Spencer Jones and James Acaster Live from the BBC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Days, days, days, days

# She got me working all the days, days, days, days

# She's gotta listen, not money needs a lot lot of money ma noo

# He's gotta less gotta malla lot got maz ama ma-noo

# She's gotta love some man lotta me noo ma-an ma-an ma noo

# Hey ha ma letta my hadda my getta mana nama na-moo

# You got me working all the days, days, days, days

# You got me working all the days, days, days, days

# You got me working all the days, days, days, days

# You got me working all the days, days, days, days

# She's gotta listen not money needs a lot lot of money ma noo

# He's gotta less gotta malla lot got maz ama ma-noo

# She's gotta love some man lotta me noo ma-an ma-an ma noo

# Hey ha ma letta my hadda my getta mana nama na-moo

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# Got me working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# You got me working on my holiday my holiday

# Summer holiday holiday

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days

# I got you working all the days, days, days, days. #

All right?

HE CACKLES

"Aaargh!"

"What is he?!"

Thank you, goodnight. Thank you.

HE LAUGHS

"It was a bit short. Yeah, it was a bit short."

HE MUTTERS AND LAUGHS

That'll do, won't it?

It's all right.

Anyway. Anyway. Herbert. Herbert.

Audience. Yay!

HE MUTTERS AND LAUGHS

Right.

Now, we have all... We have all, at one point, we've gone out...

We've... And we've, and we've had a...

We've had a drink, haven't we? Yeah. Yeah. We have, haven't we?

You might... Or you might... HE PUFFS

You might do that. HE MUTTERS

You might... HE SNORTS

You might do that, and it's up to you.

HE LAUGHS You might do that, I mean...

All right, mate. Crack on!

We've all done something, yeah?

We've all done something, and then gone on the internet,

and then, "Oh, no, what have I done?!"

"I'll show you what I done." HE LAUGHS

Er...

Got that.

HE MUTTERS Put that...

Little thing like that. Put that there. Like that.

HE MUTTERS I'm not a ventriloquist.

50 quid!

There's that bit.

Got that.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Oh!

-"Oh!"

It's not real.

Wait, wait, wait...

CLICK

Oh ho! Sleep well(!)

Put that there like that. BUTTON CLICKS

RADIO STATIC WHINES

72 quid.

HE LAUGHS

And she... She's like, "You're ruining your life".

I am.

Got that.

It's not real!

HE MUTTERS

You get that, and you...

CHIMP WHINES

CHIMP CALL

250 quid.

But... Put that there, yeah. Yeah? Yeah?

And then... Er...

Get one of them. Yeah?

HE LAUGHS

Banksy.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Any epileptics?

Serious.

LAUGHTER

All right.

Couple of... HE MUTTERS

All right. Everyone hear of that?

You've heard of groan tubes?

Anyone heard of groan tubes? Yeah.

Some'll be like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I use them all the time. Yah, yah."

But some, you know, you don't know... HE MUTTERS

So, groan tube is... TUBE MAKES GROANING SOUND

Yeah? Ah!

Oh, yeah, we know them. Wahay! HE LAUGHS

Whole box.

Couple of drinks. The internet, and... Wahay!

And she's like, "I should have married your brother."

She should.

HE MUTTERS Whole box, ready? Whole box, ready?

One, two, three?

TUBES GROAN IN UNISON

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Wait, wait, wait...

BRIEF GROAN

"Wait for us!"

HE LAUGHS

GROANING

BRIEF GROAN

HIGH GROAN

LOW GROAN

HIGH GROAN

LOW GROAN

HIGH GROAN

LOW GROAN

HIGH GROAN

LOW GROAN

GROAN CONTINUES INTO A BUZZ

BUZZ WARBLES

BUZZING STOPS

BRIEF GROAN

SQUEAK...

SQUEAK!

HIGH GROAN

LOW GROAN

HIGH GROAN LOW GROAN

HIGH GROAN LOW GROAN

SQUEAK!

BABY CRIES

CRYING SETTLES WITH ROCKING

CRYING INTENSIFIES

CRYING STOPS

HIGH CRYING

LOW CRYING

HIGH CRYING

LOW CRYING

HIGH CRYING

LOW CRYING

CRYING CONTINUES INTO A BUZZ

BUZZING WARBLES

BUZZING STOPS

RINGING BUZZ

QUACKING BUZZ

There's that bit.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Er... Er...

"What's he doing?!"

Doing it. I'll show you the... HE MUTTERS

HE LAUGHS

There's that, yeah?

She... She's like, "Where's that gone?"

HE LAUGHS "I don't know."

What you do, you get that, yeah? You put that...

On there like that, yeah?

# Waah!

# I like to clean the floor

# Mmm, dirty floor! #

I'm 38!

APPLAUSE

# You been a dirty floor

# Yeah, I have

# I'm gonna clean you With my mouth...

HELD NOTE BECOMES WHINE

HE LAUGHS

It's something, innit? It's something.

HE MUTTERS

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this one.

HE LAUGHS It's stupid, this.

One, two, three, ready, ready, ready?

Yay!

13 quid.

HE LAUGHS

Show you this. So you've got that, yeah? Found it in the street.

And you put... Like that, yeah? I put that in there like that.

Yeah, yeah?

POSH VOICE: Aha-ha-ha, yah?

POSH VOICE: Aha-ha-ha, yah?

But you turn it around, and it's... SLOPPY VOICE: Un nuh nuh nuh.

SLOPPY VOICE: Un nuh nuh nuh

HE LAUGHS That's good, innit?

You get that.

There like that. You get that.

GENTLE VOICE: No. No way, man.

GENTLE VOICE: You can't come to the party.

Why?

GENTLE VOICE: Janet's coming.

Oh.

Never went!

HE LAUGHS

I've got two kids.

I can vote!

Thank you very much, Spencer Jones. HE MUTTERS

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING CONTINUES

James Acaster.

Good to see you all. Thanks for coming. Why? Why are you here?

Why are you here?

Why do people come to see stand-up comedy?

I know why. It took me ages to figure it out. I finally know.

You come for the celebrity gossip.

That is why you're here.

You know start-up comedians, we brush shoulders with celebrities all the time.

We're the bridge between the public and the stars.

Every now and again we get a bit of gossip in our claws,

you come to see us praying we're going to spill the beans.

We never do, do we?

You leave disappointed every time, don't you?

Good news.

I'm going to do it.

That's how the show starts, with some celebrity gossip.

Now let's just say I happen to know a certain celebrity,

like a month and a half ago, got himself kicked out of a karaoke bar.

Now, look at your faces. Look at your faces.

You know what your faces are saying?

"Who did that?"

"Who did that?" This might surprise you.

None other than Jorge Galleguillos.

Yeah?

You remember Jorge Galleguillos, don't you?

You remember Jorge Galleguillos.

It's been a while.

What's it been, five years since he got out the mine?

LAUGHTER

About that, isn't it? Five years since the Chilean miners.

But they're massive celebrities now.

They are massive, you can't deny that.

I've got some celebrity gossip about Jorge Galleguillos.

I'm not keeping it to myself, either.

Kicked out of a karaoke bar.

Jorge! I know he's the bad boy of the group, but even so.

You expect it from Florencio Avalos, you don't expect it from Jorge Galleguillos, do you?

He's the rascal.

Here's the real scoop -

it weren't even a karaoke bar, he only thought it was.

Just a normal pub.

Normal pub playing really loud music with a TV in the corner

showing the news with the subtitles on.

He was singing the details of the Greek financial crisis

to the tune of Livin' On A Prayer.

Classic Jorge Galleguillos.

LAUGHTER

Bit more celebrity gossip for you, since you're so hungry.

Didn't know you were so hungry for it. Open wide, here's some more.

Heads up, this next celebrity is a bit more obscure.

LAUGHTER

Fair warning.

It's Jimmy Sanchez.

Yeah, most of you won't even remember Jimmy Sanchez, to be fair.

Jog your memory. Jimmy Sanchez, he was the 29th miner out the mine.

Jimmy Sanchez, remember him? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Remember him now, don't you?

Of course you do. You remember Jimmy. When did he come up?

He was in between Daniel Herrara and who was it?

Julio Aguilera?

Aguilera, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. It was Julio Aguilera, actually.

Jimmy Sanchez...

When I tell you this, right, some of you will be like,

"Big deal. Why is that even gossip? Who cares? That's pretty normal."

Others, you'll be like, "That is disgusting and unnatural.

"I can't believe it, it's appalling, I'm glad that you told me that, actually."

Jimmy Sanchez, he has hot drinks with hot meals.

LAUGHTER

How does your mouth even know the difference, mate? What are you playing at?

I'm not exaggerating. Like a cup of tea and a bowl of minestrone.

Not one after the other - alternating mouthfuls back and forth.

Each to their own, but it's not for me, you know?

That doesn't leave this room, by the way.

LAUGHTER

Bit more. Bit more.

Pedro Cortes...

LAUGHTER

You remember him, don't you? Pedro Cortez.

You remember Pedro Cortez.

He was the 11th and 18th miner out the mine.

He forgot something, had to go back for it.

LAUGHTER

I think it was a charger.

Don't quote me on that, but I think it was a charger.

Pedro Cortez, right,

he often sends people e-mails with the subject heading,

"Check out this funny video", then forgets to include the link.

What a time waster!

LAUGHTER

Glad to see we got some proper Chilean miners fans in tonight, by the way.

That doesn't always happen. Hard-core fans, am I right?

Since before they got stuck.

LAUGHTER

When it was all about the mining.

Anyway, we're not here to gossip. Thank you.

Do some rough gigs in this job. I played a members-only club once.

Any idea how bad that is?

Just the worst people in the world in a members-only club.

If you're not a member, rest assured, you're missing out on nothing.

Absolute scum, every single one of them.

It's the most pompous people ever - pretentious.

They were sitting there, I'm doing a gig,

they're knocking back calamari shavings and just heckling me

for the whole show, treating me like their own personal court jester.

I'm not even getting paid money. My payment - membership to the club.

At one point I started bantering with them all, asking them what they did for a living.

Turns out they were all stand-up comedians who'd done the gig in the past.

LAUGHTER

We got over it. Two weeks later I had a mouthful of olives,

heckling Josh Widdicombe like a champion.

I don't even regret that.

Trying to work on my skill set, though, you know. Branch out a bit.

Trying to learn how to play pool. That's hard.

Before you even start you have to set the balls up in that triangle.

I don't know what order they're meant to go in.

It's a secret amongst tough guys.

Seven reds, seven yellows, one black

not in an easy-to-memorise, pretty pattern.

Like, if you want to remember the order of the colour of the rainbow,

you just remember "Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain." Easy.

It's nothing like that when it comes to the pool balls.

Until now.

LAUGHTER

I had a night off, I got a pen and paper out.

Now, if I ever need to set those pool balls up, I just remember

"Renovating Your Rock'n'Roll Bungalow

"Yielded Yesterday's Ritalin Yet Raspberry Ripple Ying-yangs Repel Yoghurt."

LAUGHTER

Or: "Sellotaping Steven Spielberg's Broken Seesaw

Sends Satellite Signals Southbound So Sushi Seems Suspicious"

if you're playing spots and stripes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Trying to learn how to play the acoustic guitar as well.

Again, difficult.

The other day I'm practising,

drop my plectrum down that hole in the middle.

Irretrievable. Gone forever.

Eventually, I just put the guitar under a tap

and I filled it up with water

until it floated out and then I caught it real quick.

Can't play guitar to save my life.

Good at air guitar, though. Real good at air guitar.

Every time I'm at a disco, air guitaring all night.

Unless there's no guitar on the track, then I don't do it.

You rub people up the wrong way, you know?

Like, if I'm ever at a rave,

which I am pretty much every night of the week,

if I'm at a rave, it's all synthesisers, no guitar in any of the songs.

So what I tend to do, all night, I just do this dance move, just do this:

See what I'm doing?

I'm still doing air guitar,

I just dropped the plectrum down that hole, I'm trying to shake it out again.

LAUGHTER

I like so many different types of music.

I like a cappella music.

My favourite a cappella song, probably, Who Ate All The Pies.

LAUGHTER

It's a good song, innit?

Usually they sing it at football stadiums, you know.

Be at a stadium or whatever, usually about a thousand people sing it,

and they sing it to one person.

Just serenade one guy.

Usually a rotund fellow.

Usually a rotund fellow, not expecting the serenade.

And then all the others, all those thousand people,

they were wondering, who...

And this was a serious concern.

Who ate all the pies? They all had that thought at the same time.

Maybe before the game, we don't even know.

They maybe all thought "Who ate all the pies?" And thought,

"Let's go down to the football,

"maybe we can check out some suspects over there.

"Start interrogating individuals."

So they booked out the whole side of one of the stands

and they looked around until they saw someone who

looked like they might know a thing or two about the pies.

The whereabouts of the pies.

He looks suspicious, this fellow.

And they ask him. Everyone asks him in a song.

It starts off, "Who ate all the pies?" is the first line of the song.

Which is, you get right to it with Who Ate All The Pies,

it's the important thing.

You don't mess around, skirting around the main issue.

Who ate all the pies?

And then they needed a second line, and they went,

"If you can't improve on the first line, why bother?"

So, second line, just to make it crystal clear what they want to know,

in case, you don't want to ask a second question on the second line

and then they answer that and ignore the pressing one that was...

You know, you don't want to say, "Who ate all the pies?" and then "Have you seen my dog?"

And they're like, "I'll answer question two and then they'll probably forget about the pie."

Go straight in there twice - who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?

This is what we want to... Don't even pretend like you don't know what we're talking about.

That is exactly what we want to know from you.

Don't pretend like you don't know.

Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?

Then...

There is a twist...

LAUGHTER

..that will blow your goddamn mind. You won't even...

I never saw this twist coming, you probably won't either.

They reveal that they actually knew all along...

..from the start...

..who ate all the pies. They all knew it.

They all knew, every single one of them knew.

And they were asking him just to see what he'd do, but then they go,

"Guess what, mate? It was you. You did it.

"You're the person we're asking."

It's always the person you least suspect.

Who would expect themselves in that situation?

"You ate all the pies,

"and our evidence for this is that you are a fat bastard.

"That is all the evidence we need to bring to the table.

"You're a fat bastard and you ate all the pies. Get out of that one.

"Try and... No, you may not see your lawyer."

LAUGHTER

My favourite football chant,

I would say, is my home town team, Kettering Town.

Kettering Town FC. That chant is brilliant, isn't it?

You all love it.

LAUGHTER

All of you love that one, I don't have to explain it to you

like I did Who Ate All The Pies, which you hadn't heard before.

We all know Kettering Town FC's football chant, don't we? It goes:

HE CHANTS: K and an E and a T and a T

E and an R and an I-N-G.

T and an O and W-N.

Kettering Town FC!

LAUGHTER

It's a good song, isn't it? You don't hear it enough these days.

Radio plays all the commercial shit,

but, like, that's a good song.

What's an even better song is my version of it.

I done a real clever version, a little remix, if you will.

Basically, what happens is,

I just sing that song over and over again on a loop,

but each time I go round I miss out an extra letter each time.

Like Heads, Shoulders Knees And Toes, that kind of...

That's the level I'm working on when I was writing the song.

Sing it over and over again.

It's a bit hard to get it in your head explaining it.

I'll perform it to you now.

I'd like to perform it here in this lovely theatre,

and you look like you'd enjoy it the most, mate,

so I'm going to aim it entirely at you. So that's fine.

LAUGHTER

-So, here we go. What's your name?

-Rob.

-Rob.

Yeah. You found your name real funny there, Rob, that was sweet.

Isn't that nice? If only we all had that kind of character.

I'd be at a party. "What's your name?"

"James. Oh! That's made my own night."

It'd be good, wouldn't it? Wish we were all more like Rob, actually.

Here we go. Kettering Town FC song, Acaster remix.

HE CHANTS: # K and an E and a T and a T E and an R and an I-N-G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And an E and T and a T E and an R and an I-N-G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And a... And a T and a T E and an R and an IN-G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And a... And a... And a T

# E and an R and an I-N-G T and an O and a W-N

# Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a E and an R and an I-N-G

# T and an O and a W-N

# Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a...

# And a R and an I-N-G

# T and an O and a W-N

# Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a I-N-G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC.

# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a N-G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a G

# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... and a...

# And a T and an O and a W-N. #

Yeah, we're doing TOWN as well, unlucky, Rob.

# Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a...

# And a O and a W-N Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... And a... and a... and a... and a W-N

# Kettering Town FC

# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a... and a... and a N

Kettering Town FC.

# And a... and a... and a... And a... and a... and a... and a...

# Kettering Town FC. #

I wrote that song. I wrote that song.

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Deserved. Deserved applause. I wrote it.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a lovely, lovely audience you've been.

Thank you very much for coming. See you another time. Peace!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE