Sara Pascoe Live from the BBC


Sara Pascoe

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you so much!

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Thank you so much!

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Thank you!

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Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe.

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I never want you to stop clapping.

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Now, what's the best thing that's ever happened to me?

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Oh, God, I miss it.

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Now it's my turn.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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I'm going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing.

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I'm 35 years old.

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That's not the bad thing, unless you're trying to get me pregnant.

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I'm 35, which is the oldest I've ever been, and, look,

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I'm enjoying ageing. We're supposed to hate ourselves, but I don't.

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I'm really enjoying it.

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I feel more confident and I know myself better,

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but what's been happening is I've started remembering things -

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memories from adolescence, things I've completely forgotten -

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they're dropping back into my brain fully formed

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and I remember something about a year and a half ago.

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I'm going to tell you this as the first thing

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cos it's going to make you not like me

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and then I'm going to try and win you back.

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Doesn't always work!

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So basically what I'd forgotten,

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but then I remembered... So when I was 18,

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I didn't have very much money,

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but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn't have

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very much money, either, so what we would do,

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we went to parties, we had a system

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whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job

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in exchange for a gram of cocaine...

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..which we would then both take!

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And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back,

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I cannot believe that I did that.

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It is such an unethical drug.

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It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course,

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I don't think that that was an appropriate system.

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I don't think that system is OK, but when I was 18,

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I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could

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make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I'm 35,

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I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls.

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They're so young, it's such a formative stage.

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I look back and I see I was a terrible friend.

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I never told her to do that,

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but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty

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and I wanted to apologise to Shelley,

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but we're not really in touch any more

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because people don't tend to invite their pimp to their wedding.

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So I had to kind of write her a message

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and the beginning of the message was what I've just said to you.

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"Oh, I've forgotten,

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"but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties,

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"you'd give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back,

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"I should have dissuaded you

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"or suggested we got part-time work

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"and I feel really sorry about this now," and I said,

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"Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you're really happy,"

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and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me

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cos I thought she would say it was fine

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and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting

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and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like,

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"Maybe she does hate me now," and then I checked back

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about a week later and she'd deleted it off her wall.

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So there's just no way of knowing.

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And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing,

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this is the point I'm trying to make -

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I want to be a good person.

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I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys,

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but the more I think about anything,

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the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing

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whether you're a good person or not

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and also the terms "bad" and "good", they're subjective.

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They mean different things to different people.

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Most people agree Stalin, "Oh, very bad,"

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but if you were a gulag maker...

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..you'd be into him.

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Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, "Oh, very good."

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If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so...

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So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it

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so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like

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there's sensible arguments on both sides

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and I don't think we talk enough about that now.

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I don't really understand it.

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Everyone I know from comedy's really intelligent

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and they know their own minds and half of my friends,

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they're all talking about how the EU are creating our laws

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and we hadn't elected them and that's undemocratic

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and then the other half are saying, "But if we actually leave,

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"our economy is going to get even weaker,

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"the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable,"

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and I'm thinking, "How can you be making a decision

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"between the economy and democracy?"

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It's like they said to us all, "Guys, your house is on fire,

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"but if you put it out, gravity will stop working."

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Good luck! What?!

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The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather.

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You know when you were little,

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you would go to sleepovers and play this game

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called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn't want.

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You just had to choose which one you didn't want the least.

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"Would you rather have massive hands

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"but they're not attached to your body

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"or tiny hands but they're strangling you?

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"Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you're racist." What?!

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It's too hard. Why are you asking us?

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And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me,

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sometimes it can be... Basically, Uber.

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Now, most of you will know what Uber is,

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but just in case you don't, it's a taxi but with judgment.

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Oh, you get a review at the end. I've only got four stars on Uber.

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I've lost one and I don't know how, but I sat there quietly,

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I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant,

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which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai.

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But they have a really aggressive business model.

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Lots of these companies do now

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and so it's that thing of the short term vs the long term.

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In the long term, basically,

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they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country.

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Uber don't pay tax here.

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In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone,

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but in the short term,

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it's brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper

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and also it's marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer -

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the fact that more people are getting cabs home,

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the fact the driver comes to where you're standing

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cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture

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of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you

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about who's coming to pick you up

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and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank,

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have taken the scariest photographs that they can.

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There must be a competition in the office.

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They're always on their phone from below

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with eyes like they hate you

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and you're only ever asking for one because you're scared

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cos it's half-two in the morning

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and you're pissed and you're thinking,

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"Oh, no, it's really very dodgy round here.

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I'm going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber,"

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and then you press it and it goes, "Arnab's on his way."

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"Shit."

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Cos this guy's definitely coming to kill me.

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And you can see where he is cos there's a little map.

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You can see him in his tiny car.

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He's only a minute away, he's just turning around from the knife shop.

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You know you've only got 60 seconds to get out of there.

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So you're fretting, like, "Oh, no, what shall I do?

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"Shall I flag down a stranger's car and ask him to rescue me?

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"What if that guy is a murderer?

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"At least with Arnab, there's a paper trail.

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"If I go missing, he'll be the first person they'll check with.

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"I better wait."

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And by then, he's arrived and then to check that it's him,

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because of the angle he's taken the photo at,

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to check that it's him, you have to bend down and look upwards.

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You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. "Arnab?"

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And often, by then, it's too late.

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I'm being very naughty.

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I shouldn't be scaremongering about Uber.

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I only actually know one person

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who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver.

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That was my sister and she's lied about this kind of thing before.

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No, this sounds like it's bad on her.

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Everyone in my family, we're all liars.

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We're the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves

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and we never, ever admit that something's not true,

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no matter what evidence you have.

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So I'll give you an example and to be fair to them, I'll give you

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a me example cos they're angry with me with how much I talk about them.

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"Rub that bit out!" So, to be fair to them, I'll give you a me example.

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About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time,

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I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved

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with an EastEnders storyline

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and I told my sister that I was her real mum.

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She still doesn't know that I'm not and I'll never let her find out

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and I'm only 18 months older than her so I've had to tell

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quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable.

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Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship

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because I've found that the truth hurts more.

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My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty,

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apart from there's one lie that I told him, but it was accidental.

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So when we first got together, I told him that before we'd met,

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I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had.

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Back story - I watched a film when I was about eight

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and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club.

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Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club.

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That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs

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and so my ears pricked up at this mention

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and I didn't even watch the end of the film,

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I just ran through my house looking for an adult

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that I could ask about it.

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The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor.

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Now, looking back, I don't know why he was in my house.

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I'm really suspicious about it, but it's, like,

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too late to do anything about it now, like, "Repress it!

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"Stop thinking about it! Why didn't he have a shirt on? I don't know!

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"I don't know!" Everyone's divorced now, it's fine.

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It doesn't matter.

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So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, "Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor,

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"how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?"

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And he was obviously a little bit thrown

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cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, "Oh...

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"Oh, yeah, that's when you're on an aeroplane

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"and you go to the toilet for a long time."

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Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane

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and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years,

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which means that every time I've been asked in my life,

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which is probably about seven or eight times,

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"Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?"

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I've always answered in the same way by going, "Yes, every time I fly!

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"I think it's the nerves!"

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I'm going to say something in about 30 seconds and it's, erm, sexist.

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I'm about to say something that's quite sexist,

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but you have to understand that I know that it's sexist

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so it's OK cos that is the system.

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So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine,

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and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do,

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which I don't mind and he's all right with it,

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but in the olden days, in the '80s, there used to be this system

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where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out.

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Now, I'm not saying that I agree with that.

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The idea that a woman is economically dependent

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on a man is disgusting.

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The idea that a man expects sex just because he's paid is awful,

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but what is worse is that it doesn't work the other way round.

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Well, what I've found is if it is the woman that's paid for dinner

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and the weekly shop and the electricity bill,

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oh, then he never puts out because apparently you've emasculated him

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by asking for a thank-you dance.

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Double standards!

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It's not fair and so this is true,

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I don't think me and my boyfriend have enough sex.

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He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping.

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1-0.

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And so I'm trying to... I'm trying to spice things up.

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I'm trying to seduce him, that's what I want to do.

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What I do when I'm in the mood for lovemaking,

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I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body - head to toe.

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No, it's too high!

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This is seduction, not a '90s pop star breakdown.

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I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then,

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in order to let him know in a subtle way,

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I don't rinse the bath.

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Yeah!

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He knows what I'm saying!

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Erm, if you are sitting there thinking,

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"Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself,"

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wait till you hear this next thing.

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At Christmas, we got presents for each other.

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I don't know why I'm explaining. "You know, Christmas presents..."

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"Ever heard of Christmas presents?" Well, we did it one year.

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We're crazy. Now, he opened my present first.

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I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive

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and I'd never been on that kind of holiday before,

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I'd never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled

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to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it

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and it was an electric toothbrush.

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Hmm.

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And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell

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that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie.

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I waited for him to finish and then I was like, "Oh, are you all right?"

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And he was like, "No, I'm really embarrassed

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"about the discrepancy in our presents.

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"Just please promise me you'll never tell anyone about this."

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But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it

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and my initial response was wrong.

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So you think my present is a better or bigger present

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cos it's more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing.

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Seven days, even if they are amazing days,

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seven days - done, gone forever.

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An electric toothbrush,

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that is something that I use every single day to masturbate.

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Guys!

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It's a great present! I don't use it as a toothbrush any more.

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I'm not disgusting.

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I just don't brush my teeth.

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I don't need to, I'm too happy.

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I'm happy all of the time. I'm telling you all my secrets.

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Another thing, I went away for about a month.

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About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work.

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When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured.

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Oh, yeah, he'd taken out a life insurance policy on me

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and he's behaving like this is a normal thing

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people do in relationships, like it's a stage that you get to.

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"Oh, Sara, how's it going with John?"

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I'm like, "Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious.

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"We're at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit

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"if the other one dies." I want him to cancel it.

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Also, I don't think I need it. I can't...

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I just don't think I'm going to die.

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It just doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd do.

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It's a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit.

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"Stop it, it's creepy,"

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and he's, like, being all defensive, like,

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"No, Sara, think about it - if something was to happen to you,

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"I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own,"

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right, which does sound sensible.

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Callous, but sensible,

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until I tell you that we don't own a property.

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We rent a flat like everybody else.

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That mortgage is something he's getting later on

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with his winnings if something was to happen to me,

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but this is the thing about falling in love,

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which is something that obviously every single person does.

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We fall in love. We don't wait until we know everything about someone

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and then decide, "That's it, you deserve my heart."

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No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love

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and then you continue to learn new things

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and some of those things are great.

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They're like cute faces and funny noises and...

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Oh, look, my boyfriend,

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he collects Nectar points like it's a computer game,

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like deadly serious, and he never spends them

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cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency,

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which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out

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are just like, "Oh, no! It's too late, I love you now!"

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My boyfriend doesn't like dogs.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhh...

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Thank you for that appropriate reaction.

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He doesn't like dogs, I found out about eight months in.

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He doesn't think that they're handsome

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or want to pet them and won't let me get one.

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My ambition my entire life

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has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money

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to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived

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and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die.

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Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day.

0:16:180:16:23

"Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is..."

0:16:230:16:30

But it's bittersweet, like...

0:16:300:16:32

"I can get a dog now."

0:16:340:16:35

So what I'm trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing,

0:16:350:16:39

I get it, it's just that money is his dogs.

0:16:390:16:42

So what we're doing at the moment -

0:16:420:16:44

and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about -

0:16:440:16:47

me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while,

0:16:470:16:50

trying to make a baby, get pregnant.

0:16:500:16:52

Now, I hate all of the language around this.

0:16:520:16:54

Essentially, all it means you're having sex without a condom on,

0:16:540:16:57

like it's the '90s, but we've been trying for about 2½ years,

0:16:570:17:01

which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant

0:17:010:17:04

is a lot like learning a language

0:17:040:17:06

in that it is much easier when you are a child.

0:17:060:17:08

When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time.

0:17:100:17:14

I was the girl you heard about in rumours.

0:17:140:17:17

I got pregnant from a toilet seat.

0:17:170:17:19

I got pregnant from borrowing a boy's towel

0:17:190:17:22

and now it's so much more difficult

0:17:220:17:24

and there's all this stuff that you're supposed to do

0:17:240:17:27

if you're trying to get pregnant.

0:17:270:17:28

If you're the woman, you're not supposed to drink alcohol.

0:17:280:17:31

If you're a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day

0:17:310:17:34

and you turn up to see your friends and be like,

0:17:340:17:36

"Oh, no, I'm not drinking tonight," they assume you're already pregnant.

0:17:360:17:39

It's going to be awkward in three months -

0:17:390:17:40

everyone's giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers.

0:17:400:17:43

It's so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca,

0:17:430:17:46

no conversation. Also, you're not supposed to drink caffeine.

0:17:460:17:50

You're not allowed to have coffee.

0:17:500:17:51

How am I going to get pregnant if I'm angry or asleep?

0:17:510:17:53

And I've had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits

0:17:560:17:59

and they look like pregnancy tests.

0:17:590:18:01

They cost nine quid each, they're so expensive

0:18:010:18:03

and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up

0:18:030:18:06

and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up

0:18:060:18:09

a picture of itself, like, "I can get myself pregnant.

0:18:090:18:11

"What's your problem?"

0:18:110:18:13

Then you have to wee on it,

0:18:130:18:15

which is hard when something's that expensive.

0:18:150:18:17

You have to wee on it and also for ages,

0:18:180:18:21

like, much longer than you think - like, 13 minutes.

0:18:210:18:23

You wee on it and then you put the lid back on.

0:18:230:18:26

It's supposed to think for two minutes and then come up

0:18:260:18:28

with where you are in your ovulatory cycle

0:18:280:18:30

so you don't waste the one sex you have a month

0:18:300:18:32

and all that happens when I've done it

0:18:320:18:35

is it just comes up with a picture of a book,

0:18:350:18:37

which means that I've done it wrong

0:18:370:18:38

and I need to reread the instructions,

0:18:380:18:40

and then I break it cos I'm angry

0:18:400:18:42

and I'm sitting there holding broken bits of plastic,

0:18:420:18:44

hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking,

0:18:440:18:46

"Could I really keep another human alive?"

0:18:460:18:49

And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up.

0:18:490:18:53

So I've got this fun thing.

0:18:540:18:57

I've got polycystic ovaries or PCOS

0:18:570:18:59

and that's very, very common and lots of women have it.

0:18:590:19:01

What is means is that your ovaries make an egg

0:19:010:19:03

and then rather than going anywhere,

0:19:030:19:05

just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully.

0:19:050:19:07

What this means is you have a higher than you should have

0:19:070:19:09

level of testosterone in your system,

0:19:090:19:11

which does mean that you have an increased sex drive,

0:19:110:19:14

but it also means that no-one will have sex with you

0:19:140:19:16

because of your fine beard and moustache.

0:19:160:19:18

Nature is amazing!

0:19:180:19:21

And this is the thing - the longer you go without having children,

0:19:210:19:25

the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it

0:19:250:19:28

and I'm aware they always mean really well.

0:19:280:19:30

It comes from a really good place.

0:19:300:19:32

My younger sisters and my friends are having kids.

0:19:320:19:34

They're all having this wonderful time,

0:19:340:19:36

they don't want anyone to miss out on this experience,

0:19:360:19:38

but my problem with that

0:19:380:19:39

is the experience they are having is subjective.

0:19:390:19:42

It's personal to them.

0:19:420:19:44

I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences,

0:19:440:19:48

like I've been on QI.

0:19:480:19:50

I have never, ever said to anybody, like, "Oh, have you been on QI?

0:19:500:19:55

"Awww!

0:19:570:19:59

"You should go on QI!

0:19:590:20:02

"No, I didn't think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI

0:20:020:20:07

"and then it was like I looked back

0:20:070:20:09

"and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI.

0:20:090:20:14

"When I saw Stephen Fry's face for the first time,

0:20:140:20:17

"I was filled with so much love.

0:20:170:20:20

"Yes, it's very tiring being on QI,

0:20:200:20:25

"but it's so worth it and I just wouldn't want you

0:20:250:20:30

"to leave it too late and they'll have stopped making it."

0:20:300:20:33

This is the thing, it's true - me and my boyfriend,

0:20:350:20:37

we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it

0:20:370:20:41

and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography.

0:20:410:20:44

I think it's because pornography exists and I can't compete with it.

0:20:440:20:48

Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there,

0:20:480:20:52

there's a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms

0:20:520:20:55

and then he can watch all of these men and women

0:20:550:20:58

enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff

0:20:580:21:00

that I'm not going to pretend to like doing and I'm not going to do.

0:21:000:21:04

I don't like doing anything.

0:21:040:21:06

I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there.

0:21:070:21:12

That's my sex style.

0:21:140:21:16

I'm saying that to all of you,

0:21:160:21:18

I'm warning you in case any of us ever get together.

0:21:180:21:20

That's open to people of all genders.

0:21:200:21:23

I'm trying to have more sex with women since I found out

0:21:230:21:26

lesbians are very good at the three things I like.

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out

0:21:290:21:33

with someone, this is how I'm going to solve it -

0:21:330:21:35

when you start going out with someone,

0:21:350:21:37

you should be able to scan your picture into their computer

0:21:370:21:40

and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right,

0:21:400:21:44

all of the banner ads have got your face on them.

0:21:440:21:48

Fun!

0:21:490:21:51

We could customise them, like,

0:21:510:21:53

"Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!"

0:21:530:21:57

Fun!

0:22:000:22:02

This is such a hack observation, it's been made so many times,

0:22:020:22:05

but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex

0:22:050:22:08

than straight people and it makes sense to me

0:22:080:22:10

because I just think that they understand the machinery,

0:22:100:22:14

the mechanics a lot more.

0:22:140:22:16

I think a lot of the reason that I'll be with my boyfriend

0:22:160:22:18

until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident...

0:22:180:22:22

I'm just covered with dogs!

0:22:220:22:24

I think a lot of the reason is I can't be bothered

0:22:260:22:28

to train a new man not to hurt me.

0:22:280:22:30

You know when you've fancied someone for weeks and months

0:22:310:22:36

and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them

0:22:360:22:39

and then you finally get to go to bed with them

0:22:390:22:42

and it should be so great and it's...

0:22:420:22:45

Ow!

0:22:470:22:49

Ow!

0:22:500:22:52

Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug?

0:22:520:22:55

Just be careful!

0:22:560:22:58

We're so precious, just be careful.

0:22:580:23:03

I know now it sounds like I'm kind of ragging on straight men.

0:23:030:23:08

I'm not. Of course it works both ways.

0:23:080:23:12

I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad.

0:23:120:23:15

I've been ashamed my entire life of the quality

0:23:150:23:19

and I realise it's a form of empathy failure

0:23:190:23:21

and I realise this because my friend, she's so clever

0:23:210:23:23

and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists,

0:23:230:23:26

and she said something so succinct. She was like, "Oh, Sara,

0:23:260:23:29

"the problem with misogynists is they treat women

0:23:290:23:31

"like we're broken men,

0:23:310:23:32

"as if our differences mean we're flawed

0:23:320:23:34

"or we're less good in some way."

0:23:340:23:36

I was like, "That's it, that's everything.

0:23:360:23:38

You've just described it so perfectly."

0:23:380:23:39

And then I realised I've been doing the same thing

0:23:390:23:42

the opposite way round.

0:23:420:23:43

My entire life, I've been treating men

0:23:430:23:45

like they're just very, very aggressive women

0:23:450:23:47

and that if I can be calm around them

0:23:470:23:50

and just move slowly, then maybe one day they'll heal.

0:23:500:23:55

What this means is when I touch a man's body in a sexual way,

0:23:570:24:00

I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him

0:24:000:24:04

when he says that that is not enjoyable.

0:24:040:24:06

So this means that my technique for a hand job...

0:24:070:24:11

I'll show you.

0:24:110:24:13

I'll just show you!

0:24:130:24:15

And then I just do some round-and-rounds.

0:24:340:24:36

And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance.

0:24:390:24:42

And they hate it. They're like yelling out at me, like, "Grip it!

0:24:460:24:52

"Grip it and move it up and down!"

0:24:520:24:55

"I don't want to!

0:24:550:24:57

"I don't want to make this situation any worse.

0:24:580:25:01

"It already looks angry."

0:25:010:25:03

I've got a tattoo. I'm not changing the subject.

0:25:050:25:08

I've got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time,

0:25:080:25:11

but I will show to you.

0:25:110:25:13

This tattoo ages me more than anything

0:25:130:25:16

that will ever happen to my face.

0:25:160:25:18

I have got a Japanese symbol

0:25:180:25:21

on the bottom of my spine.

0:25:210:25:23

That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out

0:25:230:25:26

and I was excited.

0:25:260:25:28

Now, I keep it covered at all times

0:25:280:25:30

and it's not cos I'm ashamed of it,

0:25:300:25:32

but because if anyone ever sees it, they go,

0:25:320:25:34

"What's your tramp stamp mean?"

0:25:340:25:36

Cos apparently we've started calling them tramp stamps

0:25:360:25:38

and I don't know what kind of tramp that's referring to,

0:25:380:25:41

if it's a loose woman or a vagrant man.

0:25:410:25:43

Either way, it's a compliment,

0:25:430:25:45

but it's a difficult question to answer

0:25:450:25:48

so I just say that it means "fuck me harder" in Japanese.

0:25:480:25:51

It saves me a lot of time when I'm over there!

0:25:510:25:55

I've never been. I really want to go to Japan and I'll tell you why.

0:25:580:26:04

I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures

0:26:040:26:07

respect female genitals because I can,

0:26:070:26:09

I've got nothing to do in the day,

0:26:090:26:11

and I found out about a nightclub,

0:26:110:26:13

there's only one like this in the world, it's in Japan,

0:26:130:26:16

and it's on two floors and women get in for free

0:26:160:26:19

if they go into the top floor if they're wearing a skirt

0:26:190:26:22

with no underwear because the dance floor's see-through.

0:26:220:26:25

It's made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money

0:26:250:26:28

to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks

0:26:280:26:31

and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor.

0:26:310:26:33

Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend

0:26:330:26:36

cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this.

0:26:360:26:38

I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women

0:26:380:26:41

don't want to rise above the glass ceiling

0:26:410:26:44

if we have to dance with our fannies out.

0:26:440:26:46

Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing

0:26:460:26:49

so I was describing it to my friend and I didn't even get through it

0:26:490:26:52

cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like...

0:26:520:26:54

And I was like, "Oh, no, no, don't get upset, don't get angry.

0:26:540:26:57

"I can't work out if the men who go there...

0:26:570:26:59

"I don't know if they are disgusting creeps,

0:26:590:27:01

"but maybe there could be something beautiful going on

0:27:010:27:04

"cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form,"

0:27:040:27:06

and then she was like, "Oh, no, that isn't even what I was thinking.

0:27:060:27:10

"I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round

0:27:100:27:13

"cos you'd keep thinking people were waving at you."

0:27:130:27:16

And now that's what I think about whenever I'm sad.

0:27:180:27:21

Whenever I need cheering up... You know, you're a Western world person.

0:27:210:27:24

You don't have any right to be sad about anything, ever.

0:27:240:27:26

I just imagine that I look upwards

0:27:260:27:28

and there's an entire dance floor full of men

0:27:280:27:32

and they've got no trousers or pants on and they're just dancing.

0:27:320:27:36

They're just really going for it to Taylor Swift - Shake It Off

0:27:360:27:41

and I'm just waving, just waving back at them.

0:27:410:27:45

"The world is full of pain and death is meaningless,

0:27:450:27:48

"but it's all going to be OK. How do we know?

0:27:480:27:51

"Because Sara Pascoe told us

0:27:510:27:53

"just before we gave her a big round of applause."

0:27:530:27:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:560:27:59

SHE MOUTHS

0:27:590:28:00

Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye!

0:28:000:28:03

Thank you so much, bye-bye!

0:28:080:28:10

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