Episode 6 Live at the Electric

This programme contains strong language

Welcome to the studio tour. Through there is the green room, so-called

because the acts go green with nerves.

-Allow pause...allow pause for chuckle.

-John, turn around.

-I saw you wearing that earlier.

-Oh...well, did it scare you?

-Not really, you fell down the stairs.

-You saw that?

Why didn't you help me? I only just got my leg out of the banister.

Well, it's your tour group that are going to be screaming for help, when they see this!

-Ring-ding-ding-ding, ring!

-Is that a whisk?

-Yeah, for your brains!

I'd feel very threatened if you were near a plug.

Well, very, very threatened... HE HISSES

-What is this? Why are you trying to ruin my tour?

-Ruin?

I'm trying to help it. Ever been to London Dungeons?

Yeah, with those weirdos in fancy dress.

Scare artists, yes, of which I am one.

Just left the dungeons, actually. It really started to fuck with my head.

Plus, I accidentally punched a girl.

-I think I read about that.

-It's possible.

Anyway, I'm just trialling out a new character.

Introducing...Toxic Angel!

Please, Tom, don't.

My evaluation is today. So far, I've only got one really good joke.

It's about BBC bureaucracy.

Anyone feel like there's too much red tape? Three whole rolls!

Oh, my God!

There's only one thing that's going to stink worse than that joke...

toxic waste!

-Have you actually farted?

-Yes.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Live At The Electric!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We've shipped the beasts of buffoonery from the three

continents of comedy, sketch, character and stand-up,

to create our very own Zaney Zoo.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I am the master of this menagerie.

You're grinning baboon host,

defecating hefty chunks of hilarity into my curled paw,

then flinging it at your faces.

HE IMPERSONATES A MONKEY

LAUGHTER

Now, why am I here? I do lots of stand-up about my dad.

You often get criticised for doing too much about your dad,

"That's all he talks about is his dad."

I've got a strong relationship with the bastard!

I think it's time to talk a little bit about my mum.

A new character to be welcomed to the stage, someone that looks like me, sounds like me.

As opposed to my dad, who's six foot tall, blonde, curly hair,

body builder and manly.

-HE GIGGLES

-Glittery question, Ma, Papa!

LAUGHTER

My mum...I look too much like my mum.

Is there anyone in the room who looks too much like one parent,

so that it's a bit creepy?

It's even worse when it's the opposite gender parent.

No little boy wants to look like a woman!

LAUGHTER

I can see it's worse for girls when you look like your dads.

I know that's worse!

Here come the twins, one's old with a penis.

LAUGHTER

But my mum's brilliant.

We've got the same energy, spring out of bed after six hours' sleep,

make lists, clean, clean, clean...

..clean until you're through to the magma.

LAUGHTER

In fact, the only time when we ever fall out is anything to do

with teaching my mum technology or her not understanding technology.

The five bars conversation...I've gone through three phones,

through throwing them at the wall because of the five bars.

"'I've got five bars." "I've got five bars as well."

One of you is lying...yeah?

LAUGHTER

I've got five bars. No, you haven't!

You can't have five bars cos I've got five bars

and all I can hear is...eh-oh-eh-oh-eh-oh.

The only thing worse is the time difference. What is it?

I don't know what's in a mum's brain

but she cannot get her head around time difference.

"If you're three hours ahead, what time is it there?"

It's midday, have a guess, Mum.

What's that plus three?

"I don't know".

The most irritating one was Australia.

Australia, 12 hours difference, yeah.

You just change the AM to a PM. A toddler could work it out, mum!

It's midday here, so it's midnight at home.

"Right..."

LAUGHTER

So, if I call you in three hours will you be up?

LAUGHTER

No...in three hours' time!

You all know people that have moved to Australia.

Who's got friends or family that have moved to Australia?

Now, British people, it makes me laugh,

they go on their gap years in their teens, "Australia was so amazing!

"Sod this, this country's just a waste of time!

"It's economically bankrupt, the weather's horrible, I'm going to move to Australia.

-"See you later, England, you stink!"

-LAUGHTER

We stay here. How long is it?

Two, three, four, five years before you get that phone call,

"I just want to come home."

LAUGHTER

"It's so boring. Everyone's so happy, everything's so perfect.

"I've not seen a dog shit for weeks!"

LAUGHTER

It is not in your DNA to be happy.

It's not in your DNA, United Kingdom, to be bathed in sunshine.

We're not cut out for it. It's even worse when people move to America.

"Have a nice day." You don't know anything about my life, mate. I'm going to kick your teeth out, yeah!?

LAUGHTER

"You have a nice day now."

I'm surprised the phrase "have a shit day" hasn't started in England.

LAUGHTER

It's just too happy for us in Australia, we don't like it,

we're not cut out for that level of happiness.

Mind you, has anyone ever been out with an Australian girl or an American girl

or an American man or an Australian guy?

They're fun to go out with.

Australian girls in bed are brilliant!

"Yeah, that's so flaming bonzer! Oh, that's flaming bonzer, don't stop!

"That's so flaming bonz..." You know how they finish, don't you?

IMPERSONATES DIDGERIDOO

APPLAUSE

Now, if political correctness meant a day working with these guys,

I'd dropkick a puppy just to show off my soft side.

Make way for the Electric's resident political thriller,

it's WitTank, The Situation Room.

APPLAUSE

Prime Minister, this is a very real nuclear threat.

They're bluffing.

They have missiles targeting every major

city around the world, we can't take that chance.

They won't blow up the world, it would be madness!

We need a decision now, sir!

-We give them what they want.

-Sir!

Anything. Understood?

Bring up the video link.

-Hello.

-This is the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

I urge you, stop this madness.

Nobody has to die.

-We will give you what you want.

-Anything?

-Anything.

-OK.

Demobilise your troops, immediately.

-Done.

-Relinquish control of our territory.

-Fine. Is that all?

-Yes.

-Actually, there is one more thing.

-What?

You sing "Believe" by Cher for me now.

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Cher, "Believe", now!

-I'm not doing that.

-Engage missiles!

# Do you believe in life after love...#

Do it properly.

# Do you believe in life after love?

Yeah, work it.

# I can feel something inside me say

# I really don't think you're strong enough, wow!

Enough!

Very good.

Thank you.

Like I said, anything in the name of peace.

Now, for me, you sing "Summer of '69".

Bryan Adams?

Fuck off!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WitTank!

OK, well, our next act is such a ladies' man, his photo has to

be printed on sponge to soak up the tsunami of feminine drool.

It's the premier product of the Costa Del Macho, esta Antonio!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hola, muchachos!

It's me, Antonio, seduction expert, master love-maker

and vilified physiotherapist.

I am world famous for my ferocious love-making skills.

What can I say?

I have a very, very talented penis.

HE GROANS

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Here, that's for you.

AUDIENCE GROAN

You might want to wash your hands.

Being impressively arrogant, I can deal with any situation.

You see, every now and again in life, you're going

to be forced into a difficult position.

And I'm not talking about the reverse cowgirl.

LAUGHTER

So, tonight, I'm going

to show you a foolproof method to resolve any conflict, OK?

Me, I'm like Gandhi, except I'm not a skinny little bitch!

LAUGHTER

But I'm not just going to tell you how to resolve conflict,

I'm going to show you. Look at this couple arguing.

They need someone to help them resolve their conflict.

Plus, she's pretty hot, so I'm going in.

LAUGHTER

We have to carefully get their attention, OK?

Me, I like to throw a massive ham into the situation.

HE GRUNTS

Yes!

You see, when you're arguing

and suddenly a pound of ham hits the floor, you stop being angry

and you start being all, "Fuck me, it's a giant ham!"

LAUGHTER

Now that we've got control of the situation,

we have to separate the conflicting parties, OK,

but make sure you treat them both equally, OK?

Hey, baby! Hey, come over here.

Yes, nice. Fuck you!

LAUGHTER

You look gorgeous. Can I get you a beverage? Here you go.

Hey, lovely, have a drink, yes.

Don't worry, you can have one as well...mmm.

LAUGHTER

Asshole...mmm.

LAUGHTER

I think he's had a bit too much to drink.

That's probably the cause of all your problems in your terrible,

terrible relationship.

HE GRUNTS

I think, at last, we have found the problem of their conflict.

So now, what do we do? We resolve it...

..with a cattle prod.

Just one for luck...excellent.

LAUGHTER

Problem resolved!

And I'm pretty sure it's pissed itself.

LAUGHTER

Now, eat your ham.

Later, make some bacon...mmm.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Antonio, ladies and gentlemen.

Time to go and check on the Bullsmoor Youth Club to see the man

entrusted with the future of our youth - it's Pete Swivel!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

REPORTER: In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday

happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.

Its name, the BYC. Its leader, Pete Swivel.

I don't care what you've seen outside Chicken Cottage,

all right, this ain't some kind of laugh.

I run knife awareness courses every couple of months and they are,

without doubt, the most important thing I do here at the BYC,

hands down!

Unless there's Champions League on and then I just scrap it.

But, yeah, violent crime's a problem in the area

but you've got to think why these kids are doing it.

Right, I have kids come to me every day here that are bored

and frustrated, no-one listens to them.

Not the police, their parents, the Government

and that's why my job is so important.

I mean, I have little Darren come to me and say on Friday night,

he got his mate's dog and wanked it off!

LAUGHTER

Obviously, my first question was, "Why on earth did you do that?"

He said, "Pete, it looked like he had the hump."

But my point is, they know they can come to me in the strictest

confidence and I'll zip my mouth up and throw away the key.

All knife attacks have one thing in common, knives.

LAUGHTER

Right, and jealousy is the number one trigger.

Right, there's sexual jealousy.

For example, well...like, Jane,

you've potentially got a motive to attack Keisha cos she's got

a picture of your boyfriend on her phone.

-He's chatting shit.

-You fucking serious?

-No, he's joking.

Right, a naughty one, with all his plums hanging out.

Swear down, you've asked for it, I'll fucking rip your weave out!

I was expecting tension, yeah.

Jealousy's a touchy subject but my philosophy is,

if you come face-to-face with the green-eyed monster,

you don't back down.

No, you stab him up.

I'm telling you now...

Right, yeah, there's material jealousy as well.

For example, Tony,

it's no surprise those Jay-Z head phones went

missing from your bag the other week

and then I see Mike warming his ears with a pair over the park.

-You steal my beats, bruv!?

-You knew it was my birthday the other week!

ARGUMENTS DESCEND INTO CHAOS

I had to do something!

THEY SHOUT

Right, listen! Just calm down, will you?

Just shut up, will you?!

Darren wanks off Antony's dog!

LAUGHTER

They do say, "A problem shared is a problem halved."

I just hope, for Darren's sake, a problem tweeted is a problem solved!

Cos this thing's trending now.

LAUGHTER

SHOUTING

Well, at least there's no helicopters about.

So, turned out better than the last one.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Pete Swivel!

Now, it's time for a woman

so difficult she won't even make time to boil your bunny.

Please welcome America's favourite bunny microwaver,

it's Loretta Maine!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Woohoo! Hi!

Hi, they're hearing.

Just going to do a quick sound check.

# Someone's going to die tonight! #

Can you hear that? Is that loud enough? Is that OK?

Erm, hi.

I'm from the US, erm, but I live in the UK now

because they said I should go somewhere with tighter gun control.

Erm, and I'm really enjoying meeting British people

and I'd like to dedicate this song to, erm,

all the British men that I've loved and lost since I arrived here...

on Friday.

LAUGHTER

# My love is like a box, it's big and open

# And inside you know you want to climb

# But if you find someone like you to share the space

# My box can be sublime

# But love is like a box

# It does fold easily

# And suddenly it's not quite what it seems

# And if our love should ever fold

# I'll shut you up in that box

# And I'll tape it up so you can never go

# And it won't be with weak Sellotape

# And it won't be with weak masking tape

# It will be with branding duct tape

# Yeah, I'm going to tape you in

# And I'll reinforce the corners so you can't kick it in

# Never leave me, yeah

# You like sunshine

# And never leave me

# If you like fresh air

# And never leave me

# If you like living

# And never leave me, if you...

# Like your heart beating

# Cos my love is like a box, it's decomposable

# And it can disappear without a trace

# And if you keep on trying

# To escape from that box

# I'll throw you in the Thames

# And watch you slowly drown

# And when they finally fish you out

# They won't be able to identify who you are

# So they'll bury you in a cardboard coffin

# At least you'll feel at home

APPLAUSE

# My love is like a box

# It's big and open

# Come on in. #

Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! Never get a joint mortgage with anyone!

LAUGHTER

Although, I think I've got quite enough red tape already.

Now, moving on, the green...

HISSING

What was that?

Nothing. Erm, through there is the green room, which is...

Toxic Angel.

..which is full of sick.

The acts go green while the nerves, well, before they're nervous.

-Is that child OK?

-What child?

-CHILD SOBS

-Yes, he's fine.

Just ignore him. Now over here is where Russell...

He sounds really upset.

You OK, little guy?

HE HISSES

-Aww! He bit me.

-Ishmael, what are you doing?

I'm so sorry, sir.

Woooooo!

Can anybody help me?

I've escaped from a mental asylum...for killing a human man.

Tom, this has gone too far.

-Ishmael just bit this lovely gentleman's hand.

-I saw that.

Look, guys, I'm afraid the rules are, if you touch the scare artists,

they are allowed to fight back.

Just fuck off!

HE GRUNTS

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to the make-up department. My name's Linda.

Where are you from?

-Roubaix in France.

-Oh, we have a French speaker in the room!

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I am actually fluent in zee French.

My name is Linda and I work in the make-up room.

Is somebody over-tired and needs a nap?

We can have chocolate biscuits later.

Look how happy he is!

Did you do a wee-wee in your knickers, sweetie?

-SHE WHISPERS:

-Is that why you're so quiet?

Come on, let me get those knickers.

-No, no, no...

-Come on, they're nice.

Marcel's done a wee-wee in his knickers on the make-up chair.

We've got a poo in the make-up room.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-My name is Linda and I work in ze make-up room!

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I don't think he speaks the French.

Now, let's digress from our progress with a recess.

It's just part of the progress, you know this!

See you after the break.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can I make my hair as heavy as cement, without ruining my look?

Now I can, thanks to new "Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement Shampoo".

"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" tackles dry hair, dandruff

and split-ends, as well as making my hair as heavy as cement.

In just 15 minutes, your hair will be as heavy as cement.

I tried to make my hair as heavy as cement

and already my hair's starting to feel as heavy as cement.

Now my hair's so heavy I can't lift up my head.

And now new, heavier "Sheet Metal".

LAUGHTER

"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" and now new "Sheet Metal".

Now, you can have heavy hair without compromising your look.

Wash your hair heavy today!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

And now, a Frenchman

so supportive of his countrywomen he refuses to trim his own pubic hair.

It's Marcel Lucont!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

Bonsoir.

For you now, an extract from my exquisite autobiography, "Moi".

Concerning my first visit to England

on a school exchange.

Which promised to us a rich, cultural experience which would

alter our view of the British, as repressed, thuggish, simpletons.

LAUGHTER

The coach pulled into Coventry.

LAUGHTER

I emerged drowsy and agitated, having been made to sit by Maurice.

Like me, on his final warning at school.

Him, for farting a surprising

substantial amount of La Marseillaise...

LAUGHTER

..me, for smoking and coarse language,

while fucking the philosophy teacher.

LAUGHTER

During this long trip,

Maurice had discovered that he could fellate himself.

A trick he unveiled via the back window, causing a lorry to crash.

LAUGHTER

For a country termed by Napoleon, "a nation of shopkeepers",

we were, naturally, bemused to find all of England's shops were shit.

LAUGHTER

By day three, naturally,

I had attracted the attention of an English girl, Helen.

The locations for our romantic encounters included cinemas,

cemeteries and swimming pools,

where I learned the phrase "heavy petting".

LAUGHTER

My father told me always that "heavy petting"

was what had killed my hamster.

LAUGHTER

The school had organised for us a discotheque on the final night.

We knew our small stash of alcohol would temper the lurid, fizzy,

red piss we received in bottles, which the

English boys attempted to convince us contained traces of panda.

LAUGHTER

In the toilets, however, I managed to obtain some speed from Gary.

Ironically, the slowest boy in the class.

Because of this, I soon misplaced Helen.

My search led me to the biology cupboard,

where I found Helen, alas, not alone.

She looked up at me with sheepish eyes,

next to where they kept the sheep's eyes.

LAUGHTER

But, like the sheep's heart in biology class,

mine was torn in two as I found her there semi-nude...

with Maurice.

Finally, he had found someone to do the job for him.

LAUGHTER

I learnt many English swear words that night, including

"go fuck yourself!"... An action I made sure Maurice was unable to

practise for many weeks to follow.

APPLAUSE

Goodbye.

CHEERING

In the last instalment Dave shagged Sharon's mum.

It makes no difference, it was an accident done.

-Like herpes he returns.

-Itch not, mother.

Useless shit! Rodding action shittier than a Diana Rod's rod.

Draining mother's quim of its dignity.

May the gods pass over the trespasses done to my fuper.

Look, ask ye if I'm serious.

Then, for the grasp of thy Essex claw, present I this.

Engagement!

-Not quite engagement but...

-Not quite? Div thou.

What means thou "not quite", wank-air!?

Sweet Harry and I have co-invented a pre-engagement ring, upon which the

magic of cubic zirconia sparkles

with the promise of what might follow.

Perhaps, here after, maybe...

Engaged to be engaged. Ta-da!

Thou whitened dog turd thou!

Aye, thou bit of shit left in the tread of a caterpillar boot!

Engaged to be engaged, spiceless drumstick!

Why not serve me an empty KFC carton and be pretend it's zinger?

Lemon-white mo-fo!

Peck no more at my womanhood.

My final, paltry attempt to build a tower burger

from the breadcrumb of my sin.

My chips are gambled and served, salted in the wounds of lost love.

I shall flee the family bucket of these birds!

It is me who has become a chicken.

LAUGHTER

Cock!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you but that is the end of the show.

If we've left you wanting more, after the show head straight to...

Or if you're scared of technology, scratch out extra sketches

on some crude bits of slate and then just move them really quickly.

From me and the Electrolytes, goodbye!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for being so understanding, it won't happen again.

I just spoke to the guy, luckily he says he still enjoyed the tour.

-So, fingers crossed they'll be keeping it.

-Who, that guy?

He wasn't evaluating you.

-What?

-No, he's just a huge fan of the show.

He's fucking weird if you ask me.

I think he might genuinely be from a mental asylum.

So, who was evaluating you, Tom?

-I don't know.

-It was me.

You'll be hearing from me in due course.

Such a freak!

Tell me something I don't know.

-What are you going to do about that girl you punched?

-What girl?

The girl on the tour.

Tom, there was no girl on the tour.

Just joking, she's suing me. See you on Monday, newbie.

Igor!

HE HISSES