New Year's Eve Special Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it, read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world

# Read all about it, read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Dara O Briain

and welcome to my special New Year Mockananny.

Tonight is all about top class live music, spectacular fireworks

and a non-stop party atmosphere.

At least it would be if you'd gone out, but never mind, you're in now,

so we've got half an hour of brand-new material, outtakes

and favourite clips from the year just gone to keep you entertained.

Hope you enjoy it and Happy New Year.

I have to say, it doesn't feel like the country's got football fever.

You know, there aren't taxis with the George's Cross in the window.

There's a lot less of that than there used to be.

The only piece of really exciting memorabilia we found

was a thing that was on sale in Asda during the week. This is great.

It's great for a number of reasons, not least the name of it.

It's called wearing flag. As in, "I've got my wearing flag!"

-Not wearable?

-Not wearable, not to be worn. "Me wearing flag."

I'm actually going to get the flag out.

It might seem slightly transgressive, to any of you

watching in Ireland, that I will now drape myself in the English flag,

but trust me, it is worth it, because it has been slightly,

slightly controversial this one, for reasons I can't quite figure why

this has been as controversial as this has been.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is...

I can't see any,

any kind of negative connotations about this at all.

I'll tell you what, that Gandalf's let himself go, hasn't he?

Romesh, if you were walking down the street and a number of men,

enthusiastic English supporters, happened to be walking down

the street towards you, they'd just been to Asda,

they'd also bought the burnable lawn crosses.

It's bizarre, isn't it?

Oh, you'll find the Death Star will be quite operational

when your friends arrive.

I'm sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's fantastic.

And the thing that's so difficult is you...

..you look racist but you look so adorable.

LAUGHTER

What would help is if you had a Flake sticking out the top.

ED HUMS "THE STRIPPER" THEME

Well, I like the way our stripper came as a racist.

Obviously every year we do our traditional quiz,

as you are well aware, we've done a Christmas quiz for a number

of years now, so we are going to do the traditional New Year's quiz

about the traditions and things that occur around the world

at this special time.

OK, right quiz question.

In Peru, as a New Year's tradition, what antisocial behaviour

can you expect to see in New Year in Peruvian villages?

-How do they call in the New Year?

-Spitting.

-Not spitting, not spitting, no.

-Eating guinea pigs.

No, they don't eat guinea pigs.

Bears throwing marmalade sandwiches at each other?

-You would think that, er, but no.

-Kicking the shit out of Uruguayans?

-You're half right.

-Kicking the Uruguayans out of shit?

-No, no.

Snakes?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's a very charitable thing they do.

-They burn effigies.

They don't burn effigies.

-They make little models of Uruguayans out of potato.

-OK, OK, sorry.

Can I just stress it's nothing to do with Uruguay.

So they kick the shit out of something.

So, it's an antisocial thing. Is it pranks?

-Well, it's a fight, but who do they fight?

-Each other.

Yes, they fight each other. Well done, very good, James.

Everybody does that, not just the Peruvians.

Exactly. That's New Years.

They do it because it apparently it leads to a clean slate.

It's a bit like never go to sleep on an argument.

Never go into the new year wanting to punch your neighbour in the head

is the Peruvian version.

OK, right.

Right, question two. Oh, this is rolling now.

What did the BBC broadcast for the first time at New Year in 1923?

-The Queen's speech.

-Is it the Peruvians fighting each other?

The annual Peruvian fights which took place in the Peruvian embassy.

I think this is going to be Big Ben chiming.

Yes, it is Big Ben. Well done, Josh Widdicombe. Very good.

APPLAUSE

Do you have any predictions for 2015?

I'm looking for predictions for 2015, what's going to happen.

I might grow a beard.

LAUGHTER

-I don't know yet.

-You couldn't really walk into a bookies and go,

"What odds would you give me about me growing a beard?"

To tell you the truth, I don't think I'd get very good ones.

I'll race you, Rob. I'll give you a bit of a challenge.

Would it all come out blonde? Have you ever grown it?

Yeah, I tried to grow it once for Movember and do a little moustache,

but it was all really blonde and you couldn't really see it.

-So I got my girlfriend's eyelash thing...

-Mascara.

Yeah, and sort of painted it,

and I looked like Lionel Richie.

LAUGHTER

Like an Aryan Lionel Richie.

Like the Lionel Richie the Nazi Party can enjoy, yeah.

LAUGHTER

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Play Hello Again for us, Li-onel von Richie.

I find it quite good. I did though meet a girl who said recently,

cos I thought I had a goatee beard,

and she said it merely looked like I had an arrow going up my nose.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What other set-backs did the Conservatives suffer

-just before the conference?

-We've been looking forward to this.

This is the man, the Conservative MP who exposed himself

over social media whilst wearing his blue and red paisley pyjamas.

-Yes. What was his name?

-Brooks Newmark.

Oh, it's quite the romantic novelist name, isn't it?

I mean, Mark Reckless is a crazy cop on the edge,

but Brooks Newmark is your first pet and the road you grew up on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No-one has a real name. Brooks Newmark.

Do you think he looks like if you pumped up Ed Miliband...

Yeah, he does, yeah.

..and then just slowly let the air out of him?

I find myself in the odd...

I don't normally feel this way, but I feel sorry for him.

I have sympathy for him as well,

but the penis is not an attractive, at the best...

No seduction has worked by going, "Well, wait till you see this!"

LAUGHTER

"This is a very beautiful thing."

No, I know it's a generalisation for women,

but they don't find men's bits, I think, as just visually,

"Well, that is a particularly lovely..."

Is that why there's the little opening at the front of the pyjamas?

It's specifically designed for that, yeah.

Pyjamas, in order for you to get your junk out, quick photo,

pop them back in again.

In the olden days you'd just pop it out of your pyjamas,

quickly draw a charcoal sketch, fold it up,

give it to the carrier pigeon, they'd take it to a local madam.

Or a brass rubbing,

but you've got to be careful because it gets bigger as you go on.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There is a generational element to this though, that it is very

much the lingua franca for young people and their...

Josh, please, you're a young man.

Is this common now just as a... "Hello, you look quite nice."

Click click. "Here you go. I'm just er..."

It's the standard form of address I'm told.

I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot, Dara,

but I can say that one of you has received a photo of me

-already this evening...

-Well.

..and when you all go back to your dressing rooms,

my cock is on your phone, Dara.

LAUGHTER

Well, that is, I mean, I thought it would be pre-loaded anyway

like the U2 album, but...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But that will be very exciting.

And people would be complaining about the space

it was taking up on their phones.

I hope you've got a 32-gig for this baby!

LAUGHTER

Do you think that wearing pyjamas is a generational thing as well?

-Do you wear pyjamas?

-No, I don't.

You were expecting me to say yes, weren't you? No, I don't.

I wear pyjamas, but just as a background for my dick pics.

What finished it for me on the pyjama front was not long ago,

we were sitting upstairs, before we had even gone to bed,

but ready for bed and heard the smashing of glass downstairs

and I ran downstairs...

Was it your missus had just seen the photo of Josh's knob on your phone?

Yes, she was smashing my iPhone to bits. "What is this penis?

"Flicking through your usual collection of penises,

"I found this new penis.

"This looks like Josh Widdicombe!"

My penis doesn't LOOK like me.

LAUGHTER

I would like to think that you put a tiny little curly wig on the top.

No, but a picture frame had fallen off the thing and had smashed

but it felt like somebody had broken into the house

and I feel it is much more impressive to run downstairs

like territorially defending your house in just a pair of pants,

"RAAAA!", rather than in a pair of pyjamas just saying,

"Dreadfully sorry. Sorry for er..."

The only way to confront an invader in your home is completely naked.

-Yeah.

-Semi erect.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, semi erect?

Full erect, too weird.

LAUGHTER

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the G20 leaders.

Oh, happy new year, Mr Cameron.

Of course, I'm the Canadian Prime Minister.

Mm, yes, Well, I know that. Have you made any New Year's resolutions?

Yeah, this year I'm going to make sure that everyone knows my name.

Don't be silly. Everybody already knows your name, Mr...um...

Mr...um.

Well, Angela, I realised here that the coffee would be shit,

yeah, so I went to Starbucks.

I got myself a vente cappuccino with a tea bag in it.

You see the thing is that people think we're dull

but they don't realise how many famous Canadians there are.

There's Mike Myers, Bryan Adams, Keanu Reeves.

Can I just stop you there? This is fascinating.

It's so fascinating I'm thinking of putting my head in an oven.

Yeah, well, the list is long.

Leonard Cohen, Chewbacca. He's a bear. Yeah, that's right.

And, another one, Celine Dion, would you believe it? Celine Dion.

Gosh, Celine Dion, how interesting.

That really is fascinating.

Well, welcome to this, the New Year G20 summit.

A big welcome to President Obama, and sitting next to him,

the man who hasn't slept for 1,000 years.

I am sure I've forgotten something. What have I forgotten?

Yes, Well, if I could remember, I wouldn't have forgotten it.

My children. Where are my children? What have I done with my children?

Oh gosh! I hope I've left them with Samantha.

Thinking of whom, I'll just pop in another Viagra.

That could come in useful later.

So just to reiterate, to qualify for second Meerkat toy,

you must invade Ukraine. That's it.

God, this is boring. Thank goodness for Radio Four.

THEME FROM THE ARCHERS: # Dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum

# Dum-de-dum-de-dum-dum. #

Just one more year and I'll be on a beach.

So, this is the photo call. This is great. Yeah. I'll stand here.

Hey, President Rousseff of Brazil. Thank you very much.

What a great year you provided us with that World Cup.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you, but if you want to see real ball skill,

-come to my room, 328.

-Thanks.

I may do that, yep.

I'm sorry I'm late everybody.

Alex Salmond locked me in the lavatory again, so...

Yes, here I come. Look at this.

This is a walk I call crazy cat walk. I learnt it from Arjen Robben.

Anyway, here's my resolution.

You will all smile or I will have you shot.

So, on the count of three. One, two, three, beautiful.

You've done it. Now get off my territories.

-Stop interfering in my business.

-Thank you very much, Hugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What might you see a Columbian carrying with them

-on New Year's Eve?

-A dead Peruvian.

-A Peruvian who could no longer walk.

-No, it's not a Peruvian.

-A kilo of cocaine.

-Not a kilo of cocaine, no.

-Two kilos of cocaine?

-No.

He's done all the cocaine. That's why he's so strong.

Nothing to do with cocaine.

They run with these things around the block in the hope...

Scissors, don't do that.

Is it something to do with Madonna? Is it something religious.

It's nothing religious, no.

-Is it deckchairs for a good view of the fireworks?

-No, it's not.

-Is it like a torch, a burning torch?

-It's not like a burning torch, no.

-It's to represent travel.

-Oh.

-Wheels?

-No.

-A car, a car.

-Not a car, no.

-A plane.

-No.

-Balloons.

A plane? They're running around. Not a boat or a plane.

Expedia vouchers.

LAUGHTER

-A Trunki?

-What?

-A Trunki?

-Close enough. Suitcase. That'll do.

APPLAUSE

-It's 2-1. Keep going.

-Why Trunki?

The child's thing that you bring to the airport.

-I was going to go wheelie suitcase.

-Wheelie suitcase?

This is the most fun I've ever had on Mock The Week.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, what has George Osborne asked the public to design?

Is it a plan for the economy?

No, it is not.

"Maaa, eeerrr!"

That's a really bad photo. "Eeeerh!"

-It's a new pound coin.

-Yes, it is a new pound coin.

It's a new pound coin, but, because it's such a big thing,

they're not going to decide before the referendum is over.

No, because that would be tomorrow morning.

It won't be anything provocative.

It'll just be the head of the Queen will have a speech bubble on it, and

coming out of the speech bubble it will just say, "Not for you, Jock!"

LAUGHTER

-It's like a thistle with a big 'X' over it, yeah.

-A big 'X', yeah.

They're not coming out for a few years yet.

Should we not just hedge our bets and put Charles on it just in case?

AUDIENCE GROANS

They're talking about designing pound coins.

They've been designing pound coins round my way for years.

20 for 15 quid if you're interested.

It should be something that reflects the status and value

of the pound coin, that's what the design should be.

So I think the design should probably have a picture of

a shopping trolley on it, and on the other side it should say token.

LAUGHTER

It's going to have the Queen's head on one side, isn't it?

Yes, that remains, I presume.

And obviously, every coin has a head and a tail, so if it's got the royal

head on one side, surely it should have a royal arse on the other side?

Prince Andrew, he'd fit the bill, wouldn't he?

They should bring back one pound notes.

That was much more fun. Everyone feels rich.

That was not in our lifetime.

No, but I had one out of currency, just cos I was like, "playa!"

-That was not in your lifetime?! What?

-No, I'm only young.

-Bloody hell, what, really?

-When did, when were you born?

-'86.

Yeah, it wasn't in your lifetime.

How long have we been doing this show?

I remember when it was like Rory Bremner and Frank.

-Who are these children?

-I don't know.

One day we'll be sitting in your seats telling people we met you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Knew him, back in the day.

Ah, you know.

-Yeah, we knew him, before the allegations.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, yeah.

-What has Gove said the schools must now promote?

-My new DVD.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, sorry, so he has to say British values.

-Can I try these on?

-Yeah, do.

-What has Gove said schools must promote?

-His new DVD.

-Say that again, sorry, say that again.

-His new DVD.

No, no, no, not you.

"Is that Pooh in the river?" said Eeyore.

Sorry...

We know where it's going, um...

"Yes," said Tigger, "And we're never holidaying in Newcastle again."

It was worth it.

Why is this man in the news this week?

It's the Prime Minister of our country, Dara.

This week's cleep...

Ah, fluffed it there, didn't I? "This week's cleeep."

I don't think you fluffed it so much...

This week's CLEEEP features the party leaders.

So what do you want to know about me? I like reading, cinema,

socialising with friends and a cheeky thumb up the arse.

-A cheeky what?

-Thumb.

Thumb up the arse. That's always funny, innit?

-How can a thumb up the arse not be funny?

-I don't know.

I can think of a lot of circumstances where it's not

-the least funny thing in the world, a thumb up the arse.

-Yeah, true.

Er..I've forgotten.

And the topic is Animals. Who wants to come in on that? Romesh?

There's no-one there.

LAUGHTER

How shit would you be in the cast of the new Star Wars film?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is a picture of David Cameron lobbying European leaders to

block the appointment of former Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude HUNKER

as the new President of the European Commission.

Oh, I've fucked it up again. It's JUNCKER, isn't it?

Fuck him and his stupid name.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, the Cabinet now is more Euro-sceptic,

but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.

LAUGHTER

I had a near Europe experience once

when I was on holiday in Kent.

I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.

In the end someone said, "Bonjour".

That's so unfair. I thought I led a good life.

LAUGHTER

You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Charlie couldn't believe he was being

allowed into the chocolate factory.

His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.

LAUGHTER

Final question, final question. Right, this is one I do know.

What do the Spanish try to fit in their mouths at midnight?

-Orange.

-No.

-It's 12 grapes.

-It IS 12 grapes.

-What?

-I've done it.

-Have you?

-You've done it?

On the gongs, you've got to do it on the gongs.

Exactly. Everyone in Spain does it.

You're supposed to make a wish as you do each one.

-Can you do it again?

-Are you going to do it now?

I can see what you've got down here. I can see where this is going.

-Pass them down, right.

-Oh, good.

-Is the wish you make that you don't choke?

-Yeah, that'll do.

I'm sorry, I've taken one of yours. that means I've got 13.

These are really quite big grapes as well. These are like figs.

-I'm betting none of us get more than three or four.

-Have we got gongs?

It's one on each bong and you get it in.

-OK, will the audience do the bongs then?

-No, we've prepared bongs.

He's gone early!

Take them out of your mouth!

Cheating. Your year is cursed now.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, do you know what?

As punishment, as punishment,

you have to do another 12 when we do the actual task

Dara, are you going to use the buzzer for the gongs?

I'm not going to use... Stop it!

LAUGHTER

OK.

We have to do... OK, grand.

LAUGHTER

Profoundly disrespectful to the people of Spain. Right.

There we go, right.

Against the bongs, you have to see how far you can get.

The Spaniards are very good at this.

You're not allowed to swallow any of them?

You do swallow them, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, it's not can you shove 12 grapes in your mouth.

-You eat them. You have to eat the grapes.

-Oh, that's easy!

I thought it was can you fit 12 grapes in your mouth?

No, that's not what it is, because that would be really easy.

-The challenge is can you eat 12 grapes in a row?

-Yes. Yes.

OK. Let's do this game.

-OK, let's go for the bongs, right.

-Yeah.

BONGS

BONGS CONTINUE

LAUGHTER

-This is too easy.

-Yeah.

Did you all do it?

There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Happy new year.

-Happy new year, everybody.

Can we do the Peruvian one now?

LAUGHTER

But surely if you go on a website that you shouldn't really be on,

you just delete history, don't you?

The tricky bit is not deleting history.

The tricky bit is then going on all the innocuous websites afterwards

so as it doesn't look like you've deleted history.

That's the tricky bit, isn't it?

History seems to be very empty in this computer,

-because I saw you on it all evening yesterday.

-Yeah.

I never touched the delete history.

Private browsing, Andy, private browsing.

My favourite member of the Army Corp, Private Browsing.

Good afternoon, Private Browsing. Are you on duty again?

"I certainly am, Dara.

"I shall be protecting you from any inappropriate sites.

"Private Browsing reporting for duty.

"Pants down, Private Browsing is here!"

I should protect your browsing while you shop for gifts for your wife

because that is apparently what Private Browsing was invented for.

I love that. "Oh, I've got private browsing on

"because I'm shopping for some gifts for my wife."

Oh, really? You seem to be buying her pornography!

Are you sure this is a gift she particularly wants?

"Private Browsing, reporting for duty."

She told me that her favourite film as a child

was "Double Fist and Piss".

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry.

Private Browsing isn't happy.

Private Browsing has never had to work under these conditions before.

He's mainly used for shopping for gifts.

Private Browsing is retraining as an electrician.

Why did you leave the army? "Oh, the things I saw!"

"Oh, I saw some things. I saw some things in the army."

You weren't there, man!

"You weren't there, you weren't there!

"You didn't see what I saw!"

The first casualty of war, my friend.

When you're Private Browsing, the first casualty of war is innocence.

Private Browsing. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know why I'm doing it like Benny Hill.

"Private Browsing at your service, madam."

No, it would be like, that paper clip that would appear.

It looks like you're buying some pornography!

Do you want some help with that?

A small animated soldier comes out and says,

"Do you want to look at some porn?"

"Private Browsing can help you with that."

I'm amusing myself here.

It's the last record of a long summer, you know.

Literally, I've got to enjoy this,

because in three days' time I'll be going,

"Over the next 12 weeks, 20 candidates will be putting

"themselves in front of Sir Alan Sugar."

Private Browsing is going to get some visits.

He is going to get some fucking hammering.

LAUGHTER

I think your penis is going to get some CORPORAL punishment.

There'll be some MAJOR damage.

And GENERAL recklessness.

What new trend... And Colonel Abrams.

LAUGHTER

That was it.

Colonel Abrams?!

Sorry, we'll bring it back.

Lost it.

Colonel Abrams was great, though.

Do any of you even remember Colonel Abrams?

Anyway, he sang a song called Trapped. It was really good.

# I can't get out, I'm trapped like a fool I'm in a cage. #

"I'm like a man in a cage

# I'm so in love with you, love with you, love with you. #

LAUGHTER

Sorry, would you like me to carry on with the show?

So, yeah, whenever.

HE LAUGHS

You boys have got a shared past we can only imagine about.

OK, the next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear At New Year.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Oh, and some prawn crackers, thanks.

LAUGHTER

My new year's resolution is to try new and interesting ways

of doing things.

That's why I'm stirring the punch with my cock.

LAUGHTER

I've just had a glass of this punch.

LAUGHTER

My prediction for this year is that I will make a high pitched sound,

there will be a buzzing noise and then I will die.

HE MAKES A HIGHPITCHED SOUND

BUZZER SOUNDS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I'd murder a bit of turkey.

LAUGHTER

Happy new year! I'm so glad you're here.

I want a divorce.

Now it's time for Big Ben.

I'll put the music on. Ben, get your kecks off.

LAUGHTER

Welcome to Hooternanny!

The topless bar for the gentleman who prefers the older lady.

LAUGHTER

Of course I can stay up till 12.

I'll just have another Viagra.

LAUGHTER

Last new year's party really ended with a bang for me

when I drunkenly mistook a party popper for a tampon.

LAUGHTER

OK, the next topic is Commercials That Never Made It To Air.

Yorkshire Tea. The taste of Yorkshire...

bitter.

LAUGHTER

We've got surprises in store.

The escalator's broken and the staff know fuck all.

LAUGHTER

Dignitas - it's not au revoir.

LAUGHTER

Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life?

Next time use Durex.

If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us

and we'll burn their shop down.

LAUGHTER

The DFS sale has ended.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work?

Well, that's your look out, isn't it, hmm?

The Dyson hand-dryer.

The perfect way to drown out the sound of somebody having a shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Papa, papa?

No, I'm sorry Nicole, we've lost him.

LAUGHTER

Buy Lidl wine, because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.

But what if the worst happens?

Who gives a shit? You'll be dead.

LAUGHTER

News International.

When you talk, we listen.

No, no, that is the thing.

I DID go to Specsavers.

LAUGHTER

Milk. Try and forget it came out of a cow's tits.

Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product?

Have you paid for advertising space until the end of the World Cup?

Then you may be entitled to compensation.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have a happy new year from this team. Happy new year?

-Happy New Year!

-Bleurgh!

LAUGHTER

From this side...

-SOLEMNLY:

-Happy New Year.

LAUGHTER

Happy new year. That's all from Mock the Week.

Thank you very much. See you in 2015.