Law and Order Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories.

Michael, which category would you like?

I would like the category of Crime, please, Dara.

OK, Crime it is. The answer is...25 pence.

What is the question?

What is the British name for American rapper 50 Cent?

Is it how much would I have to be paid up front

to kill Jeremy Clarkson?

What fee guarantees Dean Gaffney's appearance at a party?

What's top prize on Romanian Deal Or No Deal?

Can I just take the box?

-No, the box is not...

-I can use it for shoes.

I'm going to steer you towards the correct answer.

Does anyone have any idea what was worth 25p this week?

-It's something to do with money, isn't it? And crime.

-It's something to do with money.

It's to do with the real cost of something that was on sale.

-It was Viagra.

-Absolutely right, yes.

Yes, the question I was looking for is - how much were a criminal gang

paying for fake Viagra tablets that they later sold for up

to £20 each? Several members of an international network

were found guilty of making millions from producing

counterfeit Viagra and anti-baldness tablets at factories in Asia.

-How was the scam uncovered?

-You know, it's ridiculous the way...

It doesn't grow your bloody hair back!

It was uncovered by excellent work from Customs And Excise, apparently,

whereas it should have been uncovered by someone going,

"Hang on a minute, I'm sure something's meant to happen."

I took Viagra once.

I took Viagra and I had a hard-on for so long

I had to give it its own shelf in the fridge.

Did anyone see the News 24 reaction?

It was fantastic because it just came up - news just in -

and they found out about the Viagra case,

and it was brilliant, because they were doing little puns.

They were genuinely kind of going, "I bet that's a hard case.

"That'll get a stiff sentence."

And then you could genuinely see they obviously got

-a word in their ear and they went...

-SCOLDED:

-"Yeah, OK."

It's great we've got a drug to help old people have sex, isn't it?

I love old people who've got that little twinkle in their eye,

you know, and you're there playing Scrabble with your grandparents

and your grandpa puts down Viagra on a double word score and just goes...

I wonder about that old woman that gave birth at 63.

Because that baby can't have had to force its way out.

Every time she went for a shit, it probably had to brace itself.

A bit like the end of the Italian Job or something.

Why has George Osborne been dragged into the phone hacking scandal?

Because he was already involved in it in the beginning.

That's a point.

He was formerly friends with someone

who ran a prostitution distribution business.

This lady claims that she and George Osborne took cocaine together.

George... A claim he strenuously, strenuously denies, we have to legally say.

He strenuously denies taking prostitute's cocaine.

And possibly all other forms of cocaine,

we have to legally say that he strenuously denies it.

And do you know why I think this is a failed opportunity?

This woman ran a high-class escort service and nobody's asked her

what she thinks of the 50% tax rate.

But if there's anyone who would have strong feelings on that,

it would be hookers, who after half an hour must be going,

"Jeez, I'm doing this for the government now."

Wasn't the agency... It was a specialist agency, wasn't it?

It was called Black Beauties.

So...ponies?

No, it was just, it was all black women. What are you looking at me like that for?

Because you're speaking. I thought you'd find it more polite.

I'm happy to look over at Chris whilst you're speaking but...

I could dance for you, Andy, whilst Ava's talking.

No, because I said it was called Black Beauties,

you were looking at me like I was about to confess something.

-I just read it.

-Would you, as soon as you said it's Black Beauties,

then we all slowly turned away and just ignored you.

Like that scene in 12 Angry Men. Oooh.

But it is amazing, isn't it, that they actually found out so much from the phone hacking?

Because, let's face it, if you've got anything important to say to people,

you don't tend to leave it on their answerphone message.

You go, "Oh, call us back," don't you?

You don't go, "Oh yes, I've booked all those prostitutes in Nazi uniforms

"and I've buried the body at the bottom of the garden.

"Anyway, let's hope nobody finds out about this. Call me back."

"And I'm on the train..."

That's the kind of story you would expect to see, wouldn't you?

Hugh Grant's girlfriend says she's on train, she'll be about half an hour,

would Hugh like her to pick up some milk on the way back?

Hugh Grant's mum says she doesn't really like talking to these sorts of things,

she's going to put your dad on.

-But there was another one on phone hacking this week.

-There was...

-Which was David Blunkett, wasn't it?

-Blunkett, yeah.

And do you know how they know it was David Blunkett?

Because when the phone is answered, there's a dog saying, "Dave, it's for you, mate."

Surely he's one of the only ones you didn't need to sort of hack.

You could just sneak up and just stand next to him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's very good.

And the amount of faked photographs of him doing cocaine because you

just go, in any social situation, just put a plate full of cocaine.

But it was mundane because people just didn't change their codes

on the thing and their argument was, it was just there.

It's crazy that people don't change their codes anyway.

Mine's 6791.

It's easy for you to remember, isn't it, because it's the year

you were born, '67, followed by the year you lost your virginity?

Yeah, well, I'm pleased about that because you've made me

slightly younger than I actually am.

-And it means you've had sex at least once.

-Yeah.

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Royal Family.

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh my God, my arse has gone to sleep.

Well, it's so difficult to decide from one test drive,

I think it's a toss-up between this and the Vauxhall Astra.

Hmm. What do you think, Liz?

AS THE QUEEN: Well, why don't you ask them if they can do a deal?

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, this is a strange dealership, fancy dress.

Ah, I see. Liz has come as one of the girls from Sheilas' Wheels.

Yes, I want the big one out the front all leathered-up.

It's not the first time I've said that.

AS JUDGE: I'm not in fancy dress, actually, I'm a proper judge.

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, can you get me a super-injunction?

AS JUDGE: What have you done? AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, practically everything.

AS POLICEMAN: Well, as you can see from the footage from the speed camera,

it's a black Daimler with bullet-proof glass, registration plate HRH 1.

So if you can decide which of the two of you was driving,

you'll be saving yourselves a lot of time and indeed trouble.

We've also got your husband's hard drive, Madam. Yes.

AS THE QUEEN: Well, I thought I'd got the safeguards on,

I must have forgotten.

AS MAN IN SUIT: Did they find anything on the computer, ma'am?

AS THE QUEEN: Well, actually, it was rather sweet.

6,000 images of Pippa Middleton. Yes.

But, if you'll excuse me,

I've just got to go and do a bit of moonlighting.

Shouldn't... Shouldn't take a minute. Yes.

Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Have you seen...? Have you seen what's going on over there? Yes.

They're trying to fit me up for a crime I never did, yes.

Speeding and looking at the posterior of a very attractive young lady.

I don't get it. Since when has that been a crime?

They can't... They can't bang you up for that, can they, in this...?

Oh, perhaps they can.

I've done nothing, if you want to arrest someone for a crime,

get Princess Beatrice for that hat she wore at the Royal Wedding.

It looked like a mutant Curly Wurly in brown fuzzy felt. Yes.

AS JUDGE: Now, so Philip Louis Stavros Mountbatten-Windsor,

you are charged on 365 counts of endangering wildlife

and 18 of impersonating a policeman with an Indian accent.

How do you plead?

AS PRINCE PHILIP: Oh, piss off!

Well done.

In other news, how is the search for Colonel Gaddafi going?

-Really well.

-Super. We've checked under the desk, no sign.

My guess is he's in Madame Tussauds posing as a Gene Simmons waxwork.

Or Wetherspoons.

He could hang out in Wetherspoons and nobody would bat an eyelid.

If you walked into a Wetherspoons and there was a man wearing a blanket

saying he'd killed people, that's just normal, isn't it?

Do you know, he's been spotted, though, hasn't he?

He's been spotted in Niger, Burkina Faso and Algeria.

So my theory is he might be on a very bizarre Inter-Rail trip.

-What has he left behind, though?

-Loads of stuff.

-Yeah.

On the doormat of his compound,

there was a letter saying, "Dear Colonel Gaddafi,

"A property that may interest you has just become vacant in Pakistan.

"We have another dictator who wishes to move into your area

"and is looking for a family-sized dictatorial compound."

My favourite picture was the guy with the jet-ski, like that guy.

Like, you think that was... He looks thrilled

but how many opportunities does that guy have to go jet-skiing?

He's just sitting there going...

Vroom! "Look at me, I'm going jet-skiing."

They also found a photo album with photos of Condoleezza Rice in.

-This is the weirdest thing, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, an album full of...

Actually, it was probably a prospectus from Black Beauties.

When you rent somebody from Black Beauties, do they do the theme tune?

Because that would, that would be cool.

You rent? Is that how you see it? You rent them?

Don't forget to rewind your prostitute before you take her back.

Oh, sorry, I'm sorry, am I stripping the dignity away from prostitution?

I apologise for that.

You're doing most of this for the government you know.

After half an hour.

After half an hour, I booked the hour.

I like your side-to-side rocking motion, Dara,

I'd suggest that's quite an unusual technique.

But I don't know much about Ireland.

This next round is our version of Question Time,

called Ask The Politicians. I'll play the host.

Jo, Frankie and John,

if you could move up among the audience, please, ready to ask

your questions to the politicians sitting at the front here.

If you could move in. Rory, you're Tony Benn.

Hugh, you're a Tory spokesman

and, Al, you're the voice of the silent majority.

Can we have our first audience question from, I think,

the intense Scottish man there, please.

Yes, could I ask the panel what single law

they would introduce to make Britain a better place?

Tony Benn, would you like to come in on that?

AS TONY BENN: Well, you see, straight away I wouldn't do a single law

because I'd say a lot of laws because that's got an S in it

but the best law I would say was Andrew Bonar Law,

who was a Conservative Minister and became Chancellor Of The Exchequer in 1910.

Wonderful person, I met him and I met him first time

and he was the first person who got me interested in politics.

But the answer to the question, Mr Benn, if you could possibly?

Well, you see, there we go, we're concentrating on personalities and not on issues.

I think that's completely wrong and I'll come back to you later.

OK. Tory, Hugh?

No foreigners.

Is that what you'd say?

Well, I think it's time for the decent, honest, hard-working,

law-abiding, tax-paying, normal, sensible, reasonable, down-to-earth,

hard-working, normal, law-abiding, down-to-earth, sensible,

reasonable people, hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying,

fleeced, decent, honest, hard-working, law-abiding, NORMAL, decent, reasonable, sensible,

law-abiding, normal, hard-working people of this country,

who don't want to pay their speeding fines, regardless...

regardless how fast we may have been going the wrong way up the slip road

on a phone, no seatbelt, no tax, no MOT, no insurance,

whilst eating a burger and receiving oral sex on the telephone.

Haven't you got anything better to do officer?

It's time for us...to speak!

And...

..bring back hanging, obviously.

-OK. The lady there in the middle. You've a question?

-Indeed.

Now that Cub Scouts don't have to swear allegiance to the Queen and God any more,

who do the panel think that they should swear allegiance to?

Tony Benn.

I think you have to go a long way to beat Clement Attlee.

I do, you know, it was 1945, Labour manifesto, it's a poem.

It's a wonderful poem. But no, or Asquith.

Asquith? OK. Attlee or Asquith?

I personally have sworn allegiance to a Cub Scout.

He's absolutely lovely and he does marvellous things with his woggle.

One phone call, you're on a register, you understand me?

Who would you pledge allegiance to, voice of the silent majority?

Well, speaking for the people who would have shot that burglar a third time, I...

I mean, he shouldn't have done that anyway,

he should have dug a pit with steel spikes and manure on the spikes

and a rug on the top, in comes the burglar, falls in.

Who's there?!

-Who would I swear allegiance to?

-Yeah.

Well, in fact, this is nonsense, isn't it? It's got to be the Queen.

You've got to go back to the Queen. And I love the Royal Family and not just out of mindless loyalty.

-If not that, then what?

-I fancy her.

Because they're all dirty, those German birds, aren't they?

What are politicians clamouring to condemn this week?

Oh, it's Saddam's death.

It is the hanging of Saddam, yes.

They couldn't have made it more undignified.

They couldn't have made it more undignified if they'd hung him from a Swingball.

"Yours, Saddam." "No, yours."

But there was some good news, wasn't there?

Because the actual charges against him for his second court case, they've been dropped.

-They've been dropped, yes.

-So that was good of them.

They were thinking of charging him for those as well.

Double death maybe, but no...

At worst, a mixed week for Saddam Hussein.

2007 has not gone well for him so far.

-How many of you actually watched it on YouTube, genuinely?

-Oh yeah.

-It's amazing, there was...

-It was horrendous, it was disgusting, I only gave it two stars.

It's true.

Because actually John Prescott was the person who came out

and was the person to condemn it. But that's pretty bad

if the only sort of moral conscience in your nation is a man who has done

things to his body that has turned his internal organs into pate.

A man who couldn't wear a tie

and a belt on the same day or he'd turn into sausages.

He's the moral heart of our country.

What's really interesting, everyone was really upset about

Blair going on holiday with the Bee Gees but this week there's actually

a law going through that gives the major oil companies in the world

75% of the profits in Iraq for the next 30 years.

And you kind of go, well, that's the thing to get angry about,

that's sort of proof that the war was illegal, isn't it?

-Yes, it is, it's...

-It's not desperately funny, though.

In another way, it's also the proof that the war was kind of worth it.

At least we've got something out of it.

You know, thousands of soldiers, just to murder some beardie guy?

Now, oil, that's worth a lot of money, I've heard.

-But they're saying, aren't they...?

-Let's see him say that in front of a load of Guardian readers.

"Kill him!" "Throw organic beans at him!"

"I'm too weak, I'm too weak."

I reckon it would have been good just to have put him

in the Big Brother house. Imagine that.

I don't know if you've seen it, it's been rubbish this series.

Day three, Germaine and Saddam are moon-walking towards the diary room.

He would have come in through a trap door in the ceiling.

Hey... Exactly.

It would have been worth it just for the surprise on his face.

"Hang on, hang on.

"Wait a minute, what's Jade's mother doing here?

"Argh, argh, argh! Quick."

But we are apparently in the middle of a countryside crime wave, have you seen this?

If I lived in the country, I'd be delighted

if someone did a crime, because I'd be bored out of my mind.

Thank God you've turned up with a shotgun to steal my rhubarb.

Could you kill me on the way out?

Some bloke stole rhubarb from an allotment, you'd have to...

They have to tag it, why don't they tag it?

But imagine the phone call, just some deranged...

"They've taken it, it's gone!

"My prize-winning marrow! Is there no God?!" You have to feel sorry...

Surely he could just put rhubarb down his sleeves and then go, arrgh!

Like that.

But you can't help but feel sorry for the...

-That is the lowest rung of criminality, isn't it, do you know what I mean?

-But have they...

Let me finish! Just... I'm going to kill myself here.

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

-Woah, woah, woah!

-Beautiful, vintage Mock The Week.

He's brought up the subject just so someone else can do a joke on it.

Surely he might have been working towards a punch line.

-Yeah, exactly. Fuck's sake.

-You ignorant

-BLEEP!

-Go on!

Jesus!

Could we get a higher chair for the joke umpire?

I've a feeling the Microsoft paperclip's taken some cocaine,

but I like it.

Wouldn't that be great? The little animation's kind of going...

"Good, yeah, hmm. That's a really good letter."

The point I was going to make is surely, right, fellas,

but surely, if you're a bank robber, you're sexy, you're dangerous,

you can get diamonds for your lover.

If you steal from allotments, what hope have you got, you know?

You've got dirt underneath your fingernails,

all you have to offer is broccoli, you know.

-I was wondering...

-Hey, a woman who's going to have sex for broccoli is going to be dirty.

-I was wondering if one of the reasons they were trying to...

-And possibly quite healthy.

Wouldn't that be...? Sorry to interrupt you, Andy, but wouldn't that be the...?

Wait! Wait!

-You ignorant

-BLEEP!

Frankly, I wish to go on the record and say I have now lost control.

The next topic is the War On Terror. Who wants in?

Frankie.

George Bush says that

when he retires he's going to make his living from speaking.

Yeah, play to your strengths, eh, George?

That's like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed

and it really made me think.

It made me think, is there nothing on the internet

that I won't masturbate to?

They put his... They put his death on YouTube.

I mean, it's really got to bring it home to you as a great dictator

when your death gets less hits than a fat Korean boy body-popping.

OK. In other news, who has been granted a last-minute injunction?

-The travellers.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-At Dale Farm.

-At Dale Farm.

There is a sort of irony in the fact that the travellers don't want to go anywhere.

It's sort of... I don't...

I saw one of the women interviewed from the site and she said,

"Putting a traveller in a house is like putting a traveller in a prison."

But yet they're building them.

You can put a traveller in a lodge.

What is that character?!

It's genetic.

It sounds like one of the Terrahawks.

"Ah, ha, ha, we're alone. We'll attack at dawn."

They're always claiming this mysterious...

You've gone through so many different countries with that accent as well.

Welsh, French. "What do we think?"

To be fair, it did kind of sound, "I'll get you Smurfs."

When I first heard about the story, I thought, "I really hate travellers,"

and then I realised it's the Irish travellers,

it's not those twats who go round the world for a year after university.

And I kind of calmed down.

I'd love to see the bailiffs going after them.

"No! You'll never take my dream-catcher away from me!"

It's not a dream-catcher, it's string.

It's a shockingly disappointing gap year, though,

-if you end up in Basildon, isn't it?

-Basildon, yes.

It depends where you start, I suppose.

That's why the people of Basildon are so upset -

they're just sick and tired of these posh people moving into the area.

Who else has come out in support of them?

Everybody, loads of people. When I first turned the news on, there were two bishops

and an actress turning up to a caravan site.

I was hoping for some low-budget '70s porn.

Didn't turn up.

And then Gloria Hunniford, who it turns out wasn't there in support

of them, she was there for her new show, Wish They Weren't Here.

The arrival of the bailiffs was one of the biggest anti climaxes

I've ever seen.

There was about 30 of them

and they had one 1970's loud-hailer between them.

And the lead bailiff went, "Is there anything...?

"Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"

And there was like a Life Of Brian pause and one of them went,

"Speak up."

He went, "Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?"

Then there was another pause and someone went, "Fuck off!"

-It was amazing.

-No, but you could hear the woman, she went,

"I'll put a curse on you, I'll put a curse."

They're always giving it the curse thing, aren't they?

The minute it kicks off - "I'll put a curse on you."

"I saw you coming through my crystal ball, so I did."

Now everybody watching this has got their remote control going,

"There's something wrong with the sound. I've no idea."

The first subject is,

Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show.

The suspect has got a gun! But it's OK, Gazza's arrived

and he's brought chicken and a fishing rod.

I'm not doing it.

This is a mid-winter murder, it's freezing, it's not in the contract.

Well, as you can see from the samples we've taken,

that we've scraped from under her fingernails, she was manky.

IN NORTHERN ACCENT: He were a policeman that got hit by a car

and thought that he'd woken up in 1970.

He were wrong, it were present day.

This is CSI Hull.

Sergeant, if you look closely, there are semen stains all over these bed sheets.

Let's book into the Holiday Inn instead.

Inspector, has anyone ever said that you look an awful lot

like David Jason from Only Fools And Horses?

Yes, Miss Marple, we've had the lab results back

and it's very interesting. Actually, it's thrush.

He fits the profile.

This is going to be a really boring episode of Hole In The Wall.

You're probably wondering why I've asked you all to gather here in the library.

Sorry? (Sorry.)

-IN HUSHED TONES:

-You're probably wondering why I've asked you to gather in the library.

"It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds."

"Have you any idea why he was killed?"

"It's the TV presenter Noel Edmonds!"

Ken Stott is Detective Inspector David Sod in Sod's Law.

Well, we know now who's responsible for the killing. It's society, yeah?

Yeah, you want to think about that, hmm?

The body is that of Eamonn Holmes.

We may need a little more chalk.

OK, the nest topic is, Unlikely Things To Hear In A Police Station.

'Ere, Sarge, the microwave's broken again,

taser that meat pie for me, will you?

I know it's unlikely,

but I don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they?

I noticed the burglar making his escape.

At this moment, I cursed the police cut-backs

and gave chase shouting...

HE DOES IMPRESSION OF A SIREN

All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio,

registration number Saffron, Doily, 22, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya!

No, we didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge,

but the good news is, I got some lucky heather.

No, I've not come to report a crime, it's just that

I really miss The Bill, so I thought I'd pop in for an hour.

'Ere, Sarge, pass us the art section out of the Guardian, will you, mate?

Right, listen up, we've got a new man starting. He's half man, half horse.

It's Inspector Morse.

Ah, yes, our new 50-inch plasma screen TV.

It is rather nice, isn't it?

Well, if you can't beat 'em, eh?

I am charging you with the murder of Mrs Thompson.

That'll be £7.19, please.

Right, listen up, there's a giant fly attacking the station.

I've called the SWAT team.

Thank God you've arrived, officer,

some bloke just jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times.

I was about to arrest her, Sarge, but, to be honest, my bottle went

because she shouted out, "I'll put a curse upon you, I'll put a curse upon you!"

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