Michael McIntyre's Christmas Comedy Roadshow Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please give a big Christmas welcome to Michael McIntyre!'

Bravo!

What do you know?

Good evening! Hello!

Bravo, let's have it!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow.

Right here in my favourite festival of them all, it's Christmas!

APPLAUSE

Christmas, all happening now, innit? It's all happening.

All the women,

you can see they get that sort of organisational look in their eye.

Just completely obsessed with planning.

I've got to get ready! Got so much to think about.

It happens at the final firework on fireworks night,

when you have the finale... Pttfft!

The smoke clears and you see all the women going, "Christmas!"

LAUGHTER

"Got to start getting ready for Christmas now. Christmas is coming.

"Don't talk to me, I'm thinking, I'm planning!

"There's so much to do, darling!"

LAUGHTER

Men do the tree.

I love getting my tree and putting my tree up in my house.

"Come, darling, see the tree I chose. Big, bushy tree."

Then you decorate it, it looks beautiful, doesn't it?

One of the main things to do when decorating a tree,

as we all know, you have to make sure that the plug is at the back,

so it doesn't ruin the aesthetic.

The problem is that every night you leave it on, cos it looks so lovely

then you're halfway up the stairs and you stop and you think...

"There could be a fire."

Which means that literally, every night of December before bed,

I'm downstairs under the tree...

LAUGHTER

"Darling, can you help me? I can't reach the button.

"Button!"

I tell you what,

December, prime-time for Sellotape and scissors.

It's when these two really come into their own, isn't it?

Everyone in this room has Sellotape and scissors.

You think you know where they are.

They're probably not there.

They're always on the move.

You're going, "I know where my Sellotape and scissors are."

But not when you want them, not when you bloody want them!

You open the drawer. "I thought they... Who's moved the scissors?!"

They move on their own, scissors. They're crafty little bastards.

And Sellotape, as soon as you leave Sellotape unattended,

it'll wind itself up when you're not looking.

Days on end in December are spent with me just looking round the tape.

"How could this have happened?

"Surely, soon, soon I will find a way.

"I think I've been here now for three days."

And then you find it. "Finally! I'm in!"

And you get some kind of weird backward triangle bit.

"I'm not in. I thought I was in, but I'm not in!"

Sometimes you give up.

"I'm not going to look for the scissors any more.

"I'm going to buy new scissors, I don't care.

"I don't need to spend my life looking for scissors.

"I'm going to get new scissors." You think you've won, don't you?

You get new scissors.

"I got some new scissors, forget the old scissors,

"I'm not going to spend my life looking for those babies.

"Here's my new scissors."

Then you realise the scissors

come in a plastic packaging that closely...

closely covers the scissors.

And you can't get in unless you have scissors.

LAUGHTER

The very thing you need is staring at you through the plastic window.

They look at you, don't they? "Find a way in, dickhead!

"You can't, can you?

"Go on, find your old scissors. You thought you'd won!

"You haven't won. We've won. The scissors have won."

Most people use scissors in the classic way, don't they?

They cut. You know how to use scissors.

You get paper, you see how much you might need,

then you start cutting like that. That's how people cut.

But there are some people amongst us, gifted, special people...

The gliders.

LAUGHTER

These people are amazing.

Hidden within normal society...

Sss!

LAUGHTER

Sss!

Some can even do the ribbon thing.

Sss, prr-prr!

Most of us, we're not gifted in this way.

But every single year,

each and every non-gifted glider attempts the glide.

You make sure nobody is looking.

You try and do something you've seen others do.

I think you probably just push it there...

Bfft! "I've ruined the paper! I've ruined the paper!

"It was supposed to go "Sss" and it went "Bffp!"

"I will save my next attempt for next year!"

It's for the kids, isn't it, Christmas?

Christmas, it's a time for the kids.

And there are people in this room who do have children

and there are people in this room who don't.

CHEERING

And the people who don't have children,

they think they know, don't they?

They think they know what it means to have children.

Sometimes they chat about it in their couples.

"Oh, I'd love to start a family one day with you, it'd be lovely.

"You'd make a really good dad."

"I think you'd be an amazing mum.

"Wouldn't be so lovely,

"having little versions of you and me running around?

"I'd love to have a family."

And you think you know what you're talking about!

You have no idea! You have no idea what it's like.

You have no idea how difficult things will become in your life.

Things that you don't even consider to be things

will become nearly impossible when you have children.

I'm talking about things like leaving the house, for example.

This is how people without children leave the house...

"Shall we leave the house?"

"Yes."

This is how I leave the house almost every day.

"Lucas! Oscar! Come downstairs!

"We're late. Why aren't you downstairs? Put your shoes on."

"I don't know where my shoes are!"

"Put your shoes on.

"Go and find your shoes. Where did you see them last?"

"On my feet."

"After that?! Get your shoes on. Come here, come here.

"Arms up, arms up, arms in, arms in, arms up, arms up, arms in, arms in."

That's my wife. She's so tired, she can't dress herself.

"What arms? Darling, where are we going? I want to go to bed."

"Where are we going?"

"You've got Lucas's shoes on your hands.

"I found your shoes, darling.

"You put your shoes on. Where's Ozzie? Come downstairs! We're late!

"Put your coat on."

"I don't want to wear my coat."

You know people without children, you know how you do zips up?

I've seen how much time you have in your lives, how you focus on it.

You get the one with the fabric, you just pop it in, don't you?

It nestles in and then you pause, thinking about your free life

and what you might like to do later that day.

And then you just glide up, don't you?

Do you think I have time for that shit in my life?

Every single morning,

"Argh!

"Stay still!

"You'll have to put another coat on. I've ruined the zip.

"I've made the situation worse. Ozzie!"

My three-year-old will never come downstairs.

The only way to get him to leave the house is to bluff,

to pretend we're leaving without him,

It's the only way it'll work.

We have to all go, "Bye, Ozzie, we're all going."

My other son loves it, the six-year-old.

"Are we leaving Ozzie? Is he going to stay here? I hate him!"

"Don't be so rude about your brother. Say goodbye.

"We're not really leaving, we're pretending to leave. Say goodbye.

"Bye-bye, Ozzie, bye-bye!"

But he doesn't care, he just goes, "Bye-bye."

LAUGHTER

Then we have to come back in and explain,

"We're not really leaving, we love you."

"It's OK, I'll buy you something if you come."

This is every single time we leave the house.

The other day, I had enough. I said,

"I can't do this. We're bluffing, saying bye-bye to him."

My wife says, "Let's go and get him."

I'm like, "Stop, no... No, stop.

"I cannot go through this every single time we leave the house.

"He's driving me insane.

"I say we call his bluff. I think he has to learn a lesson, OK?

"Let's go, let's just go.

"Let's go to Corfu, let's have a nice holiday."

LAUGHTER

You've no idea what it's like. You childless people, you have no idea.

Driving, you go driving, you drive in cars, don't you?

What's the biggest drama you have to put up with?

"Oh, it's a bit chilly. Put the blower on. Oh, that's nice now.

"Oh, look, they've opened a new Carluccio's. We should go there.

"We could go there any night. We could go there any night.

"What's this song? I love this one."

# Freedom! Freedom! #

I strap my children into the car,

I work out what'll cut off the blood supply and I ease it a bit.

"Stay there!"

We try and behave normally. "Oh, what's this song?"

It's "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round..."

"Again, again!"

"Look, darling, there's a new Carluccio's there."

"We will never go there."

The other day I was checking my children in the rear-view mirror

to see that they're safe.

We're on the motorway, OK.

You angle it to check they're OK, because you're looking after them.

Neither of them were there.

They had both wound the windows down

and had their heads on the motorway out of the window, going,

"Yay!"

Both of them, either side. "Yay!"

My wife and I just lost it. "Get in the car!"

They can't hear us, they're having the times of their lives.

"Yay! Daddy, what are you saying, Daddy?"

On the motorway, going 80mph,

I had to stick my head out of my window

to try and communicate with my child.

"Get in the car!"

"What are you saying?"

My wife's doing it too. "Get in the car!"

"What is it, Mummy?"

All four of us had our heads out of the window.

APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, a childless couple is driving past.

"Oh, look at the kids. I'd love to start a family one day."

You have no idea what you're talking about!

Sleeping? Ha ha ha ha!

Sleeping at night?

People without children, most nights, yeah?

"Good night, darling, good night."

Sometimes you go, "Sleep well".

And the other one goes, "I will."

That's how cocky, how arrogant you are. "I will, I know I will."

"Good night, darling. Have a good sleep."

"Good night."

It's been a long time

since my wife and I said "good night" to each other, OK?

Now we just go "Good luck."

APPLAUSE

"Good luck to you as well."

All through the night, they're screaming,

"Daddy! Daddy! Mummy! Mummy!"

Sometimes they wake up, wide awake, in the middle of the night.

I'm asleep. It's like two o'clock in the morning,

you know, sometimes you don't realise it,

but you half open your eyes.

I half open my eyes, my son is in my face.

"Argh!

"What the hell are you doing here? What time is it? What time is it?

"It's two in the morning, what do you want?"

"I want to go to school."

"You want to go to school?! What are you talking about?

"Go back to bed."

"I've got my shoes on."

"You do. You found your shoes!"

"I fixed my jacket."

"How the hell did you...? It's done up! What are you doing?

"It's two o'clock, you idiot! Go to bed! Where's Ozzie?"

"He's by the front door."

"He's never been there in his life! It's two in the morning!"

APPLAUSE

You have no idea.

OK, well. My first guest is literally a legend of British comedy

and I've been convincing him for most of the year to do the show.

Thankfully, he's agreed and I'm so honoured.

Please welcome, the magnificent Jack Dee is here, ladies and gentlemen.

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town

# Santa Claus is coming to town... #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Michael McIntyre.

Let's hear it for Michael, he's done a great job.

APPLAUSE

You know, when he asked me to do the show

I just said, "if there's anything I can do to help spread the cheer."

LAUGHTER

I remember this time last year, big row in my household,

had the Grand Theft Auto row with my teenage sons...

"Why can't I have Grand Theft Auto?"

"Because it's inappropriate. It's horrible, violent, misogynist."

"Please! You'll ruin Christmas if I can't have it!"

"I'm not buying you that game,

"I'm not buying it for Christmas, it's a violent game.

"It's not fun when you can run people over for extra points

"and shoot people just for fun."

"But all my mates have got it! You don't understand!"

It went on and on and on.

In the end they gave up and bought it for me, but it was, you know...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Christmas shopping,

those are the words that I really dread with Christmas shopping -

"Is it a gift?"

"No, I wear nighties."

LAUGHTER

"Give it here, I'll wear it out of the shop now."

LAUGHTER

I remember one year, the must-have present, my kids were after it,

and they were desperate for... What the hell are they called?

You have to pet them and look after them and feed them

and stroke them and love them and if you leave them alone,

then they start pining and if you neglect them they stop working...

Guinea pigs, that's it, guinea pigs!

LAUGHTER

That was a bit of a sad one.

Came back from our New Year's holiday, just wasn't working at all.

Tried new batteries, everything.

You know what I did this year?

This is a great tip - you might want to do this.

I've attached a shredder to my front door.

All the Christmas cards just go straight in there. Bzzt!

Bzzt!

Postman comes up, "What's that?"

"Don't worry, just keep doing it." Bzzt!

LAUGHTER

Because, you know, what a hassle, aren't they, Christmas cards?

You've got to open them and read them and see who they're from

and find somewhere to put it on the mantelpiece, line them up

and some idiot opens a door too quickly, they all go ff-ff...

That's it. Christmas ruined.

"Look at that, got to do that again now, you idiot."

Better than the e-card. You open up an e-mail, there's an e-card?

That's the card that says "I care", isn't it?

I care...click, click...that much.

Or worse, people now,

they're putting glitter and tinsel and stuff inside the card.

You open it up all innocently... "Oh, for Christ's sake!"

LAUGHTER

"Hiya! What are you doing this year?"

"Well, I'm hoovering now, aren't I?"

APPLAUSE

These people who claim their pets give them presents as well.

That's pretty hard to take, isn't it?

"We had a lovely Christmas and Tabby bought me this lovely mug

"with World's Best Cat Owner written on it."

"Did he? Your cat bought you a present? Are you sure about that?

"The cat got his little wallet, went out, got on the bus,

"went to the shops?"

"No, thanks, just browsing.

"I'll have one of those mugs with... Because I can read as well!"

I suggest it wasn't really a present from the cat

unless it's a robin with its innards sucked out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've been a lovely audience.

Thank you very much and enjoy Christmas. Have a good New Year.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

The wonderful Jack Dee, ladies and gentlemen! We're off!

Jack Dee was here! That's the way we roll!

Now, we're going to play a little bit of Christmas music...

AUDIENCE: Woo!

..to get us in the mood.

Some of my favourites, starting with an absolute classic.

MUSIC: "Driving Home For Christmas" by Chris Rea

No-one has been more thrilled to be stuck in traffic than Chris Rea.

Isn't he just so...?

He loves his family so much!

Top-to-toe in tailbacks, but that doesn't perturb Chris Rea.

Cos it's Christmas and he loves his family!

# I'm driving home for Christmas... #

But then, you see, we all feel this way about Christmas...

leading up to Christmas.

But then Christmas Day comes, doesn't it?

And there always comes that point when you've eaten too much

and you've been getting pissed since breakfast.

You've made the mistake

of thinking a champagne at breakfast was a good idea.

Now you have a headache, you're sitting at the table.

The Christmas-scented candles

are mixing in now with the post-Brussels sprout farts.

And you just stare individually at everyone at the table.

And you think, "This is why I don't talk to you people

"for most of the year."

I think Chris Rea felt the same way because the following year,

with regards to the same journey, he released this...

# This is the road to hell... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We listen to at Christmas...

Every December we listen to the same music over and over again.

And it does work. It makes it feel Christmassy

and we have our favourites and the ones that we don't like so much.

Shops next door to each other, you hear different songs.

In a department store, you'll hear two or three at the same time

and you just go into this weird Christmas zombie.

And there are certain lyrics to Christmas songs

and every time I hear them,

they just annoy me, like this, for example...

# With logs on the fire

# And gifts on the tree... #

Under the tree, Cliff, come on!

You're supposed to own Christmas, Cliff Richard,

you don't even know where the presents go!

Just how much of Christmas has Cliff got wrong?

Is he putting the turkey on top of the tree?

Is he stuffing the crackers? Is he wearing the stockings?

"These things are kind of hard to walk in, guys,

"with the tangerines in the bottom, yeah!"

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# But the very next day You gave it away... #

That's the fleeting nature of cruising, George.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest?

CHEERING

My show has been running for two series,

and the very, very first show we ever had,

I put on my very favourite comedian to headline the show,

and I thought it'd be fitting

for him to come back for the Christmas Special.

Please welcome the fantastic Mr Rhod Gilbert!

# Snow is falling all around me

# Children playing, having fun... #

Hello!

HELLO!

Good evening. Merry Christmas!

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Anybody else get rubbish presents? CHEERING

How tight is this? How tight is this?

One year my parents got me Hide And Seek for Christmas!

That's taking the mick, isn't it?

You can't give somebody Hide And Seek -

it's just an idea that's been around for hundreds of years.

My mum went, "It's the thought that counts."

"Well, I've got a thought, Mum - you're going into a home."

How about that?

I always seem to get the rubbish...

I give people good things - it's not that problem of...

I gave my girlfriend an iPad. You know what she gave me?

She gave me a toothbrush.

Firstly, you cheeky cow, it's like giving somebody deodorant.

This is... I wouldn't have minded an ordinary toothbrush.

This is the monstrosity she got me.

I said, "How much did you spend on this?"

She said, "It was on sale - it was very cheap. It was only £179.99."

I said, "Oh, well!

"A toothbrush for under 200 quid certainly sounds like a bargain!

"You've certainly saved us a few quid there

"with your bargain-hunting, haven't you?

"Toothbrush for under 200 quid..." She said, "But it IS a bargain!

"Look, it's awesome! It's the best you can get.

"It's got a rechargeable brush, it's got five brushing modes,

"it's got a computer! Look, it's got an on-board computer."

I said, "That's different if it's got a computer,

"cos at the moment I'm using a separate toothbrush and laptop.

"It's pretty straightforward

"to get everything onto the toothbrush, is it?"

"Do I just put it all on a USB stick

"and copy it onto the toothbrush?"

She said, "I don't think it's a computer in that way."

I said, "I mainly do word processing. Has it got Word or Office?"

She said, "No." I said, "What about the internet?

"Can I go online, check my emails?" She said, "I don't think so."

"Has it got Bluetooth? Has it got a DVD drive?

"How many USB ports has it got? Has it got iTunes?"

She said, "No, it doesn't do any of that."

I said, "Would you mind telling me, for the love of God,

"for £179.99, what this toothbrush-computer does?!"

You know what she said?

She said, "It tells you how many times you've used the toothbrush."

It tells you how many times you've used the toothbrush!

At last, I can stop taking an abacus into the bathroom.

No longer do I have to scratch five-bar gates

into the bathroom walls.

At last I can throw out all the paper tooth-cleaning records

I've been keeping.

Am I missing something here?

Why would you want to know how many times you've used your toothbrush?

She said, "It's so you know when to buy a new toothbrush."

I said, "I know!"

Maybe I'm unusually gifted - call me the Toothbrush Whisperer -

but I know when to buy a new toothbrush.

I buy a new one when the one I'm using starts looking

less like Ken Barlow and more like Ken Dodd. That's when I know!

I know! I know!

She said, "But it's got a timer on it."

I said, "Oh, well, I take it all back! If it's got a timer on it,

"that changes everything.

"Only this morning, I fancied a boiled egg

"but I didn't have a toothbrush handy to time it."

"I tried timing it on a loofah, but the yolk was still runny."

She said, "You don't understand.

"With a timer, it knows how long you've been brushing your teeth."

I said, "So do I. Again, I know. I was there when I started!"

"I kicked off the whole tooth-brushing thing..."

What's the worst that can happen if I forget

when I started brushing my teeth?

I lose track of time and plough on into the night?!

Brushing through the following day and the day after...

Day after day, relentless.

Two weeks later, my neighbours have started to worry

cos they haven't seen me for a fortnight

and there's a weird froth bubbling out of the bathroom window.

The froth comes out of the bathroom window, into the street.

Drivers are abandoning their vehicles

because visibility is reduced to a couple of feet.

Disoriented foam-covered drivers, staggering helplessly,

their eyes burning with peppermint...

Search and rescue helicopters whirr overhead.

News teams from around the globe arrive on my doorstep.

Eventually, riot police break down my door to find me

in a foam-filled bathroom in blood-soaked pyjamas,

still brushing a toothless, gummy, gaping hole

where my face used to be.

Like some kind of minty Danniella Westbrook.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a tangerine to peel.

Merry, merry Christmas. Cheers!

Thank you.

Rhod Gilbert, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you! Well done.

One more time, please, for the fantastic Mr Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Christmas Day, of course, is one of the few days when I know the date.

I don't tend to know the date.

I know the date on Christmas Day, that's the 25th. I know my birthday.

And then maybe New Year's Day.

Other than that, I depend on other people for the date.

If I don't know the date, I just ask another human for the date.

"Excuse me, have you got the date?" Sometimes they don't know.

I just ask another human. Sometimes they tell me.

Sometimes, annoyingly, they don't tell you.

They tell you a date from the past,

and it comes with very difficult mathematics

in order to work out today's date.

"Excuse me, have you got the date?"

"No, but last Tuesday was the 14th." Then they walk off.

You're left there going, "What does that mean to me?!

"Tuesday, Wednesday, Thurs..."

You can't do that with the time. "Excuse me, have you got the time?"

"No, but I know I woke up at 8:11."

"Really? What happened then? How long was breakfast?"

I still haven't changed all the clocks since the clocks went back.

Can I ask, by way of applause,

who else still hasn't changed all their clocks?

APPLAUSE RIPPLES

It's not many. Ruth, which one haven't you changed?

The cooker! The cooker's really hard, isn't it?

Cos you lose the instructions and then you're just guessing.

You're just twiddling that weird loopy arrow thing...

"How do I do this?!" The bell goes off...

"I'm not even going to change it, Eamonn!"

"You can't come to bed unless you've changed the clock, Ruth."

"Really? Really?"

The hardest one to change for me looks like the easiest.

It's just the clock on the wall.

It's got to be the easiest one to change.

You take it off, you just twiddle the thing an hour,

and you think, "That's that."

Then you have to get it back on the wall.

There's a nail sticking out the wall,

and you can see on the back there's a hole.

You think, "This is going to be... Should just slot straight on.

"Any moment now, that should just slot itself...

"I don't really understand why..." You check the hole.

"There's the hole. There's the...

"Sooner or later, this'll definitely be..."

Then you think, "Maybe I can watch it on. I'm watching the hole...

"I don't understand why... It's still not... Doesn't seem to be..."

It's almost like there's someone behind the wall, going...

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

my next guest is a man who I quite simply...

My wife and I, every time we watch him on television,

it's like, "This is the funniest guy out there."

And I wanted to get him involved in my show.

And I asked him, and, thankfully, he is here. He is wonderful.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, from the Royal Box...

CHEERING

I give you David Mitchell!

Thank you.

Today, Christmas Day, is a special day,

which means it's not normal.

I am not usually allowed to sit in this box and address the nation,

because I'm not, yet, Queen.

But this is all fine,

because I doubt things are normal where you are either.

You're probably surrounded by family. The ones you love,

and the other ones.

Look around you now, at the ones you love.

Now look at the other ones.

That should give you something to talk about.

So things aren't normal at the moment because of Christmas,

a religio-retail festival like none other.

Its rivals just last for a day.

You get a red rose, pancake, pumpkin, firework or poppy

and have a bloody good time.

But for Christmas, everything changes completely for a whole month.

It's as alien as if we'd suddenly become Germany.

But it's not Germany, it's Christmas Land.

So instead of sausages and genocidal guilt,

we get mulled wine and indoor trees.

They're an odd bunch, the people of Christmas Land.

While our popular music tends to centre around empty cliches of love,

theirs centres around empty cliches of goodwill,

and is much more likely to mention reindeer,

an animal with which the people of Christmas Land are obsessed,

for reasons which still baffle anthropologists.

Their best guess is that the thing about reindeer

that the people of Christmas Land most admire is that they can fly.

What remains unclear is why,

when selecting an animal to admire for its powers of flight,

they didn't settle on one that could actually fly.

Like a robin.

They're very fond of the robin, but invariably portray it standing still.

Nothing is more artistic to the people of Christmas Land

than a painting of a reindeer flying over a static robin.

They send these pictures to each other on little pieces of card.

They look at them and they think, "Ah, yes, a typical scene."

So, clearly Christmas Land faces educational challenges.

And that's probably because no-one ever goes to school.

And they hardly go to work.

If they do, they simply drink heavily and try to cop off with each other.

But it's not all good news.

Christmas Land has a dark side.

Once steamed up on eggnog, they can be warlike people.

If you're seen eating a salad

rather than a heavy fruitcake wrapped in disgusting marzipan,

you may find yourself rebuked with the phrase,

"That's not very Christmassy!"

Which gives a troubling glimpse into their nationalistic fervour.

But, all in all, I enjoy my annual holiday in Christmas Land

and feel that we have something to learn from these generous,

musical, family orientated, lazy, argumentative,

obese, alcoholic and reindeer-obsessed people.

And they're certainly a lot nicer than their neighbours -

the tedious, puritanical, impecunious,

miserable people of January Land,

who bang on endlessly about their failed diets,

whilst shaking with nicotine withdrawal.

Good luck getting a present out of those bastards!

Merry Christmas!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wonderful! The fantastic Mr David Mitchell.

Thank you so much! Brilliant.

Ah, Heston, my man. Heston Blumenthal. Lovin' Heston!

In fact, I didn't know you were coming, and they just told me,

so I brought my glasses out, because I have glasses like you.

People don't know this about me. This is a little bit of an insight.

A little bit of a revelation. This is me in the day.

You know, daytime me, not stage me, this is stage me.

You know this guy, "Hello!"

That's it. Camper than you'd imagine. "Hi!" Like that.

This is daytime me. "Hello." Quite serious, less camp.

This is daytime me. And people who are used to seeing that guy,

they can't cope with this guy.

They come up to me, almost on a daily basis, and go,

"Oh, my God, that's so weird, Oh, my God!"

"Oh, my God! D'you wear glasses?"

"Oh, my God! D'you wear glasses?"

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, that's quite a strange question

to ask of somebody who has glasses on their face.

I don't know quite how they expect me to respond.

"Oh no, I saw Avatar last year,

"I must have left them... Thank you so much!

"Silly me!

"Darling, why didn't you tell me I've been walking around in them?

"I was supposed to put them in the bin!"

But some people have glasses for reading, reading glasses.

They'll have them with them,

because they never know when reading might occur.

They go, "I have my reading glasses, just in case reading should happen."

When reading occurs, it's "Ah! Reading is happening now."

They tend to make a point with their glasses.

Reading glasses people feel very powerful with their glasses.

"Just before I put them on, I'd like to make some additional points."

Then they open them up, and they have further points with them open.

They read in this direction,

all the reading goes here, so I can still see you here.

"Don't pull anything over there, I'm reading in this direction."

Not everybody with reading glasses

from the longsighted fraternity goes with the glasses here.

People choose to put them in different places on their body.

Some people, it's difficult to know how to describe them.

I would say that they're not sexually active,

I think that would be the most accurate way.

They must have had sex in their life,

but they've now moved into a phase, a period of their life

when they've decided that they won't be having sex any more,

with people, and they don't want them to want to have sex with them.

They live a sexless life.

These people will have a string

that goes round their neck and joins up on this side

and they sort of bounce around, on their sexless bodies.

In case they need to read.

"Ah! I shall sign the divorce papers, yes, why not? There you go."

But, without a shadow of a doubt, the coolest,

no doubt about this, the coolest reading glasses people in the world

are the people who manage to maintain their glasses,

on their forehead.

How cool are these people? How do they even do it?

They have magnificent eyebrow control.

They can access them whenever they need to.

"Would you like to see the wine list?" "Yes, I will!"

How cool are these guys?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Just so you know I can read at any...moment!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, on Christmas Day,

it's Father Christmas.

CHEERING

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# I don't care about those presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree... #

He-ey!

Merry Christmas!

Ah! Thank you so much!

Oh, good evening, everybody.

I'm Father Christmas.

Joking, I am. I'm not Santa.

But I have got a bulging sack.

Louis Walsh's eyes have perked up at that!

What a night, what a night.

Christmas night. Best night of the year.

And hey, look at our audience.

Some of the biggest names in British show business...

are at home, watching this right now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Where's the beautiful Carol Vorderman?

Oh, you do it for me, Carol.

Carol, you know you do it for me. I've told you before now.

And the fact that you are, what, 20 feet away from me?

Proof positive

that an injunction isn't worth the paper it's written on.

And I'll be honest, Carol,

I regret taking it out now, I really do.

-And you just started on Loose Women.

-I love it.

-I bet you do!

I started on loose women a long time ago.

Port Talbot, 1985.

I'm sensing, I'm smelling somebody Welsh here.

Where are they?

Katherine Jenkins.

And Gethin Jones.

What a delightful Welsh pair!

Stop it!

Stop it, Katherine had the fastest- selling opera album of all time.

She holds four Guinness World Records,

and she was the first artist to be number one and two

in the classical charts at the same time!

And Gethin?

Gethin is her fiance.

Does she sing a lot at home?

She does, yes.

IN OPERATIC FALSETTO: # Would you doooo the vacuuuuming?

# Would you tidy up your rooooom? #

That's not bad! Come on, Katherine.

Will you give it back to me?

# Oh, Katherine

# Christmas time is special! #

# Yes, it is! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, yeah, lovely, OK.

INTRO TO "SHOUT": # We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ellll... #

She's here. She's here. Lulu, how are you?

I love you.

You look fantastic.

You have the glow that can only come

from having a winter fuel allowance.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, my God. Holly Valance. Hey, Holly!

CROWD CHEER AND WHOOP

Ah! With her partner, the wonderful Mr Nick Candy.

We saw you on Strictly.

You were always there supporting her, that was lovely to see.

And Holly, you and Nick, I know how much they love Christmas.

Holly Valance and Nick Candy love Christmas. They're traditionalists.

I can picture them now. He's admiring the Holly bush...

LAUGHTER

..and she's sucking on some Candy.

It's very...

No, no, no! No! No, don't, no, no, don't. Don't do that. Stop it.

Stop twisting it!

Holly, it's lovely to have you here. All our lovely celebrities,

give them a big round of applause, and a merry Christmas to you all!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Rob Brydon, ladies and gentlemen!

What do you know?

That was tense. That was tense with you guys in the front.

And Gino D'Acampo, so good to see you.

Everything all right, Gino? This Morning is good?

I get the feeling that Phil and Holly,

they just wait for you to say silly things, don't they?

-And they giggle.

-I just say normal things.

-You think they're normal things?

-Yes.

Some words come out a bit... They do come out funny, Gino.

Can I ask you to say a word?

I might be wrong, but I heard you say the other day

and it really made me laugh. Can I ask you to say "household"?

-Hars'ol.

-Yes. I was right.

Is there any way we could get a microphone for that?

We'd love to have a microphone for Gino D'Acampo. I smell comedy.

It's coming down. It's coming down. Thank you, Lulu.

Hello.

It's Gino D'Acampo!

Gino, sorry. Could I just get you to say the word "household" for me?

Hars'ol.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's try it in a sentence.

"Brussels sprouts give me a lot of trouble in my household."

Brussels sprouts gives me a lot of trouble with my hars'ol.

That's close.

I think we won't do this all night, but it is tempting.

"I love presents, I have piles in my household."

We'll end on that.

I love presents, I have piles in my hars'ol.

OK, that's enough. Thank you so much, Gino.

I couldn't imagine anything being funnier.

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is quite simply

one of the greatest stand-up comedians

working in the country today.

I am so honoured to have him on my show.

Please, ladies and gentlemen,

all your love for the wonderful Sean Lock is here!

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun. #

Thank you. Thank you. So, here it is, Merry Christmas.

Sometimes I think it would be good to have Christmas every two years,

just so Noddy Holder finally has to dip into his savings, you know?

Madonna doesn't celebrate Christmas.

She doesn't celebrate Christmas because she follows the Kabbalah.

Which is a religion that even Scientologists think is bollocks.

I think it's amazing. I mean, she named herself Madonna, didn't she?

She chose that name. Madonna, after Mary, the mother of Jesus.

And she doesn't celebrate Christmas.

It's a bit like finding out Captain Birdseye doesn't like fish.

Mr Whippy's lactose intolerant.

She'd be brilliant at Christmas, wouldn't she, with those arms?

Be a brilliant nutcracker, wouldn't she?

"There you go!" Kkkhh!

"Anyone want walnuts? Anyone want walnuts?"

She's so strong, isn't she? I always think having sex with Madonna

would be a bit like being wheel-clamped, wouldn't it?

You'd have to phone a special number to get released.

Of course, this is a time of year we should think about people

for whom Christmas isn't a time of joy, celebration and happiness.

People like my wife, for example.

I'm always getting it wrong.

One year I said, "What do you want?" She said, "Surprise me."

So I phoned her from Morocco.

I read something the other day, this is true, apparently.

90% of the toys that will be bought this Christmas are made in China.

90% of them.

Which makes the Chinese, technically, elves. Doesn't it?

They're elves. Whether they like it or not, you're elves.

I'm sorry, but you're elves.

When you think, slowly the Chinese are taking over the world,

maybe Lord Of The Rings isn't such a load of old tosh.

There might be something in it.

This year, I've asked for 400 packets of pork scratchings.

I'm not going to eat them.

My theory is that basically it's the outside of a pig.

Pork scratchings are a pig jigsaw, aren't they?

If you get 400 packets from the same place, you can build a pig.

The whole family can join in.

Cos the thing I worry about most at this time of year is my six-pack.

I worry a lot about my six-pack.

What are you laughing at? I've got a six-pack.

The trouble is, mine's in my forehead, look.

Look at that. That's bad, isn't it, that?

If you can't see at the back,

basically, I make Gordon Ramsay look like Hannah Montana.

Look at it! How did my face get like this?

What have I seen to pull this expression so much in my life?

What have I seen?!

The only explanation for a face like this was if I had amnesia

and I drove a ghost train.

I'm sure there's a reason for every single one.

That one, that's when the council changed the bin collection day.

This deep one here, there's a deep one here,

that's caused by man's inhumanity to man.

Oh, the human race is capable of some terrible things.

This one's when they changed Jif to Cif.

You've been a lovely crowd, thank you very much and good night. Thank you.

The lovely Sean Lock, the fantastic Sean Lock, the hilarious Sean Lock.

Sean Lock was here!

OK, now, listen, guys. You're aware that it's Christmas. OK?

You know, it's a time for people to be together with their loved ones.

And I was just kind of cheekily trying to take advantage

of the fact that we have a lot of people here.

Because, and I'm being serious about this, I have a friend.

And he is basically looking for love.

I think he deserves it. He's a good guy. And he is here.

And I'm going to just ask if perhaps

I could do a little bit of Christmas matchmaking

and just ask if there are any single girls in the audience?

ME!

Any single girls?

-Any single girls at all?

-Michael! Michael!

-ME! ME!

-It could be anybody.

-Michael!

-There must be somebody... Oh, here!

-I'm desperate!

-I think we have one.

-I'm desperate!

All right, then. You can come up. Ladies and gentlemen, a single girl.

Ha ha ha ha!

Nice to meet you.

How are you? Nice to meet you. I'm Michael.

Thanks for coming up. I know it must be quite nerve-wracking.

Are you enjoying the show?

-I love it. Michael McIntyre!

-Can I just ask your name?

It's Miranda.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Miranda.

So, you're obviously single.

I don't mean obviously!

-I meant because of what's just gone on.

-Sure. Because of that.

-Have you been single for a while?

-Many years.

OK. So, listen, as I say, I've got a friend

and I'm just wondering what it is that you look for in a man.

Well, normally I go for quite lithe sportsmen.

-Sportsmen?

-Yeah, you know that sort of look, lithe and lean?

But actually, I'm thinking

I'd probably like someone a bit stockier, a bit chubbier.

A fat sportsman?

I'm really looking for a bit of a cheeky geezer type, you know?

Like me?

Well... Hmmm.

No offence, but I have been out with quite a lot of posh boys

and I do not want to do that again.

-Oh, OK. I think I'm feeling quietly confident, Miranda.

-Really?

If I could just ask you maybe to come over here and wait?

This is Miranda, ladies and gentlemen.

Who knows? This seems to be going to plan. All right.

I'm going to bring out my friend, and we'll see if this pans out.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Smithy.

All right? All right?

Smithy, I said I was going to try and sort you out today.

-I've been true to my word. I got somebody.

-I appreciate it.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm good.

Listen, beggars can't be choosers and all that.

But what are you looking for in a girl?

What am I looking for? I'm not fussy, really.

I mean...

The last girl I was with... I wasn't with her, it was weird.

We weren't, like, together. But she was quite a big girl.

So I don't mind that. I don't mind if she's big.

She was quite working class, though.

So I wouldn't mind if it was someone a bit posher. You know what I mean?

That would be good. In an ideal world, what would be really great,

is if I was with someone who was constantly with, like, a film crew,

who had a camera, and then while we're having a conversation

she could look down the lens...

and then tell that lens exactly what she was feeling.

And then there'd be no games.

I wouldn't have to read between the lines.

Cos that can be a nightmare.

Reading between the lines is a nightmare? Well, listen.

I'm feeling quite good.

Who knows what's going to happen? I've done my best.

-I appreciate it, nice one.

-Why don't you go wait over there?

-Cheers, Mikelar.

-We'll see what we can do.

-Hello.

-Oh, for f...

Ohhh!

Go on, Smith!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

# Now, I've had the time of my life

# No, I've never felt like this before

# Yes, I swear, it's the truth

# And I owe it all to you

# Cos I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you

# I've been waiting for so long

# Now I've finally found someone

# To stand by me

# We saw the writing on the wall

# As we felt this magical fantasy

# Now with passion in our eyes

# There's no way we could disguise it secretly

# So we take each other's hand

# Cos we seem to understand the urgency

# Just remember

# You're the one... #

THUD!

You're mine now!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Miranda and Smithy!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, for our finale,

the wondrous, glorious, it's Kylie Minogue!

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow!

# It doesn't show signs of stoppin'

# And I've bought some corn for poppin'

# The lights are turned way down low

# Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow!

# When we finally kiss goodnight

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you'll really hold me tight

# All the way home I'll be warm

# The fire is slowly dying

# And, my dear, we're still good-bying

# But as long as you love me so

# Let it snow, let it snow! #

Would you please welcome back your fabulous comedians?

CHEERING

And we sway.

# When we finally kiss goodnight

# How I'll hate going out in the storm

# But if you'll really hold me tight

# All the way home I'll be warm

# The fire is slowly dying

# And, my dear, we're still good-bying

# But as long as you love me so... #

Together!

# Let it snow, let it snow

# Let it snow

# Let it snow! #

The wonderful Kylie was here!

Fantastic. Kylie Minogue!

Merry Christmas!

Ladies and gentlemen, merry Christmas!

Good night and thank you!

Thank you!

Michael McIntyre!

CHEERING

Thank you for coming!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd