Episode 4 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language

# Me and my girlfriend... #

-You OK?

-Yeah, sorry, I just can't stop singing love songs.

# Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel... #

-I hear you...

-# Check out me run-time want to do me bam-bam! #

I hear you have a girlfriend.

Oh, do not put a label on it, please. I hate that.

Just, on the e-mail you sent around to the whole production,

-you called her your girlfriend.

-Whatever she is,

she has had the most incredible effect on me. I mean,

she's really mellowed me out.

-Do you want to go see Bob Marley with me later?

-I don't think he's alive.

-Cool, man. Whatever.

-Well, if you're not too loved up,

-maybe you can help me with these purchase orders...

-Hi, Tom.

-Hello.

-You look great. Have you lost weight?

Sorry. You know what it's like when you're in love,

everything coming up roses, can't eat, can't sleep,

bleeding out your butthole 24/7.

I don't think that's a thing, Tom.

Well, anyway, she is coming to the studio tonight,

so try not to be a huge dork.

Why are you getting that out now, Tom?

Do you know what those things are for?

Uh, spare me the birds and bees, newbie.

I think I got this covered.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello. All right?

Welcome to Live at the Electric, a bukkake of sketch and stand-up

spattering mirth in your direction for the next half-hour.

I'm Russell Kane,

and I'll be the person guiding you through this orgy of wonderment,

but first, I am obsessed. This year my theme is family

and what's going to happen to me.

I think for men, the choice is quite simple, isn't it, gentlemen?

As we become men ourselves, we choose this.

I'm either going to be like my dad, or I'm going to be the opposite.

They're your options. There are no more options when you're a man.

We're simple creatures - black or white, like my dad or the opposite.

They're the options for a man.

"As long as I can be one percent like that man."

It's either that or, "As long as I'm nothing like that pig.

"And the things he did to my mum and woo-ey-hey-hey." All right?

Whereas, women tend to be,

"Are you going to be like your mum or the opposite?"

"I think it's a bit more complicated than that.

"I'll be a bit like her, but there's aunts in my life, women,

"lots of people. Let's light a candle and break this down."

Uh... I know this is a bit disrespectful,

because those of you who follow my comedy career will know

my dad passed away years ago.

Those of you that didn't know my dad was dead, think it through.

Do you think I'd do stand-up about a man like that

if he were still alive?

I'd be on Imodium every night of the frigging week.

16 stone of highly racist, non-artistic lump of steak here,

proper job hands, used to take his food out of the microwave fresh

while looking at me. "I can't even feel it!" One of those.

And he was one of those men you never see laugh. You know those men?

I've never seen it. The only thing that made my dad laugh -

horrible, racist comedy,

or if he saw, you know a posh car in an accident -

"That'll be a write-off."

HE CACKLES

An emotionally violent man, not physically violent.

"I don't know my own strength." That's what he used to say.

"I don't know my own strength, so I can't hit..."

Here's a bit of advice.

Learn it, gentlemen. Learn your strength.

"Do you mind if I hold the baby?"

Splat! "Oh, I'm sorry."

"I popped its head."

This is how violent my dad was.

He wasn't physically violent cos he didn't trust his own strength.

Yeah! Trying to turn it into a positive.

Only a white working-class man could try and turn the fact

that he didn't trust his own strength into a masculine positive.

"I'm so strong, I'm so buff, I can't discipline my own kids."

There are no women that find that attractive.

There are no women in nightclubs going,

"Look at him, he looks like he could kill a baby. He's my kind of stuff.

"He's mine. He might have destroyed my child, but look at his biceps.

"He's so buff!" No.

This is one I'll never forget.

I'll take this one to the nursing home with me.

We were out having a ploughman's over the Warren Wood in Epping,

having a ploughman's,

and we were outside,

and a bluebottle landed on my dad's cheddar, right?

Now, most mentally normal humans,

and abnormal ones, would waft the fly away. Would you not?

Do you know what my old man did?

Tracked it with his eyes like that.

Wanting it to land on his food, like that.

We're all sat there, me and my brother James and my mum,

thinking, "this'll be a table tip, a roar, what's going to happen?"

This is what he did.

This is the most pathetic, impotent display of testosterone

I've ever seen in my life. The fly was sat there on his cheese.

He leant in to that fly, about this far from its wings,

and went, "Wanker!" at the fly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got an amazing show for you tonight.

We've got sketches and characters all over the shop,

and now it's time for Wittank to welcome us to their comedic realm.

It'll be an education. This is The School!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Jones? I could use a hand with this stationery order.

In a minute. I'm just finishing my lunch.

Listen up, pricks.

Who do you think would win

in a fight between Miss Watts and an orang-utan?

The orang-utan?

Correct.

But she fought well. Jones.

Headmaster, I need a stationery inventory.

I've got no idea what to order.

Why don't we just ask the Oracle?

-The what?

-It knows everything.

Who's the Oracle?

Many years ago, in Ulan Bator, I happened upon a wise shaman.

He told me about a mysterious cave deep in the mountains

known for its mysterious powers.

I never went, but on the way back I met this Oracle chap.

He's a magic head who can see into the future

-and he makes a fabulous pet.

-So where is he?

ANGELIC CHORUS

Greetings. I am the Oracle.

My knowledge and wisdom knows no boundaries.

I take it somebody wants to order some stationery.

-Hello, you bollockless box-bound bitch!

-Hello.

It's amazing. It knows literally everything.

The great Oracle also sees the future.

OK, if you can really see into the future,

then what's Jones going to do with that pen?

He's going to poke it in his eye.

No, I'm actually going to...

Ow! OK, very good.

Sir, surely we should use it for more than stationery.

He could cure disease or solve world hunger.

Yes, well, the solution to world hunger is actually

-a very simple system of crop...

-Hey, guys, watch this.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! It's not fair... I mean, it's not fair in any way.

I mean, I'm just a head.

Oh. Oh...

Ah! That one hurt. Ow!

Shall I put a finger up his nose?

OK, what? Really?

There we go.

What am I supposed to do?

-What'll you do about it?

-What? Oh.

-Jones, fart in his face.

-OK!

HE PARPS

Ooh!

He could tell us the meaning of life.

Yes, at last. The meaning of life is actually, it's to try...

-I'm allergic.

-What was that?

I was just going to explain the meaning...

-He doesn't have any hands.

-Can I tell you?

No, no, seriously, go on. No, we're listening.

The meaning of life...

Ah!

The meaning of life...

Right, that's the stationery done.

Oh, but what about my other duties?

OK, I think that's enough of the disembodied head for now.

-But I still haven't sucked your...

-Goodbye.

What?

BELL RINGS

Right, that's lessons. Off you piss. Go on.

-(MUFFLED)

-Would you mind opening the box?

HE HUMS

You know how you can see into the future?

UNZIPS HIS FLY

You're welcome.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wittank. And now, a lady who, when it comes to beauty and fitness,

has spectacularly pert tips.

It's Marijana.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Love To Love You Baby" by Donna Summer

MUSIC FADES OUT

They play this music,

because they know it's what you're hearing in your head

when you are looking at me.

Here is me. Me is Marijana,

health and happiness guru to the stars.

Follow me, and I guarantee

you will have a body to die for and a reason to live.

I have many celebrity client following the Marijana method.

Two of the Sugababes, original line-up, to name but a few.

But my biggest celebrity client,

and please keep this on the hush low, but my biggest one

is being David Cameraman, yes! Prime Minister!

Leader of the Conservatories, yes.

It's not all celebrities, please rest assured

that I am just as comfortable working with the poor and the ugly.

So, let's get crackling.

Now, my love affair with health and fitness begin five year ago.

When I wake up in the middle of the night with very bad pain in my chest,

very strange sensation, like fa-doom.

LAUGHTER

At first, I did not know if it was trapped wind or a panic attack,

but turns out was neither.

Turns out was my emotions.

My emotions was manifestationing themself in my physical health,

so I decided, no, Marijana, enough is being enough.

And I start working out.

And not because I want to be more attractive, no.

It's really not about that for me.

I've always been fucking gorgeous.

My own husband finds me so attractive,

he can't actually live with me. Yes.

He's had to move very far away.

But you know, boys, while the cat is away,

the mice will have some cheese.

Maybe some wine.

See what happens.

No.

Looking at you all now, I think we will start with the body, eh?

Leave the mind and soul for later.

Let's not run before we can walk out of the front door

without scaring the birds! No. No.

Some of you are fine.

I can see we have some younger ladies here.

You are very nice, very attractive, very lovely. Well done, you.

If you are not careful,

then in five, ten, maybe 13 years, top whack,

it is all going to be going down to the south.

Your face, your boob - they will be like pack of migrating birds

going south for the winter of your life.

And this is not winter that would last nine, ten months of the year,

like in England, no.

This is a winter that will last forever.

And once it has gone, it has gone.

Because what a lot of people don't realise is that your body

is not going to be takings care of itself, OK?

It takes hard work and defecation.

LAUGHTER

I always say that looking after the body

is much like looking after a small island.

Look at David Cameraman.

He is full of defecation.

He is spreading this defecation all over the country.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been Marijana.

You have been unattractive and miserable for too long.

I will be back to help. Take cares of yourself.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Marijana!

And now, make way for the undervalued lord of unrequited love.

It's Luke McQueen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I didn't mean to cheat on my girlfriend, but I did, accidentally.

Sarah's left me, so I need her to see how sorry I am.

I'll do anything to get her back.

Today I'm going to do something really romantic for Sarah.

I don't think she's ever really had anyone do something special for her

'so yeah, today is going to be a great day.

'I know where she works, actually, so I'm going to head down there.

'I haven't told her I'm coming. This is going to be a surprise.

'I'm going to put some posters up, hand some flyers out,

'tell people about this big event.

'I want people to see how much I love Sarah.

'I want Sarah to see how much I love Sarah.

'Yeah, I just can't wait to see her face.'

Thanks for coming, guys. Thank you for coming.

Let me explain why I'm doing this.

Basically, my girlfriend recently dumped me,

because I cheated on her, and I just want to do something now for her.

SLOW PIANO MUSIC

My girlfriend actually works in this shopping centre

and I know what I did was wrong.

Sarah, I just want to show you now how much you mean to me. I love you.

# What have I got to do to make you love me? #

Just works up there. Sarah!

# What have I got to do to make you care? #

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Sarah.

I'm going to see you exactly what I'm willing to give up for you.

Sarah used to say that I spent too much time on my Xbox 360.

Not any more!

That's worth over £150.

But do you know what, Sarah?

You're worth more than £150.

That's my Xbox!

I think in hindsight, I probably should have sold the Xbox,

but, you know, I wanted to make a statement and I did that.

I really wanted her to see the gammon

because you know, that's commitment.

Now we can both be vegetarians.

# The hardest word... #

It went so well. I'm really pleased.

I was hoping that maybe she'd come out after I'd smashed the flowers,

but you know, I was prepared for that. That was fine.

-Everybody! Sarah, Sarah!

-Sarah!

Sarah! Sarah! Sa...

No, she's not there. All right.

She didn't come out, which is disappointing, but

she'll definitely hear about this and you know, it was pretty romantic.

Do you think it was the singing?

Anyone want that?

Cheers, then, guys.

So, this is the exciting part now. I've got my phone on,

and I'm just waiting for the call.

I'm sure she'll respect me after this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What are you doing?

Taking down my beer pyramid.

Girlfriend wants me to cut back on the binge drink stacking.

-Women, eh?

-Yeah.

She wanted me to get rid of the dildo collection. I was like, "No way!"

-It's a guy thing, right?

-Yeah, I never understood why you have them.

Exactly.

So, how did we meet the lucky lady?

We actually met in this really cool little cafe.

-An internet cafe?

-Yeah.

-So, you met on the web.

-Yes.

-So, do you video chat or...?

-We try, but often her camera is broken

or there's a power cut, or she hides.

-So, you haven't actually seen her.

-Not in the flesh, no,

but she sent me a picture and that picture tells 1,000 words.

Hot, fit, and model.

So, what's her name?

Angelina Lopez.

Tom...

I don't think she's real.

Oh. Wait. Because I've never actually seen her?

Yeah.

And because she said her ex-boyfriend was Brad Pitt?

That also sounds suspicious.

Well, it's a good thing she said it was Johnny Depp.

Try to be happy for me, newbie.

Oh. Will we be seeing you at the meet and greet?

-Yep. Sure.

-Great.

Oh, and between you and me,

Johnny Depp...

Tiny little finger.

Now, you only get the freshest talent here at the Electric,

and our next act is so new that

this is literally one of his very first live performances,

but everything seems really positive

and I think he's going to make a big impact.

It's Roger Showbusiness.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner

# Church house, jailhouse

# Schoolhouse, outhouse

# On Highway Number 19

# The people keep the city clean

# They call it Nutbush... #

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Roger Showbusiness.

(Oh, God.)

By perf...

By performing stage hypnotism tonight...

..I'm going to prove to you all

what a massive mindbender I am.

LAUGHTER

Why is that funny?

LAUGHTER

I am a massive mindbender.

I'm here tonight because my psychiatrist suggested I try

stage hypnosis to better understand the workings of my own mind.

Tonight, I'm going to hypnotise one member of the audience,

and then get them to eat this entire block of Red Leicester cheese.

Then we'll all laugh at that person,

and I can finally feel like part of a group!

So, who wants to come up on stage and be hypnotised?

LAUGHTER

(Oh, God!)

Don't be shy.

As my foster mother always said,

what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Ironically, she died bench-pressing weights at the gym.

AUDIENCE GROANS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

AUDIENCE GROANS

Just one word of warning before I get someone up here on stage.

I make them look like an absolute dick.

Stage hypnosis should only be attempted by a trained professional,

like me.

Otherwise, there is a chance that you somehow hypnotise yourself.

And no-one wants to be the moron on stage eating the cheese.

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

Oh, God!

Wurgh...

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Wurgh...

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Idiot!

'80S-STYLE POP MUSIC

Introducing new Shrink, the soft drink that makes bits of you shrink.

# Shrink your head, even your foot

# Shrinking your bits never tasted so good

# Knock back a juice and it's making you shrink

# Twisting and shrinking with every drink! #

I shrunk my bladder, and now I need a piss all the time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, we must muster the musical musings of

our venerable, vulnerable virtuoso.

It's Gareth Richards!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

Hello, my name is Gareth. Say, "Hello, Gareth."

-Hello, Gareth.

-Hello, everybody.

So, I'm going to be playing a song for you today.

This is the QChord.

It's sort of like a one-man band,

but you don't need any other musicians.

It's ideal.

I used to be in a band called Spinal Argos.

We had an excellent back catalogue.

LAUGHTER

So, this is the QChord.

It's a bit like me as an instrument.

You may not have heard of it before.

It's a little bit unusual,

but I think if you give it a chance, you might like it.

This is a song for all the single ladies in the audience tonight.

# Don't go out with a policeman

# It's a risk you shouldn't take

# He'll jump to wrong conclusions

# And they shoot you by mistake

# Don't go out with a postman

# He'll make you wait in line

# He's obsessed with the size of his package

# And he never comes on time

# Don't go out with a drug dealer

# Think where he'll hide the stash

# He'll get it all through customs by sticking it up your ass

# I don't want to be negative but I'm trying to make you see

# There's one guy you should be with

# And that one guy is me

# Don't go out with a banker

# He's got no more cash to loan us

# It's all gone down, now he can't get it up

# He's obsessed with the size of his bonus

# Don't go out with an IT man cos whenever things go wrong

# He'll try to turn you off, and then turn you back on

# Don't go out with a footballer

# He'll share you with his friends

# He can't make love without company and at half-time they'll change ends

# Go out with a comedian

# Because if you never see him

# It's not because he doesn't care

# It's because he works in the evening

# Go out with a comedian, he'll spend all your hard-earned money

# He'll spout a stream of endless drivel

# And then ask you if it's funny.

# Go out with a comedian

# You'll get true love and affection

# But you'll probably have to make the first move

# Cos he's on the autistic spectrum. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. I've been Gareth Richards. Goodbye!

Aw! It's the end, though!

We've come to the end, ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-I know.

But if we left you wanting more after the show, just head to...

From me and the Electrolytes,

goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you OK?

-Yep.

Funny how a player only realises he has a heart when it gets broken.

-So, it was a scam after all.

-Yes.

Sorry, dude.

-Do you want to get a beer?

-Yeah, sure.

Well, can you hurry up, then? I don't want to be left alone.

Please, Tom! You're breaking my heart.

-You broke it yourself, kid. Now get out of here!

-No, please!

I said leave!

Oh, and tell Johnny Depp he's welcome to you.

And that he was awesome in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Curse of the Black Pearl.

I thought you said it was a...

Scam. Yeah. She used a fake photo. That was not the girl I fell for.

Really?

Sorry about all the lovey-dovey stuff.

In my defence, though, I thought I was talking to this.

She's out there somewhere.

Guess it serves me right for lying on my profile.

I said I had a tiny dick. It's actually three inches when erect.

But I didn't want to scare her.

See you on Monday, newbie.