Episode 2 Live at the Electric

This programme contains adult humour

So these are gobos, pulleys, flats, the fire access where there's

-a smoking area, AKA Slackers Corner.

-Right.

Now, I was 17 once too. I know what it's like,

you're doing an internship and half the time you want to sneak off

and just read a cheeky chapter of your book.

-Or smoke.

-Yep, that's what I meant.

Erm...more gobos. This is the intercom for the acts,

so you just say, "Russell to the stage, please."

But not yet, obviously. That would be a disaster.

So that's...pretty much it.

Oh, and if someone offers you a prostitute ignore him, that's my colleague Tom.

-I told him you was 17 and he's assumed you're a...

-A virgin!

Yeah! Yeah! "This is horrible! You smell bad!"

Bet you never heard that before, kid.

Don't worry, it's going to happen.

-Is that what girls say to you?

-Why, what they say to you?

"Oh, your pubes are really soft."

-Gross!

-Hey...nice to meet you.

My friends call me Tom, my girlfriends call me...all the time.

-Are you...supervising?

-Supervising getting you laid.

-I don't really...

-Of course, you haven't mashed your cherry yet.

Getting laid is a sex phrase, they're kind of my forte.

I also came up with hugging a chubby, getting your turkey dirty,

and my favourite shagariffic.

Just so you know, I've had...sex.

Everybody thinks they've had sex when they're 17, dude.

I'm afraid there's still a lot to learn.

I only found out the other day that you don't have to put both your balls in.

-One is more than enough.

-ELECTRICITY SPARKS

APPLAUSE

This is Live at the Electric!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is our hospital of hilarity,

fully stocked with surgical instruments of mirth,

the callipers of character and the scalpels of sketch.

And wielding them all, it's me - the pretend surgeon,

the charlatan with an eBay diploma

abusing my position until I'm exposed by the authorities.

"I think I've got a headache. Show me your fanny."

LAUGHTER

"It might be connected."

In my experience headaches and lack of fanny usage are connected, anyway.

LAUGHTER

I don't mean to start off on such a divisive gender note, but the reason I do a lot of...

I'm not like the old-school comics going, "Men and women are so different."

No, I'm not doing that, it's just that men and women watch comedy different.

Women are easier to entertain. How about that, ladies? Give yourself a round of applause.

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

They are. Women of any age can turn up a stand-up gig,

can watch it in their lounge and I know I got the chance. Even if they go, "I didn't like it at first."

I know I can convert you. Whereas men, "If I don't like him in the beginning,

"I won't like him at the end, I don't him like on Radio 1!" "It's not him, Dad."

"I don't care who it is, I don't like him. I don't like the way he moves.

"He says he's got a girlfriend, but I think he's one of 'em."

-Hey.

-APPLAUSE

They're impossible to convert.

-APPLAUSE

-Whereas women... There'll be many women dragged into their lounges

watching Live at the Electric going, "I don't..."

And they'll be converted. You're going, "Who is this guy is?"

And by the end of it going, "Do you know what,

"I didn't really understand all of it, but I really like his energy."

All right. I mean, gentlemen, this isn't just a glib point.

Do you know the only reason they can find that we die five years before women is because of this very point.

How many happy old men do you see? How many?!

And when you do, you point him out. "Look at that old man in a good mood!"

He's like, I'm in me 80s, I do my exercises in the morning.

" have a teaspoon of honey for breakfast. I just always look on the positive side."

That's why he's lived till he's 90! Can't you see that, gentlemen?

The more affectionate you are as a man, the more emotionally connected you are, the longer you will live.

Depressing news, eh, gentlemen?

Most men all of their happiness used up by 25-30.

Just think how happy you were when you were 14. "Is that a wasp? Why is my wee so yellow?"

LAUGHTER

By the time you get to 21, "I'm still quite happy, I like being out the lads."

30, starting to get miserable. 40, "Yeah, I don't really have friends any more. I don't fancy..."

Less hugs, less kisses, less connection. Retired,

chair in the corner that stinks of piss, heart attack, dead.

APPLAUSE

Men are THINKING themselves to death.

What a depressing statistic, gentlemen.

You can see a man gives up, their hair freezes,

if they're lucky enough to keep their hair.

It freezes into whatever style they had when they were about 30.

"My musical tastes are frozen, my political views are frozen, my hair is frozen.

"Everything's frozen, nothing has changed. Retired, heart attack, death." Right?

Leaving a generation of women in their 50s and 60s pretending to grieve.

-"How will I survive without the miserable bastard?"

-LAUGHTER

"I've suddenly got self-confidence and hobbies.

"Oh, no, there's no-one to put me down when I send off for my provisional. Goodbye, Barry."

APPLAUSE

That's the sound of female clapping and it's...ugly!

APPLAUSE

Now, when I'm crying out for my aerobic culture fix,

I simply blend a power smoothie of blank Shakespearean verse and neatly shredded Essex roots.

This is The Only Way Is Shakespeare.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dave lives with Sharon and doth make her life hell.

He's a bellend, that's why.

But our tale shall be told.

Thou art my slave and thou wilt obey me.

Daveutio...prematurely I am home!

Undone.

-Again.

-Maximus...!

-Early back, my forward love?

-Love?

Thou hast traversed thy love.

Taken the sex out of Essex and placed it at another's bum!

This trollop, nay!

We are innocent as smoothies of these crimes you insert up us.

I swear down by my hot helmet.

Speak not of the helmet you are, for the bellend tolls for thy demise.

Wanker!

My mother approaches and trust me, Dave, these peelings will not chime well with her.

-What?!

-Thou hast a gay slave upon our corner couch.

-Hmm.

-The very sofa which she had lovingly thieved from the DFS warehouse in Basildon!

SHE GASPS

Daveutio! Burst again!

Thou art Abu Hamza with a child's balloon!

-Nay, HRT Gorgon, 'tis not what it seems.

-Yeah, what 'tis then?

-Prick!

-Princess girl, go fetch thy moody Prada bag, the one from Monday market bought,

pray stuff it with thy Claire Accessory trinkets

and sprint thou from this place with more speed than an amphetamine dealer. Go!

-SHE GASPS

-Twice treacherous!

I knew him false! He is a man so double-dealing that he would hide a man inside another man.

Ooh! Thou spreads lies as Kraft Triangles on a chav's toast.

Look, Elainia, milk Harry for the truth.

Explain...thin nymph.

Spurt thou.

Shut up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We are contractually obliged to use some good looking people in the show.

-LAUGHTER

-Now, our next regal act is so blue blooded,

she finds television sanitary towel adverts too graphically realistic.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, it's Chastity Butterworth.

APPLAUSE

Oh, Gosh! Oh!

Oh! Ooh!

Oooh! Tick-tock.

Oh...good evening. Hello.

Here I am, Chastity Butterworth, your one-woman variety act.

So...here we are. Another day, another almighty come down.

LAUGHTER

I was at Margaret and David's squat party last night and I got my grams and ounces muddled up again.

LAUGHTER Oopsy-poopsy!

LAUGHTER

Silly old me.

So I've been buzzing off my badger since last night.

LAUGHTER

But am now rapidly plummeting into the let's-just-end-it-all phase of proceedings.

And I found myself now in a rather contemplative mood.

I can't feel my face. LAUGHTER

And so...I have been reflecting upon the unwritten rules of society,

such as don't get smashed off your snatch at a Bar Mitzvah

and try and sneak a peek at a circumcised penis.

LAUGHTER

It looked like a tiny, tired Darth Vader.

LAUGHTER

Don't sit on dogs...even if you think they can take your weight.

LAUGHTER

They can't.

LAUGHTER He's fine now.

And...when making use of a public toilet,

one must never, ever make an audible plop sound...

LAUGHTER

..yes, when depositing a number two.

Now, for example, the other day I was out having fun in Primark,

to use a popular oxymoron.

LAUGHTER

And I suddenly found myself desperate for a poo.

And...I dashed to the nearest MacDonald's

and upon arrival there was only one cubicle working and a whole sea of desperate ladies.

I thought, "Gosh ! I'm going to be in the pooing limelight," if you will.

A quick scan of the room showed me that the hot hairdryer was broken.

I thought, "Gosh that's one...plop-muffling device down.

"Yes. Yes. Think. Think. What would Jason Bourne do?"

LAUGHTER

"Right, right. What I shall do is I shall line the bowl with toilet paper...and have a coughing fit."

However, I hadn't taken into account

that it might be what mother likes to call...

a surprise spitter.

LAUGHTER

I can't even look at you.

We've all been there.

And...when I emerged from the cubicle

the mood in the holding area had changed somewhat.

From one of desperation to one of politesse.

"After you," they were saying. "Oh, no, no, no, after you.

"Mine's gone back up."

LAUGHTER

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Oh, gosh! Thank you. APPLAUSE

Oh, heavens! APPLAUSE

I didn't mean to cheat on my girlfriend, but I did, accidentally.

Sarah's left me, so I need her to see how sorry I am.

I'll do anything to get her back.

Honesty is the most important part of a relationship.

I made a mistake so I had to be honest about it.

I don't blame Sarah for dumping me,

I'd have done exactly the same thing in her position.

But, you know, I love her and I want us to be back together.

When I cheated on Sarah, I humiliated her.

If I want to get her back, I have to humiliate myself even more.

Er...excuse me.

Hi, guys. You can come much closer. Cos if you come in... I need, like... I need a bunch of people.

Just come in a little bit closer. A few more of you.

Thank you very much.

This here is a picture of my girlfriend, Sarah.

Three weeks ago, I actually cheated on her. It was an accident.

I'm really sorry. Like, I was drunk. It wasn't supposed to happen.

But Sarah didn't actually see it that way and she broke up with me.

I know what I did was wrong.

I accept what I did was wrong, OK?

But...I love her very much

and I'll just do anything for us to be back together.

So now I'm going to do something in front of you guys

that hopefully shows everybody exactly what she means to me.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for your time.

Any questions at all?

OK, thank you.

LOUD-HAILER FEEDS BACKS

Yeah, it was really embarrassing, you know, but hopefully...she appreciates it.

I don't really know what else I can do. So...

I've just got to wait for her to call me.

Cheers, guys, thanks.

Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Luke McQueen in his quest to get Sarah back.

Now please welcome a woman so angry and unpredictable

she put the temper and mental into the temperamental.

It's Loretta Maine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE LAUGHS

Hi there. Sorry, I've been drinking!

LAUGHTER

I know, I shouldn't because you shouldn't drink before going on the stage,

but I love wine! I'm a big fan of wine.

Yeah. Do you like white wine?

You a fan of it?

You're not scared of the White Wine Witch?

You know the White Wine Witch, right?

She's got loads of opinions and then she starts to cry.

LAUGHTER

You know the White Wine Witch, like, one bottle fine,

two bottles wild, three bottles under the table!

Crying that no-one understands her while she finishes leftover dips with her fingers.

SHE SOBS

I don't even like guacamole!

LAUGHTER

MUSIC STARTS

Got to keep your eye on the White Wine Witch,

cos if you can't see her... it's probably you.

# I'm so much fun at parties Everybody stares

# When I stumble in the room No-one else can compare

# I'm crazy and I'm cute The little eyes swish

# It's bottle number three now I'm the White Wine Witch

SHE GROANS SEXUALLY

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# Oh, life is such a thrill when you're down in Blossom Hill

# Nice to meet you

# I'm the White Wine Witch!

# It gets to 9pm We start playing Truth or Dare?

# I tell Fat Tim that's what we call him

# And strip to my underwear

# Apparently it's not voluntary

# Some girl calls me a bitch

# But I give her the finger Cos I'm the White Wine Witch

SHE GROANS SEXUALLY

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# I'm clinging to the wall cos I've been down in Echo Falls

# You can't call me out I'm the White Wine Witch

# It's 1am in a car park I'm in a skip but I'm fine

# There's blood on my shirt But it's OK, it's not mine

# I stumble over the edge Fat Tim is waiting I see

# He says, "Who you calling fat?" Before sitting on me

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch

# Try to order takeaway Silenced by Oyster Bay

# You can't tear me away

# I'm...

Erm...

SHE SIGHS

SHE SOBS LAUGHTER

You know who I am!

# I'm the White Wine Witch! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Loretta Maine!

CHEERING

Only the women clapping.

All of the men...remembering.

LAUGHTER

-OK, here she comes. More gel?

-I think I've got enough.

-Fine.

Oh...hi, Linda.

See, now without even realising it she has an image of me and a dick all day, guaranteed sex.

-Now you try.

-It's all right, I'm pretty tied up.

Dude, the only thing that's going to get tied up is our tongues from all the French kissing.

-I'm not going to kiss you!

-I didn't mean with me.

Why is there a horse shit all over backstage?

-Girls love guys on horses.

-So there's a horse here?

-No.

-Couldn't afford the horse, just the shit.

-Clean it up.

You're up horn-dog. Might get lucky on the way.

Anything else, cock-blocker?

Stop saying stuff like that! He thinks you're a pervert.

-Apparently, you keep putting lipstick on him.

-It's called being metrosexual.

And, FYI, he doesn't like you either.

Said you had a fat arse, like a 40-year-old woman's.

Hence your new nickname, Mrs Fat Arse and Bootylicious.

Oh, no, I hope they don't write it on my locker. You should do some work.

Fine...but if the tool belt's a-clinking

it is what you're thinking.

I'm having sex.

How you doing?

Now it's time to meet Ivy and Maurice who stay in during Halloween

and then finish the night with more sweets than when it started.

It's The Twins Macabre.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My name is Ivy Macabre.

I have conversed with long dead souls

and I have bathed in the blood of ancient warriors.

This is my brother Maurice.

I've got hayfever.

LAUGHTER

It's a very special day today, it's our birthday,

and all of our friends are coming so everything has to be perfect.

Now, Maurice, in the party bags should we have razor blades or poisoned jelly babies?

All of our friends have arrived and some new faces.

We're so popular.

Ivy, this is Captain Lipstick.

"This is my son. I want some cake!"

This is Mick Hucknall.

"All right?" LAUGHTER

-You know Steve from next door.

-Of course I know Steve from next door.

Oh, that really is Steve from next door.

-Hello, Steve.

-"I've been dying to come to your party."

"Oh, I've been dead excited to meet you."

"I hope I don't lose my head?"

"Or get hung up on an meat hook and bleed to death."

THEY LAUGH

Maurice, right hand, red!

HE GROANS

Steve, right foot, yellow.

STEVE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

The Twins Macabre!

Well, well, well, what can I say about our next acts?

Energy, vivacity, personability, enthusiasm.

All these things are on their to-do list.

It's Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING

-Hello. ALL:

-Hello.

-Er...I'm Joe this is...Diane.

-Diane.

-ALL:

-Hello, Diane.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Hello.

LAUGHTER

We're back for the third series!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They didn't want us back, but we're stronger than we look.

Oh, we've got a green screen again, which we can project stuff on.

-But it's shit.

-It's really shit.

-It's not really working properly.

-I think the problem's the aerial.

-It's the aerial, do you reckon?

-Yeah, I'll try it.

OK, can we have a picture of...I don't know, a fat policeman.

No, that's the... LAUGHTER

No, it's not him.

That's better, it's not right.

LAUGHTER

This is...utter shit!

-That's it! That's a fat policeman!

-Fat policeman!

CHEERING That's it! Right. Let's do a sketch.

I want me chair! LAUGHTER

Great news! You've been pardoned!

-Eh?

-The governor has given you a last-minute reprieve.

-You've been pardoned.

-Oh, bloody hell!

Yeah, yeah, it's first time he's pardoned anyone on death row in years.

HE LAUGHS That's great.

Yes. If you...If you just sign here at bottom, Mr Rivron.

Er...Rivron? Yeah.

I'm not... I'm Walsh.

Rivron's in the next cell.

-ALL:

-Aw!

-Oh, shit.

-LAUGHTER

Just...

LAUGHTER

I feel like I've got your hopes up.

LAUGHTER

I should murder you as well, shouldn't I?!

I should murder you as well!

Murder you as well, shouldn't I?

HE LAUGHS

Murder you! I should murder you as well!

Sorry, I'm really disappointed.

LAUGHTER

-Oh...

-Oh, no, keep it. Keep it.

-It's the least I can do.

-That's not really going to make up for dying.

LAUGHTER

-It's one of those four-colour pens.

-Oh, is it?

-Yeah.

It isn't.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CLASSICAL MUSIC

Argh!

-What's wrong?

-The headmaster's given me this wordsearch. It's very tricky.

James, that's a Sudoku.

Got one.

-439.

-It's not a wordsearch!

439 isn't a word! You can't use it in a sentence.

I like playing in the park 439.

HE SIGHS

-Say my name, bitches!

-BOTH: Morning, headmaster.

Good news and bad news.

The good news is that social services have gone,

so I can treat Jones anyway I like.

-Hooray!

-HEADMASTER GROANS

Bad news is school bug's going round.

-It's already taken out four members of staff.

-What about the boys?

No, the boys are fine. Their immune systems have been indestructible

ever since Poo-In-The-Custard-Gate.

This thing...is coming for us!

Is it bad? I'm quite susceptible to these viral things.

This is not a virus, deputy,

this is a bug!

Hello!

LAUGHTER What the hell is that?!

I'm the school bug! Someone's going to get a runny tummy!

-Jones, it's definitely your turn.

-Oh, not Jones again!

Last time he gave me worms!

LAUGHTER

Come on, headmaster, you know what I want.

I want...the girl.

Me?!

-First of all, obviously I'm not a girl.

-Deal.

-Great!

Come here, gorgeous!

Where's it gone? Is it on me? BUG LAUGHS

Oh, I'm going to make you sick, princess.

Surely there's got to be an easier way?

It's either you or the rest of the staff.

-Do it for the school.

-All right, I will, I'll do it. OK.

-For the good of the school.

-Oh, she's keen.

I like your attitude, sweetheart.

After all, it's only a tiny little bug, how bad can it really be?

THEY BOTH GROAN

All right, sugar tits, you've got the bug.

Now let's get dirtier than a dung beetle's toilet.

-Yes! Yes!

-I thought it was going to make me sick?

-It will.

-HE GROANS

-They won't teach you this in biology.

Marry me! I think I'm going to...Beetlejuice!

Oh, I'm weaving silk!

Perfect! Hang on, I think I've got another way.

-Crumbs!

-BUG GROANS

Don't worry, deputy, it's only a 24-hour thing.

Let's give them some privacy.

You're going to need Rentokil when I'm finished with you!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

WitTank, ladies and gentlemen.

That is the end, but if we've left you wanting more

after the show head straight to...

And if you don't have access to the internet,

please stop watching, you're not welcome here.

From me, Electrolytes, goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm firing you cos you put horse shit all over the studio!

Aside from being disgusting, it's a serious health risk!

I actually almost slipped on some earlier, but fortunately I was wearing my elbow pads.

I inline skate.

-Sorry, go on.

-I promise it wasn't me, it was him.

-No, it wasn't.

-It was you.

-Is that true, Tom?

-Yeah. This guy's a weirdo.

-I'll escort him out.

-Thanks.

-But that's not true.

-Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I must have been talking out of my big butt!

My arse isn't fat, it's called Rubenesque.

And it's taken a big old dump all over your day.

So see you later...

virgin!

Thanks for that. Why did you cover for me.

I just never really liked his attitude, I guess.

MUSIC: "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce