Episode 7 Mock the Week

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain.

Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan

and Ed Gamble,

Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdecombe.

APPLAUSE

We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So here's a picture of the four Labour leadership hopefuls.

What's going on here?

Is it AshleyMadison.com relaunches with hip new image?

Is it a new band called No Direction?

Is it a game of shag, marry, avoid...

help across the road?

Is it a photographer saying,

"Could everyone with dark hair please smile like a murderer"?

Is it a charity appeal?

Like, "For £3 a month you could buy these deluded fools

"fresh water and false hope"?

Is Yvette Cooper saying, "No, I'm sorry, I haven't got any change."

LAUGHTER

I think the helicopter that takes them away

is going to be too small if it has to land on that H.

Maybe it's actually... It's Steps reformed

and H couldn't turn up so they just put him on the sign.

APPLAUSE

That'll be it.

Is it a photograph of two sisters and their brother,

but when they came to develop it

there was actually an image of their long-dead grandfather?

Interestingly, Corbyn is on the far right, there,

which is the last time we'll ever say that.

This is Liz Kendall, Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Jeremy Corbyn,

who have all been campaigning to become Labour's next leader,

the results of which will be announced on Saturday

and thus end this, please, this three-month-long...

It feels like we've been doing this since Corbyn was young!

Can I tell you what it looks like?

It looks like Jack Whitehall in about 50 years' time.

They're calling it Corbynmania.

But you can't just put mania at the end of a word

and think that it means something.

Like Beatlemania,

that was when they played to 55,000 people in Shea Stadium.

Corbynmania is 1,100 bored pensioners in Norfolk.

He's rebelled, hasn't he, against the Labour leadership 500 times?

Over 500 times.

If he does become Labour leader,

there must be a very good chance

if somebody votes against the Labour leadership,

it is in fact going to be him.

The Chief Whip will be going to his own party leader going,

"Could you please vote with the party once!"

You say he's left wing but he's got size ten feet,

which is a massive Corbyn footprint.

APPLAUSE

ED: People are just ganging up on him, though.

So I think what people are underestimating

is the fact that the British public love an underdog.

So if we could, we would vote for the Jamaican bobsleigh team.

So Jeremy Corbyn's no problem.

Well, that's what Alastair Campbell said, wasn't it?

That he's the Susan Boyle of the situation. But that...

That's A, unfair on Susan Boyle.

She had very different views on Trident.

And B... LAUGHTER

And B, like, she had a lot tougher opposition.

He would lose to Pudsey the dog.

-If you went...

-Isn't Pudsey a bear?

Get your finger on the pulse, Grandad!

LAUGHTER

It's just that I like Children In Need, mate.

Pudsey became a dog in 2012.

It's not an insult to call someone Susan Boyle either.

Cos she surprised everyone by being excellent at her job.

So that's... LAUGHTER

I think the reason he's winning isn't because he's good,

it's because the opposition is so boring.

Andy Burnham looks like...

Have you ever edited yourself as a football player

on Pro Evolution Soccer?

You know the base player you start with,

that's just the most generic human in the world?

That's Andy Burnham.

He looks like someone who would

get to the sixth week of The Apprentice

cos you hadn't noticed him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-And then...

-And I have spent all those weeks

really dreading the one where

we have to interview Andy Burnham for half an hour.

And he'd become team leader

and get kilograms and ounces mixed up

and that'd be it.

So, Andy, did you enjoy the process?

I think when he loses he should get a wheelie suitcase and walk out.

Andy Burnham was also very popular with the right wing,

wasn't he, until they realised it was just his surname

and not his policy on immigration.

By the way, I want to thank whoever from the production company

left the disk for a Philips monitor users' manual on my desk

for me to see during the show. This is really handy.

I'll upload that as the show proceeds.

Genuinely! It's in two languages. In Japanese as well!

Oh, it comes with the monitor drivers

and the smart control software.

Lovely, ching ching!

Does that mean that we've recorded none of this so far?

In other news, what has Bob Geldof offered to do this week?

Well, he's offered to have refugees stay in his homes.

If you stay with Geldof,

do you have to be polite about his music?

Because if I was, like, a refugee and I moved in with Bob Geldof

and then first morning he came down and said, "I've written a new song,"

I'd say, "I'll take my chances in Calais."

LAUGHTER

It's going to make Geldof easier

to guess on Through The Keyhole, isn't it?

Imagine living with Geldof. You cut yourself,

next thing there's a massive rock concert in the back garden.

No, no, when I said Band-Aid...

And others have also joined in this and offered their homes.

It's happening a lot across the country.

-Nicola Sturgeon has offered, hasn't she?

-Yes.

Yvette Cooper has offered. But she's very good with the downtrodden.

She already has an unemployed man living in her house.

The people are from Syria, they are... They're desperate

and then they're trying to improve their chances

by turning up in Greece.

That's like trying to improve your IQ by watching ITV2, isn't it?

You're wondering how many of the Greeks

are actually going to try and get into Germany

by pretending to be Syrians.

That's the thing, the whole thing has pointed out how much better

the European train system is, doesn't it?

You can get a train, you can go Montenegro...

That's the main lesson, I think,

we've all taken from this, the largest...

It's not the main lesson at all, but you can get to Munich

in a couple of days. Over here, you would have reporters on the scene

going, "These migrants cannot understand that you can't use

"an off-peak saver ticket to get to Waterloo..."

Well, congratulations to the Germans, but I'm going to say it,

historically, I've never forgiven them for...

No! Do you remember Frank Lampard's goal in the 2010 World Cup?

That was way over the line! No way does this outweigh that!

You mean 800,000...

No wonder they're trying to be the good guys of Europe!

You think this whole... Taking in 800,000 refugees...

It would have made it 2-2, Dara!

Maybe that's it, Josh, that Germany is getting World Cup points

for each Syrian that they let in.

I've already got a fiver on a German Syrian to win Eurovision.

I just like the narrative.

Germany won the World Cup and the team was partly Turkish as well.

This thing does work in sport.

Mo Farah, anyone? There is another...

A migrant came over here...

They will bolster your sporting chances, lads.

Mo Farah is a Somalian who acquires gold ON land.

Nothing I don't like about him.

I never thought I'd say this,

but part of me wishes Hitler was still alive.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Wow! This is... Let us just savour the moment of build-up here.

I want to know what's coming afterward.

That's where they're going to edit that.

So, that's the end of the round...

No, because imagine his face, how livid he'd be.

This is the ultimate victory over Hitler.

Oh, I see what you mean, sorry. Not that Hitler is alive

-and still in charge of the Third Reich...

-No!

Hitler is in a retirement home somewhere, going...

HE SPEAKS GERMAN ANGRILY

..while his Turkish nurse goes, "Adolf, sit down."

-"English!"

-HE SPEAKS GERMAN

That was a long journey for me to set you up for your trademark impression.

Thank you very much.

Always happy to throw in my little old man Hitler.

SPEAKS GERMAN

"Eva, I miss you!"

Hitler meets a Mexican!

I can do that dialect.

# Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

"Was ist das?!"

Everyone is coming north rather than...

They're in the middle of the Middle East.

Fingers have been pointed at rich Middle East countries going,

"Why aren't they...?" They're taking no-one at all.

Well, you know, the United Arab Emirates can't

because they spent all their money on Raheem Sterling.

Lebanon has got 1.2 million, Jordan has got a million.

Not that Jordan, obviously that would be a hell of an episode

of What Katie Did Next.

She has the land, for God's sake! They could ride horses.

"I'm meant to be at a photo shoot,

"but I've got 1.2 million migrants in my stable."

Yes. Oh, my God! Hilariously, my monitor just stopped working.

If only we had the instruction disk for a monitor.

At the end of the round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.

Now we play a round called

My Mock Shake Brings All The Boys To The Yard.

This game involves Milton Jones and Ed Gamble,

so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that topic.

OK, here we go. First subject, please.

And the first topic is relationships.

Ed.

So, I've just moved in with my girlfriend.

AUDIENCE CHEERS Thanks.

Cheers, thanks for the support, Mum. That's good of you.

It's good, it's exciting. It's the first time I've lived with a girl.

Obviously we're finding out a lot more about each other that we didn't know before.

What I found out about her is she is kinder, funnier,

more sensitive than I ever realised.

What we've both found out about me is that I'm a terrible,

terrible prick and so difficult to live with.

Because it turns out I'm a tidy person. I didn't realise.

I thought I was normal,

but apparently, it is not normal to have a favourite J Cloth.

She is a messy, messy lady.

She is unbelievable. She's laid-back.

"No worries," she says that a lot. Who has no worries?

Are you dead? Are you a robot? What's wrong with you?

You should wake up, worry, go to bed.

That is a full day as far as I'm concerned.

She genuinely said this out loud the other day, "Hakuna matata!"

And I'm starting to think the actual Swahili

translation of that is, "Doesn't hoover."

Because there is underwear everywhere.

This is an odd side effect of living with a girl that

I did not fully anticipate.

I no longer find women's underwear

sexually titillating in any way whatsoever.

Because I used to be able to just see underwear

and that was enough to get me excited.

Didn't have to be a woman in it.

It'd just be a bra on the floor and I would go, "Ooh!

"Boobs were there!" That's enough.

Now nothing like that. I see a pair of knickers now,

it's just something the remote control might be under.

Well done, Ed Gamble. Very good.

That leaves us with Milton.

Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is medicine.

I have to go to the chemist's soon to collect my prescription.

Not from PC World like last time.

Those tablets were very difficult to swallow.

Recently I went to the chiropractor's, or as they call them

in the capital of Egypt, the practor's.

I put my back out trying to shoot horses, but it turns out

the World Health Organization aren't trying to eradicate polo.

My dad was a doctor, my mum was a nurse, they had six children,

we all left home early. Well, they needed the beds.

I remember the birthday I asked for that game, Operation.

Three years I waited.

I was talking to a nurse the other day.

She said the main problem facing the NHS is Holby City.

Actually, she might have said, "Obesity."

Well done.

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed Gamble.

The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

On the board are six categories. Ed, which category would you like?

-Home News, please.

-Home News it is. The answer is 63 years.

What is the question?

What is the shelf life of a Peperami?

Easy. If Hugh Hefner is 88 years, how old is his wife's granny?

Is it what is the battery life of my Nokia 3310?

Is it how long before the Lib Dems can legitimately book

a conference room again?

Is it what's old for a child?

Is it how long will it take before that American dentist

feels comfortable putting his new lion rug in the waiting room?

Is it what does the TARDIS do to the gallon?

How long, in his five-year career, has Jack Wilshere been injured for?

How old does cheddar have to be

before it's described as "off" rather than mature?

Is it how long has the Queen been our monarch?

You're absolutely right. That is about the Queen.

Thank you very much, Josh Widdicombe. Yes.

APPLAUSE

Yes, this week, the Queen surpassed Queen Victoria's 63 years,

seven months and two days, making her the longest reigning

monarch in British history.

-Are you all excited about this?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-OK.

That's a very curious crown she is wearing there, isn't it?

She's...

She's double-hatting it, I think it's called.

I think somebody should have spotted that.

You know, I think very little about the Queen,

but I hope on this particular day, she was sitting in a room

with a giant portrait of Queen Victoria,

just ticking it off, just staring at Queen Victoria until...

-Until her iWatch goes off...

-MIMICS WATCH

and she goes... "Take the picture down."

APPLAUSE

In honour, though, in honour of this being a historic day,

we are drifting from our usual format.

-We're going to have a quiz.

-Ooh!

-We're going to have a quiz.

-I love a quiz.

-It is our Liz Quiz.

FANFARE

APPLAUSE

I love the expense that has been spent on that!

I really want to thank her for coming in

and recording that little wave.

What two common documents does the Queen not have?

The Da Vinci Code.

And Life Of Pi. Next!

Oh, the rest of them, she has them all!

She doesn't have a driving licence.

She doesn't have a driving licence, no.

-Although she has qualified to drive.

-Yes, she has.

-She trained to drive in the Army, as far as I know.

-She did, yes.

She stripped down engines and everything in the Army.

-Absolutely, yes.

-Passport.

Doesn't own a driving licence, and is the only person

in the country who doesn't need a passport,

as they are issued in her name,

and so she cannot issue in her own name, because, you know.

But I think she's relatively good on the ID front.

She just has to take out a tenner and go... "Hm?"

"Oh, you don't get this? Go send a letter, bitch!"

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

What did the Queen invent with a dachshund and a corgi?

A dorgi.

-Yes!

-Is it?!

-Yes, it is.

-I was joking!

LAUGHTER

She invented a breed of dog called the dorgi.

Would you say she "invented" it?

What, she was there, going, "Right, you put that in there now"?

She didn't invent it, though, did she?

According to this card, yes, she did.

She couldn't have gone on Dragons' Den.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-"One needs £30,000 for...

"40% of the company."

It's always 40%. That's all they ever want,

no matter how much you say initially. "8%?" "40!"

It's commonly known that the Queen owns the UK's swans.

Commonly known that the Queen owns the UK's swans, it says here,

but what other water-based animals does she also have the right to own?

Ducks.

-Not ducks, no.

-Shopping trolleys.

-I think it's...

-Is it dolphins?

-It is. It's dolphins, whales and sturgeons.

I'm pretty big on the royal family. I know a lot of stuff.

You really are, actually. It's quite worrying.

Any dolphins or sturgeons within three miles of the UK, they're hers.

Do the dolphins know, or do they just stray in, and that's it?

If they get too close, she's in a speedboat constantly.

Just patrolling a three-mile limit around the country.

With her army of swans?

With her army of swans, who work to track them.

When she does that wave,

she's actually doing a fin motion to summon her dolphin army.

-AS THE QUEEN:

-"Army of dolphins... Assemble!"

"I come today with an army of dolphins.

"I want £40,000 for...

"25% of the company."

"I have invented a swalphin."

APPLAUSE

It's interesting, though, because actually, Mock The Week is a quiz.

And yet...

Yes, we just shattered that thing by going,

"Oh, we're going to have a little quiz!"

We've never done this before! I mean...

The points go to... er...Josh's team.

What unusual present might people be giving this Christmas?

Dead seagull?

Oh, have you ruined the surprise?

You are the worst secret Santa ever.

MIMICS SEAGULL

Kill it the first time! For God's sake, kill it.

-I think it is actually sperm, isn't it?

-It is sperm, yeah.

That's not an unusual gift.

APPLAUSE

Sperm?!

Horrific return policy.

APPLAUSE

-Not interested.

-"You said 14 days..."

AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, you've lowered the tone, Dara!

How have I ruined it?!

How have I ruined it?

Hitler'll be sat at home livid that you've just said that.

"Das vas ein superben joke!"

Yes, but why is this a story?

Because there is a British sperm bank, which,

since it's been set up, and I don't know how long it's been set up.

-It's a while, so like a year, year and a half or something.

-Yeah.

It's only had nine donors.

-Yes.

-I'm wondering who the other eight are!

Do you know if they meet up? I presume if there's nine donors,

it's got to meet up every Christmas and swap stories.

Not for biscuits, though.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Yeah. AND he's a Hitler fan!

You get paid 35 quid, and they were saying, well,

they could up their money to get more donors,

but they don't want people just doing it for the money.

Oh, that's what you want, though -

people just doing it for the love of it!

"I want to give something back to this game, do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, yeah. My dad was a sperm donor,

"my grandad was a sperm donor... "A long line of sperm donors, yeah."

Is it 35 quid for the whole lot, or 35 quid per sperm?

Because I could be up...

maybe 160 quid.

What's the other reason, by the way,

that people don't want to donate sperm?

Because when you're 18, they can now track you down.

Yeah, they can. You can no longer be

an anonymous sperm donor in this country.

You don't need that, do you? You know...

You've just cracked one off, not thought much about it,

18 years later...you get this angry teenager coming up...

Ding-dong!

"Dad! Hello, Dad! Why did you leave me?"

"Erm...

"35 quid!"

APPLAUSE

Well, it's actually, they've...

They've had a number of people attempt to be sperm donors,

they need regular sperm donations, but it's very difficult,

because it has to be frozen and then, in terms of the sperm,

it has to have a very high motility, a very high strength.

-But it's not very difficult to be the donor.

-No, it's...

-In many ways, it's the easiest job in the world.

-In many...yes.

Well, no, because you've got to go in, haven't you, into the bank.

I don't know about anyone else,

I do most of my banking online now, so...

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton.

APPLAUSE

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can go to the performance area,

I'll read out this week's topics,

then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go, the first subject is...

You're watching breakfast TV,

because the chemist won't have your Valium ready until mid-morning.

Breakfast news now. A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios.

Sadly and ironically,

his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

APPLAUSE

This is BBC Breakfast.

Look at it. That's meant to be a sausage.

Now, if you didn't see earlier on, we had Steps.

And that's why we interviewed Stephen Hawking outside.

Stay put for Jeremy Kyle.

Today's tooth count is three.

The world of show business has suffered another tragic loss.

But don't worry, it's one of the ones you already thought was dead.

A lot of people ask me how I stay awake at this time.

Well, you know what they say,

early to bed, crack cocaine in the morning.

Today, we're looking at the world's biggest birthday c...

Oh, no, Eamonn's had it.

If you've been affected by any of the issues in today's

Jeremy Kyle Show, then phone us up.

You're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow.

Later on, we'll be meeting a man who has to go

through 50 steps before he can orgasm.

All that to come.

It's Channel 5, it's 5am,

and I am going to sack my agent.

Well, it's time for the traffic news now here

on Christian Breakfast Time, so let's go over to our eye in the sky,

God.

APPLAUSE

If you hear a knock at your door, you could be the winner of £20,000!

Two knocks and it's a police raid. Hide the guns.

Now we're going over to the kitchen, where chef Tony will be cooking up

an excuse for why he's been texting my wife.

Next up on Channel 4 Breakfast,

it's a brand-new, home-grown British sitcom.

Only joking, it's Everyone Loves fucking Raymond.

APPLAUSE

Well, let's take a look at the traffic.

There it is.

Brum-brum.

Well, I'm looking forward to this one. In the studio we've got

the new Doctor Who... accidentally killed someone.

OK!

The next topic is...

The dark stranger emerged from the sea,

his wet shirt clinging against his muscular torso.

Soon, she held him

and said the words she'd been dying to say for ages.

"I'm UK Border Patrol, and you're under arrest."

APPLAUSE

She felt every part of his eight inches.

He was stiff, absolutely rigid, and even in her innocence she knew

her hamster was dead.

He felt a swelling down there.

Shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.

APPLAUSE

He took her hand in his and squeezed it.

"Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is."

I want to role-play. I'll be a prince from a mythical land

and you be your sister.

APPLAUSE

He cupped her breast

and put her arse in a bowl.

She was into really weird shit.

"You could make love," she said.

"Or 'vole'," he replied, looking up from their game of Scrabble."

APPLAUSE

She felt her bosom heaving as Mr Darcy came ever closer.

"Blimey," he said, "you don't get many of them to the pound."

APPLAUSE

He grabbed her hand, he held it tightly,

and they skipped off through the fields of daffodils.

And it was at that moment

she thought he might be a little bit gay.

APPLAUSE

He looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back.

He didn't know what it meant,

but he did know she'd put out on a first date.

"Jeremy Corbyn, you've got me blindfolded.

"What are you going to do now?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to highlight the injustice

"of inmates detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial."

"Why? Why does it end like this?" she said.

"Childhood accident," he replied. "I crushed it in a trouser press."

APPLAUSE

The debutantes paraded in the ballroom

in front of the rich landowners,

and the master of ceremonies proudly proclaimed,

"Let the Darcys fondle the arsies."

"Marjorie, I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before."

APPLAUSE

"Of course I've seen a black penis before," she said,

"just never attached to a white man."

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Katherine and Andy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are

Andy Parsons, Katherine Ryan and Ed Gamble.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Milton Jones, Hugh Dennis and Josh Widdicombe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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