Food & Drink Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world, News of the world

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

APPLAUSE

OK. Our first round is called Headliners.

Here is a picture of clean-up operations after the bird flu

outbreak at Bernard Matthews' farm in Suffolk.

But what does BTAD stand for?

Is it Bugger, There's a Dead One?

LAUGHTER

Is it Bio Terrorists Annual Disco?

LAUGHTER

Is it BBC terminate Ant and Dec?

LAUGHTER

Is it Bath Time Arse Disaster?

LAUGHTER

-Yes, the...

-Again, a long video.

-Yes, I have to say,

the answer I was looking for was

Bath Time Arse Disaster.

-I got that paper.

-Yeah, it was good? Actually...

-It's a good paper.

But they just went at a different angle with the whole thing.

-It's probably, well it's Turkeys Are Destroyed, I would reckon.

-Yes.

But what the B - Bilious, Billions, British.

-Brit-ish, very good. Well done, Hugh.

-British Turkeys.

By a process of going through every word beginning with B,

Hugh has correctly identified the answer. Let us applaud him!

The answer I was looking for was - British Turkeys Are Destroyed

and refers to the arrival of the deadly H5N1 strain of avian flu in this country.

Exclusion zones have been set up and a cull of 159,000 birds carried out.

Is it enough, I wonder, ladies and gentlemen?

The BBC sent us a note not to scaremonger in any way.

It's out there! It's out there, for God's sake!

Buy canned goods and shotgun cartridges!

What the hell are you doing watching this, for Christ's sake? Squark squark! Boom!

That's what you should be doing right now. Sorry, has that set the wrong tone?

APPLAUSE

-We don't need to panic, let's face it.

-We don't need to panic.

Apparently, if you eat turkey, you should be absolutely fine.

The only way you can catch it is if you dry out the carcass and sniff it.

LAUGHTER

-That's essentially it, yes.

-If you're into that sort of weird shit,

you deserve exactly what's coming to you.

For years now we've been told you've got to have, you know, free-range chicken.

It's going to completely change that. You don't want a chicken that's free-range,

you want a chicken that has been locked up for a long...you know,

this isn't an ordinary chicken, this is a chicken which has been

raised friendless in solitary confinement.

If this happens, and is brought into the health care system in general, do you think Britain's health care

-system will be able to cope with, you know, a mass outbreak of...?

-Almost certainly not.

You're supposed to have a flu buddy.

You've got to pair up with somebody and they'll deliver the injection to you.

Exactly, but if it was my mates, they'd just pop a bit of Viagra in it.

Here you are, you're going to die, have some doughnuts, have some fun.

Fling it on yourself, see how many you can count.

Doughnuts, with Viagra, what the hell are you doing, Howard?

I'm there, I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging them gently on me.

-They're ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.

-I'm not a beast!

-Yeah, but where's he putting them?

-Like this, doing it like that.

-Oh, God - it's Howard's Hoopla!

-Why?!

-Because I'm nearly dead, Frankie! Could I not have some fun?

Find a woman, leave the pastries alone!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to have to walk past a Greggs now - how horrific will that be? People..."there he is, animal."

Looking at me like that.

I'll just have to wander in - "Gingerbread man, please."

Just turn him around. Lovely.

It could be worse, Russell.

Would it help you if half of the performers weren't eating bananas?

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees.

Yeah, yeah, so seriously, you'd like the bananas to pause just for a second, yeah. OK.

-Special banana.

-Jarred, you'll get a banana.

Or we'll get you some grapes.

Is it a greengrocers are we turning into here?

What have G8 leaders been debating in Japan this week?

They've been debating biofuels, for one thing.

-Yes.

-They've basically decided part of the food crisis is to do with

bio fuels. Bio fuels is not the greatest idea, is it?

Trying to make petrol out of things like maize,

given that a third of the world is malnourished, you know.

People watching a car going past - "Oh, crikey, there goes my sodding lunch!"

It's a bit much these rich countries going on about food shortages, isn't it?

I mean, we're going to be fine. How, how bad are things going to have to get before we can't

afford to shop at Lidl?

I once did my entire weekly shop at Lidl in exchange for an amulet

made from cats' teeth.

LAUGHTER

Gordon Brown is there telling us we shouldn't waste food.

Surely he needs to talk to John Prescott, a man,

who from his own diaries, we know wastes an awful lot of food.

Yeah, there's a difference between being a bulimic

and just liking to eat so much that you puke.

I think it's a good point you're making, if they say that we waste £400 a year on food,

it's not just the food that you throw away, there's food that

you have on your face, and also asparagus, how low do you go?

Some people just tip, whereas there's a lot of asparagus that you can still enjoy.

Obviously you don't eat the whole asparagus, I'm not a monster,

but you do, you can, there's at least an inch more.

My wife leaves a huge amount of asparagus, I think, well...the food wastage!

I think you should say that to the starving nations of the world.

Tell them they're being too picky about how much asparagus they eat.

-But with asparagus...

-That was the most middle class limbo ever. "Asparagus, how low do you go?"

-And this issue...

-This is what it's all about, right,

because it's Gordon Brown saying we're wasting food.

It's not like it's the biggest waste of money we have.

We spend millions and billions of pounds building weapons to

kill shepherds, and you've got someone who's spent £7 billion

on two aircraft carriers this week, standing in front of us going,

"Maybe you should keep your potato peelings and make some kind of flan."

I'm slightly confused, though, because we're throwing away millions

of tons of food, and yet, 25% of the nation is obese,

which implies that late at night, fat people are eating from bins.

Now that's, now let's be honest...

APPLAUSE

The subject is Food. Who wants to talk about that? Milton.

I went for an Italian recently. Well, he was annoying me.

LAUGHTER

Incredible to think, isn't it,

that every single Scotsman started off

as a Scotch egg.

LAUGHTER

Cold and gingery.

LAUGHTER

I was grilling some tomatoes the other day, saying,

"Who are you, where do you come from?"

LAUGHTER

I almost got into the SAS.

I failed on one question, they said, right, imagine the scenario,

terrorists have taken hostages, they're holding them

in an embassy, what are your preferred tactics?

I said, I like the orange ones.

LAUGHTER

I was in the park the other day,

watching an old man feed the birds and after a

while I thought to myself, I wonder how long he's been dead.

LAUGHTER

When the boys in the playground found out that I had a potentially

fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to shove me up against a wall

and make me play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels.

LAUGHTER

Can I ask a serious economic question?

What have we been buying that has helped us out of this?

-Pies.

-Pies, yes, pies, yes.

-We've been eating comfort food, buying comfort food, haven't we?

-Yeah.

Buying loads and loads of pies. Pie buying is at a 30-year high.

It's 16% higher than it was, yes.

A nightmare for nutritionists.

All those healthy eating arguments gone out of the window. Are you eating your five a day?

Yeah, I had steak and kidney, a steak...

I think it, I think it must only be in south,

cos you know, if we ate more pies in the north than

we do already, they'd have to invent like a breakfast pie.

We've also, we've also gone a little bit cosmopolitan as well.

I was at my mum and dad's, cos I've been gigging in Liverpool. I come downstairs

for breakfast and instead of having a normal breakfast, my dad was

sat there with a croissant, because my mum's gone all continental.

And he's sat there with this croissant,

I just looked at him, he looked at me, he went, "Yeah, I know."

I said, er...I said, "What's your croissant like, Dad?"

He said, "It's shit."

He said, "Croissants are just empty pasties."

APPLAUSE

Actually the other thing, pies have gone up, and lipstick, bizarrely.

-Yeah, yeah.

-God bless.

And a weird double whammy - people are getting themselves fat, but slightly more attractive.

The economy is being propped up by obese alcoholic chain-smokers.

We'll have to change smoking cigarettes, you know,

smoking causes cancer, but it also stimulates economic growth.

There'll be blokes going, "See that school? I paid for that."

LAUGHTER

They will. "I did it all, I was doing my bit.

LAUGHTER

"I was doing my bit."

I imagine the school he paid for doesn't have very good facilities for sport and whatnot.

"Just helping, Dara!"

-But that's what it needs.

-"They were going to spend the money on a gym. I said, 'Don't bother'!"

But the government have been getting at fat people for years, and

they've got us out of this recession AND they are our only chance

if the Chinese do ever decide to jump up and down at the same time.

Right.

LAUGHTER

As soon as we see that tidal wave coming - up you go, fat kids!

Boom - we send one back, it all cancels out round Chicago, genius.

APPLAUSE

So...not one letter back from the Ministry of Defence.

There was a reference in the paper about two weeks ago

about why we've got so many obese children

and why is it related to what we're doing in the recession and so on.

And it came to the conclusion, we've got so many obese children

because parents love their kids too much,

and because they love their kids too much,

they give them fast food, because that's what they like.

And then because we love our kids too much,

we won't let them walk to school in case somebody snatches them.

And I've got to be honest with you, I've not spoken to many paedos,

but I don't think they're into fat kids, you know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know it's controversial, but I think let them go to school,

every now and again, if they get chased they might shed a few pounds.

Where has Jesus turned up recently?

In everyone, Dara.

APPLAUSE

He's actually, he's turned up on Myspace, hasn't he?

He HAS turned up on Myspace, yes.

He's taken, he's got his own, he's got his own little page

on Myspace now, and it's something along the lines of, you know,

you've got to try and spot where you might be able to see Jesus,

isn't there, and there's this big picture of like a pint glass,

with his face on it and you're supposed to be...

as if the only time you would see Jesus was after

you'd finished a certain amount of alcohol.

This is the picture. See if you can spot the face of friendly Jesus.

-What I like about it... have you all seen it? Can you see it?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

I like the way he looks like a Scooby Doo character looking out from behind a tree.

"Ooh, peekaboo! Peekaboo! Who's that there?"

-He's quite an angry Jesus.

-He is angry, he's angry, Jesus, isn't he?

His moustache is down-turning now.

It must be a pint of Stella, he's appearing in. "Grrr!

"If I had a wife, I'd beat her right now."

Do you remember that thing in the World Cup

when Wayne Rooney turned up in a potato?

And you think, well surely he turns up in most of them.

What I love about that is the fact that there is a good mouthful

left at the end of that pint. That pint's not finished, right.

So you've got a touch of, "There's Jesus, there goes Jesus!"

So, the police have been... Stop it now.

We are genuinely filming this shit, could you stop throwing stuff?

I know it seems, you know, I know this bit isn't all about you,

but don't break open the sweets just yet, all right?

OK.

The police were having problems with their e-fit technology.

It was really, it was, um...

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a piece of footage, featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Oh, someone should tell you, you've got a turkey on your head.

"Let go, let go, that's enough!

"I'm the Prince of Wales, thank you."

"Good morning, I'm looking for... where's my list? Um...

"CHEESE, that's right! Do you, do you...

"she's told me to buy some cheese. Do you have cheese? Any cheese?"

"Yes, we have cheese, sir, we have lots of cheese.

"What kind of cheese was it you were after at all?

"Do you know?"

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "I think I'm just looking for cheese.

"Is that, is that cheese? I've never actually bought anything.

"Good morning, do you, do you have cheese? I'm looking for cheese.

"Apparently it's cheese I'm after. Is that cheese?

"Those things, is that cheese at all?"

"No, that's an oyster, sir, your Royal Idiotness. That's an oyster."

(IMITATE PRINCE CHARLES) "Does it, does it taste of cheese?

"Oh God, Judith Chalmers, I thought you were dead!

"Wish you were here! Ah, wish I was King!

"Oh, I wish I had cheese. Oh, no, do you have cheese,

"you shiny-faced man who's escaped from a cuckoo clock. Do you?

"Is that, is that cheese?"

"No, this is ham, sir. That is ham there, that is."

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Does it, is it like cheese at all?

"It's cheese I'm after you see."

"No, that is ham you see.

"That is a pig that's been shot, you see, that's how that works."

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Shot?" Oh, yes, probably by my father, yes.

"Mistook it for an immigrant, yes."

"You can taste some of this ham if you like, come over here, try that."

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Will I like it?" "It has magical properties. You eat that,

"you go to a different part of the space time continuum, that's what happens there, yeah."

(IMITATES PRINCE CHARLES) "Fuck me!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Where's the cheese? Where's the cheese?"

Well done, Hugh.

In other news, what's going on here?

They've found a piece of toast with Osama Bin Laden on.

They would have found it ten years ago,

but it was hiding in the toaster.

It definitely, it definitely IS him,

because when someone tried to eat it, he used a Pop Tart as a shield.

It is surely the photograph they've always wanted,

-it's proof that Osama Bin Laden IS toast.

-Yep.

Oh yeah.

That is, of course, Osama in his heyday.

Now, of course, you know, if you pull out the crumb tray

and pour it into the sink, that is more what he looks like.

APPLAUSE

Jesus must be well pissed off with this.

Because even a few weeks ago, that would have been Jesus.

-It's all topical.

-"It's me lads, I'm back again, I'm on toast this time.

Toast is unbelievably fickle.

Toast chases trends like no other heated bread.

-Who gobbled up Cadbury during the week?

-Kraft, yeah.

-Yes, indeed.

Kraft, whose only contribution to human progress so far

has been the invention of cheese that can also be used as a bookmark.

The guy who invented Kraft,

his name is like John Kraft or something, his original job

when the company built itself up, he was a door-to-door cheese salesman.

-Well, actually...

-That's something from another era, would you trust,

"Ding dong, would you like some cheese?" No!

From a man walking door-to-door, right?

I can beat that, my mate, when he was younger,

he used to be a door-to-door karate salesman.

Can he do karate? No, he can't.

That question there could have been answered so many...

you could have asked that question any week.

Who gobbled up Cadbury's this week?

Obviously, this week it's Kraft,

most weeks it would be sad, lonely women at that sort of...

-Hey! Hey! Hey!

-I'll tell you what, though...

-I'm not lonely!

-And also, there is something...

I'm genuinely worried about Dairy Milk, though,

because it, I don't know where I'm... it's my one source of milk.

If it wasn't for Dairy Milk your bones would be nothing, you know.

On the news they kept saying, they just kept saying that

Cadbury's had been taken over by an American food giant.

I was thinking, "You'll have to be more specific,

"because about half the population of America could technically be described as American food giants."

You could say that about the Jolly Green Giant, he's one of yours?

-He's British, you could say that he could defend...

-He's British? He's fictional!

Well, it's fictional British.

Also he's green, what would make you think he wasn't one of yours?

What would be great, if when Cadbury's shuts down,

if just a load of Oompah Loompahs come out of the gate, like that.

My sister bought me a box of forty-eight bars,

the standard size bars of Dairy Milk for Christmas

and I think she thought it would be one a day and last for ages,

and I just opened it with a kitchen knife.

I did think about putting them all out on the bed

and like writhing around naked like in Indecent Proposal.

Don't do that, never, never mix sex and chocolate.

-They're hard. Really?

-Women tend to look like Morph.

In the week that Osama Bin Laden released...

Argh! For fuck's sake!

More of that later, Mock The Week.

I foiled him by throwing a banana at him!

Who throws... who throws a BANANA at somebody?

And the topic is Food. Away you go.

Now this is one of my favourite topics,

because I absolutely HATE restaurants.

And my wife LOVES restaurants.

She's middle class, she's been skiing and everything.

And she loves the restaurant!

She says, "Can we go to a restaurant at the weekend?"

And I say, "Yes, we can."

And we're there, we're barely there two minutes and she's like,

"Isn't it a lovely ambience?"

And I say, "I don't know what you're talking about, I really don't."

I've worked out what an ambience is,

it's a night out without poor people, innit, basically.

It's people with a few quid just saying,

"Can we just have one night out without the poor people turning up?

"You know what they're like, they'll be banging spoons,

"singing 'My Old Man's a Dustman', creating an atmosphere.

"We want an ambience!"

So we try and enjoy the ambience.

But something's happened spoiling it for me,

there's no tomato sauce on the table.

Creating a situation with my wife, and she said,

"You're going to ask for tomato sauce, aren't you?"

I said, "Yes, I am,

"because I'm going to have the risotto."

You can't eat risotto without red sauce, it's too dry.

It's a health and safety issue,

You've got to jooj it up with a bit of red sauce, right?

Else I'm not having it.

I said to the waitress, "Excuse me,

"do you have any ketchup in the building?"

She looked at me like I'm the worst pleb God has ever put breath into.

She went off to the kitchen and I saw her making her way back

with a pot about that big, about two chip-fuls of tomato sauce in it.

I thought, "Oh, here we go!" She's tried to put it down

and walk away like she's doing a drug deal or something,

and I stopped her, I said, "Hold on love, love, don't rush off!"

And I took a sip of it.

And I looked at her, I said, "Yes, I'll have a bottle, please.

APPLAUSE

The answer is... "Middlesbrough, Rhyl and Liverpool."

-What is the question?

-Um...

In which three towns are you considered a lesbian

if you're over fourteen and haven't got six kids?

Where are the three largest Lidls in the country?

Is it, my car's been stolen and cut into three pieces.

Where is it?

What three places did the British Health Board

name as the Axis of Chips?

Is it, what are the first three chapters of the book

'Places Not to Grow Up Gay?'

LAUGHTER

What a Christmas present that would be! "There you are, son."

"What are you trying to say here, Dad? What are you trying to say?"

It's to do with, it's to do with life expectancy though, isn't it?

-It is to do with life expectancy, yes.

-Is it three of the lowest,

-in the bottom ten for life expectancy.

-That's absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

This is the story, every so often this same story comes up that

up north apparently that all they eat is pies, it's just horrific.

But then you think about it, if all they do is eat pies

and that, we should genetically modify pies and give them legs.

And that way, we could have the pies dance and go,

"Oi fatty, you want to eat me, don't you?

"Well, you've got to catch me first.

And all the fruit and veg and healthy food just left there

-and the pie's legging it.

-Genetically modify a pie?

By the way, Dara, Dara...

Pies don't, they're not like born of a large mother pie,

that pops them out from a pie womb and then they're, you know,

they're not individual living creatures.

-But what I'm saying, we can make it happen.

-But Dara's right,

there are definitely holes in your "get pies to grow legs" theory.

There are... But what we have to do is not kill the cow,

cover it in pastry, it can run on its own.

Just avoid, avoid the killing.

APPLAUSE

It would be quite a large pie.

Think of the horror if a pie with human hands turned bad.

Can you imagine being throttled to death by a pie?

In fairness...

How ironic a death that would be, to be killed literally by a pie?

"You knew I would get you eventually",

says the pie who also has a mouth.

Would you give legs to a fish pie,

or would that be just too against nature?

Would it have to, would it have to be fins to a fish pie?

I come up with the idea, then I just kick back and play golf,

nuts on the road. What I do... I rock up,

I say, I just walk into a factory and declare, right,

"I want legs on pies!"

-And then I walk out.

-But how?

You go, "Don't give me how! I'm not the how guy!

"I pay YOU to be the how guy!

"I just get the ideas, you fill in the details."

THWACK! And then go.

I can't believe that Glasgow hasn't appeared on this table.

Because we're doing everything right.

This table is for England and Wales.

You have your own... much like football,

you have your own league, of a much lower, of a much lower level anyway.

We're basically in a health dungeon.

You would screw with the figures so much...

Could you carry a guard pie around with you that would attack people?

Mr Dennis, welcome to the Executive Board. He's thinking out loud!

A guard pie, of course, that's the next plan!

He's moving up the corporate ladder really quickly here, isn't he?

OK, I almost dread asking the next question.

What have scientists been given the go-ahead to create this week?

-Multi-tasking pies.

-Porno pies!

-Porno pies!

-PORNO pies?

-Porno pies.

They turn up to do your plumbing, they open up with a steak inside,

it's beautiful.

What kind of pornos are YOU watching?!

Some steak, "Yeah, phwoar, that's got me up the runway." Jesus!

I'm trying to get on the corporate ladder, you racist!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a quandary, what can I say to that situation?

I have NEVER seen the race card pulled so beautifully.

That was, you know, that was a pair of ace race cards.

Oh, I got bullets, urgh!

What have scientists been given, I'll ask the question again,

what have scientists been given the go-ahead to create this week?

-Monkey butlers.

-Not monkey butlers!

-It's close!

-They've been given the go-ahead to create

-human animal hybrids in embryos.

-Yes, they have, exactly, yeah, yeah.

And the scientists are very excited, because

they've already had tremendous success with Wayne Rooney.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The other nominees for the Image of the Week, what's going on here?

That is the face of Jesus on a naan bread...

Yes, it is.

..or possibly a posing pouch for an evangelical Christian.

It is a weird Christian thing and a weird Catholic thing

to see images of Christ or the Virgin Mary.

-I mean, for this one, what's that in?

-That's Jesus in someone's back.

-It looks like someone's been bruised.

-It IS a bruise.

-It's Jesus in a bruise.

-Is it really?

-Somebody got bruised.

-That looks more like Albert Einstein!

-Yeah.

-It does, it is yeah.

-Yeah, you're right...

That is a good call though.

Young Einstein, darker hair, in a bruise, yeah.

Maybe Jesus appeared at the curry, right, because, you know,

they'd ordered some bread and then four lagers and he was thinking,

"No, should have a glass of red wine to go with the bread.

"I'd better appear and tell them."

I mean, you know, some joke like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've never seen somebody give up as elegantly as that.

Do you know what I mean, like there's some wine,

some bread, blaargh!

Basically, that was the IKEA of jokes.

Here's the stuff, you build it.

Just lean it together, lean it all together.

That goes there, that goes there, you don't need me.

Hammer it together.

The first subject tonight is, What A TV Chef Would Never Say.

So, that's the bird plucked and stuffed.

All that remains is to kill it.

Welcome to One Fat Lady.

And here, what you want to do is put a little bit of the bran mixture

in the tin and then sprinkle a little bit of hash on the top of it.

Well, huh? These Korean meat balls really are the dog's bollocks.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you're wondering how to get the perfect skin

on your parsnips,

then you're mental.

Hello, I'm Delia Smith and today we're going to cook

a panda.

Am I invisible in this jacket?!

APPLAUSE

So, I've marinated it for half an hour,

seared it for 15 seconds and now I'm drizzling it on my buttocks.

You just need two things to make this dish.

What you need is a takeaway menu and a phone.

Tonight on Russian Cookery, cyanide, polonium

and a crab stuffed with explosives.

Fuck off!

APPLAUSE

It's not going to be worth it now, is it?

The next topic is,

Things That Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party.

Ignore the banging, she's been in there for 24 years!

Help yourself to Nibbles.

He was our favourite hamster, but it's what he would have wanted.

Are you sure this is... pork?

It's just because my crackling has a tattoo.

Don't worry, we don't say grace,

we just sacrifice a child to the great god Imhotep.

Doorbell! Excellent, that'll be Heather Mills and James Blunt.

I hope he's brought his guitar.

I hope nobody's allergic to nuts,

because I like to rest mine on the table.

Well, this is absolutely lovely.

I say we all raise a glass,

TO THE FUHRER!

Ten of you arrived, only one will leave.

Anyway, long story short, after, about two hours,

you couldn't tell what was poo and what was chocolate.

There is a vegetarian option,

you can fuck off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd