Happy & Glorious Michael McIntyre

When I think of Michael, I think of...

Shaking of the hair.

This programme contains some strong language.

INDISTINCT

Some people say that my husband Mark

looks rather like Michael McIntyre.

I think you'll find, pal, that is legal tender!

In my house we don't just have one mad drawer, we have two.

Drachma!

SHE PUFFS LOUDLY WITH EACH STROKE

-I'm not a glider.

-I'm a glider.

Yes, that IS wine.

It's cheesy!

The fake tan's out, ready to become mahogany Katie. Pow!

-BOTH:

-But the plane won't leave without us!

Noooo juice.

No...juice.

I'm in Ireland. Where do I go, "fir" or "mna"?

Do you want some?

Me...and you...outside.

I'm utterly gazebo'ed.

That slow car in this lane. Retreat to the loser lane where you belong!

My name is fiiive-spiiice.

Five-spice!

-ALL:

-Five-spice.

I'm five times as good as all of you.

"Excuse me!" "What is it, who are you?"

"Well, I've been in the cupboard longer

"than these four put together."

"Well, what's your name then?"

"John West tuna, nice to meet you."

Pants down!

CHILDREN SCREAM

-Ladies...

-..and...

-..gentlemen...

-please...

-..welcome...

ALL: ..Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING

Come on! Bravo!

HIGH-PITCHED: Let's goooo!

Let's do this! Yay!

Oh, yeah, it's on.

Oh, this is very exciting for me.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my show.

It's a special night. It's my last night here...

CHEERING

So, look, do you think I've lost weight?

Is that something...?

CHEERING Come on!

I'm so hungry!

LAUGHTER

The truth is, I lost quite a lot of weight and I'm putting it back on.

I've got to that stage where it's going back on and I'm in denial.

I'm lying to myself about it.

I still weigh myself every day on the scales,

but I do it first thing in the morning.

I take all my clothes off, take my watch off, breathe out...

and then I stand on it,

but I don't stay on the scales for it to tell me the full reading.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm lying to myself.

I literally just sort of go, "That seems fine. What's for breakfast?"

I've got these old-fashioned scales.

I've actually twiddled the thing below the zero.

"I'm exactly the same."

It all started last, well, last year,

sometimes people when they lose weight they have a moment

in their life and they think, "I'm going to go on a diet now.

"I'm determined to lose weight."

I had a thing happen to me. I was on my son's iPad.

I say it's my son's iPad, he's only ten, it's obviously my iPad.

He has it a lot. If you're a parent and you're raising your children

without the use of iPads, I applaud you.

I don't know how you're doing that. iPads are magical.

They are magical. They shut your children up

at any time, day or night.

My eldest, he wakes up at about 5:30 every morning.

He just runs in. "Morning!"

I'm like, "Not for me", and I just frisbee an iPad at him.

"88% battery, that's you for two hours, go on.

"Lower the brightness, you might get more time out of it."

They're so lucky, our children,

they've got iPads and iPods and iPhones.

In our day we had i...spy.

How shit... LAUGHTER

..was our life compared to the lives of our children get to enjoy today?

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with...

"C." "Is it cloud?"

"No." "Is it car?"

"Yes. Your turn."

What?!

I actually played thumb war with my ten-year-old the other day

to show him some of the games that we had to endure.

I said to him, "Do you want to play thumb war?

He was like, "Shall I download it?" "No, you can't download thumb war."

This is a battle between my thumb and your thumb, you know?

You interlock hands, you declare it - one, two, three, four -

you don't go straight into battle. "I declare a thumb war."

Then you sort of jockey for position,

hold the other person's thumb down and you're the winner.

He's got his little ten-year-old thumb,

I've got my huge daddy thumb, I thought I'd go easy on him.

But, of course, I didn't realise

that he's been texting since he was born!

He was some kind of thumb war ninja.

I could barely see his thumb moving.

It was like the mini Matrix.

He just kept beating me over and over again.

"Agh! Stop doing that, get back on the iPad."

But sometimes you need to use iPads.

It's a pacifier. Parents know what it's like,

sometimes you need to calm your children down.

You need a break, you need a break from your children.

The best way, of course, to pacify your children, as we all know,

is drugs. Actual drugs are the most effective.

Calpol is the drug of choice for children.

You give them Calpol when they have colds and runny noses and stuff.

But there are side effects.

You notice it, it sort of calms them down,

makes them more lucid, they sleep through the night...

They become better people, you'll prefer them.

You'll find yourself almost hoping

that they get slight little colds and things.

"Someone just needs to sneeze near my children."

"Atchoo!" "I think we should give both children Calpol just in case."

I remember the first time I gave my eldest Calpol.

He was a little baby.

We were so worried about him, my wife and I kept rereading

the instructions, 1.5ml, you know,

we were apologising to his little runny nose.

"Mummy and daddy, we love you so much,

"we're so sorry to put this foreign substance into your body,

"but we wouldn't do it if we didn't love you."

Within a few months, we're just hosing him in the face.

HOARSE: "Go to sleep!"

It's even more fun now, because you don't have to put it on spoons.

Oh, it's so satisfying. They come with these little plastic syringes.

You can just suck it up and squirt it in their little face

like you're filling them up with petrol.

"Schoom, schoom!"

Sometimes they don't even know I've done it.

They're just watching telly with their mouths slightly hanging open.

I just come in with a couple of loaded syringes. "Schoom, schoom."

"Right, that's the kids done, come on, darling,

"let's go upstairs for some us time."

Frisbee a couple of iPads in case they cotton on to the situation.

My wife's actually got a belt

with ready-made Calpol syringes holstered.

She does other people's children after school.

HE MIMICS FIRING SYRINGES

"You'll thank me for that, guys.

"Call me in four to six hours if you need."

And it's a wonderful moment in every parent's life when you find out

the news that you can give your children Calpol AND Nurofen...

..at the same time!

You can double-barrel this!

"Pa-ching, pa-ching."

"See you next Thursday,

"your mother and I are off to France on a mini break."

APPLAUSE

It's not quite that bad.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-They've sort of...

They've sort of become addicted, if I'm honest,

maybe not to Calpol, but certainly to the iPads.

We all are, aren't we?

We are all addicted to iPads and technology and phones.

Let's be honest, I say good morning to my phone

before I say good morning to my wife.

I literally roll over and check my messages.

I have it everywhere - in the bath with me.

I was thinking, I've not had a bath

without taking my phone for years.

I just need to be constantly entertained on Google,

and internet, looking at old photos and stuff.

But sometimes it rings in the bath and you don't know what to do.

You don't know whether to pick it up.

There's something about being in the bathroom,

there is some kind of echo that goes on.

That even though you don't tell them you're in the bath,

because it's very embarrassing for them,

they always seem to know. Something goes on.

They always go, "Are you in the bath?"

And I deny it. "I'm not in the bath."

The other day I was chatting away on loudspeaker,

my friend said "Are you in the bath?

I said, "How do people always know I'm in the bath?"

And he said, "Because you FaceTime me." "Shit!

"I'll call you back!"

I was literally sort of dangling it around my belly button,

it was awful.

So I went on this, I went to my son's iPad, my iPad, on this app,

it's called the Akinator,

this was the encouragement for me to start losing weight.

It's basically quite a boring game,

it's like 20 Questions, you think of a famous person,

it asks you a series of questions, you answer yes or no

and it narrows it down and suggests the famous person you're thinking of.

And while my son was at school, purely for egotistical reasons,

I thought I would see if I was featured as a famous person

in the game. So, it goes...

"Think of a famous person."

I'm, like, "OK, got him.

"I've been thinking about him a lot recently."

And then it starts asking questions.

"Is he a man?" I go, "Yes, obviously."

"Is he American?"

"No." "Is he a singer?" "No."

It narrowed it down to a British comedian with dark hair,

and I was getting a bit excited, I thought, "I wonder if I'm featured?"

It's nearly time. And then it goes... On the actual app, it said,

"Is he slightly overweight - yes or no?"

So I had this horrible moment of brutal honesty, took a deep breath,

clicked yes, and it went, "Is it Michael McIntyre?"

And showed me...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A picture of my fat face!

It felt so official. So I haven't really eaten since then.

That was the encouragement for me.

And I've been exercising as well.

I mean, I've been exercising less recently, but, like,

my wife was much more keen for me to get fit than not fat.

She doesn't mind what I look like, as long as I stop hurting myself.

Normally people injure themselves and they have a story.

You say, "How'd you do that?" "I've hurt my arm." "What happened?"

And they'll tell you something landed on it, or they fell.

I just kept hurting myself and I had no idea what happened.

Just by being alive. I would just start hurting myself.

An example of this, a good example,

is last year I actually pulled a muscle in my back

reaching for food on the lower shelf of the fridge!

This is a sign, isn't it?

I felt it go, "Crack", and rather than calling for help

I ate all the food that I could reach.

There was a Yop that was slightly out of my reach.

That's when I called for...

"Help! I need that Yop and I may have broken my back."

These are sad signs.

I did this terrible thing to my arm as well.

No idea how it happened.

Right in here. Total agony. I couldn't even open my arm.

It was... "Agh!" ..excruciating.

I had to open it in the morning,

just spend the day with it open like this.

I didn't even know how I did it.

Finally I went to the doctor, he examined me

and he said, "I know exactly what this is.

"You've got golfer's elbow. How often do you play?"

I'm like, "I don't play golf."

He said, "You must, you've got golfer's elbow."

"I've never played golf." "This is very peculiar,

"I've never seen anybody with this who doesn't play golf.

"It's a very specific injury to golfers.

"You must have recreated golf somehow in your domestic life."

You must have been shouting at the children, "Whose shoe is this?

"This shoe should be by the door!

"We're late, get your bag and get in the car!"

I cricked my neck last year watching a football match.

I wasn't even playing in the match. I was at the football,

I wanted them to head it, I was like,

"Get in", and cricked my neck, got it stuck in this position.

I could only watch one half of the match.

That's embarrassing to go to the doctor.

"Who do you play for?" "I don't play,

"I was watching other people and I've hurt myself terribly.

It was like that for days.

Because we've all cricked our necks, haven't we?

We've all done that. But it normally comes from sleeping, sleeping funny.

Because we do, we sleep funny.

You wake up and you're in pain, you discuss it with your partner.

"I must have slept funny, did you see me? Was it hilarious?

"I'm in a lot of pain from my funny sleep.

"I must have slept really funny.

"I've hurt my neck. "Did you sleep funny? You must have slept hilariously funny."

Because every position we can get our bodies into

we would have slept in at one time or another,

and I don't know why.

Because we always start the night as we hope to go on.

You don't start like that, you don't go, "Goodnight", and suddenly...

You start in the perfect position.

You get your head on the pillow,

duvet comes in, "Night, darling, love you.

"I'm in my perfect position. She's in her perfect position."

"Love you, too." Sometimes there's some cuddling,

sometimes I cuddle her in her perfect position, "I love you",

but I'm not in my perfect position. And my arm is trapped.

I can't sleep like that. I'm just reassuring her of love.

Because soon I have to roll away.

"I love you, but now it is time for me to roll away

"to my perfect position."

To be honest, she normally initiates the roll away.

"That's enough now, it's time for you to roll away, go on, I'm tired."

You're interrupting my perfect position.

Then you roll away.

That could be quite an ambiguous move. Sometimes I...

"Are you inviting the situation? I didn't know we're scheduled..."

"No, no, darling, quite the opposite, roll away now."

You roll away.

In fact, as you get quite old, you actually roll away

and you go down the corridor to your new room.

That...is a depressing moment in the relationship.

"I love you, but not enough to sleep in the same room.

"I'm going to take the one where the children have now vacated."

My wife goes to sleep before me because she's tired.

I think that's the thing, why people go to sleep.

She is exhausted. She works very hard.

I don't. I do this. It's a riot.

I'm up all night, just watching telly.

Sitting there. Lying there, watching telly with the controls.

And I see her sleeping. I'm an observer of the sleeping person.

And I see how the perfect position

almost immediately starts to mess up.

The leg comes out and she starts edging over to my side.

HE MIMICS SNORING

Breathing. The mouth sort of falls.

Pushing me off. Even though I've seen her brushing her teeth

ten, 15 minutes before, the breath is already slightly on the turn.

HE MIMICS SNORING

Wedge pillows in front of her.

She does that weird jolting thing.

You know, when she just nods off and then she suddenly

will wake herself up. "Ahh!"

"You all right, darling?"

"Oh, my God. Oh, Michael, I thought I was falling,

"I thought I was falling."

"You're not falling, darling, if anything you're too much on my side.

"You're pushing me. You should be closer to falling.

"You keep moving over here. I'm going to be falling, darling.

"Go on, get back to sleep.

"I love you, darling."

Then she'll go back to sleep in the perfect position.

Then the leg comes back out. HE MIMICS SNORING

The breath, the mumbling.

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

She mumbles to herself as well.

"How am I supposed to...?"

Because it's not beautiful. She's a beautiful woman,

my wife, but it's supposed to be romantic.

In movies, we see people looking at each other sleeping,

and it's quite romantic, isn't it, when they're falling in love?

I'll watch you when you're sleeping, she'll be lying there,

look at my beautiful face in the moonlight.

And he's like, "I'm falling in love with you,

"you're so beautiful in the perfect position

"with your beautiful face." Maybe she turns a bit.

"I'm even more beautiful over here.

"Maybe I'll just do this a little bit,

"but I'm still incredibly gorgeous."

The reality is not romantic.

It's more of a horror movie, if I'm honest.

Sometimes I look over and my wife's eyes just pop open in my face.

Terrifying!

I'll look over and she's...

HE MIMICS SNORING

Then suddenly...

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

"Are you awake?"

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

She mumbles in a language that I don't even understand.

Sometimes she argues with herself in tongues.

"Bla-bla-bla. How did I even know that?

"Michael? Mich..."

HE MIMICS SNORING

HE ALTERNATES GIBBERISH AND SNORING

The only time she smiles sweetly, and I regret saying this,

is when the night farts kick in.

I think it's important that

we establish that my wife is a beautiful woman.

She's very prim and proper.

And she hasn't actually farted in the daytime

in the 15 years we've been together.

And it's a record we're both very proud of.

But I'm here to tell you, unfortunately,

her night record is not nearly as strong.

It's biology. They have to come out at some stage.

And she sort of reacts to them as well.

HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND

"Oh!"

LAUGHTER, HE TALKS GIBBERISH

HE MIMICS BREAKING WIND, TALKS GIBBERISH

"Michael?"

HE MIMICS SNORING

The other night, I don't what she'd eaten,

but it was like a fireworks display.

It sort of built to a finale.

She was literally like...

HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

HE MIMICS RAPID-FIRE BREAKING OF WIND

Then one big one at the end. She woke herself up! "Agh!

"My God. Michael.

"There was a bang, what was that bang?

"I heard a really big bang.

"Why's the TV on so loud? Why's this pillow on my face?

"What's been going on?

"Why is the window open? Talk to me.

"What time is it? What's the lamp doing on the floor?

"There was a bang.

I love telling this, because I literally look into the audience

and I see men pissing themselves laughing,

and just the occasional woman sitting there going,

"I'm not exactly sure what you're laughing at."

So, this happens last year, one of these big sleeps,

and my wife's been sleeping funny all night.

And she wakes up and she cricks her neck.

And she's, like, Michael, "I must have slept funny, are you there?

"I've slept really funny. I've got a cricked neck.

"Are you there, Michael? Wake up!"

And I'm asleep doing all my own...

HE MIMICS SNORING, BREAKING WIND

And the shock of her hitting me and my general lack of fitness

at the time meant that I woke up... "Crack." ..and I crick my own neck.

I'm now stuck in this position.

I'm, like, "Shit, ow, I think I've cricked my neck,

"I must have slept funny. Are you there, darling? Are you there?"

"Come round." She's like, "Don't take the piss."

"Come round. I'm not taking the piss.

"But I've cricked my neck!" "But I've cricked MY neck."

So we had this really weird sort of half-awake argument,

which actually turned quite nasty at one point.

She is, like, "Say that to my face."

"I wish I could, I've got no way of doing that right now."

So, of course, I was the one to cave in.

I got out of the bed slowly...

..made my way around.

It took me a while to locate her.

"Hello? Hello, darling, are you OK?"

"Michael, if you're taking the piss out of me,

"I will divorce you, do you understand?"

It was this really weird day

where I was literally stuck in this position,

she was stuck in that position.

We should never have driven the children to school.

I think this just shows how desperate

you are to get your kids to school.

We should have walked or got a taxi, but literally,

the kids are in the back, obviously,

I went sort of side-saddle in the passenger seat.

My wife was even worse, she's just looking at the house.

"Well, everything's fine at home, shall we head off slowly?"

And I directed her.

It was going fine until we got to the roundabout

where we literally just risked it. We just sailed in...

"ARGHHH!"

Until I saw the turning. "Left, now, left, now!"

Crossing the road was fun because I had to go this

until I reached halfway, and then turned.

With her doing exactly the opposite. It was like it was choreographed.

The other parents were like,

"They've got a lot of time on their hands.

"Synchronised dropping off the kids to school.

"How creepy." When we were picking up the kids, I was like this,

my wife's like that,

people are walking past going, "Wow, they've had a row."

But my best news, physically, which I'd like to share with you,

ladies and gentlemen, is that I can walk properly now.

OK? I walk heel-to-toe, which is the recommended way to walk.

I'm hamming it up slightly. CHEERING

You seem very impressed. That's how you're supposed to walk,

that's how you walk - heel-to-toe,

it's not something that comes naturally to me.

I actually walk on my toes naturally,

but I now have something called corrective shoes.

Very sexy(!)

And they force me to be a normal person like you.

I'll show you, they're called orthotics, they're in my shoes,

and they basically, they're shaped to push my feet to behave normal,

heel-to-toe. Because without them, I revert, I'll show you.

I've got these little, flat feet, and I walk as if I'm falling.

That's my natural walk.

Completely on my toes.

Like I'm being pushed at the beginning of the day.

"See you later. Oh, am I off? Thanks, darling.

"I'll be home at about 5:30 if I can find a route back to you."

You'll have seen on my other DVDs, I can't stop myself,

I'm literally just...

And I run on my toes as well.

I run up. This is my natural run.

This is how I feel most comfortable.

Please, don't laugh, because people have laughed...

CHEERING

..at my proper run. I run up.

Because you're supposed to run on your heels and toes,

but...my feet won't do it.

I've tried my whole life to be like you, but it just doesn't...

I can't get it going.

It just feels so unnatural to run like that.

And how do you get any speed, anyway?

I don't get it. I mean, why don't you just fucking run?

HE SIGHS

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking,

"Why don't you just run on your toes and walk on your toes?

"Be the man you were born to be.

"You don't have to conform to the masses."

But the thing is, I do,

because when you're on your toes all the time,

I had terrible pain in my calf muscles. And also, they've ballooned

to a quite unhealthy sort of monster level.

I'm going to show you what I've done.

But seriously, this will frighten some of you.

You'll be pleased at your seats

when I show you the monster that I have become.

I literally have the biggest calves you've ever seen.

I mean, to put it in perspective, they're the size of a shoe!

Look at this.

Yes, don't zoom in, that's just taking the piss, isn't it?

You can see what I've done, look.

That's what's happened.

When you're on your toes...

HE GIGGLES

It's like someone's trying to get out.

HIGH-PITCHED: "Help...me..."

Because I've actually got quite little thighs.

Don't worry, I'm not going to take my trousers off.

Cos I don't really use my thighs.

I was on holiday in the summer, and I was in my shorts by the pool,

and there was this kid and his mum, and he said,

"Mummy, why is that man's legs on upside-down?"

That's rude. I chased him round the pool.

"Say that to my face, you little shit."

People started laughing at my run. "I know how to run, you wankers!"

So, I got sent off to the clinic, the orthotics clinic,

where they analysed my walking and they prescribed these things.

I've got to tell you, one of the funniest places I've never been,

because everybody in there was like me.

They're all my peeps. They all needed walking correcting.

Nobody could walk in there. So I came in with my flat foot.

My wife gave me a push from the car.

"Oh, I'm going in now, OK." Hello, I'm here for my 11:30."

"Do take a seat. You'll be in shortly."

"Thank you." I went to take a seat.

The next guy came in, - I'm not exaggerating -

it was like he was ice skating.

I literally, I don't even know how he was walking forward.

His legs were thrusting left and right, but not forward.

It was like he was doing everything. Like he kept changing his mind.

"Is it that way or that way? I've no idea."

He might as well have just put his hands behind his back

and just gone the whole hog.

"I'm here for my 11:45, I set off on foot at 6am."

"Take a seat, please." "Is it all the way over there? Very annoying.

"Shit, I've kicked you, I do that, I'm sorry.

"It's one of the reasons I'm here." This guy came out before us,

who'd been seen. And he had this amazing sort of rolling hip,

sort of all pelvis,

like he was listening to music that you couldn't hear.

It was actually pretty cool.

But this guy had come out. He was in his orthotics.

He had been fixed.

God only knows the state of the man as he came to pick them up.

"Hello, I'm here to pick up my orthotics."

"Thank you. It's better, I wouldn't say it was perfect, but it's good.

"It's a step in the right direction."

"Which is more than you can do, I saw you come in, sorry about that."

I would have loved to have seen us all walking together.

If somebody came in and said, "Traffic warden outside.

"Oh, shit, mine's the Vauxhall Astra, I'm never going to make it."

"I'm coming, I'll sort you out, don't worry about that."

"Did somebody say traffic warden? Here I come.

"I'm faster without these. Come on!"

So now I'm back, I'm 100%, I'm heel-to-toe, I'm thrilled.

My calves are actually getting a little smaller.

I've got my shoes on like that, so as not to waste time.

BREATHLESS: And I...

LAUGHTER

This happened the other night. I've got this slightly tight suit.

All right. We're nearly there...

LAUGHING: This one's... Fuck.

I've made it worse!

You're sitting there watching me do this on the screen.

I wonder if you'll help me, please.

I can't do the show. Can you just pull it down? Would you mind?

Don't pull me off the stage.

I thought maybe your husband would help.

Look at him, he's a... I'm sorry, do you mind?

Sorry. I do have a show to do.

Literally 15,000 people waiting, if you don't mind.

Why didn't you do it? You're so strong.

She's a doctor, apparently.

LAUGHTER

She's a doctor!

Thank you so much. Doctor... Thank you, doctor.

Stu, you should have done that. He's sitting going, "She's a doctor."

You can't use that as every excuse.

"Darling, get the bags from the car."

"You're the doctor. I'll be inside."

So I can walk properly now,

it's not to say walking isn't without incident.

I was telling a story the other day and I remembered this.

A very odd walking occurrence. Probably the weirdest in my life.

I don't think this happened to anybody

apart from me and this other person.

Certainly nobody in here. You know when you're walking along

and you sometimes walk next to a stranger,

you don't know them, but you find yourself

walking in the same direction alongside them?

You know. Same speed and everything.

And then you realise, and they realise,

so you slow down, speed up, you separate,

you don't spend the rest of the day with them.

Right? It must have been about ten years ago.

And there was a stranger,

a Japanese businessman, and he's walking,

I'm oblivious to him, he's very much oblivious to me,

because I'm behind him.

And I'm sort of catching up to him, and you know as you walk,

your arms swing, you have a natural sort of arm swing, like that?

So, I'm catching up to him, and just as I'm catching up to him,

my right hand was on the upswing, like this, slow motion.

And the left hand of this Japanese businessman was on the downswing.

And our hands not only met in the street,

but interlocked with perfect precision.

And that's not even an easy thing to do with yourself.

Actually quite difficult. And you would think that

when that happens you would immediately pull away and go,

"That's really creepy, I'm sorry."

But our brains couldn't compute just how odd this moment was.

And we held on. We clutched for two or three of the most awkward strides

of my entire life. I'm literally walking along the street,

and suddenly I'm holding hands with a Japanese businessman.

I'll never forget his face.

He was, like...

ORIENTAL ACCENT: .."Who the fuck are you?!

"What are you doing holding my hand?!

"I don't know you!

He must have seen me on TV over the years.

"This is the guy! He held my hand in the road!"

I don't know what happened to him.

But I've got to tell you, these shoes,

they've slowed me down a little bit.

My old walk was faster, heel-to-toe, it's quite leisurely,

because sometimes you need to walk fast,

because you're not allowed to run in some social situations,

but you need to be going as fast as you can.

Like, when I came back from holiday recently, you're racing.

When the plane lands, you're racing.

Everybody on the plane, to get to the bags.

It's a race but it's not acknowledged.

Nobody acknowledges it's a race but there are passengers

who become competitors as soon as the seat belt sign is on.

The captain might as well go,

"Welcome to London Heathrow, on your marks, get set, go!"

Sometimes you politely let people off into the aisle.

"After you, no, please, after you." But you're eyeballing them,

"I'll get you in the tunnel, dickhead."

"This lead that I just gave you,

"I'll be reclaiming that in the funnel

"before we even reach the tunnel."

Because as soon as you get out, you've got your bags,

you start jockeying for position, overtaking.

Sometimes they respond, but they never look over.

They never acknowledge there's a race.

They speed up. "No, you bloody don't."

But they never will acknowledge that it's a race.

I know exactly what's going on here.

People's children. "I need to pee!" "There's no way we can pee,

"we're in fourth place, piss your pants, we could win this, come on."

I like it when you get to the moving floor, you know, the travelator?

When you step on and suddenly you're moving at twice the speed.

Because right next to the moving floor is a non-moving floor option.

Which I think we can just call "floor" now that I think of it.

"Floor."

And most normal people take the moving floor option

because the bloody floor is moving!

But some people, you know who you are, you decide,

for some reason, you can beat all of the people on the moving floor.

And you realise your mistake quite early and have to justify it

by bringing out the fastest walk you've ever even attempted.

"I'm justified to take the non-moving floor.

"I will beat all of you.

But you can't. People on the moving floor are just like,

"You're never going to beat me. I'm on a moving floor, dickhead."

It doesn't matter how well you do in the race,

there's only one actual winner of the race, as we all know,

and that's the elderly on the back of the buggy.

And don't they love their little moment as they come beeping past?

"Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!"

But then you've got to get through customs.

And let's be honest, that slows you down.

It doesn't matter if you've done very well out of your plane,

because lots of other planes are arriving at the same time.

And then when you've got to do the passport,

that's when it can be big queues regardless

of how well you've done in your initial race.

That's where they have the big ropes.

The big zigzag rope system, to accommodate all the people.

Right? And sometimes you get that and there are no people.

You can't believe it. It's amazing.

It's just like, "Oh, this is the holy grail!

"It's just empty ropes and people waiting for their passports.

"We're going to be out of here in no time."

I don't know how other nationalities deal with this situation.

I presume that Americans just hurdle the ropes.

"Yee-hah!" "Yee-hah!"

"Pass me the kids, honey!" "Whoo!"

"Whoo!" "Yee-hah!"

Germans, probably, "Unhook ze rope," family comes through,

"then rehooks ze rope on ze other side."

"Unhook ze next rope, family, come on through,

"and now I shall rehook ze rope on the other side!"

"Unhook ze following rope, family comes through."

Brazilians probably do limbo under the rope.

British people, it doesn't even cross their minds.

We just look at the ropes, and off we go.

Pause for an American - "Yee-hah!"

You can shake the passport guy's hand.

You've still got a 45-minute walk ahead of you.

They don't check your passports. They know you're British by the way you handle the rope system.

"Put that passport away, sir. Come on through. Welcome home."

"Baggage reclaim 4. Hope you had a great hol."

I think it's amazing how British people are so obedient of the rope system.

I feel we should have them up and about in life to force people into exercise.

Those problems in this country with obesity and lack of

exercise - let's have rope systems people just find themselves in.

As it stands, you can just go to the supermarket.

You go to the cake aisle and put cake in your trolley,

and chocolate biscuits,

and profiteroles, and doughnuts, and cheese.

What I'm suggesting is, just as you're reaching for the doughnuts,

there's a little rope system that you find yourself... "What?!"

"I wanted the doughnuts!

"Where am I going?"

"You're going to the park, fatty!"

"Those doughnuts are eight miles from you.

"You'll get them when you deserve them."

I don't even go to the supermarket any more.

I think this is why I've put on so much weight.

I just order food on my laptop.

Online, you know? They just deliver it.

You just keep clicking food. "I want that, that looks yummy.

"Put it in my basket, bring it to me and I will eat it!"

"I don't know how to change the amount. I don't care. I'll eat them all!"

Click a time slot and they come round.

Open the door, they're on the doorstep with all the bags.

Then they're like, "Would you like me to bring it in?"

I'm like, "Ideally, I want you to feed me.

"Shovel it in my mouth! Then take the bags for recycling."

Although at least when you don't go to the supermarket, you don't eat on the way round.

That's always very depressing. You know, I'm just so greedy.

We've all done this. You haven't even bought it yet, but you start consuming it.

Then you've got that horrible moment of confession at the till.

You just have to present wrappers.

"I'm so sorry, I had this. I've got the wrapper.

"Can you get the information required,

"and I'll pay you back, because it's in my tummy?

"I appear to have had this lasagne. It was frozen.

And I get sick. "It just looked so yummy on the photo!"

"Would you like a bag, sir?"

"I just need a bin. I've eaten it all. It's in my tummy."

You don't do that in any other shop.

In a shop, in a clothes shop, wearing everything.

"Scan me! I'm double parked, I've got to get out of here." Beep, beep, beep!

My wife shops at Waitrose.

People who shop at Waitrose just love shopping at Waitrose.

WHOOPING People are whooping Waitrose.

What a moment to reveal just how middle-class you are.

The middle classes DIG Waitrose.

They love telling people about it because they're basically saying

they can afford it. "I shop at Waitrose!"

They just drop it into conversation. "I've got to stop off at WAITROSE!

"So I'll see you later, I'm going to WAITROSE.

"Just so you all know, I can afford WAITROSE!"

They sell all the same stuff as other supermarkets.

They just charge more for it and people enjoy going there.

There are no deals. That's what frustrates you.

Every other supermarket has deals.

Like, buy-one-get-one-free exists in every other supermarket but not in Waitrose.

In Waitrose, it's, "Buy one, and you're perfectly welcome to buy another one,

"but it'll cost you the same as the first,

"but about ten times more than any other supermarket."

"Do come in." "Don't mind if I do! WAITROSE!"

I've never seen anybody in the Waitrose car park return the trolley for the pound.

It is simply not worth it to them.

They unload the bags into the back of the Range Rover.

They think about it, they try to get the pound.

"Oh, no, the pound, it's stuck. It's stuck.

"I've got to go all the way over there to the trolley chain for a pound.

"Well, that's not exactly worth it after I've spent all this on my shopping."

And then they do the sort of push away.

They just go...

"Fuck off."

It's the Waitrose posh push!

"Fuck off."

And the trolley sort of rolls away,

and then careers into another Range Rover for another posh person.

"What the - fuck off! - is that doing there?"

There's normally someone from Aldi in the bushes. "I'll have that!"

"Get my week's shopping done on that quid, you idiot.

"It's all the same shit you just bought, darling. Half the price."

They've got Waitrose and Marks & Spencer's now

in the motorway services. It's like, this is good news for me

because this is where I live my life.

Some of the entertainment options are a little bit peculiar.

I mean, what about those massage chairs?!

Who goes on those? Those big leather massage chairs, in the daylight,

in the middle of the services. I've never seen a trucker sitting on that

going, "Yeah, after a few hours on Britain's uneven roads,

"this is-is-is exactly what I require.

"Oh, look, there's a shiatsu option.

"Cancel the spa break, darling, it's like a holiday."

I saw one the other day that was outside the loos.

People were coming out sort of splashing their washed hands.

"Oh, hydrotherapy - I'm getting more than I bargained for here!"

But those loos, seriously, in the services,

are the most depressing place that I have to go in my life.

I can't stand it, when you've got to actually go into the cubicle.

Because I never just open doors or anything, I always spend a bit of time.

There's always, like, a long line of doors.

I spend a bit of time trying to work out which one I want to open, which one feels lucky, you know?

Because you don't want to open it and see something that you don't want to see. Understand?

It's like the most unimaginably awful episode of Deal Or No Deal.

In Deal Or No Deal, if you win, you get £250,000.

In this motorway services loo selection version,

a win is just clean.

Just clean!

You open the door, it's like, "Oh, I won!

It's clean.

There's a loo seat and a lock.

It's beautiful, there's lots of loo roll.

Deal!

But we've all had that equivalent of the 1p box.

When you open the door

and you're like, "Oh, it's a full house...of depravity."

Overflowing, unflushed loo.

No loo roll, no loo seat.

Piss all over the floor.

Obscenities written on the wall. No lock on the door.

I was in one the other day.

I opened the door, it was exactly the situation.

As I walked in, there was a sign that said,

"These loos were last checked and cleaned at 2:30."

I looked at my watch, it was 2:42.

THIS had happened in the last 12 minutes!

What kind of MONSTER had been in there?

Who in their right mind goes in and fills up the whole loo,

and then thinks, "I'm going to need all this.

"Oh, there's a fresh loo roll, good.

"I'm going to need every single bit to deal with this situation!

"Whilst I was pissing on the floor, I forgot to piss.

"Might as well fill that in all around there - that looks nice."

Writing obscenities on the wall.

Then rips off the loo seat,

kicks off the lock and carries on with their life!

They could still be on the premises!

"Oh, that massage chair really got me going."

I don't understand.

And I don't understand where all the loo seats are.

You ask yourself these questions -

so many times in my life I've got into a public loo,

you open the door and there is no loo seat.

You just go, "Oh, there's no seat in that one.

"What about that one? Oh, there's no seat in that one.

"Oh, this one's got a seat. Yeah, I'll go in there."

Back up. Where are the seats? Who are you?

Where are they going?

Who in their right mind finishes on the loo and just thinks,

"That would look quite nice at home. Does that just screw off, does it?"

I've never seen anybody running through the services' car park

with a loo seat on their head.

"Don't ask, just drive. Look what Daddy got.

"And I got all the loo roll."

The doors, I don't understand as well.

Of all the doors in the world,

and there are a lot of doors in the world,

don't you think that the doors of a place where you are on the loo in

public should fill the space around you and give you maximum privacy?

These are the smallest doors in the world.

They literally don't even...

They sort of start from here, then they don't even go to the edges.

I was sitting on the loo the other day. I could see right through.

Just someone at the hand-dryer., just staring at me.

They're like cowboy doors.

They sort of go from... Why do they start here? I don't understand.

Why do people want to see the shitting feet of strangers?

Is that important to you? They come in,

"Oh, look. Some shitting feet. Shitting feet there.

"I feel great here, I know exactly what I'm supposed to do."

I don't understand it!

They sort of start here and they go sort of to here.

No, not to here. They go above your head.

That would be even worse. I suppose we need to be grateful for that.

Can you imagine?

"Are you going to be long, mate?" "A couple of minutes, I'd say."

They do. They do cut off your head.

But it goes all the way round. You can even see it in the next one.

The other day, there was a newspaper in my bit and I thought,

"That's going to be mine. I'm going to read that."

And I just reached for it, and a hand came under the door

and started taking it away. "No, you bloody don't!"

Although this is all I need to reveal now

for people to recognise me.

"I know those calves - it's Mr McIntyre, isn't it?"

Can I get a selfie?"

But obviously you have to go.

If you need to go, you've got to pull over. That's my life.

Children, of course, don't tolerate that.

When the children need to go to the loo and we're in the car,

I always say the same thing.

"You should've thought of that before."

"You should've thought of that before."

I say that because I've heard other parents say it.

But it's a very unreasonable request if you actually think it through.

People don't pre-plan when they need to go to the loo.

They just need to go to the loo. ADULTS don't think of it before.

But apparently children have to think of it before.

I think it would be quite creepy if they did.

"Before we set off, Daddy, I'd just like to point out

"that I did have two apple juices with my breakfast.

"And with my usual rate of digestion,

"I'd say I'll be needing a pee between 40 and 45 minutes.

"If you maintain this speed or between 70-75 mph,

"then speed equals distance over time

"and, according to this map, we'll be between junctions 14 and 17 of the M4 when I'm desperate for a pee.

"So I'm going to pee now in advance of setting off so as not to annoy you."

"You're a freak. I don't even think I want you in the car."

Don't think of it before!

But my children are doing very well.

They're ten and seven. They're amazing,

and I have to say, all respect to my wife,

who's doing an incredible, patient job of raising them.

I don't know how she does it. Because I can't do it. I had to babysit the other night.

I lose it very quickly. But it's not like my wife isn't without limits.

She has this thing - all women have this - she has a thing called a tether.

Now, I don't know what a tether is.

Men aren't allowed to know what a tether is.

All we know is that women will find themselves somewhere along the tether at any time of the day.

But we're not allowed any information as to where she is located upon it.

There's no tether monitor.

There's no updates. She doesn't update us.

No women update us on where they are on the tether.

The first we learn of where they are on the tether

is when they reach the END of the tether.

And this can literally happen at any time, out of the blue.

This happened the other day. I opened the fridge and it was empty.

I was like, "Darling, there's nothing in the fridge."

She just mimicked me. "Is there nothing in the fridge?!"

"I was just wondering what was for dinner."

"Whatever the fuck you want, Michael."

I think I know what's happened here.

"You've reached the end of your tether, haven't you?

"I didn't even know you were in the danger zone, darling.

"You should have warned me."

I took my wife out the other night for a date night.

This is a great way to get her down

to the more desirable place along the tether.

Great for tether readjustment, date night.

Of course, I ruined it. I took her to this really expensive restaurant and it just really wound me up.

They did this thing I've never seen before.

They gave me a menu, a normal menu with the food and the prices.

Then they gave her a menu with just the food. No prices.

So we had a very different experience in this restaurant.

She was like, "Oh, the lobster looks good."

I'm like, "No, it doesn't. It looks awful!"

"I think the green beans as a side order to share looks rather yummy."

She said, "I wonder what the catch of the day is."

"It's £45 and you're not having it, OK?"

I actually called the waiter over.

I'm like, "Sorry, £45 for the catch of the day?

"What is it you've caught?

"Because if it's not a mermaid, you're overcharging.

"Do you understand?"

But the best news for my wife's tether position and my whole family,

in fact, is that we've moved to the country.

It's been my wife's dream to have a place in the country.

It became my dream when she told me about it every day for 15 years.

So we've finally done it, this beautiful place in the country.

And I'm readjusting to country life.

There are things I didn't know about.

I mean, I'm a Londoner, I've lived here my whole life.

Things like plumbing. Never knew about plumbing.

You don't think about plumbing in London.

you just flush the loo and don't really care what goes on.

I wash my hands and carry on with my life.

But now I've bought a house, and there's no plumbing to it.

Didn't know that when I bought it.

There's a tank next to the house and everything from the loo goes into the tank.

It's called a septic tank and it gets changed once a year.

Tell me, honestly, is that living the dream, would you say?

You know when you buy a house and people are like,

"Oh, the previous owners left all their shit behind"?

That is exactly the situation I'm in!

I've got a shit tank next to my house!

So, I have to be honest with you,

being here is such a pleasure for me, you know?

I'm a little bit upset it's my last time.

But it really is, honestly, so much fun playing to you here.

CHEERING

Because I've been...all around the country building up to here.

And I've been going abroad as well.

That's nice, I didn't know that people knew me abroad.

I didn't know if they had YouTube, or something.

I don't know, the show was sold there.

But I started getting these phone calls,

and I went to Norway, and I went to...

IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: South Africa.

I got invited to go to South Africa. I'm sorry to do the accent,

but it's just too fun not to do, you know?

If you've got a little bit of time on your hands,

just talk to yourself in a South African accent, like this!

And if you don't know how to do it, just make sure that every syllable

that you say has nothing to do with the syllable directly before it, OK?

So I went to South Africa, and they invited me

to go to Cape Town and Johannesburg. And I kept telling people,

I'm going to Cape Town and Johannesburg to do comedy.

They'd always say the same thing - "You're going to love Cape Town."

I'd go, "What about Johannesburg?"

And they told me, almost to a man, that they knew somebody

or knew somebody who knew somebody who was shot in Johannesburg.

I looked it up online. Big mistake - it's murder capital of the world.

More people are shot in Johannesburg than anywhere else.

I tried to pull out. I called the office and said,

"Can I not do the Johannesburg one and just do Cape Town?"

They said, "Too late. You've sold the tickets, you've got to go."

"You're overreacting. It's a lovely venue. Look it up online."

So rather than going on the website, modern day, I went on Google Street View.

You know when there's that green man,

and you pick him up, and you drag him?

Then you drop him on the road, and that road comes up

because they photographed all the roads in the world.

So I dropped him outside the venue in Johannesburg to see what it looked like.

And HE got shot. That's when I knew...

..it wasn't such a good idea.

I also went to Australia. I went to 'Stralia, yeah.

Don't know if there's any Aussies in tonight,

but I went all the way to 'Stralia to do some shows.

The Aussies who live over here, they're kind of wild, you know?

Because they've come a long way.

They're like, "I'm going to make the most of it.

"Come on, yeah! I'm in London!"

The ones in Australia, they're the most relaxed people

I've ever met in my entire life.

They speak so slowly!

"Basically, I'm in no rush whatsoever.

"I mean, I'm miles away from everywhere on Earth.

"What's the point of rushing?

"I mean, we're 12 hours ahead.

"You're never going to catch up anyway."

Even in the airport, I've never heard less urgency.

"Flight number two...

.."Seven...

"Is that a four? Would you call that a four?!"

"Oh, that one's gone, that's my mistake.

"Too slow, I'm afraid. That's happened again!"

They go, "How you going?" They don't go, "How are you?"

They go, "How you going? How you going?" I'd never heard this.

I was checking in on an internal flight from Sydney to Adelaide.

I was like, "I'd like to go to Adelaide, please."

And this woman went, "How you going?"

I was like, "Aircraft? What kind of a place is this?!"

And I even went to Dubai, which was very good.

I wasn't playing to locals in Dubai. I was playing to expats.

I sold a load of tickets,

but I think they were just getting out of the heat.

I think it's really air conditioning that's the biggest draw in Dubai.

Because I've been to Dubai in the summer, last summer, on holiday.

The biggest mistake of my life. It is so hot

that you can't actually believe they built it.

It makes you quite angry. It's like an oven.

You know when people go, "It's like an oven!" It is.

The only other time I've experienced heat like this is, when you leave the oven on a long time

and you open it and it hits you in the face, like that. And I've never at that moment thought,

"I want to go on holiday in there."

"What do you think, darling?

"You, me and the kids, 280 degrees C, fan-assisted?"

I can't tell you how hot it was.

There was a revolving door in our hotel.

And when I revolved out from the air conditioning into the outside of Dubai,

I literally just revolved straight back in.

"We cannot go out there!" I can't tell you what it was like.

There were people going through with frozen chickens, coming round with Sunday lunches on the other side.

If the juices run clear, then it's ready.

"More crispy? One more revolution will do this!"

I don't understand revolving doors.

I think it should be illegal for strangers to get into your segment.

There it is, I said it.

It's hard enough when you've got in your segment

and you're trying to make your way round in that weird sort of segment revolving door walk.

It's the oddest thing, when a stranger slots in.

"Whoa, there's a stranger in my segment!

"Why doesn't he just wait a microsecond for his own segment?"

It's very hard to walk with another person in your segment.

I cannot believe a stranger has joined me in my segment!

I always eyeball them.

"I don't know you, you're a stranger!"

"I do know you! I hold your hand once in the road.

"Why you never remember me?

"You not call me or nothing. You come on so strong, then you disappear!"

But obviously, when we're on holiday in Dubai,

very dangerous for children.

The sun is so strong, it's very dangerous for the children.

This is why I have to put them in the shade. That's my responsibility.

You know, as a father. That's my responsibility.

I'm not married to a doctor, so I have to do things myself.

And by the pool, it's always about moving these umbrellas.

We've got these umbrellas. They block the sun. That's what they're for.

My wife always goes, "Can you just move the umbrella, darling,

"get the kids in the shade?" Well, this is easier said than done.

These umbrellas are the heaviest things in the world.

You can't just drag it to where you want to go. Oh, no!

The only way to move it is, you have to tilt it and twirl it,

like this. And twirl it.

And keep twirling it.

And twirl it again. And twirl it.

And then you end up where you started.

Sometimes you have to do a series of alternate tilts and twirls

to try and reach your destination.

And you find yourself moving further away.

You don't know how to get to where you're going.

My wife's like, "Where are you going?"

"I'm trying to get to you. Let me try and work this out!"

I saw another dad get closer to my kids.

"Why don't you save my children and I'll try and get round to yours?"

And then when I was checking in,

this bloke came through reception with an umbrella, like this.

He was like, "I'm not even staying at this hotel."

"I'm supposed to be in Sharm El Sheikh.

"Tell my wife I love her. My kids must have melted by now!"

Obviously, going on holiday, it's about getting away from the country.

It's also about getting away from people as well.

I want you to know that I love British people.

I would never live anywhere but here.

I'm one of you, I love you. But on holiday...

..I can't really stand you. There's something about Brits.

I'm one of them, but I just feel so much better with foreigners because

you feel like you're away. We seem to be quite whiny, don't we,

by the pool?

"Dave? Da-a-ave?

"Da-a-ave?" I'm always like, "I don't want to be on holiday with Dave."

"Da-a-ave?

Have you seen my other flip-flop, Da-a-ave?"

"I dunno, love. It's your flip-flop. Where d'you last see it?"

The other one's like, "Oh, I don't know."

But, you know, foreigners are having exactly the same conversations.

They just sound so much better coming from them.

"Davido. Come la vale la flippa-floppa?"

"Mi scusi, Maria, ma flippa-floppa, come la tutta la flippa-floppa?!"

I'm just lying there like,

"Oh, it's so great to be away, isn't it? Loving it."

Even the kids. I don't want to be rude about our children.

But foreign children - they seem to be amazing.

They play all day. They have golden-brown tans.

They swim like dolphins. They dive into the water, you don't even see a splash.

They just disappear and emerge at the other side of the water.

"Oh, Mama, Papa, la agua. Issa magnifico."

"Oh, Mama! La flippa-floppa! Come le latte la flippa-floppa!"

British children have so much cream on, you could see them from space.

We LOVE basting them. We'd like to baste the kids in cream.

All in their eyes, and their noses, and their mouth.

"Come here!" Reluctantly, "I don't like it, I don't like it!"

And they don't just have armbands any more.

We like to put these flotation suits.

They're the most buoyant things on Earth,

bobbing around with cream in their eyes.

And the tightest goggles. There's something about goggles

where, once you over-tighten them, you can't reverse it.

And they're always, "Daddy, can you get my goggles right?"

But you can't do it. You fight with it for a while. Then you give up,

pretend you've done it and just strap them on that tight.

"Ow, Daddy, that really hurts!

Ow! Ow, the cream's dripping in my eyes!" There's a bubble!

"Go on, make a friend."

"I can't see where the pool is!"

Foreign kids are just smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee.

"Bambino Inglese. Stupido!"

Swimming is the big thing for us.

I mean, seriously, compared to foreigners

it's absolutely hysterical.

I've seen what foreigners do when they're by the pool

and they need to swim. They get hot, they get up, and they get in.

That's the process. Hot, up, in.

Yeah, just doing lengths. Ciao! Hot, up, in.

That's it. Easy. It's an amazing thing.

We can't do that in pools. We, as British people,

need to enter into a whole process.

First of all, we have to announce to all the British people we are with...

.."I'm going in."

"You going in?" "Yes, I am going in."

"What's it like? What's it like?"

Because going in doesn't actually mean going in.

Going in means reviewing the temperature of the water,

as everybody waits for the result.

And it's always the same.

HE GASPS "It's freezing!"

"What's it like?" "It's freezing!"

This is where you enter the next phase of the production.

This is where there'll already be a British person in the pool,

who will swim up to you and offer you some advice.

This is actually advice you've received on every previous swim of your entire life

and advice that you will receive on every future swim of your entire life.

But this advice at this very key moment means nothing to you at all.

And that is that it is "all right once you're in".

But it means nothing!

"It's all right, just get in."

"It's all right once you're in."

"It's actually quite warm in here."

"I was like you, but look at me now!"

But you don't believe a word of it. You give yourself maximum pain.

You take it one step at a time.

Some people just wait with the water around their waist,

just complaining, trying to build the courage.

HE PANTS PATHETICALLY

"I don't like it. It's freezing. It's freezing!"

Some people just launch themselves in.

HE GASPS

GASPS HYSTERICALLY

It only takes about four strokes before they make their announcement.

HE GASPS

"It's all right once you're in."

For fuck's sake! We all told you this.

The very fact there are people swimming happily in the pool

implies that it's all right once you're in.

It's not like you're standing there going, "Oh, it's freezing,"

and there are just blue bodies floating on the surface.

"I don't think it is all right once you're in.

"There are dead, blue people in the pool. Darling - dead, blue people!"

We had this lovely man looking after us when we were on holiday in Dubai.

Don't know where he was from. He was a tiny little person.

He could never say my name as well.

"Hello, Mr Macintakarey, Mr Macalakataka!"

"McIntyre."

"Mackintakintakareyah!"

Macasilly-silly-mackey-yackey-mackey -yackey.

"Hello, Mr Mackey-yackey!"

He did this thing where he made a swan out of the towel, out of the bath towel.

Amazing. My wife loved it.

We came back to the room and there was a swan in the room, like that,

made out of towels. I was like, "Oh, look what that man did.

"He made us a beautiful, beautiful swan out of the towel."

I use it now as an excuse when I leave my wet towels on the floor.

"Michael, why did you leave your wet towels on the floor last night?"

"THAT...is a platypus."

"How dare you criticise my early work!"

So I come out of the shower, I'm on holiday, and there's no towels.

The kids have used all the towels. Typical.

So I go and reach for the swan, because it is a towel, first and foremost.

My wife goes mental. "Don't you dare touch that swan!

"That man made that beautiful swan and you're going to ruin it now, like you ruin everything."

I'm like, "But there are no towels."

"OK, fine, use it. But work around it, Michael.

"Don't ruin it. Don't spoil it."

So I'm standing there, naked, drying myself on this swan, like this.

And the bloody man who made it walks in.

"Mr Mackintakarey... Shit!" "Oh!"

It felt awful.

When we left, I thought,

I'm going to give him all my money that I had left,

all the dirhams, the currency for Dubai.

And it worked out to be 90 quid.

I thought, I'm going to give him 90 quid. He's been charming, he deserves it.

And as I told him, I shook his hand.

I gave him the money and I went, "You deserve this."

And he just rolled his eyes and walked off.

I thought, "That's a bit rude, a bit weird."

Felt a bit odd about it. And then of course, on the plane,

I worked it out that I had worked out the exchange rate wrong

and actually gave him 9p. I gave him 9p.

I gave him and 9p and I told them he deserved it as I gave it to him.

I think of all the people in the world, he hates me the most.

I can only imagine him getting home to his wife.

"I cannot believe Mr Mackintakarey! He give me 9p!

"9p! I had to look at his upside- down, creepy legs for ten days.

"He drugs his children, you know.

"He would leave syringes on the floor.

"I have to pick them up and say nothing as he drugs his children!

"They're on the iPad 24 hours a day.

"Mr Mackintakarey is disgustings!

"And he fucked my swan. I hate him!"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight.

Thank you very much!

To everyone at the top, thank you so much for coming. Thank you all.

HE SIGHS

You're very kind.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I will see you again.

Goodnight. Bravo!

Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING