Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
# Read all about it... # | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
# News of the world | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:25 | 0:00:28 | |
# News of the world News of the world... # | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
I'm Dara O'Briain. Joining me this week are - | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
Andy Parsons, Mark Watson and Russell Howard, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
We start with a round called Headliners. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Here's a picture of David Cameron, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
but what does TLEC stand for? | 0:00:55 | 0:01:00 | |
Is it Tories Launch Exfoliating Cream? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Is it Topman Launch Eton Collection? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Is it Tosser Leading Everyone to Catastrophe? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Are you not a natural Tory? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Or is it Tory Launch Extremely Caucasian? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
The people he's shaking hands with are that actual size, and it's Tiny Little Elf Convention. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
-The elf vote is just screaming... -It's enormous. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Ironically, it's an enormous vote. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
Is it Tits, Lips, Eyes and Chin - everything he's got done in the poster? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:46 | |
Is it his full name? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Tarquin Linus Edwin Cameron. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
What's weird - and this is nothing to do with the initials - | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
he appears to be in black-and-white at the front | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
and in colour at the back. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Is it like the Wizard Of Oz - | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
he's in black-and-white until the election, whereupon... | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Aha! He's the king of Munchkin Land. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
I know the answer. It's Tory Leader Effortlessly Camp. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Can anyone give something approaching the correct answer? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Tories Launch Election Campaign. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
Close enough - that'll do. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Yes, the answer was Tories Launch Election Campaign. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
It's election time again, with David Cameron saying the vote could not come soon enough. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:36 | |
Although the date has yet to be announced, | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
the Tories have begun announcing their policies in a bid to woo voters and regain power. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:43 | |
How did they launch the campaign? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
Mainly by putting up a big poster of his face, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
where he's wearing so much make-up, | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
it may as well just say, "Tory - because you're worth it." | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
It is astonishing. I just think they should have run... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
It's like on 760 poster sites. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:58 | |
They should have just run this poster instead. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Look at it! Look at it! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Look at the way my forehead glow follows you around the room. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
He looks like a cross between David Dickinson and Pingu. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
A cross that we've all been waiting a long time to see. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
That penguin vote, no-one's gone after that before. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
HE IMITATES PINGU | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
If he did all the things, like waddling around... | 0:03:24 | 0:03:29 | |
If he ever did that, they would close down CBeebies, wouldn't they? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
"What are you doing, Dickinson? Leave him alone!" | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
"Take it, take it, you little bastard!" | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
"No!" | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
I can't waddle away quick enough! | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
How much do you have to love yourself to launch your campaign | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
with no policies and just a big picture of your own face? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
We now know what both leaders are going to say to us. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Gordon Brown is going to say, "Don't trust the Tories. They'll put up taxes." | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
And basically David Cameron's going, | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
# Don't cha? # | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
What you have to remember is that Cameron was in PR. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
PR. I was 12 years old when I had a paper round. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
HUGH: I'm very... | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
It's supposed to. He's trying to sell it on the NHS, isn't he? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
That's the image he's got, it's all about the NHS. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Now I'm worried that Gordon Brown will have a poster about health, | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
with a big picture of him, and next to it, "Catch it, kill it, bin it." | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
I not only have issues with the big shiny face. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
I also have issues with the slogan. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
Every time I see that, "We can't go on like this," | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
in my brain, it goes... # With suspicious minds. # | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
It's also, you just get the impression it's very nicely-nicely, "Hey, I'm Dave. Come on, whatever." | 0:04:47 | 0:04:52 | |
And then as soon as he wins, that's just going to regenerate, like... | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
"Send me to Wales! I'm going to finish what I started!" | 0:04:58 | 0:05:03 | |
Does he not look a bit like a hypnotist to you? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
The more... The more we have this picture, the more I'm becoming convinced we CAN'T go on like this! | 0:05:06 | 0:05:14 | |
Somebody must cut the deficit, not the NHS. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
Who can do such a thing? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Don't you think it should actually say, "I can make you thin"? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
His eyes are shinier and his hair is sleeker, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
but it's not necessarily an air-brush. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
It could be that he's eating Pedigree Chum. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
His coat is more glossy? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Essential minerals are good. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
You can see him running through a field and over a wall. He's youthful and dynamic. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:43 | |
-Sometimes he just rubs himself on the carpet of the House of Commons. -That would be very funny. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:47 | |
"And we're cutting to Prime Minister's Question Time, and he's just dragging himself... | 0:05:47 | 0:05:52 | |
"Sorry. Sorry about this, everyone. I really have to get to a vet..." | 0:05:52 | 0:05:56 | |
I wonder, you know with this trying to woo the middle classes. Are the middle classes that angry? | 0:05:56 | 0:06:01 | |
I haven't seen the middle-class demonstrations. "What do we want?" "A Volvo estate." | 0:06:01 | 0:06:07 | |
"When do we want it?" "After the holiday in Tuscany." | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
-A moth just dived on us! -We're being heckled by a pig in the rafters. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
Sorry, just one piece of confetti came down. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
A very cheap wedding is taking place. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
It's a note from Frankie. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
It says, "Will somebody make a quip about Kerry Katona's vagina?" | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
-In time, brave soul, in time. -Those days are gone. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
Kerry Katona's going, "Oh, I finally felt I could watch it." | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
In other news, what's going on here? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:43 | |
HUGH: Frozen Britain. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:44 | |
That, I believe, is a very tall man that's taken that with a camera. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:49 | |
This is the enormous news story that because it's the winter, it's a bit cold. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:55 | |
It's absolutely amazing. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
For two weeks, all the news has been, "Tonight, still cold." | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
-What I love about it, though... -"Really, I didn't realise?!" | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
What's hilarious, they insist on putting the weather men in the snow. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:10 | |
"It's really cold!" We can see that! When it's hot, they don't put Michael Fish in a man-kini. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:16 | |
They always say that, don't they, "It's difficult to tell whether it's going to fall as snow or rain." | 0:07:16 | 0:07:22 | |
Surely the clue is in the temperature. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
If it's minus one, I'm thinking go for snow - that's my guess. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
If it's white, it's snow, basically. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
Technically not true. Sorry, being the dullest man in the world. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
I'm afraid I did a geography degree. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
It has to be above freezing to snow. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Otherwise it falls as sleet, does it? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
If it's below freezing, it won't be snow. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
KFC were very helpful. In all their meals, they put in a little sachet of salt... | 0:07:48 | 0:07:53 | |
-..to shake on the ground. -The lack of salt was such a Daily Mail reader's wet dream, wasn't it? | 0:07:56 | 0:08:01 | |
"There's no salt! They've spent it all on Muslims, teaching them yoga!" | 0:08:01 | 0:08:05 | |
"I can't get out of my drive, but Osama bin Laden can do the lotus." | 0:08:07 | 0:08:11 | |
There's something about the transient nature of life, though, about the snow. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:15 | |
It arrives and it's all stunning and it makes that lovely crunchy noise, | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
and it slowly recedes into horror, | 0:08:18 | 0:08:22 | |
and it's just like a one night stand that she never leaves. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:28 | |
Did you not feel, in the snow, though... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Did you not genuinely feel a little bit sorry for 4x4 drivers, | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
-in that for the first time... -Yep. -..for the first time, they could justify using them on the school run. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:40 | |
And then they closed the schools! | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Fantastic! | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
-I live in Chelsea... -"Oh, good lord!" | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
DARA MURMURS | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
When I introduced myself to the neighbours, | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
they thought I was giving them a quote for tarmacking. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
It's not that glamorous. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
And I said to them, when they couldn't get their 4x4s out, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
"Why don't you let your kids walk to school?" | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
And they said, "It's pretty clear you don't have kids. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
"If you did, you'd leave them at the school gate to be safe." | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
And I said, "Well, when I have kids, I'm going to send them to Catholic school. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
"They'll be in the care of Catholic priests from 9 o'clock to 3 o'clock. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
"The walk to school will be the safest part of their day." | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
What I loved about the snow as well, was for that one week when it really tipped it down, | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
the entire nation was like a Carry On film. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
"I've had eight inches in my driveway. Ooh!" | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
"My back passage is all wet. Matron!" | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
And then, even the transport secretary, his name's Lord Adonis. That's not a name. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
That's the make of a posh dildo. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
The worst job I ever had was forensic pathologist... | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
for the United Nations. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
I remember I uncovered the mass grave of 1,000 snowmen. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:58 | |
Fortunately, it turned out to be a field full of carrots. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
I... | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
What's great about it - Milton, every so often, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
he's like this hilarious granddad that just wakes up. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
I did notice, people start driving without clearing all of their windscreen. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:24 | |
They try and find a little bit where they can actually have a look out. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:29 | |
I saw one bloke driving on the motorway, right. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
He was craned like this, he had his window open, | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
he was squirting de-icer on his windscreen at the same time, | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
and on the back of his vehicle, it said, "How am I driving?" | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Russell, Mark and Andy. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Now, we play a round called Mock You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
This game...involves Milton, Mark, Patrick and Russell, | 0:10:54 | 0:10:59 | |
so if you could make your way over to the performance area, please. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
one of our performers must step forward to talk about that subject. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go. Our first topic, please. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:12 | |
And it's travel. Who wants to come in? Mark. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
I think the thing with travelling, | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
it's often hard to make yourself understood. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
-I was in South Africa recently... -LAUGHTER | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
That's not even the joke, yet. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
I literally went to South Africa. All their vowels sound the same. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
So a word like "cigarettes" sounds like "secrets". | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
I was there, this guy was like, "Give me one of your secrets! Can I have one of your secrets?" | 0:11:33 | 0:11:37 | |
"Well, I once masturbated in a library." | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
But in a way, I do at least enjoy it when it's me travelling. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
I get very nervous when it's people I know and love, like my wife. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
My wife is always in planes, and I get very nervous in case something happens to her. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:57 | |
You can even track the flight on the website. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
The other week, my wife was flying and I was following it on the website. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
It says, "In the air". I couldn't relax until it said "landed". | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
I'm not sure how reliable a guide it is, really. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
I can't imagine, if there is a problem, they'd change it to "crashed". | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Or "turned into a fireball", frowny face. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
Thank you very much, Mark. Well done. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
OK, let's spin the wheel again. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
The subject is international relations. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
Patrick. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
Er, the world is a very dangerous place, | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
and I think in order to bring more peace and to prevent war, | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
we need to cancel the United Nations, | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
and stand down all armies. What we should do is we should replace it. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
Every government should have to open a Facebook account. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Because Barack Obama opened a Facebook account to run for president, | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
and a year later, he won the Nobel Peace Prize. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
It would be great. If every government had a Facebook account, | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
the world would be a much better place. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
"America and North Korea are now friends." | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
"China like this." | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
"Hezbollah has poked Israel." | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
"The people of Palestine have written on Israel's wall." | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
"Osama bin Laden has tagged you in an album... | 0:13:25 | 0:13:29 | |
"Jihad, 2001!" | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
"America and Pakistan have gone from | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
"'In a relationship' to 'It's complicated.'" | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
Thank you very much, Patrick. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
OK, that leaves us Milton and Russell. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
The next topic, please. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
It's etiquette. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:53 | |
Um, I'm quite a socially awkward bloke. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:59 | |
-LAUGHTER -Thanks for laughing at just that! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Um...I saw a girl on a train recently, eating a yoghurt, | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
and for some reason, my brain thought it would be a good idea to say, | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
"You know, that's very good for thrush." | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Like she was going to suddenly go, "Oh, sit down, stranger." | 0:14:10 | 0:14:14 | |
I can't help it. I drift... Like, I was at a museum the other day. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
Everywhere it said, "Don't take photos." | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
I was taking a photo. A nine-year-old girl says, "What are you doing?" | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
"I'm taking a photo." She ran off, "I'm off to tell the man." | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
Now, the last thing you want to be doing is chasing a nine-year-old girl across a museum, going, | 0:14:26 | 0:14:31 | |
"Don't tell the man, don't tell the man!" | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
Added to the fact that when you catch her, you've got to go, | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
"I'll delete the photo." That doesn't look good. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
Thank you very much, Russell. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
OK, Milton, let's see what you've been left with. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
Let's spin the wheel. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
The topic is health. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:52 | |
My sister's got hay fever. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Now she's got diabetes, so I tried to cheer her up. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
You know, flowers, chocolates... | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back with lard. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:17 | |
After that, he went downhill very quickly. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
I've recently had bird flu, | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
but it's all relative, isn't it? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu, I'd bite your hand off. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
Last summer, I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation, | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
but the hosepipe ban hit us hard. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
And I think the points have to go to Milton and Patrick. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
Give them a round of applause. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:11 | |
On the board are six categories. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Patrick? | 0:16:13 | 0:16:14 | |
Transport. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
The answer is "35 seconds" - what is the question? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
Is it, "How long regular viewers will take to change over | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
"when they realise I'm sitting in Frankie Boyle's seat?" | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
I know the answer. "What is a BAD sexual nickname?" | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Is it, "What is the age of consent for a mayfly?" | 0:16:33 | 0:16:38 | |
Is it, "If you try and Google Tiananmen Square in China, how soon before you get a knock at the door?" | 0:16:40 | 0:16:47 | |
Is it how long it takes Paul McCartney, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
when watching Dancing On Ice, to shout, "Trip, you bitch"? | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
"I bought those shoes!" | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Shoe. | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
Is it, "Due to the BBC cutbacks, what is the new name for Just A Minute?" | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
-One for the Radio 4 fans. -Very nice. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Is it the length of time between Peter Mandelson's heart beats? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:19 | |
Is it the length of time you can watch TV for before someone says, "Go Compare!"? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:26 | |
Is it, "How long does it take Jordan to get over a relationship?" | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
The answer is going to be, "This is how long it will take | 0:17:32 | 0:17:36 | |
"for the new scanners to, er, scan you." | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
That's absolutely right, well done, Russell. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
The question I was looking for was, | 0:17:44 | 0:17:45 | |
"How long will it take for passengers to be scanned through new airport body scanners?" | 0:17:45 | 0:17:50 | |
The controversial new security technology is due to be introduced at airports around the UK. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:55 | |
The process has already met with considerable opposition. Why? | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
-Because they'll see me naked, Dara! -Yes, we'll be able to see people's willies. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
That is essentially it. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Do you want to be blown up, or...? | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
People go, "Oh my God, it'll attract perverts." | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
Not unless you're into ghost porn! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
-Is that a man or a woman? -That's Casper. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Not only, though, are you naked, but you've got to do the Macarena at the same time! | 0:18:16 | 0:18:22 | |
The public outrage is extraordinary. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
The papers seem to think that this machine has been programmed | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
that every time a woman goes through it, it goes, "Phwoar!" | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
It doesn't just beep, it goes, "Ding-dong!" | 0:18:34 | 0:18:39 | |
You can see on that, you can see he's got a wallet, a belt... | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
some change, a pen, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
and a weird thing across his chest. I'd get that checked out! | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
Somebody has... A surgeon has lost something inside that man. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:53 | |
He also appears to have only two bones. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
He's also, weirdly, taller from the back, which is... | 0:18:57 | 0:19:02 | |
That's harsh, isn't it? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
You don't really want people looking at your wobbly bits, do you? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:08 | |
Here they are, going, "This bloke's looking nervous as he comes through. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
"Is it that he's carrying a bomb?" | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
No, it's a cold day and he's a bit worried about the size of his knob. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
They may open a region just before the thing, a kind of fluffy zone, | 0:19:18 | 0:19:23 | |
where you can take a few moments and stave off the cold. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
Just prepare yourself... | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
How long will it take before stag parties start taking Viagra before they get to the airport? | 0:19:30 | 0:19:36 | |
"Just for the craic!" | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
Is it not a serious point | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
that you've got to look at the ongoing war on terrorism and say, | 0:19:41 | 0:19:46 | |
"If we now have to show our genitals | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
"to a man in a box before we go on our holidays, | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
"I think they've won"? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:52 | |
-I... -You see, Dara... | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
Probably means they've won. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
The thing is that human rights activists hate these scanners, | 0:19:57 | 0:20:02 | |
but on the flip side, women's magazines will love it. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
It'll be, "Get the airport body scanner body you deserve." | 0:20:06 | 0:20:11 | |
People are going to be so self conscious. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
You'll have to get Gok Wan out to Heathrow, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
giving people rounds of applause to get them through. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
It's like, "Come on, sister, you can do it!" | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
I did get patted down the last-but-one time I went through Heathrow, and, er, you know, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:33 | |
"Ding-ding-ding" and they're straight to the Diana Ross. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
It's quite robust, it's quite the frisk, now. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
When I went, "That's a bit, you know, hefty," as a challenge, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
"You know, you're really making contact there," | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
and your man goes, "It's for your own good." | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
And I had a long discussion with him, going, | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
"No, no, no. Generally, all of security is for my own good, | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
"but actually patting me down individually isn't. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
"I know I'm not a terrorist!" | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
It's not like they'll say, "You've got a bomb strapped to you," | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
and you say, "I was wondering what that was. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
"It was chafing me in the taxi and I didn't feel like opening my shirt to find out. Thank you!" | 0:21:08 | 0:21:14 | |
The way to get them is to play them at their own game. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
When they pat you down, act like you're really enjoying it. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
That really freaks them out. Just sit there going, "Oh, God!" | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
"Oh!" Honestly, do it as loud as you can. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
They stop patting you down pretty quickly. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
The reason why all of this has been brought in is the guy who tried to blow himself up on Christmas Day. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
And I went home to Ireland for Christmas and it was worth it just to be there on Boxing Day | 0:21:36 | 0:21:41 | |
for my mother to say with no irony whatsoever, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
she said, just after the Christmas pudding, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
"I don't know, those Muslim terrorists, | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
"you think they'd at least take Christmas off." | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
That was what was funny, though. Nobody cared because it happened at Christmas. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
"Oh yeah, a plane nearly..." "Did it? Oh, Uncle Buck's on, Nan's going to wake in a minute." | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
They said that it was going to put people off flying. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
It didn't put me off flying as much as the story that happened in America just before that, | 0:22:06 | 0:22:11 | |
which was the story of the two pilots who'd fallen asleep and missed the airport by an hour. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
And you're thinking, "How can TWO pilots fall asleep?!" | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Who looks... One pilot, maybe, but who looks at their co-pilot, sees them falling asleep, | 0:22:19 | 0:22:25 | |
and thinks, "Yes, that's a good idea"? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
They have to do something, | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
because there are more and more suicide bombers. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
Well, more and more, and less and less. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
The thing about, I think his name was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
he was not only on a list, identified as a possible terrorist, | 0:22:44 | 0:22:50 | |
his father had alerted the authorities to the danger | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
that his son had been converted to Jihadism. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
The only reason is because his father is a former director of the First National Bank of Nigeria, | 0:22:56 | 0:23:01 | |
and presumably, when they got the e-mail that said, | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
"I am the director of the First National Bank of Nigeria, | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
"I have some information which may be of value to you," | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
they just deleted it. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Have you seen the latest thing they're using - body language? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
As if somebody's going to be walking along playing with their moustache, going, "Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" | 0:23:15 | 0:23:21 | |
Apparently, this is it, now, right... | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
Was that a meerkat terrorist?! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
It's a meerkat terrorist, yeah. It plants a bomb and goes, "Simples". | 0:23:29 | 0:23:33 | |
Apparently, this means you're lying, this means you're nervous. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
And if you go like this... | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
it means you've got a bomb up your arse. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:49 | |
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
If everyone can make their way to the performance area, please. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:56 | |
I'll read out the topics, and we'll see what the panellists can come up with. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:01 | |
The first subject is... | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
-IMPERSONATING BRUCE FORSYTH: -"But before we see tonight's crimes, let's meet the judges." | 0:24:06 | 0:24:13 | |
"Police say they are looking for a black man in his 20s. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
"And that they always will be." | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
"Do you recognise this man? Thought not. It's Nick Clegg." | 0:24:26 | 0:24:31 | |
"They say criminals always return to the scene of a crime... | 0:24:37 | 0:24:42 | |
"which is why we've probably got so many Australians over here." | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
"Coming up next week, we'll be trying to solve the murders | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
"of the people who phoned up giving information on criminals this week." | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
"Today, we're looking at identity theft. I'm..." | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
"All the victims are deaf, dumb or blind. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
"These are senseless killings." | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
"Baffled police are appealing for help. Do you know where Wally is?" | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
"So, er...if you're being interrogated by the police | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
"and they're recording the interview, | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
"just make sure that every so often, you go..." | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
"Ow!" | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
"Tonight, the great train robbery - London to Glasgow, £235 return." | 0:25:44 | 0:25:50 | |
"Tonight, we're looking for the man who keeps on burgling my home | 0:25:54 | 0:25:59 | |
"every time I present this programme." | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
"'Ello and welcome to Crimewatch. I'm your host, Ray Winstone. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
"Leave it, you slag!" | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
"Don't go camping in the countryside... | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
"Have you noticed that whenever the police find a body, | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
"it's always in a tent?" | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
"Hello, I'm Nick Ross, and tonight, I'm asking, | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
"Who stole my fucking job?" | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
OK, the next topic is... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
Unlikely things to hear on a TV election debate. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
The truth. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
"Labour, ready! Tories, ready! | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
"Bring on the wall!" | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
"I think of this studio as a second home, | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
"which is why I'm claiming expenses for it." | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
"The lines have closed. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
"Gordon, it could be you. David, it could be you. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
"Nick, it's not going to be you." | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
"We in the Tory party are going to give the north of England a huge Boost, | 0:27:21 | 0:27:26 | |
"and then all the people can come out and lick the chocolate off it." | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
"If you're elected, you'll raise taxes!" | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
"If your mum's elected, she will!" | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
"It's me who got you into this mess and it's... | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
"him who'll get you out of it." | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
"And at the end of that round, Gordon, you've scored no points." | 0:27:47 | 0:27:53 | |
"I'm really very proud of my working class roots. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:59 | |
"Er, when I was growing up, we only had an outside toilet. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
"Eventually, we got enough money to buy a house." | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
"Cheryl, tonight, you're going to be mentoring the Lib Dems." | 0:28:12 | 0:28:17 | |
"Lembit Opik, what's your real name?" | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
"How will we shorten waiting lists? Simple. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
"By letting the weak... | 0:28:29 | 0:28:31 | |
"die." | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 | |
"Hello! | 0:28:40 | 0:28:43 | |
"I am the messiah!" | 0:28:43 | 0:28:46 | |
"And the queen is a biscuit!" | 0:28:48 | 0:28:52 | |
"I am almost certain that was a floating voter." | 0:28:56 | 0:29:01 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Patrick, Hugh and Milton. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
And that's the end of the show. | 0:29:16 | 0:29:18 | |
This week's winners are Patrick Kielty, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:22 | |
Commiserations to Russell Howard, Mark Watson and Andy Parsons. | 0:29:22 | 0:29:27 | |
I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you for watching. Good night. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:32 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 |