Episode 6 Morgana Robinson's The Agency

This programme contains some strong language

This is Mann Management,

one of the UK's foremost celebrity talent agencies.

Their illustrious client base is managed by

agent to the stars Vincent Mann.

What does it take to be a great agent?

The ability to convince people that you're right when you know

full well that you're wrong.

In an unprecedented move, he's given our documentary crew

unlimited access to both his agency and his superstar clients.

This is the golden age of celebrity.

Once you've made it you can do anything.

You've got stand-ups on bikes, cyclists on panel shows...

Christ, I've even got Danny Dyer a gig on a history programme!

Welcome to Time Team. I'm Danny Dyer.

Baldrick ain't here, he's having laser eye surgery,

so I'm taking over the game.

Sweet!

Let's do some archaenology.

Achreology. Archo...

Fuck it, digging. Let's do some digging.

What you found there, bub?

Well, not much at the moment,

but we think this discoloured earth here shows there was

-a dwelling on this site.

-Oh, yeah?

All the good stuff's gone in his pockets, I'll wager.

Go on, crack on, son.

Here, you're going to need a bigger spade than that.

Geezer over there, he's using a toothbrush.

Oh, this is going to take fucking ages!

This lovely old Doris don't mind getting her hands dirty.

Got any treasure for me, sweetheart?

-No, Daniel, no treasure, but lots of pottery fragments.

-Oh, yeah?

How much are they worth, then?

Well, not much, but they tell us an awful lot.

I tell me you need to get yourself a geezer, get your leg over.

I'm only having a bubble, darlin'.

-So, come on...

-CRUNCH!

..what's the best thing you've ever found?

Well, I found a very rare coin from the Ottoman Empire.

Oh, this is proper boring, this!

Can't we get a JCB in?

Danny, you might want to look at this!

Oh, here we go, it's all kicking off!

Come on!

-Fuck me, this went bad, didn't it?

-Well, yes.

No-one tells no-one about nothing, OK?

That's rule number one in my gaff - you never grass.

But this could be of great significance.

-I'm telling you, bury him back up, keep schtum!

-But...

Do it!

Danny Dyer ain't no grass.

I'm a man of old-fashioned principles.

Come on.

You can help an' all, love, come on!

Right, job done. This never happened, let's scarper.

Now.

Oh, I've lost the keys to me Range Rover.

Oh, they must have fallen in the hole with the dead geezer!

You two are good at finding things, ain't ya? Well, come on!

It ain't going to dig itself.

I've got to pick me treacle up from Zumba in a half hour.

Look lively!

At the office, Vincent is having his daily catch-up

with assistant Rachel.

And Joanna Lumley has got that shoot today for her yoghurt commercial.

Now, that is good news.

Frankly, she could do with the money.

-Mm.

-Not that she can get her head round that.

Talking of heads, what is that?

Are you growing a new one?

-It's just a spot.

-That is not just a spot.

Anyway, Jo Lumley, make sure you get her to the shoot.

Jojo needs this. She's going through a rough patch.

Not unlike your chin!

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh...

That was funny, that was.

Joanna Lumley may not be fully aware,

but her exotic lifestyle has come at a premium.

And for Rachel, the challenge is getting Jo

out of the house and into work.

Yes, come in. Come in. Meet my yogi.

Tell me, are you the new stable girl?

I've been working with Joanna for about three years now.

She doesn't have a stable.

No, I've come to pick you up for the commercial. Do you remember?

We're a bit tight on time.

HE CHANTS

-Oh, he hasn't spoken in months!

-What's he saying?

I've absolutely no idea. Isn't it extraordinary?

If we could just make our way out to the car...

Oh, do we have to do it today, darling?

It seems such a shame to break up the party.

I was just about to do my Patsy. Shall I do my Patsy?

Joanna thinks that she can get away with anything by doing her Patsy.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,

where's the bloody Bolly, Eddie?

Can I borrow the car?

-It's good, isn't it?

-Mm-hm.

The only person it really works on his Vinny.

If you get a chance, ask her to do her Patsy.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, where's the bloody Bolly?

It's like that.

But better.

Oh, look, we're travelling.

Like Romanies.

They're an hour late, but Rachel finally has Joanna out of the house

and en route to the yoghurt commercial.

Joanna, do you mind if I ask how you are with the lines?

Oh, how kind of you to ask. I've been up all night poring over them.

I've got the script here.

I'm not sure that's today's script, Joanna.

Oh, they're all the same, darling, trust me.

People hire Jojo for Jojo - game old bird.

If you want some old wild bird you get in Denchy or Dame Mags.

-Go on, sweetie, test me.

-OK...

"What have you got there, Joanna?"

-Should we go again?

-Oh, yes, let's. What have you got there, Joanna?

-No, that's the other character.

-Oh, they've got a line too?

-Oh, that's made my day.

-What have you got there, Joanna?

Oh, Fortnum's! Pull over, Dicky, hampers all round. My treat.

Oh, and there's a Boots next door.

I can pop in and get some concealer for your little friend.

With a direct line to some of the nation's biggest stars,

we were able to take them back to the days before they were famous.

What did I want to be when I grew up? Dinner lady.

That was always the game plan early on.

What did I want to be when I grew up?

An illusionist, like Houdini or Siegfried & Roy and all that mob.

A physiotherapist for men's rugby teams who specialises in groin work.

Who wouldn't want to see Danny Dyer make an elephant disappear,

or sit in a glass box or something?

Then it turned out that I'd a god-given talent to sing

like Aretha Franklin or one of them lot, so I never made it

as a dinner lady, which is a shame, really, cos I fancied that.

I'm one of the lucky ones, mate,

because I've become exactly what I wanted to be when I was a kid -

a social media opinion-former,

Instagram specialist and co-writer of disposable lifestyle guidebooks.

What did I want to be when I grew up?

A free spirit with a lifelong record contract that I couldn't get out of.

What did I want to be when I grew up?

A beautiful dolphin with incredible cheekbones.

Even celebrities harbour dreams.

And for Natalie Cassidy, that dream is to one day host The One Show.

I first realised I'd be perfect for The One Show when I was

working at Robert Dyas between Sonya stints.

Cliff on electrics said I had the common touch

of a broadcasting genius.

So I've come up with a game plan to get me foot in the door.

Well, sometimes it's practical to get tactical -

that's me new mantra.

I seen it on a Facebook meme.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

-SHE YELLS:

-Kat, does Alex Jones off One Show still go leisure centre?

Shut up, Nat, I'm doing my Insanity.

Yeah, but does she still go, though?

Dad, tell her!

She's doing her Insanity!

Yeah, I know, but she only has to say yes or no, though!

-MUSIC STOPS

-Thanks a lot, Nat,

you've ruined my Insanity. Now I'll be fat forever.

-But does she still go, though?

-I don't know, Nat! God!

I was only asking.

When Kat finally started talking to me again,

she confirmed that Alex Jones off One Show does something

called Bikram yoga up the leisure centre.

I'm just hoping that if we bump into each other we'll get chatting

and she'll see that I'm the perfect stand-in for her next time

she goes on her holidays.

Well, I've got here an hour early, just to be safe.

We'll just sit and see if she turns up.

Half an hour early would have been enough, probably.

SHE SIGHS

# Call on me, call on me

# Call on me

# I'm the same boy I used to be. #

SHE SNORES

SHE SNORTS

Oh, I haven't nodded off, have I?

Oh, I've probably missed her now!

What time is it?

Hang on, that's her, isn't it?

It is!

Right, wish me luck. Operation Yoga is go.

'What I'll do is I'll play it cool, let Alex do her Bikram first,

'and then just see if she fancies a quick frappuccino at Costa's after.'

Bloody hell!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, you're double joking -

you're not even Alex Jones!

SHE SIGHS

I am a bit disappointed it wasn't Alex Jones off One Show at Bikram,

but I still feel positive about achieving

me One Show presenting dream.

Well, nothing worth doing comes easy, does it?

Another one of me Facebook catchphrases.

At Mann Management, Vincent has some potentially

career-changing news for Miranda Hart,

who is determined to be taken more seriously as an actor.

Good news, Miranda - you wanted to do some serious acting, well,

-the big one's coming.

-Orange Is The New Black?!

You told them I'm happy to do lezzy stuff, yeah?

I am no stranger to ladies' parts after an all-girl boarding school

and five series of Call The Midwife.

No, it's better than that - Game Of Thrones!

Mirandor of Hartland at your service, my liege.

How did you swing that one, Vincent?

Well, to be honest, you know they've been going for six seasons...

Ooh, seasons, I love that.

So much better than series, isn't it?

Those Americans with their seasons and their fanny packs -

oh, what larks! It's a big time for me.

Yeah, well, they've been going for so long and they've killed off

so many characters they've worked their way through pretty much

every British actor going. I know for a fact they've seen

Pauline Quirke, Richard Blackwood and Justin from CBeebies this week.

You've got a casting!

Now, be honest, Vincenzo,

they want a flash of the old boobarellas, don't they?

-I'm pretty sure they don't, actually.

-I don't mind.

If I'm to be taken seriously I'll have to get the old

Bafta-catchers out at some point, won't I?

-They haven't mentioned a sex scene.

-We must insist!

Tell them I'll only get jiggy with Jon Snow.

Stipulate that in my contract.

And make sure they don't think we're talking about Jon Snow

-from Channel 4 News.

-SHE SNORTS

He's got a lot of colourful ties and he knows how to use them,

but I'm not going there again.

You wanted to do some serious acting, here's your chance.

Oh, gosh, it's not a sex scene with that little chap, is it?

Have you told them I'm 6'1"? Cos that would be mega awks!

I don't think you've got a scene with Peter Dinklage -

it's quite a small part.

Oh, Dinklage! Ha-ha! Small part!

This stuff writes itself.

Right, I'm off to Immac me bosoms.

Oh!

Serious acting from now on, you said.

I'm fine, I am fine.

To Mordor!

Yeah, that's not...

Never mind.

After a lengthy detour to Fortnum & Mason,

Rachel has finally delivered Joanna

to the set of her yoghurt commercial.

And what's more, darling, I have a brand-new friend -

bacteria.

Enchante!

Cut there.

Brilliant.

Erm, OK, let's reset for the close-up on Joanna. Thank you.

I'm sorry, sweetie, what was that?

We just want to get a close-up of you eating the yoghurt.

Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly do that.

-What does she mean?

-Well, one can't eat a friend, can they?

It'd be like tucking into June Whitfield, wouldn't it?

He's my little tum chum now, aren't you, my creamy poppet?

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

When you're in the business of managing talent,

you have to get used to some... let's say eccentric behaviour.

You need to be inventive, be able to think on your feet,

go the extra mile.

Thankfully, I've taught Rachel to do all that crap

while I concentrate on the, er...

the bigger picture stuff.

-What have you got there, Joanna?

-Oh, you mean this?

It's Yoghini -

a deliciously tempting cream-laden dessert fit for a god.

Careful, darling, you'll make me jealous.

Don't worry, I've saved something very special for you.

Enjoying that?

And what's more, darling, I've a brand-new friend -

bacteria.

Enchante.

This is what I've become.

I've got a degree in politics.

My sister's a doctor!

Miranda Hart is at a central London location, taking another step

towards her career ambition - a role in Game Of Thrones.

If you'd like to say your name into the camera

and then have a go at the script.

-Yeah, OK.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Mirandypants Hertfordshire, at your service.

Little bit nervous, sweaty-face emoji, poo emoji.

Don't be nervous,

just want to get you on tape having a go at the script.

Erm, OK, let me just get into what I like to call "la zone".

-DEEP VOICE:

-Harry Potter.

-SHRILL VOICE:

-Harry Potter!

Frrrodo and the rrrring.

-AS GOLLUM:

-Dirty little Hobbitses!

Use the Force.

Kkkkchh!

When you're ready.

Old peasant woman, they say you have a message.

Sire, I am old and weak and I have walked many days and nights

to bring you this scroll from King's Landing.

You walked? Why did you not run, peasant?

Because my boobicles bang together when I run

and a little bit of wee comes out.

SHE SNORTS AND LAUGHS

Oh, God, I'm funny.

Miranda's audition didn't go too well, but thankfully

Gemma Collins got stuck in a sunbed, so she's on the show.

This could lead to a lot more serious roles.

It's not a sex scene, but it's a good start.

She's playing Tall Peasant 2.

I'm very happy for her.

Gregg Wallace is one of Vincent's brightest stars.

He's made a hugely successful career out of liking things

and not liking things.

But Gregg has a problem.

'Right, I've got Gregg Wallace in reception. He says he's got...'

Two minutes!

What's that?

-What?

-What is that?

-That's a straw donkey, Gregg.

-No, it's not, it's kryptonite.

My cousin brought it back from his holiday for me and the problem is,

I can't decide whether I like it or I don't like it.

-What?

-This donkey has sapped all of my confidence.

Problems do not get tougher than this!

I don't like it.

Well, there you go - you don't like it.

To be honest, I don't like it either.

Looks like a cheap piece of sh...

No, I mean that I don't like it, that I don't know whether

I like it or I don't like it.

And I don't like it!

EPIC MUSIC

Sire, I have walked many days and nights to bring you this

-scroll from King's Landing.

-You walked? You walked?!

-Why did you not run?

-I'm old and weak, sire.

-EPIC MUSIC STOPS

-Light bulb moment.

My top could fall open at this point,

up the nipple count for the nerds, eh, wink-face, thumbs-up emoji?

-No!

-Please, no.

-Rude king!

Just do the scene.

Action.

Guard, run her through.

Ah! Urgh!

Um, ouch!

I'm fine! I'm fine. I don't do that any more, so...

What was that? You can't just come back up and say, "I'm fine!"

You're not, you're dead.

Yes, about that - I've been having a peruse

and Tall Peasant 2 doesn't die in the book.

Miranda, just give me a good death scene and we can move on.

OK, uno questiono, though -

can a wizard make me better later?

Some sort of healing spell?

Cos I'd really like to develop Tall Peasant 2's arc.

No. No, come on.

Action!

Guard, run her through.

Ah!

-Urgh!

-Ouch, pointy!

Oh, totes dying!

This is it for Tall Peasant 2.

Oh!

Oh, so cold. So cold.

Yep, slipping away, slipping away.

Oh! Proper acting, isn't it, this?

Prestige drama.

And down she goes.

Give the nerds what they want, and Deadfordshire.

Oh, hello, prince! I can see up all the boys' skirts!

Don't worry, I've seen this before.

I think they sell them all over Spain.

Not that donkey, you donkey, I mean your condition.

You've got the yips.

Do I not like the sound of that!

Hang on, I don't know if I do or I don't. Oh, God!

Don't worry, it's just a wobble. Come out here.

Right, Gregg, I want you to look at your left foot.

Just as an exercise, I want you to pretend that you like that foot.

Do you think you could do that?

Now I want you to look at your right foot.

Every time you see that right foot,

-I want you to pretend that you don't like it. OK?

-OK.

Now I want you to slowly walk round the room and just tell me

what you're thinking.

Go on, Gregg. You can do it.

I like it.

I don't like it.

I like it.

I don't like it.

That's my boy. You can do it.

I like it.

I don't like it.

I like it. I don't like it.

I like it, I don't like it, I like it, I don't like it,

I like it, I don't like it.

Vin, I'm back, and do I like that?

I like it a lot!

Wait a second, Gregg, let's just be absolutely sure.

Gregg, what do you think of that donkey?

I don't like it!

It is disgusting!

I really don't like it!

# How you like me now? #

Gregg Wallace is back in the room!

Come on!

-You know what that was.

-Not a clue.

-That was a masterclass.

-Was it?

Cos it looked like two middle-aged men shouting at a donkey.

Natalie Cassidy may have failed to track down Alex Jones...

PHONE RINGS ..but little does she know that good news is just around the corner.

Hello, Cassidy household. Natalie Cassidy speaking.

Nat, it's Vince.

I've got a little job for you tomorrow.

Oh, I can't, Vinny, I promised myself a little treat.

I'm having me verrucas frozen off tomorrow.

Nat, it's The One Show.

The One Show?

That's the golden ticket to a mainstream audience, Vince!

I know it is, darling, and they need you to fill in for Alex.

Oh, you're double joking!

How comes they've gone for me?

Joe Swash brought back Indonesian flu from one of his

competition videos where you win a holiday and it's spread through

the celeb community like wildfire.

Rylan Clark's head swelled up like a melon,

Lineker can't even keep his soup down and Bradley Walsh is

pissing bright-green water out of his arse.

They just needed to know that you were in good health

and the job was yours, but never mind.

Tell them I'll do it, Vince.

The verrucas can wait!

Aaaaaaah!

I spent all that time chasing The One Show,

then The One Show ended up chasing ME!

It just shows it was written in the stars

that Bradley Walsh would have green water coming out of his arse.

# Dreams can come true

# Look at me babe I'm with you

# You know you've got to have hope

# You know you've got to be strong

# Dreams can come true... #

Dad!

Will you help me practise for The One Show?

I'm on me poker.

-Dad...

-All right, all right.

Well, I hope it's a roaring success.

Please give it up for Mr Pierce Brosnan!

No, don't you clap, Dad - you're him.

Who doesn't love a good old piece of British toast and butter?

I hate toast, Nat.

Dad, Pierce Brosnan ain't gonna hate toast, is he?

Well, how do you know? You've got to be ready for anything, Nat.

You're right. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you.

It's just that all I've ever wanted is to host The One Show.

And it puts you in the national psyche, don't it?

I know it does, darling.

Look, why don't you have a bath and an early night?

You want to be tip-top for tomorrow, don't you?

-What about the dishes, Dad?

-I'll do them now.

-Really?

Thanks, Dad.

Love ya.

# You know you've got to have hope

# You know you've got to be strong

# Dreams can come true

# Look at me, babe. #

With an open door to Vincent's clients...

Avocado cheesecake!

..we were able to ask the stars some more pertinent questions

about their celebrity.

How much is a pint of milk? How would I know?

I can't go and buy milk.

The last time I bought milk,

the headline was "Semi-skimmed Cheryl gets bang on the cow juice."

Can you imagine how upsetting that was for me? No, you can't.

That's why one of me PAs gets the milk in.

What kind of milk?

Soya? Oat? Almonds? Goat? Rice?

Organic? Raw? Lactose free?

Or coconut?

Oh, I get it.

Pint of milk - silk, silkworm - firm,

firm bum - gun.

How much is a shooter? About a monkey, mate.

Semi-skimmed? What, from cows?

Erm, retro vibes on your milk, there, mate.

I suppose you're going to tell me you're still eating wheat,

you knobber.

How much is a pint of milk? 79p.

Why, are you making a cup of tea? Don't worry, I'll do it!

I've got half a pack of Hobnobs in me handbag. I'll put the kettle on.

How much is a pint of milk?

You can't catch our Jojo out, it's two and six.

Here we go, sorry I've been a while.

Kettle takes ages to boil when it's full. There you go, Ken.

Ha! You can't fool me, I'm a man of the people,

the proletariat prince, the crusader for the common man,

the Herbert's emperor.

I know how much a pint of milk is.

It's £94 sterling for a gold top

and £86 sterling for half-skimmed.

Oh, you went for a choccy one, I knew you would.

I'll be back in a second with the milk.

The day has finally arrived

for Natalie Cassidy to host The One Show.

-KNOCKING

-Nat?

Nat, are you there?

I don't feel well, Dad.

What time's dinner?

SHE RETCHES

RETCHING CONTINUES

Better out than in. Urgh...

I suppose I am a bit gutted that all my dreams have been

smashed to pieces, yeah.

The doctor reckons I've got Indonesian flu off whoever

licked the envelope with my practice scripts in it.

I suppose it's just one of them things, though, ain't it?

Who knows?

There might be another time all the people in front of me

get a tropical disease.

Could happen.

SHE COUGHS

But unfortunately, there's no respite for poorly Natalie.

Welcome to The One Show. I'm Kimberley Walsh.

Now, before we get started,

can I just say get well soon to Natalie Cassidy, who can't be here

tonight because she's been pissing bright-green water out of her arse.

Oh, you are double joking.

Now, who doesn't love a good old piece of British toast and butter?

# Take a little time, smile

# Make a little thing worthwhile

# When the moon comes up and the sun goes down

# Take a little time to smile

# And when the moon comes up and the sun goes down

# Just relax, love is still around

# So smile

# Take a little time to smile. #