Doc Brown Live from the BBC


Doc Brown

Ben Bailey Smith, aka Doc Brown, brings his seamless mix of rap and stand-up to the BBC as he dissects country life, fatherhood and being cool.


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Transcript


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ROCK MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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SOFTLY: 'Sup, bitches?

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LAUGHTER

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Ha-ha! How we doing? AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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-Feeling good? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

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Do you want to stop being addressed as a non-specific homogeneous group?

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LAUGHTER Start being catered to as the unique individuals you obviously are?

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SCATTERED WHOOPS

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Er, there isn't time.

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Welcome. Hello.

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Er, yes, I'm Ben, sometimes known as Doc Brown.

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I'm sure that's how you know me.

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I'm a comic, and also an actor and a rapper.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

-Yeah, man.

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People always ask me, especially in interviews,

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why, why do you take up so many different disciplines?

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You know, and, I tell them like I tell you, you know, that,

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deep down, honestly, I just feel that I really,

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I REALLY need the money. LAUGHTER

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You know? But also, I diversify because

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just being a travelling comic, it can get a bit,

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it's just boring, man, it can get a bit tragic.

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You know? A bit lonely.

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So, I try and do just enough TV and other stuff to make sure that

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I only have to do the gigs I want to do.

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Pick and choose, you know?

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So, I tend to just do gigs around 30 minutes or less from my house.

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LAUGHTER

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Which is the reason I'm here tonight.

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That is the reason I'm here tonight for the BBC

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because I know I can finish work and get back in time for

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Match of the Day. That's the only reason I'm here.

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But there are, there are, there are other reasons.

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Um, I mean, there's elements, I should say,

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to being a travelling comic that are OK.

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I've seen the whole of the UK, I've seen everywhere,

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everywhere in the UK, and believe it or not, there's some positives to that.

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There are some positives.

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Like, especially in the little towns and villages that I visit

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those are my favourites because I've noticed if I, if I, like,

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get my swagger on,

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I'm walking through the little town centre and whatnot,

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I see people's eyes, some of them,

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they assume that I might be a little bit gangster.

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LAUGHTER

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And I love that!

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I play up to that, my friends. I will, you know why,

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because I don't have that luxury in the city that I come from.

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I don't have that luxury in London. You out your mind? Listen,

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ask anybody I know, ask my closest friends, my family, ask my mum. They'll tell you,

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"Who, Doc? Oh, yeah, he's a pussy, that guy.

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"Yeah, yeah... Yeah, that guy." LAUGHTER

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And what can I say? Nothing. I was born a coward, I will die a coward.

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LAUGHTER

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It's got me out of many scrapes many a night. You know?

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I like it, I don't mind it, you can call me a pussy,

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I will take it, I will wear it, OK? Because it's true.

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But you know what it made me realise travelling around the country,

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is that it's all relative.

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It's all relative, my friends.

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You can call me a pussy in London, I will take that all day long.

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But hey, let me tell you something, give me a baseball cap

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and a bag of weed in the Cotswolds...

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LAUGHTER

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I am Tupac Shakur resurrected. OK?

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LAUGHTER

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I will be spitting gangster bars all over your village green.

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Right?

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Talkin' 'bout roll into your village like a boss, it was necessary.

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First black guy you've seen since last February.

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LAUGHTER

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Huh! And I'm turning heads.

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Bruv, you know the score.

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Till I'm big news on your parish notice board.

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LAUGHTER

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In bigger cities, I'm light skinned. Now I'm dark.

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LAUGHTER

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Two spliffs on me, that makes me Howard Marks. Cos now the table's turned.

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It's all relative.

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That's right, old retired soldier, you better shift and take your

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sheepdog with you and your zimmer frame.

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Cos a bigger name just arrived in the game.

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LAUGHTER

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Listen, I'm too different, tip cows and shoot chickens.

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Bruv, I do a crip walk while I'm fruit pickin'!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oi! I didn't leave any money for the strawberries

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at the side of the road and I'm taking more. Geez!

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LAUGHTER

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Oi, I'm camping here, this is my tent, bro,

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and I'm walking on your grass, though your sign said no, whoa.

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LAUGHTER

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On your nature trail, kick a tree. What?

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LAUGHTER

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Rearrange all the doilies in your tea shop.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm your worst nightmare, bruv, it's not a dream.

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If I'm on you, I'm on all your scones and clotted cream!

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LAUGHTER

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Mosey out of your village now with my kind of swag.

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Return to London and I'm like, "Hi, guys, I'm back."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Ha-ha!

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I can't be gangster in London, you out your mind?

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Suicide. I cannot be gangster in this city.

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I'm a parent. You know?

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I can't be gangster rolling around London with my children!

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Like, "Yeah, dis my crew."

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LAUGHTER

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She's 11, she's 8, what?

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No! Give it up, you know? Give it up.

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I mean, there's a lot of people, they still don't realise,

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even after having children, you've made the supreme sacrifice.

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You've made it. You've got to lay in that bed now.

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People don't understand how many sacrifices you have to make.

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I've sacrificed all the things that I hold dear.

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That happened overnight, almost.

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You know? All the things I used to enjoy, right?

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You know, the girls, the drugs, the raving...

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All the money I used to spend on trainers. Right?

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LAUGHTER

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Soon as the first one was born, all these things were deemed luxuries

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and therefore, pffft! They were the first things to go.

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And yeah, I resent my kids for that, sure. LAUGHTER

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Who wouldn't?

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So, yeah, I kind of decided, you know,

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that I would talk about some grown-up stuff.

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I know people have expectations of me now.

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They've seen me a few times and whatnot

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but I'm a grown-up and I want to talk about some grown-up shit.

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I heard there was a 21-year-old in here.

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Is there anyone younger than that?

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Have we got people younger than that? We got some young people in the house?

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HANDFUL OF SHOUTS

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Ah, I see someone waving over there. Poor man.

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Well, listen, I ain't got nothing for you. All right?

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LAUGHTER

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You know, like, I mean, I appreciate your custom and shit but, um...

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LAUGHTER

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I ain't got nothing for you. All right? I don't know.

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There's an assumption made about me, I suppose,

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maybe because I rap and whatnot that I have some kind of

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affinity with young people, you know?

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I get a lot of calls from promoters.

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There's always people asking me, "Hey, Doc,

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"you want to come and do this gig? It's going to be great.

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"It's gonna be, sort of like you know, it's an underage thing,

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"you know, there's no bar but we're going to pack it with young people.

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"They've seen you on YouTube, it's going to be amazing, you're going to love it."

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And I always think, well, that's such a subjective observation,

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you know, because I hate young people. LAUGHTER

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I hate everything you stand for, you know? I do.

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I hate, it's jealousy, really,

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I hate the fact that you are people who are younger than me.

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That bugs me. You know?

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But it is jealousy, really, it's not really hatred, it's a frustration.

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Because, to be honest, like, when I was that age,

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when I was like 16, dude, I was a teenage rapper.

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I did not believe that I would live this long. OK?

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I didn't foresee that. It wasn't in the plan, OK?

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I thought I would hit, like, 27 and die of a weed and pussy overdose.

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That was the plan. THAT was the plan! LAUGHTER

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It didn't work out that way. Still here!

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Yeah, I'm still here, man.

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I'm still here.

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Now, I'm a rapper in his 30s with kids and a shed, you know?

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LAUGHTER I just think, what do you know?

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What do you young people know about this shit? What d'you know?

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You know, what d'you know about having a pair of trainers

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specifically for garden use? What do you know? LAUGHTER

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What d'you know about back pain?

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What d'you know about receding hairlines and chilblains?

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What do you know about the '80s,

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when the coolest thing you could say was, "Baby, page me."

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LAUGHTER

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What d'you know about four-channel telly?

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Corned beef hash and spotted dick in your belly?

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Getting shoes that ain't Nikes and drawing the swoosh?

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LAUGHTER

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What d'you know about finding porn in a bush?

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LAUGHTER

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What d'you know about no smartphones?

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Calling your girl's house but her father's home. Hello, sir.

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I'd like to have sex with your daughter.

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Nice one. Cos we're way past dry humps.

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Matter of fact, what d'you know about dry humps?

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Fully clothed on the bed where you find us.

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Innocent, like two little angels. Nowadays, kids want first date anal.

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Yeah. LAUGHTER

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Instant action, thanks to that Tinder thing.

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What d'you know about waiting two months for fingering? Nothing.

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LAUGHTER

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Nothing! Nothing. Nothing.

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I'm trying to sound cooler than I am. I'm not as...

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You know, if you're trying to sound cool or you're trying to look

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cool, you already lost the battle, that's the rules.

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That's the rules. I hear it a lot, people telling me, I'm cool.

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And I just think, "You don't know me, man."

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You've seen me on the TV, or you've seeing pictures of me.

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I'm trying to act cool.

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You know, that's what I do, I'm an entertainer.

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You ask my friends and family, we know what they'll tell you.

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Right? Strangers, "Hey, you're cool." What?

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"No, I just wanted to say, you're a cool guy.

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"You're cool, you're so cool." Ha-ha!

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I appreciate that, bro, but, I'm actually not.

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I know you've see me around,

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you should come and see the stand-up, man, and see the real me.

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"No, I'm just sayin', you're cool, that's all, it's a compliment, innit?"

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No, I get it, I get it but... I'm not. I'm just being real with you.

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"Why can't you take a compliment, bro? I'm telling you you're cool."

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"You're a cool guy." I know, bro, I know.

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But I'm just saying, you got it wrong

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I'm telling you who I am. "I'm telling you what I think of you, bro, you're cool.

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"You're a cool guy." I know, bro, you're making me raise my voice and shit.

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I'm just saying, I'm not... Listen, I... I wave back at boats, OK?

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LAUGHTER

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You happy now? APPLAUSE

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Jesus!

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Don't get involved in that, by the way.

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You know, the whole boat-waving subculture.

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LAUGHTER

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It really is, it's a slippery slope.

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I don't even know why I do it, you know?

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It's the weirdest thing and don't try act cool like you don't know what I'm talking about.

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You know what I'm talking about, you'll be riverside, by the canal,

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be at the seaside, at the seaside, right? You're on dry ground, OK?

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Doesn't matter whether there's two people in

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a canoe or 200 people on a ferry.

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They will wave at you, my friends. LAUGHTER

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THEY will wave at YOU.

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All I'm saying is, don't encourage that shit. You know what I'm saying?

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Why would you?

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I'm guilty, that's what I'm saying, like, I could be walking down by

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the Thames, all right, and I might have my girls with me,

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fresh haircut, new trainers on, I'm feeling cool.

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For all intents and purposes, I'm FEELING cool, right?

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But then it's like the nerd in me just, argh!

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It just explodes, just escapes out through my skeleton,

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up out through my mouth somehow. It just...argh!

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Next thing I know I'm engaging in probably the most pointless

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gesture in Homo sapiens culture.

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Right? You know, the...

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LIGHT LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER BUILDS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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HIGH VOICE: Who's that man, Daddy?

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Hm? Erm, I don't know, baby.

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I...don't know.

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah, I don't know, man.

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I don't know, a lot of the time, I talk to my closest friends about it.

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I don't know if I'm cut out for, like, showbiz and stuff.

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Like, I know I can do it,

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I know I can entertain but it's just a weird job, you know?

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The one thing I know for sure, I feel absolutely 100% certain,

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I don't ever want to be the subject of the last item on the news.

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That's the only thing I'm certain of. You know why?

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Because if you're the subject of the last item on the news,

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you are either pathetic or dead.

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There's no middle ground.

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There's no middle ground, it is either, "And finally...

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"Actor and comedian Doc Brown,

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"after 30 years of making us laugh and cry,

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"has died.

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"Alone. In his palatial home."

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Right, it's either that or it's...

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"And finally, actor and comedian Doc Brown,

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"after 30 years of making us laugh and cry,

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"has started keeping bees!"

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LAUGHTER

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"His makeshift farm produces up to 3 jars a day,

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"which he sells to friends and family."

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I don't want that. I don't want that. You know?

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And I talk to my friends and family about it.

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They say, "Hey, dude, listen, just

0:16:380:16:41

"remember where you at, remember who you are, you know?"

0:16:410:16:44

And that's helpful.

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You know, try and keep yourself grounded because if anybody can,

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my friends and family can. And it's a constant reminder,

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a constant reminder that your personal life is always,

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ALWAYS more important than your professional life.

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Always. You know?

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It's the same reason, I guess, the same reason that in interviews,

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when people ask me, like, "Hey, what's your proudest moment in life?"

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It's always perennially really difficult not for me to say,

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going five days at Glastonbury without taking a shit.

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LAUGHTER

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Because THAT... That was a feat. That was a feat...

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..I'm very proud of.

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An incredible experience and an incredible example of mind

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over matter. You know?

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My brain just took one look at those toilets and just said, "No. No.

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"We don't do this. Not happening."

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And let me tell you something else as well, from the heart.

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That first poo that I took when I got home...

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Dude, it was emotional.

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It was like... LAUGHTER

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But also, it was intense. It was...

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This is hard to say but it was a bit like,

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it felt a bit like being sexually assaulted from the inside out. OK?

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LAUGHTER

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And, dude, I turned around, I looked down

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and I felt pride. I'm not going to lie to you. I felt pride.

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LAUGHTER

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But then, as a result of the straining, I contracted piles.

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Which... LAUGHTER

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I went into the GP, right?

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And, you know, they've heard it all before, so, straightaway,

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he was like, "Yeah, it's exactly what I thought it was,

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"it's piles and I'm going to write your prescription for this cream.

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"You're going to have to apply it yourself twice a day."

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Tears it off, hands it to me.

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The cream I've got to buy is called Anusol.

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LAUGHTER

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Anusol, right?

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So, as if this, this experience weren't devastating enough already,

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I've now, I've now got to walk out of here into

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a public arena and ask a stranger for

0:19:370:19:41

a tube of Anusol!

0:19:410:19:44

And the doctor says, well, actually, it's pronounced "An U sol".

0:19:450:19:48

"An-U-sol, An-U-sol." I said, well, what's the point?

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What's the point in having the letters A-N-U-S

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so prominently featured?

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On a product that you're using on your anus if

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you're not going to pronounce it that way? You know?

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You're thinking about your anus when you go in to buy the cream,

0:20:030:20:07

you've got your anus on your mind, of course you have.

0:20:070:20:10

So when you see the letters A-N-U-S, in that order, you're not going to

0:20:100:20:13

automatically think "An-use", are you? No!

0:20:130:20:16

LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:19

And the doctor says to me, "Look, can you just leave my office,

0:20:190:20:22

"I've got so many more patients to see."

0:20:220:20:24

Right? NHS, you know, so, I mean, fair enough. I leave.

0:20:240:20:28

And I go across the street to the pharmacy right opposite,

0:20:300:20:33

approach the counter.

0:20:330:20:35

MUMBLING: Yeah, erm, it's, erm, a prescription. Cream.

0:20:370:20:44

"Excuse me?"

0:20:440:20:47

MUMBLING: Prescription... "What's it for?" It's, it's a cream.

0:20:470:20:53

It's called...

0:20:530:20:55

SOFTLY: It's called "An-U-sol", it's called "An-U-sol".

0:20:550:21:00

"Sorry, say it again?" An-U-sol, it's called " An-U-sol"!

0:21:000:21:04

"OH! ANUS-OL!" LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:07

And see when he said that to me, that's when I thought,

0:21:070:21:10

"Ah, OK, I know what's going on here. No, I understand now."

0:21:100:21:14

I see it clear. I OVER-stand it.

0:21:140:21:16

It's just a big game for all you lot, isn't it?

0:21:160:21:19

The doctors, medicine guys, the pharmacists. Just a big laugh.

0:21:190:21:24

At our expense. Just taking the mick.

0:21:240:21:28

And you know how I knew for certain?

0:21:280:21:30

Because when he turned around to get the tube off of the shelf

0:21:300:21:34

behind him, I was watching him.

0:21:340:21:36

Right next to the tube of Anusol,

0:21:360:21:38

there was another cream called Vagisil!

0:21:380:21:41

LAUGHTER

0:21:410:21:43

Right? So, so, so, when you've got a problem with your anus hole,

0:21:430:21:48

Anusol. Right?

0:21:480:21:52

And similarly, when your vag is ill...

0:21:530:21:56

LAUGHTER

0:21:560:22:00

Vagisil. These guys are taking the piss out of our lives.

0:22:020:22:06

We're letting it happen!

0:22:060:22:08

I don't know.

0:22:110:22:14

But, you know, I say, like I travel across the UK

0:22:140:22:17

and I talk about how much I love it, and I'm not lying to you,

0:22:170:22:21

I do, I consider myself a patriot, you know?

0:22:210:22:24

I love this country, I love the UK, I love being British because I

0:22:240:22:29

think the people are progressive and I know, like, we moan about it,

0:22:290:22:33

no matter what your politics are, right or left,

0:22:330:22:35

liberal or conservative, so,

0:22:350:22:37

everybody moans about our country, everybody moans about Britain.

0:22:370:22:41

Let me tell you something, do some travelling around the world.

0:22:410:22:44

OK, there are countries that I've been to where you could get

0:22:440:22:47

stoned to death for wearing the wrong shit. Right?

0:22:470:22:49

Which is mental, you know? And don't get me wrong,

0:22:490:22:52

there are some kids on my estate who are exclusively styled by JD Sports

0:22:520:22:56

that I would love... I would love... LAUGHTER

0:22:560:23:01

..to pelt with rocks, but we're better than that. We're better than that.

0:23:010:23:06

We are better than that.

0:23:060:23:08

We're in an amazing place and don't ever forget it.

0:23:080:23:11

Travel the world and you'll remember how good it is to be British.

0:23:110:23:14

You've got it better than you ever could have dreamed.

0:23:140:23:16

You know, but at the same time, we shouldn't get too smug.

0:23:160:23:19

We really shouldn't. Because I got my smug liberal friends,

0:23:190:23:23

they love comparing us to lesser places in their minds.

0:23:230:23:26

Like, America is a big one,

0:23:260:23:28

they're always having a go at America, especially about race.

0:23:280:23:31

"I tell you what, America, you know, done a lot of great things culturally,

0:23:310:23:35

"but they are in the Stone Age when it comes to race.

0:23:350:23:38

"They are a million light years behind us on race, they really are."

0:23:380:23:42

And I always think, "Yeah, dude, they had a black president for eight years."

0:23:420:23:46

Eight years! Black! President! You know how amazing that is?

0:23:460:23:50

You know, who have we got? Who have we got?

0:23:500:23:54

LAUGHTER

0:23:540:23:56

Dude, the closest thing we've got to a black leader in this

0:23:560:23:59

country is probably Dizzee Rascal.

0:23:590:24:02

LAUGHTER

0:24:020:24:05

You know? And listen, I'm not saying I wouldn't vote for him.

0:24:050:24:08

Ha!

0:24:080:24:10

Er, listen, his socioeconomic policies do leave

0:24:100:24:14

a little to be desired but, tell you something,

0:24:140:24:18

his stance on keeping your trainers looking fresh really speaks to me.

0:24:180:24:22

LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:25

No, we've got, erm, we've got Chuka Umunna. That's who we've got. Yeah.

0:24:250:24:29

We've got Chuka Umunna.

0:24:290:24:31

That's right. Labour said, "You know what?

0:24:310:24:34

"Let's find a dude with a name even blacker than Barack Obama."

0:24:340:24:38

Just see what happens. LAUGHTER

0:24:380:24:39

see what happens... You never know.

0:24:390:24:42

I sometimes wonder if Chuka listens to rap, you know?

0:24:420:24:46

I'm sure I'm going to meet him one day and I feel like it would

0:24:460:24:49

be a meeting of the minds or the foreheads, you know.

0:24:490:24:52

LAUGHTER I'd love to know.

0:24:520:24:55

Because you never know, he could be one of those politicians who

0:24:550:24:58

just totally just discounts rap.

0:24:580:25:01

The whole genre, just totally no interest whatsoever.

0:25:010:25:04

I don't think you can discredit a whole genre of anything

0:25:040:25:06

because that kind of ignores that there are sub-genres

0:25:060:25:09

underneath that umbrella that can be as different from

0:25:090:25:13

each other as, you know, like,

0:25:130:25:15

I mean, there's sub-genres of rap that are as different to each

0:25:150:25:18

other as like classical and metal music. You know, it's nuts.

0:25:180:25:21

Like, you can have intelligent rap, rap that you consider intelligent.

0:25:210:25:25

Might not necessarily be good, might be amazing, might be shit.

0:25:250:25:28

You know? You can have intelligent rap that is boring as hell.

0:25:280:25:32

You can have dumb rap that's incredibly entertaining. You know?

0:25:320:25:36

Some of my favourite rap is dumb as hell, man.

0:25:360:25:39

Some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I can't deny I love

0:25:390:25:42

it, it's entertaining. You know? You know like those dudes who have, like,

0:25:420:25:46

just discovered metaphor and simile, like TODAY? You know those guys?

0:25:460:25:50

LAUGHTER Oh, love those dudes, man! They're my favourite guys, you know?

0:25:500:25:54

# So much ice on my watch, I could freeze time! #

0:25:540:25:58

LAUGHTER

0:25:580:26:01

Bruv, I don't think you heard me.

0:26:060:26:09

I said, so much ICE on my WATCH,

0:26:090:26:11

I could FREEZE...TIME!

0:26:110:26:16

LAUGHTER

0:26:180:26:22

Do you see what I'm saying?

0:26:220:26:23

So, essentially, yeah, essentially, cuz, are you following, yeah?

0:26:230:26:26

Essentially, yeah, essentially, the hands of time are what, bruv?

0:26:260:26:29

Are what? Frozen.

0:26:290:26:31

Yeah? Frozen. And what is the nature of ice, cuz? It's cold, bruv!

0:26:310:26:35

It's too deep!

0:26:350:26:38

It's too deep, cuz! It's too deep for certain heads!

0:26:380:26:40

Oh, yeah! Blood, whoo...

0:26:400:26:43

Bruv, I'm havin' visions, cuz!

0:26:430:26:46

Whoo! It's too deep for certain heads, cuz.

0:26:460:26:49

Man's having visions. LAUGHTER

0:26:490:26:52

Ladies and gents, that's the show. That is the show.

0:26:520:26:55

That's basically how it ends. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:550:26:59

Erm, yeah, that's... That is it.

0:26:590:27:01

HE CHUCKLES

0:27:040:27:05

A bit weird, innit?

0:27:050:27:08

Bit of a weird ending.

0:27:090:27:11

Bit of a weird ending but there you go, there you go. You know...

0:27:110:27:14

Erm, yeah, that's it, you know, just go in peace, you know.

0:27:140:27:19

That's it, enjoy your lives. LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:22

And I mean lives, because I'm never going to see you again,

0:27:220:27:25

that's not going to happen. You know? Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

0:27:250:27:28

And don't enjoy your lives because someone told you life is short, all right?

0:27:280:27:32

Don't feel like, "Oh, YOLO, you know, who cares?"

0:27:320:27:36

Don't enjoy life because life is short.

0:27:360:27:38

Enjoy it because it's long and it's boring as hell, all right?

0:27:380:27:43

So, just make the most.

0:27:440:27:46

I'll tell you what is fleeting, what is fleeting is love and happiness.

0:27:460:27:50

When those two come past,

0:27:500:27:52

you should grab hold of them and try not to let them go, all right?

0:27:520:27:55

Now, listen, you lot have been great, I love you,

0:27:550:27:57

my name is Doc Brown. I'm out of here. Peace.

0:27:570:28:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:05

ROCK MUSIC

0:28:200:28:23

Fresh from co-starring with Ricky Gervais on his movie Life on the Road, Ben Bailey Smith, aka Doc Brown, brings his seamless mix of rap and stand-up to the BBC as he dissects country life, fatherhood and being cool.


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