Episode 3 Live at the Electric

Thank you so much for this chance. I know you're seeing a lot of people.

Well, I shall see you Friday. I'll be the one in the red dress and the pink carnation.

-LOUD DRILLING

-Yes, suit and tie. Yes, obviously. Sorry.

-What are you making?

-Drilldo.

-Who was that? Your girlfriend?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, right, what was her name?

Mariah Carey.

-Don't worry. I'm joking.

-Yeah, right!

-As if she'd cheat on the Nick Cannon.

-It was one of the producers.

I've got an interview tomorrow for assistant floor manager.

Is this your CV?

Oh, my God!

You studied English at university?!

You realise that's not a subject, Tom? Can't say what I studied though.

-That's fine.

-I studied mentalism.

-I'm assuming you're familiar with Derren Brown?

-Yes.

Well, his best mate taught our course.

-Sounds amazing.

-It was. One mentalism session with me, I could guarantee you get that job.

-I don't think magic's going to help me.

-Magic(!) Mentalism is about awakening the subconscious,

allowing ordinary people to do extraordinary things.

And then hopefully getting your own show on Channel 4.

-So you don't do kids parties?

-Wrong, I did my niece's.

-What did you do?

-You'll find out in due course.

What I will tell you is that each child was forced to face their greatest fear.

And then give me all their cake.

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello, hello.

Hello. All right? Welcome to Live At The Electric.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is where you come when you want something tasty.

A chocolate box of the freshest comedy with layer upon

layer of unfudged characters and swirls of sketch,

yet devoid of overvalued, over-processed caramel.

-The other channels.

-EVIL LAUGH

And there's me, the cherry brandy, the viscous liqueur,

spurting surprisingly alcohol liquid direct onto your dangling uvula.

La-bla-la-bla!

By the way, uvula is the correct medical term for that bit at the back of the throat.

I know it sounded like vulva, but at least I didn't say vulva. La-bla-la-bla!

# Vulva, vulva! #

By the way, if I'm losing any of you,

I know it seems like I've got sexual language the whole time,

but I'm actually the opposite of that kind of jester.

You're not going to believe what I've been fixated with this year.

Anywhere you've seen me, I'm talking about it. Babies.

My boyvaries are aching for a child!

My boyvaries ache, yeah! And when you say it,

you get a strange ripple of silence go through the room.

Do you know why? Apparently, men aren't allowed to talk about it.

You can't confide in your male friends. "Hey, guys.

"I like to talk about my emotions and I'd like to have babies." "Put him in the van.

"He's not one of us! "Stand him by the waste ground. He no longer belongs."

Have you tried to confide in a girl? Anyone tried to speak to women about it?

"Please, this is not a male debate. This is a debate for women. Only women have a biological clock.

"Only women have a deadline. Do you know how hard it is to be a woman, to be 35

"and not be ready, your body's telling you there's a deadline? It's so hard to be a woman."

I'm not hearing it any more, ladies. You're better off with a deadline.

Name me one thing in life that isn't improved with a deadline.

Apart from death.

Name me another thing. There's an essay. You can finish it whenever you want. There's no deadline.

Will that essay ever get done? Will it fuck? Of course it won't!

You're better off with a deadline. It might be inconvenient, ladies.

But at least you can go, "There's a deadline. I want to hit it or I don't."

What's the options for men? "There's no deadline, man. I'm young.

"Even though I'm 50. I've got silver hair." Before you know it, you're a stereotype.

Your girlfriend's 18 years old, Lithuanian, you're 70 and she hates your guts.

-LITHUANIAN ACCENT:

-"Fall down the stairs, Barry. Please die quickly."

I don't want that to be me.

I know it might seem quite weird, fantasising about having a kid

when I don't have one. Maybe I'm the equivalent of the girl that turns up to the first date

in a wedding dress. At Pizza Express, going, "I'd really like one of your Sloppy Giuseppes."

And there are some things about children that freak me out,

the weird stuff they come out with. Not the weird stuff as in,

"Hey, don't kids say the funniest things?" Huh-huh-huh(!)

Not that. I mean some of the dark twisted stuff a child...

Have you ever seen a three-year-old

when it has a drink of juice after a moment of joy?

That is one of the most terrifying things you'll ever witness.

"Mummy, I've had a great time. can I have my juice, Mummy? Juice, Mummy." Just a ball of joy.

What happens as soon as they start drinking that juice?

That's right, serial killer eyes.

SLURPING AND HEAVY BREATHING

-EVIL VOICE:

-"I will kill one day!"

"Bye, Mummy."

No-one likes serial killer eyes. And the other thing that scares me,

if you have two, how cruel little brothers can be.

I was vile to my brother. I was just... I jellyfished my brother.

Does anyone know that term?

Jellyfishing is where you dead all four limbs.

He was just on the floor, going, "Urgh!"

And when he was down, I did squid gas to the face. # Squid gas to the face!

# Squid gas to the face! # Squid gas to the face! #

Fart delivery. Fart delivery. Smell my fart.

I was a master fart deliver. I was one of the best.

Some of the set ups I came up with...

There's a parcel, you might want to sign for it. Urgh!

Have a look at this species of ladybird. It's so tiny.

Get in close. It's eggy!

-APPLAUSE

-OK, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for political drama

so full of credibility, the script is in 24 point, bold and underlined.

Set the font to Impact and the printer to Landscape.

It's the Situation Room.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC

Can't we just impose sanctions?

No, Prime Minister. You have to reach an agreement today.

This man is looking for any excuse for nuclear war.

He carries the trigger round with him at all times.

I understand.

Send him in.

Good luck, sir.

-For the good of the country.

-For the good of the world.

Oh, and, sir, they're an extremely sensitive people.

-You don't want to inadvertently offend him.

-Come on. I'm an experienced diplomat.

I think I understand the importance of respect.

Look at...his...nose.

Sorry.

Your Excellency.

What a pleasure it is to welcome you.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Thank you, Prime Minister.

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

-Amazing.

-BEEPS

EXPLOSION

APPLAUSE

How good was that? Now, our next guest is

so well bred that she has to carry her own personal roll of red

carpet with her, in case she has to take any detours from her predetermined walks.

That's right, it's Chastity Butterworth.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, good evening. I am delighted to be here.

Oh...stop it.

So without further ado, let me introduce myself.

My name is Chastity Butterworth, named after the famous belt. Oh!

Keep out.

I'm only joking. You're welcome here.

Thank you. Now, forgive me.

I am a little flustered arriving here this evening,

I have just come from my advanced zumba classes.

This bad boy doesn't chisel itself.

During class this evening, my instructor, Rodrigo, his arms are

longer than his legs, but holy shit, he can shimmy like a daddy fucker.

He fandangoed over to me and said,

"Chastity, I want to see you sweating like a pig."

Oh! Rodrigo!

So, of course, this piqued my curiosity such that I dashed

home briefly to conduct a little experiment

and I can now tell you all that pigs don't actually sweat.

No. I found that out the hard way and now my pig is exhausted.

That's the joke section. Thank you.

The thing with cows is it's not all black and white, is it? No.

That's the philosophy section.

Or is it?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, speaking of wisdom, my life coach, Dick Butkiss,

he's a wonderful man.

He's a watersports enthusiast. And an amateur filmmaker.

Oh, Dick!

He said to me recently, "Chastity, if you're good at something,

"you should never do it for free."

So I happen to be particularly good at sex.

Thank you.

Now, my husband's not happy about it, but then, he has the money.

He says to me sometimes, "Chastity, I'm terribly good at sex too."

And I say, "No, you're not, Horace. That will be £20."

I give him mates' rates.

It's quite sweet how I met my husband, Horace, actually.

We met on an internet dating website called Uniformdating.com.

I don't know if you know it,

but lots of people are in military uniforms and doctors and nurses.

Horace stood out immediately because he was wearing an ASDA uniform.

But further to that, his message stood out in amongst the other sort

of, "Hello, hot tits," and, "You plus me plus Bukkake equals heaven, baby."

Don't get me wrong, I love Bukkake as much as the next lady,

but I cannot stand being called baby, so he was no.

As I say, Horace's message stood out and it read thus,

"You remind me of a toe.

"Not because you are small and cute, but because when I am drunk,

"I shall bang you on the coffee table."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Oh!

Oh, gosh!

Chastity Butterworth, there. Now, let's take a look behind the scenes at the

Bullsmoor Youth Club, where the children of the future are being moulded in the present,

on the potting wheel of our very own Pete Swivel.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday

'happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.

'Its name - the BYC.

'Its leader - Pete Swivel.'

Youth unemployment's through the roof at the minute, so I'm

holding mock job interviews today to help the kids sharpen their skills.

This is Michael. Used to come here.

Two years ago, he was living on benefits

and spent all day sniffing glue with his mates. And now...

This is like something out of a film...

He's a trainee reconciliations clerk for ASDA at their HQ in Tottenham.

Free coffee all day!

I'm not their mate today, I'm their potential boss.

Two very different things. I've got to be cruel to be kind.

It's a tough old world out there. Now, they've all written down what company they want to interview for.

So one of the things I really want to drum into them, very important, sell yourself.

I'll ask you again, Trev, what makes you think you've got

the attributes to be a security guard here at Claire's Accessories?

Um...

Oh, come on!

How about you've been nicking stuff your whole life, so if thieves

did come in the shop, you'd know exactly what to look out for?

Always demonstrate what your past experiences can bring to the role.

You've got those GBH charges you were up on last year. Say that.

Lets them know that if you did have to get physical with anyone,

you're not afraid to let your hands go.

Yeah. It's all good stuff.

Doing your research is vital.

You need to know the ins and outs of a duck's arse about the company before you go in.

Welcome to Flames, Enfield's premiere strip club.

I'll start by saying, we run a strict no touching policy here, so

you can get up and shake your bits about without fear of being groped.

But what do you know about us?

You're a chicken shop.

'Obviously, Flames is a chicken shop. I've apologised to Jane.

'I just assumed stripping was a natural career path for her.'

But like the saying goes, don't believe everything you read.

Especially if it's written on toilet walls.

In some of these top places, the interviewer will do something out

of the blue just to surprise you, to see how you cope under pressure.

I need to prepare these kids for every eventuality.

Next!

No, I don't think you're cut out for the public sector, Del.

Next!

Michael's inspired this whole thing really. I'm so proud of him.

It shows you what you can achieve if you knuckle down and work hard.

And your mum's sucking off the head of HR at ASDA.

APPLAUSE

Pete Swivel, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, our favourite Spanish dish. Expect womanising to be taught 'ere.

Ladies and gentlemen, you tap-his-ass, it's Antonio!

CHEERING

FUNK MUSIC

Buenas noches, you naughty little gringos!

It's me, Antonio, seduction expert.

My ex-wife used to describe me as one giant erogenous zone.

Or as she put it, "A total prick."

LAUGHTER

Being from the Mediterranean, I enjoy good food,

hot weather and boning your girlfriend.

You're welcome.

Me? I'm a real man, and I know how to do things, OK?

So tonight, I'm going to show you how to ride a horse.

Me? I'm a lot like a stallion myself.

Red-blooded, virile and when you ride me, I like to neigh.

Also, I shit standing up.

Anyway, horses, they are also like the women.

Beautiful, well-groomed, and if you try to mount them from behind,

they kick you hard.

Also, I find if you put your hand out like this and put some grass in it...

Oh, that's just horses.

I think it's time for a riding lesson.

For assistance, this is Jackie, our equestrian expert.

Tell me, Jackie, where exactly is Equestria?

LAUGHTER

I'm only joking, I know perfectly well an equestrian is someone

who is born between the 20th of January and the 18th of February.

It's a star sign, like Capri-Sun.

Now unfortunately, my stallion Miguel is still outside the building,

as we're not allowed horses in here.

Which is weird, because horses and I, we have at least one thing in common.

HE CHUCKLES

We both wear shoes.

So, Jackie, as my horse Miguel is outside,

perhaps it's best that you show me how to ride you.

GIGGLING: She's kinky.

Now remember, when mounting you want to... Ah! No...

Ah, ow, ah, shit, no, no,

yes, yes, more, more, oh, ah, ah,

ah, oh, my bum, oh, oh, oh...

Ho!

PAINED: She's a very good actress!

LAUGHTER

Never mount a woman from behind!

I should have seen this coming - equestrians hate Capri-Suns.

Well, if Jackie's having none of it...

I'm pretty sure Miguel is game.

HORSE NEIGHS

That's right. I'm going to go fuck a horse.

WHOOPING

Antonio, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen,

you're a lovely audience,

give yourself a round of applause for being so absolutely awesome.

CHEERING

-And what do you see when you look at this image?

-A vagina.

Again! Very interesting.

And what about this image?

A vagina, they're all photos of vaginas,

what's this got to do with my interview?

Tom, it'll all be clear at the end of my programme.

It's about the power of suggestion,

and nothing is more suggestive than a vagina.

CAMERAMAN MIMICS GUITAR RIFF

Stop doing that, Ishmael, the soundtrack goes in after.

Up until this morning, Tom was hopeless. A freak. L'etranger.

Translation - a massive dufus.

Having never succeeded at anything in his life, he's going

to do a job interview, and he's going to get it.

Tom, I'm not any more prepared for this interview,

can you please just leave me alone?

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Not prepared, or more prepared?

What's that mug you've been slurping all day?

-Sure it hasn't been motivating you?

-Obama. Great.

Now check your screensaver.

-Is that my head on Hitler?

-Feeling inspired?

Just leave me alone, the rota says you're meant

-to be doing stage lights.

-What, this rota here?

Tom, that took me ages...

"You will not fali this interview"?

Ishmael - fail! F-A-L-E, like I said!

Tom, I'd really rather prepare for this on my own.

-None of this makes any sense.

-Well done.

As I always say, senses are very overrated.

FAINT CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to the make-up department, my name's Linda.

Now, who do we have here? No, don't tell me, I'm going to guess!

Hey, Nick, could you say hello to my friend? It's Nick Grimshaw.

Very funny, it's not, it's Russell Howard - Kane!

Look, I'm really, I'm in a hurry...here.

He think he's Russell Howard but he's actually Nick Grimshaw.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, it's disappointing when you meet them and they're not that great.

-I'm actually in a bit of a hurry, if we could...

-Yeah, we all are.

So we're just going to highlight your cheeks and try

and make the nose smaller.

I wish you were Nick Grimshaw.

There's no reason why you'd know, but I'm the host, Russell Kane.

(Stop lying to yourself, sweetie.)

Are you doing some juggling for us today? Are you the juggling girl?

I really am the host, if you don't know I'm the host,

how are you going to do my eyeliner the way I like it?

OK, so I just keep him under observation?

OK, thank you, doctor, thank you very much.

I've got it, you're the Dutch milking girl act! Where are your clogs?

Yeah, that's right, that's who I am, I am Annika the Dutch milking girl.

Yes, I knew it!

Do we need the Dutch girl on stage?

OK, sweetie, you're up.

In episode last, gay slurs were cast.

And Dave was flung out of Essex pad, fast.

Thou art better purged of that prick.

He ain't not a prick, Mum, not no he ain't.

He is so much a prick that 10,000 spears topped with a million

gold-plate javelins, and each of those adorned with a billion

platinum drawing pins would still be less of a prick than that cu...

Ladies.

LAUGHTER

Ah, I perceive the atmosphere is ripe for reconciliation.

My sixth sense is Bruce Willis on Ritalin.

It's Uri Geller on MDMA.

Watch how I, with words smoother than a Jamaican hip,

do grind and bogle things in my favour.

-Elainia.

-Prick, get out.

Sharonetti? Babe!

What, be there no chance?

There is more chance of John Terry fingering Michelle Obama.

Mother please, quell thy wrinkled beak.

Dave, thou art a cheater and a wanker quite useless.

Yet I love thee for that! Oh, my God, Oh, my God though.

My eldest slapper, nay!

I do love the div, dear dowager, though he be more pointless

than a little pencil, tis with he that I hath merries made.

Like that time I got it in thine eye,

and we had to go down A&E to unstick thy Cheryl Cole lash.

Yeah, and when I slashed in an alley while you got kicked in...

BOTH: ..by that coke dealer!

Magic memories make sin slight in hand.

Despite myself, their tasty affections have poured

cold balsamic on the spicy beans of mine anger.

Love is like a sit-down Wimpy.

What seems bastard base burger in fact is a fine feast fed upon

with fly cutlery.

My daughter's yeasty loaves, his risen sun,

my future son-in-law - a bender in a bun.

LAUGHTER

-RUSSELL ON STAGE:

-See? Comprehensives can work.

Right, our next acts are such a part of the Electric furniture

IKEA make them in a flat-pack called "Mashkoop",

but we known them as...Two Episodes of Mash!

CHEERING

-Hello!

-AUDIENCE: Hello.

-I'm Joe, she's Diane.

-Hello.

-Eh, tonight...

We're going to do some sketches, woo!

-Yes, yes, yes!

-Just get on with it before you irritate them too much.

Good point, right.

Some of you might know that we can project pictures on our

green screen, but we thought tonight it'd be fun - bit of fun, you know -

to project an image that you choose, someone in the audience,

to go up here.

And it's a way of killing a bit of time.

And it's a way of killing a bit of time.

LAUGHTER

So, hello.

-What would you like projected there?

-Watermelon.

-Watermelon!

-Can we have...?

-What, a what?

-It's a bit shit, it'll do.

LAUGHTER

-What does he want?

-UNDER HIS BREATH:

-I'll knock his teeth...

Can we have a picture of a water melon up here?

-That's rubbish.

-No, a watermelon. Water...

-Oh!

-You anus!

APPLAUSE

What'd you ask for a pissing water melon for?! It's a foreign fruit!

You've caused a power cut, I've got a Cornetto in the freezer!

If it melts, so help me, God, I will fucking kill...

Oh, it's all right, the back-up generator's kicked in.

The Cornetto's going to be fine.

-Shall we do a sketch?

-Yeah...you got lucky there, son.

All right, here we are.

CAPES!

LAUGHTER

Up you go!

Up you go!

Up you go...

Go on, up you go.

-Up you go, you're not going up.

-No.

-Why aren't you going up?

-I don't know.

-Oh, for fu...

When we said we were going to do the trick, we divvied up the tasks.

-I know, I know.

-I got the capes.

-Yeah.

You were going to learn to levitate.

-Sorry.

-I had to get two capes - one fucking thing you had to do.

LAUGHTER

-Been really busy.

-Shut up!

-Flap your cape.

-What?

-Flap your cape.

Thank God we've got the capes,

-otherwise that could have been embarrassing.

-Yeah.

CHEERING

Two Episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen.

If we've left you wanting more after the show, head straight to...

Or if any of my family are watching, top up your mobiles

with at least a fiver, and you should be able to see it.

Don't click on video though, or your 3GS will explode.

From me and the Electrolytes - goodbye!

CHEERING

Feeling more positive about the interview, Tom?

Not really, just got an e-mail

saying they're not seeing people any more.

Then your wish is granted.

What'd you mean?

You didn't fail the interview, because there was no interview.

Please don't tell me you cancelled it.

I didn't have cancelled, I did have it moved forward and went myself.

-And yes, I got the job, thanks for asking(!)

-I fucking hate you.

I had no idea you were going to say that.

Or did I?

ISHMAEL MIMICS GUITAR RIFF

ISHMAEL: Yeaaaaaah.