Episode 7 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

-And this is the fuse box. Any questions?

-Erm, yeah.

-That was rhetorical. Never ask me any questions.

-Hello, there!

Tom. Should have told me we had models coming on set!

I would have got my camera out and started taking photos.

That was creepy. New technician, this is Tom.

Tom, this is new technician.

But you can call her "I don't give a shit what your name is,

-"Cos you're my little bitch!"

-That's no way to speak to a lady.

-What's your real name? Let me guess. Jennifer Aniston?

-It's Holly.

Ah, Holly.

Reminds me of, um...Christmas.

What are you, erm... What are you asking for for Christmas?

Christmas? It's summer, I'm not sure yet.

Yeah, but if you had a gun to your head?

-I don't know. A new pair of roller blades.

-Oh, you blade? Sick.

It's called in-line skating, and she'll be getting a lump of coal

and a P45 from me if she keeps standing around nattering!

Does that mean I'm on your naughty list?

The funny thing is, he genuinely does have a naughty list.

-Why is that funny?

-Have you been reading my Filofax?

-And he has a Filofax.

-Oh, nice. Which type?

-Spy edition.

Well, you should have turned the page, doofus,

cos you would have seen a picture of a hand doing this.

-Ooh, zing!

-Well, check the next page, cos I got my hand doing this!

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

Bye.

Oh, my God. What a dork. It must be so hard being the cool one.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello! Welcome to Live at the Electric.

What a show we have for you, you succulent bastards.

Loaded into the cannon of my mirth, character and sketch comedians

who will not only make you pee yourself laughing,

but fully shit yourself cackling in front of your mates.

As you gaze upon that poo, dribbling down your legs,

this in turn will provoke more laughter,

setting in motion an infinite cycle of excrement and cackling,

culminating with you finishing your days in a hospice

for the comically insane.

LAUGHTER

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of shits and giggles!

# He's done an actual joke. # He's done an actual joke! #

Now, all my friends are having kids.

I come from a community where people have children young,

you know what I mean?

At 16, if you haven't sprayed out a child you're considered infertile.

"Everyone else got Leanne pregnant, why can't you be normal?"

"Put your spliff down and go and get Leanne up the duff!"

But my friends who are parents, I see them really struggling

with this stage that my mum nailed so well.

My mum gave me a gift when I was about six, seven months old -

the gift of being truly unfussy.

How many people watching this can say, "I eat everything?"

How many people, if I invited you over for dinner going,

"I just what to check, do you eat...?"

You go, "Excuse me, do not speak, For I eat everything."

Hardly any.

There are some of you watching, going, "I eat most stuff,

"I just don't like mushrooms. "Tomatoes aren't nice.

I don't eat green food. I literally just retch."

Fussy fucks, right?

Now, let me tell you, it starts here,

right here in the high chair, does it not?

I'm seeing my friends doing it now,

creating spoiled bastards before my very eyes.

There's two types of children. There's not an in-between kid!

There's the type of kid, "We're so lucky, Joshi just eats everything,

"we can't believe how lucky we are.

"If we're having a Sunday dinner, he has one.

"We just put it in a food processor. After all, he's one of us,

"why wouldn't he eat what we eat?"

And then there's group two - "We can't get him to eat anything!

"Nothing at all. We just give him Smarties at 4pm and a potato waffle!"

LAUGHTER

Now, there'll be people watching going, "Very funny, look at all the childless people laughing.

"And all those with kids not laughing. You think it's easy?"

"You think you know what having kids is about, you Jedward-haired fuck?

"You don't know how difficult it is. Some children just don't eat."

"Some children literally won't eat."

Bollocks! I'm sorry!

LAUGHTER

Unless your child has a physical fricking allergy to broccoli,

you have failed - how about that for a statement?

"No, you don't know what it's like!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"You don't know what it's like! You don't know what it's like!"

"I tried, but it was like her whole body was rejecting vegetable."

What utter bollocks! You never hear a Somalian baby,

"Do you mind if we do not have grain today, Father?

"I'm really sick of it. I'm going to starve to death instead."

Never!

LAUGHTER

You'd eat what you're given, cos that's all there was!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Now, what do I know about having kids?

I live on my own, with a pug,

Googling myself and masturbating, right?

LAUGHTER

How is it achieved? Some of you think,

"How do you get your kids to eat broccoli, then, Mr Clever Clogs?

"You can't just get a laugh and not give us practical information."

I'll tell you how my mum did it. And it's not how some older people are thinking.

Leaving the food down as a punishment? That doesn't work.

Now I have an aversion to it. Not that. This.

The food goes down - the home-cooked, real food, with real ingredients -

and what's the consequences if the child doesn't want to eat it? None!

There are no consequences. No dessert, that's about it, yeah?

"I'm not going to eat it!" "Don't eat it, then."

"What, really?" "Yeah, go on."

"I'm going to go and play football, then. Wey hey hey!"

Ah, how does it work? I'll tell you how it works.

By day two or three, they're starting to get very hungry, yeah?

-LAUGHTER

-And by day four,

aren't those Brussels sprouts looking fucking delicious?!

"Give me some more of those, Momma, they taste good!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right. They say two hands are better than one.

And that's certainly true with a Thai massage.

Anyway, this is two episodes of MASH!

APPLAUSE

You're not bringing an owl on!

Fucking hell!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the man who put the "ard" in "Spaniard".

It's Antonio!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, my lusty little gringos!

It's me, Antonio, seduction expert.

'Antonio...'

'Antonio...'

'Antonio...'

'He's got massive balls...'

LAUGHTER

Yes! Being a serious player,

I like to live fast and dye my hair.

As a result, I know everything there is to know about women.

I love you, I care for you. Of course I remember your name!

But what is my secret, huh? Me, I respect every woman.

That is why I intend to fuck all of them!

LAUGHTER

High five...myself!

Tonight, I want to talk to you about the mind.

'Brains... '

You see, when seducing a woman, you must first stimulate her mind,

then go sexy all over her body.

In this way, you must engage with her on an intellectual plane,

through discussion, thoughtful reflection, and gentle contemplation.

Only then can you really ball her.

LAUGHTER

And by "ball her" I mean, show her the utmost respect!

But this all sounds like a lot of hard work, no? Do not worry.

I will show you a short cut.

Why not seduce her with a beautiful, tender love song?

Unfortunately, I cannot play the guitar.

LAUGHTER

So, instead, I use subliminal messaging.

Subliminal!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, in order for subliminal messaging to really, really work

very well, it must be very subtle, but also very, very quick.

For instance, if we were to offer a lady a light...

CLICKS FINGERS

..it would look perfectly innocent.

But let's watch that again, in slow motion.

She's going for her cigarette.

But before I reach for my lighter, I show her my virility by removing

my trousers very quickly and then rubbing lubricant all over my thighs!

Oooooh!

Oh, I'm so disgustingly passionate! Ooooh!

She's still going for her cigarette, she has no idea what's going on!

You can even perform a little dance. # Nachos, nachos, salsa, salsa!

# Nachos, nachos, salsa, salsa! #

And then, you light the cigarette.

Obviously, I am now naked.

LAUGHTER

But also, ready for lovemaking! And hey, it's definitely worked.

Look at her. She's so attracted to me, she's retching.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, a little sick is normal.

Uhhhhh! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, and welcome back to Film Fizz!

-Colin Firth, it's a pleasure to meet you.

-No, the pleasure is all mine.

-Mrs...?

-Chris, Chris Kendall.

-Mrs Chris Chris Kendall. Hello.

You're Precious...

Oh, well, thank you. Very kind.

No, I mean YOU'RE Precious.

All right, settle down, saucy boy.

No, Colin, the movie.

In the movie You're Precious, you play a man who's lost his wife

and can't deal with the overwhelming guilt.

How did you prepare for that?

I kicked a dog.

You kicked a...?

Yes, in the face. It made me feel terrible.

Isn't that a bit...wrong?

Well, I once saw Ralph Fiennes throw a hamster over eight gardens,

so I'm not the only rule-breaker!

So, now that You're Precious is finished,

what do you plan to do next?

Well, I'm taking Judi Dench to Laser Tag at 4:30.

Can you believe she's never been?

I meant, there are rumours that you're going to be in the new

Bridget Jones movie. Can you tell us anything about that?

Well, it's a very popular movie series,

-so I can't say too much or I'll get into trouble.

-That's a shame.

So, with the movie...

I could act out a little bit of it, if you wanted.

That would be absolutely fantastic. Thank you.

Bridget was a fantastic friend and an amazing wife.

In her short time on this planet,

she improved the lives of everyone she met.

Erm, Colin, I think...

She lived with no regrets. That's why she was zorbing in the first place.

May she rest in peace.

-Stop. Stop, Colin. Stop, stop.

-Come on!

-Turn the cameras off.

Come on, that's not a bloody spoiler!

I didn't say anything about the AIDS monkey!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'Film Fizz! How good is that?' >

And now, a woman who redefines the term "Northern Star"

so comprehensively,

they've removed all references to astronomy in its Wikipedia page.

Make some noise for Lucy Beaumont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Lucy, I'm from Hull.

SCATTERED CHEERING

Do you know what annoys me, right?

Do you know on Britain's Got Talent, or X Factor, when they go,

"Oh, no, you poor thing, you work in a supermarket." Right?

I used to work in a supermarket, there's nothing wrong with it.

I used to work in ASDA, on cooked chickens,

with a woman called Val who beat someone up with her front teeth.

LAUGHTER

I know. Has anybody here ever worked with cooked chickens?

SCATTERED CHEERS

Right, well, do you know what? You can't get rid of the smell.

We asked for danger money, cos on three separate occasions.

I got chased home by a big dog.

LAUGHTER

When I was still at school, I worked in a working man's club.

And what I had to do was when they brought,

you know, all the really elderly ones in?

I had to get a cig and put it in their mouth, like that,

and then light it for them, like that. And they'd go...

And they'd smoke it all in one go.

LAUGHTER Like that.

And then I had to get an ashtray and put it under their chin and go...

So ASDA was a step up, really.

And we had a great team-building exercise in the staff room

called "the sudden deaths lottery".

What you had to do was pick an elderly regular customer,

and if they died that month, you got the kitty.

LAUGHTER

But do you know what else annoys me, right? The media.

Do you know like in adverts and stuff,

like, now it's all about trying to look young, in't it?

Right, do you know what my advice is? Just lie about your age.

Cos I'm 28 and I tell everybody I'm 43.

LAUGHTER

And they're shocked.

They always say, "Wow, how do you do it?"

I say, "Well, I just added on 15."

LAUGHTER

I tell you something else that annoys me, as well.

In the papers and stuff, when they say people on benefits are lazy.

Right, excuse me, everybody I know on the dole has got a job

and they work really hard.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And it was the media that said Hull was the roughest city

in the whole of the UK. And it was really damaging to Hull.

Right, it's not.

The only time I've ever been assaulted was on a train near Oxford.

I know.

Right, a gang of youths got on and parted a chocolate Wagon Wheel

and stuck it to my forehead when I was asleep.

LAUGHTER

And no-one told me. I woke up and I thought someone had shat on my face.

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Does thou find me still... tasty, Daveutio?

-My love, tasty?

-Thou are more crumpet than a Warburton's factory!

-Bullshitter!

No, I desire thee as all of Girls Aloud combined.

The ginger one removed.

I'm not sweet ginger to thee, I am the sour cardamom pod which

-floats uninvited in the quick-cook pilau of thy passions.

-Oi, cluck not!

Though art the tender tikka.

My ticker beats in symmetrical spasms with thy succulent nuggets.

Though art Shashlik - a sizzler.

Thus do I go, firmly, into the chutney of thy passions

and serve myself draped, with that little unnecessary bag of salad,

upon the scalding platter of thy love.

Thy words have made me brighter than Ed Sheeran's skin with sunburn!

Ooh!

HE LAUGHS

Please mind my plate.

Tis very hot.

Shut up!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How's that?

-I literally hadn't realised you'd started.

-This is why I only get massages from men.

-Whooooh! What a massive rush!

I am buzzing. What's this? Wouldn't mind one of those.

-How much do you charge?

-I'm doing it for free, I'm not a whore.

Yeah, well, looks great. You lucky...dick.

It's actually remarkably average.

I'm prone to jizz during massage, and I haven't got so much as a semi.

Next time. I like a challenge!

-Are you wearing rollerblades?

-Yeah, why? Are you not?

-Yeah, of course.

-It's a Friday, I'm going directly to the park.

-Well...so am I.

-Really?

-I haven't seen you there. What crew are you in?

-The...Samurais?

Not bad. I thought they were based in Warwick.

So, Holly, what kind of music do you like?

I really like Scouting For Girls.

Oh, I'm talking about the band, not the activity!

Don't get it. What do you like, Tom?

Smashing Pumpkins, and I'm talking about the activity, not the band.

-HOLLY LAUGHS

-What? OK, well, what kind of films do you like, Holly?

I saw The Hangover the other day. Really funny.

-Reminds me of my mates.

-Not really my thing.

-Oh! Hangover II's arrived.

-Oh, my God, I love that film!

Unbelievable! OK, fine. Tom, what's your favourite food?

-"That's one spicy meatball!" Italian!

-Oh, yes, please!

"Then maybe you'll like my pizza..."

-Why?

-Don't know, I thought you were being a bit racist.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Er, I'm Joe, this is Diane.

-Hello.

Er, we're going to do, erm...

CHEERING

-..do sketches. Er...

-Get on with it!

Oh! Cool. Er, can we...?

Can we put up the, er, bricks in a line thing?

-Wall. It's called a wall.

-That's perfect.

-It's called a what?

-Wall!

-Is it?

-A wall...

-Get a shitting move on!

What is your fucking problem?

LAUGHTER

Well, if you must know, I've got a chicken Kiev in the oven.

I'm worried it's going to burn.

Well, I didn't know that, did I?

LAUGHTER

Why didn't, why didn't you say something?

I didn't want to worry you!

-Can we, er, can we check the webcam, please?

-What webcam?

I set up a webcam, so...

LAUGHTER

..so I could watch the chicken Kiev cooking while we did the sketch.

LAUGHTER

-Looks fine!

-Oh, that's a relief!

-Shall we do the sketch?

-You're a worrier!

-Yeah, I know.

-Here you go.

-Oh!

-You sure this is Cinderella's?

-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she dropped it when her carriage turned into a pumpkin.

-That was weird, wasn't it?

-Fucking weird!

-Yeah.

-So, what do you want with a slipper?

-I'm going to use it to find her.

-Well, how?

-You know, er...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Who... Whoever it fits...

..is her.

LAUGHTER

It's just a standard size five, it's going to fit loads of people.

I could give it to her, if you like. She lives with me.

-Oh, that would be easier.

-Yeah. She's my sister sort of slash cleaner.

Oh, right, yeah. You're obviously one of the Ugly Sisters.

I beg your fucking pardon?

LAUGHTER

Getting late, innit? Past bloody midnight! Where's these cabs?

-What did you call me?

-Bloody...cabs.

What did you call me?

Say it.

Ugly Sister.

-But I thought you knew that's what people called you!

-People?!

What do you mean, "people"?!

That is charming, that is!

HE LAUGHS Charming!

LAUGHTER

What?

It's what people call me, Prince Charming.

You have got to be joking!

-No, no.

-Did you give yourself that nickname?

-Ye-e-e-es.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-BEEPING

-My chicken Kiev!

'How good was that? I like those guys.' >

Ow!

Ow!

-Ow! You keep stabbing me.

-Sorry. I'm not wearing my glasses.

-You don't wear glasses!

-It's just an expression!

You don't have to take everything so literally!

Ow, you hurt me!

You don't have to take everything so literally. Oh, why are you such...

Oh, why are you such...

-You're seriou...

-You're seriou...

-Coping what I'm...

-Coping what I'm...

Wish there was a way to turn your sound off.

PIANO MUSIC

No-o-o-o!

If you'd just held still.

Aaah!

If the French upset you,

it's time to forgive and baguette.

LAUGHTER

I will kill myself after the show.

LAUGHTER

It's Marcel Lucont!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I am Marcel Lucont, flaneur, raconteur, bon viveur.

Age? None of your business.

Marital status? Single.

Although I like to think of myself as part of a multi-pack.

LAUGHTER

Favourite type of woman?

Twins.

LAUGHTER

Religious views? Nihilist.

It's a good way to be.

If you are a nihilist, life signifies nothing, and then we die.

LAUGHTER

Welcome to the comedy show.

LAUGHTER

Religion is a strange thing. Last night I was dating a Christian woman.

As someone who believed in Adam and Eve,

I queried her choice of spare ribs.

LAUGHTER

So we are in bed and I said to her as a joke,

"Oh, so you believe in sex before marriage?" as a joke.

Turns out, she was married.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, this is OK in the eye of God.

A person said to me, "Marcel, grow up, be more adult."

Apparently, adultery does not count.

LAUGHTER

It is said that the French hate the British.

It's simply not true -

we chose largely to ignore you.

LAUGHTER

But the British, they are a bizarre species, you cannot talk of death.

Oh, no, no, if someone is dead, oh, you say they are "late".

"The late so-and-so."

If someone is dead, say they are dead.

"Oh, I hear Davide cannot attend the party tonight."

"No, he is late."

"How late is he?"

"Quite late."

LAUGHTER

I would not reserve any hors d'oeuvre for him if I were you.

So, who has been to France?

CHEERING

A small fact about Paris before I go. Voila.

If you were to dismantle the Tour Eiffel

and place every piece of metal end to end in a north west direction,

the Parisians would be really pissed off.

LAUGHTER

It's a fact.

If you have the manpower or the willpower, do it for me.

See the look on their arrogant faces.

LAUGHTER

A bientot.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

< 'Merci, Marcel!'

Now, if we've moistened your appetite for more, delve deep

into our comedy folds and flick our clips at bbc.co.uk/bbcthree.

Me and the Electrolyte Acolytes hope to see you again soon.

Goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, man, you all right locking up?

-Me and Holly are going to the skate park. Will we see you there?

-No.

-Are you going to take her back to yours afterwards?

-Yes.

-All right, you don't have to rub it in my face.

-What do you mean?

Look, I get it. She chose you, not me.

I guess it was a case of the weirder man won.

-To be honest, you two are made for each other.

-Wait...

you don't think me and Holly are...?

Oh, gross! Dude! She's my sister!

Wh... What? But...

Whoa, she's quite flirty with you.

Who's flirty with him? I'll kill 'em!

Only joking!

So, are you coming with me, or are you going to give me a head start?

-I'll give you a five minute lead. You're going to need it.

-Thanks.

Dead arm!

HOLLY LAUGHS

Dude, don't look so upset. Between me and you, you dodged a bullet.

She is a serious duvet-hogger!

Later.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd