Episode 2 Mock the Week... Again

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne, Micky Flanagan

and Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Diane Morgan.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Headliners.

Here's a picture of Labour leader Ed Miliband

and his brother in happier times.

But what does "EMIT" stand for?

Is it Evil Mannequins in Top Man?

LAUGHTER

Does it describe Ed's first year in office?

Is it Elected, Married, Isolated, Terminated?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it just what Ed's brain tells him to do when he's talking,

"emit, emit, emit"?

It's not simply, "Easy, Mate. I'm Ticklish"?

Is it more street than that, is it, "Easy, Man. I's Tasty"?

Is it just, "Ed Miliband Is a Tosser"?

Applauding the sentiment - or the hard-hitting nature -

or applauding the existence of a publication in Britain

that would run the headline, "Ed Miliband Is Tosser."

This is the paper that tells it like it is.

Is it, "Ed Might Injure Troublemaker?"

How about "Engineers Manufacture Imitation Tories"? Huh?

How's that for satire?

Oh yeah! Feel the satire.

What's wrong, Britain, too much truth for you?

Equally, satirically, is it, "Ed Miliband is Tep Ladder"?

We're doing call-backs to last week's show now?

Put away your crowbar,

your time-travelling crowbar of comedy!

"Ed Miliband In Trouble".

Thank you very much.

The answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband In Trouble".

Nine months into the job,

Labour leader Ed Miliband is struggling for support

within his party and from Labour voters

and there has been fresh scrutiny of his relationship with his brother.

His brother's come out to defend him, though.

Their relationships are a bit frosty at the moment,

but you're thinking, not as frosty as the Giggs brothers at the moment.

At least Ed Miliband can defend himself by going,

"Well, I've only shagged your career. I never touched your wife."

Ed Miliband has demanded that David Miliband

is permanently out of focus in photographs.

LAUGHTER

The Mail are trying to make more out of this sibling rivalry thing,

which David has denied, by saying, "It's a soap opera

"of which I want no part, and the public have no interest,"

and then Ed went - (WHINEY VOICE).

Then, David said, "I don't sound like that."

(WHINEY VOICE) "I don't sound like that"!

They didn't really help themselves.

No, you're right.

Isn't it time for the mum to step in and sort this out?

Say, "You can both be Prime Minister, but you've got to share!"

I was talking to a friend, and I was saying,

"I wonder what Ed Miliband is actually like."

And they said, "You've met him." I thought, I have.

That is what Ed Miliband is like.

I had to be prompted to remember that I had met the man.

Where did I meet him? On the Andrew Marr Show.

Me, Andrew Marr and Ed Miliband, all dork.

Could he have been hiding behind Andrew Marr's ears?

You can't do that because they use those for the live feeds.

You have to point towards different territories.

As the satellites move, so does Marr's head.

If he's surprised, the signal goes in Asia. "What?"

What did David Miliband never have the opportunity to do?

To give a victory speech.

His victory speech he'd prepared for the Labour leadership election

was leaked this week, and it was disappointingly gracious.

I felt, just once I'd like to see

an election where somebody gives a speech where they go, "Boom!

"I've done it! I've beat him. Oh, yeah!"

If you're going to essentially have the opportunity to rewrite history,

if you're going to leak a speech,

then stick in a few things that make you look, nine months later,

just I believe in a society where any woman from Newcastle

could go to America and get a job on a talent show

and not be sent back - how did he know that was going to happen?

And where did he deliver the speech?

He delivered it to his wife in the car on the way home.

That must have been an exciting car journey.

At some point in the drive home, I'm assuming she went,

"David, excuse me. I've just got to deliberately set off the airbag."

LAUGHTER

In other news, who has Ed Miliband attacked this week?

The workshy. He has.

He wants the workshy to go to work, which I think is a terrible idea.

I believe the workshy should stay on the dole where they belong.

If they're a bit of a drain on the economy, fine.

As long as they're not at work, that's when there's problems.

As long as they're on the dole, they're not losing luggage or derailing trains.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As somebody who spent years signing on and working,

I'm offended by that, to be honest.

Can you really get up the energy to be that offended?

I used to like the '80s. No-one cared in the '80's - did they?

You went into the unemployment benefit office,

people walking about with buckets and ladders, overalls,

just getting the hump because the woman was taking so long,

"Come on, love. We've all got to get back to work here, come on."

It's like the good old days.

Which coalition reforms are in the spotlight this week?

It's the NHS reforms.

This is the whole idea that Cameron had said that basically

there's a lot of waste in the NHS.

You're thinking, "It's a massive organisation."

Within that organisation,

there's going to be a lot of people presumably sat around on their bum

doing very little, but let's face it - a lot of them are very ill.

LAUGHTER

The biggest worry for me was when Cameron said he wanted to rid the NHS of imbalances.

How will people get to hospital?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was strange - the plan was to hand control to the GPs,

who only do a certain part of the work.

The GPs didn't want this.

They knew, you look after the NHS.

"I don't know how the big machines work!"

I just send the people to do the people who can do the big machine.

Aagh!

The whole idea of the GP consortia, though, is basically

so doctors not only have to decide what is the best treatment

for you, it's also whether that treatment might be value for money.

So each time you go and see your GP, they'll argue with themselves,

as to what exactly they should be doing.

It would be like going to see Gollum - you know,

"Come in. Come in, nice man. But he wants the Precious.

"Ooh, but he's not very well, no. Let him die.

"Kill him. Kill him."

The key thing they're trying to get rid of is the cost, isn't it? It's the cost of the NHS.

You can do that with making no changes -

all you've got to do really is get rid of the confidentiality of doctors.

If you go to a GP and you know he's not going to be confidential,

if he comes out and goes, "Here, have you seen Mr Smith? He's got piles the size of onions."

You're never going to go to the doctor again.

The whole system will pay for itself.

Have you been watching Embarrassing Illnesses?

People are very happy to show off their weirdnesses.

If they could do it in the waiting room. Look at that! Look at that!

Seen one of them before? Shouldn't be there.

I don't know what it's doing there. Look at that! That shouldn't be doing that.

In other news, what's going on here?

It's Boris Johnson saying, "Bloody hell. Who called the Child Support Agency?"

Boris finally comes in useful as a battering ram.

Is he saying, "To be honest, I thought the Olympic Village would be smarter."

He said, "I will not have people keeping these bikes out

"longer than they've paid for."

It's like a new crap crime drama, isn't it? Toff Cop.

It's like he's at a party going, "Is the toilet this way?"

It's a policeman saying, "Look! It's the fat one from Little Britain."

You know the drugs are good

when you think that the Mayor of London has just come into your flat.

The police are going in one direction, into the flat,

while Boris is discreetly coming out of the flat.

"Well done. Keep it up there."

He's in there. Get him! Quick!

Whew!

What is a white cross on a green background on a policeman's helmet?

It looks like if you squeeze his head, PlayDoh's going to come out.

The guy was called Rambo, aged 48,

and when he saw Boris Johnson, said the words:

Which is a fair point, not to the police -

"Oh, no, coppers - bloody hell!"

He's the last person you should take on a raid

because the idea of a raid is the secrecy, right,

but he just constantly chunters - "Bom, bom, bom, bom."

Waiting outside the door - "Could you just be quiet?" "Bom, bom, bom, bom."

"Surprise is incredibly important." "Bom, bom, bom, bom."

He's like a posh motorbike, "Bom, bom, bom, bom."

It just doesn't work the whole... You see American crime movies

where the Police Chief's going, "I've got the Mayor on my back about this."

And behind him is Boris is going,

"Flumety, flumety... flum, flum. Whiff-whaff, whiff-whaff..."

I think, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

is a perfectly reasonable response, during a raid on your house.

It's a perfectly reasonable response

for people who worked in the Mayor's office when he first turned up for work.

OK.

At the end of that round, the points go to Micky, Ed and Andy.

Now we play a round called The Apprentice: You're Funny.

This game involves Micky, Diane and Chris.

If you could make your way, please.

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch a wheel of news.

Where it stops, one of our performers must step forward

and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

Here we go! The first subject is school.

Who wants to come in with that? Diane.

A lot of my friends are starting to have kids now,

and it always amazes me the amount of effort

that some parents put into choosing a school for their kids

because when I was younger, my parents were like,

"George Tomlinson's is a bit far away, isn't it?

"She'll only have to cross one road if she goes to St Peter's.

"That's settled, then. St Peter's it is.

"Yeah, they've got high teenage pregnancies,

"but she probably won't get knocked over."

"Et momentum mori etwe."

That was the Latin over the door at school. It means "Knocked up, but not knocked down".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's a rubbish school, my school, though. It's really rubbish.

My domestic science class was about 45 minutes long,

so they didn't have time to show us how to prepare and cook

an apple pie from scratch.

So, to save time, to cut corners, they said,

"Bring in some ready-made pastry and a tin of apples."

Ready-made, ready-made!

All ready-made pastry and a tin of...

I don't know why they just didn't have a class

on how to buy an apple pie.

Thank you very much.

OK. Let's spin the wheel again.

The subject is technology. Chris.

We really take technology for granted now.

We live in an age of miracles,

not that you would know this, because we take everything, just as it's owed to us.

Wireless... You've got wireless, right, in your house, yes?

Some older people going, "Of course I've got a bloody wireless. How do I listen to The Archers?!

"It's on permanently in case they declare war. I'm not getting caught out twice."

Wi-fi... I mean wireless, fireless, right?

When you first saw wireless fireless, you thought, "Look.

"That is the science fiction of my childhood available to me

"in my adult years. Thank you, oh, providential universe

"to be alive at a time such as this is a privilege!"

And now within half an hour you're going, "Work, you bastard!"

Half an hour is the time between miracle and basic human rights.

We're pathetic. You can be sat in your front room watching Hole In The Wall,

with your laptop where every piece of information you could possibly want in the universe is available

to be beamed through the dust of your sitting room

to right in front of your chops.

That is a bona fide miracle.

It goes down for 40 seconds, and we go, "Oh, my God!

"This is like living in a third-world country.

"I wish I was dead!"

Well done, Chris. Thank you.

That leaves us with Micky. Let's see what you've been left with.

And the topic is fashion.

OK, Micky.

Bound to be, wasn't it?

I've returned to the vest.

It happened a couple of years ago.

I was walking through Mark's to get me pants.

You always go back to Mark's.

They know. They look at you...

They go... "You've come back.

"You went to Next, didn't you? You got flash."

And I saw the vests.

I saw the vests, packet of singlet vests, I thought, "I'm having them."

I put them in my basket. I covered them over like pornography.

I got to the counter, I said to the woman, "Get them in the bag, love."

I got home. I shook one of these vests out.

I put it on. I thought, "That is the answer."

The wife come home, she said, "What's all this with the vests?" I said, "I like them.

"I've returned to the vest," She said, "I don't mind, but only indoors."

For a couple of years I've worn the vest sort of in secret.

But the other day I'd had a couple of cans of beer,

and I wanted a couple more, so I got up to go out,

and my wife said, "Da, da, da...the vest."

I said, "No more!

"I refuse to live a lie!

"I'm standing up for vest wearers all over the world."

I marched off down the offy.

I got two cans of Stella Artois.

Put one in my back pocket,

cracked the other open, and I walked back from the offy in my vest.

I made a discovery.

You drink a can of Stella and wear a vest, you get a bit of space.

LAUGHTER

Well done, there. Points to Micky Flanagan.

This round is If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

Six categories on the board.

Diane, which category would you like? America. OK.

OK, your category is America.

The answer is, "Around 24,000". What is the question?

Is it, how many pictures of Pippa Middleton's arse

were in the News Of The World today?

How many people have to be in a Post Office before they open a second cashier?

LAUGHTER

How many perfectly normal children's names are there

that Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be completely unaware of?

Is it how many monkeys were shaved to provide Rooney's... hair transplant?

APPLAUSE

I like the way, as a bald man,

you can't even say the word "hair transplant".

It's a betrayal of you and everything you stand for.

Is it the number of Fathers' Day cards

Ryan Giggs is going to receive?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it how many salads can you buy for the price of one in Berlin Aldi?

LAUGHTER

Is it what ticket number would make you think,

"Do you know, I think I might come back to this deli counter tomorrow"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it how many missed calls Simon Cowell has from Cheryl Cole?

APPLAUSE

How many Olympic tickets did you have to apply for

to get row Z for the synchronised swimming?

LAUGHTER

How many times could I punch Piers Morgan in the face

before it stopped being fun

and I continued to do it out of a sense of duty?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it the number of times I say, "What a load of old bollocks!"

when my wife is watching Lark Rise To Candleford?

LAUGHTER

Do you want a clue? It's about Alaska.

Is it how many pages of e-mails have they released from Sarah Palin?

Very good. Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.

The question I was looking for was how many pages of Sarah Palin's e-mails were released this week?

This is the news that 24,199 pages of e-mails

have been released by the Alaska Governor's Office under freedom of information laws.

They date from 2006, when Palin was the state's first female governor,

to 2008, when John McCain named her as his running mate for the White House.

What did they reveal?

Quite a lot of them said, "Do you want to buy a Kindle for Father's Day?"

They're quite boring, actually. There are e-mails about her frustration with journalists

who keep asking her whether she believes

that dinosaurs co-existed with people.

All she really needs to do is show them picture of herself

standing next to John McCain and go, "Yes".

The e-mails show she's got little grasp of history.

You'd think Sarah Palin would not work in this country, would you?

Basically, the rednecks seem to like her because she's quite fit with no grasp of what happened in the past.

It would be like us electing, as the next Prime Minister,

Kelly Brook, and forgiving her when she said

the reason that Churchill was the greatest ever Briton

was because he provided this country with cheap car insurance.

AS CHURCHILL: Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

LAUGHTER

She's unbelievably dull in her private utterances.

This was stuff they had to fight to get. They're really dull.

As opposed to what she publicly does,

like, for example, sitting on a couch covered in a dead bear.

This is stuff she does willingly.

She only hides the really boring things.

The bear's only there to keep the crab away.

She hasn't noticed that crab. Nature in balance. The bear and the crab -

natural predators to each other. Just circling each other constantly. The two of them trapped.

She seems to have a secret cloud-base.

That looks like the start of one of the weirdest porn movies you'll watch in your life.

Isn't it a lot, though?

24,000? This is in 21 months, so that's just over 1,000 a month,

which is just over 50 a day, which is about six an hour.

Welcome to Maths With Hugh.

She's sending six quite big e-mails every hour. Is that a lot?

How does she find time to govern anything?

It's Alaska. The bears do most of it.

That's why they have to arm them. There's the right to arm bears in Alaska.

In other news, how have exam boards let down students this week?

Poor students. By asking questions that are unanswerable. In what manner were they unanswerable?

They didn't have enough information. There were mistakes on the paper.

On one of the sports science papers was a really tough one. It said, name.

APPLAUSE

They're saying, "This is an impossible maths exam." Rubbish.

You only know a maths exam is impossible if you hear a voice going...

AS STEPHEN HAWKING: "This is bullshit, I'm leaving."

Smashing into the tables, bang. Trying to reverse around, bang.

The best exam story ever was there were teachers...

Cos it's very boring to invigilate exams

and they had games that they devised.

There was one - who is the ugliest student?

The two of them, one of them would walk down and stand next to

who they thought was the ugliest student,

and then walk back up again, and the other one would go...

They would walk down to who they thought was the ugliest student, and they'd go...

My favourite exam story is possibly apocryphal of somebody coming out of a biology exam

and complaining bitterly that they had thrown in a physics question.

This guy was saying, "I know about charged particles.

"I know what a cation is and I know what an anion is,

"but I've never heard of an ON-ion." That was an onion.

LAUGHTER

We did an exam once in college

and you know those big halls with loads of different classes around,

and one girl had just a conniption fit cos it just went wrong.

"This is awful." She started crying at the table really loudly

and they had to get her out.

It was only an hour into the three-hour exams.

People are like, "It's tough enough as it is without this going on."

They took her outside and put her just outside the door.

And then every time somebody went to the toilet you'd hear... "Waaah!"

LAUGHTER

You knew the person would be back from the toilet in a minute.

You're all going, "I don't want to hear anything"...

Was that because the invigilator was

standing outside the door next to her going, "This one!"

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Diane.

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone goes to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with. OK, here we go.

The first subject is Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary.

The Russians had Lemsip, the Americans had Night Nurse.

This was the Cold War.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And it was in this humble florists that the War of the Roses began.

LAUGHTER

Guy Fawkes' bid to blow up the Houses of Parliament failed

when he realised his body was made of jumpers

and his head was an old football.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Tonight on Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain,

"Boadicea, to see you, Bode!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Horatio Nelson - one arm, one eye.

a tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep

and someone finds your organ donor card.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Biggest Historical Boobs with me, Katie Price.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happen

to Hitler's other ball, and my search begins right here

in the Albert Hall.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And on Time Team tonight, we're in Stratford-on-Avon,

where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons

and some typewriters.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When Hitler started writing Mein Kampf,

he intended it to be a light-hearted romp called Carry On Kampfing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon -

if history teaches us anything, it's if you don't want your child assassinated,

don't name them after an airport.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be honest, I'm not interested in all this old nonsense really,

but, since the end of Blackadder,

the work's been fairly hard to come by.

LAUGHTER

It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin

presented Weakest Link for as long as she did.

LAUGHTER

Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And now the documentary that every Channel Five commissioner has dreamt of...

Did Hitler Sink the Titanic?

LAUGHTER

We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for three weeks

and we've found this one piece of crockery,

which tells us we desperately need to get laid.

OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy.

We apologise to customers who have recently alighted at Northampton.

I opened the wrong doors.

LAUGHTER

Could all the people shopping here at ASDA

please accept that you are piss-poor?

LAUGHTER

Clean-up required in the magazine aisle between Loaded and Nuts.

LAUGHTER

Would the parents of the lost child

please pick him up from the meeting point?

Madonna is trying to buy him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week

is 100% off German bean sprouts.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you would like to upgrade to first class,

then you should have worked harder at school and got a better job.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Could the small boy holding the owl

stop running at the wall between platforms nine and ten?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Would the man on pump number four please remove the nozzle

from the backside of the man on pump number six?

LAUGHTER

Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with tinted windows and go-faster stripes

sort your life out, mate, will you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Er, I can't remember what the code is.

Er, would... Would Mr Fire please report...

Please report to the kitchen? That's Mr Out Of Control Fire

please report to the kitchen before it's too late.

I don't want to start a panic.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The train now approaching platforms three, four and five,

is the derailed three o'clock train from Swansea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it

as it's attacking the customers?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is your captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones

as you'll need to text your loved-ones goodbye

as we plummet into the sea.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. At the end of that, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Diane.

APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Diane Morgan.

APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Micky Flanagan.

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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