Episode 1 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain, and joining me are Andy Parsons,

Seann Walsh and Greg Davies,

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with Headliners. Here's a recent picture

of FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

But what does BSIP stand for?

Is it Bean Sprouts In Package?

Is it...

Blatter Steals Idiot's Pizza?

Is it Bull Shitter Is President?

Is it Beckhamth's Spelling is Phunny?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Does he actually have that pronounced a lisp, does he?

No, he doesn't.

Is it the new cough medicine that Beckham's launching?

It's called Becksip.

On the advert he goes, "Well, you know, at the end of the day,

"if you've got the flu, you know, you take Becksip and, at the end

"of the day, you take one in the morning and then once at the end of the day, at the end of the day."

Can I just say, he's got a bit of a lisp.

You can tell that Beckham thinks something is wrong.

If you look at the picture, he's going, "Ey?"

There's an A coming out of his mouth. Ey?

Ey?

It's not Biscuit Selection Impresses President, is it?

I can't get away from the fact

that Sepp Blatter sounds like 'set platter'.

What it actually sounds like is a German man saying, "Step ladder."

IN GERMAN ACCENT: "Yes, zat building is on fire, I'll get a Sepp Blatter."

APPLAUSE

"All we need is a Sepp Blatter."

Is it quite a small building? Firemen have a step ladder?

"Oh, well, turns out this was the wrong thing to bring to the World Trade Center.

-"It's considerably higher than we'd imagined."

-Anyone got the correct answer?

-Blatter Stays In Power.

-Very good. Well done, Chris.

APPLAUSE

Yes. The answer I was looking for was Blatter Stays In Power.

This is the news that Switzerland's Sepp Blatter has retained

the presidency following an election in which he was the only candidate.

The election went ahead despite calls from the English Football Association to postpone it

following months of controversy for FIFA, in relation to allegations of corruption and bribery.

This, by the way, is the ballot slip that was used in the election.

-Is that a mock up from The Sun?

-That was taken over someone's shoulder.

Looks weirdly like Facebook. Dislike!

People will go, "I've never heard of Joseph, who's Joseph?

"I've heard of Sepp, he's a friend of mine."

The German candidate going, "Well, I was voting for Step Ladder."

"That name is very high on that bit of paper. I may need a Sepp Blatter."

You're going to keep going back to that one again, are you?

I'm afraid I vill, at various points during ze show.

-So, who backed England's call to postpone the election?

-Prince William.

-He did, yes.

Prince William was there, he was basically saying, wasn't he, that they should postpone the election.

And you're thinking, "They've got somebody who's a member of a family that have basically run

"this country for centuries by divine right, telling other people

"about proper democratic accountability."

APPLAUSE

After that lovely wedding! How dare you turn on him

-after that delightful morning they gave you?

-Who was our delegation?

Beckham, Prince William and Cameron. They are all loaded.

Surely they could have just done what every other country did,

put their hand in their pocket and got us the World Cup.

I think it was supposed to impress people - "We have brought Prince William".

How was that going to impress someone from, like, Qatar?

"I am Prince William." "I am also a prince. So is my brother, and my dog, and my granny."

-"We're all princes here."

-The FA are talking about withdrawing from FIFA.

But that means they would just be called FI.

Every time they announced a meeting, they would think a big giant was coming.

It's very difficult to tell whether it is bribery or not, I think.

You don't quite know in organisations like that.

But what Sepp Blatter said, when he was accused of it and when he was making that speech in Geneva,

he said, "Our pyramid is shaking and our ship is taking on water."

And you think, "They've got a pyramid and a ship, where did they come from?"

LAUGHTER

Did the Egyptian delegate go, "Shut up about the pyramids!"

The other reason I haven't been too worried about the news coverage,

apart from the fact that Sepp Blatter sounds like Step Ladder, is because...

during the coverage they kept going on about the Qatari representative, Bin Hammam.

Every time I heard that I thought, "A bit of Benylin will sort that out."

-Every time, I said that to myself.

-Did you?

-Yes.

"Oh, the medicine is in a high cabinet. I will have to get a..." LAUGHTER

"..Step Ladder."

I think the Qataris sound like something out of Doctor Who anyway.

I'm a Qatari!

We are a proud warrior nation!

He suggested that they now need an ethics committee.

And he's appointed to the ethics committee Henry Kissinger, an 88-year-old war criminal.

That's who you want on an ethics committee! Who else has he got in mind? Abu Hamza,

the Child Catcher off Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the producers of Britain's Got Talent.

Why do they want Kim Basinger to be in FIFA?

I still can't work that out... Did you say that Kim Basinger is going to be head of FIFA?

That's exactly what I said, I said, "Kim Basinger is going to be head of FIFA.

Just after I said, "You need to get a hair cut, it's right in front of your ears."

LAUGHTER

Also, you don't want the World Cup in the Middle East.

If any match goes to sudden death, that's just tempting fate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What could the Liberal Democrats lose in the next general election?

Up to a quarter of their seats, apparently.

Yes. How would they lose a quarter?

Apart from the 75% of their seats they'll lose due to their unpopularity,

-but the other quarter, how are they going to lose them?

-Boundary changes.

It's like you're selling it to me. Boundary changes.

More boundary changes than you could possibly imagine.

Boundary changes, moonlight, good times and boogie.

How are they going to decide which 50 MPs to get rid of? Laser Quest!

Or...release a lion into the House of Commons

and wait until it's had enough and hope it doesn't go for Eric Pickles first.

Then there'll be only 640.

"I couldn't eat another MP, I'm absolutely...

"Does anyone want this leg?"

Labour have said it's going to lead to more safe Tory seats.

Of course, not as much as there are safe Tory seats now because of the way the Lib Dems are going.

Nothing could get worse for Nick Clegg at the moment.

His reputation could go no further.

If he got his knob out at the Royal Wedding, his popularity would only have increased.

Only if you found out that his charming Spanish wife sold salad,

would his popularity have been any lower.

I think if two Labour MPs find themselves against each other,

they should combine like the Transformers

to create one super MP and destroy all of the Liberals forever.

-There's something in that plan.

-LAUGHTER

It may need slightly more working out than that, though.

It's the one-year anniversary of the coalition at this point.

I bet David forgot.

I bet Nick was ringing him up going, "So, where are you taking me?"

We know where he's taking you.

And how roughly.

-I agree.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

Cameron constantly going on about the strength of the union and how strong they are.

I think they should be made to kiss in public.

That's what we used to do at primary school if people said they liked each other, we made them kiss.

Was this during your career as a pupil, or your later career as a teacher?

-It was in prison.

-WILD LAUGHTER

And the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we play a round called There's No Super Injunction On Our Ryan Gags.

-LAUGHTER

-This game involves Greg, Milton and Seann.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers will step forward and talk about the subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. Here we go.

The first subject is...

..trust. Who wants to come in on that? Seann.

I get guilty when I'm with a friend and he loses money in his house.

This happened to me recently, my friend lost a fiver. I thought,

"Does he think I've taken his fiver? Is this what's happening?"

I want to say I haven't taken it, but I don't want him to think that I'm guilty.

I start thinking, "HAVE I taken his fiver?

"Maybe I've taken his fiver." "Maybe I've put his fiver in my pocket."

I want to check my pocket. I can't check my pocket.

If he sees me checking my pocket he'll think I've nicked his fiver.

I want to go and hide and check my pocket.

I can't hide and check my pocket, if I hide and check my pocket, he's definitely going to think

I nicked his fiver. So I went into the bathroom, I found his fiver.

I couldn't go and give it to him. It would've looked like I got guilty and decided to give it back.

I can't just leave it there. He's seen me go in.

It's going to look like I planted it. So I just nicked it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's spin the wheel again.

The subject is family. Who wants to come in on that? Greg.

All of my family are obsessed by the ageing process.

Every single generation of us are obsessed with it at the moment.

I'll just share this with you before I talk about other family members, so I can get it off my chest.

I was visiting my parents last week and an old family friend came up

to us in the street and said to my mum, "Hello, Pauline, how are you?"

She said, "I'm all right, thanks, Cath, how are you?"

And she looked up at me and said, "Hello, Bob. How are you?"

Bob is my dad!

He is 75 years of age!

All of us are obsessed with aging in our family, even my nan.

My nan is doing her best to hold off the years.

She puts her pound of face cream on every single morning.

There's not a face cream on the market that works, ladies and gentlemen.

I know that because of my nan - she's a lovely woman, but she's religiously applied

this stuff and with the best will in the world, her face is ruined.

I said to her, "You've spent all that time and money, Gran, and your face is no better than Grandad's.

"And he's dead.

"He died in the war.

"He got shot in the face."

"With a cannon."

APPLAUSE

OK. That leaves you with Milton. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And the subject is travel.

When I was young and my mum used to put food on the spoon and say,

"There's a train coming, there's a train coming!"

We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't, she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Tried to get here by train today.

They said, "Today there's a bus replacement service."

So I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.

They said, "What's that?" I said, "That's my money replacement service."

APPLAUSE

I didn't have any money because a friend nicked my fiver.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, that doesn't normally work.

Anyway, I managed to borrow a car and I parked it up in Bus Lane.

Last year, I went on a ballooning holiday.

Put on four stone.

The other day, I bought one of those off road vehicles. 3,000 quid.

Got it home, found out it was a canoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Milton Jones.

Come on back.

Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.

-Seann, which category would you like?

-Can I go for Sport?

OK, Sport it is. The answer is 500 million. What is the question?

Is it the amount of times that Ryan Giggs has got home late and said, "Ah, extra football training."

Is it: How many doors do a Jehovah's Witness have to knock on before someone lets them in?

Is it: How many times does Cheryl Cole have to repeat a sentence

before the American public will understand?

Is it: How many tiny farmers with their tiny ploughs does it take to make a field of corduroy?

Is it: How many times Wayne Rooney would have to play a monkey at Connect Four before he won?

Is it: How many lines would you get if you shagged the headmaster's wife?

Is it: If you took the entrails from every adult in the United Kingdom and laid them all out end to end,

how many years in prison would you get?

Is it: How many times do we have to bomb Gaddafi's house before

NATO admit that we're actually trying to kill him?

Is it: How many bumps will Stonehenge get on its next birthday?

Is it: How many miles I would run to punch Justin Bieber in the face?

Is it what rhymes with shmive hundred smillion?

If that's what we're doing, then can I have the correct answer, please?

Is that the end of the round, then?

That's definitely a sign of either the end of the round or the end of days.

Is it the amount of money they're hoping to earn from selling Olympic tickets?

That's close enough. Well done, Andy Parsons.

Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much

does the organising committee of the London Olympics hope to raise from ticket sales for next year's Games?

This follows from the revelation that 900,000 people missed out

on Olympic tickets in the recent application process.

There were 20 million requests for 6.6 million seats.

-Who has got tickets?

-Me.

-You got tickets?

-Yeah.

Hang on, have you got no tickets?

I've got very little and I'm furious. It was a farce, wasn't it?

No!

They basically said, "We'll take money out of your account

"and tell you in three weeks' time what you may or may not have got."

It's like being organised by the Bank of Nigeria.

Congratulations, you've won tickets for the Olympics.

Just fax 2,000 quid to this random number.

And then collect your 400 tickets for the volleyball qualifiers.

My wife wanted to go and see the shooting.

I'm not paying 80 quid to see shooting in east London.

You can see that for free!

I think anybody who hasn't got tickets, don't worry too much.

Let's face it, the general feeling is that the transport system will still be muck, there'll be massive queues

to get in, it'll be a fiver a pint, the burgers will be half cooked, you'll have people with fat thighs

sat either side of you and a really tall bloke in front of you with a kid with ADHD.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be fair, though, to be fair,

that's what they're selling, an experience you'll never forget.

I'm very lucky, I'm going to the swimming baths to see

the 400-metre butterfly and I can't wait to see an insect that big.

APPLAUSE

OK, which famous Londoner missed out on tickets to the Games?

-Jack the Ripper.

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

-No, another more famous Londoner than that.

-Dick Van Dyke.

-Not Dick Van Dyke!

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: I can't believe it! I put down for loads of 'em!

Cor blimey, Mary!

Which Londoner famously missed out on tickets?

Boris Johnson didn't get any tickets

and he's obviously not very confident, is he?

That's Boris Johnson about to do a knife attack!

Have you seen John Prescott's offer

to the people who didn't get tickets?

He put a Tweet out saying, "If you've missed out on tickets to the Olympic Games,

"the East Hull Olympic Games start today in the park near my constituency."

It's of saying, "Can't afford the opera?

"There's a tramp at the bottom of my road. He whistles My Way."

Greg, why are you following John Prescott on Twitter?

Private reasons.

HE MOUTHS

Let me ask you, what's the first taste of Olympic fever that we're going to get?

We're basically going to have the Olympic flame, which is apparently going to go round the country,

including six of our islands, including Guernsey, Jersey and the Orkneys,

and that's of course if when it goes to the Orkneys they don't keep

whoever takes it there and worship them as a God.

Some former Olympic athletes are going to be taking the torch round.

You know that all round the country, street cleaners along the route

are going, "Please not Paula Radcliffe, please not Paula Radcliffe."

I go to East London quite a lot. When it gets there, it's just going to be stopped every five seconds

with people just going, "I couldn't borrow your lighter, could I?"

The torch has to be guarded by the police. What's being offered to them

for guarding the Olympic torch on this 8,000-mile journey?

-Counselling?

-Counselling.

To help them get back into the proper world at the end of it.

Actually, they need counselling before they start, if you're going to run for 70 days behind a flame.

Do you think they're going to have some sort of moth syndrome,

if they've been running behind a blame for last 70 days?!

Just constantly...

jumping at the moon! Argh!

For God's sake, don't put him on the night shift again, it was a disaster last night!

Jumping over walls to get to people's barbecues and just staring at it.

I worship the flame now.

The flame is my God now.

SOME APPLAUSE

-Moving on...

-LAUGHTER

What did Wayne Rooney admit on Twitter this week?

-He's admitted to having a hair transplant.

-Yes, he has, yes.

Cos the said he was being teased by his team mates.

And you're thinking, his team mates call him Shrek!

That has got very little to do with his hair and a lot to do with his ears and his nose and his face!

Is he going to have them transplanted as well?

I mean, the best thing he can hope for is still being teased by his team mates, but being called hairy Shrek.

He Tweeted, "It's still a bit bruised and swollen.

"When it dies down, you'll be the first to see it."

Apparently, he was just re Tweeting Ryan Giggs.

Is it standard when you have a hair transplant to have a zip put on the front?

-What's that zip for?

-To keep his pyjamas in.

Oh, it's time for bed!

My uncle had a hair transplant and he just got great big floppy ears, but he could run fast.

You've really got to trust the surgeon, haven't you?

Isn't it that he takes hair from places that you've got lots and he puts them in places where you...

I don't think it's just free rein to go anywhere at all.

What if he did? What if he did? He could end up looking like a scourer.

It's a Scouser.

I'm going a bit here, I think, let's be honest, I was at one point...

Don't talk to me with your "I'm going a bit here!"

Dara, I've been putting a bit on here as well. I'm going a bit at the seams, Dara.

Apparently two out of three men will suffer from male pattern baldness, where obviously you start losing it

on the top and then it starts coming out of your ears.

And you're thinking, "That's not much of a pattern, is it?"

There's nothing worse than when the barber discreetly does your ears,

first time he does that. After that, you're OK, your dignity'll take it.

But he goes "vvvp", and does "vvvp", there you go.

There's suddenly a really loud "vvvp" and you think, "What?!"

You get a breeze blowing into your ear just for a second.

What, what was that? Vvvp!

Let's never talk of it again.

I had a haircut in Turkey and they set fire to my ear hair.

Oh, yeah, where they light the... Not the entire thing, just they...

Just, bouff!

Paraffin oil...

Ha ha ha ha! Wa ha ha ha!

Welcome, thank you for coming to crazy Omar's barbershop!

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE CONINUES

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everybone

could make their way over to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with. Here we go.

The first subject is...

Things you wouldn't hear at a school assembly.

OK, today we're going to have a special outing.

So, Miss Williams, if you'd like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.

We welcome a new member of staff today.

He has no arms and no legs and no body and we will call him the head.

Would whoever's milk shake is bringing all the boys to the yard please stop it?

I'm sorry to keep you waiting, boys and girls, I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.

If you're found in possession of cocaine, you'll be given 100 lines.

No, wait...

And today in the after school club, we're going to be using papier mache to make a mother

that actually loves you enough to pick you up at three o'clock.

I'm pleased to say that during the holidays, Mr Wan married Miss Ker.

His nickname will remain the same.

A wise man once said, "Boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfil your dreams."

Generally, that's true. Not for you though, Tom. You can't read. So...

And today, everyone, we have a new boy.

Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools, so be kind to him.

Will you please make you way to the front, Richard Poo Willy.

A word about registers - most of the staff are on one.

So that is how you put on a condom.

But Sir, shouldn't you have used a cucumber?

Not with that E coli kicking around.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late. I just had a bit of a run in with an interactive white board. It told me to fuck off.

I've had all your mums.

OK.

The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show.

Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a Sepp Blatter.

You're right.

I CAN'T sing. Thanks!

I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine,

who was run over last week in hospital.

# The wheels of the bus go round and round

# Round and round, round and round. #

I've got an ability that no-one on this planet has.

That's Ant, that's Dec.

It was like Elvis was in the building.

You're fat and there's a stench of death.

Peter, it's not what everyone will call entertainment, but YOU are one hell of an assassin!

I thought you hit the high notes really, really well.

Be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.

Hello.

Where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here.

# Feelings

# Nothing more than feelings

# Trying to... #

When you said you were going to ride a donkey...

Yes, I have been on the show before.

I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants going...

-HE SINGS

-Feelings.

That was an exceptional performance

and the way that you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational.

But this is a chip shop. The X Factor auditions are next door.

I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're all terrible, OK?

You're all completely dreadful. I don't know what you're doing,

especially you, Hasselhoff, what have you done since Baywatch?

And, as well as that, I can unzip the top of my head.

It's where I keep my pyjamas.

I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!

OK, at the end of that, the points go to Andy, Seann and Greg!

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Seann Walsh and Greg Davies.

Thanks for watching. I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

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