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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
Thank you so much! | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
Thank you so much! | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
Thank you! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:51 | |
I never want you to stop clapping. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:52 | |
Now, what's the best thing that's ever happened to me? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Oh, God, I miss it. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
Now it's my turn. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Thank you so much for having me. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
I'm going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
I'm 35 years old. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:07 | |
That's not the bad thing, unless you're trying to get me pregnant. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
I'm 35, which is the oldest I've ever been, and, look, | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
I'm enjoying ageing. We're supposed to hate ourselves, but I don't. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
I'm really enjoying it. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
I feel more confident and I know myself better, | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
but what's been happening is I've started remembering things - | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
memories from adolescence, things I've completely forgotten - | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
they're dropping back into my brain fully formed | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
and I remember something about a year and a half ago. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
I'm going to tell you this as the first thing | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
cos it's going to make you not like me | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
and then I'm going to try and win you back. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
Doesn't always work! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:43 | |
So basically what I'd forgotten, | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
but then I remembered... So when I was 18, | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
I didn't have very much money, | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn't have | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
very much money, either, so what we would do, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
we went to parties, we had a system | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
in exchange for a gram of cocaine... | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
..which we would then both take! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back, | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
I cannot believe that I did that. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
It is such an unethical drug. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course, | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
I don't think that that was an appropriate system. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
I don't think that system is OK, but when I was 18, | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I'm 35, | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
They're so young, it's such a formative stage. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
I look back and I see I was a terrible friend. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
I never told her to do that, | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
and I wanted to apologise to Shelley, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
but we're not really in touch any more | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
because people don't tend to invite their pimp to their wedding. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
So I had to kind of write her a message | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
and the beginning of the message was what I've just said to you. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
"Oh, I've forgotten, | 0:02:59 | 0:03:00 | |
"but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties, | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
"you'd give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
"I should have dissuaded you | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
"or suggested we got part-time work | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
"and I feel really sorry about this now," and I said, | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
"Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you're really happy," | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
cos I thought she would say it was fine | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like, | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
"Maybe she does hate me now," and then I checked back | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
about a week later and she'd deleted it off her wall. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
So there's just no way of knowing. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing, | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
this is the point I'm trying to make - | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
I want to be a good person. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:43 | |
I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
but the more I think about anything, | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
whether you're a good person or not | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
and also the terms "bad" and "good", they're subjective. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
They mean different things to different people. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Most people agree Stalin, "Oh, very bad," | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
but if you were a gulag maker... | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
..you'd be into him. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, "Oh, very good." | 0:04:06 | 0:04:12 | |
If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so... | 0:04:12 | 0:04:16 | |
So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
there's sensible arguments on both sides | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
and I don't think we talk enough about that now. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
I don't really understand it. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:28 | |
Everyone I know from comedy's really intelligent | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
and they know their own minds and half of my friends, | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
they're all talking about how the EU are creating our laws | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
and we hadn't elected them and that's undemocratic | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
and then the other half are saying, "But if we actually leave, | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
"our economy is going to get even weaker, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
"the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable," | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
and I'm thinking, "How can you be making a decision | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
"between the economy and democracy?" | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
It's like they said to us all, "Guys, your house is on fire, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
"but if you put it out, gravity will stop working." | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Good luck! What?! | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
You know when you were little, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
you would go to sleepovers and play this game | 0:05:05 | 0:05:06 | |
called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn't want. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
You just had to choose which one you didn't want the least. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
"Would you rather have massive hands | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
"but they're not attached to your body | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
"or tiny hands but they're strangling you? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
"Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you're racist." What?! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
It's too hard. Why are you asking us? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
sometimes it can be... Basically, Uber. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Now, most of you will know what Uber is, | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
but just in case you don't, it's a taxi but with judgment. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
Oh, you get a review at the end. I've only got four stars on Uber. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:46 | |
I've lost one and I don't know how, but I sat there quietly, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant, | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
But they have a really aggressive business model. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Lots of these companies do now | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
and so it's that thing of the short term vs the long term. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
In the long term, basically, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
Uber don't pay tax here. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
but in the short term, | 0:06:13 | 0:06:14 | |
it's brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
and also it's marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer - | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
the fact that more people are getting cabs home, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
the fact the driver comes to where you're standing | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
about who's coming to pick you up | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank, | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
have taken the scariest photographs that they can. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:39 | |
There must be a competition in the office. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
They're always on their phone from below | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
with eyes like they hate you | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
and you're only ever asking for one because you're scared | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
cos it's half-two in the morning | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
and you're pissed and you're thinking, | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
"Oh, no, it's really very dodgy round here. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
I'm going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber," | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
and then you press it and it goes, "Arnab's on his way." | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
"Shit." | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
Cos this guy's definitely coming to kill me. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
And you can see where he is cos there's a little map. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
You can see him in his tiny car. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
He's only a minute away, he's just turning around from the knife shop. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
You know you've only got 60 seconds to get out of there. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
So you're fretting, like, "Oh, no, what shall I do? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
"Shall I flag down a stranger's car and ask him to rescue me? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
"What if that guy is a murderer? | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
"At least with Arnab, there's a paper trail. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
"If I go missing, he'll be the first person they'll check with. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
"I better wait." | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
And by then, he's arrived and then to check that it's him, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
because of the angle he's taken the photo at, | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
to check that it's him, you have to bend down and look upwards. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. "Arnab?" | 0:07:40 | 0:07:46 | |
And often, by then, it's too late. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
I'm being very naughty. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
I shouldn't be scaremongering about Uber. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
I only actually know one person | 0:07:53 | 0:07:54 | |
who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
That was my sister and she's lied about this kind of thing before. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
No, this sounds like it's bad on her. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Everyone in my family, we're all liars. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
We're the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
and we never, ever admit that something's not true, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
no matter what evidence you have. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:13 | |
So I'll give you an example and to be fair to them, I'll give you | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
a me example cos they're angry with me with how much I talk about them. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
"Rub that bit out!" So, to be fair to them, I'll give you a me example. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time, | 0:08:24 | 0:08:30 | |
I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
with an EastEnders storyline | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
and I told my sister that I was her real mum. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
She still doesn't know that I'm not and I'll never let her find out | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
and I'm only 18 months older than her so I've had to tell | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
because I've found that the truth hurts more. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
apart from there's one lie that I told him, but it was accidental. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
So when we first got together, I told him that before we'd met, | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:13 | |
Back story - I watched a film when I was about eight | 0:09:13 | 0:09:19 | |
and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
and so my ears pricked up at this mention | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
and I didn't even watch the end of the film, | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
I just ran through my house looking for an adult | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
that I could ask about it. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Now, looking back, I don't know why he was in my house. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
I'm really suspicious about it, but it's, like, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
too late to do anything about it now, like, "Repress it! | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
"Stop thinking about it! Why didn't he have a shirt on? I don't know! | 0:09:48 | 0:09:54 | |
"I don't know!" Everyone's divorced now, it's fine. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
It doesn't matter. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, "Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:04 | |
"how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?" | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
And he was obviously a little bit thrown | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, "Oh... | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
"Oh, yeah, that's when you're on an aeroplane | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
"and you go to the toilet for a long time." | 0:10:14 | 0:10:19 | |
Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years, | 0:10:23 | 0:10:27 | |
which means that every time I've been asked in my life, | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
which is probably about seven or eight times, | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
"Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?" | 0:10:32 | 0:10:36 | |
I've always answered in the same way by going, "Yes, every time I fly! | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
"I think it's the nerves!" | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
I'm going to say something in about 30 seconds and it's, erm, sexist. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:52 | |
I'm about to say something that's quite sexist, | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
but you have to understand that I know that it's sexist | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
so it's OK cos that is the system. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine, | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do, | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
which I don't mind and he's all right with it, | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
but in the olden days, in the '80s, there used to be this system | 0:11:08 | 0:11:15 | |
where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:19 | |
Now, I'm not saying that I agree with that. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
The idea that a woman is economically dependent | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
on a man is disgusting. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
The idea that a man expects sex just because he's paid is awful, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
but what is worse is that it doesn't work the other way round. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:34 | |
Well, what I've found is if it is the woman that's paid for dinner | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
and the weekly shop and the electricity bill, | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
oh, then he never puts out because apparently you've emasculated him | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
by asking for a thank-you dance. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Double standards! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
It's not fair and so this is true, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
I don't think me and my boyfriend have enough sex. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
1-0. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:00 | |
And so I'm trying to... I'm trying to spice things up. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:06 | |
I'm trying to seduce him, that's what I want to do. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
What I do when I'm in the mood for lovemaking, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body - head to toe. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
No, it's too high! | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
This is seduction, not a '90s pop star breakdown. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then, | 0:12:19 | 0:12:24 | |
in order to let him know in a subtle way, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
I don't rinse the bath. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Yeah! | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
He knows what I'm saying! | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Erm, if you are sitting there thinking, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
"Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself," | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
wait till you hear this next thing. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
At Christmas, we got presents for each other. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
I don't know why I'm explaining. "You know, Christmas presents..." | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
"Ever heard of Christmas presents?" Well, we did it one year. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:55 | |
We're crazy. Now, he opened my present first. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
and I'd never been on that kind of holiday before, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
I'd never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
and it was an electric toothbrush. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Hmm. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
I waited for him to finish and then I was like, "Oh, are you all right?" | 0:13:22 | 0:13:27 | |
And he was like, "No, I'm really embarrassed | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
"about the discrepancy in our presents. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
"Just please promise me you'll never tell anyone about this." | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
and my initial response was wrong. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
So you think my present is a better or bigger present | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
cos it's more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
Seven days, even if they are amazing days, | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
seven days - done, gone forever. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
An electric toothbrush, | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
that is something that I use every single day to masturbate. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
Guys! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
It's a great present! I don't use it as a toothbrush any more. | 0:13:56 | 0:14:02 | |
I'm not disgusting. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
I just don't brush my teeth. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
I don't need to, I'm too happy. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
I'm happy all of the time. I'm telling you all my secrets. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
Another thing, I went away for about a month. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
Oh, yeah, he'd taken out a life insurance policy on me | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
and he's behaving like this is a normal thing | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
people do in relationships, like it's a stage that you get to. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
"Oh, Sara, how's it going with John?" | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
I'm like, "Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
"We're at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
"if the other one dies." I want him to cancel it. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Also, I don't think I need it. I can't... | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
I just don't think I'm going to die. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
It just doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd do. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
It's a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
"Stop it, it's creepy," | 0:14:54 | 0:14:55 | |
and he's, like, being all defensive, like, | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
"No, Sara, think about it - if something was to happen to you, | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
"I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own," | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
right, which does sound sensible. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Callous, but sensible, | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
until I tell you that we don't own a property. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
We rent a flat like everybody else. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
That mortgage is something he's getting later on | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
with his winnings if something was to happen to me, | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
but this is the thing about falling in love, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
which is something that obviously every single person does. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
We fall in love. We don't wait until we know everything about someone | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
and then decide, "That's it, you deserve my heart." | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
and then you continue to learn new things | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
and some of those things are great. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:34 | |
They're like cute faces and funny noises and... | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
Oh, look, my boyfriend, | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
he collects Nectar points like it's a computer game, | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
like deadly serious, and he never spends them | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out | 0:15:46 | 0:15:51 | |
are just like, "Oh, no! It's too late, I love you now!" | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
My boyfriend doesn't like dogs. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ohhh... | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
Thank you for that appropriate reaction. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
He doesn't like dogs, I found out about eight months in. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
He doesn't think that they're handsome | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
or want to pet them and won't let me get one. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
My ambition my entire life | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:23 | |
"Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is..." | 0:16:23 | 0:16:30 | |
But it's bittersweet, like... | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
"I can get a dog now." | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 | |
So what I'm trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing, | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
I get it, it's just that money is his dogs. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
So what we're doing at the moment - | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about - | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
trying to make a baby, get pregnant. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Now, I hate all of the language around this. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
Essentially, all it means you're having sex without a condom on, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
like it's the '90s, but we've been trying for about 2½ years, | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
is a lot like learning a language | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
in that it is much easier when you are a child. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
I was the girl you heard about in rumours. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
I got pregnant from a toilet seat. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
I got pregnant from borrowing a boy's towel | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
and now it's so much more difficult | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
and there's all this stuff that you're supposed to do | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
if you're trying to get pregnant. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
If you're the woman, you're not supposed to drink alcohol. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
If you're a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
and you turn up to see your friends and be like, | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
"Oh, no, I'm not drinking tonight," they assume you're already pregnant. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
It's going to be awkward in three months - | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
everyone's giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
It's so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca, | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
no conversation. Also, you're not supposed to drink caffeine. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
You're not allowed to have coffee. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:51 | |
How am I going to get pregnant if I'm angry or asleep? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
And I've had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
and they look like pregnancy tests. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
They cost nine quid each, they're so expensive | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
a picture of itself, like, "I can get myself pregnant. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
"What's your problem?" | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Then you have to wee on it, | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
which is hard when something's that expensive. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
You have to wee on it and also for ages, | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
like, much longer than you think - like, 13 minutes. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
You wee on it and then you put the lid back on. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
It's supposed to think for two minutes and then come up | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
with where you are in your ovulatory cycle | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
so you don't waste the one sex you have a month | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
and all that happens when I've done it | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
is it just comes up with a picture of a book, | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
which means that I've done it wrong | 0:18:37 | 0:18:38 | |
and I need to reread the instructions, | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
and then I break it cos I'm angry | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
and I'm sitting there holding broken bits of plastic, | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking, | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
"Could I really keep another human alive?" | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
So I've got this fun thing. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
I've got polycystic ovaries or PCOS | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
and that's very, very common and lots of women have it. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
What is means is that your ovaries make an egg | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
and then rather than going anywhere, | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
What this means is you have a higher than you should have | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
level of testosterone in your system, | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
which does mean that you have an increased sex drive, | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
but it also means that no-one will have sex with you | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
because of your fine beard and moustache. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
Nature is amazing! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
And this is the thing - the longer you go without having children, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
and I'm aware they always mean really well. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
It comes from a really good place. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
My younger sisters and my friends are having kids. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
They're all having this wonderful time, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
they don't want anyone to miss out on this experience, | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
but my problem with that | 0:19:38 | 0:19:39 | |
is the experience they are having is subjective. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
It's personal to them. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences, | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
like I've been on QI. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
I have never, ever said to anybody, like, "Oh, have you been on QI? | 0:19:50 | 0:19:55 | |
"Awww! | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
"You should go on QI! | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
"No, I didn't think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI | 0:20:02 | 0:20:07 | |
"and then it was like I looked back | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
"and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:14 | |
"When I saw Stephen Fry's face for the first time, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
"I was filled with so much love. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
"Yes, it's very tiring being on QI, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:25 | |
"but it's so worth it and I just wouldn't want you | 0:20:25 | 0:20:30 | |
"to leave it too late and they'll have stopped making it." | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
This is the thing, it's true - me and my boyfriend, | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
I think it's because pornography exists and I can't compete with it. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there, | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
there's a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
and then he can watch all of these men and women | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
that I'm not going to pretend to like doing and I'm not going to do. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
I don't like doing anything. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:12 | |
That's my sex style. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
I'm saying that to all of you, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
I'm warning you in case any of us ever get together. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
That's open to people of all genders. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
I'm trying to have more sex with women since I found out | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
lesbians are very good at the three things I like. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out | 0:21:29 | 0:21:33 | |
with someone, this is how I'm going to solve it - | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
when you start going out with someone, | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
you should be able to scan your picture into their computer | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right, | 0:21:40 | 0:21:44 | |
all of the banner ads have got your face on them. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
Fun! | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
We could customise them, like, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
"Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!" | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
Fun! | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
This is such a hack observation, it's been made so many times, | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
than straight people and it makes sense to me | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
because I just think that they understand the machinery, | 0:22:10 | 0:22:14 | |
the mechanics a lot more. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
I think a lot of the reason that I'll be with my boyfriend | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident... | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
I'm just covered with dogs! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
I think a lot of the reason is I can't be bothered | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
to train a new man not to hurt me. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
You know when you've fancied someone for weeks and months | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
and then you finally get to go to bed with them | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
and it should be so great and it's... | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
Ow! | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Ow! | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Just be careful! | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
We're so precious, just be careful. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:03 | |
I know now it sounds like I'm kind of ragging on straight men. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:08 | |
I'm not. Of course it works both ways. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
I've been ashamed my entire life of the quality | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
and I realise it's a form of empathy failure | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
and I realise this because my friend, she's so clever | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
and she said something so succinct. She was like, "Oh, Sara, | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
"the problem with misogynists is they treat women | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
"like we're broken men, | 0:23:31 | 0:23:32 | |
"as if our differences mean we're flawed | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
"or we're less good in some way." | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
I was like, "That's it, that's everything. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
You've just described it so perfectly." | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
And then I realised I've been doing the same thing | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
the opposite way round. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
My entire life, I've been treating men | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
like they're just very, very aggressive women | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
and that if I can be calm around them | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
and just move slowly, then maybe one day they'll heal. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:55 | |
What this means is when I touch a man's body in a sexual way, | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
when he says that that is not enjoyable. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
So this means that my technique for a hand job... | 0:24:07 | 0:24:11 | |
I'll show you. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
I'll just show you! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
And then I just do some round-and-rounds. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
And they hate it. They're like yelling out at me, like, "Grip it! | 0:24:46 | 0:24:52 | |
"Grip it and move it up and down!" | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
"I don't want to! | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
"I don't want to make this situation any worse. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
"It already looks angry." | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
I've got a tattoo. I'm not changing the subject. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
I've got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
but I will show to you. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
This tattoo ages me more than anything | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
that will ever happen to my face. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I have got a Japanese symbol | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
on the bottom of my spine. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
and I was excited. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
Now, I keep it covered at all times | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
and it's not cos I'm ashamed of it, | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
but because if anyone ever sees it, they go, | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
"What's your tramp stamp mean?" | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
Cos apparently we've started calling them tramp stamps | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
and I don't know what kind of tramp that's referring to, | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
if it's a loose woman or a vagrant man. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Either way, it's a compliment, | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
but it's a difficult question to answer | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
so I just say that it means "fuck me harder" in Japanese. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
It saves me a lot of time when I'm over there! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
I've never been. I really want to go to Japan and I'll tell you why. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:04 | |
I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
respect female genitals because I can, | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
I've got nothing to do in the day, | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
and I found out about a nightclub, | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
there's only one like this in the world, it's in Japan, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
and it's on two floors and women get in for free | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
if they go into the top floor if they're wearing a skirt | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
with no underwear because the dance floor's see-through. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
It's made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
don't want to rise above the glass ceiling | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
if we have to dance with our fannies out. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
so I was describing it to my friend and I didn't even get through it | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like... | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
And I was like, "Oh, no, no, don't get upset, don't get angry. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
"I can't work out if the men who go there... | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
"I don't know if they are disgusting creeps, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
"but maybe there could be something beautiful going on | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
"cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form," | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
and then she was like, "Oh, no, that isn't even what I was thinking. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
"I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
"cos you'd keep thinking people were waving at you." | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
And now that's what I think about whenever I'm sad. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
Whenever I need cheering up... You know, you're a Western world person. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
You don't have any right to be sad about anything, ever. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
I just imagine that I look upwards | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
and there's an entire dance floor full of men | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
and they've got no trousers or pants on and they're just dancing. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
They're just really going for it to Taylor Swift - Shake It Off | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
and I'm just waving, just waving back at them. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
"The world is full of pain and death is meaningless, | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
"but it's all going to be OK. How do we know? | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
"Because Sara Pascoe told us | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
"just before we gave her a big round of applause." | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
SHE MOUTHS | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Thank you so much, bye-bye! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 |