Episode 4 Mock the Week

Hello, and welcome to mock mock. I'm Dara O'Briain dare. Joining me

this week are Andy Murray, Ed, Ava and Andy and Ed Miliband, Chris

Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones. We'll start tonight with a

line called Headliners. Here's a picture of Labour's two Eds, but

what do LLIS stand for? Is it "Labour's lead is slipping"? --

Labour leader is shit? No newspaper has run with that as a head line.

Is it that they're being photographed in the Welsh town of

Llis? Is Ed Balls saying, "Look, look, I silly?" Ed Miliband's voice

finally has been explained - lump lodged in sinus?

Miliband is looking at Balls, and he's thinking, "Let's live in sin."

APPLAUSE They talk about what Ed Balls did,

and he just "Let loose invisible sphere". Is he looking a bit

surprised, and is that because "lubricated love egg is slipping"?

LAUGHTER No. No. "Labour like it sexy?"

it what Dara is thinking, ""Lord, let it stop"? Can we move towards

the correct answer? Is it. It's "Lindsay Lohan is shit-faced".

No, really. Is Ed Balls saying to a woman journalist, "Look, love, I'm

speaking?" Is he saying what the Labour Party are thinking, "Lose

leader, invite sibling"? Ah.A proper bit of politics.

Alternatively, is it "lubricated love egg"? The first L stands for

Labour, unsurprisingly. Does the second one stand for Liberace?

LAUGHTER "Labour's lead is slipping"? Yes,

it is. Very, very good, thank you very much, Andy Parsons. Yes, the

answer I was looking for was "Labour's lead is slipping". This

is the news a new opinion poll has shown a slump in Labour's lead to

just five points over the Conservatives. The YouGov poll

shows Labour on 38% and the Tories on 33%. The smallest Labour lead

since November last year. Miliband's approval rating is now

so low it's almost as low as it is within his own family. That's -

LAUGHTER That is how bad it is. So much of

Labour's problem is down to Miliband's own sort of image, and I

feel so sorry for the man. I think he's rubbish, but I feel so sorry

for him because I've never heard anybody have to justify their own

position as a human more - whenever he's interviewed, "I'm a normal

guy" - he shouldn't have to say that. "I'm a normal guy from my

head right down to my ornately feathered vagina. I'm a normal,

normal guy!" I think Labour are doing badly because there are fewer

young people. What's the saying? When you're oung, you're a

socialist. When you're middle aged, you're a Conservative. And when

you're dead, you're Green? LAUGHTER

I was going to do a gig for Labour, and I got booed. Jesus, I'm a black

woman living in this country, and liek there's any other viable

option. What am I supposed to do, go and do a gig for UKIP and as an

encore deport myself? No choice. APPLAUSE

I honestly would like to see that gig. That's what I call ending with

showbiz flair. Labour popularity has been halved as has the Lib Dem

popularity. They're down to 11%. But I still think people are

missing a trick. If any pollster asked people - anybody should say

they're going to vote Lib Dem at the next general election, then

nobody should vote but then when Nick Clegg goes, but you promised

us," we can all go, "Yeah, now you know how we feel".

APPLAUSE How did Eric Pickles upstage George

Osborne in the last week? He it a him.

LAUGHTER He ate a burger, didn't he?

didn't. Osborne ate a burger. I have a picture here that George

Osborne tweeted during the week of him preparing a speech and a lot of

people picked up on what he had in front of him which is a burger and

chips. Did anybody pick up on the fact he was imitating having a

knife and fork in his hand, didn't know what to do. This led to one of

the stupidest - people said, what burger was it? It turns out it was

from a restaurant called Byron Burgers whose burgers are �6...

dinner. And this led to a story, "Sham burger" on the front page of

the Sun because there wasn't, presumably, like a 99p burger. And

then Eric Pickles, who we every week slag off - or use as kind of

the go-to joke for being overweight, then Tweeted this picture of

himself at a table with a salad and carrot sticks in front of him.

you pull back, you'll see that salad is in fact the garnish to a

four-foot burger. He's not touched the salad. He's just eaten the

person opposite him. LAUGHTER

If Eric Pickles has a burger with pickles in it, in it, do you think

he goes, this is cannibalism? if he eats pickles while standing

in the Gherkin - which Tory MP hasn't made the best use of Twitter

this week? Andrew Selous.Yes, what did he Tweet this week? He said

immigrants should "lean English". He did.

LAUGHTER He is an 'ucking 'unt.

LAUGHTER In other news, why have a group of

pensioners in a field been making headlines? Rolling Stones.Of

course, yes. Fantastic, wasn't it? I was there. It was great. Which

one were you? On guitar - LAUGHTER

On guitars, we had the Pirate King. We had the walking advert for Just

For Men. On drums, we had a resurrected corpse and then on

vocals we had a cross between Michael Caine and a demented pigeon.

It was - it was spectacular. LAUGHTER

The thing about the Rolling Stones is they're so stick thin. They

still look like drainpipe trousers skinny. If one of them - one of

them had just gotten fat it would have been hilarious. They're all

like rock stars and one of them is going with the - (MIMES SMOKING)

what? Were we supposed to keep this up? Come on. That's a little -

sitting in the corner with a pie, going, "Ah, 50 years I've been

trying to fit into these jeans - like, whatever". Keith Richards

still has - he has to wear that bandanna now because it's the only

thing holding his face still together, isn't it?

LAUGHTER A sound of fear from the audience.

He looks like something from the Dark Crystal - "Ooom". Keith

Richards was made from a Jim Henson creature factory. His ears turn

around - he's like the BFG with slightly, slightly larger ears.

should see the size of his Snozzcumber. I watched it from home,

but to get the authentic Glastonbury experience, I watched

the TV in the living room from the bottom of the garden.

LAUGHTER All of this stuff about the Rolling

Stones being really old, but they're not as old as Bruce Forsyth,

are they? The first time he went to Glastonbury, he met King Arthur.

was able to try out his new catchphrase, "Help, the nurses are

stealing my clothes." LAUGHTER

The nurses are clean -- stealing my clothes, help!

LAUGHTER Does anybody else think that Mick

Jagger's neck looks a bit like a big, veiny cock?

LAUGHTER They do look like there's been a

fire at Madeleine McCann. -- Madame Tussauds. At the end of that round,

the points go to Ed, Ava and Andy. Now, we play a round called a "A

Rolling Stone Gathers No Mocks". This game involves Milton, aiva and

Chris, so if you could make your way to the performance area please.

This is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News, and

wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward

and talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is

funniest. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel. The first subject is

parenting. Who wants to come into that? Ed, Ava and Andy.

I'm a parent, and no-one ever actually prepares you properly for

being a parent. They give you some books about what's going to happen

to your body, how the baby is going to grow. When I found out in my

friends are going to have a child, the only book I give them is "We

Need to Talk About Kevin". I'm not going to lie for you, it hasn't

really worked out for me. I can kind of tell how old people's kids

are by the enthusiasm in their answer. If they go, "Yeah, I've got

kids" you can tell they're still quite young. They haven't had time

for the hate to kick in. LAUGHTER

Having a daughter and having a son, I have actually worked out why you

men are so messed up. And what it is, right - is because my son, he

talks quite a lot. He rabbits on a lot. And the other day he was

going: "Mum. Mum, mum...ner, ner, ner." And I just went, "Shut up or

else I'll knock you out." And he turned around to me and he went,

"Mum, I'd like to see you try." So I tried - I had to see if the joke

would work. And I realised because my son, he's the same height as me

now, he plays county level rugby. He's actually stronger than me, and

I realised, gosh, I actually can't physically hurt this boy. So I sat

there and I thought about it, and it was at that point I realised,

"Oh, my God. I'm going to have to mess him up psychologically." And

that is what we do. Thank you very much Ava. The next

subject, please. Let's spin the wheel. The next subject is science.

Who wants to come in on that? Chris Addison.

I tell you the problem with science. Right. The problem with science is

it refuses to speak the language of those of us who don't understand

science, right, even when it's the job of science to be talking to us

numpties. It can't bring itself to speak as we do. Pick up a packet of

paracetamol - right - look at the instructions on the back of that.

It says: 'For the treatment of neuralgia fibrositis, muscular'" -

whatever. We don't talk like that. If that talked anything like us

that would say, "For the treatment of the worst headache I've ever had

in my life, a pain in my side which I'm sure actually is cancer this

time." The wife had to help me out of the car. It's coming out of both

ends - like someone's hit a pain au chocolat with a mallet. That is how

we talk, right, but it doesn't. It doesn't. We can't tell what is

actually science and what is some hokey nonsense dressed up as

science to, you know, to entice us in. That's why cosmetic companies,

whenever they bring out a new thickness of goop, right, they give

it a sciency name. So we'll be all dazzled. Nivea DNAge. Oh, F off!

Avon's cream, AVON'S new cream is called Anew Genics. With a? What's

Anew Genics? That's been through marketing. That's been focus groups,

design. Did nobody at any point go, Anew Genics - you don't think that

sounds a bit Third Reichy, maybe? What next, new Pro-genocide, now

with Anti-semitox? "Sandra, can I borrow your ethnic cleanser?"

Well done, Chris Addison. And, that leaves us with Milton. Let's see

what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel. And the topic is

The USA. So I've just come back from America, apparently.

LAUGHTER When I was there I saw one of those

very, very, very, very large Americans. He said he fitted

kitchens. I said, "I bet you don't."

LAUGHTER I went up to this girl and I said

"What's your name?" And she said, "Chantelle". Well, if you're not

going to tell me your name! LAUGHTER

I said, "What do you do for a living?" She said - (AMERICAN

ACCENT)- "Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there." I said, "I

hope you're not a travel agent." LAUGHTER

When I was in America I bought tickets for The Bears versus the

Cowboys - bit of a disappointment. I wanted to see bears versus

cowboys! So then I bought tickets for The Giants versus the Jets -

another missed opportunity. (MAKES JET SOUND, THEN BEAR SOUND).

Then I bought tickets for the Packers versus the Dolphins.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Get in the box, get in the box!

(MIMES KICKING AND MAKES DOLPHIN NOISE). Thank you very much. Come

The next round is called, If This Is The Answer, what's the Question?

Which category would you like? news, please. The answer is "43

Years" - what is the question? long does take it to repay a �10

loan from Wonga.com? Is it, what's the life expectancy of someone who

works at Greggs? LAUGHTER

Is it what is the average Silverstone lap time for a Formula

One star on Pirelli tyres? Is it how long is too long to be out for

if you say, "I'm just popping down to the shops for a minute?" Is it,

how old is the earth if Michelle Obama really is the First Lady?

LAUGHTER Is it how old did Dara O'Briain

look when he was 25? No, no, you laughed first. You can't pretend

sympathy when you laughed first. it in fact how long have my parents

regretted using pulling out as a contraceptive method?

APPLAUSE How long will Julian Assange be

living in an embassy before he finally goes, do you know what? I

should have just gone to jail! it, if Ed Miliband remains leader,

how long will it take before Labour get back into power? What is the

mill of - MILF age of consent? APPLAUSE

OK. If you put in a ready meal 43 years ago, how long has it been

ready for? LAUGHTER

The correct answer, please. Can I have the correct... Is that not the

correct answer? No, it's not the correct answer. None of you have

even attempted to do the correct answer. It's in how many years will

Brazil be ready to host the 2014 Olympics? Genuine... Proper answer,

how long can Gerard Depardieu balance a spoon on his nose?

LAUGHTER Could I have anything that even

vaguely resembles a topical news story? OK. Is it how many years'

worth of shale gas are they claiming there is now under the

British Isles? Absolutely right, Chris Addison. Well done!

Yes, the question I was looking for is: For how long could newly

discovered shale gas reserves power the UK? This is the news that

latest Government estimates suggest there is enough shale gas under the

norht-west of England to supply the UK for over four decades. The huge

reserve which is considered to be much higher than previously thought

has the potential to replace the country's ageing coal, oil and

nuclear power stations. For what cost? The north of England. I have

moved out. It's all fine. It's not risk free, is it? Mr Could fall

into the sea, and there's risks as well, aren't there? So -

LAUGHTER Blackpool has been mentioned as one

of the places where both there is a significant reserve underneath -

and they know it's Blackpool because you dig down through the

rock, it says "Blackpool" all the way down. Thank you very much.

you seen the footage of people in the States Oh, in the US - methane

contaminating water supplies - this, for example, happened to one

woman's tap in Pennsylvania. Just like that. Now, let me just say

this - we're not promising that that'll happen to you because that

is kind of cool. LAUGHTER

Why was she - who is trying to light their water? I think she was

merely doing that for a demonstration rather than she'd

been doing this for years, and suddenly this was working. I knew

it! I knew this would work someday. I think it's quite useful because

the amount of people that smoke or even can't find their lighter -

just go to the tap. It's in the south of England as well - there's

a huge band of this shale rock that lies underneath Yorkshire and

Lancashire but also London. Pore bore says he would welcome it under

London to fuel London. That's because he knows there isn't any

under London. He can say it. they start drilling, they can go,

there weren't any gas, but we found these trains with these screaming

people inside. Maybe they can power something. What giant are we

employing to do that? "I found these trains! Ah-ha, ha, ha!"

brilliant. We found energy in England just as Scotland are

thinking of voting for independence. We go, oh, thanks for all of your

energy that we've shared. Now, you know, on your way - if they do do

fracking all the way across the Penines, Scotland may well have to

go for independence as it drifts off into the north sea.

APPLAUSE What you have to remember is that

what happens down a collapsed mine shaft stays down a collapsed mine

shaft. APPLAUSE

In other news, who has been spied on this week? Europe. Spied on

Europe - it - put a bug - it all sounded very high-tech until they

mentioned they'd put a bug in the faxman machine. Are they still

using those? The only message you're going to get on a fax

machine is "Hello. Is there anybody else out there who still has a fax

machine"... "Hello. I'm trapped in a fax machine factory. Could you

please send help" - the only contact I can make is by - vrr. It

is. It's apparently spying on the EU. You can understand the EU -

it's causing some tension because the EU are going, OK. You're spying

on Russia. We get that. But, like, dude, like, come on. We're on your

side, for Christ's... Bad manners spying on friends,

isn't it? It's like when you invite somebody to come over and spend the

night in the spare bedroom and you put a webcam in there. It's not

right, is it? Obviously, we've all done it! But it's not right. I've

not enjoyed watching those tapes. They went from bugging the Italian

embassy - you think, what is the point of that? Nothing is going to

embarrass the Italians! Their ex- Prime Minister had "bunga bunga"

parties in his own home and he was the one who was telling everybody

about them. They probably just found the camera - "A camera! Bunga

bunga!" LAUGHTER

Could it also be that - spying on the European Union must be the most

disappointing assignment for any spy or secret agent, isn't it?

""007, Your mission is to find the agricultural production figures for

the year 2015 - just remember, NOTHING depends on it"!

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

What's been happening this week to our favourite whistle-blower Edward

Snowden? Nothing has happened to him. He's still in Moscow Airport.

He's pissed. He's in duty free with a bottle of liquor going, "Why did

I do it?" No, and where's turned him down? Everywhere has turned him

down. Everywhere.In gratitude for him revealing to us that the

Americans have been spying on us, we've gone, anyway, it's not our

problem. He sent asylum requests out to 21 different countries. It's

looking a bit desperate. It's beginning to look like an episode

of Take Me Out. Let's let the traitor fret and wait-er. There is

one person in the world you would think has some sympathy for him,

and he has no sympathy for him, which is Julian Assange. If he

rings him and goes "Oh, my God. It's wrecking my head. I am in the

airport," and he's in his one room in an embassy going, "Airport - I

dream of an airport!" At the end of that round, the points go to Chris

and Milton. Now we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone

could make their way over to the performance area. I'll read out

this week's topics, then we'll see what the panellists can come up

with. Here we go. The first subject is: Lines you wouldn't hear in a

sci-fi movie. Captain's log, star date 21 - it's a Tuesday.

LAUGHTER Actually, Jeremy Kyle has just got

the DNA results back, and apparently, Luke, I'm not your

father. Commander SkyWalker, bad news, we left R2 D2 outside, and

the council took him away for emptying. I have seen things you

wouldn't believe. I've seen attack ships on fire off Orion. There is a

giant satsuma in front of the ship. Go to orange alert.

APPLAUSE First, there was Snakes on the

Plane. Now the British remake: Wasp in a Car!

APPLAUSE You can't win. If you strike me

down now, I shall become more powerful - get off, you prick!

What is it, captain! I've never seen anything like it in my life!

Of course not, Scottie! It's the sun.

APPLAUSE Since you have got your laser gun

trained on me, I've got a bit of stubble and hair just here - here.

LAUGHTER Permission to beam down to the

forbidden planet. No. APPLAUSE

I can see dead people. That's because I'm watching UK TV Gold.

Here are the sci-fi football results - R2D-2, C3P- 0. Look at

all of those fading, dwindling stars forced to eat bugs in the

jungle. If you leave our protection, you'll almost definitely die.

Scottie, do you still want independence?

LAUGHTER Luke, I am your father. Go to your

room. LAUGHTER

Captain, I don't like it when you call me Spock-face.

LAUGHTER To boldly go where no man has gone

before - Ann Widdecombe. LAUGHTER

How many Klingons does take it to change a dylithion crystal?

next subject is unlikely personal ads. I could be the man of your

dreams - if you dream of a man who exposes himself to people on trains.

I'm a cat person. I sleep all day, and I bury my poo in the garden.

For sex with no strings attached, don't shag a puppet.

APPLAUSE Katie Price seeks new husband,

position, temporary, usual terms and conditions apply.

APPLAUSE Looking for love in all the wrong

places? Well, you wanted to be a priest!

APPLAUSE Ugly, fat bloke looking for a

supermodel with a sense of humour. Man prone to violent mood swings

seeks woman to - go screw yourself! I love you!

APPLAUSE Me male, 22, 33, 52 - one of them's

my age. Are you feeling lucky, punk? -- female. Agriphobic seeks

claustrophobic for doorstep encounters. Oh!I am Ponus of the

planet Chestoclon 8. I seek a female to take my seed, make better

world for both of our planets - Dave from Croydon. Stick man seeks

depressed old lady so we can have some really shit times together.

Gorgeous, 5'11" black woman, amazing body, great rack - I just

thought I'd put it out there. George Clooney look-alike who's

looking for a woman with visual impairment. Do you like swinging?

Meet me down by the swings. looking for a dominant woman. Tell

me to call you. APPLAUSE

Do you like dogs? Good! Because I'm small, hairy and hung like a border

terrier. LAUGHTER

Sophisticated erudite man with great taste seeks woman with

massive knocks. LAUGHTER

Man with massive cock seeks woman with large hen to discuss poultry

farming. APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Ava and Andy. And