Episode 7 Live at the Electric

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

ELECTRIC BUZZ Ow! Jesus!

Stand aside. It's overheating.

Don't! It's a circuit board, you moron.

Which is why I'm wearing the fire blanket.

Not that I need it. My grandfather was dragon born.

-Tom, this is your job.

-Yeah, well, you haven't fixed that loose scaffolding.

-Almost broke my neck up there!

-What were you doing?

-Parkour. Get it fixed.

I would. It's just I'm a bit scared of heights.

-You...

-..huge dork!

Found your security pass outside.

Nice facial expression...not!

Thanks. I lost this. Who are you?

-Hi, I'm Jim. This is...

-MOCKING:

-"Oh, hi, I'm Jim. It's Jim."

Please excuse the massive butthole on my elbow.

-You've got a butthole on your elbow?

-Yeah, you might want to get that looked at.

-Bite me.

What brings you here, cowboy? Not you.

Been sent in from the next door studio to help you guys out.

What's the matter? Smokin' too much wacky backy?

Just a bit, cos our mamas is so fat!

Nice ball-busting, dude! Liking your smack talk.

Cheers, right back at ya.

Nice to meet someone who can finally take my wicked side

without peeing in their panties or assing on me.

BOTH: You mean crossing.

Whatever. I'm just saying. It's much more fun doing these things...

..Together?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Electric!

Oh, can you hear that? I love it.

This is our yogic retreat of comedy.

Join our disciples as they walk the middle way of spiritual sketch

and ecclesiastic character en route to their comedic nirvana.

And showing the way is me, Guru Kane, your leader,

the Dalai Drama enlightening the path to light entertainment.

Though inevitably I will turn out to be a fraud

that pushes us all into a weird sex tepee where we're burnt out

by the Texan authorities.

-TEXAN ACCENT:

-"Come out, Kane. We don't want no more of your horseshit!"

You wouldn't know this, people at home,

but we have an Italian person in the audience.

Italian person - cheer for the people at home.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

-Yeah!

When an Italian person cheers, when a Spanish person cheers,

it's different to when a British person cheers.

We are obsessed with smallness.

Do you think any other country,

apart from the Greeks that do it ironically and in celebration,

cheer when a plate smashes in a restaurant or bar?

No! We're the only ones. No-one else feels the need to cheer

when something's dropped or fallen over.

Has anyone...? I'll tell you, do an experiment, go to America and fall over, right.

What do you think happens? Anyone want to guess?

I'll tell you what happens if you fall over in America.

This. Boom. Two seconds, someone rushes to you.

"Oh, my God, buddy, are you OK? You really took a tumble there, are you OK?

"I'll get Biff and Scooter and maybe some malt shake. Are you OK?"

That's what happens. Genuine concern, right.

Have you, er, have you seen what happens if you fall over in the UK?

Have a little fall over. Wahhh! Baboom!

The van will actually slow down, the window will come open,

"Wanker! Wanker's fallen over! The wanker's fallen over! Wanker's fallen over!"

"Femur's sticking out! Your femur's sticking out!

"Your femur's sticking out, yeah!" Drive off.

Yeah.

But, on the more... It does flow through to some more serious things

because don't you ever wonder, people of the United Kingdom...

I know we're in a bit of a bad way and there's been a recession and things haven't been too good

the last couple of years, but we're still, relatively, one of the wealthiest countries in Europe.

But if I had children, particularly if I ever have a daughter,

I'll be terrified that we hold the title

for the worst teenage pregnancy in Europe, right?

A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yay!

Some Essex people in cheering that, not getting it.

"Go on, Leanne, you're 17 now, carry on the tradition."

"Form a queue, Darren, hold my chips while Gary does me."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's not a positive thing, it's not.

It terrifies me, right?

Why is our teenage pregnancy the highest?

Why do we get pissed the most in the evening more than

somewhere in Spain or Italy where the booze laws are more relaxed?

Well, isn't that the point? It's about this smallness, this inwardness,

this tightness that Brits suffer from.

The more you suppress something, the more appealing it becomes.

The British mind is like a bouncy castle,

if you push down hard enough - wa-hey!

Teenage sex pops up at the other end.

Give us some more sex education for our teenagers, please.

I all I had was the drop-and-run technique from my mum -

leaflet in the bedroom, drop, run. That's it.

That's it. Just my mum disappearing out the door.

We tried to bring this into Parliament, it was like, we know,

in Sweden, in countries like that, they teach sex education to five year olds.

We should do it. Their teenage pregnancy is lower. What happens? I'll tell you.

All the working class dads go, "Anyone speaks to my little girl about sex,

"I'm comin' up that school, I'll rip his 'ucking head off!" That's what happens.

Do you not understand?

It's like having a travel jab before you go on holiday.

A little bit of knowledge about sex stops you wanting to have it earlier.

Can you not see it? I feel sorry for primary school teachers if a little

eight-year-old girl says, "Excuse me, teacher, I'm ready to learn. Where do babies come from?"

The teacher legally has to say, "I'm sorry, I can't tell you where babies come from.

"Why don't you come back when you're 14 WITH the baby, and I'll backdate the information."

APPLAUSE

This is the Electric, ladies and gentlemen!

And now the look behind the scenes the NUT have been desperate to hide from view.

It's Wit Tank! The School!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good morning, deputy.

-You're in a good mood.

Yes. The headmaster gave me this lollipop.

Jones, your trousers?

Oh! No, no, no! Don't worry I've just spilt some tea.

And then I wet myself.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to decipher your medical form.

Mmm. Medical rhymes with wedical.

Jones, sometimes you're such an idiot I think you might actually

be some sort of mad genius.

BLEEPING AND WHIRRING

They're pencils.

Where's headmaster? He's been gone for over an hour.

And THAT'S how long a shit should take.

Jones, have that clean.

I may have misunderstood what toilet book actually means.

Headmaster, I'm trying to work out Jones' medical form.

-He's left place of birth blank, and for blood type he's just written "red".

-Leave it with me.

-Sir, he doesn't even know where he was born.

-I said I'll deal with it.

Jones is...not from this place.

What do you mean?

He's different.

You see, it was years ago when I found him.

I was still young.

I was very different back then.

DIGITAL WATCH BLEEPS

And THAT'S how long a shit should take!

'And then one day I found a mysterious basket

'and inside - a magnificent egg!

'Immediately I was awestruck.

'Oh! How its beauty touched my very soul.'

Fuck me - that's a big egg!

'And so I cared for it.'

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

HE LAUGHS

'Nourished it, loved it. We were inseparable.

'For the first time in my life, something was actually important to me.'

Get out!

'And then one day, a few weeks later,

'it happened. My baby was about to be born.

'It felt like my own flesh and blood.

-'And then, suddenly...'

-Hello, I'm Jones.

SQUISH

I've trod on an egg!

And just like that...

..he was gone.

My sweet Benjamin...little egg.

So, where's Jones actually from?

I don't know. I think he's from Kent.

LAUGHTER

The School, ladies and gentlemen.

In a world of CGI, animatronics and impossible 3D digital after effects,

it's good to know that one of this next act has a genuine beard.

But it's not just about Diane, Joe's in it too.

-It's Two Episodes Of Mash!

-CHEERING

CHEERING

Hello! Er, I'm Di... Er...

Er... We're going to do some sketches.

-There's a bloke at the back that looks like you.

-Eh?

-There's a bloke at the back of the room that looks like you.

-Really?

Yeah. Can we can we put him on the screen?

-The... The bloke there.

-LAUGHTER

-Which one?

-The bloke with the beard!

-That?

-Yes!

Doesn't look anything like me. He's a... He's a right oddball!

He looks like a gormless erection.

-Shall we do a sketch?

-You talk some shit!

Actually can we get rid of that? It's making me feel sick.

Put somebody else up. I don't know, picture of something.

Blue bucket.

-That'll do, yeah.

-Sketch.

Right, ready?

LOUD, CLEAR VOICE: Diane, I've... I've put soundproof glass across the stage.

LOUDER: Diane, I've put... I've put...

I've put soundproof glass across the stage!

SHOUTING: I've put soundproof...

TRAILING OFF: ..glass across the...

I don't really know how else to say it.

I've put I've put soundproof glass across the stage!

No, you haven't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought that was horseshit.

-RUSSELL:

-Two episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen!

Now, this is a little project I've been involved with.

It's called The Only Way Is Shakespeare.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A botched proposal and months of letting down

means Sharon and Elaine must murder their clown.

# One way or another I'm going to win you

# I'm going to get you get you, get you

# One way or another...#

But to kill him, mother, 'tis too much.

Nay! 'Tis not enough.

SHE CHUCKLES

To twice do away with him would down this double measure.

To resurrect him, for his own erections have pricked him thus.

Plus, in death his gaffes will pay for this Essex gaff

is insured in thy name!

He hath undone himself with his own oiled keys.

A backspace stuck down with spunk, thus deleting himself.

-DOOR CLOSES

-Hark! The tosser approaches.

Speak once more the plan.

These slapper mags will slap him hard down.

In boyish lust will he reach for 3D-specs so that tarts' floppers

slap-bang in his face!

So doodled by D cups he cannot draw breath?

Mmmm! Like a politician's expense - conceal thyself!

Ah, the day indeed! It's brighter than a savant child and...

Tits!

Ah! So many tits!

I'll pluck out mine eyes for areole do disrupt my pupils

so that no teacher could bring focus.

Oh! More tits than an office party!

Oh, now the slappers' bangers! They do smother me!

Ah, ghost tits - can I taste thy spectral nips?

Oh ho, man!

HE GASPS

The boner... it draws the blood from my lungs.

HE WHEEZES

I die! I die!

Chris Moyles' career!

In lust did he wank himself unconscious.

Look, even in death does his boner live on.

Bless.

He is deader than Jeremy Paxman's eyes.

Hashtag - gutted.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I see your nine and I raise you ten. Magic attack! Moshi monster.

Fuck! You're good at this!

-Give me them moshlings, baby!

-I'm out. I'm haemorrhaging shinies.

And for Jim.

What's that guy's deal?

I don't know. I'm thinking of getting rid of him.

Nice little hideaway you got here. Is it top secret?

Not really. Everybody knows about it. They just seem to keep their distance.

That's the way it should be, man. I've given up on trying to get on with my crew,

especially since Clara. Let me tell you something - do not shit where you eat.

-Did you sleep with her?

-Nah. Pooed myself in the canteen.

Clara told everyone.

So, you're a fan of Carmen Electra? More of a Pam Anderson man myself.

Yeah, I told Tom once I had sex with Carmen Electra and he believed me. BOTH LAUGH

You know I had sex with Pam Anderson.

-Yeah, I had sex with Carmen Electra.

-Nice.

Wonder what those two chumps are up to now.

Don't know. Doubt they're having as much fun as us.

JAUNTY ITALIAN OPERA MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

SLURPING

Now, for the kids on the street, their lives aren't complete

without access to our main man, Pete. It's Pete Swivel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday

happenings of a north London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.

Its name - the BYC. Its leader - Pete Swivel.

-Greg, what you got in your pockets?

-Nothing. Nothing.

All right, go on. What you...? Oi, oi, oi. Come here.

-You got to hide it better than that.

-SHE GROANS

'I'm running a Question Time style thing here this afternoon.

'I want these kids to know that their voices are important

'and should be heard, right.'

So I've created a forum where they can get whatever they feel

like off their chests without fear of judgment or limitation.

Right, everybody, the thing is...

All right, Trev, we've heard enough boring shit off you now.

There's no bent coppers round here. Just let it go.

Right, has anyone else got any questions?

-Yeah, I've got a question about the club.

-Yeah, brilliant. Fire away.

-Do you lot clean up around here?

-Yeah, of course.

-HE SCOFFS

Then why is the bogs like the one out of Trainspotting?

-OTHERS AGREE

-Well, it keeps the flies out the kitchen, doesn't it?

It's out of order. Can't even use the disabled cos it's your personal throne.

My back stiffens up in the mornings. I need the handle things to hold on to.

OTHERS GRUMBLE What about when that disabled kid came in here the other week?

He had to wait for you to finish.

He had an Arsenal sticker on his wheelchair.

He's lucky I didn't make him go in the bushes.

-So why are the activities round here so rubbish?

-Leave it out!

I bought you lot a ping-pong table last month.

Give me a break!

-We helped you take it out of the skip!

-Yeah!

And we're still waiting for bats.

Well, use your imagination then, Ty, you know? Or your hands.

It's Question Time not a bloody witch hunt.

I've had enough. Time for a few home truths, right.

-You lot...are fat bastards.

-What?

-It's true.

-I'm sorry, but...

All I see you doing is stuffing your faces with shit.

I mean, have a look. He's eating a burger and these two have got a large donner on the go.

What's going on here? That's why you've been spouting all this rubbish today, innit?

It's all this crap turning your brains to mush.

You all know my mate Gary who runs the marathons?

-ALL AGREE

-Right?

Well, he's on a diet of nothing but steamed veg and salad.

He's coming first in every race he enters.

Do you know why? It's cos he's got that winning, mental attitude.

Healthy body, healthy mind.

Didn't that guy try to kill himself?

He did, yeah.

I think the strict dieting triggered his depression, so...

Don't believe everything you hear. Right, Ellie?

-Yeah.

-Next up.

Is society still inherently racist?

Didn't you have one about the Thorpe Park entrance fees?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Love it.

Now, if you think a baguette is a small bag, prepare to get le sac!

-It's Marcel Lucont!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Salut!

Time for a titbit from my forthcoming autobiography, Moi,

part of which I am told is too explicit for broadcast.

So, chapter four, the loss of my virginity.

I hope you enjoy it.

HUSKILY: I know I did.

It was autumn 1993, in Montmartre, Paris.

"Paradis", read the sign in filthy but beautifully curved letters,

just as Father had described.

"Mimi," I enquired.

I think I may have stammered,

but when one is saying the name Mimi,

one can get away with such things.

It was not Mimi, and for this I was thankful.

There stood a woman of an indeterminate age.

Half-smoked roll-up cigarette hung from her frowning mouth.

Her hair, once perhaps cascading in carefully teased ringlets,

had now taken on an entirely more pubic nature.

And there was no doubt she had seen more cocks

than an Alsace chicken farmer.

She led me down the corridor.

The gloomy wallpaper trying its best to escape from the walls

and largely succeeding.

The floorboards beneath her heavy frame squeaking

like an over-exuberant gay.

The madam rapped a fat knuckle on the door, grunted,

pushed me forward and trudged back to her menopause.

And now, here stood Mimi.

Beautiful, pale complexion,

hair luxurious chocolate brown, large, doughy, come-to-bed...

tits.

The boudoir strewn with petals, created an intoxicating aroma.

To this day, even the sight of so many flowers sends me back

and plays wonders with my senses.

I believe this is why I get aroused at funerals.

I hope this is why.

She beckoned me in with an innocent smile,

which belied her experience, which I was about to discover.

SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC FADES INTO FAST ACID JAZZ

Seven hours later...

I left the establishment a man.

And five years later, I returned to look for Mimi,

hoping I may receive a loyalty discount.

But, in place of Paradis, was a whitewashed building,

soulless, sexless, sanitized.

An estate agency.

I walked away, disappointed,

yet somehow content in the knowledge that,

although Paradis was gone,

persons were still going to that building

on a daily basis to be fucked in exchange for money.

My name is Ivy Macabre.

I have summoned demons from the ashes of hell

and I have walked in the fiery footsteps of Lucifer himself.

This is my brother, Maurice.

I ate my hamster.

Since leaving the circus, we've been living in this house all on our own.

Our parents died, tragically locked in the hall of mirrors.

The cause of the fire was never discovered.

We were born with very special gifts.

I can fly!

We also have psychic abilities.

We can channel the spirits who have passed onto the other side.

HE WHEEZES

That's his asthma.

This is our pet. His name is Kruger.

He's always asleep.

SCREAMING AND BANGING BEHIND DOOR Why?!

Um, don't worry about that. It's just the boiler...

A very large donkey.

A very large donkey.

In the boiler.

Definitely not somebody inside that we're going to kill in a minute.

We're just like any other brother and sister really.

GUNSHOT

It wasn't me.

-ONSTAGE:

-The Twins Macabre!

I feel a desperate urge for cabaret.

Dimly-lit rooms, intimate candlelit settings

and a complete disregard for fire regulations.

Sate me now, lord of the cabaret!

It's East End Cabaret!

Hello, darlings, hello, hello!

I am Miss Bernadette Burn

and this is my pet weirdo behind the bush, Victor Victoria.

It will all make sense in a minute.

Now, darlings, we need to ask you a very personal question, OK?

We want you to answer honestly, openly.

Just shout it out into the room.

Darlings, have you touched yourselves today?

GIGGLING / NO-ONE ANSWERS

-No-one?!

-Really, really?

-Not a single person?

My God, Victor, it's worse than I thought!

Normally, we get at least one creepy guy at the back going, "Yes!"

Darlings!

It is so important, so important that you take the time

out of your crazy, busy, stressful day to just have a fiddle.

OK, no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing,

when you feel that beautiful urge,

you just have to play with yourselves, darlings.

DARK ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, yes, especially you!

# Walking through the bushes and a twig goes snap

# Snap!

# Night is getting darker but it's not time to nap

# Don't nap!

# You don't know who's watching

# But you know that it's part of the thrill

# Danger wank!

# Danger wank! Uh-ohhh!

# Danger wank!

# Oh ye-es! Danger wank

# Afternoon screening in the cinema

# The cinema

# No-one else around you, just an old grandma

# Hey, grandma!

# She's three rows away and the film has started to play

# Danger wank!

# It's a thrill!

# Danger wank!

# Lots of explosions!

# Danger wank!

# Uh-oh!

# Danger wa-a-a-ank!

# Bang!

# Bus is stuck in traffic and you can't get off

# Oh, yes, you can

# Sweaty people push you and that guy has got a cough

# Don't think about it

# Just put your paper on your lap now and don't look them in the eyes!

# Danger wank!

# Embarrassed...

# Danger wank!

-# That you unzipped your fly!

-Danger wank!

# From nine to five you've had a bad day at work

# What?

# You're feeling stressed out and your boss is a jerk

# Your boss is a jerk

# This is what you should do - put your hands down your pants

# Wait till he's watching then do a little hand dance

# Chokin' the chicken

# In the back of the bus

# Bashin' the bishop

# It's time to relax

# Spanking the monkey

# Between the shadows in the alley!

# Flicking the bean

# At Starbucks!

# Fluffin' the hamster

# Greasing the gherkin

# Fluffing the muffin

# Massaging the kebab!

# In public!

# Danger wank! #

Thank you, darlings!

We have been East End Cabaret and we will see you at the bar!

Oh!

So, that is the end of the show.

If you need even more extra special bits go to....

But from me and the electrolytes, goodbye!

Listen, Tom, please don't take this the wrong way,

but...I managed to switch the rotas.

I'm going to be working with Jim in studio eight.

Oh, that is such a relief!

I was going to say the same thing.

I'm going to be working with Jim too.

The cool one, obviously, not the massive lanky dork.

Right, well, I guess this is goodbye.

Hasta la vista, buttface!

Just going to fix the scaffolding.

Shit! I didn't fix that circuit...

See you on Monday, newbie.