Episode 1 More Old Jews Telling Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

Helen wakes up at 4.00 and Lou is not in bed.

So she goes downstairs and sees him sitting at the kitchen table,

having a cup of coffee, a tear running down his cheek,

just looking at the wall, wistfully.

She goes, "Lou, honey, why are you up so early?"

He says, "Well, do you remember how young we were

"when we first started dating?"

And she goes, "Oh, of course I remember that."

And he says, "Do you remember how your father caught us

"making love in the backseat of the car?"

And she goes, "Oh, boy, I can't forget that."

And he says, "Do you remember your father takes a gun,

"puts it to my head and said, 'If you don't marry my daughter,

"'I'm going to make sure you go to jail for 30 years?'"

And she puts her hand on his hand and goes, "Oh, I do remember that."

Tears running down from his eye, he says,

"I would've gotten out today."

LAUGHTER

A gentile fellow is going to marry a very ultra-orthodox Jewish woman.

He went to the ultra-orthodox rabbi, who converted him.

It was the night before the wedding and the rabbi said to him,

"Now, do you have any questions about tomorrow for the wedding?"

And he said, "Yes, Rabbi, as a matter of fact, I do.

"Tomorrow night at the wedding, can I dance with my wife?"

And the rabbi says, "Absolutely not.

"The men dance with the men, the women dance with the women."

He says, "How about eating?"

He says, "Absolutely not. You cannot eat with your wife.

"The men eat with the men, the women eat with the women.

"Do you have any other questions?"

He says, "Well, Rabbi, while I have you here,

"can I ask you some questions about sexual issues?"

And he says, "Sure. Ask whatever you want."

He says, "Rabbi, with regards to positions,

"with a man on the top, the woman on the bottom,

"the missionary traditional position."

He says, "Well, we don't call it that, but that's OK."

He says, "How about with the woman on top and the man on the bottom?"

He says, "It's a little different,

"but there's nothing wrong with that."

He says, "How about doggy style?"

He says, "Ooh, that's a little kinky,

"but there's nothing in Halakha that prevents it.

"Any other questions?"

He says, "Rabbi, how about doing it standing up?"

He says, "Absolutely not. That could lead to dancing."

LAUGHTER

Colin has been in this old-age home for quite a while,

he has Alzheimer's.

One of the nurses took a liking to him

and would always come in to find out how he was.

One day, she came in and he was very sad, he was crying.

She says, "Colin, what happened?"

He said, "My penis died."

She didn't pay no mind.

The next day, he's walking up and down the aisles

with his penis hanging out.

So the nurse grabs him, puts him back and says, "You can't do that.

"And, by the way, yesterday you told me your penis died."

He says, "I know. Today's the viewing."

LAUGHTER

State trooper came upon the scene of a one-car accident.

A car had run headlong into a tree,

a man and woman were thrown from the car, dead at the scene.

He looked all around,

he could figure no explanation for this accident.

It was a straight two-lane highway. There was virtually no traffic.

The weather was clear. The pavement was dry.

It made no sense whatsoever.

He's looking around for a clue.

He sees a monkey sitting up in the tree.

He says to himself rhetorically,

"I wonder if that monkey might have been here when this happened."

"You saw this?

"Did you see what these people were doing at the time of the accident?

"What were they doing?"

HE INHALES

"Oh, they were smoking marijuana.

"What else? Anything?

"And they were drinking?

"Was there anything else?

"No! And what were you doing all this time?"

LAUGHTER

A very nice young woman decided that

she'd like to have her breasts enlarged.

So she went to the plastic surgeon, who told her

that kind of surgery would cost 5,000.

And she certainly couldn't afford that, so she said,

"Don't you have anything that's less expensive that I could use?"

And he says, "As a matter of fact,

"I've just initiated a new procedure where I make two little slits,

"I put in two balloons, and when you want it, have a nice bust line.

"You're going out somewhere, just go like this

"and the bust line will increase, you'll look beautiful

"and it'll be great."

And she was very happy with the results.

One day, she's walking in the park

and this very handsome young man is coming towards her.

And so she starts pumping it up.

And as he comes closer, he says,

"Oh, I see you use Dr Stein too."

LAUGHTER

Bride and groom. Married that day.

Entering the bridal chamber that night, the groom picks up his

beautiful bride, looks down at her and says, "Is this your first time?"

And she looks up and says, "Why does everybody ask me that question?"

LAUGHTER

An Irishman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a whiskey.

He puts a 20 bill on the table and the bartender gives him a whiskey.

He's drinking it and feeling very happy.

He looks down at the end of the bar and sees a girl sitting there.

He says to the bartender,

"Whatever that girl is drinking, send her down a drink."

And the bartender says, "Don't buy her a drink."

He says, "Listen, I'm buying.

"Buy her a drink."

He says, "Don't buy her a drink."

So the Irishman says, "Why shouldn't I buy her a drink?"

And the guy behind the bar says, "She's a lesbian."

And the Irishman says,

"I don't care what her religion is, buy her a drink."

So he sends her down a drink and she nods her head.

The Irishman is sitting there, enjoying his drink

and he orders another whiskey. When he drinks the second whiskey,

he tells the bartender to send her down another drink.

When she finishes the second drink, she comes over and says,

"I want to thank you for buying the two drinks."

He says, "That's perfectly all right."

She says, "I don't think you understand. I'm a lesbian."

And he says, "Listen, your religion is your business.

"I wanted to buy you a drink."

She says, "I guess you don't understand.

"See that girl sitting over there with that fella?

"If I had her in my house, I would take off her blouse

"and I would take off her bra, and what a time I could have!

"You see that other girl with the long blonde hair?

"If I had her in my room, I would take off her skirt,

"I would take off her panties, what a time I would have."

And the Irishman starts to cry.

She says, "Why are you crying?"

He says, "I think I'm a lesbian."

LAUGHTER

A gentleman is out in the desert and he hasn't had any water for days.

He doesn't know what he's going to do.

He sees a blue light and follows the blue light. He's choking.

He knocks on a door and the door opens.

He says, "Please, just give me one little bottle of water.

He says, "You know, you're in luck.

"We've got ties here that sell for 300 in Saks Fifth Avenue,

"you can have them for 200."

He says, "You don't understand. I need water. I have to have it."

He says, "OK. For you, you're a great guy, I'll give the ties for 100."

He says, "You don't understand. I've got this terrible... Water."

He says, "All right, 75 apiece."

He says, "Please." GROANS HOARSELY

"What do you want?

"Walk out of here, follow the white light and you'll get water."

So he dredges in the sand,

he gets down, he's practically crawling, he gets to this house

with the white light, knocks on the door, scratches on the door.

A guy opens it and he says,

"Please, all I need is one little glass of water."

He says, "You know you can't get in here without a tie."

LAUGHTER

This man goes into the emergency room in the hospital.

The nurse comes out and says, "Can I help you? What the problem?"

He says, "Before I tell you what's wrong with me,

"you must promise that you won't laugh."

She says, "Look, I'm a nurse. 25 years.

"I took the Hippocratic oath.

"I would never, ever laugh at a patient's illness.

"What's wrong with you?"

So he drops his pants and she looks down

and there's the smallest penis, the size of an AAA battery.

And she starts laughing hysterically. Tears are coming.

She couldn't believe this.

Finally she gathers herself and says, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

"I shouldn't do this.

"I promised I wouldn't do it. So tell me, what's wrong with you?"

And he says, "It's swollen."

LAUGHTER

There were three German shepherds at the vet,

and they each had their own cage.

And one German shepherd turned to the next and said,

"What are you here for?"

He said, "Well, you know, when my owner came home,

"I got so excited I piddled all over the floor.

"So she sent me here."

And they said, "Oh, you piddled all over the floor.

"What are they going to do to you?"

He said, "They're going to put me to sleep."

"Oh, they're going to put you to sleep."

So they said to the second German shepherd, "And why are you here?"

He said, "Well, the other day the doorbell rang

"and they opened the door and I got so excited I bit the postman.

"So they sent me here."

And they said, "What are they going to do to you?"

He said, "They're going to put me to sleep."

"Oh, they're going to put you to sleep!"

So they said to the third German shepherd, "And why are you here?"

He said, "Well, the other day, my owner was taking a shower

"and I was in the bathroom.

"The towel dropped, she bent over to get it,

"and she looked so good, I jumped on her back and I started humping her."

And they said, "Oh, and they brought you here?"

He said, "Yes."

And they said, "What are they going to do to you?

"Are they going to put you to sleep?"

"Oh," he says, "No. They're just going to trim my nails."

LAUGHTER

You know why Jews have such short necks?

LAUGHTER

A couple die, go to heaven.

They decease at the same time in an automobile accident. It's terrible.

They're greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter.

They're taken to this magnificent home,

it's a sprawling 10,000ft ranch.

They say, "Who lives here?" He says, "You live here."

They say, "What? "We can't afford this."

He says, "It's heaven.

"There's no such thing as "afford" or "not afford".

"This is your home."

He says, "I see a golf course. Who plays on it?"

He says, "You play on it."

"What are the greens fees?"

"They're nothing! Nothing. It's heaven."

He says, "Then when you're finished playing,

"there's a smorgasbord at the club. And you can eat all you want."

He says, "Oh, I'm in Weight Watchers."

He says, "That doesn't matter in heaven. You can't put any weight on."

He says, "Really?"

He turns to her. He says, "You, you schmuck and your fucking granola.

"We could have been here 15 years ago!"

LAUGHTER

This Jewish guy has a ranch in Texas and he has a prize bull.

Every year, this prize bull wins another blue ribbon.

One of his friends goes over and says,

"You know, Morris, it can't win a blue ribbon all the time.

"You got to get a cow so you can continue

"and maybe have other blue ribbons for the offspring.

"Why don't you get a cow?"

He says, "You know, that's a good idea."

He looks on the internet, and he finds out the best cows

in the world are from a town in Russia called Minsk.

He flies over to Minsk, he sees a beautiful cow,

he has her crated, shipped back to Texas.

He has her put in the stable.

He has his friends around and says,

"All right, we're going to see the mating of the bull and the cow.

"Let the cow out."

The cow comes out, is grazing around.

He says, "All right, let the bull go."

The bull comes out, sees the cow, charges after the cow,

ready to mount the cow and the cow wiggles off to the left.

Now the bull is getting more frustrated.

He charges the cow again, ready to mount the cow,

and the cow wiggles off to the right.

Now, he's getting so frustrated steam is coming out of him.

He charges for the cow, mounts the cow, ready to insert himself,

and the cow wiggles away.

And one of Morris' friends says, "Morris, this cow you've got,

"this cow's from Minsk?"

He says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

He says, "My wife's from Minsk!"

LAUGHTER

So, a guy goes into a pet store, and he says, "You know, I live alone."

He says, "I like it that way,

"but sometimes I just miss the sound of a human voice."

He said, "Would you happen to have a talking parrot?"

And the guy says, "You know, as a matter of fact,

"I just got a parrot in the other day -

"talks a blue streak, this parrot, and he's quite beautiful.

"Would you like to look at him?" So he says yes.

He says, "I have him in the back room." So he goes in the back room,

and there's a big parrot cage with a cloth on.

He takes the cloth off and there's this beautiful parrot, green and red,

it's got a beautiful yellow beak and everything, very bright eyed.

The parrot says, "Hello.

"Hello, Polly want a cracker, Polly want a cracker."

He said, "This is great, how much do you want?"

He says, "50 bucks, I'll give you the parrot."

So he takes the parrot and the cage, and the next morning he gets up,

and he goes and he takes the cloth off the parrot cage,

and he says to the parrot, "Good morning."

The parrot says, "Fuck you."

He says, "No, don't talk to me that way."

He says, "Go fuck yourself."

He says, "Look, I don't like that kind of language in my house."

The guy says, "Eat shit."

He says, "Look, you talk any more that way,"

he says, "I'm going to make you sorry."

The parrot says, "Fuck you."

So he takes the parrot, and he puts the parrot in his freezer,

and he leaves the parrot in the freezer for about a half an hour.

He opens the freezer, and the parrot's in there,

and it's shaking and its beak is blue, and it looks terrified.

He takes the parrot out, and he says, "You going to behave yourself now?"

The parrot goes...

He says, "You're not going to talk that way?" The parrot goes...

He says, "OK." The parrot says, "I have one question."

He says, "What?"

He says, "What did the chicken do?"

LAUGHTER

There's a woman that goes into a drug store.

She says, "May I have three D batteries?"

He said, "Come this way."

She said, "Sir, if I could come this way,

"I wouldn't need three D batteries."

LAUGHTER

So there are three Jewish women sitting at the beach,

and the first one says, "Do I have a son!

"You see that condominium over there?

"Mine son got me that condominium.

"That's a son."

The second one says, "That's nothing.

"You see that condominium? My son got me that condominium.

"He got me a condominium in Paris, and he flies me back and forth,

"and forth and back. That's a son."

And the third one says, "That's nothing.

"I have a son. My son goes every day on Park Avenue,

"he pays 500 a day to talk to a psychiatrist,

"and all he does is talk about me."

LAUGHTER

Three women are discussing their respective pregnancies,

and the first woman said, "I believe I'm going to have a boy,

"because when my child was conceived, my husband was on top."

Second woman said, "Well, I believe I'm going to have a girl,

"because when my child was conceived, I was on top."

And the third woman starts to panic. They said, "What's the matter?"

She says, "I'm afraid I'm going to have a puppy."

LAUGHTER

A little Yiddish joke.

Very old lady comes to the doctor, she says,

"Doctor, Ich kann nicht pissen."

He says, "Bubbie, wie alt bist ihr?"

She says, "Acht und achtzig."

He says, "Genug gepisst!"

LAUGHTER

And, speaking of doctors,

a female benefactor is being shown around the hospital by the doctor.

As they look into one of the patient rooms, they both, to the horror

of the female benefactor, see this male patient furiously masturbating.

And the woman says to the doctor, "Oh, my God, what is going on there?"

And the doctor says, "Madam,

"I'm terribly sorry you were exposed to this. This patient has a terrible

"health condition. If he doesn't masturbate at least five times

"a day, his testicles fill up with semen,

"they could rupture and he would be terribly sick."

The woman says, "Oh. In that case, I guess I understand."

They're walking past the next room, and there's another male patient,

and a female nurse is performing oral sex on him.

With that, the woman says, "How can that be justified?"

And the doctor says, "Same condition, better healthcare plan."

LAUGHTER

Elderly gentleman goes into a barber's shop,

comes in, there's no waiting.

The barber says, "Come, sit down, Mr Stein. Hello, how you doing?

"What's new?" Stein says, "What's new?

"Next week, I'm going to celebrate my 60th wedding anniversary."

"My goodness, Mr Stein,

"how wonderful. What's your secret?

"How did you do that?" He says, "How did I do it?

"When we were married 30 years, I took my wife Sylvia to Jerusalem."

"That's it? That's the secret?" He said, "You didn't let me finish.

"Next week, I'm going to go pick her up."

LAUGHTER

There's a story - there's a young, single, successful neurosurgeon

who goes out to the Hamptons for the summer.

At the Hamptons, he goes to one of the places

all the young people go to. It's called Barristers.

He starts talking to one young lady, and they seem to hit it off,

until she asks him, "What do you do for a living?"

He says, "I'm a neurosurgeon."

Then she makes some excuse that she has to leave,

and he meets another lady and the same thing happens.

This goes on the entire night.

So, during the week, he calls a friend of his.

He says, "What was the name of the club?" He says, "Barristers."

"Well, that's the answer. People do not come there to find physicians,

"they're only interested in lawyers.

"Next time, tell them you're an attorney."

Goes back the next weekend, goes to Barristers, meets a young lady,

and when she asks him what he does, he says, "I'm a trial attorney."

She says, "Oh, really?" And they get along really, really well.

They stay together all night, and she invites him back to hers.

Well, he comes home, they're about ready to get into bed

and all of a sudden he starts laughing. He cracks up.

She said, "Did I do something funny?"

"I'm just thinking - I've only been an attorney for an hour,

"already, I'm going to screw somebody!"

LAUGHTER

So these three old Jewish guys were bragging about their sexual exploits.

They decided to boast

and say who can make their wife moan and scream the most.

So the first guy says, "I win hands-down."

He said, "When I'm in the middle of having intercourse with my wife,

"I use a feather, and then she screams...she screams."

The second guy said, "I can top that."

"I do it the Japanese style, and in the middle of it,

"I use these marbles, and it really works,

"and she screams like crazy."

The third guy says, "I don't know what you guys are talking about."

He says, "I just jump on, do my 1-2-6, I want to get off,

"I go over to the drapes and wipe myself off

"and you should hear her screams!"

LAUGHTER

This priest just finished this rousing sermon,

and it was about family and love.

And he wheels around, and he says to one of the congregants,

he says, "And you, sir," he says,

"What would you like to hear them say as they walk by your casket?"

And he says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a hard worker,

"I was a good provider, and I took care of my family."

And he says, "Thank you."

And he points to another congregant, and he says, "And you, sir," he says,

"What would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket?"

And he says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a good father,

"I was a good husband, I was a good brother,

"and I contributed to the church." He says, "Thank you."

And he looks at another congregant, he says, "And you, sir."

He says, "What would you like to hear them say

"as they walk past your casket?"

And he says, "I would like to hear them say,

"'Hey, I think he's moving!'"

LAUGHTER

Two women are standing in front of the old-age home,

and they're smoking, when it starts to drizzle.

One of them reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom,

cuts off the tip and puts it on her cigarette.

Her friend said, "What are you doing?"

"It's starting to drizzle, I don't want my cigarette to get wet."

So her friend said, "That sounds great, what can I do?"

So she said, "Go to the drug store tomorrow,

"it'll cost you a dollar, go to the counter, ask for a box of condoms."

So the woman is 89 years old,

she can barely see, she can barely...hear,

but she goes up to the counter and said, "I vant a box of condoms."

And the guy at the counter says, "You want what?"

"I want a box of condoms!" So he said, "OK, what size?"

And she said, "Size, schmize, as long as it fits on a Camel."

LAUGHTER

Two guys meet in the street, and one says,

"Oh, I haven't seen you in a long time, where you been?"

He says, "Oh, last year we took a trip around the world,

"and this year we're going someplace else."

He says, "You're going someplace... Where's someplace else?"

"Going to Africa on a safari."

He says, "Africa? You could get killed there!"

He says, "Don't be a schmuck, go to Florida."

He says, "That word you just used, it's not a very nice word,

"please don't use it to me."

He says, "But there you'll be, trudging through the jungle,

"a tsetse fly will come along, bite you on the cheek,

"your head will swell up like a balloon."

He says, "Don't be a schmuck, go to Miami Beach."

He says, "I asked you in a nice way not to use that word,

"and you used it again, please don't use that word to me."

He says, "And there, half-blind, you'll trudge through the jungle,

"a tiger will climb up behind you, grab you by the shoulder,

"rip your arm off, you could drown in your own blood!

"Don't be a schmuck, check into the Fontainebleau!"

He says, "Twice, I asked you like a gentleman not to use that word,

"and again you use it!"

He says, "I'm warning you, don't use that word to me."

He says, "And there, drowning in your own blood,

"a boa constrictor will come along,

"wrap the coils around you, crush you dead.

"Listen to me, you'll never get a better word of advice,

"don't be a schmuck, go south!"

He says, "You're not a gentleman!"

He says, "I'm walking away from you!"

He walks away.

Weeks later, he sails... he takes the plane to Africa.

Trudging through the jungle, a tsetse fly comes along,

bites him on the cheek, head swells up like a balloon.

Half blind, he staggers along, tiger comes along, rips his arm off.

He falls in a pool of blood.

And as he's drowning in his own blood,

a boa constrictor comes along, wraps the coils around him,

and as the boa constrictor is slowly crushing him to death,

up above, the vultures are flying,

screaming, "Schmuck, schmuck, schmuck!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Two old Jewish friends meet on the street, Max and Abe,

and Abe has a grin on his face,

and Max says, "What are you so happy about?"

He says, "I'll tell you what I'm so happy about.

"Down the block, I found a brothel, and in this brothel,

"if you go in there, you pay 50, you ask for Gina,

"a gorgeous girl comes out, huge breasts, she takes your penis.

"On my penis she puts chocolate, ice cream,

"nuts, syrup, whipped cream,

"and then she eats the whole thing off, it's fantastic!"

So his friend says, "Oh, I think I'll try that."

A couple of days later, they meet on the street,

and the friend is pissed as hell.

And he says, "What's wrong with you?"

He says, "I'll tell you what's wrong with me!

"I went to that brothel that you recommended!"

He says, "Yeah, so?"

He says, "I asked for Gina, I paid my 50,

"beautiful girl with big breasts."

He says, "Yeah, so?" He says, "She takes my penis,

"she puts on it cream cheese, a bagel, lox, onion, tomato!"

"Yeah, so?"

"It looked so good I ate it myself!"

LAUGHTER

A man has been having trouble with his elbow for a long time,

complaining and complaining, but he hates doctors.

He thinks they're all a bunch of quacks.

But his wife says to him, "Honey, you've got to go to the doctor,

"I can't listen to you complain any more.

"You've been complaining about this for ever.

"Somebody told me about this great Jewish doctor, go see him."

So he finally agrees, so he goes to the doctor,

and the doctor gives him a very quick examination,

and he says, "You have tennis elbow."

He says, "Tennis elbow?

"I've never played tennis in my life, how can I have tennis elbow?"

He says, "Believe me, I'm 100% sure, you have tennis elbow,

"but we'll run a few tests if it makes you feel better.

"Come back tomorrow, bring your urine sample, we'll take care of it."

So he leaves, and he's thinking, "OK, like I said,

"doctors are all a bunch of quacks, how can I have tennis elbow?"

So he goes home, he tells his wife about it.

Next day, he's preparing to go back to the doctor,

and he says, "I'm going to get this doctor, you watch and see."

So he takes the urine sample cup, he has his wife pee in it,

he has his daughter pee in it, he has his dog pee in it,

and finally he ejaculates into it,

and he shakes it all up and takes it to the doctor.

They go and they run the tests, he goes into the doctor's office,

knowing he's going to get this guy, and he sits down, the doctor says,

"First of all, your wife has the clap.

"Second, your daughter's pregnant.

"Third, your dog has rabies.

"And fourth, if you don't stop jerking off,

"you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So this guy goes to prison, he's very scared.

The first day, he's sitting at lunch, and when lunch is over,

he sees someone get up on the table, one of the inmates,

and he says, "32."

And everybody in the whole place laughs.

And then he says, "68," and people are roaring.

He says to the guy next to him, "What's going on?"

And the guy says, "Well, we've all been here so long,

"we've heard all the jokes, so we memorise them,

"so we don't have to retell them, we just say the number

"and people remember it, and then they laugh."

This guy thinks it's terrific,

so he spends the next year memorising all the jokes.

He finally gets up the nerve to go up,

and he gets up there on the table and he says...

"55!"

Dead silence.

And then he picks the sure-fire one, he says, "103!"

Nothing happens.

So he goes back to his seat, and he says to the guy,

"What happened? What went wrong?"

The guy says, "Well, some people can tell jokes and some people can't."

LAUGHTER

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd