Episode 1 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language

Looks pretty similar -

hopefully the showers here don't have holes in the doors.

Some creep always used to spy on me.

You used so much soap, you couldn't actually see anything.

Probably.

Should probably say hello to the new crew.

-Whoa - you putting on that funny accent to impress them?

-What? No...

STRANGE ACCENT: What?! No!

So lame, how you want to be the funny one.

Really desperate...

-Why have you got a banana skin?

-No reason.

Whoa...ho! I slipped on that!

Way to show yourself up as the accident-prone likeable one, Tom.

Hi. I'm Tom.

Oh, no! A girl.

If I had sex with you, I'd probably poo myself.

-What was that?

-Slapstick. People love it. Makes you look cool.

Tell you what's not cool -

one wet floor sign and no cable covers.

Oh, dude, no-one gives a shit about the odd loose cable...

THUD!

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome - Live At The Electric,

Britain's Premier Inn of sketch and character comedy

and we're back for a third series.

Yeah!

Papa has put some honey on that toast.

We're back for another eight succulent episodes, Electrolytes -

how about that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're here - how lucky am I? A fricking nobody,

childhood split between Essex and Enfield -

I don't know if it's cos I'm called Russell,

people lump me in the same bag with other comedy Russells.

I think the main thing with me is I've kept the magic

of being amazed by the stuff I've got.

I still, when I get in a posh hotel for free,

I don't swan in and go, "So boring, five-star hotels"

No - I check in. I can't believe it, I use everything in the room.

Gargling the conditioner.

HE GARGLES

Does anyone else do this?

If I'm in the room alone, I take off my clothes

and roll on the bed, like a washed dog -

"It's mine, it's mine! It's all mine, all of it's mine!"

Then you put your knob in the fruit. Does no-one else do that?

Come on, we all do that.

And...I went to this film premiere, red carpet one - I love them.

But if you ever see me on red carpets,

I always mess around, cos I can't believe I'm there -

I have to take the piss out of the thing I've achieved

otherwise I feel like I'm not being true to my roots,

that's why I'm always camping it up,

even though I'm hetero...fanny!

I love fanny, so much.

I went to this premiere

and they'd lined up shots, beers and champagne in a tower -

loads of it.

I couldn't believe it.

I sent a picture message to my mum of all this mountain of booze

that was ours for the taking, the attendees of the premiere,

and within one minute, one text message came back to me.

60 characters long, one word -

FAAAAAACK!

By the way, I spelled that with an A.

Permission to broadcast. Ding!

When I grew up,

things that were unlimited were magical.

I know people think it shows ill-breeding

and if you're posh, you have class,

things are supposed to be smaller and more classy.

I've been brought up on "loads is better".

Portions - the unlimited buffet.

I never saw my dad get so excited

on the nights before the unlimited Chinese buffet -

"You will starve yourself. You will...starve...yourself."

It wasn't a figure of speech.

"No food for 24 hours, yeah?

"I smell toast - which prick has had toast?"

"Wasn't me. I'm so hungry, Dad.

"I'm so hungry."

"We'll go in there

"and no-one stops eating till we're in profit - no-one."

Ming, Ming the Merciless,

the guy that ran the Chinese, he always...

LAUGHTER

He had his little mind trick - anyone else fall for this?

The mind trick? They don't want you to get to the unlimited king prawns,

cos everyone's starving -

working class people dragging themselves there

like zombies from 28 Days Later.

Arr-agh-argh-ack!

"Please - soon we will serve unlimited green lip mussels,

"unlimited prawns."

"Yeah, bring 'em!"

"But first, won't you have several bowls

"of these bloating, valueless crackers?"

"Thank you! Thank you!"

"You have defeated me again, Ming."

"Indeed!"

"£17.50 for a pound's worth of crackers - go."

APPLAUSE

Right, we are going to move on with the show.

Now, last time I saw people in suits being this hard,

I was searching for office porn at Red Tube.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for WitTank in The Situation Room!

Prime Minister, the enemy have nuclear warheads within range

and primed to fire - time is running out.

Special Forces are currently on the ground,

infiltrating their weapons facility.

We're relying on them to destroy the nuclear missile silos.

This is Control, come in.

-RADIO:

-Reading you loud and clear, Control. Standing by.

We're your eyes and ears on this one, boys.

The next few minutes are critical.

It's time to save the world.

SOMEONE KNOCKS THE DOOR

Who the hell is that?

Come in?

Hi - are you nearly done in here?

Uh...no. Who are you?

Uh, it's just that we booked this room.

We've got it from one o'clock, so...

But we've got this room booked all week, don't we?

-Oh, shit!

-But I'm the Prime Minister?

Just it doesn't say "Prime Minister" in the book?

It says "Michelle", and, well...

-That's my name.

-Maybe it's a double booking.

-I'll talk to Richard.

-Sorry!

Embarrassing...

Hi, Richard...

-RADIO:

-Control, how should we proceed?

Can you just hang on a minute?

He's driving.

THEY GROAN

They've launched!

We need the intercept codes right now!

Look, sorry, can you just hang on for two minutes?

It's just that we booked the room from one o'clock, so...

She's got a point. It's 1.05 now.

-And it is in the book.

-Argh!

Bloody Richard!

Rrrgh!

Is there anywhere else we can go?

Nando's has free Wi-Fi.

-I don't really like Nando's.

-Come on!

Intercept codes!

Give us the bloody intercept codes or it's all over!

Oh, Richard.

Wow. Right.

Before I'd met our next high-status guest,

she's only see Essex people in documentaries

and she still needs subtitles for people north of Milton Keynes.

It's Chastity Butterworth!

Oh, gosh!

Oh, how lovely!

Oh!

Oh...ha!

Oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am overjoyed to be here as your one-woman variety act,

so without further ado, I shall now,

like a proud pussycat vomiting up a vole,

I shall labour for you some of my magnificent comedy titbits...ooh!

Ooh...ooh...

SHE RETCHES SLIGHTLY

Oh!

Get my first GAG out of the way.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The jigsaws were having a peace protest.

Edgy.

Thank you!

Stop it, really! Thank you.

Thank you - ooh, oh, gosh. Hold on.

Ooh...ooh...

Oh...ooh...

Fanny wedgie, excuse me.

It's...it's out now,

it's just I can't concentrate when they're...asymmetric.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

She knows.

Anyway, it's out now. Panic over.

The band is back together.

Actually, forgive me if I seem...a little distracted,

ladies and gentlemen, but it's awfully hot in here

and I got creamed off my cracker on crystal meth last night.

And so...to be perfectly frank with you all,

I am trying quite desperately not to shit myself right now.

It's chaos back there.

Now, chaps, I am deliriously tired today

because I could not get to sleep last night,

so my husband Horace and I decided to conduct a little experiment

using a bow tie, a snorkel

and a safe word.

Thank you. Oh...

We thought we'd try to find out

just how intensely certain experiences can be enhanced

when the breath is restricted.

Oh...

Now, the safe word we went for was "bread buns",

because we do so love a bread bun.

But it turns out

it's quite impossible to shout "bread buns"

through a snorkel.

I found that out the hard way

and now poor Horace is in intensive care.

Oops!

Oh, look - this poor boy looks a bit confused.

Strangle wank.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry. Thank you.

So, I would like to leave you all wanting more.

"Oh, what's next?" I hear you cry.

So I've made you something.

It's a Cliff hanger.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

Thank you so very much. Thank you.

Thank you...oh!

Chastity Butterworth, ladies and gentlemen.

"Thank you! Thank you!"

Now, the fact that Tennyson said

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

just proves that he never saw the lovelorn antics

of Luke McQueen!

I didn't mean to cheat on my girlfriend, but I did -

accidentally.

Sarah's left me, so I need her to see how sorry I am.

I'll do anything to get her back.

When I cheated on Sarah, I humiliated her.

If I want to get her back, I have to humiliate myself even more.

MUSIC: "Pow" by Lethal Bizzle

It's quite aggressive.

I like it, though.

Battle rapping is full-on, it's intense.

They humiliate people for a living. And I want to be humiliated.

It's win-win.

Start around nine, I'm going to get there a bit early,

just to check the place out, have a look at the competition.

Hopefully, they're nice people and they support me.

I'm going to bring out two battlers. Let's go, bring 'em out.

-Yeah...

-Whoa...

On the second mike, it's Luke.

Yeah - all right, this is how we're doing this.

Luke, you go first -

they're the rules, they're the rules.

Em, yeah. Hi, my name's Luke.

Em, I've never actually done this before,

but basically, recently, I cheated on my girlfriend.

It was an accident.

But the reason I'm doing this is because I want to show her

that I'm sorry and that I want us to get back together.

He seems like a really nice guy,

I don't really have anything negative to say at the moment.

# Do you seriously think trying to spit a rap

# Is gonna help you get your missus back?

# Things like this are the reason she left you in the first place

# You little twat

# No, honestly, she left you cos you're a massive loser

# She said your dick is as thin as a plastic ruler

# Remember that night she cheated on you when you were at the boozer?

# Well, say hello to the guy that made her fanny looser. #

CROWD: Ooh...!

Thank you.

CROWD LAUGHS

That was...um...that was quite good.

Um...

I also struggle to hold an erection when having sex,

so if you want to use that, you can.

Also...

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

..I haven't got a particularly good physique.

I've got a third nipple. I've actually got a rash.

It's not contagious, but it's kind of gross.

When I was school, I got bullied.

One time, they made me eat my own pubes.

When my nan died, I stole £20 from her purse

and I never told anyone about it.

TRACK INTRO PLAYS

-Sorry, can we have some silence?

-Silence?

Could you please not say negative things about Sarah?

You can punish me, but she's got nothing to do with this.

Time.

Luke just said time.

# You've got a fucking big head and crossed eyes

# And you look like...someone poured a litre of water... #

-LAUGHING:

-Oh, my God!

CROWD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER

It went really well -

I wasn't sure how the crowd would react,

but they were totally on my side, really supportive.

You know, Sarah will see that and respect me again.

I would've liked to have been humiliated a little bit more.

But there's lots going on tonight - hopefully, I can get involved with something else.

RAGGA MUSIC PLAYS

Ow!

Yeah, I think that'll definitely be enough, what I did tonight.

She has to look at that and think I'm doing everything I can.

I'm pretty confident she'll call me know.

APPLAUSE

Luke McQueen!

I actually want to experience that.

So it's rigging down by nine o'clock, e-mail Sue for anything HR-related

and don't use the flares before checking with Gary.

I've been here three years and I didn't know any of that,

-but I'm guessing that's right.

-It is right.

Sorry I'm late.

Did I miss a meeting or something?

-No.

-Cool, cos I was just bunking off in the bogs.

Smoking on my faggies.

-Anyone seen them, by the way?

-No.

Must have left them in my sports car.

Didn't know you had a sports car. What type is it?

Dunno. Not into brands.

Right, I just had one more question.

-If...

-Oh, fuck! I love this song!

Ho-ho! You realise these guys are banned from playing Reading?

-Are they?

-Yeah. One of them threw a bottle at me

and I told the police.

Who is this prick?

Oh, look. Another one of Tom's lame rotas.

-Yeah.

-"Hello, I'm Tom, and I've already finished a rota."

You'll notice it's not actually finished yet.

I hadn't scheduled you being a massive prat at this point.

Oh, fuck you, guys.

What do you want from me? I've been funny, cool, generous -

I gave you my nectarine.

You'd eaten half of it, it wasn't very hygienic.

Which is my I then gave you the cold sore cream.

What does it take? Do you want me to dress up as a pig?

Let you kick me?

Yeah, that'd be good.

Whatever. I don't need to impress you.

Just stay here and play on your little computers.

Try not to break anything...nerds.

CABLES DRAG ALONG THE FLOOR

Right, shall we press on?

One of the unique things about this show

is how we give opportunities to those people totally new

to the world of entertainment -

now, I mean TOTALLY new, OK?

Make some noise for Roger Showbusiness!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, Rodge!

VOICE TREMBLES: Um...

LAUGHTER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is...

..Roger Showbusiness.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

(Oh, God...)

Using my talent for ventriloquism...

..tonight, I'm going to introduce you to a very special friend of mine.

He's, uh...he's in the briefcase.

Sorry, it's a surprise.

He's not in the briefcase.

He might be - oh, God...!

My psychiatrist suggested that I try ventriloquism

as a way of externalising the voices in my own head.

Also, she refuses to see me any more.

So the dummy gives me someone to talk to.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

So...

..who likes ventriloquism?

Yay!

CHEERING

"I do, Roger."

"I like ventriloquism."

Oh...

Hm...

Who said that?

It must have been my son -

Little Randy Showbusiness.

Would you like to meet him, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Why?

This can only be awful.

Well, here he comes - ready or not.

(Oh, God...)

I've, uh...

I've forgotten the combination to the briefcase.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Little Randy Showbusiness.

"Hello, everyone."

"Daddy, can I ever be a real little boy?"

No.

Because if you were...

..they'd take you away.

Just like they did the real one.

I haven't really forgotten the combination.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

I left him on a train, two years ago.

And I haven't seen him since.

And when I say "him"...

..I mean my real son.

I don't even know how he got out of the briefcase.

I've been Roger Showbusiness.

Please don't hate me.

Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Moron!

Aw!

It'll develop from there.

Now, Live At The Electric is one of the least commercial shows

you'll find on the BBC.

That's why we're about to shove some commercials right up your eye holes.

See you after the break!

Do you want to give up smoking, but can't?

Well then, why not try these?

They look like ordinary cigarettes, and they are,

except that one of these cigarettes has been up a dog's arse.

The tip of one of these cigarettes

has been gently pushed up this small dog's arse

and then placed carefully back into the packet.

But which one? That's the risk you take.

New One Of These Cigarettes Has Been Up A Dog's Arse.

Really makes you think "How badly do I want this cigarette?

"Bad enough to risk smoking a cigarette

"that's been up a dog's arse?"

Now there's a risk your cigarette will taste of arse - dog arse.

New One Of These Cigarettes Has Been Up A Dog's Arse.

Because no-one wants to smoke a cigarette

that's been up a dog's arse.

Sorry...

And now, a quality performer who is the epitome of superiority -

that's high-status high jinks

in an organic, fair trade, Tesco Finest nutshell.

It's Alex Smith!

Hello!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Em..I'm Alex Smith

and I would like to play you a little song now about problems.

I think we've all got problems.

I've certainly been told that I have some.

So this song's about my problems - it's called

It's Not Easy Being White, Middle Class And Vaguely Attractive.

LAUGHTER

I did say "vaguely".

HE PLAYS A SLOW TUNE

# Don't you hate it when your salad fork

# Is on the wrong side of your dinner fork?

# And there's no distinction between red and white wine glasses

# And you're accidentally mixing with the...lower classes

# Shit, I'm in a Harvester

# There are animals at the salad cart

# It can only spell disaster

# The Africans think they have a reason to despair

# They think they've got problems?

# My iPhone is in for repair

# I know your water is undrinkably dirty

# But I have to play Snake on a Nokia 3330

# I try to fight everything life throws

# But how can I when my hometown has no Waitrose?

# You try buying hummus in ASDA

# They only have normal, they don't do Roasted Red Pepper

# I feel like people don't take me seriously

# They don't think I'm urban

# They don't even think I'm street

# Kick the remix!

TEMPO PICKS UP

APPLAUSE

# Oh, well, I can be urban, I can be street

# I'm fucking people up before I've had Shredded Wheat, yeah

# Eating breakfast in a gangsta way

# Poppin...some cherries - that's one of my five a day

# I know that haters, you're going to hate

# But did you know that I grew up on an estate? #

Well, it was actually more of a gated community.

# Don't get it when bitches don't like my flavour

# I'm like, "Sket, maybe you should have gone to Specsavers"

# I went there to sort out my opticals

# But did you know they don't even stock monocles?

# I keep my threads fresh, like Dr Dre

# Ask the ironing lady - she comes on a Wednesday

# Don't step to me, I own many guns

# They're antique Civil War reproductions

# Drop beats fatter than my Auntie Karen

# She's got heart problems - can't wait for the inheritance

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# I've got middle class blues... #

Well, middle-upper class.

# I've got middle-upper class blues

# It's not easy being this much better

# Better than you. #

Thank you very much.

Alex Smith!

I think a star has just been born right here at the Electric, amazing.

That's it for now, but if we've left you gasping for more,

head straight to...

Or one of the other popular internet sites -

Friends Reunited, Bebo, MySpace.

See you on Yahoo Messenger, kids!

From me and the Electrolytes, goodbye!

SOMEONE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Yeah.

-Hey. Can I borrow your laptop and desk phone?

I was having sex on mine and they all sort of...

Tom, we all saw you break them earlier.

Yeah. Um...can I borrow them anyway?

-They're at the work desk.

-Cheers.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

-What's going on in there?

-Having a few after-work beers.

On your own, or...?

No, Tom.

Look, they're a nice bunch.

You just need to stop...trying so hard.

I'm not...

They'll like you for who you are, OK? I'll put in a good word for you.

Cheers, mate.

Right. Sorry about that. On the floor again?

-Don't forget to squeal this time.

-You still want the oinks?

-Yeah.

This is so great...sorry.

ALL: Yeah! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Weeeee!