Episode 13 Mock the Week

-Brussels sprouts, where do they come from?

-Brussels sprouts?

Well, my arse mainly.

LAUGHTER

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Welcome to the Christmas special.

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

# ..Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it

# Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# ..Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the world News of the world. #

Hello and welcome to a very special, festive edition of Mock The Week.

You know, around this time of year

I like to look back at all the great things we accomplished during the series.

There's certainly a lot of great memories -

inventing Monsoon Poultry Hospital,

turning Andy Murray into a world beater,

discovering that I look quite a lot like a penis sausage.

These are great, great times. In fact this year's been so good, as a Christmas bonus,

we're going to give you two shows rolled into one.

They'll be the usual mix of out-takes, unseen material and favourite moments,

followed by the very best Christmas clips from years gone by.

I hope you enjoy it.

APPLAUSE

Why will Sir Ranulph Fiennes not be at home for Christmas?

He'll be dead.

He's dead in the snow.

Like that.

That's why.

Why...? Surely you'd freeze like that.

Why is it people always freeze...

like that.

He's walking across the, er... the South Pole.

For Christmas.

-For Christmas.

-I love that song.

# Walking across the South Pole for Christmas... #

-Chris Rea's best work.

-# ..I'm gonna lose my upper limbs... #

They reckon for Ranulph Fiennes...

They reckon it's going to be minus 90 at some point.

Minus 90.

A popularity rating Nick Clegg would kill for.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He said it's the most hostile environment on Earth,

but he's clearly never been in a Wetherspoons at breakfast time.

It was his partner that came up with the idea, isn't it?

It wasn't him that came up with the idea,

and his partner's not going, which I love.

"Yeah, we're going to go across the South Pole at winter. You coming?"

"Naaaah...

"You go. I'll watch from here."

His partner said it's cos he would miss out on his pension.

-You what?

-That is the worst excuse I've ever heard.

Hang on, who would miss out? Oh, the partner isn't going because he'd miss out?

Yeah, he said it'd affect his pension. Mainly because he'd die, I imagine.

-Well, he was 65, wasn't he?

-Hang on, his pension?

Is he...

-His partner's pension.

-Well, I read this.

-Is he gay?

-No.

-What?

-No, no, no! His travel partner.

Oh, his travel... Oh, God, I thought I'd missed a big story along the way about Ranulph Fiennes.

"We're going to go across the Arctic at night,

"and we are going to look amazing...

"No-one's going to be able to see us!"

That's not fur for warmth, that's just a big headdress like in the Village People.

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

He's done everything, Ranulph Fiennes. He's climbed Everest, he's been over both of the poles,

he's found the Lost City of Iram,

he's taken an expedition up the White Nile...

You can't help thinking,

"Is everything all right at home?"

LAUGHTER

"What are you running from, Ranulph?

"What are you running away from?"

He took...on that expedition where he sawed his fingers off,

that was with a saw that apparently he'd taken

in case he needed to saw his fingers off.

That is pessimism, isn't it?

The best thing is now you can actually get that as an app.

I was actually... I was in Siberia not that long ago,

minus 52 degrees, right?

And it was so cold, we were told, we were in a tent,

if we went outside for a piss, right,

-we had to shake as we pissed, cos otherwise it was going to freeze back...

-Oh, God!

..onto our penis, right?

I'll tell you, that was a hell of a quick piss.

Nothing frightens you more than you thinking you might get frostbite of the penis.

Which was when I was quite grateful I've still got a foreskin,

cos I figured if I did, I'd still have a little bit to lose, and it wouldn't actually matter.

APPLAUSE

It'd be quite a thing.

Just to come out of a tent in the morning,

and see like a sculpture of kind of half arcs of piss.

Quite dangerous - "Argh!

"Andy, why don't you go further away from the tent?!"

Yes, it's Christmas time and we hope you're all enjoying the season at home as much as we are here.

In October. But now...

In the past, people have said we don't try hard enough to be festive on this show,

so this year we're going the extra mile. We've decided to buy each other Christmas presents.

So let's see what everyone got. Chris, I'm going to go to you first.

OK, um...yeah.

Well, my first present is for...I've bought everybody a bit of headgear.

-That's for Hugh.

-Have I got to put it on?

-Yeah, you've got to put it on, yeah.

-That'd be nice.

-It's Christmas Day, you've got to do that, haven't you?

Because Hugh is our captain, Dara...

The middle section denotes captaincy, he's the captain...

No captaincies, no seniority, no points.

-I'm also going to be in fantasy... whatsit... What's it called?

-It's called The Love Boat.

Looks more like a remake of the Village People at the moment.

For Andy...

Andy, I got a... I know what it's like going out in public with people hassling you and stuff,

-I bought Andy a...

-Were you having a look at my present there?

-I was, yeah!

I've got Andy a disguise so he can disguise himself so nobody will know it's Andy.

LAUGHTER

Nobody will be able to tell it's him.

Yeah.

And for Dara, I just got a lovely hat.

-Aah.

-For him to wear. It's a lovely hat.

It's a normal sized hat for a normal sized head. Completely normal sized hat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In other news, what is going on here?

Aah...

Is Andy Murray stupidly about to post his gold medals?

LAUGHTER

-Where is Andy Murray?

-Andy Murray is in Dunblane in Scotland.

This is his homecoming after winning the US Open,

which was a surprise to me as I had no idea he played golf.

LAUGHTER

-Andy Murray, a man who actually came along to our studios, didn't he?

-Yes, indeed he did.

-Came along after he'd lost Wimbledon...

-Yeah.

And then after we'd all taken the piss out of him,

-he went off and he won the Olympics, and he won the US Open!

-Yes.

I think all sportspeople who are struggling should come into the audience of the show.

Let's get Paula Radcliffe, Phillips Idowu, Nick Clegg...

LAUGHTER

It'd be brilliant, wouldn't it?

They had one of those golden letterboxes in Dunblane,

but being Scotland, they didn't paint it, they just covered it in batter.

LAUGHTER

That's dangerous, there are a lot of teeth missing now.

"What the shite is this?!"

This is a good time, if we can keep that picture up,

it's a good time to get my only contribution to this bit in,

cos I'm an adult, I'm 44 years of age.

His head's the same width as his neck, weird.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I think my work here is done.

How do you think that woman - the one to his right -

how do you think she feels about being dressed as a postbox?

Off the top of my head...

I'm glad Scotland have got a new hero cos, look, far left,

Rod Stewart's let himself go, hasn't he?

Boom! Boom!

Our next round is called News Reel. We play in a recent piece of footage

featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the royal family.

MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Thank God that's over. What a terrible way

"to spend Christmas. Let's pop back to the palace. Oh, God, no..."

POSH ACCENT: "I don't know if Your Majesty is staying

"for Christmas lunch, but if so, here's the menu.

"May I recommend the chicken nuggets on page four."

MIMICKING THE QUEEN: "No, I'm afraid not. We're going back to the palace

"for a turkey Pot Noodle."

MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Well done, Liz... Oh, God, look

"he's brought me a bloody wine list! I don't want wine!

"I'm brimful of sherry. In fact, I'm bursting for a piss.

"Oh, there's no escape, Liz.

"Did you say the Pot Noodle was turkey? I'd have preferred osprey.

"I'm no expert, but that looks, to me, far too small

"and it's full of holes. You could strain the sprouts with that."

POSH ACCENT: "The real one, Your Highness, is much bigger

"and solid, it is."

MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Is it? How interesting. Yes."

POSH ACCENT: "Would Your Majesty care to look at the keel?"

MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Yes... Is there lavatory on here?

"I'm somewhat brimful of eggnog. Right up to the Plimsoll line.

"Ooh! Who's up there?

"Oh, damn protestors.

"I wish I'd brought my gun.

"They didn't do that, did they?

"Look, I'm not sure I can hold on much longer.

"There must be... Excuse me, is there a lavatory on board this boat?

"It's just that, in a moment, I'm going to have to go over the side."

MIMICKING THE QUEEN: "The photo? Yes, I used a very long lens."

MIMICKING PRINCE PHILIP: "Is there a lavatory down here or is it up there?

"There must be a lavatory somewhere! Oh, perhaps it's in there. Yes.

"Out of my way, man! I need to use the yellow pressure washer.

"In we go. That's it. I'm off.

"That's it. Hang on. Oooh, that's better.

"Oooh, that's better.

"# Oh, life on the ocean wave... #

"Ah, got there just in time, Liz. New record as well.

"I was in there for 20 minutes.

"I'm not sure it actually was a lavatory, but anyway

"I started so I finished.

"What? Oh, look at them, yes. Hello."

"Tossers. Anyway, I hate protestors.

"Can't... I tell you what, I think one of them may have superglued

"my hand into my pocket.

"I can't get my hand out of my pocket.

"I...I can't move... My hand won't come out.

"Merry Christmas."

Well done, Hugh Dennis.

Actually, Dara, I got you a present cos, er, you're the main man.

You take a lot of abuse.

Erm, I hope you don't feel patronised, but it's Angela's Ashes.

It's about growing up in Ireland and, er...

Thank you very much.

I'm glad you cleared your cocaine out of the book.

Who are arming themselves with rifles and pots of Nutella?

Is it the Loose Women?

They're not Loose Women.

It's the people that are killing the badgers.

I sounded more sad than I was about that.

You made it sound like the most...

"It's the people who are killing the badgers. Why, Mummy?

"Why, Mummy, are the people killing the badgers?

-It's OK.

-Why won't somebody check on the badgers?

It's the people killing the badgers

because apparently badgers give cows TB.

Cows, badgers. Badgers, Cows.

That may be too black-and-white.

Hugh Dennis!

He says black-and-white now, it'll be black-and-white and red all over.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Perfect.

OK, is that a grown because of the pun or the poor badgers?

I can't work your moods out.

Sorry.

-Brian May, he's against the badger cull.

-He's against the badger cull.

And you can see why, can't you? He's only got to walk through

the countryside without somebody trying to shoot his hair off.

-What's the name of his organisation?

-Queen.

No!

His organisation is called?

-Team Badger.

-It's called Team Badger, whose initials spell TB.

-He's not thought it through.

-The reason he's protecting badgers is, judging by that picture,

he owns the world's largest badger.

What a badger it is! That is like a badger of destiny.

That badger, he goes, "I'm above such tiny considerations.

"I see far into the future.

"I see a land where badgers and man can finally..."

He also seems, in that photo, to be on a Zimmer frame.

So it's really not looking good for Brian.

You know what's weird or wrong about this story,

is the fact that, to attract the badgers out so they can shoot them,

they are attract them out with Nutella and peanut butter

which must be really difficult for people who live locally

who want to live healthily.

They go to the doctor, the doctor tells them to go on a diet, go for a walk,

they go for a nice walk and the fields are full of Nutella.

They're not going to get any exercise at all, are they?

The only exercise they'll get is licking the grass.

Do you find Nutella to be so compelling a dish

that smeared on some grass in a field you would go,

"Mmm, lovely, snack time."

It would look like something else smeared on the grass in a field.

You're very much taking your chances there, aren't you?

"Dung again? One day I'll get there."

What about the badgers that don't come out and are waiting for the toast?

It is a lot of spread, isn't it?

They want to kill 3,000, don't they?

I was just wondering what they were going to do with them afterwards

because I'm a, sort of, part time taxidermist...

and I really fancy having a badger army.

I would love to think of you, Joe, buried with your badger army.

Just your coffin in the middle and radiating outwards,

a badger army in separate poses ready to attack at different points.

Just you embalmed in Nutella.

Yes.

If you cull too many badgers, you just force them underground anyway.

-What celebrities have stepped into it?

-Clarissa Dickson Wright.

Clarissa Dickson Wright stepped in. Do you know what she said?

She said...

HE MUMBLES MOCKINGLY

..gas mark four.

Yes, yes, very good.

I've got a present for you. It hasn't been wrapped.

-That's all right.

-I'm really sorry. It is socks.

I know that's boring, but they're not ordinary socks,

they're DVT socks...

..because I'm very worried about how little you move around...

Normally you'd have to worry about it on a long haul flight,

but I haven't seen you walk for... Well, since 2005.

I've also got a present for Chris, here.

It's really a present for us, more than anything.

It's just a game, really. You put that on.

He just puts that on, OK.

And then for a long period...

-ANDY:

-You so look like John McEnroe!

SPEECH COVERED BY LAUGHTER

You want me... You do.

And, erm, long periods of the show when Dara doesn't bother to look at us or

talk to us, we can just play.

DEADPAN: This is the best Christmas ever.

It looks like a Dire Straits video gone wrong.

You go. Ooh!

I don't see what the pr... Oh, no.

This is just like my school days, only now I'm wearing a hat.

No.

APPLAUSE

Why was a Preston to London Megabus

stopped by the police on the motorway this week?

Just the usual reasons.

This was the story where a passenger reported

seeing some smoke coming out of some other passenger's bag,

thought it was a bomb, turned out it was a fake cigarette

that was producing water vapour.

Now, let's face it, if you've been pulled over, loads of police

have arrived, you've got guns in your face, your being accused of being a terrorist,

that's not going to help you give up smoking, is it?

I've always been freaked out by Megabus.

Is it not the weirdest thing in the world?

Nothing against the bus service itself,

but when you drive a lot on the motorway,

the back of the Megabus, when you're driving, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure...

There's times you just get hypnotised by that weird...

The main things I've observed,

firstly, why does that man have such large breasts?

I was staring at that man's breast going what kind of...

Where can you go for one pound?

I think you would have to contact Megabus.

-There's an address.

-Why do they have to put, "Plus 50p booking fee"?

As if people are going to go, "Well that's a rip-off."

"I walked in here with this in my hand

"expecting to be transported to a faraway land.

"then I find you want more money off me?

"Screw you, Megabus man."

Yellow man with enormous bazongas

looks disappointed behind the counter.

"Oooh."

That is...

APPLAUSE

I apologise. I know that when you're disappointed you don't go,

"I am disappointed."

Do you know what's really irritating with this?

in my ear constantly people are going, "Wear the hat! Wear the hat."

-You've got a hat?

-Yeah, they gave me a yellow hat

because they think I look like the Megabus man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That means that that man looks like a penis sausage.

They should call it penissausage.com.

Oh, something else is called penissausage.con.

You're just making this up to get everybody to forget that you look like a penis sausage.

You just look like a penis sausage in a yellow hat.

Oh, no!

I've lost ownership of the joke now.

Somebody's got another new Twitter avatar.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you what,

I know you've probably got one decent round of applause left in you

or we may have bled it out, but I really would like to open

the Christmas thing to people going, "Oh, holy fuck."

How unpopular is Clegg at the moment?

Oh, man, is he ever unpopular? Sure thing.

How many Nick Cleggs does it take to change a light bulb?

Who's Nick Clegg?

That's how popular he is.

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-Nick Clegg.

-Nick Clegg who?

That's showbiz.

If my surname was Delaney, I'd name my son, Little Boy Who Lived Down.

I have to say, it's quite depressing that you've got a better joke about my name than I've ever come across.

After beautifully hitting that high nope... Nope?

-Hang on.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Easy, Tiger.

-You thought that was it?

-Yeah.

I don't really understand your humour.

And after beautifully hitting that high note,

look at the big smile on Posh Spice.

You were right.

-OK, you ready?

-Yes.

Would you do it... Are you going to do it...?

No, I'm not going to do it like that.

-SLURRED:

-It's all right, just wanted a bit more coffee.

No, leave it there!

-OK, stand by.

-OK.

-Did you enjoy the Olympic Games?

-SLURRED:

-I did!

OK, we need you to walk in again because, apparently, Alan, Andy

and Andi, your walking in was shit.

Who are these two and why are they in the news this week?

"Who are these two"?

It is quite beginner, that, sorry. I'll do that again.

Who are these two?

I don't know, Dara. They look like nice man.

Who are they?

# Like my head...

# ..around my hat...

# I will wear the... #

FOLK SING OVER EACH OTHER

# Why will he not die? Skywalker... #

# Go home and die... #

Why wasn't there any of that at the Olympic opening ceremony?

-Irish rebel songs?

-Yes. They weren't all Irish.

It'd be really weird if they opened

and a man going, # England has stolen our land. #

Our next round is called Newsreel. We play in a...

Could you shut the fuck up?

BUZZER

Was that for me?

-No, it wasn't, it was the end of his.

-Oh, sorry.

I'll let you get to the fucking mic and then I'll buzz.

BUZZER

This is the news that Ed Miliband has launched a campaign to make himself

better known to voters, embracing his geek image and comprehensive school education.

Is this going to make him more appealing?

-No.

-OK.

You know what will make him more appealing?

Standing him next to a big pile of shit.

Aye, yeah, we're having fun, were having fun. It's great.

OK, how is that? I'll just do this. Are you testing it?

Are you liking this? Yeah. Is that all right?

Oh, yeah, too hot for TV.

How's that? Happy Christmas.

This is the DVD your uncle bought you. Yeah.

I was watching the Paralympic sailing

and I thought it was quite boring until I realised

I was actually watching a repeat of Three Men In A Boat.

Boom.

Wow.

-Whose famous face was recently given a makeover?

-Is this the Jesus story?

This is the Jesus story.

This is this Spanish woman who tried to restore this painting

and just ruined it.

-She did. Where was the painting?

-It was in Spain.

-It was in Spain.

Where the Spanish ladies are.

Yes.

And they do dance well.

It was in... (SPANISH ACCENT) ..Zaragoza.

The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.

And the authorities were very cross with her

because the only people who are allowed to touch up

in a Catholic Church are, of course, the priests.

Yes, it was a church, the Sanctuary of Mercy Church near Zaragoza

and there is a century-old...

LAUGHTER

You really brought Spain to life for us there.

You have to make an effort with foreign names. You can't just be zeds...

-And you say "Parie", do you?

-Zaragoza. Zaragoza.

Hhh-Wanker.

-So, anyway...

-SPEAKS IN MEXICAN ACCENT

The worst thing is, I do a Spanish accent

and it goes Mexican incredibly quickly.

-MEXICAN ACCENT:

-The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.

This fresco was incredibly beautiful. They call it el Guapisimo.

Anyway, there was a fresco in a church in Zaragoza.

-Where is the fresco?

-It's in a church in Zaragoza, in a church in Zaragoza,

-in a church in Zaragoza.

-Zaragoza.

-Si.

-How old was it?

-It was a century, 100 years old.

-A whole hundred years?

-A whole hundred years.

-A whole... What a story this is(!)

Somebody has touched up a 100-year-old painting on a wall.

It's been a quiet week. Zaragoza is a very sleepy town.

I think it's much more the case that it was decaying because of where

it had been painted and this is how the fresco looked originally.

This was a photo taken some years ago.

This is the fresco as painted by Elias Garcia Martinez.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Do it. Do it.

This is how it looked just recently,

because the plaster in which it was built had decayed.

This is how it looked now.

A nice old lady, a Zaragozan lady, went in and repainted it.

And this is how it looked when she finished.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I think she's done a great job of it.

"Here's one I sent in earlier."

HUMS: "Left Bank Two"

"Old lady, Zaragoza."

"I am sorry, people of Zaragoza. We cannot return your painting,

"thank you very much for sending it in to Mock The Week's gallery."

Because it's painted on a wall in a church.

She's actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.

She also rounded him of, rounded the whole thing.

She thought she'd done a really good job, though,

because everyone she showed it to went, "Jesus Christ!"

To be completely fair, we don't actually know what Jesus looked like.

He didn't look like that.

-You just assume he looked...

-"Herro!"

-Who knows?

It could be...

"You're stigmatising me!"

This might have been a bit from the Bible...

"I'm Jesus!"

..missing in the Bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job.

At the Last Supper, everybody says, "Have you had any work done, Jesus?"

"No. No."

My furry hat, my furry hat goes all the way around.

She's actually seeing the restorer next week, because she's got to

tell the restorer exactly what materials she used.

And you're thinking all she'll produce is half a potato.

The irony is, she is probably older than the fucking fresco.

I've got you a present, Dara.

It's not for you, it is in fact for your 16-month-old son.

I got him a little outfit and I hope you like it. It's in fact...

It's a toddler Megabus man outfit so he can dress up like his dad.

It was either that or a penis sausage.

Oh, how lovely is that?

What creepy weird kids' clothes shop did you go to to get this tiny

little... "I'm a minstrel from the 19..."?

# Aye, da, da, da... #

-What parent ambition...

-I get you that and I can't believe you throw it back in my face.

I'm not, I'm keeping it, I think it's fantastic. Thank you very much.

-No problem at all.

-It's very touching, I look forward to never seeing any child of mine in this.

They're not getting any of the Megabus empire. That is mi-i-i-ine.

From one pound only. The Megabus empire.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll tell you what, you and Hugh have got

a gay act going strong there.

Look at that.

# He's the captain, I'm the Megabus He's the captain, I'm the Megabus. #

Who rides on whom? Difficult to know.

# He's the captain of the Megabus. #

Wait, this is now my child's hat.

OK, the first subject is...

So now we go back to the kidnap of Louie Spence.

Police are repeating, if you have any leads, please keep them to yourself.

BUZZER

And now, a Crimewatch appeal.

Lend us a tenner, go on.

BUZZER

Don't have nightmares.

In fact, don't go to sleep at all in case somebody breaks in

and murders you.

BUZZER

Police describe the man as looking a bit like a penis,

a bit like a sausage and armed with a buzzer.

BUZZER

A woman appears to have robbed a dairy farm,

making off with a bin bag filled with cottage cheese.

Oh, no, Kim Kardashian's got leggings on.

BUZZER

Do not approach this man. He's a professional counterfeiter.

He even has the certificates to prove it.

BUZZER

And now a new programme. Spring Crimewatch.

This week, a badger attacks the bastard who tried to kill it.

BUZZER

Hello and welcome to Crimewatch.

Here's a crime.

Let's watch.

BUZZER

Police say do not approach this man, he has an iPhone 5

and will not shut up about it.

BUZZER

And we're just getting news that the superglue prankster

is still on the loose.

BUZZER

The case was closed in 1974 and police have never reopened it.

Mainly because they've forgotten the combination.

BUZZER

Police have described the man as being about six foot tall,

curly brown hair, blue shirt, looks a bit gay.

Oh, sh...

BUZZER

Bang on.

Did you see a policeman knock over a newspaper seller?

No, you didn't.

BUZZER

This reconstruction starts with some sad piano music.

Never a good sign, is it?

BUZZER

Have you seen anyone acting suspiciously?

You're probably watching Hollyoaks.

BUZZER

Do you recognise this man?

Neither do be. Oh!

-BUZZER

-Wait.

-I'm not going to be able to protect you.

-Do...

Do you recognise this man?

Neither do we, but he's apparently been on Celebrity Big Brother.

BUZZER I think that was worth it, don't you?

Oh, hello.

-Oh, hello.

-Hello. Didn't I see you on the Tube?

-You did.

You ARE gay, correct.

-HUGH:

-Police have no idea where Mario Balotelli is.

They're working on the theory that he has disappeared up his own arse.

BUZZER

Normally, that's where the Christmas special would end, but not this year. No!

Stay tuned for a look back at some of the funniest moments from -

get this - our previous Christmas specials.

Do you enjoy Christmas, do you like the holiday season?

-Why isn't there any decoration on the set?

-I know.

-It's ridiculous, isn't it?

-Without ANY decoration, boys?

TOOT

Christmas is here.

Nothing... Nothing makes Christmas more than a miserable Scot just going...

TOOT

Do it now. This should be the opening of the Olympic ceremony.

TOOT

-Do you enjoy the Christmas...

-I hate Christmas.

It's like the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan,

except every third person is a woman puking into a handbag.

People queueing to get into Yates's wine lodge. That sums up Christmas.

You're queueing to get into somewhere shit.

Just women who are praying for the invention of the morning after Bacardi Breezer.

You make Christmas specials a lot differently than we do in Australia.

This is most miserable Christmas thing I've ever been involved in.

This is my worst Christmas.

And now we come to our special Christmas quiz.

I ask the panel a series of questions all about the festive

season in the hope of filling FIVE MINUTES that we're trying to

get out of this of our special.

So, teams, here we go. First question,

what Christmas tradition...

Note, there are no buzzers or any points.

This show is not built in any way to accommodate genuine quizzers.

But nonetheless, you can take a turn.

Which Christmas tradition was inaugurated by Sir Henry Cole in 1843?

-Is it the Christmas tree?

-It is not the Christmas tree.

-Arguing with your relatives.

-No, it's not that.

Is it holding mistletoe above your head

and therefore being allowed to sexually harass other people?

It is not that happy tradition.

Is it waking your children early, saying to them,

"Oh, it looks like the sleeping pills have worked. Happy Easter"?

Is it going to church just the once a year, and that's usually at midnight,

after the pubs have closed because you want one more glass of wine?

Man, you really want to be desperate for your wine.

That is something to bring up at an AA meeting. "I sat through God.

-"That's how much I wanted another drink."

-Is it a Christmas stocking?

-No, it's not a Christmas stocking.

-That's a Victorian tradition.

-Were you trying to mime something there for us?

-Christmas carols!

Yes! Well done, Ed Byrne. Points for him. Congratulations.

There are no points!

-I know there are no points.

-You promised there would be no points.

-Name Santa's reindeer. I will take attempts at this.

-Donner and Blitzen.

-Correct.

-Prancer and Vixen.

-That's two each.

-Dasher.

-Yes. 3-2.

-You're doing a duet.

-But not Rudolph. That's a lie.

-What have we had? I've lost...

-Vixen and Prancer, Donna and Blitzen. Dasher, Comet.

-Bashful.

Bashful, Sleepy, Doc.

If one is called Comet, one will be called Currys.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet,

-Vixen, Cupid.

-Cupid!

-Cupid?

-Nobody said Cupid.

What a ridiculous name for a reindeer, Cupid.

They must have teased him, with a name like that.

He must have been the reindeer that they teased.

Reindeer are notoriously shallow, in fairness.

If the story about Rudolph is anything to go by,

reindeer are ridiculously shallow.

They will make fun and slag you off until you get a job with Santa

and then they will all love you.

The last line of that song should be...

"And Rudolph turned around at them

"and said, 'Well, fuck yous, I'm with Santa now.'"

-Merry Christmas, everyone.

-"Why don't you look at my ass for the entire...?

"Why don't we fly around the entire world while you look at my hole?

"It doesn't matter how fast you fly, that's all you're going to see.

"Ho, ho, ho.

"All you're going to see is my hairy reindeer ass

"while we go all around the world. The nose is in the front, bitches.

"The nose is fighting fog, but you're looking at my ass, Cupid.

-"And that's all you're getting."

-Enjoy your reindeer games.

Oh, can we move on?

Oh, sorry, is that not festive enough for this ridiculously contrived...

Sorry, am I not striking the mood in the nation at this stage?

"Look at it, bitches. Look at that ass!"

# I see you, baby, shaking that ass Shaking that ass. #

Ho, ho, ho.

What honour was the actor Nicolas Cage given this year?

Nicolas Cage, right.

He's actually going to be able to turn the Christmas lights on in Bath.

These, by the way, aren't the lights in Bath.

Those are the lights in Dundee.

Somebody actually put a note through his door.

He's got a house in Bath and he has agreed to turn on the lights.

I put a note through Cheryl Cole's door and apparently,

that's a matter for the police.

Not only is it incredible that they've got Nicholas Cage do it,

but there must have been an incredibly uneasy phone call to Barry Chuckle.

"Sorry, Barry, Nicolas Cage is doing it."

Maybe they gave him a part in an action movie

when he knocks out Vin Diesel by turning round quickly with a plank.

Do you know what's really awkward about this story? This is genuinely true.

-Until last week, I was doing it.

-Really?

I was there.

I was there and then from nowhere, Cage has just jumped...

All my relatives are like, "Do you want us to sort him out?"

"No, I don't want you to sort him out."

"We'll go round there and mess him up." "Don't mess him up."

-You were originally up for the part in Face/Off, weren't you?

-I was.

And what's really funny about it is the lady who posted the letter

through the door is the exact lady that went, "Oh, we'd love you to do it. You'd be great!"

And then I read in the paper, without even telling me, "Nicholas..."

You bitch!

About 10 years ago, I switched on the Christmas lights in Kidderminster.

-What?

-What? A, you did it, but B, there are Christmas lights Kidderminster?

-Were you asked to do this?

-Yeah, because we were rude...

"He's found it again! We had Bruce Willis!"

We'd been rude about Kidderminster on television,

got a letter from the Kidderminster tourist board,

saying, "Would you switch on the lights?" You think, "That'd be great. I'd love to do that."

But you don't actually do it, because they give you one of those

enormous pretend switches and you have to go like this on a balcony to

a crowd below and go, I'm going to press the thing now.

And you press it and as you press it, a bloke in a room behind turns on a switch.

-So you're not doing it.

-Hang on a minute, that bloke's going to be me.

I'm going to be the one...

You were asked to do it because you were rude about it?

I was rude about Kidderminster. I also did a joke once about Wolverhampton

and got invited on a tour of Wolverhampton.

I'm thinking bigger than that. If I slag off Jessica Alba, do I get a tour of Jessica Alba?

Apparently, Bristol wanted to have Bruce Willis

switching on their lights but then they remembered that he tends to

get into a lot of trouble around Christmas time.

OK, do you know what story struck me during the week? You may not have seen this.

There was a story in Ireland, the Evening Herald in Dublin last week.

It's quite moving story about Alzheimer's disease.

The story was...

All of which is quite interesting to see.

The next paragraph I found it difficult to take.

"..appear to be better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests."

That would be all right if it wasn't for the fact the article actually came with

a giant photograph of me next to the article

under the words "big head".

..can protect against Alzheimer's.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And...

Written underneath that was,

"Extra large: report is good news for Dara O'Briain."

No, it's not!

It's not good news, cos I've suddenly realised

I've got a big head, apparently!

What d'you mean you've "suddenly realised"?

Dara! Protect us from the Alzheimer's!

LAUGHTER

Back in Canada, I did some modelling, it was for medical...

It was for penile dysfunction, it was a before and after picture.

LAUGHTER

Is this true?

I didn't model... I don't model for big head things.

I don't regard myself as having a large head.

I don't have any difficulty buying hats.

I don't have difficulty getting into jumpers.

Er, it's...

-My head has caused me no...

-When did those three guys get here?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You were over there.

To be fair, a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem,

it causes the owner's mother a problem.

Have you ever seen Dara...?

It's smaller than my hips, for God's sake!

Your head is smaller than your hips.

What kind of shape are you? You're a peanut!

What do you mean?!

Of course my head is smaller than my hips!

Dara...Dara!

-Dara, look at me!

-Is your head not smaller than your hips?

-No! Have you never met me?

Dara, Dara, look at me!

Oh, you're weird.

Look at me, look at me!

I'm going to take you to a hall of mirrors

and show you how you should look.

I'm not the kid from Mask!

You see, look at that. It's fine.

Your head is absolutely enormous.

In fact, on a normal-sized head, that would be a full head of hair.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's a good thing he's...

Are you or are you not staying in my house tonight?

When Dara opens an umbrella,

it's like one of them little cocktail ones.

To put in context how big it is, Dara,

it has its own gravitational field.

It's pulled in an entire planet behind you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This desk was straight when we started.

I was expecting sympathy, that's why I introduced this story.

You were expecting sympathy?!

"I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians,

"and I thought, 'There's a group that'll help me through!'"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On the plus side...

I think of you all as friends. I don't think of you as comedians.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news,

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features David Cameron.

"Right, well, they said this was the place to go

"for the world leaders' Christmas party, but, er...

"Doesn't seem to be anyone around, that's a little bit strange.

"So... Never mind. Oh, dear, look. A long corridor. Lots of cameras.

"Oh, my God, I think I may be entering the Big Brother house."

LAUGHTER

"Never mind, I hope they've got the housemates I wanted.

"Stacey Solomon, Ian Beale and H from Steps."

"Aah! Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm Angela, Bavaria's next big model!

"Yes, I used to be a world leader, but not any more, no.

"I've come to read the meter. It's over there, yeah.

"I'll get a pencil."

"Ah, bonjour, who are you?

"Oh, my God, ha ha!

"Even ze Chinese are taller zan me!"

LAUGHTER

"I don't know what, maybe I should start wearing Carla's heels.

"I'll tell you a secret: I am already wearing her panties."

"Look, you'll enjoy this, look at that, you see?

"That's one of our riots. Yes?

"It's Croydon, but it could be Kabul."

"Yes."

"Hey, big fella, how you doin'?

"Yeah, merry Christmas, how was your year, huh?"

"Well, it wasn't bad, actually." "I'll tell you the highlight of mine -

"I personally tracked down and killed the world's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden, yeah.

"There was no footage released because I did it on my own,

"yeah, I did."

"I got him. I got him. Yeah, that's me. Yeah.

"So has anybody given you a Christmas box?"

"Well, unfortunately, no, I was hoping to get one with Nick Clegg's head in it, but..."

"Yeah, that's me, I got Osama, yeah.

"Yeah, I killed him. Bare hands.

"Yeah, yeah. No joking.

"Mmm. Yeah, that's me."

"Someone has dropped this curtain on me, but from where?"

LAUGHTER

"Oh! I'm not going to drink any of the tap water,

"I think David Walliams might have been swimming in it, so..."

"Yeah, it was me. Bare hands, one blow. Yeah."

"Yeah, presents, I want a stepladder. "Yeah."

"It's Ben Kingsley, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER

"Ah, lovely to see you, Mr Cameron, come over and sit down here, yes.

"Please, make yourself comfortable."

"Well, thank you very much,

"yes, I think there's great scope for co-operation between our two nations,

"I think we can move forward together in the future.

"And if I can say just one thing to you,

"er...

"simples."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Hugh!

CHEERING

My dad used to work for Qantas, he was cabin crew, and the best thing...

My favourite thing I've ever heard, I think, about Christmas, is that... Every second Christmas as a kid,

my dad was away cos he was flying, that was the way it worked with Qantas,

and this one particular year he told me that they were flying on Christmas night,

and in the middle of the night, the captain, the pilot called him, basically called him up and said,

"In about five minutes, I'm going to ask you to turn all the lights up," cos everyone was asleep.

So he went, "All right," and he said, "Don't ask, just do it."

In five minutes, my dad turned the lights up, and the captain said, "Ladies and gentlemen,

sorry to wake you in the middle of the night, but we've had a special request on the radar.

"There's a special person flying around the world tonight who wants to come on board.

"So if all the kids are awake, he's coming down..." And then the pilot jiggled the joystick,

-and the plane went "ba-doom," and he went, "He just landed."

-LAUGHTER

And then out of the cockpit came Santa.

And did the whole lap of the aeroplane,

gave out presents to all the kids,

and then went back into the cockpit, and then the captain said,

"And now we have to give him a bit of a run-up, so I'm going to speed up a little bit,"

and he actually pushed forward on the engines, and all the kids just went mental.

No wonder Qantas planes have got a big hole in them!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That would be...

That would be an amazing way to hijack a plane, wouldn't it?

Just take over the Santa... "Yes! Christmas is over!

"I've got six presents for you here!"

THEY LAUGH

Trying to bring some Christmas joy!

LAUGHTER

OK, what commodity has been snapped up in enormous quantities this week?

-Chocolate.

-Not quite chocolate, not quite chocolate.

-Cocoa beans.

-Cocoa beans.

There's a businessman, whose name I don't know,

he owns seven per cent of the world's cocoa beans.

Yes, one mystery man owns seven per cent of the world's cocoa beans.

All he needs is a glass elevator and some Oompa Loompas.

You can just imagine...

It is a story that will explain economics

to people who are a bit meh about banks

and didn't really get what was going on,

if you say to them one guy bought all the chocolate,

and now the chocolate is going to be more dear.

And they go, "That's a disgrace."

"I know, imagine if somebody did that with, like gold, or property."

"They wouldn't do that! They have?! Aaaaah!"

I did wonder how often he spends annoying his friends and co-workers

and his underlings who have to laugh at him because he's the boss.

"Go on, ask me how I am, ask me how I am. Ask me how I am."

"How are you?" "Full of beans!"

LAUGHTER

What he was doing, and Dara, you'll appreciate this,

was getting a head start on his...

LAUGHTER

..on his competitors.

There hasn't been that much chocolate hoarded

since Eamonn Holmes was getting ready for the World Cup game.

Here's the interesting thing, 5.3 billion...

cos apparently he bought 241,000 tonnes, he has...

-That can nearly fit on your head.

-Nearly.

LAUGHTER

-5.3 billion quarter-pound chocolate bars...

-THEY LAUGH

-Just let it go.

-Did you hear the sigh in the middle of your own sentence there?

I can't believe I let you all have that for free.

Can I finish the point I was going to make, right?

-Apparently the amount of chocolate...

-You've probably got loads of sentences...

Like a stag.

-You probably think this is going to finish after the show.

-Yeah...

I know you'll never mention that again, and members of the public won't mention it to me either,

that's the best thing about it.

You will get one...

From there, I will crush your entire head in one swoop.

Oh, Dara, is it yourself or is it an eclipse?

Is this why you studied astrophysics, so you could understand yourself?

Yes.

Fuck, your head's big!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Christmas story, heartwarming, delightful.

The... No...

There was a Christmas dinner... I think it was Christmas dinner, or the day after,

Stephen's day in Ireland, Boxing Day here,

and it was three generations of one side of the family,

granny, uncles, aunts, kids, and people started telling jokes.

And they were all like, you know, "What lies at the bottom of the ocean? Nervous wreck,"

all these kind of cracker-type jokes,

and then my cousin, I was about 11, my cousin was about 12, 13,

he said, "I've got a joke."

And they said, "What's the joke?"

And he says, "What's pink and hard and you rub it in the bathroom?"

LAUGHTER

And the table went "whoomp!"

Because all the elders went "Urgh!" like that, and all the...

cos he was the eldest cousin, I think, so everyone below him went,

-"Ooh, I don't know, now that's an interesting one..."

-LAUGHTER

"Could be many things..."

"Er...ooh, this is a teaser."

"I wonder what this could be."

And there was a pause, and he goes, "A bar of soap."

And every elder went, "Phew!"

And all the kids went, "Oh, that doesn't...anyway..."

"The soap at our house is green, for a start."

And that could have been it, except his dad, my uncle,

then, for some crazy reason, went, "That's not the real answer, is it?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The first joke I ever told my mother was, and I was about eight,

I should think, I didn't understand it,

I said, "How do you get to Shepherd's Bush?

"Up the shepherd's leg."

LAUGHTER

And she, sort of...

ignored it.

LAUGHTER

How will one London shop be getting into the festive spirit early?

Are they going to be selling really big hats?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

No!

What's going on here?

-Ah, that's fantastic.

-Is it an elk shagging a nesting box?

Has that tree got Dutch elk disease?

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's the, um...

LAUGHTER

It's very Christmassy. Is that bloke in the corner saying,

"I'm sorry, Rudolph, no, that's an automatic ban, I'm afraid."

LAUGHTER

Rudolph survived the crash,

but unfortunately Santa really doesn't exist any more.

-It's a moose.

-Oh, is it? Oh, I was hoping it was an elk.

-Cos he was drunk, wasn't he?

-Yeah, he was. He's a drunk moose.

And he's got a terrible hangover.

So I was hoping to say, "How does he get rid of the hangover?

"Elka-seltzer."

LAUGHTER

-Well, you can't say that. You have to say...

-"Moosa-seltzer."

And Moosa-seltzer doesn't work.

Is the elk going,

"You're right, Brian, I couldn't jump over the tree."

LAUGHTER

The moose is saying, "I'll come quietly, officer."

Well, reasonably quietly -

I don't know if you've ever heard a moose come before, but it's not subtle.

What's the difference between a moose and an elk, anyway?

If you can tell that's not an elk.

I can't tell, I was told that that is a moose.

I can't tell if it's a moose or an elk.

I'm not going,

"Well, in my long years of doing the Norwegian Springwatch...

LAUGHTER

SPEAKS MADE-UP NORWEGIAN

Oh! Oh, sorry, this just in...

they're the same thing.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what...

-I'll tell you a thing...

-I don't think that's too niche.

-Yeah.

No, just the same thing, just the same thing, don't confuse people, they're the same thing.

-Can I just tell you how that thing got over its hangover, then?

-Yeah.

Elka-seltzer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In other news, who's in line for a Christmas number one?

This is the Pope. The Pope is going to be releasing a record.

Somebody from Geffen Records, who are his record company, said:

"Schlafen, kinder!

"Schlafen!! Schlafen! Oder Santa Claus nicht kommen, nicht kommen!

"Schlafen!"

I think it's going to be a very popular record, though, isn't it?

It's not just going to be Christians who are going to want to buy it -

everybody is going to want to buy it,

cos those who aren't Christians are going to want to play it backwards

to see if there's a different message inside.

Wouldn't that be great? "Meet me by the bins, yeah.

"Meet me by the bins, meet me by the bins.

"Oh! Meet me by the bins." I'm buying it.

LAUGHTER

I think you should record that, that's actually quite good.

In fact, let's do that, let's rival him.

Let's do a Mock The Week Christmas song, and see if we can't get it to number one.

And will the lyrics have to be, "Meet me by the bins, meet me by the bins..."?

We can put that in the middle.

Guys, what are we doing making a Christmas album

when we could clean up with a calendar?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

October!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Is that Dara loading hay bales?

CHEERING

What is going on?

Oh, my God!

-You don't just...

-Hugh, what are you doing?

-Don't give up the nipple!

You don't show the nipple, that's... You've got to hold that back.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I've got two!

LAUGHTER

God, this is the happiest Christmas ever.

You have no idea how often we see these.

Scaramanga is amongst us.

How fat... Your nipples are incredible!

The size of them!

-They're...

-My nipples are...

Are we supposed to be insecure about our nipples now?

No!

But look at them!

Oh, do it some more, do it some more,

anticlockwise, anticlockwise... Oh, yeah.

Oh-h, yeah.

January, bitches.

LAUGHTER

No...

We're giving you one month just as a bit of a teaser here.

And the other ones you have to buy, I'm afraid.

We're trying to get you addicted to the heroin with his nipples,

and we're withholding the gravy from there on in. Yeah.

Where will you be, will you be, you know,

sitting behind a piano or something, or maybe, you know... What?

I'll be on top of the piano like the Fabulous Baker Boys.

-Where will you be, Dara?

-That's what you call your testicles?

I see Dara as a sort of a farmhand.

-Just... Logs everywhere.

-Rustic.

-Loads of girls going, "Aaah..."

Or it could be very artistic.

It could be like Munch's The Scream,

and it's just you completely naked...

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I like this album.

Thank you very, very much. In a kind of a...

"Is that my cock out? Aaah!"

LAUGHTER

"Here, on a bridge, in Norway?"

LAUGHTER

Merry Christmas, everybody!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-BUZZER

-OK, the next topic is...

Unlikely things to hear at Christmas.

I'm afraid Grandad's dead. He fell into a bowl of Christmas cake mix.

Sounds unlikely, but you see, under the surface,

very strong currants.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's time to drain the 25th vegetable in our advent colander.

LAUGHTER

Bad news, son, Santa's just sent a text.

Apparently he won't be able to make it

until after the sales have started.

LAUGHTER

Your mother has always wanted to be somewhere hot for Christmas.

So I've chained her to the Aga.

LAUGHTER

Santa's deliveries were much quicker this year,

because he didn't have to deliver to the naughty children

of Tottenham and Croydon.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, this is embarrassing, dear.

The smaller set of underwear is actually for my secretary.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid Santa wasn't able to bring you a toy train,

so he's brought you a toy replacement bus service.

LAUGHTER

Er, Mum... These are just flattened pieces of cardboard.

This is just an...

ex-box.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, no, the Wii is yours, darling.

It's not Granny's.

LAUGHTER

No, Grandad, you kiss under the mistletoe, not the camel toe!

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

I haven't got you a present, Grandma,

cos Daddy promised you'd be dead.

LAUGHTER

Either we've been burgled, or all Dad's got us for Christmas

is a big poo in the middle of the carpet.

LAUGHTER

No, I got the Christmas presents early this year.

I looted them in August.

LAUGHTER

We're turning the Christmas lights on in March.

They're energy saving bulbs, they should be ready by September.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So I've rubbed goose fat on these,

so if you put your bra back on, Gran...

..I don't think you'll need to have to worry about the cold any more.

LAUGHTER

That's a jumbo sausage roll, isn't it?

Means I've eaten the Wii controller.

LAUGHTER

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not shout, I'm telling you why,

Santa Claus is coming to town and he's had an incredibly long drive,

the last thing he needs is any shit off you two.

LAUGHTER

OK... I have to say merry Christmas.

I literally cannot find it in my heart to say...

..merry Christmas.

Aaaaargh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd