Episode 6 Live at the Electric


Episode 6

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Welcome to the studio tour. Through there is the green room, so-called

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because the acts go green with nerves.

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-Allow pause...allow pause for chuckle.

-John, turn around.

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-I saw you wearing that earlier.

-Oh...well, did it scare you?

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-Not really, you fell down the stairs.

-You saw that?

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Why didn't you help me? I only just got my leg out of the banister.

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Well, it's your tour group that are going to be screaming for help, when they see this!

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-Ring-ding-ding-ding, ring!

-Is that a whisk?

-Yeah, for your brains!

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I'd feel very threatened if you were near a plug.

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Well, very, very threatened... HE HISSES

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-What is this? Why are you trying to ruin my tour?

-Ruin?

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I'm trying to help it. Ever been to London Dungeons?

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Yeah, with those weirdos in fancy dress.

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Scare artists, yes, of which I am one.

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Just left the dungeons, actually. It really started to fuck with my head.

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Plus, I accidentally punched a girl.

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-I think I read about that.

-It's possible.

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Anyway, I'm just trialling out a new character.

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Introducing...Toxic Angel!

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Please, Tom, don't.

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My evaluation is today. So far, I've only got one really good joke.

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It's about BBC bureaucracy.

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Anyone feel like there's too much red tape? Three whole rolls!

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Oh, my God!

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There's only one thing that's going to stink worse than that joke...

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toxic waste!

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-Have you actually farted?

-Yes.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Live At The Electric!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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We've shipped the beasts of buffoonery from the three

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continents of comedy, sketch, character and stand-up,

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to create our very own Zaney Zoo.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, I am the master of this menagerie.

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You're grinning baboon host,

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defecating hefty chunks of hilarity into my curled paw,

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then flinging it at your faces.

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HE IMPERSONATES A MONKEY

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LAUGHTER

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Now, why am I here? I do lots of stand-up about my dad.

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You often get criticised for doing too much about your dad,

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"That's all he talks about is his dad."

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I've got a strong relationship with the bastard!

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I think it's time to talk a little bit about my mum.

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A new character to be welcomed to the stage, someone that looks like me, sounds like me.

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As opposed to my dad, who's six foot tall, blonde, curly hair,

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body builder and manly.

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-HE GIGGLES

-Glittery question, Ma, Papa!

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LAUGHTER

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My mum...I look too much like my mum.

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Is there anyone in the room who looks too much like one parent,

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so that it's a bit creepy?

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It's even worse when it's the opposite gender parent.

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No little boy wants to look like a woman!

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LAUGHTER

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I can see it's worse for girls when you look like your dads.

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I know that's worse!

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Here come the twins, one's old with a penis.

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LAUGHTER

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But my mum's brilliant.

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We've got the same energy, spring out of bed after six hours' sleep,

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make lists, clean, clean, clean...

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..clean until you're through to the magma.

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LAUGHTER

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In fact, the only time when we ever fall out is anything to do

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with teaching my mum technology or her not understanding technology.

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The five bars conversation...I've gone through three phones,

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through throwing them at the wall because of the five bars.

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"'I've got five bars." "I've got five bars as well."

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One of you is lying...yeah?

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LAUGHTER

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I've got five bars. No, you haven't!

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You can't have five bars cos I've got five bars

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and all I can hear is...eh-oh-eh-oh-eh-oh.

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The only thing worse is the time difference. What is it?

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I don't know what's in a mum's brain

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but she cannot get her head around time difference.

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"If you're three hours ahead, what time is it there?"

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It's midday, have a guess, Mum.

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What's that plus three?

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"I don't know".

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The most irritating one was Australia.

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Australia, 12 hours difference, yeah.

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You just change the AM to a PM. A toddler could work it out, mum!

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It's midday here, so it's midnight at home.

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"Right..."

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LAUGHTER

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So, if I call you in three hours will you be up?

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LAUGHTER

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No...in three hours' time!

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You all know people that have moved to Australia.

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Who's got friends or family that have moved to Australia?

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Now, British people, it makes me laugh,

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they go on their gap years in their teens, "Australia was so amazing!

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"Sod this, this country's just a waste of time!

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"It's economically bankrupt, the weather's horrible, I'm going to move to Australia.

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-"See you later, England, you stink!"

-LAUGHTER

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We stay here. How long is it?

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Two, three, four, five years before you get that phone call,

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"I just want to come home."

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LAUGHTER

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"It's so boring. Everyone's so happy, everything's so perfect.

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"I've not seen a dog shit for weeks!"

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LAUGHTER

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It is not in your DNA to be happy.

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It's not in your DNA, United Kingdom, to be bathed in sunshine.

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We're not cut out for it. It's even worse when people move to America.

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"Have a nice day." You don't know anything about my life, mate. I'm going to kick your teeth out, yeah!?

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LAUGHTER

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"You have a nice day now."

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I'm surprised the phrase "have a shit day" hasn't started in England.

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LAUGHTER

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It's just too happy for us in Australia, we don't like it,

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we're not cut out for that level of happiness.

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Mind you, has anyone ever been out with an Australian girl or an American girl

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or an American man or an Australian guy?

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They're fun to go out with.

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Australian girls in bed are brilliant!

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"Yeah, that's so flaming bonzer! Oh, that's flaming bonzer, don't stop!

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"That's so flaming bonz..." You know how they finish, don't you?

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IMPERSONATES DIDGERIDOO

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APPLAUSE

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Now, if political correctness meant a day working with these guys,

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I'd dropkick a puppy just to show off my soft side.

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Make way for the Electric's resident political thriller,

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it's WitTank, The Situation Room.

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APPLAUSE

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Prime Minister, this is a very real nuclear threat.

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They're bluffing.

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They have missiles targeting every major

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city around the world, we can't take that chance.

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They won't blow up the world, it would be madness!

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We need a decision now, sir!

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-We give them what they want.

-Sir!

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Anything. Understood?

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Bring up the video link.

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-Hello.

-This is the Prime Minister of Great Britain.

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I urge you, stop this madness.

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Nobody has to die.

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-We will give you what you want.

-Anything?

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-Anything.

-OK.

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Demobilise your troops, immediately.

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-Done.

-Relinquish control of our territory.

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-Fine. Is that all?

-Yes.

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-Actually, there is one more thing.

-What?

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You sing "Believe" by Cher for me now.

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LAUGHTER

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-What?

-Cher, "Believe", now!

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-I'm not doing that.

-Engage missiles!

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# Do you believe in life after love...#

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Do it properly.

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# Do you believe in life after love?

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Yeah, work it.

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# I can feel something inside me say

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# I really don't think you're strong enough, wow!

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Enough!

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Very good.

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Thank you.

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Like I said, anything in the name of peace.

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Now, for me, you sing "Summer of '69".

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Bryan Adams?

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Fuck off!

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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WitTank!

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OK, well, our next act is such a ladies' man, his photo has to

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be printed on sponge to soak up the tsunami of feminine drool.

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It's the premier product of the Costa Del Macho, esta Antonio!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hola, muchachos!

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It's me, Antonio, seduction expert, master love-maker

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and vilified physiotherapist.

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I am world famous for my ferocious love-making skills.

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What can I say?

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I have a very, very talented penis.

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HE GROANS

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CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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Here, that's for you.

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AUDIENCE GROAN

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You might want to wash your hands.

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Being impressively arrogant, I can deal with any situation.

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You see, every now and again in life, you're going

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to be forced into a difficult position.

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And I'm not talking about the reverse cowgirl.

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LAUGHTER

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So, tonight, I'm going

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to show you a foolproof method to resolve any conflict, OK?

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Me, I'm like Gandhi, except I'm not a skinny little bitch!

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LAUGHTER

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But I'm not just going to tell you how to resolve conflict,

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I'm going to show you. Look at this couple arguing.

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They need someone to help them resolve their conflict.

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Plus, she's pretty hot, so I'm going in.

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LAUGHTER

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We have to carefully get their attention, OK?

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Me, I like to throw a massive ham into the situation.

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HE GRUNTS

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Yes!

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You see, when you're arguing

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and suddenly a pound of ham hits the floor, you stop being angry

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and you start being all, "Fuck me, it's a giant ham!"

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LAUGHTER

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Now that we've got control of the situation,

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we have to separate the conflicting parties, OK,

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but make sure you treat them both equally, OK?

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Hey, baby! Hey, come over here.

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Yes, nice. Fuck you!

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LAUGHTER

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You look gorgeous. Can I get you a beverage? Here you go.

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Hey, lovely, have a drink, yes.

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Don't worry, you can have one as well...mmm.

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LAUGHTER

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Asshole...mmm.

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LAUGHTER

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I think he's had a bit too much to drink.

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That's probably the cause of all your problems in your terrible,

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terrible relationship.

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HE GRUNTS

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I think, at last, we have found the problem of their conflict.

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So now, what do we do? We resolve it...

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..with a cattle prod.

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Just one for luck...excellent.

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LAUGHTER

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Problem resolved!

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And I'm pretty sure it's pissed itself.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, eat your ham.

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Later, make some bacon...mmm.

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Thank you.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Antonio, ladies and gentlemen.

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Time to go and check on the Bullsmoor Youth Club to see the man

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entrusted with the future of our youth - it's Pete Swivel!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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REPORTER: In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday

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happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.

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Its name, the BYC. Its leader, Pete Swivel.

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I don't care what you've seen outside Chicken Cottage,

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all right, this ain't some kind of laugh.

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I run knife awareness courses every couple of months and they are,

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without doubt, the most important thing I do here at the BYC,

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hands down!

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Unless there's Champions League on and then I just scrap it.

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But, yeah, violent crime's a problem in the area

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but you've got to think why these kids are doing it.

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Right, I have kids come to me every day here that are bored

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and frustrated, no-one listens to them.

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Not the police, their parents, the Government

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and that's why my job is so important.

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I mean, I have little Darren come to me and say on Friday night,

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he got his mate's dog and wanked it off!

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LAUGHTER

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Obviously, my first question was, "Why on earth did you do that?"

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He said, "Pete, it looked like he had the hump."

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But my point is, they know they can come to me in the strictest

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confidence and I'll zip my mouth up and throw away the key.

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All knife attacks have one thing in common, knives.

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LAUGHTER

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Right, and jealousy is the number one trigger.

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Right, there's sexual jealousy.

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For example, well...like, Jane,

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you've potentially got a motive to attack Keisha cos she's got

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a picture of your boyfriend on her phone.

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-He's chatting shit.

-You fucking serious?

-No, he's joking.

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Right, a naughty one, with all his plums hanging out.

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Swear down, you've asked for it, I'll fucking rip your weave out!

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I was expecting tension, yeah.

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Jealousy's a touchy subject but my philosophy is,

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if you come face-to-face with the green-eyed monster,

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you don't back down.

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No, you stab him up.

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I'm telling you now...

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Right, yeah, there's material jealousy as well.

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For example, Tony,

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it's no surprise those Jay-Z head phones went

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missing from your bag the other week

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and then I see Mike warming his ears with a pair over the park.

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-You steal my beats, bruv!?

-You knew it was my birthday the other week!

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ARGUMENTS DESCEND INTO CHAOS

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I had to do something!

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THEY SHOUT

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Right, listen! Just calm down, will you?

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Just shut up, will you?!

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Darren wanks off Antony's dog!

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LAUGHTER

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They do say, "A problem shared is a problem halved."

0:13:560:13:59

I just hope, for Darren's sake, a problem tweeted is a problem solved!

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Cos this thing's trending now.

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LAUGHTER

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SHOUTING

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Well, at least there's no helicopters about.

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So, turned out better than the last one.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Pete Swivel!

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Now, it's time for a woman

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so difficult she won't even make time to boil your bunny.

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Please welcome America's favourite bunny microwaver,

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it's Loretta Maine!

0:14:310:14:33

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Woohoo! Hi!

0:14:390:14:42

Hi, they're hearing.

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Just going to do a quick sound check.

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# Someone's going to die tonight! #

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Can you hear that? Is that loud enough? Is that OK?

0:14:490:14:52

Erm, hi.

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I'm from the US, erm, but I live in the UK now

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because they said I should go somewhere with tighter gun control.

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Erm, and I'm really enjoying meeting British people

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and I'd like to dedicate this song to, erm,

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all the British men that I've loved and lost since I arrived here...

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on Friday.

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LAUGHTER

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# My love is like a box, it's big and open

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# And inside you know you want to climb

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# But if you find someone like you to share the space

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# My box can be sublime

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# But love is like a box

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# It does fold easily

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# And suddenly it's not quite what it seems

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# And if our love should ever fold

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# I'll shut you up in that box

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# And I'll tape it up so you can never go

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# And it won't be with weak Sellotape

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# And it won't be with weak masking tape

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# It will be with branding duct tape

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# Yeah, I'm going to tape you in

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# And I'll reinforce the corners so you can't kick it in

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# Never leave me, yeah

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# You like sunshine

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# And never leave me

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# If you like fresh air

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# And never leave me

0:16:350:16:39

# If you like living

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# And never leave me, if you...

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# Like your heart beating

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# Cos my love is like a box, it's decomposable

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# And it can disappear without a trace

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# And if you keep on trying

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# To escape from that box

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# I'll throw you in the Thames

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# And watch you slowly drown

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# And when they finally fish you out

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# They won't be able to identify who you are

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# So they'll bury you in a cardboard coffin

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# At least you'll feel at home

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APPLAUSE

0:17:270:17:29

# My love is like a box

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# It's big and open

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# Come on in. #

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Bye.

0:17:400:17:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:420:17:45

Wow! Never get a joint mortgage with anyone!

0:17:510:17:55

LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:57

Although, I think I've got quite enough red tape already.

0:17:570:17:59

Now, moving on, the green...

0:18:010:18:04

HISSING

0:18:040:18:05

What was that?

0:18:050:18:07

Nothing. Erm, through there is the green room, which is...

0:18:070:18:11

Toxic Angel.

0:18:110:18:12

..which is full of sick.

0:18:120:18:14

The acts go green while the nerves, well, before they're nervous.

0:18:140:18:18

-Is that child OK?

-What child?

0:18:180:18:21

-CHILD SOBS

-Yes, he's fine.

0:18:210:18:23

Just ignore him. Now over here is where Russell...

0:18:230:18:26

He sounds really upset.

0:18:260:18:27

You OK, little guy?

0:18:270:18:29

HE HISSES

0:18:290:18:30

-Aww! He bit me.

-Ishmael, what are you doing?

0:18:300:18:32

I'm so sorry, sir.

0:18:320:18:35

Woooooo!

0:18:350:18:37

Can anybody help me?

0:18:370:18:39

I've escaped from a mental asylum...for killing a human man.

0:18:390:18:44

Tom, this has gone too far.

0:18:440:18:46

-Ishmael just bit this lovely gentleman's hand.

-I saw that.

0:18:460:18:48

Look, guys, I'm afraid the rules are, if you touch the scare artists,

0:18:480:18:51

they are allowed to fight back.

0:18:510:18:53

Just fuck off!

0:18:530:18:54

HE GRUNTS

0:18:550:18:56

APPLAUSE

0:19:030:19:06

Hello, welcome to the make-up department. My name's Linda.

0:19:060:19:09

Where are you from?

0:19:090:19:11

-Roubaix in France.

-Oh, we have a French speaker in the room!

0:19:110:19:14

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I am actually fluent in zee French.

0:19:140:19:17

My name is Linda and I work in the make-up room.

0:19:190:19:23

Is somebody over-tired and needs a nap?

0:19:250:19:28

We can have chocolate biscuits later.

0:19:280:19:31

Look how happy he is!

0:19:310:19:32

Did you do a wee-wee in your knickers, sweetie?

0:19:320:19:35

-SHE WHISPERS:

-Is that why you're so quiet?

0:19:350:19:38

Come on, let me get those knickers.

0:19:380:19:40

-No, no, no...

-Come on, they're nice.

0:19:400:19:42

Marcel's done a wee-wee in his knickers on the make-up chair.

0:19:420:19:45

We've got a poo in the make-up room.

0:19:450:19:47

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-My name is Linda and I work in ze make-up room!

0:19:490:19:54

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I don't think he speaks the French.

0:19:550:19:58

Now, let's digress from our progress with a recess.

0:19:590:20:02

It's just part of the progress, you know this!

0:20:020:20:04

See you after the break.

0:20:040:20:06

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:20:060:20:08

Can I make my hair as heavy as cement, without ruining my look?

0:20:110:20:14

Now I can, thanks to new "Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement Shampoo".

0:20:140:20:19

"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" tackles dry hair, dandruff

0:20:190:20:23

and split-ends, as well as making my hair as heavy as cement.

0:20:230:20:27

In just 15 minutes, your hair will be as heavy as cement.

0:20:270:20:31

I tried to make my hair as heavy as cement

0:20:310:20:34

and already my hair's starting to feel as heavy as cement.

0:20:340:20:37

Now my hair's so heavy I can't lift up my head.

0:20:370:20:40

And now new, heavier "Sheet Metal".

0:20:430:20:45

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:49

"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" and now new "Sheet Metal".

0:20:490:20:54

Now, you can have heavy hair without compromising your look.

0:20:540:20:57

Wash your hair heavy today!

0:20:570:21:00

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:21:000:21:02

And now, a Frenchman

0:21:060:21:08

so supportive of his countrywomen he refuses to trim his own pubic hair.

0:21:080:21:13

It's Marcel Lucont!

0:21:130:21:15

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:21:150:21:17

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

0:21:280:21:29

Bonsoir.

0:21:290:21:31

For you now, an extract from my exquisite autobiography, "Moi".

0:21:310:21:37

Concerning my first visit to England

0:21:390:21:42

on a school exchange.

0:21:420:21:45

Which promised to us a rich, cultural experience which would

0:21:450:21:49

alter our view of the British, as repressed, thuggish, simpletons.

0:21:490:21:54

LAUGHTER

0:21:550:21:56

The coach pulled into Coventry.

0:22:030:22:06

LAUGHTER

0:22:060:22:08

I emerged drowsy and agitated, having been made to sit by Maurice.

0:22:080:22:13

Like me, on his final warning at school.

0:22:130:22:16

Him, for farting a surprising

0:22:160:22:18

substantial amount of La Marseillaise...

0:22:180:22:21

LAUGHTER

0:22:210:22:22

..me, for smoking and coarse language,

0:22:220:22:24

while fucking the philosophy teacher.

0:22:240:22:27

LAUGHTER

0:22:270:22:29

During this long trip,

0:22:290:22:30

Maurice had discovered that he could fellate himself.

0:22:300:22:34

A trick he unveiled via the back window, causing a lorry to crash.

0:22:340:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:41

For a country termed by Napoleon, "a nation of shopkeepers",

0:22:420:22:47

we were, naturally, bemused to find all of England's shops were shit.

0:22:470:22:52

LAUGHTER

0:22:520:22:53

By day three, naturally,

0:22:530:22:55

I had attracted the attention of an English girl, Helen.

0:22:550:22:59

The locations for our romantic encounters included cinemas,

0:22:590:23:04

cemeteries and swimming pools,

0:23:040:23:07

where I learned the phrase "heavy petting".

0:23:070:23:10

LAUGHTER

0:23:100:23:11

My father told me always that "heavy petting"

0:23:110:23:14

was what had killed my hamster.

0:23:140:23:16

LAUGHTER

0:23:160:23:18

The school had organised for us a discotheque on the final night.

0:23:180:23:22

We knew our small stash of alcohol would temper the lurid, fizzy,

0:23:220:23:27

red piss we received in bottles, which the

0:23:270:23:29

English boys attempted to convince us contained traces of panda.

0:23:290:23:33

LAUGHTER

0:23:330:23:35

In the toilets, however, I managed to obtain some speed from Gary.

0:23:370:23:42

Ironically, the slowest boy in the class.

0:23:420:23:45

Because of this, I soon misplaced Helen.

0:23:450:23:49

My search led me to the biology cupboard,

0:23:490:23:52

where I found Helen, alas, not alone.

0:23:520:23:56

She looked up at me with sheepish eyes,

0:23:580:24:01

next to where they kept the sheep's eyes.

0:24:010:24:04

LAUGHTER

0:24:040:24:05

But, like the sheep's heart in biology class,

0:24:050:24:09

mine was torn in two as I found her there semi-nude...

0:24:090:24:14

with Maurice.

0:24:140:24:16

Finally, he had found someone to do the job for him.

0:24:170:24:20

LAUGHTER

0:24:200:24:23

I learnt many English swear words that night, including

0:24:230:24:26

"go fuck yourself!"... An action I made sure Maurice was unable to

0:24:260:24:30

practise for many weeks to follow.

0:24:300:24:33

APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:36

Goodbye.

0:24:380:24:39

CHEERING

0:24:420:24:44

In the last instalment Dave shagged Sharon's mum.

0:24:490:24:53

It makes no difference, it was an accident done.

0:24:530:24:57

-Like herpes he returns.

-Itch not, mother.

0:25:050:25:10

Useless shit! Rodding action shittier than a Diana Rod's rod.

0:25:100:25:14

Draining mother's quim of its dignity.

0:25:140:25:17

May the gods pass over the trespasses done to my fuper.

0:25:170:25:21

Look, ask ye if I'm serious.

0:25:210:25:25

Then, for the grasp of thy Essex claw, present I this.

0:25:260:25:32

Engagement!

0:25:320:25:36

-Not quite engagement but...

-Not quite? Div thou.

0:25:360:25:40

What means thou "not quite", wank-air!?

0:25:400:25:43

Sweet Harry and I have co-invented a pre-engagement ring, upon which the

0:25:430:25:49

magic of cubic zirconia sparkles

0:25:490:25:52

with the promise of what might follow.

0:25:520:25:55

Perhaps, here after, maybe...

0:25:550:25:59

Engaged to be engaged. Ta-da!

0:26:010:26:03

Thou whitened dog turd thou!

0:26:030:26:06

Aye, thou bit of shit left in the tread of a caterpillar boot!

0:26:060:26:11

Engaged to be engaged, spiceless drumstick!

0:26:110:26:13

Why not serve me an empty KFC carton and be pretend it's zinger?

0:26:130:26:16

Lemon-white mo-fo!

0:26:160:26:18

Peck no more at my womanhood.

0:26:180:26:20

My final, paltry attempt to build a tower burger

0:26:240:26:28

from the breadcrumb of my sin.

0:26:280:26:31

My chips are gambled and served, salted in the wounds of lost love.

0:26:310:26:36

I shall flee the family bucket of these birds!

0:26:370:26:40

It is me who has become a chicken.

0:26:410:26:44

LAUGHTER

0:26:450:26:47

Cock!

0:26:470:26:49

LAUGHTER

0:26:490:26:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:530:26:56

Thank you but that is the end of the show.

0:26:560:26:59

If we've left you wanting more, after the show head straight to...

0:26:590:27:01

Or if you're scared of technology, scratch out extra sketches

0:27:030:27:06

on some crude bits of slate and then just move them really quickly.

0:27:060:27:09

From me and the Electrolytes, goodbye!

0:27:090:27:13

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:130:27:14

Thanks for being so understanding, it won't happen again.

0:27:140:27:18

I just spoke to the guy, luckily he says he still enjoyed the tour.

0:27:180:27:21

-So, fingers crossed they'll be keeping it.

-Who, that guy?

0:27:210:27:25

He wasn't evaluating you.

0:27:250:27:26

-What?

-No, he's just a huge fan of the show.

0:27:260:27:29

He's fucking weird if you ask me.

0:27:290:27:32

I think he might genuinely be from a mental asylum.

0:27:320:27:35

So, who was evaluating you, Tom?

0:27:350:27:39

-I don't know.

-It was me.

0:27:390:27:41

You'll be hearing from me in due course.

0:27:410:27:43

Such a freak!

0:27:430:27:45

Tell me something I don't know.

0:27:450:27:47

-What are you going to do about that girl you punched?

-What girl?

0:27:470:27:50

The girl on the tour.

0:27:500:27:51

Tom, there was no girl on the tour.

0:27:510:27:54

Just joking, she's suing me. See you on Monday, newbie.

0:27:550:27:59

Igor!

0:27:590:28:01

HE HISSES

0:28:010:28:03

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