Episode 10 Mock the Week


Episode 10

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O Briain.

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Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Jack Whitehall,

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Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.

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APPLAUSE

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We start with a round called Headliners.

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Here's a picture from this week's Labour party conference, but what does EMDB stand for?

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Is it how Ed Miliband was chosen?

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"Eenie meenie dibble bibble."

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Is it "Ed, marvellous! Double crossing bastard"?

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David is threatening Ed

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and he's reminding him of something he used to do.

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"Remember, Ed, make damp bed."

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Looking at the acting on David's face,

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is it "elder Miliband deserves BAFTA?"

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Is it what David should have done the minute he was born. "Eradicate my dad's bollocks"?

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Is it "Ernie marginally defeats Bert"?

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Is it something to do with the way Ed's standing? Is it "Ed Miliband disguises boner"?

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I reckon it is just a headline from The Daily Mail.

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"Evil, Marxist, dictator bastard".

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-I need the correct answer.

-Does the E stand for Ed?

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-Yes.

-Does the M stand for Miliband?

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Yes, it does. You are very good at this game.

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Does the D stand for David and does the B stand for Biliband?

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Is it "Ed's mother is David's brother"?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-Is it "Ed Miliband defeats brother"?

-It is, indeed. Yes. Well done.

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APPLAUSE

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Yes, the answer I was looking for was "Ed Miliband defeats brother".

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This is the news that Ed Miliband had become the leader of the Labour Party

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after a nail-biting build up at the party's conference.

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Ed narrowly defeated his elder brother and clear favourite David

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in one of the biggest upsets in recent British political history.

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Don't you think it was really weird, in his acceptance speech, Ed Miliband said,

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"Never in my wildest imagination did I think I would become leader of this party."

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You think, "Why did you stand then?"

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LAUGHTER

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You must have thought it was a vague idea it was a possibility.

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If we want a leader who doesn't understand how elections work,

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we might as well send a passport to Robert Mugabe!

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They were trying to encourage him to actually state where he is, is he Blairite, is he Brownite?

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He is saying he is his own man, but Milibandite doesn't sound like a political philosophy, does it?

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It sounds more like a strong adhesive. You know,

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"Don't use glue, use Milibandite."

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They glue him to the back of the wall in the party conference and slowly, slowly lower him.

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"He's not falling, he's not falling. Milibandite is perfect."

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He has the look of somebody on the Apprentice.

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Ever since it has been announced he is the leader he has the look of "I didn't mean THAT to happen."

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When he stood up to give his leader's speech I thought he was going to start by going, "Am I being punked?"

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LAUGHTER

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He is like Beaker out of the Muppets. I love him.

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Yeah, it's all, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi" with him.

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They look quite similar. If they looked a little bit more similar

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they could do that stuff that they did in Parent Trap.

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They could pretend to be each other.

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David would turn up, "It's Ed, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's Ed.

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"I'll go and do my speech now... Africa Schmafrica."

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"What about gays?" And he would fine.

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It is a great plan. It is one of the best plans I've ever heard.

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Turn up and do "Africa Schmafrica, what about the gays"?

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-The famous Africa Schmafrica speech!

-The famous "I have a schm-dream."

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What factor led Ed to narrowly defeat his brother in this?

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This is supposed to be the unions.

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The annoying thing now is that the papers are calling him Red Ed.

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If you read The Daily Mail they say, "..Who has been dubbed Red Ed."

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Yeah, by you!

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They are calling him Red Ed partly cos he's got left wing policies

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but mainly because it rhymes with Ed.

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Unfortunate, yes.

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There are lots of things that rhyme with Ed. He's in a bit of trouble,

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isn't he? If he moves to the right, it will be "Right, said Ed."

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If he gets married, "Wed Ed."

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If he wakes up with a bad hair day - bed Ed.

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It's just going to go on and on.

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I like the fact all the newspapers said,

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"Their policies are different, even though they're brothers."

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It would be quite cool if more political brothers came out of the woodwork.

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"Hello, I'm Colin Mugabe. My favourite festival is Glastonbury

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"cos I love anything that is run by a rich white farmer."

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To make up for the sibling rivalry,

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didn't Ed say he would give David any job he wanted?

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That leaves it open. He could get revenge by just making up a job.

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Shadow McDaddy of the Exchequer?

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What if he goes, "I'll give you any job you want."

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"How about leader of the Labour Party?"

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David's hand gestures during his speech,

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he gave a speech the next day where he was talking about Ed all the time,

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but there was a camera focused on his hands and he was going,

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"The thing about Ed... We have to work together."

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He kept referring to him as special over and over again.

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"Ed is a special person."

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He might as well went "I think we know what I mean."

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And references to his poor partner who was upset, obviously, cos her husband lost out on his dream,

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but kept going on about HOW upset she was and she was a violinist.

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She was upset and she was a violinist. These two facts were in every piece,

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as if she spent four days fiddling furiously.

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LAUGHTER

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Twang, twang, just one string!

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The first poll that came out after he was elected leader, had Labour slightly ahead.

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Pollsters are constantly bringing things out all the time,

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"Who are you going to vote for?" They are nagging the whole time. "Did we not tell you?

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"I'm sure we told you who we would vote for and then voted for them."

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They're like opticians, pollsters.

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It's just "And now?

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"And now? And now?

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"And now? And now? And now?"

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"Shut up!"

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-What problems has the police been having with their E Fit pictures, have you seen this?

-I have seen it.

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Police in Hampshire released an E Fit is like a new,

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technologically advanced photofit, "have you seen this man?" picture,

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and they released one during the week, the Hampshire Constabulary,

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of a burglar who stole £60 from an old woman's purse.

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This is the picture. If you have seen this man you should report it.

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People were saying it was the police's fault!

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It's clearly the witness who had, "No, green, no, definitely green, his hair was."

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What, so he looks like Jimmy White, but with a Shrek wig?!

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This is the Joker, that broke into your house.

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All you can say to that is, if you were a bald man and a robber,

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get yourself an iceberg lettuce,

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hold it behind your head and only attack very short-sighted people!

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People might have green hair.

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I know, it would be easy enough to trap someone with green hair.

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"Oh, yeah, you want Green Hair Dave. He can't account for HIS movements last night."

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It looks like the outcome if Keith Harris had sex with Orville.

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"I can't", "You can!", "I can't!", "You CAN!"

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"Can I sing me song now?" "Whatever. Please yourself."

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They still can't find the man, but my suggestion would be

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that he is lying low in some allotments.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Carl.

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APPLAUSE

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Our next round is called News Reel. We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news

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and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.

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This week's clip features the Royal Family.

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HE MIMICS THE QUEEN: "Oh, I hate looking at houses."

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MIMICS MAN: "Hopefully this next property will really float your boat.

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"It is downsizing, but the owner may take an offer.

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"It's been on the market since 1584. It's damp and it's got no roof."

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MIMICS PRINCE PHILLIP: "What a waste of an morning, I could be shooting an osprey.

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"Did you know you have a meringue on your head?"

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"Look, Liz, there's a goat.

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"Oh, that makes me feel peckish.

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"Where are we staying?"

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QUEEN: "In the Premier Inn."

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PHILLIP: "Could you have that delivered to the Premier Inn?"

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"Room 256."

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"And a shed load of pitta bread."

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QUEEN: "Where is Philip?

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"Where is he? I need to talk to him about the en suite.

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MAN: "I think he might be talking to a man about a goat."

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QUEEN: "Not again. Tell me about this castle.

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"Does it have a dungeon? We need somewhere to keep Fergie."

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PHILLIP: "Tasty. Slice them thinly, a bit of chilli sauce.

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"Problem is catching them. We have to drop on them from above."

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QUEEN: "You've not been banging on about goats again?

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PHILLIP: "Who, me? Not at all, no.

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"Do you like goats?"

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"Oh, my God, there's another one. They're everywhere.

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"They are like Albanians, yes."

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QUEEN: "Goodbye everyone. Sorry about my husband.

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"Do you like the property?"

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PHILLIP: "I don't know. Have you asked them the question? Go on, ask, please?"

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QUEEN: "Do I have to? All right.

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"Is it near a kebab shop?"

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Now we play a round called Eat, Pray, Mock. This game involves Jack, Karl and Andi,

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so if you could make your way to the performance area. This round is a stand up challenge.

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I launch a wheel of news and wherever it stops,

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one of our performers must talk about that subject.

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The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

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Here we go. The first subject is...

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-Food. Who wants to come in on that?

-I'll have that.

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I eat a lot of fast food.

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My favourite is actually Subway sandwiches.

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Basically, the thing that annoys me about, I don't think it should take three people to make you a sandwich.

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If you have ever been, every time you pop in, you order food, a relay race kicks off.

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One guy gets the bread of choice out, cuts it and thinks "I can't carry on here."

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He then passes it to his friend, who puts your fillings of choice in,

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who thinks, "That'll do me at this juncture."

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The final guy wraps it up and charges you. It's not hard to make a sandwich.

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I manage quite well at home on my own.

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I've never been half way through a sandwich and thought, "I need some back up."

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A strange event happened to me in a Subway. I went into one, I was the only person in the shop,

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I got to the counter and the guy went, "How can I help you?"

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"I'll have a six-inch meatball marinara, please."

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Then the guy broke the news to me, "We're out of bread at the moment." "Well, shut the shop then!"

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What did he expect me to order that warranted his question?

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Like I was walking past thinking, "Do you know what I need right now? A cup of sweetcorn."

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What annoyed me was that he didn't open with the no bread.

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If you work in a sandwich shop and run out of bread, that's all you say.

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You don't let people through the door before you go, "No bread!"

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But he let me say the full name of my sandwich.

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"Can I have a six-inch meatball marinara, but rather than bread, I've got a plan.

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"I'm going to walk along the front of the counter with my mouth open and you can chuck the meatballs in."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, let's spin the wheel again.

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-The subject is identity. Who wants to come in on that?

-I will!

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Well! Yeah, so being Nigerian that is the identity I most probably associate myself with

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and I have been a Nigerian a long time.

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One of the things that I love that Nigerian women do, it seems to be in our DNA,

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and that's to point with our lips for some reason, like that.

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I don't know why. It is not cos our hands are full or anything.

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Also when you get really, really good at it, you can talk at the same time.

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So I have seen my mum go, "Take this one and put it over here." I love it.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But... Nigerian men are amazing. I love Nigerian men.

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But there's one thing about them. They cannot answer a question straight.

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They've got to answer a question with another question.

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So you could ask them something simple as "What's your name?" and they'll be,

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"Hey, hey, come on now, what do you need to know my name for?"

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"Well, it's standard procedure for a passport application. I don't make the rules."

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I hate my passport photo, I look like I have been caught in a lay by with Hugh Grant.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much, Andi.

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OK.

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That leaves us with Jack, let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.

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-The topic is young people.

-Ooh.

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They look pretty mischievous.

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I've been in trouble once or twice before because I say the wrong thing when I get intimidated.

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I get intimidated quite a lot. The night bus, I think, is the worst.

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When you go on to the night bus, on the top deck,

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and there's all these youths sat at the back like a pack of wolves,

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and the hoodies playing their music really loudly on their mobile phones.

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I found out the hard way, they don't like it when you make requests.

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I didn't know what I was doing, I was drunk. I turned round, the leader of the pack's staring me,

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"Oi, bruv, what do you want?"

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"Erm, Cheryl Cole, Fight For This Love, please."

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I panic, I say the wrong thing.

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I did a student gig recently at the University of Warrington.

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It was quite a hostile environment.

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I went up on the stage before I'd done any of my material, this big guy

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in the front row got up and went, "Oi, mate, get on with your jokes. I came here for the comedy."

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I said, "No, you didn't. You came cos you screwed up your A-levels."

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LAUGHTER

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I think it's something I get from my parents.

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My parents are very confrontational, they're Pisces and Capricorn,

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so they're always at each other's throats.

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I do all that zodiac thing. Like, I don't get on with my sister's new boyfriend, because I'm a Leo

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and he's a bell end.

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LAUGHTER

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OK, for that round, the points go to Andi and Jack.

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APPLAUSE

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Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?

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On the board are six categories. Karl, which category would you like?

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-Sports, please.

-OK, your category is sport, and the answer is seven years.

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What is the question?

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Is it how long would Chris Moyles have to not be paid for before I gave a shit?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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One of the largest spontaneous and heartfelt applauses we've had.

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Is it how long since Eamonn Holmes last saw his feet?

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SUBDUED LAUGHTER

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Whereas the audience can turn!

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Is it how many years of good luck would you get if you broke Jeremy Clarkson's face?

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What is the average age of a construction worker at the Commonwealth Games?

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Is it after how long will the Chilean miners decide that it's not gay if it happens underground?

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Is it how old is the Earth according to Sarah Palin?

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Is it how long does it take Dara to put a polo neck on?

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Is it what's the longest recorded phone call between my wife and her mother?

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Is it how many of my school years were spent being called Screech from Saved By The Bell?

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How long does it take the idiot in front of you to use the self check out?

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Self check out? I love that.

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I tell you what, I'm in Tesco's, I'm just going to check out the prostate.

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I think it's only in Lidl you're allowed to expose those sorts of things.

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Illegal item in the bagging area. Illegal item in the bagging area.

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Illegal bagging in the item area.

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Can we get the correct answer?

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How long ago were the Indians aware they'd have to build the Commonwealth Games?

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Is absolutely right. Very good, well done.

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Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much time has Delhi

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had to prepare for the crisis-hit Commonwealth Games, which reports claim are still not ready.

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The city won the right to host the games in 2003, but the build up to the event has been plagued by fears

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that facilities and accommodation might not be completed on time

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and to a safe standard. What's going wrong?

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Well, the ceiling of the weightlifting area collapsed.

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That's fantastic, isn't it? "And there he is, he's holding up 200 kilograms

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"and the roof!"

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Yes, that is one of them. Anything else?

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People were making the distinction between filth and excrement.

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That's not a reassuring distinction to make.

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"Is that excrement my bed is bobbing around in?"

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"Don't worry, mate, that's just filth." "Oh, fine, fine.

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"Wake me when it's time to swim to the venue."

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There's a combination of exposed wiring and flooding.

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Not a great combination, is it?

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A man has jumped further than any human in history by merely trying to turn on his bathroom light.

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Phillips Idowu claimed he's not going

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because of the safety precautions.

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But I read afterwards he's from Hackney.

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Collapsing buildings are going to be good for world records.

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Nothing will make you run quicker than thinking the main stand is about to come on your head.

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Aren't athletes incredibly wussy about the accommodation? A lot of Australians aren't going.

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An Australian, you'd think, "I've wrestled crocs, I've been bitten by a shark.

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But "Oh, no, it's badly grouted!"

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I think the fear isn't bad grouting, it's dengue fever from stagnant water pools.

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And to be fair, this is the hockey training ground at the moment.

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Even for a hockey pitch, that's a lot of stagnant water

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and metal poles.

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I think an outbreak of mosquitoes is going to make exciting viewing.

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Watching all the runners running along like this.

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The hop, skip and slap's going to absolutely fascinating.

0:20:010:20:05

It'll be very difficult for deaf people watching, cos all the guys out there interpreting...

0:20:050:20:11

I think deaf people don't need that much interpretation on a race.

0:20:130:20:15

I think they can generally spot...

0:20:150:20:17

They have to go really fast.

0:20:170:20:20

"There's a marathon today."

0:20:230:20:25

I went to India, I was quite shocked actually by the stuff.

0:20:280:20:30

When you go out, you have to eat with one hand and wipe your bum with the other hand,

0:20:300:20:36

and I was nervous that I'd forget which one was used for which.

0:20:360:20:39

But I'm sensible, Dara,

0:20:390:20:41

so I used cutlery.

0:20:410:20:42

But after a while it really began to hurt my bum.

0:20:420:20:44

LAUGHTER

0:20:440:20:48

I think, for the Commonwealth Games, this presents a unique opportunity for boxers.

0:20:480:20:52

It'll be the one and only time they can start off the competition

0:20:520:20:55

as a heavyweight and by the end of the competition be fighting

0:20:550:20:59

as a featherweight.

0:20:590:21:01

That little bucket by the side of the ring is going to see more action than they ever expected before.

0:21:010:21:06

-Do you know what they had to remove from one of the rooms in the athletes' village?

-A snake.

0:21:120:21:16

A cobra was in one of the bedrooms

0:21:160:21:20

and they said, "Don't worry, we gave you a basket and a small horn.

0:21:200:21:25

"Play the horn, and the cobra'll go back in his basket." A cobra?!

0:21:250:21:29

That's a valid safety complaint, surely?

0:21:290:21:32

But it's a double whammy, as well. You get bitten by a cobra,

0:21:320:21:34

they give you an anti-venom and then they disqualify you

0:21:340:21:37

for having an illegal substance in your bloodstream!

0:21:370:21:40

What animals have been brought in?

0:21:400:21:42

-Camels?

-Not camels, no.

-Er, penguins?

0:21:420:21:45

Not penguins.

0:21:450:21:47

Polar bears?

0:21:470:21:48

-No, monkeys.

-Is it a narwhal?

0:21:480:21:51

It's not a nar... Stop naming random animals!

0:21:510:21:55

-Is it a muskrat?

-It's not a muskrat!

0:21:550:21:58

I've already said the word 'monkeys' while you carried on naming things.

0:21:580:22:01

-Is it monkeys?

-Well done, yes.

0:22:010:22:03

It is monkeys. Trained monkeys have been brought in, langur monkeys, they're called.

0:22:040:22:10

-And what are they there to do?

-Moving sofas.

-No.

0:22:100:22:13

Sell T-shirts.

0:22:130:22:16

-No, they're there to stop other monkeys getting in.

-Monkey bouncers!

0:22:160:22:21

They've got a list of other monkeys...

0:22:230:22:24

"Your species isn't down, you're not coming in."

0:22:240:22:27

Ah-oo oo-oo ah-ah ah-ah-ah...

0:22:270:22:29

"And if you don't back away, I'll fling shit at you."

0:22:320:22:35

Cos the plumbing's rubbish, they're there to test in case the baths are too hot. If they get in and go...

0:22:350:22:41

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

0:22:410:22:43

It could mean either, to be honest.

0:22:430:22:46

I was trying to think, what's the worst event to do if you have got the shits?

0:22:460:22:51

I thought weightlifting. That has got to be the worst, hasn't it?

0:22:510:22:54

You push up, the whole idea that every action has an equal and opposite reaction...

0:22:560:23:01

APPLAUSE

0:23:010:23:04

After that round, the points go to Jack, Andi and Andy.

0:23:040:23:08

Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone can make their way over to the Performance Area.

0:23:100:23:17

I'll read out this week's topics, and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

0:23:170:23:21

OK, here we go, the first subject is "unlikely things to hear in a quiz show".

0:23:210:23:27

Well, welcome to Junior Mastermind.

0:23:270:23:30

Our annual competition to find the best

0:23:300:23:34

nerdy, specky, knobby no-mates in Britain 2010.

0:23:340:23:38

We asked 100 people, name something you eat with a spoon?

0:23:400:23:45

And the top answer was,

0:23:450:23:47

"Piss off, I'm busy."

0:23:470:23:50

So Nick Griffin, you were the Weakest Link in that round

0:23:530:23:58

and yet you chose to get rid of Rashid. Why?

0:23:580:24:01

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:010:24:04

And on tonight's Family Fortunes, we're joined by the Fritzls and the Wests.

0:24:040:24:09

So Noel, your soul for a resurrected career.

0:24:130:24:17

Deal or no deal?

0:24:170:24:19

Oh, this one has really stumped Steve from the Eggheads.

0:24:230:24:27

The question was, what is it like to have sex with a woman?

0:24:270:24:32

Welcome to Weakest Link Bankers' Edition.

0:24:370:24:39

You've banked nothing, scored nothing,

0:24:390:24:41

and yet you still have a bonus.

0:24:410:24:44

Yeah! I said it! Let's take 'em!

0:24:480:24:50

Let's take 'em all! You and me, let's go!

0:24:500:24:54

You have one lifeline left, that's calling your country's

0:24:570:25:00

Government to see whether they will accept our demands.

0:25:000:25:04

We asked 100 people, where is the G spot? You've given your answer.

0:25:070:25:11

If it's up there, love, I'll give you the money myself.

0:25:110:25:14

So this question for £100. What...

0:25:190:25:24

is your PIN number?

0:25:240:25:27

60 quid for half a gram of coke.

0:25:300:25:33

Deal or no deal?

0:25:330:25:35

Deal.

0:25:370:25:39

LAUGHTER

0:25:390:25:41

I'm Dale Winton, and you've got to be in it to win it,

0:25:450:25:49

and by that, of course, I mean my bottom.

0:25:490:25:52

The next topic is,

0:25:580:26:00

"lines you wouldn't hear in an action movie".

0:26:000:26:04

CAMP VOICE: Right, I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or just five?

0:26:040:26:09

To be honest, in all the kerfuffle I kind of lost count myself.

0:26:090:26:12

But, seeing as how this is a 0.44 magnum, the most powerful shotgun

0:26:120:26:15

in the world, it could blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself, "What am I like?"

0:26:150:26:20

If I press this button, you will witness the worst thing you could possibly imagine.

0:26:240:26:28

Channel 5.

0:26:290:26:31

I know you're mad, Max,

0:26:360:26:38

but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews isn't going to help.

0:26:380:26:45

First, Mr Bond, I plan to aim the giant laser at the world, and then...

0:26:480:26:53

Fuck, this cat's shat on me again.

0:26:530:26:56

OK, men. This is the plan.

0:27:030:27:06

We tunnel under the wire, we make a dash for Blighty, and hopefully

0:27:060:27:11

we'll never, ever have to compete in the Commonwealth Games again.

0:27:110:27:15

I want your clothes, your boots

0:27:190:27:21

and your unicycle.

0:27:210:27:22

There's a bomb on this bus, but we think we know who's got it.

0:27:260:27:30

But if we get this wrong, we might look a bit racist.

0:27:300:27:33

Batman, it's Catwoman, she says she's been thrown in a wheelie bin.

0:27:380:27:41

They beat him. They kicked him.

0:27:470:27:49

They shot him. They left him for dead.

0:27:490:27:52

Now, he's dead.

0:27:520:27:54

Now listen to me, Bourne, if you're not back in 10 minutes, your dinner goes in the bin.

0:27:560:28:02

And, yes, that is an ultimatum.

0:28:020:28:04

-HE RASPS

-"Luke, I am your father."

0:28:100:28:14

"Really?

0:28:140:28:16

"You're black."

0:28:160:28:18

I'm Iron Man, doing what I do best.

0:28:220:28:26

Ironing!

0:28:260:28:28

AS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: "Which box do I put it in?"

0:28:320:28:35

Terminator 5, Recycling Day.

0:28:350:28:40

I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the legions of the north.

0:28:440:28:49

Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

0:28:490:28:54

Gladiator, ready!

0:28:540:28:58

Contender, ready!

0:28:580:29:02

Three, two, one!

0:29:020:29:05

At that end of that round, the points go to Jack, Andi, and Andy.

0:29:050:29:09

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho and Jack Whitehall.

0:29:150:29:21

Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Carl Donnelly.

0:29:240:29:29

Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

0:29:300:29:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:470:29:50

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:500:29:54

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