Christmas Special Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it, read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world

# Read all about it, read all about it

# News of the world, news of the world. #

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. Welcome to Christmas, with me, your Uncle Dara.

This year, we wanted to make Mock The Week extra special,

so we thought about top celebrity guests,

spectacular firework displays, and live music.

However, that stuff costs money.

So we just went for the usual collection of outtakes,

new stuff and best bits.

It'll be great, you can trust your Uncle Dara.

What do you think? Yeah.

Is that too creepy is it? That is too creepy, isn't it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Ed, which category would you like?

Sport, please.

OK, the category is Sport, and the answer is 33.

What is the question?

Is it how many pages in a Game of Thrones scripts are just

the word "tits" in massive letters?

Is it what is the emoticon for two women in a queue?

Is it the number of women I slept with in my 20s, plus 32?

Is it how many children you have to have

to qualify for a family ticket at Mormon Center Parcs?

APPLAUSE

Is it at what age did I finally accept that

I would never play the Milky Bar Kid?

-Did you really want to do that?

-Another dream dies.

-I've got three years to go.

-Finally accepted it.

How many cans of Fosters can you drink and still be below,

under the limit? How can... That doesn't...

I don't know. How many have you had, like?

That's the way you wouldn't want to say it

if you'd actually been stopped by the police.

"How much have you had to drink?"

"Well, how many Fosters can you have,

-"and be under the limit, actually?"

-"I think you'll find I am below under the limit.

"NOT above.

"Aaaah."

Is it after how many miles did one of the Proclaimers ask

if they were nearly there yet?

APPLAUSE

Surely they'd go, "Why are we both going?

"You're the only one who's going to shag her,

"why am I joining you on this 500-mile journey?"

"You promised me she had a friend. Is that right?"

Is it if a minicab says that it's five minutes away,

-how many minutes...

-LOUD BANG

Oh!

Don't talk bad about Uber.

APPLAUSE

Well, the minicab industry has long fingers, hasn't it?

I think we've all learned that today.

APPLAUSE

And little bits of glass.

Well, from now on I'm taking a black cab.

APPLAUSE

To be fair, there is a little bit of glass, look, a tiny bit there.

-Oh, really?

-Sue! Injuries at work!

-Oh, my God!

"Have you been injured at work?"

You've probably been the voiceover for those ads,

why don't you ask yourself?

LAUGHTER

"I had 33 Fosters, and then the light exploded!"

I'm going to check with you, what do you think?

-BEHIND CAMERA:

-They're happy.

-They're happy? Oh, THEY'RE happy!

-Well, fine! Oh, grand!

-Oh, that's all right!

-Oh, brilliant, yeah!

-We'll just carry on!

That's so easy for YOU to say! Oh, right, OK.

We're being shelled here!

Is it how many people are going to be sacked after that light exploded?

APPLAUSE

Welcome to this year's Christmas Quiz.

Yes, I know, I know. APPLAUSE

We have... Oh, wait, sorry, hang on, I'll need to make it more special.

Hang on. There. How's that? That's good, isn't it?

-Wait, does that... That's not going to last.

-I like the shoes.

The shoes are good, aren't they? And this, I spent ages on this.

This is... There we go, look at that.

It looks like wraps of heroin stuck on a tree.

There will be a very happy Christmas round my house, thank you very much.

What have you got in your stocking? A spoon and a lighter?

OK, here's the question. In Catalonia, in Spain,

nativity scenes often feature a rogue figure who is doing what?

-Having a kip?

-No.

Drawing a moustache on the sleeping baby Jesus.

No, but that would be quite great.

-Bullfighting! Not bullfighting, no.

-It's Spain, isn't it?

Yeah, but not in the middle of... The nativity scene is not IN Spain.

They do accept that that's not happening in Spain.

Is he holding people hostage and arguing for Catalan independence?

He's not. He's not doing that, no.

Is he doing a little poo?

-Yes, he's doing a poo, well done, Rob, you're absolutely right.

-What?!

Give Rob a round of applause. Well done, Rob, points to you.

APPLAUSE

The great thing about that is

Rob has tried to answer a question like that for many years.

That's the first one he's got right.

That's my, my default answer is, "Is he doing a poo?"

And that's the only time it's worked out for me.

It dates back to the early 18th century, The Shitter, he's known.

He symbolises fertilising the ground,

and he's in the nativity scene, the corner of the nativity scene.

I thought that I had a bad role in my school nativity play.

But that is the one you don't want to draw, isn't it?

"Not again! Can I at least be an angel this time?"

Has anybody noticed Dara's eye, by the way? Is it off-putting?

Do you think the people at home will be concerned?

-What has happened?

-It's just a little stye in there, and it's got infected...

Is that really it?

-No, it's a...

-Has Brian Cox been beating you again?

"Look into the telescope," he said, "Look hard into the telescope."

-And he bruised my eye ramming it in.

-Boosh!

"Yeah, go on, look at that! "Ha-ha, that'll hurt you."

"That's my good eye, Brian, that's my good eye!"

He's just trying to turn you into Patrick Moore.

LAUGHTER

They were so worried, they gave me an eye patch.

Thought like this would be...

Because this would be much more subtle, if I wear that.

If I presented the entire show like that,

cos I've got a tiny infection in the eye.

To be fair, I have...

Do you know, I have a secret desire to have an eye patch.

I don't want to ever lose an eye.

Like, that's not how much I want to have an eye patch,

but I think they're cool.

And there's something massively impressive.

Cos a guy with an eye patch, shit has happened.

Cos also you can do this...

(Sexy!)

It's like the final part of undressing in a sexy way,

would be to take off the eye patch, and thwack.

You could've taken my eye out.

What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?

-Oh...

-Dead seagull?

LAUGHTER

Have you ruined the surprise?

You are the worst Secret Santa ever.

MAKES DISTRESSED SEAGULL NOISES "Kill it the first time, for God's sake, kill it."

I think it's... I think it's actually sperm, isn't it?

-It is sperm, yes, it is sperm, yeah.

-But this...

That is not an unusual gift.

APPLAUSE

Horrific return policy.

APPLAUSE

"You said 14 days." AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, you've lowered the tone, Dara!

-What?! How have

-I

-ruined it?!

But why is this... What is this a story about?

Because there's a British sperm bank, which, its owner,

since it's been set up - I don't know how long it's been set up,

it's a while, it's like a year and a half or something.

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's only had nine donors.

Yes. Why has it only had...?

I'm wondering who the other eight are.

Do you not all meet up?

I presume if there's nine donors, it's got to meet up every,

well, every Christmas and New Year and go, oh, swap stories, and...

Not for biscuits, though.

AUDIENCE GROANS

This is that there's a certain type of sperm that can withstand

the freezing process, and they call it Superman Sperm.

When really that should be Han Solo sperm.

That is a niche reference,

but three nerds just fell in love with me.

You get paid 35 quid, and they were saying,

well, they could up the money to get more donors,

but they don't want people just doing it for the money.

Oh, THAT'S what you want, though,

people just doing it for the love of it, then, do you?

"I want to give something back to this game, you know what I mean?

"Yeah, my dad was a sperm donor, my grandad was a sperm donor,

"we've got a long line of sperm donors, yeah."

-Is it 35 quid for the whole lot, or 35 quid per sperm?

-No.

Because I could be up, I could be maybe 160 quid.

There could be somebody watching this as a Christmas Special

who'd forgotten to give somebody a present and thought,

"Brilliant! Now! I can do it...!"

"I'll knock that up in a couple of days. It'll be fine."

That's difficult at Christmas,

-because you're using the turkey baster already, aren't you?

-AUDIENCE GROANS

No, there is... But it's actually,

they've had a number of people attempt to be sperm donors,

they need regular sperm donations, but it's difficult,

because they have to be frozen, then transferred,

the sperm has to have a very high motility, a very high strength.

-But it's not very difficult to be the donor?

-No, it is, it's hard to qualify...

-In many ways it's the easiest job in the world.

-In many, yes.

Well, no, because you've got to go in, haven't you? Into the bank.

I don't know about anyone else, I do most of my banking online now, so...

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Newsreel.

We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.

-AS CHARLES:

-Ha-ha-ha - oh, God, I hate Christmas parties.

Oh, no, things are looking up. Girl on girl. Ha-ha.

What's round this corner?

Oh, Joanna Lumley, I'd love to show you something absolutely fabulous!

-AS CAMILLA, VERY DEEP VOICE:

-Have you got a fag?

So, what is this? This is... It's a present, is it? How lovely.

What is it, a transparent rhinoceros?

Well, I tell you what, you have quite literally given me the horn.

Well, no, happy Christmas to both of you.

I'm much more interested in Joanna.

Joanna, I've got use of a private room, if you're interested?

Oh, God, Charles is flirting again.

I'm just popping upstairs for a few moments, Joanna.

Room 232 on the 1st floor.

I've got an old Gurkha you might be interested in.

Why were you so long?

I'm so sorry, I was trying to get Joanna

interested in some of my organic produce, but nothing doing.

What the fuck is this?!

I'm the Prince of Wales!

Oh, well, I suppose it's green. Oh, never mind.

Where's the handbook? Oh, that's interesting.

This is all electric,

but its emissions are still higher than a Volkswagen.

Merry Christmas!

Thank you very much, Hugh. APPLAUSE

One thing you're supposed to do,

if you've got, like, a stye or something,

you're supposed to put a warm compress on.

Which is actually a painful thing,

you get a cloth and you get it all wet, ugh.

And then you're doing this, because the water's running everywhere.

I found the perfect thing if you want a warm compress,

something that will just sit warm, moulded on your eye, is a burrito.

The burrito is the perfect eye cure, because it's warm,

-it stays warm for some time.

-Oh, my God!

It moulds to the shape that you're putting it onto.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Anything in it?

No, not... It's not an open burrito, Ed! Wrapped in the stuff, right?

Wrapped in the tinfoily thing, you get it, you put it on,

and you can do it for as long as you want and then...

Were you sat in Chipotle, like that?

I went into one of those Mexican places and just sat there going,

COD MEXICAN ACCENT: "Just give me whatever you want."

And I went, "This is what I want this for."

And they said, "Why are you doing that voice?"

I have no idea why I did that voice.

"Get out of here, you're mocking me!

"You don't see me going into an Irish bar going,

"'Ho-ho, give us a pint of Guinness.'"

Was the burrito the first port of call,

or were you doing all the different food types?

Going into Pizza Express, "This isn't working for me."

No, first I tried ramming a plate of nachos into my eye,

and I thought, "This does NOT work."

And then, "Shall I try the taquitos instead?"

And at what point do you think it became infected?

APPLAUSE

If you listen closely, you can hear, SINGS MEXICAN TUNE

"Merry Christmas, everybody."

What have scientists in America created recently?

They've connected together monkeys and rats to make super-brains.

Monkeys and monkeys and rats and rats, they've not taken one of each, yeah.

-Yes, it's not a mix together.

-That would be incredible, though.

-"Monkey Rat is here!"

Yeah, what we've got here is a runkey, and it's...

That's like a racial slur.

But there's a science thing where they want to connect monkeys

and create a giant monkey, but a man is living a prequel.

This man's entire life is the five-minute bit

at a film before it cuts to, "30 years later..."

And there's, like, a giant monkey brain going, "Waaagh!"

And the four remaining humans are fighting their way out,

-like they... But, yes. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-As long as there's no runkey business!

"As long as there's no monkey business,"

shouts somebody out from the audience. That's very good.

Wow, between light bulbs and heckling,

this is turning into the most interactive episode we've ever had.

I must say I actually quite like that, can I just have that?

-Yeah, take it, it's grand.

-As long as there's no...

Showbiz rules, pet, it's tough, you know. What was that?

As long as there's no monkey business!

Touche, Romesh, yeah. APPLAUSE

You've learned a cruel lesson there.

-She actually said runkey business.

-Did she say runkey?

-She said runkey, you did it wrong.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Runkey!

-Oh, OK, right.

-Oh, shut up!

LAUGHTER

Here is a picture of Prince Harry with his brother William.

What's going on here?

Is that what Ron, Harry and Hermione will look like in ten years?

Is it three of the least posh people at the rugby match?

Is he singing, "Swing low, eight liveried footmen,

"coming for to carry me home?"

My favourite person in the whole picture is the guy in front of Kate.

Everyone else is really getting into the game.

That guy there is just remembering a woman he once loved.

APPLAUSE

Anyone know what the answer is?

Basically, they're playing Paloma Faith and he's shouting,

"Shut the fuck up."

There's that big rivalry between the two of them, apparently,

cos they're both brothers.

I think we can all relate to that. We can all relate to it.

I have a massive rivalry with Prince William.

-Why don't you get on with him?

-He started it, mate, he's a dick.

Don't ask me. I'm quite nice to him.

Where did you meet him?

Where?

-Lidl.

-Lidl?

You can pretty much find anything in Lidl.

Including the future King of England.

He was...he was next to a Polly Pocket and a waffle machine.

-And...

-Was this Lidl in the '80s?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Polly Pocket and a waffle machine!

Yeah, Polly Pocket, a waffle maker...

Wham were playing, or what?

Prince William and some raisins, and I said...

Sorry, you sound like someone at the end of the Generation Game failing to remember the items.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Was there a cuddly toy knocking about?

We apparently have to move on.

LAUGHTER

But I was flying!

LAUGHTER

-He was in mid-flow!

-I know, I'm sorry. It was...

Tell them you just trust me, I'm building up to something.

I'm watching a man... APPLAUSE

What toy will my kids be finding under the Christmas tree?

I don't want to give it away in case my kids are watching.

-That would be really bad, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

This is the current trend, let me see if I can get that lined up

so we get it exactly right. This is Freddy.

And Freddy is a programmable bear that you can get at Christmas.

-And...

-Just like a real bear, it's programmable.

-Yeah.

-BEAR:

-'Everyone likes a good hug.'

Do they now?

'Give me a hug.'

-No. That's a bit needy.

-'I love bear hugs.'

BEAR LAUGHS WITH CHILD'S VOICE

Isn't that the creepiest, weirdest...

Laughs with a different voice to the voice it talks with.

Brought to you by the people who brought you the Blair Witch Project.

It's a bit distant, I feel. A bit not fully committed, but you can programme it

with phrases, which apparently they've programmed for you.

'It's so very nice to see you again, Dara.'

"It's so very nice to you see you."

That's like something Vincent Price would say in a horror film.

'Hello, my friend Dara.'

Can you make it say, "It puts the lotion in the basket?"

APPLAUSE

'You really like to star-gaze with Brian Cox.

'What else do you like about the park?'

All right, you're creepy now, you're really freaking me out.

-You know stuff about me.

-'This is a great day, Dara.

'We are going to have such fun together.

'It's great to have a friend like you to talk to.'

Oh, that's so depressing.

No. That makes me want to cry.

I wish I'd never done the voiceover for it now.

But where are these phrases supposed to be coming from, then?

-Well, I think...

-"Don't turn me off, Dara. If you turn me off,

"I'll become more powerful than you can ever imagine..."

At the back, you can do one of the settings and change it, let's see what this is.

This would be an incredible burglar alarm.

Imagine breaking into someone's house

and then that's sitting at the top of the stairs saying, "Hello...

"Why are you in my house? I died in 1834."

Dara, can you use its hair to see what you would look like

-with a wispy, blonde beard?

-You mean like this?

-That's lovely.

-It's nice, isn't it, yeah.

'I know you like to eat, too.'

What?! LAUGHTER

-It totally said, "I would like to eat you."

-It totally DID say, "I would like to eat you."

I am really freaked out by the bear now.

'Cider is one of my favourites, too.'

"Cider is one of my favourite drinks?"

'..great friends together.'

No, we're not having a pint of cider together,

you threatened to eat me a second ago.

-'I like cider.'

-You like cider? THE BEAR LAUGHS

Arrgh!

But it still laughs like a Japanese schoolgirl.

Perfectly calibrated for being freaky, this is...

'Someone told me you like to wear tiny hats.'

LAUGHTER

Someone told me you like what?

Someone told me you like to wear tiny hats.

-Is that a euphemism for a condom?

-LAUGHTER

No!

How has internet pornography been put to good use recently?

This is the tortoise, isn't it?

-It's a tortoise, yes.

-The tortoise, this tortoise went...

-Well, two tortoises made a run for it.

-Yeah.

One of them returned very soon, but the other one had gone walkabout,

-they weren't sure where it was.

-Yeah.

So this family, the kids suggested that they play some,

this YouTube clip of two tortoises like, going at it.

And then they, the sounds, they played the sounds into the garden,

and then eventually this tortoise came back.

The family decided to play tortoise...

There's things on YouTube, like, nature, documentary-type footage of tortoises making lurve.

-And...

-Making sweet, sweet, wrinkly lurve.

Slow, slow, careful, precarious lurve.

-And we can show you a small clip.

-Yes! This is it!

You'll see some scenes of quite serious tortoise on tortoise action.

The man tortoise gets quite excited, and then you'll see

the response of the lady tortoise, which is quite beautiful.

Let's have a look at some beautiful images of tortoises at love.

LABOURED WHEEZING

Ugh...

What end's that?

APPLAUSE

I know that that's tortoises, I know that that's tortoises,

but can you see what it's like from our point of view now?

LAUGHTER

And they are joking, "Could you link it to Christmas?"

What?

Could the tortoises have been banging at Christmas?

"The tortoises, which were a Christmas present..."

-There you are.

-Oh, yes, you're right, yeah.

Because there's nothing you like more than having to show

pornography to your Christmas present to get it back.

"Oh, Mum, I've lost me Transformers doll."

"Oh, Optimus Prime!

"Watch me transform again."

"Oh, is that an exhaust pipe?" "Sort of."

Don't put the tortoise up again! With his weird eyes.

# We wish you a merry Christmas we wish you a merry Christmas... #

And a haaaaa-appy New Year!

But who's going to turn on the TV at Christmas

and just see Romesh's Christmas spirit face? Look at that.

APPLAUSE

He loves Christmas, this one.

I'm just waiting when you're going to do a fucking Diwali special, mate, that's why.

APPLAUSE

Is that the Festival of the Light?

We've had a bit of a festival of the light ourselves, haven't we?

LAUGHTER

What has become a Christmas tradition for vandals

in the Swedish town of Gavle?

-Christmassy vandalism.

-Christmassy vandalism, we're getting close.

I'll give you a clue, it's to do with a 42-foot high

straw goat that's in the town square.

-They burn it.

-Setting fire to the goat.

-Cremate it.

They burn it down - you got in slightly before him -

they burn it down. And they burn it down EVERY YEAR, they burn it.

It started in 1966, and it got burnt down.

And the guy who paid for it, like, a local businessman,

got all his money back on insurance.

1969, burnt down. 1970, burnt down.

1972, the goat collapsed because of sabotage.

Every year they rebuild the straw goat. 1974, burnt down.

1976, hit by a car.

'78, kicked to pieces, '79 burnt before it was even put up.

'83, burnt down, '84, burnt down.

'87, a heavily fire-proofed goat was built.

It got burnt down a week before Christmas.

'89, burnt down.

'91, burnt down on Christmas Eve, then moved to Stockholm,

burnt down again.

'92, burnt down eight days after it was built.

There are two goats now

and the second one got burnt down three days later.

Every year... And they don't want it to happen!

They put web cameras on it, they send the army around it.

2001, it was set on fire, the 23rd of December by Laurence Jones,

a 51-year-old visitor from Cleveland, Ohio.

Jones stated in court, he was no goat burner, but believed

he was taking part in a completely legal goat-burning tradition.

2003, burnt down. 2004, burnt down, 2001, like, whatever.

2002, was burnt by vandals dressed as Santa and the Gingerbread Man,

who fired a flaming arrow at it at 9pm on the 3rd of December.

2011, the firefighters of Gavle sprayed the goat with water

to create a coating of ice in the hope of protecting it from arson.

The goat was burnt down.

2013, the straw used to build the goat was soaked in anti-flammable

liquid to prevent it from burning in the event of an arson attack.

The inauguration took place on the 1st of December.

On the 21st of December, the goat was burnt down.

APPLAUSE

Last year, three attempts at arson were made,

but the goat survived and was dismantled on 29th December. CHEERING

-The Gavle goat.

-And that is the Christmas episode, goodnight.

-Has anyone ever made a doll of you for Christmas?

-Oh, you...

-Because now I think there would be.

-They would, yeah.

-It would be really good.

-Not even a bobblehead, just an entire bobble,

-just bobbing me and I'm bobbing.

-Could be a Russian doll.

There would be another smaller one inside of me, all bobbing.

A smaller one and then a smaller one inside that and so on.

-Yes.

-Yeah. I think you'd be the right sort of shape for that.

-What?!

-I don't mean it.

-That was nice!

-There was no way to say, "You're the right shape to be a Russian doll."

-You were saying, "You fat prick,

"you look so big there's probably another person inside of you." LAUGHTER

# One singular sensation... #

All right. APPLAUSE

These are allegations that have been made about Sepp Blatter, but he has denied them all.

LAUGHTER

In other news, what type of unusual theme park did

President Vladimir Putin open recently?

-I'm sorry about the Russian doll thing, Dara.

-Just let it go.

Stop doing that!

Oh, no, no, no!

Do not damage the magical Christmas...

Arrrggghhh! CHEERING

OK, how has the behaviour of Western tourists upset

people in Malaysia recently?

-Erm, well, I've got...

-LAUGHTER

You saw that, didn't you? You saw the way I obviously didn't go

straight to the only remaining person.

LAUGHTER

This is the br...bll... Oh, bollocks!

Oh, I'm back!

This is the Bruce... Argh!

APPLAUSE

Hey, hey, hey!

There's really good heroin on this, don't knock the tree down.

Oh, look, it's snowing.

CHEERING

We win!

Our next round is called Newsreel.

Hang on. HE SNIFFS AND COUGHS

Sorry, sorry. AUDIENCE GROANS

I've got a cold, all right? Jesus!

Oh, you're all so much better than me,

you've never had a cold, right?!

Obama versus Putin, let the lip-sync... Fucking hell!

LAUGHTER

What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?

That's right, jizz!

LAUGHTER

Sorry, can anyone tell me why, you know,

sperm would be a Christmassy thing?

Because it is Christmassy, you can write on the windows with it...

APPLAUSE

-Put it on again.

-Put it on again?

-The eye patch, put it on again.

-Again?

-Go on.

"Oh, you look funny, you look funny.

"Do the thing where you look funny again."

You know when they made you look like the guy off the back

of a fucking bus, and for three years everyone sends you

photographs of a cartoon man on the back of the bus?

Every day on Twitter, "Hey, Dara, I saw you in Manchester today."

"Huh?" Click. "Oh, bollocks, that's the man on the back of the bus again."

Do that with an eye patch, and then for years every

eye patch person in the universe, I will get sent him on Twitter.

Happy? There. I think on my nose, is that all right?

Is that all right? Oh, I hurt my nose.

So I'll just... Oh, wow, it looks like I'm wearing a G-string.

If the marketing people are clever, that bloke on the back

of the Megabus is going to have an eye patch by next week.

APPLAUSE

The next topic is, Unlikely Things To Hear At Christmas.

I don't care how many presents he's left,

there's reindeer shit all over the roof!

BUZZER

Look at those shiny red baubles.

Welcome to the Embarrassing Bodies Christmas Special.

BUZZER

Well, I didn't know what size you were, so I just had to guess.

There you go. Your first packet of condoms.

BUZZER

And now on BBC One, the Queen's Speech,

which contains scenes of a sexual nature.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

A crib full of straw?

No, I asked to see the manager.

BUZZER

I thought if I cut the legs off the turkey,

I'd be able to get it into the roasting tray easier,

but, if anything, it just made it flap about even more!

BUZZER

Mmm! It's lovely to have venison for a change.

Santa, how are you getting home?

BUZZER

Well, take a skewer and shove it into a meaty bit of the thigh,

and if she screams, Granny's asleep, not dead.

BUZZER

Oh!

Sorry, Tiny Tim.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

OK, and then David Cameron leaves the room

and the pig head winks, smiles and blows a little kiss.

And that is my idea for the new John Lewis ad.

BUZZER

These sprouts are from Germany.

They lied about the emissions again.

BUZZER

So do you mean I need batteries for all of these?

That's the last time I go Ann Summers for Christmas!

BUZZER

No, no, no - I didn't PUT a penny in the Christmas pudding,

I SPENT a penny in the Christmas pudding.

BUZZER

"Vorderman, Smillie, McGiffin?"

No, Reverend, this is not what I meant when I said,

"Which carols do you want to do?"

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

Don't look at me like that, don't, no.

No, you'll go back in the box. No, don't do sad, don't do sad.

No, no, don't do sad.

It doesn't look like it's "sad" he's doing, Dara.

LAUGHTER

He really did want to eat you, didn't he?

Merry Christmas, everybody.