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This programme contains strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
# Throughout the world | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
# Don't believe in everything you see or hear | 0:00:09 | 0:00:13 | |
# Read all about it | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
# Read all about it... # | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O'Briain. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Joining me are Andy Parsons, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Ed Byrne and Russell Howard, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
We start with a round called Headliners. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Here is a picture of the Prime Minister, David Cameron, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
-but what does CABS stand for? -Is it Country's Arms Budget Shrunk? | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
You stand in front of the Taliban and go, bang, bang. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
It's his ultimate fantasy, Caviar And Beyonce Shaven. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Is he playing a game CAB, it's a game you used to play as a child, Cowboys And Butlers! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Is it Clegg! Another Bacon Sandwich?! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
Is it, Child? Adultery? Boris? Shit! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
Is it Cameron Attempts Black Solidarity? | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
Is it Taxi, no, no Cabs? I'm so stupid! | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
He's pointing at a lady in the street, Cracking Arse, Boobs Satisfactory. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Is it Charmless Aristocrat Buggers Society?! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Is it... | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
That is true, people. I speak the truth, people. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:15 | |
That was such a lovely response. That sounds like something we should clap. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:20 | |
Is it Conceited Arrogant Boring, Shitehawk? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
Shitehawk? It's an excellent word. It's a great word. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:30 | |
It's a very Irish word. You may have it as a gift. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
-Does it exist? -It does. -Is there a shitehawk that exists? | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
No, there isn't an actual bird called a shitehawk. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
It'd be an amazing episode of Springwatch if you shot one. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
-The correct answer, if we could. -It's Cameron Announces Big Society. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
Well done, Hugh, thank you very much. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Yes, the answer I was looking for was Cameron Announces Big Society. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has formally | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
launched his Big Society manifesto pledge, which he claims will put the oomph back into communities. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:03 | |
Speaking in Liverpool, Cameron confirmed it would empower | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
communities, allowing them to run libraries and post offices | 0:03:05 | 0:03:11 | |
and manage transport services and shape housing projects. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
-How is he planning on liberating society? -You can't say oomph. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
That's not a word. You want to put the oomph back in communities. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
Yes, I'd like to make hospitals a bit hot-ta-ta-ta! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
I'm afraid the whole schools building programme was wha-wa-wa-waa! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:26 | |
A government entirely done by sound effects would be great. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
I will be coming to a place near you, clipperty-clop, clipperty-clop. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:34 | |
The weird thing about it is the Conservatives are all about choice and yet | 0:03:34 | 0:03:39 | |
they're only offering one size of society. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
People don't want to work for free, do they? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:52 | |
He needs to dangle some form of a carrot. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
If you volunteer, everyone of you can kick Jeremy Kyle in the nads. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Sweet, I'll do that. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
If you volunteer, I'll make a TV show that is | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
just Kelly Brook jumping up and down on a trampoline. Sweet. We'll do that. If you work really | 0:04:01 | 0:04:06 | |
hard I'll kill the Go Compare man. That's what we need. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Empowering is a phrase, you know, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
19-year-old models use when they appear in Zoo. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:22 | |
I feel very empowered by my ability to get my norks out! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
-They never say it like that. -They don't quite use norks and empower in | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
the same sentence, but it's the same rhetorical flourish that they use. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:32 | |
It is just basically, we can't afford it, we don't want to get | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
involved, let's give it to some busy bodies in your area. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
Don't give it to us, don't make us run it. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
Have you met us? We're idiots. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
We accidently voted in a Tory government. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
-That is genuinely idiotic. -You can't trust us. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
The British public are odd. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
I sometimes pick up a coke can in Tesco for no reason, shake it and put it back. | 0:04:55 | 0:05:00 | |
-Don't give me any responsibility. -I'm not really what would happen if I let you run a school. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:06 | |
Would you just walk in and pick up one of the children and go... | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
If he's so keen on volunteering, how come he gets paid £180,000 a year? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:16 | |
Why doesn't he give his services for free? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
I'd quite happily do that job for no money, | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
because I've heard the expenses are quite tidy! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
We're all in this together. That's what's so difficult. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
You've got this multi-millionaire going, "We're all in this together." | 0:05:31 | 0:05:36 | |
Him comparing his plight to that of the public is like me stubbing my toe and saying, "I feel just | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
"like Heather Mills." | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Do you find stubbing your toe makes you want to rip off a Beatle? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Cameron, basically, was going on about this village pub that they had enabled it to keep it open and you're | 0:05:48 | 0:05:54 | |
thinking keeping open a village pub, that's not the Big Society, that's a lock-in. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
He's rolling back the state. I wasn't aware that the state ran rural pubs. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:07 | |
If there was a state-run pub you would not go in it. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
"Barman, number five, please." | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Do you know how he's funding this? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
The fascinating thing about how he's funding it. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
He's started this thing which is the most childish thing | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
that you could ever imagine called the Big Society bank, which sounds like it should be in Ballamorey. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
The Government owns all the money and bank accounts if they've been dormant for 15 years. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:31 | |
Do they own everything that's been dormant for 15 years, like Kerry Katona's brain | 0:06:31 | 0:06:38 | |
and Emile Heskey's right foot? And almost the whole of Ann Widdecombe? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:45 | |
Do they? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Essentially, he wants to pay for it using the money of the dead. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Like a financial zombie army, | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
who will sweep across opening post offices, uuurrrggghhh. Stamp! | 0:06:58 | 0:07:05 | |
What if someone's been in a coma? Imagine that, you haven't used | 0:07:05 | 0:07:10 | |
your bank account for 15 years and you wake up, "Where's my money?" | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
Well, we spent it on a knitting museum in Cumbria. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
He's like, "At least I can watch Friday Night With Jonathon Ross!" | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
In other news, what's going on here? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
This is Cameron and Obama having a chat and Obama is just saying | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
to him, "You call me soulman one more time, white boy..." | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
Is it Obama's going, "Thank goodness you've arrived, I've had around | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
"30 calls from a Mr Clegg going, 'I can't find the keys to Number Ten.'" | 0:07:41 | 0:07:47 | |
Isn't he not just going, "So, David, I understand your ancestors | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
"made their fortune in cotton and sugar!" | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
I wonder if Cameron was explaining to Obama how his upbringing has prepared him for dealing with the oil spill. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:06 | |
"We make a mess and then the black chap cleans it up." | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Is it Cameron and Barack smooch? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Are we still playing that game? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
No, we've moved on. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
It is David Cameron meeting President Obama on his official two-day visit to the US. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:31 | |
Cameron says he's going to stand up to the US and you're like, "No, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
"you're not, there's more chance of Danny Dyer being the new host of QI." | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
It is worth noting, by the way, under the new Big Society initiative we have to run all the post offices, | 0:08:37 | 0:08:43 | |
but he's still the one who gets to go to America and meet Obama. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
I don't see his committee members from Liverpool, who are running | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
the local libraries, going, "Oh, great, do we get to go to America? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
-"Oh, great, Big Society." -Maybe that would be a good idea because | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
the problem with standing up to America is we keep sending posh people. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
May we should send people from Scouse estates, "We're not really happy about the Al-Megrahi thing." | 0:08:58 | 0:09:04 | |
"Oh, are you not? Come here, big lad, let's go. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:10 | |
"Let's go. Let's go. Come on." | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
It's just a scheduled visit, isn't it? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
There's nothing particularly special about this visit, but the problem for Cameron is that BP | 0:09:16 | 0:09:20 | |
are apparently involved in the release of Al-Megrahi by the Scottish government. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
Let's use the word allegedly there. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
BP, I would imagine, have one or two lawyers possibly being... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:33 | |
They are a large corporation and they are slick lawyers. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:38 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
I imagine the latest BP spillage is their lawyer going... | 0:09:43 | 0:09:47 | |
It's really funny, because Cameron says that the release of Al-Megrahi was nothing to do with oil | 0:09:49 | 0:09:54 | |
and you're like, "Yeah, and Mel Gibson's just a social drinker." | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
He went on national public radio to speak about this and he said that Al-Megrahi should have died in jail. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:05 | |
He's not actually dead yet, but he should have died in jail | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
and that he blamed Scotland, so actually, he said BP weren't to blame, Scotland were to blame. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:14 | |
Actually, sorry, BP's worth more to Britain than Scotland! | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
The two things that are overshadowing the links between Al-Megrahi's release and BP and the oil spill. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:27 | |
BP could have killed two birds with one stone | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
if they were able to plug the oil spill with Al-Megrahi. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
Basically, what's happened is they're worried the seepage, they've done that | 0:10:32 | 0:10:37 | |
and now they've got to do that and now some more is coming out over there and they've got to do that | 0:10:37 | 0:10:42 | |
and it's turning into a massive game of Twister. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
You wonder if they've said, "We've finally done it!" | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
-in their office and then you hear... -TAPPING SOUND | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Cut to a shot of them going... | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
The only way they'll manage to clear up the whole coastline | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
is if there is a catastrophic event at a nearby Cillit Bang rig, | 0:11:00 | 0:11:06 | |
which could happen, because Barry Scott does shout, doesn't he? | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
Hi! My God! | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
-Explosions! -Fourth time in eight months. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:16 | |
I've not no sympathy for BP, though. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
I mean Tony Hayward, he said when it came to the oil spill it was | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
tiny in proportion to the total water volume of the Gulf of Mexico. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:25 | |
I tried a similar excuse when I had a piss in the swimming pool | 0:11:25 | 0:11:30 | |
and it did me no good whatsoever. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart! | 0:11:37 | 0:11:42 | |
Now we play a round called Eamonn Holmes Is Hungry For Jokes. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:49 | |
This game involves Stewart, Ed and Andy, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the Wheel Of News. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. OK, here we go. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
The first subject is... | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
Pets. Who wants to come in on that? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
Does it look like I'm being attacked by two animals? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
I have a theory with pets. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
I feel that we treat animals better than we treat humans. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
Proof of this, we found a cat by our bins | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
and it looked hungry and now it lives with us. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
That is proof we treat animals well. You wouldn't do that with a person. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
You look a bit hungry. What are you doing by the bins? Do you want to live in the house? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
You could come and live with us. Don't get a job. We'll buy you food and prepare it for you, and | 0:12:39 | 0:12:44 | |
in exchange for that if you can take a dump on the floor. That seems fair. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
Now and again, when I'm in the house on my own if you could jump | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me. Could you do that in exchange for free bed and board? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
It was sold to me that the cat was going to live with us to keep away the mice. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
It doesn't keep away the mice. It doesn't, it brings mice in! | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
Mice that live in a field, near the house and had no intention of coming anywhere near the house. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:08 | |
The cat brings it in and plays with it and gets distracted, "Oh, a sunbeam!" And let's them go! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
We've got more mice in the house than we did before we got a cat! | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
Can I put down poison for the mice? No! In case the cat eats it! | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
OK, let's spin the wheel again. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
The subject is sport. Who wants a go at that? Andy Parsons. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
Does it look like I'm being attacked by two giant testicles? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
Sepp Blatter has said he doesn't want technology in football. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
His reasoning being he said he wanted the football at the highest level to be exactly the same as football | 0:13:49 | 0:13:55 | |
at the lowest level. What a ridiculous argument that is. | 0:13:55 | 0:14:00 | |
Surely then why bother in the World Cup to have goalposts at all? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Why don't we just have jumpers? | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
Instead of playing for 90 minutes, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
why don't we just play as long as possible before the kid who owns the ball wants to go home for his tea? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:14 | |
You wonder how well does Capello actually get on with the England players? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
Capello is into opera and art. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
How many of the England players do you think are into their art? | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
The closest that Ashley Cole has come to a self-portrait | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
is taking a photo of his knob! | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Andy Parsons! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
OK, that leaves us with Stewart. Let's see what topic we have. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
Spin the wheel. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
The topic is leisure. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
What's the deal with trainspotters? | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
I counted 27 of the losers today. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
My record's 41. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
My dad has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles which sounds so much better than alcoholic. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:18 | |
I want to write a mystery novel, or do I? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
I've written a book about a transsexual | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
with a speech impediment, it's entitled Man or Myth. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
I like to go to book stalls and say to the clerk, "Hello. I'm looking | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
for a book entitled How To Deal With Rejection Without Killing!" | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
In my spare time I like to fart on crowded lifts... | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
..which is wrong on so many levels! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
The points go to Stewart Francis. Everyone, come back! | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
Our next round is called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
There are six categories. Chris, which category would you like? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
-Please can we have health? -Your category is health. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
The answer is 35 million a year. What is the question? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
Is it how much money does the Queen get from the Royal Mail for being the face of stamps? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:34 | |
How many times a year does Katie Holmes think to herself, "If I just make a run for it?" | 0:16:35 | 0:16:41 | |
If you were the man who ate all the pies... how many pies would you be eating? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:48 | |
Is it how often does the Scottish Justice Minister phone Al-Megrahi's mobile hoping he doesn't pick up? | 0:16:50 | 0:16:56 | |
Is it how many times Dara Googles himself and when I say Google, I mean masturbate? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:04 | |
How much would the UK Government make if they pimped out Robert Pattinson? | 0:17:07 | 0:17:12 | |
WOMAN SCREAMS | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
Just from that lady! | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
When you say, "Pimped him out", do you mean put big rims on him? | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
We could do that or we could just put him in a bus and let girls | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
such as the lady that cheered then pay up to £100 to do what you want with him. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
If you let me pay £100 to do what I want with him, that would be the end of him. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
What would you do with him? | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
I think the trick is to let me go last. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Is it how much would it cost you if you stayed on a BT helpline long enough to get an answer | 0:17:44 | 0:17:49 | |
to your fucking question? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:50 | |
What's the correct answer? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
It's about sick days, isn't it? | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
-It is about sick days, yes. -How many sick days a year do the British population take? | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
That's absolutely right, well done. Thank you very much, Hugh. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
Yes. The question I was looking for was, "How many fake sick days | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
do British workers take each year? According to a survey, | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Brits pull 35 million "sickies" every year, which is more than any other European country | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
and it counts over a quarter of the 122 million sick days taken across Europe. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
Our football took a month off in South Africa. Everyone's doing it. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:27 | |
35 million? That makes me sick! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
Can I go home? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Yeah, you can go home. That's all right. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Yesterday in the office, you weren't there, Dara, | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
but what I was saying to the other guys... | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
Well, I had a very heavy cold. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
There's one of the summer things going around at the moment. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
It's very difficult to feign a sick day because you might start off pretending but by the time | 0:18:45 | 0:18:50 | |
you've watched Jeremy Kyle and four hours of antiques programmes, you're feeling genuinely ill. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:55 | |
We like drinking, don't we, in this country? A lot of firms, they have | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
one day a week where you can turn up to work wearing whatever clothes you like and they call them casual days. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:05 | |
I think we should also have one day a week where you can turn up to work in a right old state... | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
..and they should call them smell like a badger days. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
It's interesting that taking a day off, as a man, is tricky because you have to be very inventive. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:24 | |
"Oh, I've got diphtheria, I've got lurgy, I can't see. I've got blurred vision". | 0:19:24 | 0:19:29 | |
As a lady, very easy. All you have to say is, "Women's problems". Whoa! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
"My apologies. Take the week off!" | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
You know, you can't do that as a bloke. "I've got man problems". | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
"Well, stop touching it then". | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
We're all self-employed, so there's no point, us throwing sickies, is there? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
There's no point phoning up yourself, leaving a message a message on your answer phone, "I can't come in", | 0:19:49 | 0:19:55 | |
then retrieving your message, realising you're ill and going to bed. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
OK. Story that struck me during the week. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
You may not have seen this story. It was in a story in Ireland, the Evening Herald in Dublin last week. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:07 | |
It's a moving story about Alzheimer's disease. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
The story basically was: | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
All of which is quite interesting. See, the next paragraph I found difficult to take. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
..appear to be better protected if they develop Alzheimer's disease, a study suggests". | 0:20:32 | 0:20:37 | |
Now that would be all right if it wasn't for the thing that the article came with a giant photograph | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
of me next to the article... under the words, "big head". I'm protected against Alzheimer's! | 0:20:42 | 0:20:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Written underneath that was, "Extra large: Report is good news for Dara O'Briain." | 0:20:53 | 0:21:01 | |
No, it's not. It's not good news because I've suddenly realised I've got a big head apparently. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:07 | |
What do you mean you've suddenly realised? | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
Dara! Protect us from the Alzheimer's! | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Forget about it! | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
In Canada I did some modelling. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
It was for medical... it was for penile dysfunction | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
and it was before and after picture. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Is this true? I didn't model. I don't model for big heads. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
I don't regard myself as having a large head. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
I don't have difficulty buying hats. I don't have difficulty getting into jumpers. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:44 | |
My head causes me no... | 0:21:44 | 0:21:45 | |
When did those three guys get here? | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
To be fair, a big head doesn't normally cause the owner a problem. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
It causes the owner's mother a problem. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
It's smaller than my hips, for God's sake! | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
Your head is smaller than your hips. What kind of shape are you? Are you a peanut? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:10 | |
What do you mean? Of course my head is smaller than my hips. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
Dara, Dara, look at me! | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
-Isn't your head not smaller than your hips? -No! Maybe. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:19 | |
-Dara, Dara, look at me. -Oh, you're weird! | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Look at me. I'm going to take you to a hall of mirrors and show you how you should look. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:26 | |
I'm not the kid from Mask. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
-You see, look at that. It's fine. -Your head is absolutely enormous. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:32 | |
In fact, on a normal size head, that would be a full head of hair. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
Are you not staying in my house tonight? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
When Dara opens an umbrella it's like one of them little cocktail ones. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:48 | |
To put in context how big it is, Dara, it has its own gravitation field. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:54 | |
It's pulled in an entire planet behind it. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
This desk was straight when we started. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
I was expecting sympathy. That's why I introduced this. I was going to say... | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
-You were expecting sympathy? -I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
and I thought, "There's a group that will help me through this". | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
I think of you all as friends. I don't think of you as comedians! | 0:23:25 | 0:23:29 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
OK, at the end of that round... the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See. If everyone can make their way over to the performance area. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:49 | |
I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what the panellists can come up with. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:54 | |
OK, here we go. The first subject is rejected questions from this year's exams. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:59 | |
To keep them cool, the testes of the male homo sapiens are on the outside. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:04 | |
Should he put them back in his trousers? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:09 | 0:24:10 | |
Wayne lives three miles away from Kaylie | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
and Martin lives six miles away from Wayne. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
Who got her pregnant? | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:20 | 0:24:21 | |
If it an oil well is spilling out oil at 50,000 barrels a day, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
how do you stop it? No, really. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
How do you stop it? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:40 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:42 | 0:24:43 | |
If Mary has one apple, Thomas has an apple and an orange, and Tarquin has two apples, an orange, | 0:24:46 | 0:24:51 | |
an ugly fruit and two kumquats, whose parents read the Guardian? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:56 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
Which is faster, a cheetah or Mel Gibson leaving the MOBOs? | 0:25:01 | 0:25:06 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
If you removed a man's lower intestine and stretched it as far as it could go, how angry would he be? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:17 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:17 | 0:25:18 | |
Calculate the circumference of Eamonn Holmes, using pi. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
A car is travelling at a constant speed of 70mph around the M25. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
In what imaginary universe are they in fact travelling? | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
Henry VIII loved the bitches, discuss. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
BUZZER | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
Chemistry - what's that smell? | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
Nelson lost an arm and an eye. Why didn't he call Claims Direct? | 0:25:55 | 0:26:00 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:02 | 0:26:03 | |
Your mum's a slag. Discuss. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
The next topic is... | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
things you won't hear in a gardening programme. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
If you're into naked gardening, here's a tip. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
Be careful what you do with the... SHEARS! | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
And that, folks, is how you get rid of a body. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:30 | 0:26:31 | |
Not only that, but somebody's been sneaking into the allotment | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
and putting top soil on the ground. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
The plot thickens. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:42 | 0:26:43 | |
Last year, I couldn't be bothered to dig up my garden, | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
so I phoned up Time Team and told them I'd just found a Roman coin. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:53 | |
BUZZER | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
And now over to our lawnmower expert, Stumpy Jeff. "Hi, guys!" | 0:26:57 | 0:27:02 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
David here has some nice buddleia and Jemima has hydrangea and I've got chlamydia. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:13 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
Well, that's it for this week, I'm off home to plant my seeds. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
My wife's ovulating and I don't want to miss my slot. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
Why grow flowers like this, when you can steal them from a traffic black spot? | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:32 | 0:27:33 | |
Last week, you were complaining about rabbits being rampant in your garden and being a pest. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:40 | |
But let me tell you, I've got a rampant rabbit and when it's in my garden, it causes nothing but joy. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:47 | |
WOMEN WHOOPING AND BUZZER | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
Well, I've been having terrible trouble with a mole. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
He keeps on passing confidential information to other gardeners. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
BUZZER | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
Here we've got a nice rockery over there and there's a lovely fountain | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
we've put in and next to that is the tree of knowledge. You will not eat from the tree of knowledge! | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:13 | 0:28:14 | |
If your lawn suffers from patchy grass, just grow it long one side and comb it over. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:20 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:21 | 0:28:22 | |
And if you leave it for about four or five years, | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
it should be just the right height to piss behind. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 | |
In a garden... who's blocking my light? | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Dara, could you just... | 0:28:36 | 0:28:38 | |
APPLAUSE AND BUZZER | 0:28:40 | 0:28:41 | |
Over here is a wonderful water feature, | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
like in Brussels of a small boy pissing. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
This one's from Thailand and I pay him 20 pence a week. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
BUZZER | 0:28:55 | 0:28:56 | |
He ain't lying, it's good money! | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
BUZZER | 0:29:00 | 0:29:01 | |
The end of that round the points go to Russell, Ed and Andy. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 | |
And that's the end of the show. | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ed Byrne and Russell Howard. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:16 | |
Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:23 | |
Thank you for watching, until next week, I'm Dara O'Briain, good night. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:29:35 | 0:29:37 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 |