa walks out from the smoke going,

"I'm sorry I'm late, I stood in dog shit. I'm sorry!"

HE RETCHES

"Do these trackies look all right?"

"I was bringing on Fazer by the bins."

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

What is that? Do you know what that looks like?

You know when middle-aged people

don't want to have sex with each other any more?

That's what it looks like. "No, Roger, no!"

"No! No, Roger!"

"Please, Muriel!" "No!"

"Just do me a Telegraph crossword, Roger."

Anyway, I'm one of those snidey idiot double-standard people

who like to mock reality television while sobbing over the finals.

"Don't come in! I'm watching it at the moment.

"I'm watching a Stephen Fry documentary about adjectives.

"Don't come in...

"He's been on a journey!"

Right?

"No, we don't watch any reality television. It's disgusting.

Sometimes, we just stand in the garden covered in hummus

-going, "Free Tibet! Free!"

-HE CHANTS

"That's what a woman looks like, Roger. We have hair. Get over it!"

HE BLOWS

That's her pubes in the wind.

-"Women have hair, Roger!"

-HE BLOWS

I guarantee there are people watching this, shocked -

women had pubes in the '80s. Didn't know. Didn't know.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"You don't know what we went through back then...

"in the '80s, for you!"

"You could have shaven...

"You don't know what it was like!"

"Barry lost his oesophagus."

-IN RASPY VOICE:

-"That's right!"

"She had a right gorilla salad!"

GROANING

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just introduced the phrase

"gorilla salad" to the United Kingdom.

APPLAUSE

I'll tell you the bit that does wind me up about these reality shows.

It doesn't matter whether you're on ice, having talent, X Factor...

Even the celebrity ones, even the types of programmes

that I might be encouraged to go on, it's the same thing.

The sob story is trotted out before the performance,

as though somehow, the shit that you've gone through

modifies how tonal your voice is.

Look, I'm sorry if you've lost someone, don't see your kids,

your marriage has failed, you were adopted - news flash!

Most people watching this have had some shit happen to them.

That's called life. You don't get to ejaculate out of your gob and then,

"Oh, my God, sad story. Suddenly his voice is more in tune."

It makes no difference whatsoever!

There's no-one that can go to work on Monday and go,

"Do you mind if I don't do my filing?"

# My nan's quite ill

# Is my filing better now you know my nan is ill? #

No, your filing's the same! You're fired, you prick! Get out!

Now, if this show had a syllabus,

then WitTank would be the ones to write it.

Why? Because they're taking us back to The School.

Jones, there's a wealthy prospective parent coming in today,

so could you try and be normal for a change?

Of course, I'll just make a note.

Oh, and, Jones, she was widowed recently,

-so try and act sensitively.

-DOOR OPENS

Well, well, well, if it isn't the Fuckle Brothers!

-Morning, Headmaster.

-Jones, come here.

-OK.

Thank you.

-Sir, you haven't forgotten about our guest today?

-Ah, yes, the WILF.

-The what?

-A widow I'd like to f...

-That's enough, Headmaster, the woman is in mourning.

-Yes, I know.

Wealth and grief make me incredibly aroused.

-I hope she's wearing a veil.

-Oh, look, please don't pester here!

Pester? Huh! She's not a WILP.

She's a woman on my banging list.

A WOMBL.

Excuse me, sorry, I was just looking for...

Rosie?

Neil?

My goodness, it's been years!

The last time...

we saw each other must have been...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

This is my son.

A son?

Hello!

Hello, yourself.

Jones...

come here.

Oh, hello there. I understand you're a WILF.

Hello, little one. You know, you look remarkably like...

-Ow!

-Darling!

That's my boy!

I like your school.

-And I like your beard.

-Thank you.

-I was born with it.

-You know, I think you're going to do very well here.

We should celebrate. Gin?

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly drink in the mornings. Mummy doesn't like it.

I beg your pardon?!

-I don't drink alcohol and I respect my mother.

-You're not my son!

-You can't hit a child!

-You're right.

-She wasn't a WOMBL, she was a wanker.

-What does that stand for?

APPLAUSE

The School! How good was that?

Now...

They say that laughter isn't always the best medicine,

so if you're having an asthma attack, look away now,

because this is Two Episodes of Mash!

WHOOPING

Hello, I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

-Uh, it's our bit.

We've got a green screen.

Uh, we can do anything up here, so we thought we'd, uh,

draw the first background using a huge Etch-o-Sketch.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Why?

Just do it, you knobhead.

(Oh, God!)

-Go left a bit.

-Piss off.

-Go left a bit!

-What do you mean, "Left a bit"? I'm doing up and down.

-Why are you doing, anyway?!

-DON'T SHOUT AT ME!

-Well, don't...

-You haven't even told me what we're drawing!

-It's just...

-What are we drawing?

-I DON'T KNOW!

-An Etch-o-Sketch!

-Oh...

-Do you want to...?

-This is shit.

No, you're right. It's shit.

Let's just do a sketch.

It's too big to shake.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

First sketch...

Uh...

That's, um...

-That's a forklift, there.

-Right, right, yeah.

-I've had that about a year.

-Right.

-Uh, admin area over there.

-OK.

-We do invoicing, that sort of thing.

-Yeah.

-Uh...

Then you got the staff room at the back, and this is, um...

..pretty much where we, uh...

-where we make the chocolate.

-Right.

-I still can't believe I found the golden ticket.

-Yeah.

-It's amazing.

-Yeah, well done, yeah, yeah.

The chocolate wrappers over there, and that's, uh...

that's pretty much it, yeah.

Yeah. Unless you want to see where we park the van.

What, that's it? That's the whole tour?

Pretty much, yeah.

I thought at least there'd be, like, a chocolate fountain or something.

Why? It's just a factory.

I spent about 300 quid trying to find that ticket!

You fucking idiot!

-This is a rip-off!

-Yeah, I know!

-More like Willy Wanker's Chocolate Factory.

-Hey!

It hasn't really got an end.

Hold on, I'll tell you what we'll do.

What?

-Let's pop that video of me...

-Oh, yeah, the pen one?

-Yeah.

Can you pop that video up of me doing the, uh, bendy pen trick?

LAUGHTER

There's your big finish.

APPLAUSE

What thinkest thou, my love?

Er...big!

It's huge.

It has more volume than a pensioner's telly.

-I can see by your face you like it not.

-Nay, nay.

And now we come to the chop, for I do loathe those munting locks.

Would that she'd done a Britney

and shaved her pate, I could hate it less.

Look how the hair piles and piles like old clothes

outside a Sue Ryder shop.

I must speak false and do it well.

Phwoar! Ha-ha-ha!

In my breeches, it's like...

a dropped garden hose.

-Fibber thou.

-Nay.

Tis so beautiful that beauty doth overflow, folding back in on itself,

making my face spasm so it portrays the opposite, me in disgust -

-but it is not.

-Oh, make love to me, then.

Prove the rigidity of thy desire.

-Can I do you from behind?

-Bastard!

-It was jest.

I cannot make love to thee yet, so fresh.

Thou art KFC to me,

hot and crisply served by permed locks,

awash with secret blends of herbs and spices.

Thou make me the Colonel,

assembling the battered army of my desire. Hmm?

Oh, Daveutio,

thy zesty words are a refreshing lemon wipe

on my greasy fears!

Good. Right...

See you, then.

What a c...

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Diane...

Diane!

Di...

Diane!

-Diane!

-What? I think your invisibility's worn off.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES

Done!

Nice! The detailing is dope!

Yeah, it's that new Miami Tungsten I was telling you about.

It really makes the eyes pop.

Is that it? I wish you'd told me what size we were getting.

Why didn't you stop me?

THICK AMERICAN ACCENT: First rule of the gang -

gangsters don't tell other gangsters what to do.

(Is the second rule to have a silly accent?)

-What was that?

-Nothing.

Now, the second,

-we're going to discuss what to do about this skateboard.

-Longboard.

Whatever. But right now, I'm going to talk about hierarchy.

Let me lay it down. I'm at the top...

I literally can't understand you with that accent.

Sorry, I thought it added something.

I was just saying I want to talk about hierarchy.

-I'm at the top. Tom answers to me. Ishmael, you answer to Tom.

-Cool.

Ishmael, give me a handjob.

Overruled - if anything, he should give ME a handjob,

but not now, or ever.

Fine.

Ishmael, get me a beer, but I want it warm.

I always have my beers warm. That's my thing.

Yeah, same here. I like them hot though.

Hot beer is my thing.

Quite similar to mine.

Look who it is.

Everybody look tough. Ishmael...

get my beer ready. HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES

-Is that a school trip?

-Don't know.

I'm pretty sure I saw the lanky one getting a handjob.

HE SPITS BEER OUT Ugh! That's too hot, Ishmael!

APPLAUSE

Now...

Please give it up for the only Frenchman

we don't mind crossing our path, or should that be...

croissant our path?

GROANING

I'll be in my dressing room. This is Marcel Lucont!

APPLAUSE AND GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

Well...

time for a little bit of a cultural exchange.

I will give to you some culture in the form of poetry.

You will give to me your applause.

LAUGHTER

This is my ode...

to erectile dysfunction.

LAUGHTER

"No Hard Feelings."

APPLAUSE

HE CLEARS THROAT

What...is a man to do

When the brush that stirs the glue

Is no longer rigid oak

But balsa left to soak?

Why...has man's best friend

On whose posture you depend

Chosen simply to bend...

Not extend?

If the blame

Cannot be aimed

At cocaine

Or vats of wine

Then it's time

To concur...

It is her!

Women...do not be shocked

A dick half-cocked

Must not be mocked

Perhaps the pocket snake

Has an headache!

He gets the blues

When you refuse

To kiss it better...

When they occur

At 5am

And he taps you

On the back

For your assistance

With persistence

And you...

Say...

"No!"

So...off he goes

And from misuse

He is disposed to self-abuse

He sheds a milky tear

And shrivels back

In fear

The way to the heart of a man

I have read

Is via the stomach

Or so it is said

But I put it to you that instead

It is true there's an organ

You have sadly forgotten

Like the heart, during workouts

It expands and contracts

It is vital and blood-filled

And prone to attacks

And without proper care, it turns rotten!

APPLAUSE

Sarah, we've got so many costumes to make.

-Please can we just say I've won?

-No, I've still got £2 left.

We've been playing the same game for two weeks!

We started Cluedo five months ago, we still haven't finished that!

I know it was Professor Plum, I just can't prove why.

-Or Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

-It's really, really hard!

It's for five-to-ten year olds!

-Oh, please, Lizzie!

-Oh!

Community chest.

I have just won second prize in a beauty contest.

Out of two people.

Cos that joke never gets old(!)

SHE SIGHS

Ha! Go to jail, go directly to jail,

do not pass go, do not collect £200!

Well, we're never going to finish

if you keep throwing the dice on the floor.

You're late.

Sorry, Barry, I got stuck at Pall Mall.

Some idiot parked a ship in the middle of the road.

-How are you?

-How am I?

Let me see...

My husband's in jail and I'm mortgaged up to my eyeballs.

-You used to be fun.

-Try being fun

when you're in debt to the electric company to the tune of £150!

I told you, all I've got to do is play the game

and I'll be out of here soon.

Well, what if I don't want you any more, Barry?

-What if I want something better?

-Please, Cheryl, take a chance!

No, I'm going to get myself out of this mess, and you want to know how?

I'm going to land on Free Parking, and I'll be so filthy rich,

I'll buy the biggest property on Mayfair

and everyone will come and stay in it

and I'll call it the Big Red Hotel!

Cheryl, don't leave me here, I've got nothing!

It's game over, Barry.

Good luck.

Oh, Cheryl, you left your...

Yes! I'm free, and I'm back in the game!

-FROM STAGE:

-Now sit back and enjoy Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING

SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC

Diane, come and have a look at this.

LAUGHTER

You do know the family are having an open coffin, don't you?

LAUGHTER

I've used permanent marker.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

he's a giant of a man and a legend in his own words,

so please give it up for Bubba Duke!

MOTORCYCLE REVS

MUSIC: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit

# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin''

# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'... #

Whoa!

# ..Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'

# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'

# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'... #

Stop the music.

You ladies fancy a ride?

BOTH: Yeah, Bubba!

Well, take this in the car park, go have some fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, how we all doing?

-CHEERING

-Can I get a yeehaw?

AUDIENCE: Yeehaw!

Can I get a Boom Town?!

AUDIENCE: Boom Town!

Ladies and gentlemen, you're very lucky tonight.

You are in the presence of a musical god.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a damn superstar.

-LAUGHTER

-See, a few years back,

I had a eureka moment.

I had the idea of crossing and blending two kinds of music -

country music and hip-hop...

creating something I like to call...

"Count"-hop.

LAUGHTER

I ain't lying, man.

I ain't slept alone since...

..which Noogie here ain't too happy about,

but beggars can't be choosers. Am I right?

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up to Noogie Carson.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes!

He's a good guy. I love him, man, but he is irritating.

Hell, he's so irritating, thrush is afraid of catching him.

LAUGHTER

Yeah! Hellfire!

I don't want to waste time talking about this piece of shit though.

LAUGHTER

I want to talk to you about something I couldn't live without.

Women.

My world has three types of women.

Type number three...

you got breeders.

Now, breeders are important women

because they're the women who are going to carry and raise your kids.

And they're worth every cent of child support you give them.

LAUGHTER

-Next up, you've got boilers.

-LAUGHTER

The boilers are the funny looking women of the world.

Yeah, they've got a funky nose,

neck like a tortoise...

maybe their whole face looks like a side of ham.

LAUGHTER

I don't mean to be offensive, ladies and gentlemen,

I realise if I was a lady, I'd be a boiler myself.

LAUGHTER

Lastly, you've got my favourite type of woman...

the beautiful women, man,

sweet-ass mamas,

tweety birds,

friggin' fly honeys...

Tell me, Noogie, what do you call them?

-I prefer...human being.

-Oh, he's a sensitive kind.

That's why he ain't getting no pussy.

LAUGHTER

I like to call them sticky rib women,

because they're finger-lickin' good.

LAUGHTER

Hell, I could eat one just about now. Boom town!

How you doing, friend? You got a song for us?

Yeah, I'm, uh...

I got a song about my sister.

Oh, she was a good girl, man.

It's a year since she passed and I...

..I miss her, Bub.

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC

-# Hurt is on my sleeve

-Say what, say what...?

# I wasn't ready for you to leave

# What? What? What?

# Sister of a man

# Oh, sister of a man

# Lost in God's own mighty plan

# I miss her big fat titties and her itty-bitty waist

# Her tight little butt and her dirty filthy face

# Gang bang's ain't the same

# We all miss ya

# Rest in peace, Noogie's dead sister. #

-Yeah!

-APPLAUSE

I've been Bubba Duke. See you down the track!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Bubba Duke, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah!

Woo!

Well, if you're gagging for more performance,

you'll see we've laid our clips wide for you at...

So from me and all four corners of the Electric Circuit, goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES

MUSIC STOPS

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, brother! Where's your bandana?

Drop the accent, Tom. I found this in your drawer.

You wrote the note, didn't you?

There is no "Lighting Crew."

There is! They stole my...

I just don't understand why you would have made it all up.

I didn't! I just...

I just...

I just always wanted to be in a gang.

Sorry.

It's cool.

I actually quite enjoyed it while it lasted.

Plus, those lighting guys have always been dicks to me, so...

I can't believe you broke my skateboard.

I thought it was a longboard.

-Where's Ishmael?

-I don't know. I thought he went home.

I never thought his heart was in it, anyway.

This is for the longboard.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd