Episode 8 Live at the Electric

That's the fifth time you've shaved today, why you bothering?

-We all know you don't gots pubes.

-Is it cool to have lots of pubes?

I guess not. Brazilian.

Oh, listen, Tom, my dad's coming to the show tonight,

-so I was wondering if maybe we could be left alone.

-OK, cool.

-What's your dad going to do?

-No, no, not me and you, me and my dad. Just try not to be annoying.

-What's your dad like? Is he a DILF?

-No.

What? No.

-He's actually a professional singer.

-Oh, God.

Another one of Simon Cowell's robots, no doubt.

Erm, Dad's a bit more highbrow than that.

-What's the last thing he did?

-Jersey Boys.

Has your dad ever seen The Scorpion King with Dwain "The Rock" Johnson?

-I doubt it.

-Because that is begging to be made into a musical.

I think I speak for my dad in saying that is a terrible idea, Tom.

People are always saying how similar we are.

I guess that's why we both ended up working in the world of stage.

-Backstage. Very different.

-Hello Papa.

-Hello, Silly Socks.

-Silly Socks.

Let me look at you.

Oh, my finger is raw from your face.

So once you've shaved, let's get on with this little backstage tour

so Papa can enjoy the real show.

Well, interestingly, Papa, the show doesn't actually start without

my say so. So without further ado, strap in and enjoy the ride.

You left the safety on.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Electric!

CHEERING

A circus of character and carefully choreographed sketch

with me at the centre.

Now, you're probably sitting at home watching this thinking,

"Hey, that looks pretty glamorous doing stand-up in a piss-smelling,

"condemned theatre with a smashed-up piano." But let me tell you,

my feet are firmly on the ground. They're so firmly on the ground that I refuse, whenever I can,

VIP - I like to mingle with normal people, and recently

I was on holiday in Thailand, I was having a wicked night,

I was there with my girlfriend, Lindsey from Manchester, Linz-ehh!

-As it's pronounced.

-LAUGHTER

And this was the mistake I made,

instead of going through the lit path down the beach on the way home,

I thought, right, take the short cut, through the dark path,

to where the taxi was waiting, and that's when this little incident happened.

As I was walking, I heard this,

"Russell, can I have a photo, please? Please, Russell?"

So I turned around to do the photo. As I turned round to do

the photo, and I'm cleaning the language up a lot for BBC THREE,

this guy said, "Don't effing bother, I think yer effing shite." Right?

Two big Geordies start abusing me verbally,

"That's right, you're effing shite, don't come back.

"We don't want an effing photo and that." What am I going to do?

It's two massive Geordie guys. Big.

You know how big the Geordie guys are. It was two of them,

with the vest, with one bit of string vest going down the middle,

and a tit muscle hanging over each one.

They'd been doing that dance some men have all night, which is the

heterosexual fist pump dance. "It's the only dance move I've

"effing well got, it's like punching and dancing at the same time."

I'd been dancing next to them going "Oh, I can feel the sand on my feet, I love Thailand.

"It's so amazing. I'm just so connected."

I've got a brilliant ability to resist abuse.

I wouldn't have become a stand-up otherwise, but it's carrying on.

"That's right, walk off, you effing shite." Doing the fist pump. But I'd forgotten,

I'm dating a Northern girl, not a Southern girl,

and Northern girls attack, yeah?

But Lindsey, she's just lost it. Turned around, in a dark alley,

to two pissed-up Geordies and gone...

-IN NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"Why don't you both piss off? You're just fucking jealouuuus."

LAUGHTER

Now, something went in my brain and I felt myself turning.

Five foot ten and 11st

of eyeliner-wearing ponce

is turning around.

I've turned, I've turned. In my bag is two bottles of beer.

They are plastic, but these two guys don't know that, right?

I pulled these two bottles out and went,

"Come on then, let's do this."

-LAUGHTER

-Now, you know that thing your parents tell you?

"Hey, just stand up to bullies, they soon back down."

Thanks for that lie. Thanks for that lie, Mum.

And these guys are coming towards me, I can't get out of it.

Lindsey has lost it, she's not tough any more.

-IN NORTHERN ACCENT

-"I'm sorry, let's go, don't look back in anger, I'm sorry."

LAUGHTER

But I've... I've suddenly got the testosterone of three bouncers, right?

I'm just stood there like that going, "All right?"

I'm even doing what some men do, which is, you know the fight salsa

with the hips? I've got a bit of fight salsa going,

"You want some of that, do you?

"Got a bot of fight salsa in my hips mate, do you want that?"

Hip fight salsa.

I didn't even know I could do fight salsa!

These guys are coming towards me.

As his face has entered the orb of light, it's completely

changed into this wonderful, benevolent smile, and he said this...

"Oh, it's you! Sorry, mate, I thought you were

"Nick Grimshaw, the shit one from Radio One, I'm sorry. I love you."

"It was just banter, that's my banter, mate."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, prepare yourselves for political drama so full of credibility,

the script is in 24 point, bold and underlined. Set the font to

impact and the printer to landscape, it's The Situation Room!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The system is still down, this is code-red.

-Prime Minister, we've been hacked.

-How serious?

-Damn serious.

-They have control of our missile systems.

-We have to reset the nuclear passwords immediately.

-Give me the laptop. It can be anything?

-Something secure.

-OK done.

-Great, what was it?

What?

But it's my password.

Look, this is a matter for national security,

-you can't be the only one that knows.

-Erm...

We need that password now, sir.

Oh. Oh, no, I think I've forgotten it.

-Nuclear firewalls have been breached.

-Can I pick a new one?

Give us the password now or you'll get us all killed!

Oh, really?

OK, then.

-I...

-Yes.

-..want...

-Quickly.

..to see

Sarah's...

Oh, my God.

LAUGHTER

..muff...

..now.

LAUGHTER

Was that it?

4.

Because I needed a number.

Hurry, the hackers are taking control.

-It hasn't worked.

-Wait. How do you spell muff?

Quick tank.

Now, it's time to spin the gentrification dial all the way to

borderline royalty, it's Chastity Butterworth!

Oh, gosh! Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh. Oh!

So, my name is Chastity Butterworth

and being called such a name led me to have

a lot of nicknames at school.

Like Chaz and Titty...

LAUGHTER

Titty Butts...

Butty Face.

Squirter, but...

that's another story.

So I wonder if anyone here has any nicknames.

Sir, do you have a nickname at all?

What do you call him?

Tight Git.

The Tight Git. Well, Tight Git,

will you join me on stage? Tight Git everybody, come!

Come along.

Good evening, what a lovely pair of legs.

So, if I may shorten your name to Git, is that all right?

Perfect.

So if you can come closer, come on, don't be scared.

So, now then,

I have written some plays,

and now Git and I are going to perform them for you, aren't we, Git?

-Yes.

-Good boy. All right.

So, this first play is set in the very dramatic setting

of a pharmacy.

I know, "Oh, Doctor, stop it." All right.

LAUGHTER

Ready, go.

Hello, sir, and welcome to the pharmacy, how may I help you?

Just some paracetamol, please?

Ooh, paracetamol.

I like the way you say that, say it again?

-No.

-Oh, no.

I like the way you say that, say it again.

No.

Ha-ha.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Now, erm...

This next play, there's two plays in this next section

entitled, How To Disarm And Overt Violence With Manners.

I know. So we're going to see the first play without manners

and the second one with, just to see the power of them.

All right. Where it says, you, "Because I'm incredibly angry," Git,

that would be lovely, incredibly angry. Ready, go.

You just stood on my toe, you absolute craphead.

LAUGHTER

Well, you deserved it, prat face.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I'm going to kill your family.

LAUGHTER

Right, so, you can see, because I didn't apologise

for stepping on Git's toe,

now my family are in grave danger.

So we're going to see the second play, but this time with manners,

just to see the power of them.

Nice and angry again, Git. Ready, go.

You just stood on my toe, you absolute craphead.

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

That's OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Family saved.

Family saved, unless of course you don't like your family,

in which case do tell them to fuck off. Now...

Thank you. Well that's it, everybody.

Git, thank you, the drama section everybody, off you go.

Off you go. Off you go.

Now, finally, a short one-woman play

I've written about safe driving.

Indicate!

Thank you. Thank you.

Good night, thank you. Oh, gosh, thank you so much.

Oh, ooh.

Are you fed up with your large vegetables being stolen?

Well, thanks to genetic engineering,

we've managed to create boiling hot marrows.

SIZZLING

Fuck, that's hot!

Shitheads! Argh!

Boiling hot.

It's taken the skin off my shitting hands!

Boiling hot marrows, touch them

and they'll take the skin off your hands.

Arseholes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What a brilliant idea! Now, this truly is a new discovery,

someone who's hardly ever been on stage in his life.

Be gentle with him, give him lots of support, because I think there's

some real talent there. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Roger Showbusiness.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits

MUSIC FADES

LAUGHTER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Roger Showbusiness.

Oh, God...

LAUGHTER

I'm here tonight because my psychiatrist suggested that

I try stand-up to help build my confidence.

LAUGHTER

What's with that?

A catch phrase.

Are you ready to laugh?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Roger can't hear you.

LAUGHTER

I said, are you ready to laugh?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Oh, God, really?

Let the fun begin.

Don't make me COMB over there...

..said Bobby Charlton

when taunted about his balding hairstyle.

AWKWARD SILENCE

LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ.

If a box of paperclips is travelling at 30mph in one direction,

and a stack of photocopy paper is

travelling at 30mph in the other direction,

and they collide...

are they still both stationary?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't even remember why that's supposed to be funny.

And I wrote it.

What's with that?

LAUGHTER

Well, that's all from me, Roger Showbusiness.

To be honest, the thought of continuing in front of all of you

makes me want to be sick in my own mouth.

HE GAGS

Oh, God, I'm so sorry...

What's with that?

LAUGHTER

Good night.

This is bullshit.

So, next up we've got the rota I designed. I know what you're thinking. "Aah!"

But luminous highlighter's kind of my trademark.

# How very, very boring. #

You'll notice everyone's got a...

Boo! Oh, dear, someone's booing you.

Papa, I saw it was you.

What? Me?

It WAS me.

# The man who booed his son. #

Your voice is incredible.

Yep, should have heard him in Jersey Boys, still one of my faves.

Oh, how strange. It's one of my least favourites.

Although, you're the expert, I suppose.

Since you're tone deaf and you work backstage.

# And a huge disappointment. #

# Sorry pa... #

Oh, God, Tom, warn us!

-What are you up to next?

-Oh, presently working with

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on a musical adaptation

of The Scorpion King.

Yes, Mackintosh is sniffing around for a writing credit.

I guess some things never change.

Come on, Dad, now it's time for my performance.

You know those Excel short cuts I was telling you about?

-Going to do them blindfolded.

-Oh, dear.

I thought for a moment you might mean perform on stage.

-I'll give it a miss.

-I do mean on the stage.

Tonight.

-I'm going to do five minutes.

-Five minutes of what?

Of entertainment.

-Russell said I could do five minutes at the end.

-No, he didn't.

That actually works perfectly for me, guys.

I'm leaving early to bleach my J-Cloths, so you're on.

Sorry, I was listening to the whole thing.

Oh, looking forward to it.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, thank you.

And now, please welcome a minstrel so submerged in mirth,

his delightful ditties could give you decompression sickness.

Chortle snorkels on stand-by,

it's Alex Smith!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Well, you might think that women flock to someone who looks like

if Princess Anne joined Wham...

Erm, but it's not the case, but luckily I've found

the perfect place to meet women. We had one at university, it was

a medical health centre, and erm...

I found a leaflet, it was a condom instruction leaflet

and it said, "These condoms work fantastically with lubrication.

"However, don't use any natural lubricants like baby oil

"or butter."

LAUGHTER

Now, if you are out of KY,

Lurpak should not be your go-to.

And I really can't stress this enough,

despite appearances, a vagina...

is not a jacket potato.

LAUGHTER

# It's 10pm

# And MasterChef is over

# You say you're going to bed

# I know you're down for some sexual exposure

# You like to talk dirty

# You like to be so rude

# Say something filthy like

# Not tonight, not really in the mood

# I know what you're saying

# So I go down to the box of refrigeration

# And I grab us some dairy lubrication

# Got butter, got a rubber

# Maybe me and you should spend a night under the covers

# Take off your jeans Let's get obscene

# Oh, girl, thanks to margarine

# Oh-oh-oh... #

Oh!

# And now I have to eat all of my sandwiches dry

LAUGHTER

# My bed looks like where Homer Simpson died

LAUGHTER

# I used up

# All of my low-fat Flora-ah-ah-ah

# When I was breaking in

# Your back door, ah-ah-ah-ah

# You were on your knees You were looking pleased

# You were full of Omega 3

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# We were all a-flutter and then you utter

# I can't believe we just used butter. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday

happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.

Its name, the BYC.

It's leader, Pete Swivel.

-Just leave it with me, you don't need names. You don't, honestly.

-Just make sure it's done, then.

Will do, I've known these kids for years. You don't need to get involved.

-Any trouble, come back, but for now...

-Just sort it out.

-Thanks a lot.

Yeah, cheers, mate. Thank you.

I can't believe it, he said some of the kids had been seen

smoking weed round the back of the bins.

I ain't seen nothing though, and if it's one thing we pride ourselves on here

at the BYC, is that you're innocent until proven guilty.

No matter what's gone on before.

I don't need proof, you punk - you've got previous smoking that shit.

And why are you still doing it anyway? You'll put on weight with all the munchies, you know that,

-and you don't need it with your complexion.

-Pete, man,

I'm a musician - smoking the green is what we do, bruv.

You can just about play Happy Birthday on your

Cash Converters keyboard - you ain't selling out the O2 just yet.

It makes me more creative, though. It unlocks doors in my mind, blud.

Look at Shakespeare, he loved a Jamaican Benson.

Yeah, and look at the tripe he churned out.

-What? He's the greatest!

-Is he?!

Me and the ex went to see Macbeth at the Old Vic last year

and couldn't make head nor tail of it, right?

I was yawning after 20 minutes and Trudy passed out on a bloke's lap.

If you want to show a girl a really good night,

Starlight Express.

Rock music, dancing, roller skates,

girls in little hot pants shaking their arses, blinding.

And you know who it was written by?

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, and he's clean as a whistle.

Even though he does look like a smackhead.

LAUGHTER

Anthony needs to learn that if he does the crime, he'll do the time.

And the same goes for anyone else around here.

If my kindness is abused and they act like animals,

then that's how I'll treat them.

Look, there's loads here, pick it up.

I mean, I caught a kid with half a gram of cocaine on him the other month, you know what I did?

Exactly what I did to my cat when it shit on the carpet,

I rubbed his nose in it.

Unorthodox.

And it did accelerate the problem, he's in rehab now.

But, you know, you can't save them all, can you?

I can try and stamp out drugs around here

until I'm blue in the face, but I need support off the parents as well.

people like Anthony's dad, who's been absolutely brilliant.

Nice one, Barry, straight ahead.

He's had 100 of these T-shirts printed up as well for me

to hand round. He's loaded, but it's still really good of him.

And he's obviously been affected by what Anthony's going through, so...

he's set up a helpline.

Really nice touch.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pete Swivel doing important work in our community.

Our next act are such a part of this show's foundations

we have to inspect them twice a year for structural defects,

and I'm pleased to report that Joe has passed his survey!

It's Two Episodes of Mash!

It's the last episode!

Which is lucky for us.

Kind of run out of stuff.

Yeah, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

Oh, shit.

-But as it's the last one...

-Oh!

-..thought we'd...

I've found the remote control for the screen.

Brilliant. As it's the last one...

Been looking for that for the whole series.

-It was in my pocket the whole time.

-Hmmm.

-As it's the last one...

-Oh, it's working.

LAUGHTER

Do you think we can get ITV on here?

-As it's the last one...

-I'm going to try anyway.

-OK, then.

-I'll try.

-Hmmm.

Oh... I've pressed settings.

Oh. As it's the last one of the series...

I've pressed something called Old People.

-I don't care. As it...

-What does that mean?

I don't... Ooh. As it's the last one of the series, what we're going to do is, we're

going to start with a dance routine we've been practising, come on,

let's do the dancing, we've got to put on white gloves,

so give us a sec. Hold on.

APPLAUSE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That went all right.

Thank you.

Carpet!

LAUGHTER

SOMEONE WOLF-WHISTLES

-Don't like your carpet.

-Don't give a shit.

That's magic.

-It's not magic.

-That is magic.

-It's not.

-You don't believe me? Get on it, then. Go on.

-I'm not getting...

-Go on.

-No.

-Go on.

-No.

Get on it!

-Nothing's happening.

-Oh, is it not? Is it not?

Nope.

Check behind your ear, go on.

It's a 50 pence piece.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Check it, check it. Check in your pocket, go on.

Go on.

An egg.

Check... Go on, eh? Check...

Check backstage, check backstage.

Go on, go on.

-My elephant's gone!

-Check under the carpet.

The ace of clubs.

Oh, shit, something's gone wrong.

LAUGHTER

I think I'm going to have to buy you a new elephant.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Two Episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen.

That's it for now, but if you're after more exclusive content,

head straight to...

Or alternatively, send us a stamped, addressed envelope

and we'll send it to you on Betamax, MiniDisc or DAT cassette.

In brackets, we won't.

Now, to finish up today, as it's the last show, we've got

something a little bit different, you're going to love him, please welcome to the stage - Tom!

-Right, they're ready for you, mate.

-Here's the thing, my dad's here...

Yeah, I know, your dad's here and you want to impress him, this is your chance.

-No, I was just pretending so that he...

-Good luck, mate.

WHISTLE

I...

I...

I...

# I dreamed a dream in time gone by

# When hope was high and life worth living

# I had a dream my life would be

# So different from this hell I'm living

# So different now from what it seemed

# Now life has killed the dream

# I dreamed. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phew. Thanks so much, mate.

God, I feel guilty, though -

maybe I should tell my dad it was you singing.

What do you mean? He knew it was me.

He was auditioning me as a dubber.

And yes, I got the job - you are looking at the voice

of Dwain "The Rock" Johnson in Scorpion King: The Musical.

Great.

So I guess this is goodbye.

At least I finally get to be floor manager.

What?

I'm assuming I'll get your job.

I don't work here, mate!

I just like hanging out here.

See you on Monday, newbie.