Tez Ilyas and Alex Edelman Live from the BBC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, BBC. Are you well?

CHEERING

You sound delicious. Hi!

My name is Tez Ilyas.

I should point out at the beginning of this that I...

I'm aware, I'm more than fully aware, that I do look a lot more

like an overenthusiastic Apprentice candidate

than a stand-up comedian. I know.

It's just what they put me in.

I should also point out at this very early stage

that I am openly Asian, OK?

That's what that is. British Asian as well, which I love.

I love being British. British people, give me a cheer!

CHEERING

Nice. Non-British people, give me a cheer.

CHEERING

I reckon we could take them.

LAUGHTER

If we all worked together...

..take them down.

Honestly, if you're not British, you are missing out.

Frankly. That is my conclusion,

because there are so many benefits to being British.

Literally, there are so many benefits, OK?

LAUGHTER

Just learn how to fill out a form and it is brilliant.

I don't call them benefits, obviously.

I call them reparations, but nevertheless...

they're great.

Of course, I love my roots as well, which are obviously...

I am from Lancashire.

Allah's country.

And I love my deeper roots as well, which happen to come from Pakistan.

But with this background, sometimes I don't feel completely British.

Like, I'm not indigenously a British person,

but I'm not a Pakistani either.

I guess I've got this kind of hybrid background -

I'm a British National Pakistani,

or BNP for short, OK?

Let me tell you all, it is hard being in the BNP in 2015.

You tell a liberal, they will choke on their hummus.

It is hard for them to wrap their heads around it.

I am Muslim as well, so I have got all of that going on.

For those of you that don't know that much about us,

you might recognise us from such hit TV shows

as the News, OK? Because we...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We have been on that one a lot this series, haven't we?

We have got recurring characters, it's on at prime time.

We have smashed that show.

It is an interesting time being Muslim at the moment,

cos a lot of people have written and said

a lot of things about us over recent weeks, months, even years.

Like, some people, you know the ones out there -

the ones with access to the internet -

they think being Muslim is all animal cruelty,

oppressing women and claiming benefits.

That's what they think it is.

What those people haven't realised

is there are downsides as well.

LAUGHTER

It's not all summer camps and Nandos up here, OK?

Have you tried looking after four wives in today's economy, sir?

It's expensive! It is expensive.

Hmm.

I feel like... I will level with you.

I feel like British Muslims don't get enough credit

for how progressive we are. I will give you an example.

My imam, like my priest,

he is massively pro-gay marriage.

Loves it.

Cannot get enough of the stuff.

That might surprise you guys to hear that tonight.

If I'm honest, it surprised me too, the first time I heard it.

But he quite clearly got up in front of his congregation

on the Friday before the weekend of the first gay wedding

and he addressed us, a bit like I'm addressing you guys right now.

He said to us,

"Wagwan, Taliban?"

No, OK. I'm em...

No, OK, listen, I'm paraphrasing slightly for your entertainment, OK?

Let's not be so immature about it, guys. Come on.

No, he said to us,

"Listen, we British Muslims live in a tolerant society.

"There is no reason why we cannot support gay marriage.

"There is no reason why in 2016

"one gay man cannot get married to another lesbian woman, OK?

"There is no reason why...

"There is no reason why we cannot support that union."

I was like, "OK, um...

"I don't know if he fully understood what is happening.

"But I am loving your enthusiasm.

"Sign me up to your newsletter,

"cos that is going to give me LOLs."

Despite this progressiveness, the government is really worried

about the influence of Islamist extremism at the moment.

They are so worried about it that they keep on banging on

about this thing called "British values", you may have heard it.

Banging on about it. I think that is fine on paper.

But what's got me concerned about it

is that the government wants to make sure that every schoolchild

learns exclusively British values in school.

That concerns me, because I never learnt British values growing up.

It just wasn't on the curriculum.

Which probably explains why I have grown up

to become such a savage.

LAUGHTER

But maybe the government is right.

Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical, because actually I remember,

back in the day, I was...

Guys, I will level with you,

I was brainwashed with some pretty hard-core Arabic imperialism.

I remember learning some really radical stuff

like algebra, guys. OK, it was...

And if exclusively British values means my niece and nephew

don't have to go through that same trauma, then bring it on, I say.

It is not just the government, though, is it?

I was reading the Guardian a few months ago, of course I was.

I read this interview.

The interview was with, like, quite a senior police officer

from the Metropolitan police. He was a senior commander.

He was having an interview about extremism.

He said in this interview that Muslims in this country

need to do more to combat extremism within its own community.

I was like, "All right.

"A bit of self-policing.

"Respect my authorit-ah."

"Sign me up, I'm in.

"All right, sir, I have signed up.

"What should we be looking out for?

"What is it that will make me think, 'All right, stop that, lads'?"

He said...

in this...

Cos I think that is probably all it is, right? If you just...

"Stop it."

And he said in this completely non-ironic interview...

"Questions should be asked

"if people stop shopping

"at Marks & Spencer."

HIGH-PITCHED TONE: Say what?!

"Hey, yeah, is that Sherlock?

"Yeah, hi, mate. Yeah, no, yeah.

"Yeah? No. No, you're off the case.

"Yeah, you know those... Yeah, we've solved it.

"Yeah, you know those lads

"who stopped shopping at Marks & Spencer six months ago?

"Yeah, yeah, it was them.

"Yeah... Yeah...

"Yeah, no shit...

"Sherlock. OK, all right, bye."

I mean, what does that extremist even look like really?

Guys.

Because this not just any extremist.

LAUGHTER

This is an Isis-loving, M&S-boycotting,

Best of British extremist.

Now if there's any of you who don't know where that reference is from,

then you're obviously part of the problem.

I can see some of you looking at me right now thinking,

"We like him.

"But why...?

"Why has he got holes in his beard?

"Why have you got gaps in your face, brah?!

"Are you going to explain yourself

"or are we just staring at your chessboard face all night?

"What is...?

"What is going on?"

Guys, it's my HOLY beard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Guys, I'm just a young guy-ish - youngish guy...

..with a dream.

That dream is to play the Doctor in Doctor Who.

That is all I want, OK? That's all I want.

Because, look, we are talking about a black James Bond now,

that is a thing, so why can't we have an Asian guy

in the lead role of Doctor Who?

I said this to my best friend. I said, "Hey, best friend.

"I want to be...

"the first Asian Doctor."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He said, "You're a fucking idiot."

Guys, I have been Tez Ilyas.

If you did like my jokes or even just my politics,

then you can follow me.

I am going to leave in about ten minutes.

I have been Tez. Enjoy the rest of your wonderful evening.

Have a good night. God bless!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hi!

Wow!

Thank you so much.

Yes, my name as Alex Edelman.

Thank you so much for having me.

I am a comedian from New York, but I've spent a lot of time here.

I have spent a lot of time in the UK. I love it here.

I love being an American in the UK

as long as I never have to see other Americans.

We are not good ambassadors for each other.

Like, the first time I was here,

I was waiting on this train platform

in this part of London called Kingston.

It is, like, December, it is freezing.

These two girls stumbled onto the platform.

You know how some people dress with no regard for weather?

It is December in London,

they have dressed for, like, July in Mexico.

It is like when they were getting ready that night,

someone was like, "ladies, we are going to Kingston."

They were like, "Jamaica?!"

LAUGHTER

Cos they're coming down the platform and they're huddled over.

They are so drunk and they are so loud

and they are so clearly from New York City.

They are saying things like, "It is so cold."

Everyone else is like, "Yeah, that is why we wore jackets."

This British guy standing next to me,

I don't know this guy, I've never met this guy,

he looks at them and then he looks at me and he just goes...

"Ugh!"

LAUGHTER

"Americans."

I didn't know what to say to that. So I just went with...

MUMBLING: Mm-hmm.

And they are coming down the platform and I am praying,

like, "Please don't notice me. Please don't notice me."

They stop right in front of me, and for a second I was like,

"Fuck! They can smell it!"

And I realised I am wearing a New York University jumper.

I'm like, "Oh, clever girls."

One of them goes...

"You're from New York City!

"We're from New York City!

"Where in New York are you from?"

The British guy next to me looks at me like, "Are you?"

Instead of handling it like an adult,

instead of being like,

"Shut up, you are ruining this", I panicked.

I just looked at him and I looked at the guy,

I looked at everyone around me and just went...

HE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I pretended to be deaf to get out of a conversation.

Everyone backed off.

Everyone just went, "No, don't want no part of that."

Except for one of the girls who mistook "I'm sorry, I'm deaf"

for "Hey, I can't hear you, yell at me."

And she starts screaming, "Where are you from in New York?

"Where are you from?"

Then to the horrified looks of everyone, she goes,

"WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?!"

And this British guy next to me is getting angrier and angrier,

because in his mind it is not one dick American

being a dick to another dick American,

to him, it's one dick American being a dick

to a nice deaf British boy.

LAUGHTER

He says to the girl who backed off, he goes,

"Hey! You better grab your mate."

She goes, "Katie?"

Which I could have guessed, by the way.

"Katie? He's deaf."

Her friend goes, "Wha...? Oh!"

Then she gets right in my face and she goes...

"HEY!

"I'M REALLY SORRY YOU'RE DEAF."

I was offended, as a fake deaf person.

They walk off down the platform and everyone is standing...

I don't know a lot about British people even though I have spent,

I guess, the better part of the last year here.

But I will say that I have noticed they don't love tension.

So everyone is doing very typical London thing of, like,

maybe if you don't look at it, it will go away.

Except that guy who got involved. He just stood there like this.

This British guy is just ramrod straight.

After a minute, he looks down on the platform at them

and any looks at me and he just goes...

"I can't believe you got away with that."

LAUGHTER

I said to him, "How did you know?"

He went, "Mate...

"you have your iPod headphones in."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I love it here. I love the UK. It doesn't mean that I belong here.

I know I don't belong here.

Like, a few months ago, I was on a train to Leicester. Not to brag.

I got a text from a musician friend of mine.

The text said, "Hey! I'm going to be on Blue Peter."

I just don't know what that is.

No idea.

I figured from the context it was either a TV show

or a specific kind of MDMA.

Given I didn't know the musician that well,

it was a girl I had a crush on, actually,

I figured it was a TV show.

It is a TV show. Well done me.

So I said, "Cool. When?"

She said, "Half an hour."

"It's a TV show, well done me."

I really wish I knew what kind of TV show,

because half an hour later I walked into a pub in Leicester.

LAUGHTER

I went up to the oldest bartender I have ever seen and I went,

"Hey. Can you put on Blue Peter?"

LAUGHTER

The bartender went...

"It's on CBBC, mate."

I said, "I don't care if it is Canadian broadcasting,

"do you guys have it?"

It's a TV show.

It's a children's TV show.

I really wish I knew it was a children's TV show,

cos the bartender is going to change the channel...

Rugby highlights were on,

which is apparently, like, a big deal in Leicester.

He is going to change the channel and he says,

"Do you watch Blue Peter often?"

I said, "No.

"But today I have a crush on one of the guests."

LAUGHTER

It is a TV show for children.

He turned it on and it was just presenters with bad hair

making toys. Apparently that's...

You are all nodding. That is the thing they do on Blue Peter -

they make toys. Like, they were making SpongeBob SquarePants toys

but they couldn't say it was SpongeBob SquarePants.

They were like, "This is SpongeRobert RectangleTrousers.

"And his best friend Padraig."

The strangest thing about being out of the country is that, like,

there are certain routines that you have at home...

And I've been in the UK, up until last month, for almost a year.

Like, where do you get a haircut when you are away from home?

I just googled haircuts.

I was in Glasgow, I googled haircuts

and I walked into the first place that came up.

I walked in, and the guy who was going to be cutting my hair

had the worst haircut I had ever seen.

The optimist in me was like, "he's probably the best in Scotland

"and he can't find anyone to cut his hair."

LAUGHTER

That is not the case.

And you forget how creepy a barber can be. You forget how odd...

Like, I walked in. It's such an intimate job. Like, the guy was...

Can I use your head for a second?

The guy was like,

DEEP TONE: "What are we going to do with you?"

I was like, "Haircut?"

The guy is like,

DEEP TONE: "What are we going to do with your fringe?"

I said, "We are going to cut it?"

This is what he said to me. He went,

"Brother, you've got to tell me something."

This is what I decided to say

to someone with the worst haircut I had ever seen

who was about to cut my hair.

I said "Hey, man, just make me look cool."

This is the haircut.

That guy was like, "Who is the coolest person in the world?

"Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway.

"That is the haircut you are getting."

I have been here for about a year. I miss my siblings.

That is the thing I miss most of all.

I have two siblings, AJ and Austin. AJ is my twin brother.

AJ is a professional bodybuilder.

LAUGHTER

People are like, "Are you guys identical twins?"

I'm like, "We fucking used to be!"

Now we look like a before and after photo.

He lives in San Francisco with two cats and no neck.

I went to visit him. MUFFLED: "Dude, come to my gym."

I was like, "What?" MUFFLED: "Dude, come to my gym."

"What you mean, it's your gym?" "It is where I train."

I went with him and he was lifting weights.

As he was lifting the weights,

he was looking at a reflection of himself in the mirror.

I wish I hadn't asked, but I was like,

"AJ, why do you look at your own reflection

"when you lift the weights?"

Without breaking eye contact, he went,

"Because when you're training...

"..it helps to look at a champion."

LAUGHTER

So thank God that I have another one.

I have another brother, that one is better.

He is way better.

His name is Austin.

Austin is 13 years younger than AJ and I. 13 years.

Austin was planned.

My parents insist that Austin was planned even when nobody asks.

They will be like, "We have Alex and AJ, who are twins,

"and Austin, who was planned."

We just found out Austin is funny. We didn't know.

We thought he was little-kid funny, he might be for-real funny.

He was at summer camp this summer

and they were introducing all the kids to each other,

asking them icebreaker questions -

what is your greatest strength, what is your greatest weakness? -

One of the kids, a kid named Motty Blumenthal said...

SCATTERED LAUGHTER Yeah, don't worry,

it's the most Jewish name you've ever heard, it's cool.

It is a Jewish camp, so all the kids have names like that...

It's the good kind of Jewish camp!

LAUGHTER

The icebreakers at the other kind, way less fun.

They were introducing all the kids -

greatest strength, greatest weakness -

Motty Blumenthal says, "My greatest strength

"is that I have a huge penis."

It's funny, but Austin's was funnier, cos he went,

"Well, I don't know my greatest strength,

"but Motty's greatest weakness

"is that he doesn't know the difference

"between 'have' and 'am'."

LAUGHTER

Good boy. I think we are going to keep him.

Last time I saw my brothers was...

..about 10 months ago. I saw them...

I was travelling and I saw my brothers

in Terminal C of Dallas Fort Worth airport.

I fly a lot for comedy. AJ flies more than I do.

AJ is what is known as a mileage runner.

He flies just to get more miles, get into clubs and things like that.

This is what he did three weeks ago -

he flew from San Francisco to Houston,

Houston to Chicago, Chicago to Miami,

Miami to Johannesburg, South Africa.

Johannesburg, South Africa, to Mumbai.

Mumbai to Melbourne.

Melbourne to Honolulu. Honolulu to San Francisco.

He told me that. I was like, "Why? Why?

"How is bodybuilding not the most insane part of your personality?"

He went, "Cos now I am a club member." He is obsessed with clubs.

I joined my first club this year. Actually, I'm sorry.

I joined my second club this year.

The first club I ever joined was Judaism,

so I was nervous about joining the second club,

because to get into the first club...

I had to cut off a tiny bit of my penis.

So the second club was like, "Would you like to join our club?"

I was like, "How do you get in?"

They're like, it's £3,200 a year."

I was like, "Would you like a tiny bit of my penis instead?"

I did a show in exchange for membership. I don't belong there.

The name of the club, and I always say it like this, Soho House.

Mm.

There are two types of people who are members at Soho House -

fashion people and insufferable douche-canoes.

In the Venn diagram overlap,

100%.

I saw the most racist thing I have ever seen at Soho House.

There was a drunk guy coming up the stairs. He was like a pinball drunk.

He was, like, slamming into things to give him

enough energy to slam into the next thing and slam into the next thing.

He narrowly avoids me and my friend Jenner,

and he slams into this black guy behind us and he goes,

"Watch it, you...

"Idris Elba."

We were both like, "No."

Jenner looks back at this guy and says,

"I'm sorry, man, that's really terrible."

The guy went, "It's fine, it's not a big deal."

I'm like, "No, it's horrible. It's incredibly..."

The guy went, "It's fine. It's not a big deal."

Jenner went, in "No, it's really racist."

The guy went, "It's fine, I'm Idris Elba."

I have only ever seen him in The Wire.

So I made it so much worse cos I went,

"Idris Elba is British?"

Very patiently, he went, "Yes, he is."

LAUGHTER

I said, "But The Wire?"

Less patiently, he went, "That was acting."

LAUGHTER

Jenner was like, "Oh..." I was like, "What?"

He's like, "It's like The Sixth Sense -

"we were the racists the whole time."

LAUGHTER

I'm going back to New York tomorrow.

AJ is coming to see this show at the end of next week.

It is how he will find out that I have been talking about him.

LAUGHTER

He is going to beat the shit out of me.

We are going to find him two seats...

We are going to put him right in the front row so that I can look at him,

because when you are performing, it helps to stare at a champion.

You guys have been so great. Enjoy the rest of your night.

I'm Alex Edelman. See you later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE