Episode 2 More Old Jews Telling Jokes

This programme contains some strong language

This young woman had just heard that her 98-year-old grandfather has died

and so she goes to pay her grandmother a visit

and they're talking, and she says, "Grandma, how did it happen?"

And Grandma says, "Well, it was Sunday morning,

"we were making love..."

And she says, "Grandma, two people almost 100 years old having sex,

"that can be very dangerous!" And her grandmother says,

"No, no, no, we worked it out, just exactly right for us.

"We always did it on Sunday morning in time with the church bells -

"- ding, dong,

"ding, dong,

"in with the ding, out with the dong."

"Oh, my, if it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck

"your grandfather would still be here."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Man gets on an airplane, three seats on each side of the aisle.

In this row there's a man sitting at the window

and a dog in the middle seat and the aisle seat is empty.

He says to the man, "Is that your dog?"

He says, "Yes." He said, "You can't bring a dog on an airplane."

He says, "I'm a Federal DEA agent, that's my scout, he goes where I go."

"But don't be concerned, he's extremely well trained

"and you're free to sit there."

So he sits down.

Plane takes off, becomes airborne, dog gets up,

walks up and down the aisle, jumps back in his seat,

pats the agent on the arm.

Guy says, "What was that all about?"

He says, "See that man in the fourth row on the window-side?"

He said, "Yes." "He's carrying marijuana."

"Really?! What are you gonna do?" "I'll take care of it when we land."

Dog gets up again, back and forth, jumps in his seat...

"What was that?"

"27, on the aisle - cocaine."

He said, "That dog's miraculous." Dog gets up a third time.

Up and down the aisle, jumps in the agent's lap and takes a dump.

Guy says, "What does THAT mean?"

"There's a BOMB on the plane!"

LAUGHTER

Parachute training in Israel.

Guy comes back from his first flight to be...

his first jump, and his friend said, "Well, how did it go?"

He says, "Oh, it was really scary.

"I was the last one cos I couldn't go first.

"I was last in line and everybody is jumping

"and I'm getting scareder and scareder and scareder,

"and finally it's my turn and I'm holding on

"and I said, 'I can't do it! I can't jump! I can't!'

"And the sergeant says to me,

"'If you don't jump, I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!'"

His friend said, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little at first."

LAUGHTER

And it was 2005.

The Wrigley corporation had recently taken over the Lifesavers company.

They had purchased the company and they were testing out

their flagship product, which was a honey-flavoured Lifesaver.

So they decided to bring in a panel of children.

They had a first-grade class - all these six-year-olds were there.

And they were being told that they were being given a Lifesaver to taste,

and they needed to shout out what the flavour was of that Lifesaver.

Unfortunately, the colour was brown, because they were honey-flavoured Lifesavers

and so they children were guessing wildly.

"Chocolate!" said one. A little in the back said, "Root beer!"

Somebody else said, "Coffee!"

And they were all wrong, they were getting discouraged,

so the marketing people took note,

and indicated that the colour may be a factor.

Don't carry that on. But to help the children they said,

"We're going to give you a little hint."

Think about what Mommy calls Daddy sometimes.

And with that a little boy in the back row jumped up and he said,

"Spit 'em out everybody - they're assholes!"

LAUGHTER

There were these two partners in the garment centre,

they had a little schmutter business named after them -

Abramowitz and Zeplowitz.

They'd been going for years, and it was very slow.

One day Zeplowitz comes in, he says,

"You know, we gotta change our image.

"I'm changing my name to Worthington.

"I don't wanna have such a Jewish name, I want us to sound American."

So, Abramowitz looks at him and he's thinking, he says,

"You know, I like that idea, I'm gonna do that too.

"I'm gonna be Worthington, also.

"We'll have a business, Worthington and Worthington."

They shake on it, very happy. So they get the door...

the sign on the door and new cards.

So the first day under that new name, they're standing there, the phone rings.

The Receptionist picks up - "Worthington and Worthington."

And they look at each other, very proud.

She says, "Which Worthington do you want - Abramowitz or Zeplowitz?"

LAUGHTER

Two old ladies sitting on a porch

doing nothing in their retirement home.

One turns to the other and says, "Do you still get horny?"

She says, "I sure do!"

She says, "Well, what do you do?"

She says, "I suck a Lifesaver."

Couple of minutes later the first one turns and says,

"Who drives you to the beach?"

LAUGHTER

The farmer wants to buy a stud rooster.

The vet's selling all these various animals and whatever.

He says, "I got one here,

"the best one I have, won the grand prize, it'll cost you 500."

Farmer says, "I want that one."

He takes the rooster, sits him alongside him, and he says,

"Where are they? Where are they? Take me to them."

Farmer says, "There'll be more than you can handle."

He says, "Never enough. Never enough."

Farmer takes him to the farm, and there's a hen house with 200 hens.

He throws the rooster in there and you hear bauwk-buk-buk, bauwk-buk-buk.

They're going' crazy, the wings are flapping,

the feathers are flying... Suddenly silence prevails.

Farmer goes tip-toeing in and he sees all the hens are sleeping,

snoring, contented smiles on their faces,

and the rooster is parading up and down.

"Where are they? I need more!"

He says, "Isn't this enough?

Don't you wanna relax and sleep it off, and regain your energy?"

"I want more! Never enough! Never enough!"

Takes him to another henhouse with 400 hens.

Throws him in - bauwk-buk-buk, buk-buk-buawk..!

Well, again, silence prevails and the farmer runs over.

Again the same thing - they're all sleeping, snoring, smiling.

And he's strutting up and down - the rooster.

And he says, "That's all I have." But he says, "I want more!"

He says, "Maybe you've got some cows, sheep...?"

He says, "YOU want....?!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

It's a warm, summer day, so he throws him in the meadow.

You hear the cows going moooo, moooo, the sheep - baaaa, baaaa,

the horses - neerrrhh, and finally he hears no more noise.

He looks up and there's buzzards flying overhead,

coming down for the kill.

And the cows, the horses and the sheep and the pigs -

they're all lying on their sides snoring away.

And the rooster was lying there,

with his head dangling into a hole, his mouth open...

almost like rigor mortis.

Farmer walks over - "You see, you screwed yourself to death."

"I warned you to rela..." And the buzzards are flying overhead, about to come down...

He says, "Shut up, you schmuck,

"if you wanna screw a buzzard, you gotta play this game all the way."

LAUGHTER

A masked man toting an AK-47 bursts into a bank

and proceeds to rob the bank.

One of the robbers' masks falls down and he puts it up real fast.

And there were a couple of people standing off to his right,

and he said to one of the guys...

"Tell me, did you see my face?"

And the guy says, "Yeah, I did."

Bang! He shoots him.

And there was another guy standing by that guy and he says,

"When my mask fell down...

"..did you see my face?" He says, "Yes." Bang!

He shoots him.

There was a third guy standing there, and he says to this guy...

"Excuse me, did you see my face?"

And the guy says, "No. I didn't."

"But my wife did."

LAUGHTER

Maury's of an age and he marries this much, much, much younger woman.

As a result, they're having some problems in intimacy and sexuality.

The younger woman is just not being satisfied.

So they decide they're going to go to the rabbi.

They explain themselves -

that he's trying to satisfy his young wife and he's been unable to so.

So the rabbi strokes his beard

and he says to Maury, "Let's do something that they did years ago.

"Why don't you go out get a nice, handsome, young man,

"have him come in when you're making love, and have him wave a towel

"while you're having intimacy."

So they say OK. They agree to do what the rabbi suggests.

They go out they get this handsome young man,

comes into the bedroom with them,

Maury gets into bed with his young beautiful wife,

the young man's waving the towel while they're in bed.

At the end, they do this a couple of times,

and there's no satisfaction for her.

So they decide to go back to see the rabbi again.

So they go and see the rabbi and the rabbi listens to them and says,

"Listen, why don't you go back, do it, but just reverse roles -

"Maury, you wave the towel,

"the handsome young man gets in the bed with the wife,

"and let's see what that does."

"Cos we do anything in the Jewish tradition to satisfy our wives."

So they go back home, and they go into the bedroom,

the handsome young man comes into the bedroom,

Maury picks up the towel, explains to the handsome young man

what has to be done.

He gets into bed with the wife,

and they're having intimate, passionate sex

and she's screaming and she's going absolutely erotic

in this wild orgasm.

And Maury looks at the young man and he says,

"Schmuck, this is how you wave a towel!"

LAUGHTER

Mr and Mrs Shapiro also go to a doctor.

And at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs Shapiro.

"Mrs Shapiro, you're fine,

"your husband is fine, but I have one problem."

"Your husband tells me his sex life has a little problem.

"So what's the problem?"

"Well," he says, "the first time is perfectly fine, but the second time,

"he starts to perspire and sweat and he's completely soaked afterwards.

"Do you understand that?"

She said, "Yeah."

"The first time's November, the second time is July."

LAUGHTER

Couple, married a good 30 or 40 years,

and they're lying in bed together

and all of a sudden the wife, out of nowhere,

she feels her husband's hand under her thigh.

And she says, "Oh, boy, this is good. This is gonna be a good evening."

A little bit later she feels her husband's hand under her buttocks

and she says, "Boy, terrific, tonight's my night."

Next moment she feels his hand in between her legs.

And then all of a sudden everything stops.

She says, "Irving, what happened?"

He says, "I found the remote."

LAUGHTER

This 95-year-old guy walks into a whorehouse,

and he's met by the madam,

and she says, "What are you doin' here, old man?

"Are you lost? You need money, some change?"

He says, "Don't you vorry what I'm doin'.

"I got 100 for the best hooker you got!"

She says, "100 for the best hooker...?

"My best hooker will break you in half. What are you talkin' about?"

He says, "Don't you vorry, I'm up for it, here's 100 bucks."

She says, "OK, go into Room 6."

Well, about ten minutes later he gets to Room 6, he opens the door,

and there's a beautiful young lady sitting on the bed

and she says, "Hey, old man, get outta here.

"I'm waiting for my john."

He says, "I'm your johnny-baby, don't you vorry about that!"

And she says, "You're my johnny-baby? You're 130 years old.

"I could hurt you." He says, "Don't you worry, I'm man enough for you."

She says, "Really? Let's see."

So he drops his trousers and she looks at him, and she says,

"I don't know if I can give you 100 of pleasure with what's left of that thing."

He goes, "What's the matter? Not big enough?"

She goes, "Not really." He goes...

(SNAP!) ..and his penis extends three inches, she goes,

"Oh, my god, can you do that again?"

(SNAP!) His penis extends another three inches. Unbelievable.

She says, "How do you make it go back?" He goes... (THUMP!)

And it contracts three inches. "Can you do that again?"

(THUMP!) Contracts another three inches.

She says, "Well, I'm game if you are. I've never seen this before.

"You want the bottom or the top?"

He says, "Well, I had to walk all the way here, I'll take the bottom."

So she gets on top of him, and he goes,

# If I were a rich man... # (THUMP! SNAP! THUMP!)

LAUGHTER

There's a woman that's getting married for the fourth time

and she's getting married to a lawyer.

She's really excited, so she goes to the dressmaker and she says,

"Could you tailor me a beautiful white gown to walk down the aisle?"

The tailor says, "With all due respect, after three husbands,

"maybe something in an off-white or an ecru would be more appropriate."

She says, "No, I've maintained my virginity through three husbands

"and I'd like to walk down in white."

He says, "You maintained your virginity through three husbands,

"now you're marrying a lawyer - how do you explain this?"

She said, "My first husband John was a gynaecologist

"and all he ever did to me at night during our marriage

"was get under the covers, look at it, examine it, that's all he would ever do to me.

"My second husband, Sigmund, was a psychiatrist

"and all he ever did to me during our married life was get under

"the covers and talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.

"My third husband, Lester, was a stamp collector. I really miss Lester.

"But now I'm gettin' married to a lawyer, I know I'm gonna get fucked!"

LAUGHTER

A Hasidic rabbi walks into a bar and has a frog on his shoulder

and the bartender says to him, "Where did you get him from?"

And the frog says, "Oh, they're all over Brooklyn."

An old man is sitting on his rocking chair, rocking comfortably away

and over a hill in front of his house

comes a young boy carrying something in his arms.

Old man says, "Hey, kid, what you got there?"

"Got me some chicken wire."

"What are you going to do with the chicken wire?"

"I'm going to catch me some chickens."

"You damn fool, you can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire."

Of course, later that afternoon up that hill comes that kid

dragging that chicken wire, bunch of chickens attached to it.

Next morning over the hill comes that kid,

holding something in his hands.

"Hey, kid, what you got there?" says the old man.

"I got me some duck tape."

"What are you going to do with that duck tape?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks."

"Oh, you damn fool, you can't catch no ducks with no duck tape."

Lo and behold later that afternoon,

up that hill comes that kid dragging that roll of tape,

a bunch of ducks stuck to it.

Next morning, kid comes over the hill,

passes the old man carrying something in his hand.

Old man says, "Hey, kid, what you got there?"

The kid says, "I got me some pussy willow."

Old man says, "Hang on, let me get my hat."

Sammy comes home from work

and he says to Becky, "Becky, I can't do it any more.

"My arthritis is killing me, I can't work any more.

"You're going to have to go out to work."

She says, "Me, work? "I never worked a day in my life!"

He says, "Eh, you be a whore."

"Be a whore? How do I do that?"

He says, "Well, put your best dress on, put your lipstick on,

"your best make-up, fix up your hair, put on your best stockings, go out

"and every man you meet you say, 'Hey, buddy, you want a good time?'"

So she says, "Well, we need the money." So she goes out.

Three and a half hours later she comes back

and Sammy says, "How did you do?"

Becky is ripped to shreds.

Her buttons are all pulled off, her bra is half on, half off,

her dress is half on half off, stockings are down by her ankles,

her hair is all messed up and she says, "Well, I made 35.10."

He said, "10 cents? Who gave you 10 cents?"

She says, "Everybody gave me 10 cents."

Schwartz had a chicken farm

and he had a long-time customer, Gottesman Kosher Butchers.

Gottesman had been a customer for years and years

and they always did good business together

and Schwartz noticed Gottesman was getting slow on his payments.

But when he got up to about 80,000, Schwartz was upset about it

and he spoke to Gottesman and said, "You've got to give me some money."

He promised him a 10,000 cheque by the end of the month,

the cheque never showed up.

Promised him again, the cheque never showed up.

So Gottesman went to his lawyers, McCarter and English,

and he told them to sue. They start to sue.

Gottesman files an answer.

He says, "The chickens were no good.

"He didn't give me as many chickens as he's charging me for.

"The chickens wouldn't sell because they were so out of date,

"and anyway, I don't know anybody named Schwartz and I paid him."

Schwartz is angered by this reply and tells his lawyers,

"We'll get him.

The lawyer says, "You know, Mr Schwartz, we've got a problem.

"You've got a nice family business but you've got no records.

"You've got no invoices, you've got no sales records,

"you've got no shipping records, you've got nothing.

"We're going to go to court

"and it's going to be your word against Gottesman's.

Schwartz says, "I don't care.

"The son of a gun is not playing fair with me,

"I'll take care of it - I'll send a chicken."

He said, "Send who a chicken?" He said, "Judge Reichoff."

He said, "You can't send Judge Reichoff a chicken,

"he'll be very insulted,

"he'll be outraged and probably call the prosecutor

"and you'll never win the case with stuff like that with Judge Reichoff.

"Don't do it."

"All right, no chicken."

They go to court, Schwartz testifies, Gottesman testifies.

At the end of the case, Judge Reichoff says,

"It would be an easier case to decide if there were records

"but there are none, so I've had to judge the two men who appear before me

"and I find Schwartz to be a man of great character, complete credibility.

"Gottesman is obviously a dodgy character and not worthy of belief.

"Judgement for Schwartz, 80,000."

As they're going down the steps of the courthouse,

Schwartz says to his lawyer, "Great lawyer you are(!)

"You wanted me to settle, you wanted me to take less than I got!

"I took care of it." He said, "What do you mean you took care of it?"

He says, "I sent him a chicken."

"You sent Reichoff a chicken?" He says, "Yeah."

"That was a terrible thing to do."

He says, "Yeah, I sent him a note along with it."

"My God, what did the note say?"

It said, "Judge Reichoff, enjoy the chicken

"and your family should enjoy it too

"and there's more where that came from, if you know what I mean."

"And I signed it - Gottesman."

The kid's sitting in the back,

teacher's walking round the room with the lesson.

All of a sudden the kids are laughing, they're giggling, they're pointing.

She looks and sees Bobby is playing with himself in his private parts.

She comes over to him -

"What are you doing? This is horrible!"

He says, teacher, "I don't mean you any disrespect, believe me,

"but I was just circumcised yesterday and it itches terribly."

She says, "All right, you know what?

"I'm sending you to the principal's office.

"I want you to ask him to make a phone call to your mother

"and she should, and take you home from school."

So he goes to the principal's office, it happens, makes his call,

comes back, he's sitting down in the classroom and again,

the class starts giggling and laughing, carrying on.

The teacher looks this time - he's got his penis out of his pants.

She says to him, "That's it, brother. This is totally uncalled for."

She says, "Did you call your mother?" He says, "Yes."

"And?"

"She told me to stick it out until after lunch."

Bernie, an old Jew in the clothing business for many years,

is retiring, and his friends ask him,

"What are you going to do after you retire?"

He says, "Well, I think I'll go down

"and I'll join the New York Athletic Club."

They say, "Bernie, are you crazy? They'll never let a Jew in there."

Bernie says, "Well, I have my ways. I think I can get in."

So sure enough, after Bernie retires,

he puts on a blue blazer with gold buttons,

puts on a pinstripe shirt, red silk tie, khaki dockers, boat shoes,

and he goes on down to the New York Athletic Club to interview.

He gets taken into a sumptuous room and a very elegant man,

well-dressed, comes out to interview him,

sits down opposite Bernie and says, "Your name, sir?"

And Bernie says, "Yes, it's Bernard Throckmorton III."

And the interviewer writes it down.

He says, "And what line of work are you in, sir?"

He says, "Yes, well I'm retired now but for many years,

"I had a small boutique advertising agency on Park Avenue."

And the interviewer writes it down. He says, "Are you married, sir?"

"Yes, my wife, Mary, does quite a bit of work for the Junior League."

"Children?"

"Yes, I have two children, Buffy and Chip

"and they will be matriculating this year

"at Harvard and Yale respectively."

He says, "I see, sir. And your religion?"

"Oh, yes, we're goyim."

I recently had to spend an evening at Central State Hospital

and the guy in the bed next to me wasn't doing too well

and half way through the night,

the doctor came into the room, pulled the curtain between us,

went over to the man and his wife and said,

"We've done all the can for you.

"You're not going to make it through the night.

"So, all I suggest is, try to make your husband as comfortable as possible."

He leaves. It's about 12 o'clock at night and I can't sleep.

I'm laying in my bed.

She says, "Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"

He says, "Well I really don't feel all that bad.

"I'd really like to do it one more time."

She climbs into bed with him, I hear the bed going up and down,

they're going at it for about 40 minutes.

Finally they finish, she's moaning and groaning,

he says, "That was terrific."

She sitting in the chair, it's now about 1.30.

She says, Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"

He says, "I really feel great and I'd love to do it again."

It's about 2.30 in the morning.

Jumps into the sack again, they go at it for about 40 minutes.

I can't believe it,

I can't fall asleep and he's moaning and groaning and it's wonderful.

Now it's about 3.30 in the morning and she says to him,

"Darling, how can I make you more comfortable?"

He says, "You know, I really feel good.

"I'd like to do it one more time."

She looks at him and says, "Sure(!) You don't have to get up in the morning!"

Morris and Sue lived in Brooklyn and Sue says to Morris, she says,

"You know, Morris, I'm just sick and tired of the chickens

"that I'm getting from the chicken market.

"That kosher market, all they do is give me them skinny chickens.

"All I get is a lot of bones!"

He says, "What do you want from me?"

She says, "I tell you what, I've got a great idea.

"You go down to the chicken market and you'll buy a live chicken.

"Then you'll bring it home, I'll feed it and I'll fatten it up

"and then you'll take it to the shoykhet."

She says, "And then we'll have a good chicken dinner."

He says, "Oy, bist meshuge."

"Please, humour me." "All right!"

So, he goes down to the chicken market and he buys this chicken.

He's got a live chicken.

It's a little chicken, they put it in a bag, and he comes home,

puts his hand in his pocket, he's got to get the key...

and he ain't got the key.

He doesn't have a key and he's standing there with a chicken.

He rings the doorbell, no answer.

He knocks on the door, no answer.

He looks through the glass on the door

and he sees a note on the kitchen table.

"Went to visit my sister, will be back in three hours."

So, he sits down on the stoop and he's thinking and thinking,

"What am I going to do for three hours with this chicken?"

And as he's doing, he's looking down the street

and he sees the movie theatre.

"I'll go to the movies!

"But they're not going to let me in with the chicken."

So he takes the chicken, puts it in this,

closes his pants, jacket and he walks into the theatre.

Sits down, and of course the minute he sits down, outs pops the head.

Two little old ladies are sitting next to him.

One says, "Sadie, you should see what's coming out of his pants!"

"Don't bother me, I'm watching the movies!"

"Sadie, you got to see what's coming out of his pants!"

"I told you, don't bother me, I'm watching the movie!"

"Please, take a look!"

"Oy, don't bother me! You see one, you've seen them all."

She says, "Yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

LAUGHTER

These two older ladies are sitting on the back porch

and they're talking and Bessie says,

"Oh, my life has been just wonderful. I met a new man."

The other lady says, "Fantastic."

She says, "And he takes me all over the world."

She says, "Fantastic."

"And he's redoing my house."

"Fantastic."

"And he still has a little lead in the pencil."

She says, "Fantastic."

"So, what have you been doing?"

"I've been at charm school."

"What did you learn at charm school?"

"I learned to say 'fantastic' instead of bullshit.'"

LAUGHTER

This gentleman is on his way to work one morning very early

and he's on the interstate and suddenly he looks in his

rear-view mirror and there's the red light, telling him to pull over.

So, he pulls over and State Highway Patrolman comes up

and he's got his ticket book out.

He starts to write the ticket and the guy says,

"Wait, please, officer." He says, "I have a very good excuse."

He says, "I'm late for work

"and I work at the hospital and you've got to let me go,

"otherwise I'm going to be really late and they depend on me."

The guy's still writing the ticket. He says, "No excuses."

He said, "Where do you work in the hospital?"

He said, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher in the surgery."

He says, "A what?!"

He says, "A rectum stretcher."

He says, "I've got to still give you a ticket."

He says, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

He said, "Well, they put the patient on the table,

"put him on his hands and knees.

"I get back there and I get my fingers in

"and I get my fist in there and then pretty soon

"I've got both fists in there."

And he says, "I can pull that rectum out six feet."

He said, "Six feet? What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

He said, "You put him on an overpass with a radar gun."

LAUGHTER

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