Kerry & Kurtan and Sofie Hagen Live from the BBC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-All right? I'm Kerry and this is my mate Curtain.

You do know why he's called Curtain, don't you?

Because he's got curtains.

Yeah, we're from a little village in the Cotswolds and there's three

things you need to know about living in a village in the Cotswolds.

And the first one is, don't think you are being kind by leaving out

bread and milk for hedgehogs, because they can't ingest it.

And honestly, they explode like a fucking land mine.

And number two, don't get pissed and call Bill the landlord

from the Snooty Fox pub a silly old twat,

because he will bar you.

And not only will you get barred from the only pub

in the village, right,

but he will move the fag machine from the back door to by the bar,

so you can't even sneak in and buy fags when the village shop is shut.

And number three, you've got to watch your back,

because it's proper dangerous.

Tell them what happened at youth club at the Baptist Church.

Do you know Gary Bumworth's cousin's mate?

Because he was at youth club at the Baptist Church

because there's a disco on and he was dancing on the dance floor

and he felt this little prick in his leg,

so he looked down and there was, like, a cocktail stick in his leg,

with a flag on it saying, "Welcome to the world of Aids."

So, he was just dancing on the dance floor

and somebody injected him with Aids.

Tell them what happened at the village fete this year.

Oh, the village fete has just been.

Well, one of the barn owls got loose in the owl display

and it snatched the Mayor's hot dog

and then it flew into the church in the model village

and was eating on this hot dog, like, in a terrifying manner,

so Gary Bumworth went home, got his crossbow, shot it dead,

basically saved the town,

and now the owl display people reckon he owes them two grand.

But Gary Bumworth got out paying it, cos he said he thought

the hot dog the owl was eating was a two-month-old human baby.

Yeah, but tell them what he Facebooked you, saying.

Yeah, don't say this to anyone, but Gary Bumworth Facebooked me

the next day, saying he knew the hot dog the owl was eating was

a hot dog, he only said it was a two-month-old human baby

so he could use his new crossbow,

cos he just got his crossbow licence.

Why don't you tell them about Tupac?

No, you tell them about Tupac.

You know Tupac, the rap singer, faked his own death?

Because in 2013, Gary Bumworth

saw Tupac screaming, riding the Oblivion at Alton Towers.

Aw, tell them about Mad Billy No-Trousers.

Oh, yeah, you know the tramp in town that moonwalks across

the dual carriageway with his dick out?

Well, you know he invented Facebook, don't you?

And Mark Zuckerberg stole it off him.

Yeah, cos Mark Zuckerberg overheard Mad Billy No-Trousers

talking about it to the cashier in Woolworths.

When Woolworths was still alive.

I've got another fact for you. You know Mad Billy No-Trousers?

-He's her boyfriend.

-No, he's not!

-Oh, yeah.

I forgot, you've never had a boyfriend,

because you're still a virgin.

I'm not a virgin, because I've had sex loads of times, thanks.

-Who have you had sex with, then?

-Phil.

-Phil who?

Phil... Um...

-Phil who?

-Phil Schofield.

What, Phil Schofield from This Morning?

-No, his brother, thanks.

-All right,

so Phil Schofield off This Morning has a brother called Phil Schofield?

-Yes. I met him at youth club.

-Yeah, sure, Kerry. Whatever.

You're making me look like a proper bell shaft in front of everyone.

I don't go around, going on about how yous is dyslexic and that.

Oh, that's harsh, saying that in front of them.

It's a disease of the mind, Kerry.

If you're finished,

can I do my stand-up routine that I wrote on the way here? Please.

-I'm knackered.

-We had to listen to you fucking...

-Shall I sit down?

-Just a few minutes, yeah.

Basically, ladies and gents, I'd be very much gracious

if you could lend me your laughter for a few minutes because I wrote...

-Hurry up.

-.. this stand-up on the way here.

-I'm bored!

-And, yeah, it's a bit...

I wrote a joke but it's a bit rough. Bear... Bear with me.

Um... First joke, bit nervous now.

-Just go for it, just do it.

-Um...

Um, does...

Does anyone else think it's really annoying that you have to pay

5p for carrier bags now?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Can I just say, it's annoying, yeah,

but it's just not very funny, is it?

Next!

Um... Um... Self-service checkouts at Tesco,

Tesco call it a self-service checkout, I call it

I might pay for some shit, I might not.

Seriously, I'd be really careful who you say that to,

-because you don't know if there is Tesco staff out there.

-All right.

W-W-Who recognises this, then?

Unexplained item in the bagging area.

Remove this item before continuing.

Can I just say, I get where the joke, the thought of the joke was,

but I just don't think you really knew where you was going with it.

Right.

Hang on, I don't know what this is.

I've written here, "John Lewis advert, old man on the moon,

"paedo telescope?"

-But... I can't remember what the joke was.

-Move on!

Don't you hate it when you are in Wetherspoons

and you order food at the bar and they are like,

what is your table number?

And you're like, what is the table number?

But they can't hear you, so you have to run all the way back.

-Is that a six or a nine? And then they do it.

-No, no!

This is my last one now, so last chance to laugh, basically.

Does anyone else remember at primary school

when you used to go to the bogs, and the last cubicle

-in the bog, there was always a little, orange, rusty turd.

-Yes.

And there's no toilet paper.

-It was that big, a lone turd.

-Yeah.

-And it was like a nail in the bucket, rusting.

-Yeah.

That's it, really, to be honest. I've been Curtains.

-I've been Kerry, see you later.

-Cheers.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Hello.

Polite, that's nice.

I'm going to start by telling you a few things.

First of all, I'm not from here.

You picked up on that.

I'm from a country called Denmark. Thank you.

You don't give a shit, do you? That's fine.

My show is about how the best thing in my entire life happened.

It is the best thing I've ever experienced. I will tell you that.

Are you ready to see the show?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

It's started.

This is what happened,

the best thing that ever happened in my entire life.

It happened about two and a half years ago.

What happened was... How do you start this? I...

So, I was peeing,

like, on a man.

Not like, not in a revengey kind of way.

He knew. He was awake. It was...

He had asked me for it.

It was during the foreplay to the sexy times.

Thank you. Ooh! OK.

And I don't know why he did this but at some point during the foreplay,

he leaned in and he said, "I bet, I bet you wouldn't piss on me."

Now, that's not my thing.

I've never done that before, I've never considered wanting to

do that before, but I am very competitive.

So he was like, "I bet." I was like, "Bring it on. I will show you."

So we went to the bathroom, he laid down in the...

..shower thing. Laid down, I kind of, like, squatted.

And then I tried to pee.

And I couldn't.

And he was just lying there with this stupid grin on his face

and I got so angry.

I was aiming for his mouth...

I was like, "Fuck you, I can do this."

And it really made me think of my mother.

No, because this is my theory.

If you find yourself doing something...

that's a bit odd, something that's a bit weird...

I don't know if you agree with me on this - blame your parents.

It's always their fault.

They raised you. They made you.

So I know exactly...

Cos I thought, this is weird and I know exactly

how I became this weird...

competitive, weird person, because I once asked my mum

and I said, "Have I always been competitive and stubborn?"

and she, without looking up from her newspaper, just went,

"Well, you did once steal a horse."

And then stopped.

As if I wouldn't have more questions.

I said, "Tell me the story," and she said, "Well," she...

She showed me the horse.

It's... It's a little, white plastic horse.

In case you didn't know.

This is the story - I was five years old

and I really, really wanted the horse.

My mum couldn't afford it, I really wanted the horse.

So we were at the local mall of Sonderso.

Is anyone in from Sonderso?

LAUGHTER

One day.

We were at the local mall, in front of the toy store

and I was pulling my mother's sleeve and I was going,

"I want the horse, I want the horse, I want the horse.

"Give me the horse." My mum was going, "No. No, no."

And I said, "But I want the horse,"

and my mum said, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"

Five years old, I walked into the toy store,

I took the horse off the shelf,

just took it under my arm and just walked out.

Just walked out to my mum and just went, "Got the horse.

"I hope you kept the engine running."

I was like, "That's horrific, how did you punish me for that?

"Did you make me apologise, pay for it? What did you do?"

And she said, "I didn't do anything."

I said, "Why not?"

She said, "Well, we got the horse."

Actually, I think that's, like, THE lesson that my mum taught me

is kind of, you know, just take what you want.

She wanted to me to be this strong...

That is her life lesson to me,

so I grew up and became this competitive, obsessive teenager.

I wanted to be the best at everything. That was my whole life.

I became competitive, I needed to be the best at everything

and, guys, I ended up becoming the best at one thing.

And I'm going to tell you this, I became the best...

..Westlife fan.

Westlife. Do you know Westlife?

Does anyone not know Westlife?

SILENCE

Good. I'll just...

In case you've forgotten, I'll just kind of...

I don't know if I have anything to...

Oh, wait.

I guess we can...

These guys, right?

I just had this lying around.

In my suitcase.

Irish boy band. Let's put them here.

And that can be Brian.

Because Brian left the band.

I know you know.

We all remember where we were.

On March 10th, 2004.

He left the band. They were... Um...

I was the biggest, I was THE biggest Westlife fan.

When I started doing stand-up,

because I hadn't thought about Westlife at all

since I was about 15 years old, hadn't given it a single thought,

so when I started doing stand-up, I had this thought...

"Hm, I should Google my name," cos that's the kind of person I am -

the person that Googles her name.

I will also do it after the show, so be nice.

What if I one day become a person that people want to Google

and search for? What would they find,

what would they find on the internet when they Google my name?

You know, will they find nude photos?

There weren't any. So I fixed that.

That's awkward phone call to make.

"You thought they were just for you?

"Don't flatter yourself. Put them up.

"Don't be selfish."

What I found was much worse.

Much, much worse.

I found 350 short stories

that I wrote when I was 13

about Westlife.

350.

And I didn't really know what to do about it,

so I think I did the only sane thing,

the one thing I think most people would do,

which is to read one out on TV.

So, these are about random whatever and then Westlife.

There is no specific main characters,

all very fictional and made up.

No-one in particular. Here goes.

"Bianca had brown hair and brown eyes.

"She was chubby, not fat.

"She always wore baggy clothes.

"She didn't dress like those other girls in her class,

"who were all whores.

"Bianca hated herself."

Out of the blue.

"She smiled sarcastic at the mirror."

I've not changed any of the grammar. This is all original.

"Then she looked down, she looked at her body.

"She had to lose weight, she knew that.

"She couldn't wear anything tight, because she would look like a ham.

"She was watching her idols, Westlife, on MTV.

"There was a small interview.

"The speaker asked Mark how his perfect girl would be.

"She would have to be hot, damn hot."

I watched a lot of Fresh Prince.

That will explain a lot.

"She would have to be hot, damn hot.

"Long legs, big tits and the perfect shape.

"You know the one," he said.

"Though Bianca loved Westlife, she turned the TV off.

"She felt the tears bursting down her chins.

"Bianca ran outside.

"She walked to the park and sat down on a bench.

"Someone sat down next to her.

" 'What's the matter? Come on, girl. Speak to me...'

"..an Irish voice said.

"She knew it was Mark from Westlife."

Why wouldn't it be?

It's the band she hangs out at.

"But she didn't care.

"All she wanted to do was to commit suicide."

It's a natural reaction to watching something on TV that you don't like.

" 'Leave me alone,' she whispered, and stood up.

"She walked against the bridge.

"The water was deep, she knew that.

"A mile at least.

"She took one step out and felt the cold water on her body.

"She could feel her lungs being filled with water.

"She gave up and let her body hit the bottom."

To be fair, she must have been quite fat.

Because that was like a mile...

"Suddenly, she felt an arm around her waist.

"She got pulled up and laid on the ground.

"She couldn't really open her eyes,

"she could just feel someone pounding on her chest.

"It was Mark.

"He was wet.

" 'Why did you do that?

" 'If you don't tell me what's wrong I'm going to throw you out again.' "

Also, that's not a threat to someone who just tried to commit suicide -

if you don't try to tell me why you try to kill yourself,

I'm going to kill you.

Thank you. Just prolonging the goal.

" 'OK,' Bianca said, 'describe your perfect girl.' "

Oh, yeah. Damn right.

"Mark looked surprised but then said,

" 'Sweet, funny, romantic and unselfish.'

" 'What about hot and big tits?' she said, and looked the other way.

" 'You think you're ugly, don't you?' he asked and laughed.

"But then he got serious and grabbed her.

"He hugged her and whispered in her ear,

" 'When I mean hot, I mean from the inside.' "

That is without a doubt the funniest thing I've ever written...

..in my entire life.

"When I mean hot, I mean..." What?

That's not... Hot?

"I mean big tits on the inside."

"I mean emotionally long legs."

SHE MOUTHS

"She smiled. 'Are you serious?' she asked. Mark nodded.

" 'Let's go home to my place. We need to get undressed.' "

I need to say one thing.

Like, everything I say in this entire thing is true.

I don't lie, I don't make anything up - this is all 100%...

If I did make something up, I would not make this up,

which also means I genuinely wrote the story when I was 13

and it's online, you can check it out.

I'm saying this so you that know the last two lines, I...

I wrote them, but, like, ages ago.

So, you can't really blame me.

I'm not taking responsibility for the last two lines.

Let's all just listen to them together...

and not judge.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

"Mark didn't even care that she was 13.

"It actually turned him on."

APPLAUSE

I don't know why I thought that Mark was going to read that

and be like, "Oh, my God.

"She gets me."

Right, sorry. Sometimes I lose track of things.

So, I was trying to pee on the guy...

Trying to pee on the guy and I was getting really frustrated.

I was getting really concerned and nervous

because I am genuinely really competitive.

I was getting more and more frustrated that I couldn't pee

on him, I did something weird.

Something that I've never...

I don't know why, it doesn't make any logical sense.

I went over and turned the lights off

and I went back in position.

And then...

I closed my eyes, which is stupid,

because I'd just turned the lights off.

And I don't know why, but for some reason it worked

and I started peeing, and I was so happy.

I was like, "Oh, my God. This is amazing.

"I am winning, I got the horse, got the horse, this is the best."

But you know how long it takes you to pee?

It's longer than you think.

You reach a point where you are just like...

"What's your name again?"

And because, because it took so...

Because it took so long, I kind of had time to think.

And I started feeling like...

Like maybe I wasn't winning. That maybe I had been tricked.

I started feeling really stupid,

because when you are competitive and you're being tricked,

that is worst thing in the world.

So I started feeling really bad

and I started feeling like I wasn't winning.

Actually, I was losing. It's, like, the worst kind of losing.

I felt devastated and I didn't know how I could ever get out of that.

So I waited until I was done and I felt,

"There is no way I will ever turn this around."

When I was done I stepped off

and I went back and I turned the lights on.

And this was his facial expression.

And I said, "What?"

And he said, "I genuinely didn't think you would do it."

And that's winning.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think that's the first time in my life I've actually won

and I'll tell you what that feeling of winning feels like.

Winning feels...

You can take this home with you -

winning feels like peeing on a guy

against his will,

but with his permission.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.