Adam Hess and Dane Baptiste Live from the BBC


Adam Hess and Dane Baptiste

Dane Baptiste and Adam Hess star in the latest episode of this stand-up comedy series.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language.

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CHEERING

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Yes, yes, yes! How are you doing? Are you well?

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Hello, very lovely to be here.

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My name is Adam Hess,

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I'm going to apologise now for the state of my voice.

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I went out a couple of nights ago, did a lot of shouting and drinking.

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Went to a very classy cocktail establishment, near here,

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called Wetherspoons,

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and it turns out I wasn't actually allowed into Wetherspoons

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when we got there because apparently I was too drunk for Wetherspoons!

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Apparently, that's a new rule they've got,

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the guy at the door was like, "Yeah, you guys aren't coming in,

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"you're way too pissed." Then we did that thing where we pretended

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we couldn't believe we'd been accused of drinking.

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We just went, "Huh?!"

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"I've never drank in my life!" LAUGHTER

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And he said, "Well, you're not coming in, you're too drunk."

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We walked away, but as we walked away we came up with this plan to

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swap clothes with each other,

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so that when we came back we looked like two new men.

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So, we walked back and what we thought was a really sober

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gentleman's walk, like...

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LAUGHTER

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And the guy said, "Guys, I heard you plan that."

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"You did it there, I saw you do it there."

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So, I spent all day yesterday hung-over with my new housemate.

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I live with this new guy, his name's Rhys, he's also a

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comedian and a thief...

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I thought it would be fun living with a comedian, it's not,

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it's exhausting, cos it's just joke, joke, joke, prank, prank,

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all the time!

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After just five days of living together, I had to insist on a

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prank ban because I thought someone's going to die here.

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He agreed to the prank ban, which was good.

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So, that night I hid under his bed...

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but while he was brushing his teeth, I hid underneath his

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bed to spook him, for when he came back, and I fell asleep.

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I'd say for at least an hour.

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When I woke up, like, I'd forgotten where I was - I thought I was in a

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coffin or something.

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I started screaming, he started screaming and I rolled out from

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under the bed, cos I was scared, but it coincided with him

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jumping out of the bed onto my body...

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He couldn't really see, cos it was dark and I'd never

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seen a naked man from beneath before...

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It was horrible and there was screaming, but it turned out

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when I screamed beneath his head, he didn't realise

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straight away it was me.

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He thought the screaming was coming from inside his own head.

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Horrible stuff!

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I normally just lie on stage and my friends call me out on how

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much I lie on stage and just call me a boy who cried wolf.

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All I'm thinking is boy who cried wolf...he's fucking famous now,

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he was nothing before that, he was just a crap chef

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but he's not going to get on telly.

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My housemate said, "When you do this thing at the BBC, try

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and say stuff that's more honest, personal to you, stuff you

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wouldn't normally tell people and you'd enjoy saying it more."

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So, I've made a list of stuff that's true, honest and personal to me,

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that I wouldn't normally tell people.

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I don't know how funny it is but if it's not, imagine it's a poem.

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OK, so, number one,

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I lie to important comedy producers about how good I am at stand-up.

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Hi, guys.

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Number two, I once bought £400 worth of DJ equipment to make sure

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I got invited to more parties. LAUGHTER

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Number three, whenever I'm on a date with a hot girl, I tell her she's

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got an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she's been

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laughing a lot. LAUGHTER

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Number four, I can't imagine the Queen with wet hair.

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I just can't imagine the Queen with wet hair!

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She must have washed it, she's the Queen!

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Number five, I had to shave off my massive beard recently, cos I found

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out that when girls say they find men with beards sexy,

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what they really mean is they find sexy men with beards sexy.

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Sorry, number six,

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the saddest I've ever been is a time I've shown anyone a YouTube video

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that I find really funny, but then halfway through

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they move the cursor to find out how long is left.

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Number seven, I hate other families' plates,

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I just hate other families' plates. I don't like the designs on them!

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Number eight, I had my 18th birthday on a riverboat on the Thames,

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and when everybody realised how shit it was, they couldn't leave.

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LAUGHTER

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Disco jail!

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Number nine, I learnt the hard way, it feels bizarrely inappropriate to

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say, "Hello, stranger," to an actual stranger.

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They don't like it!

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Number ten, I can't get my head around the fact that my cat

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has a grandad.

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So weird, imagine calling your cat Grandad - you wouldn't!

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What the fuck is the matter?! I've got a girlfriend!

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CHEERING Ah, you heard the list.

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I've got girlfriend, it's going very well, until 13 days ago when she

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dumped me but, oh, well, let's do some comedy!

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HE LAUGHS

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Her name's Lucy, short for Lucifer.

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She was so angry, but this is the most angry I've ever seen anyone.

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At one point she was

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so angry that she grabbed the scissors

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and cut something out of anger that I'm pretty sure nobody's cut

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out of anger.

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She grabbed the scissors and ran into what I thought would be

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my bedroom, to cut up my clothes, like a normal crazy person would.

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Oh, no, she ran into the bathroom,

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cut off the fucking light switch thing at the tip!

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LAUGHTER

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You can't buy them! There was nothing left up there...

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There was a little bit, but it's only pushing it further up!

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You can't unscrew that, that's part of the house!

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The only way to get a new string and a new bit is to buy a house!

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I'm not doing that!

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And the light was off and there's no window in there.

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I don't know if any of you have had to shower in pitch black before,

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it makes you feel like a murderer. My friends tired to cheer me up

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over the whole break-up situation and saying stuff like,

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"You're so lucky, all this stuff happens in your life.

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"Cos then you get to talk about it

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"on stage and it's good for your stand-up."

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As if this is worth it - it's not worth it!

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I could be the best stand-up in the world but the stuff

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I need to go through to think of it is nowhere near worth it.

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She hated the present I bought her!

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Cos my birthday present-buying rule is I only buy something

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for someone if I would also like to receive that thing myself, and she

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said that's selfish, cos that proves you want to use it.

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It's not, cos I don't want to fuck up my Amazon "things you may like"

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section that I've been spending years to perfect.

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I don't want to buy a cake-decorating kit

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and make Amazon go, "I don't know who you've become,

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you're on your own from now on!"

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It's so hard to buy presents and all your friends

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always think they're good at it,

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but they're bad and you know this because

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every time you've said something like,

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"I don't know what to get my dad for Christmas."

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They always say something like, "Well, what does he like?"

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As if you haven't thought to ask yourself that question?!

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So, whenever I ask that question, "I don't know what to get my dad

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"for Christmas this year."

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Whenever they say, "Well, what does he like?" I say, "cuff links".

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LAUGHTER

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"Get him some cuff links..." Shut up!

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The whole present thing brings so much unnecessary stress.

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I hate Christmas already, for many reasons. One reason, I was born

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on December 25th, which is horrible, yes, cos you don't get any extra

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attention or many extra presents. I got one birthday card last year,

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it was from an orang-utan I sponsored, called Seamus!

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On the front of the card was a picture of Seamus -

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how arrogant of Seamus!

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And he typed it, so he's doing all right for himself, isn't he?

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I thought the money was just for bananas. Oh, no!

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Another reason I hate Christmas, I'm not very rich,

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so I can't always reciprocate and buy everyone back who buys me stuff.

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So, I've had to start wrapping up my own things

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and pretending that I bought it.

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So, for me, now, Christmas is just time where I'm swapping

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five of my things that I like for five Lynx Africa gift sets.

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That's just soap, deodorant and a sponge.

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You get that for free in jail, I'm not going to jail every Christmas!

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OK, Lynx Africa gift sets, the Banksy book - I've been given the

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Banksy book three out of the last seven years from various aunties.

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I don't know why they're buying it for me!

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A, I hate books. B, I could BE Banksy. They don't know that.

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Also when I was five, I dropped and smashed a ceramic baby Jesus

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from the nativity set my parents have. So, now it looks like we

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worship a farm.

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I don't know if mums are, like, less strict nowadays

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but about a month ago I was on a train and there was a boy,

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five years old, being a dick-head.

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So, the mum gave him an iPad. What?!

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He was being badly behaved, so she gave him the best thing that has

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ever happened. Like, when I was five, if I was really good,

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then as a reward next time we went to Tesco my mum would let me

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stare at the fish in the fishmonger bit.

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LAUGHTER

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That was my reward for the entire week.

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If I was misbehaving, she'd say, "Adam, fish..."

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Yes, good one...

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We'd go to Tesco and say, "Fish, fish..."

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and I'd look at them and say, "Fish, yeah."

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I remember being so excited being near the fish,

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I actually poked it in the eye. I don't know why I did that.

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And my mum lost it, she went,

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"You are not to touch other people's food. You have to buy that!"

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But I was five, obviously, I had no finances.

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The way my mum got around it was saying,

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"The way you're going pay for that is, I was going to give you

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"£5 earlier but you're going to use it to buy that fish."

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So, I then cried, cos I wasn't going to get a £5 note that

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I didn't know I was going to get anyway.

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So, I was now walking around Tesco holding this fish, crying,

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this bit of white paper.

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We got to the till, my mum put everything on the till

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but then put down the divider, made me purchase my fish separately!

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Then, we were in the car and she made me have it on my lap and

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I was wearing shorts and it was quite cold on my thighs!

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Then, we went home and we got into the kitchen and Mum said,

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"I'm going to throw it away now." And I was like, "No, I love him!"

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Him, I don't know why I said that.

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It was a very weird thing.

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I was a very stupid child, I was very weird.

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This boy was quite a clever boy, this boy on the train,

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really annoying kid but it didn't matter, cos I was going to get off

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the train anyway.

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My next stop was coming up and I needed the lady next to me to move,

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so I could get off but instead of saying, "Sorry, my stop's coming up,

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"do you mind moving, so I can get off?"

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I made the noise that we all make in those situation, which is...

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Sejeber, yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Sejeber, does everybody know what sejeber means?

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I don't understand how on trains you have to make different noises.

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There's another one we do on trains, which is,

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let's say we're running for a train and it's just about to leave

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but you're running next to a stranger

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who's running for the same train.

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If you make it with one second to go, just after the doors shut,

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you have to look at each other like this...

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LAUGHTER Like...

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HE SIGHS As if to say... what are we like?

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LAUGHTER

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HE CHATTERS NONSENSICALLY

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HE BREATHES HEAVILY

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LAUGHTER

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All right, yeah.

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Well, thank you very much for coming.

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You've been very nice.

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My name is Adam Hess. See you later. Goodbye.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Wow.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you very much. Thank you.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you. Thank you.

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Thank you very much, guys. Oh, thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you so much.

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Yes, I'm Dane Baptiste.

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Thank you for coming to this recording of Live From The BBC.

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Let's see who we have here.

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I'm an '80s baby, don't know if you know that about myself.

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Any '80s babies in the room?

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CHEERING

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That's nice. Any '70s babies in the room?

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QUIETER CHEERING

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Cool, cool. Any '90s babies in the room?

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING All right!

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Go fuck yourselves!

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Woo, yeah! CHEERING

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All right! Yeah! Yeah.

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OK, no, that sounded harsh.

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I've got nothing against people born in the '90s,

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just that those of us born in the '70s and '80s,

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you guys remember going to school

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and every day

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praying for a snow day...

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LAUGHTER

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..that never fucking came.

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LAUGHTER

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And now it happens every single year.

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LAUGHTER

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And society shuts down.

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You just need to understand something, '90s babies...

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Back in the '80s...

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LAUGHTER

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..there used to be this thing called the ozone layer.

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LAUGHTER

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And we all worked very hard

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to destroy that for you...

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LAUGHTER

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..so you could enjoy these snow days.

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Cos, no, things weren't easy going to school in the '80s.

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It wasn't easy going to school in those days.

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We didn't have smartphones to send and receive

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naked pictures of each other, like you can now.

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LAUGHTER

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It wasn't easy. In my day, if you wanted to see somebody naked,

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you had to wait until after school or lunchtime...

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LAUGHTER ..by the cloakroom or a bike shed,

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get flashed,

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memorise that shit and then show off to your friends.

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Like, "That's right. I saw a vagina today."

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"Really, Dane? What did it look like?"

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"Oh, erm..."

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LAUGHTER

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"It was very complex. There's a...

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"a labia and...

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LAUGHTER "..the po... It was very dark in that cloakroom, OK?"

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LAUGHTER

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You need to understand that the resolution on our porn

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wasn't as good as it is now.

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You guys have got good porn. You got free porn.

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We didn't have that in the '80s, you know?

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Remember the good old days?

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You would take a porn magazine, read it,

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leave it in a bush, go to class

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come back...

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and that magazine would be in that same bush,

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cos people were decent back then!

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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Things have just changed now. Any guys here born in the '90s?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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Yeah. Look at you guys.

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LAUGHTER

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Probably never even seen

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pubic hair on a grown woman before, have you?

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LAUGHTER

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In the olden days, we didn't mind a bit of pubic hair in a grown woman.

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That's how you knew you were getting full frontal

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and it made Eurotrash all the more watchable. It was good days.

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In the good old days, we weren't scared of pubic hair.

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If you pulled down some knickers,

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you saw an Ewok doing a somersault, you went ahead.

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LAUGHTER Cos men were men.

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I've heard now that, when you turn 18,

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you get a chlamydia test right to your door.

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We didn't have that in my day. We weren't scared of STDs,

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we weren't worried about chlamydia, cos men were men.

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And you know something?

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If you caught it, you just drank a Lucozade

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and you walked it off.

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LAUGHTER

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Cos I'm a man. A strong man!

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APPLAUSE

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Good men. Proud men.

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That's what I can piece together from my childhood anyway.

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LAUGHTER

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So, I was brought up in South London.

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I was brought up in South London.

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-Woo!

-Yeah, cool.

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Thanks for that, you guys.

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I was born in South London, but my mum grew up in Yorkshire,

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my mum came from Yorkshire and she trained as a nurse,

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which meant she was a bit overprotective.

0:14:090:14:11

So I want to confess something to you guys,

0:14:110:14:13

cos I feel like we are all family now.

0:14:130:14:14

LAUGHTER

0:14:140:14:16

Erm...

0:14:160:14:17

..I never learned how to ride a bike.

0:14:180:14:21

-Awh!

-I don't need your... It's too late now.

0:14:210:14:23

LAUGHTER

0:14:230:14:25

I never learned how to ride a bike, cos my mum said

0:14:250:14:27

if I rode a bike in London, I'd come out the house,

0:14:270:14:29

get hit by a car and I would die

0:14:290:14:31

and, after 14 hours of labour,

0:14:310:14:32

if anybody was going to kill me, it was going to be her, so...

0:14:320:14:35

So I never learned to ride a bike,

0:14:350:14:37

which meant I couldn't do normal childhood things.

0:14:370:14:40

That's what you do when you're a child.

0:14:400:14:41

You ride your bikes, go to the park,

0:14:410:14:43

hang out with friends on council estates

0:14:430:14:44

and throw stones at paedophiles' windows.

0:14:440:14:46

And I missed out on all of that

0:14:460:14:48

wholesome fun...

0:14:480:14:49

My mum said, "The only way you're going to ride a bike

0:14:510:14:53

"is if you wear a helmet and kneepads."

0:14:530:14:54

This was the '80s, where child safety was a myth.

0:14:540:14:57

LAUGHTER

0:14:570:14:59

You couldn't wear any kind of protection.

0:14:590:15:00

If you wore a helmet,

0:15:000:15:02

that's like wearing a condom that protects you from friendship, so...

0:15:020:15:05

LAUGHTER

0:15:050:15:06

I couldn't do that.

0:15:060:15:08

That's the thing. As a child, I couldn't tell people

0:15:080:15:10

I couldn't ride a bike, cos I didn't want to be embarrassed.

0:15:100:15:13

But the worst thing is, as a society,

0:15:130:15:14

we always try to relate new experiences to each other by saying,

0:15:140:15:17

"It's easy once you get the hang of it. It's just like riding a bike."

0:15:170:15:20

I can't fucking ride a bike, so that analogy...

0:15:200:15:22

LAUGHTER

0:15:220:15:23

..never applied to my life.

0:15:230:15:25

It meant I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do,

0:15:250:15:27

in order to save myself from embarrassment.

0:15:270:15:29

I had to take swimming lessons.

0:15:290:15:31

They were like, "Oh, Dane! You'll love swimming.

0:15:310:15:33

"It's a great way of getting exercise, perfect for the cardio."

0:15:330:15:36

I said, "I don't want to do swimming lessons,

0:15:360:15:38

"cos the chlorine gets in my eyes, and it stinks."

0:15:380:15:40

They were like, "No, Dane. Swimming is easy once you get the hang of it.

0:15:400:15:43

"It's just like riding a bike." LAUGHTER

0:15:430:15:46

It meant I had to take swimming lessons.

0:15:460:15:47

Anybody here take swimming lessons?

0:15:470:15:49

CHEERING You took swimming lessons?

0:15:490:15:51

But do you go home every night and pray for a verruca?

0:15:510:15:53

LAUGHTER

0:15:530:15:54

No, cos that was MY life.

0:15:540:15:55

I also had to learn German in school.

0:15:570:15:59

I didn't want to do that either.

0:15:590:16:00

They were like, "Dane, you should learn German.

0:16:000:16:02

"It's a great tool and it's a very useful and logical language."

0:16:020:16:05

And I said, "I don't want to learn German,

0:16:050:16:07

"because not very many countries in this world speak that language.

0:16:070:16:10

"Also, I just came from History class and, apparently,

0:16:100:16:12

"they don't like people like me that much."

0:16:120:16:14

And they were like, "No, Dane. You'll love German.

0:16:190:16:22

"It's very easy once you get the hang of it."

0:16:220:16:24

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

0:16:240:16:26

You guys might not understand that,

0:16:290:16:31

but that shit's fucking hilarious.

0:16:310:16:32

Does anyone here speak German?

0:16:340:16:36

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

0:16:360:16:37

Most people might know what...

0:16:370:16:40

I told you, I know it. Seriously.

0:16:400:16:41

LAUGHTER

0:16:410:16:42

You guys might know a few words. You know what "ein" means.

0:16:420:16:45

-One.

-Yeah, you know what "nein" means.

0:16:450:16:47

No.

0:16:470:16:48

You know how many other people I've met throughout my life

0:16:480:16:51

who also spoke German?

0:16:510:16:52

Ein.

0:16:520:16:53

LAUGHTER

0:16:530:16:54

Are we still friends?

0:16:540:16:55

Nein.

0:16:550:16:57

LAUGHTER

0:16:570:16:58

So I also had to go...

0:17:010:17:02

I had to join the Cub Scouts as well.

0:17:020:17:04

Any Cub Scouts in the room?

0:17:040:17:06

Woo!

0:17:060:17:07

Yeah, one person. Er...

0:17:070:17:09

For those of you who don't know how Cub Scouts works,

0:17:090:17:11

it's similar to a gang.

0:17:110:17:12

Like, we got colours, but those colours...

0:17:120:17:14

LAUGHTER

0:17:140:17:15

We've got colours, but those colours are located on your woggle,

0:17:150:17:19

with your little scarf...

0:17:190:17:20

LAUGHTER

0:17:200:17:22

And then you gets some tweed hot pants as well.

0:17:240:17:27

LAUGHTER

0:17:270:17:28

Which, as a child, is like wearing a punchbag. And...

0:17:280:17:30

LAUGHTER

0:17:300:17:32

..because I was in the Cub Scouts, that meant I had to go camping.

0:17:320:17:34

They were like, "Dane, you should come camping. It's great.

0:17:340:17:37

"You get back in touch with nature, you get in the great outdoors."

0:17:370:17:40

I said, "I don't need to do that.

0:17:400:17:41

"My parents came from an island where they grew up with no shoes.

0:17:410:17:44

"So me going would just be taking a step back."

0:17:440:17:46

LAUGHTER

0:17:460:17:47

And they were like, "No, Dane.

0:17:480:17:50

"Camping is a great way of learning about surviving.

0:17:500:17:52

"It's easy once you get the hang of it.

0:17:520:17:54

"It's just like riding a bike."

0:17:540:17:55

LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:56

So I had to go camping and I had to share a tent

0:17:560:17:58

with a guy called Paul Williamson.

0:17:580:18:01

And Paul shit himself.

0:18:010:18:03

LAUGHTER

0:18:030:18:04

A lot. LAUGHTER

0:18:040:18:07

Has anyone here been to Vietnam?

0:18:070:18:08

LAUGHTER

0:18:080:18:09

Me neither. But when you're in a tent and you see a man's tears

0:18:090:18:12

and smell his faeces, that's pretty fucking close.

0:18:120:18:14

LAUGHTER

0:18:140:18:16

So I worked out that, you know, very early on in my life that,

0:18:180:18:21

you know, my mother was trying to destroy me...

0:18:210:18:25

cos not only did she make me do all of these things,

0:18:250:18:27

she also had the nerve

0:18:270:18:28

to bring another child into the world the same time as me,

0:18:280:18:31

because I have a twin sister.

0:18:310:18:34

Now, some of you are trying to conjure what she might look like.

0:18:340:18:36

Don't bother, because I take after my mother.

0:18:360:18:38

And she takes after Satan and...

0:18:380:18:41

LAUGHTER

0:18:410:18:42

I had to share everything with my sister.

0:18:440:18:46

Birthday money, pocket money, Christmas money,

0:18:460:18:48

friends, McNuggets.

0:18:480:18:50

That's not being born a twin...

0:18:500:18:51

That's being born divorced. It's horrible.

0:18:510:18:54

LAUGHTER

0:18:540:18:56

But that's the thing. When I tell people I have a twin,

0:18:570:19:00

I always get asked one of two questions.

0:19:000:19:02

The first question is, "Oh, you have a twin sister!

0:19:020:19:04

"Are you identical?"

0:19:040:19:06

LAUGHTER

0:19:060:19:08

I know some of you are wondering

0:19:110:19:12

what kind of person would ask that type of question.

0:19:120:19:15

Have you guys ever bought a cup of coffee

0:19:150:19:16

and on the side of the cup, it says,

0:19:160:19:18

"Caution. Contents may be hot"?

0:19:180:19:20

LAUGHTER

0:19:200:19:21

You think, "Obviously, it's a cup of coffee.

0:19:210:19:23

"Who the hell is this warning there for?"

0:19:230:19:25

It's for those people.

0:19:250:19:26

Or, if anyone has ever bought a Snickers bar, and it says,

0:19:300:19:32

"Caution. May contain nuts or traces of nuts."

0:19:320:19:34

And you think,

0:19:340:19:36

"Obviously, it's a Snickers bar - that's what I bought it for.

0:19:360:19:38

"Who the hell is this warning there for?"

0:19:380:19:41

It's for those people. LAUGHTER

0:19:410:19:43

If any of you are in here tonight, we are not identical,

0:19:430:19:46

because she has a vagina.

0:19:460:19:47

LAUGHTER

0:19:470:19:48

I mean, I say she has a vagina.

0:19:500:19:51

I've not seen it for a long time. Erm...

0:19:510:19:53

LAUGHTER

0:19:530:19:54

Obviously.

0:19:540:19:55

LAUGHTER

0:19:550:19:57

That's the thing. I'm sure she has a vagina,

0:19:570:19:59

cos I'm not sure if, you know, genitals work the same way

0:19:590:20:02

that teeth do. You know, you get a baby set and then that falls out...

0:20:020:20:05

LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:07

..and then the adult set grows in. But...

0:20:070:20:10

that would be good if that could happen,

0:20:100:20:12

because we've all been at a party and met somebody and thought,

0:20:120:20:15

"That guy is a real dick. He must be overcompensating for something.

0:20:150:20:18

"He must have a small penis."

0:20:180:20:19

Wouldn't it be so much nicer if somebody came up and was like,

0:20:190:20:22

"Hey, guys. I'm really sorry about Cliff.

0:20:220:20:24

"His baby penis fell off last week..."

0:20:240:20:27

"If he seems a bit cranky, it's because he's sheathing,

0:20:270:20:29

"but, as soon as his adult penis comes through..."

0:20:290:20:32

"I'm sure he'll be fine. I'm really sorry."

0:20:320:20:35

LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:36

I'm just saying that puberty would have been a lot more bearable,

0:20:360:20:39

as a girl, you could think yourself,

0:20:390:20:41

"These are just my baby breasts. These will fall off.

0:20:410:20:43

"My adult breasts will grow in and then the good times will begin."

0:20:430:20:46

LAUGHTER

0:20:460:20:47

No, I would feel a lot better if I could be with a girl and be like,

0:20:470:20:50

"Oh, baby, this? Don't worry about this. This is...

0:20:500:20:52

"this is just my baby penis. This is..."

0:20:520:20:54

LAUGHTER

0:20:540:20:55

"It's going to fall off and then...

0:20:560:20:58

"my adult penis will grow in and then the good times will begin."

0:20:580:21:01

LAUGHTER

0:21:010:21:03

I can't wait for my wisdom dick to come through, though, cos...

0:21:030:21:06

LAUGHTER

0:21:060:21:08

APPLAUSE

0:21:080:21:10

Lord knows I've made mistakes. I have.

0:21:100:21:11

I've made mistakes.

0:21:130:21:14

The more you think about it, there's probably a good reason

0:21:160:21:18

why you don't get baby genitals and adult genitals.

0:21:180:21:20

Cos you know when your baby teeth fall out,

0:21:200:21:22

the tooth fairy comes and collects those and leaves you some money.

0:21:220:21:25

Can you imagine the mythical creature

0:21:250:21:28

they'd have to come up with...

0:21:280:21:29

LAUGHTER

0:21:290:21:30

..that has to go around collecting people's genitals?

0:21:300:21:33

How they would be viewed by other mythical creatures

0:21:330:21:35

at dinner parties?

0:21:350:21:37

Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny in the corner, like,

0:21:370:21:39

"Oh my God. Look who just showed up."

0:21:390:21:41

LAUGHTER

0:21:410:21:44

"What is wrong with this guy?

0:21:440:21:45

"You know he actually walks around with a sack of baby dicks?

0:21:450:21:47

"Like, what the...?

0:21:470:21:49

"What's wrong with him? I mean... No."

0:21:490:21:51

"I know I'm not perfect, Easter Bunny,

0:21:510:21:53

"but at least I'm not a cock goblin".

0:21:530:21:54

"Excuse me!

0:21:540:21:55

"Excuse me! I'm a Penis Pixie and I've got a job to do."

0:21:550:21:58

LAUGHTER

0:21:580:21:59

"You only work one day a year, Father Christmas.

0:21:590:22:02

"Well, whatever you say. Enjoy your clit and mix.

0:22:020:22:04

"Ah, go fuck yourself, Father Christmas!"

0:22:040:22:06

LAUGHTER

0:22:060:22:07

LAUGHTER

0:22:110:22:13

I reali...I realise I may have overthought that scenario somewhat.

0:22:130:22:16

LAUGHTER

0:22:160:22:18

So I do overthink things.

0:22:180:22:20

And that is not my fault, because my mother was a bit of a hypochondriac,

0:22:200:22:23

as a nurse, and, also, she was a Catholic.

0:22:230:22:25

Any Catholics in the room, by the way?

0:22:250:22:27

-Woo!

-Yeah!

0:22:270:22:28

Don't feel ashamed. You know, that's a thing.

0:22:280:22:30

LAUGHTER

0:22:300:22:32

The thing is... For those of you who don't know, Catholicism...

0:22:320:22:35

In Catholicism, we believe in an unbroken apostolic succession

0:22:350:22:39

and transubstantiation.

0:22:390:22:41

Yes. Which I know sounds boring,

0:22:410:22:43

when you compare it to the other entertainer religions,

0:22:430:22:46

like Kabbalah, they've got mysticism and jewellery

0:22:460:22:48

and Madonna and...

0:22:480:22:49

Then you've got Scientology,

0:22:490:22:51

with the spaceships and the lasers

0:22:510:22:53

and John Travolta and Tom Cruise.

0:22:530:22:55

All right. What have we got in Catholicism? Like...?

0:22:550:22:57

Mel Gibson?

0:22:570:22:59

LAUGHTER All right, no. But we do have...

0:22:590:23:01

We do have alcohol in our place of worship.

0:23:010:23:03

Yeah, and a ban on condoms,

0:23:030:23:06

so every weekend is like being in Magaluf. Am I right, guys?

0:23:060:23:08

LAUGHTER Woo, yeah!

0:23:080:23:10

That's right. That is right!

0:23:100:23:11

APPLAUSE

0:23:110:23:13

Now he's back in the room. Back in the room.

0:23:130:23:15

No, but I...

0:23:170:23:18

LAUGHTER

0:23:180:23:20

..I get why people aren't hot on religion nowadays.

0:23:200:23:23

Cos some of the stories are kind of far-fetched,

0:23:230:23:25

you know, in Christianity.

0:23:250:23:27

Like, in the old Testament, you have Adam kicking things off.

0:23:270:23:30

In the new Testament, Jesus takes over

0:23:300:23:32

and then he becomes the focal point of the entire religion,

0:23:320:23:35

which must cause some sibling rivalry of biblical proportions.

0:23:350:23:38

LAUGHTER

0:23:380:23:39

Cos I imagine, by now, Jesus is very arrogant towards his older brother.

0:23:390:23:42

Can you imagine him coming home every night with his ego.

0:23:420:23:45

"Yea, Gabriel.

0:23:450:23:46

"Luke, yea, loaves and fishes. Er.."

0:23:460:23:49

LAUGHTER

0:23:490:23:51

"Adam?

0:23:540:23:55

"What are you do...? Oh. What are you doing here?

0:23:550:23:58

"Not busy, I see. Ah, this is awkward. OK.

0:23:580:24:01

"Erm, let me tell you about my day.

0:24:010:24:03

"Just had another place of worship built in my name in South America,

0:24:030:24:06

"so a very good day."

0:24:060:24:07

"Oh, well, this is bullshit!

0:24:070:24:09

"Nobody builds a place of worship in my name, and I was here first!"

0:24:090:24:11

"That's because you caused the fall of Man, Adam!"

0:24:110:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:15

"You know, I've never heard anyone say YOUR name

0:24:170:24:19

"during am orgasm, Adam."

0:24:190:24:21

LAUGHTER

0:24:210:24:23

MAN LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE

0:24:230:24:25

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:250:24:27

That actually sounded like God was cracking up at that joke.

0:24:330:24:35

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:24:350:24:37

If you didn't find that funny, you hate our Lord and Saviour, so...

0:24:390:24:42

LAUGHTER

0:24:420:24:43

"Yes." HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

0:24:430:24:45

"Adam is a sideman."

0:24:450:24:47

LAUGHTER

0:24:470:24:50

The other question you get asked, when you tell people

0:24:500:24:52

you have a twin, they always used to say to me,

0:24:520:24:54

"Oh, Dane, you have a twin.

0:24:540:24:56

"Which one of you is the evil twin?"

0:24:560:24:58

LAUGHTER

0:24:580:24:59

Let me ask you guys a question.

0:24:590:25:01

Which one of us came all the way here

0:25:010:25:02

to share his hopes and dreams with you, with his first BBC special?

0:25:020:25:05

And which one of us is at home, drinking rose,

0:25:050:25:07

watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians?

0:25:070:25:09

So it's very clear who the evil twin is.

0:25:090:25:12

And I would have loved to settle my differences with my sister,

0:25:120:25:14

but I can't hit her, because she's my sister and she is a girl

0:25:140:25:17

and that would be wrong.

0:25:170:25:19

But what she would do is use psychological warfare

0:25:190:25:21

to get me in trouble with my parents...

0:25:210:25:23

My parents would say something like,

0:25:230:25:25

"Dane's Sister, you're not doing very well in school.

0:25:250:25:27

"Can you explain these grades?" She'd go, "Explain those grades?

0:25:270:25:30

"Why doesn't Dane explain why he's going to school with condoms

0:25:300:25:33

"at 14 years old and his girlfriend's on the Pill?"

0:25:330:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:37

That's not something you tell your parents, because that means

0:25:370:25:39

you have to have the sex conversation with them, which some

0:25:390:25:42

may have had. There's some young ladies here. Maybe your dad

0:25:420:25:45

had that conversation with you, where he was like,

0:25:450:25:47

"Darling, I realise you're becoming a woman now

0:25:470:25:49

"and aware of your sexuality,

0:25:490:25:50

"so, as your father, what I'm going to do is

0:25:500:25:52

"send you to a convent on the moon."

0:25:520:25:54

LAUGHTER

0:25:540:25:55

"It's just the right thing to do."

0:26:000:26:01

My problem is that my mother was a nurse, so she thought

0:26:020:26:05

she knew everything and wanted to have an open and frank conversation.

0:26:050:26:08

So she'd call me and be like, "Dane, Dane. Come here.

0:26:080:26:10

"Dane, I realise you're becoming a man now

0:26:100:26:12

"and experiencing your sexuality.

0:26:120:26:13

"I don't know why, Dane. Your voice hasn't broken

0:26:130:26:16

"and you don't have any pubic hair." "Really, Mum?"

0:26:160:26:18

"All I'm saying is, Dane, if you can't iron a shirt properly,

0:26:180:26:20

"how are you going to satisfy a woman?"

0:26:200:26:22

LAUGHTER

0:26:220:26:24

APPLAUSE

0:26:240:26:26

"Dane, I know you have a lot of questions, OK? I picked you up

0:26:260:26:28

"this leaflet from work, which will let you know how everything goes."

0:26:280:26:31

Anyone who remembers the '90s, sex education and those leaflets,

0:26:310:26:34

it would be like...

0:26:340:26:35

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Hey, stud! You've discovered sex!

0:26:350:26:37

"Lucky you. This is going to be wicked!"

0:26:370:26:39

Cos that's how people spoke back then. Erm...

0:26:390:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:42

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Sex is really fun, especially with somebody you love.

0:26:420:26:45

"It's just like flying -

0:26:450:26:46

"takes a while to get the hang of, but you get used to it.

0:26:460:26:49

"It's just like riding a bike." LAUGHTER

0:26:490:26:51

HE SIGHS

0:26:550:26:57

I...I just noticed, actually, that I...

0:26:570:26:59

I called my sister, "Dane's Sister".

0:26:590:27:01

Did you want to know her name?

0:27:020:27:04

Well, I'm not telling you.

0:27:040:27:05

I'm not sharing my BBC special with her,

0:27:050:27:07

as well as everything else I had to share my entire life!

0:27:070:27:09

It doesn't matter.

0:27:090:27:11

LAUGHTER

0:27:120:27:13

Everything.

0:27:150:27:16

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Dane Baptiste.

0:27:170:27:19

Thank you for making this special VERY special.

0:27:190:27:22

You've been amazing. Thanks for your patience. And...

0:27:220:27:24

Yeah, man. I guess I'll see you around when it comes out.

0:27:240:27:26

Hopefully, it will do well and you will have to pay more to see me.

0:27:260:27:29

Just kidding. LAUGHTER

0:27:290:27:30

You guys are cool. I've been Dane Baptiste.

0:27:300:27:32

Thank you very much for listening. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:320:27:35

Dane Baptiste, best newcomer nominee at the 2014 Foster's Edinburgh Comedy Awards, stars in the latest episode of this stand-up comedy series. Baptiste reveals the daily struggles of being a non-cyclist and also touches on the downside of having an evil twin sister. Joining Baptiste is Adam Hess who gives the audience some honest confessions about his past relationships.


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