Episode 5 Morgana Robinson's The Agency

This is the family home of EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy.

# Oh young hearts run free

# Never be hung up Hung up like my man and me. #

-PHONE RINGS

-Nat!

Natalie!

Nat! Phone.

-What?

-Phone.

Sorry, Cat, I was just doing a quick disco clean.

You're so selfish.

Hello, Cassidy household. Natalie Cassidy speaking.

Nat, Vinnie. Have you signed your contract yet?

No, not yet, Vin.

Haven't had a chance to get on my e-mail and print it off.

-Dad's been hogging the laptop, as per.

-Right.

Look, I've heard from an insider that they've booked the black cab

for an EastEnders shoot day in a couple of weeks.

What? Not THE black cab!

Not the stunt cab.

Yes, that cab.

Oh, you're double joking.

I double ain't. I've done some digging, and they've also scheduled

a night shoot with the rain machine.

-No!

-And that camera that spins up into the air.

No, not the crane! You know what this means, don't ya?

-Yes, Nat.

-It means that a much-loved character is going to get run over,

and another much-loved character is going to scream, "Noooo!"

-into the sky.

-Look, there's no reason to think

it's going to be Sonia.

But you need to get that contract printed and signed ASAP.

-Do you hear me?

-Yeah, yeah.

'Course. I'll do it now, and come up London to drop it off

while Dad's having his siesta before The Chase.

All right. Don't worry, Nat. It'll be fine.

Bloody hell.

Oh, bloody hell.

I can't afford to get hit by the stunt taxi.

Dad's still on the sick,

and Cat's modelling career isn't quite pulling in the big money yet.

SHE SIGHS

I'm sure 'Enders wouldn't kill me off though.

It would be nuts to go to all that bother of writing a new

lesbian Sonia contract to then run me over with a stunt cab,

wouldn't it?

Don't you think?

Dad, are you going to be much longer on your poker?

Only I just need to print me contract off.

Dad, are you going to be much longer on your poker?

Dad!

Dad!

Ew. What are you listening to that for?

I'm not listening to it, am I? It's just like this.

Oh, you're mega joking. Let's have a look.

-When did this happen?

-Last night, Nat.

Last night. Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I thought it might fix itself.

And anyway, I thought you'd do this.

-Do what?

-Blame it on me.

I didn't even click on nothing.

I ain't even clicked on nothing.

It looks like my dad's been clicking on free iPad links again.

I ain't even clicked on nothing!

I have told him there's no such thing as a free iPad,

but he ain't having it.

What? On the whole of the internet?

No such thing as a free iPad?

I ain't having it.

Oh, I think it's got a virus.

Oh, well, if it's just a virus, that's all right, ain't it, Nat?

Like me when I had the noro.

Just a few days of runny bum and I was better.

Virus is just a word they say for laptops.

It's not the same as the squits.

What did it do when it went funny?

Nothing. Loads of boxes opened on the screen.

Then it went mental, and a noise started.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

That's strange.

Tesco's delivery van.

What are they doing here?

We don't do deliveries no more, too many substitutions.

Ain't got nothing to do with me.

Dad, was one of the boxes that popped up the Tesco's site?

I don't know.

Might have been.

Yeah.

Oh, Dad!

What are we going to do with you, eh?

Hello, mate. We haven't actually ordered anything.

We think there's been a mistake with the computer.

-Natalie.

-Carl!

Carl Rigsby from school.

Natalie Cassidy from EastEnders and The Health Lottery.

-Someone's come up a bit, haven't they?

-Oh.

God, I ain't seen you since...

-Well...

-Since you dumped me on the last day of school.

Yeah, sorry, Carl.

I didn't want to be tied down before I went Fuengirola.

That's all right. I was a bit gutted at the time, but I understood.

Oh, thanks, Carl.

Yeah. Oh, and I'm sorry for drawing them nipples on your leaving shirt.

I never meant for it to look like

-your tits were outside your clothes.

-Oh, don't matter.

I thought it was funny.

Well, better get this lot in.

But that's what I was saying, you see.

Dad never meant to order nothing.

The laptop's gone funny. We think it's got a virus.

Oh, right. I thought it was a weird order.

Why, what is it?

Oh, right. 14 bags of curly kale, 14 pocket torches,

14 chimp outfits ages 6-7, and a whole fresh salmon.

Oh, you're mega joking!

-Oh, what? Don't you want it?

-No chance.

Me Dad'll kick right off if he sees a fish that looks like a fish.

It freaks him out.

And he don't even eat cabbage, let alone kale.

Can't you take it all back and get me a refund, Carl?

-For me?

-I would if I could, but I'm not allowed, Nat.

Once the order's gone through, you have to accept it,

and then go through customer services.

Oh, bloody hell.

Sorry, Nat. Where do you want it?

No, you get off, Carl. Just leave it on the drive.

-I'll take it in.

-Do you know any kids that like chimpanzees?

Not 14 of them, no.

Sign there.

-Ta.

-OK.

Maybe we'll see each other again, eh?

I'm afraid not.

It's my last day. They're reducing the fleet by one.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry to hear that.

-Anything else lined up?

-No.

Oh, well.

Be lucky, Nat. Ta-ta.

Yeah. Bye, Carl.

I don't care if it's superfood, I'm not eating it.

Well, you can at least have a go, Dad.

And what's this? Fish that looks like fish?

That's disgusting! Fish is supposed to look like a shape.

-I ain't eating that, neither.

-You don't have to eat it.

It's all going back.

Well, what am I going to eat, then?

Once I've got all this lot in and I phoned the headquarters whatsit,

I'll go up to the big shop to get you some bits in.

-Chicken chargrills.

-Yeah, I'll get you your chargrills in.

Nat, what the bloody hell is going on?

Dad's laptop's got a virus and done an online shop by accident.

Bleeding state of the place! Kale and torches everywhere.

It's like a vegetarian Aladdin's Cave.

And it stinks of fish. This is the last thing I need.

You know Glenn the photographer's coming today.

Yeah, well, Glenn might like fish, Cat. Some people do.

I need you to clear this mess up.

You'd better not ruin my day, Natalie.

Here, Cat, you couldn't watch Dad for a bit, could you?

I could do with taking the laptop up to the computer shop

to get it fixed.

No? Never mind.

Oh, well, Dad, you're going to have to come with me.

I don't want to.

Well, we ain't got no choice. We need the laptop fixed.

Go and get your trainers on.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, hang about.

It's like Piccadilly Circus round here today.

Who's that's now?

What you looking at?

-Hello, again.

-Carl!

It's your order, Nat. It's gone through again.

Oh, bleeding hack. Not the same?

14 bags of curly kale, 14 pocket torches,

14 chimp outfits ages 6-7, and a whole fresh salmon.

-Same.

-Oh, you're triple mega joking.

No, I'm not.

Right. Well, that's the second lot of shopping then.

This is a living nightmare, Nat.

You need to phone that headquarters whatsit.

I done that, but they said that Debbie from refunds

ain't back till tomorrow, cos their little boy

projectiled all across the dinner hall.

First me laptop, and now this. This is a living nightmare.

What are we going to do?

Well, first off, I've got to go up to the computer shop

to get the laptop fixed.

But someone's got to stay here in case we get another delivery.

And Cat's busy with Glenn the photographer, so...

No way, I'm not staying here on my own with those fish out there.

They've got faces on.

And if people come, I can't talk to them. You know that, Nat.

-It's all right, Dad.

-And I'm hungry!

And my poker's not working. I've had enough, Nat.

Where you going, Dad? Come back.

I'll think of something.

Dad! DOOR SLAMS

Well, it's turned into a right old day, innit?

So far, me dad's clocked up an online shopping bill

for God knows how much. I've got no laptop to print me

lesbian Sonia contract off, and to top it all off,

I've got 28 bags of kale, 28 torches,

28 chimp masks, and two salmon that no-one will touch.

Nat, why the hell has Dad locked himself in the loo?

Glenn's going to be here any minute.

Oh, my God. What is this?

I'm embarrassed to be in this family.

How am I supposed to cultivate my image with all this shit everywhere?

Don't worry, Cat, I'll keep it all out of sight for you.

And you better get Dad out of that bathroom.

Where's Glenn going to go if he needs to go?

-Garden?

-No, Natalie.

He's a semi-professional photographer.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realise he was semi-professional.

That's great, Cat.

He specialises in the catalogue market.

-Wow.

-When Glenn spotted me, he said I was

"girl next door meets high street chic",

which, it turns out,

is exactly what he's looking for.

Well, you do have a lovely way about you.

-I know.

-DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that. It'll probably be Carl.

-Who?

-Shopping delivery man.

Oh, hello, I'm Natalie.

You're Natalie Cassidy.

Yeah, I know.

You must be Glenn, the photographer.

All right, Natalie. I'll take it from here, thank you very much.

Hello, Glenn, darling. Just go round the garage,

I'll open the big door for you.

Perfect. I've got quite a lot of equipment to set up.

Lights and that. I might need five minutes.

Well, you take all the time you need, Glenn, darling.

Oh, Cat. Quite a lot of equipment.

I told you he was proper.

-Dad.

-What?

Cat's photographer is here.

You need to come out in case he needs to go toilet.

Can't he go in the garden if he needs to go toilet?

Dad, he's semi-professional. Can't you just come out?

I'll come out when me chicken chargrills are ready.

We ain't got any chicken chargrills.

-What we got, then?

-You know what we've got.

-Kale.

-I ain't coming out for kale.

I'm on a hunger strike till I get me chargrills.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, bleeding hell.

-Wait there, Dad.

-I ain't going nowhere.

I know.

We've got to stop meeting like this.

-Same again?

-Oh, same again, yeah.

Oh, you're double mega joking to the power of nine.

Except there's been a substitution this time.

You had all the salmons,

so this time they substituted it for two whole sea bass.

Two? I didn't even want one. It's them kind of substitutions

that put me off all this in the first place.

Come on, I'll get it all off the van for you, eh?

Cheers, Carl, that's so nice of you.

They say that every cloud has a silver lining, don't they?

And I suppose that seeing Carl again is a silver lining

to my cloud of the kale and the chimps and the torches

and the salmon and the sea bass.

And the laptop.

And the Sonia contract.

Right, well, thanks for your help, Carl.

I hopefully won't be seeing you again, eh?

Oh, I just mean, you know, the deliveries.

Funny seeing you again though, eh?

-Yeah.

-I suppose we met when we were too young.

Yeah, we was kids, really.

It's different now when a fella goes out with me.

I think they want me, but actually a lot of them just want Sonia.

And when it comes down to it, not many people could cope with

living in her shadow, I can tell you.

I suppose we're from different worlds now, eh?

Sort of. Yeah.

But actually, when you think about it...

-DAD:

-Nat!

Coming!

Better go.

Yeah.

-Who was that?

-It was another delivery.

Not more bloody fish.

'Fraid so.

This hunger strike's making me starving.

Didn't he have any chargrills on his van?

I didn't ask him, Dad.

-Why not?

-I didn't think.

And he's gone now.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, no, hang on! He's back!

He's back! I'll ask him!

Go on, girl.

We need to talk.

-I can't believe it.

-We should sign it. It's better than not signing.

Is it, though, Vin? My character not speaking for two years?

-It's still acting.

-It's lying still.

That's one of the hardest ones, lying still.

But two years though, Vin.

And who's to say she'll come out of it?

Well, there is that. It's touch-and-go.

When did you find out?

I read the contract. It's in there.

Don't you always read my contracts?

Honestly, no. I'm a very busy man, Natalie.

SHE SIGHS Minimal appearances, minimal wages.

I can't be having this. I hold the fort together.

I know you do, sweetheart, and it ain't right. They need to muck in.

Your old man not worked for three years because he ran a dog over.

-Where is he now?

-He's in the khazi on hunger strike.

What? With two whole salmon and two whole sea bass sitting here?

-What's wrong with him?

-He prefers his fish in shapes, Vin.

What about your sister? What's she doing?

She's having catalogue pictures done in the garage.

Do what? In the garage?

Yeah. She's in there with Glenn, the photographer.

He's semi-professional.

Is he, now? Good luck with that.

Right, let's get this done.

Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

Keep it coming. That's great. Lovely.

Lovely. Top drawer.

Oh, great.

Right, now, let's step it up a bit.

Do some stuff aimed more at the catalogue market.

OK, you're the boss, Glenn.

-Pick up that bucket.

-What?

That bucket. Pick it up.

Right, then. Give us a smile.

Oh, look at that. Look at you. There you are.

There's Cat. Lovely.

Smashing. She's come out to play.

Lovely. You're a natural.

That is one naughty bucket.

What's in your dirty bucket, eh?

Sponge.

No. No. That's not going to work. Erm...

Let's try that shovel over there.

Yeah. Look at you and your bad, bad shovel.

Yeah, that filthy shovel's making you hot, isn't it?

No, no, no. That's not going to work either.

Listen, I don't want to make any promises,

but I got a big job coming up, and...

Well, I think I can sell you in for it.

Oh, you're joking. That would be amazing. I'd be so grateful.

Have you heard of Midas Mart?

-No.

-It's pretty much the Malaysian Argos.

Oh. That sounds big.

It is, Cat.

Malaysia's bloody massive. Midas Marts everywhere.

Ooh, that sounds great.

Yeah, good. So, why don't we try a couple of neutral shots?

OK.

Sorry, Glenn.

Remind me, what are neutral shots again?

Blank ones.

Plain. Like, same as this, but...

Well, just take your clothes off,

you know, just for this bit.

-What? Like nude?

-No, no, no, no.

They're not nude. They're neutral.

See, the way it works is I take a photo of you without your clothes on

and what they do in Malaysia is

Photoshop the outfits onto you, see?

It just saves time, getting changed.

All that jive. I mean, there's about 4,000 outfits.

I'm not sure I want to take all my clothes off.

-Oh, don't be daft.

-It's just how they do things now.

Green screen, they call it. Yeah.

Just like Lord Of The Rings.

It's the future. If you're not ready for the future, Cat...

Oh, no, no, no. Of course I am, Glenn.

Great. Pop your kit off while I put some Vaseline on the lens.

Cat. It's Nat.

I made you and Glenn a cup of char.

Thanks, we're just in the middle of things at the moment.

Here, let me in to put the tray down.

There we go.

Everything all right, Cat?

Yes. Fine thank you, Natalie.

You can go now.

How's it going, Glenn?

Very, very well. I'd go as far as to say that your sister's a natural.

Actually, as we're taking a break, is it OK if I use your facilities?

No, I'm afraid. Dad's locked himself in the facilities

on one of his hunger strikes. You'll have to use the garden.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Glenn.

God. This family.

-It's no problem.

-You can wash your hands in the kitchen.

Will do.

Are you sure you're all right, Cat?

He's not making you do anything you don't want to do, is he?

I ain't making gonzo porn, Natalie.

I'm just having my neutrals done for the Malaysian Argos.

Having your what done?

God, Nat. Don't you know nothing?

Neutrals is where you have your pictures taken without clothes on

and then they put the clothes back on later in a photo shop.

-Right.

-You know, like in Lord Of The Rings.

I ain't seen it, Cat.

I can't be doing with films about goblins and wizards.

-It ain't real.

-Well, they do it in that.

Well, OK.

Just as long as he's not using the photos for the phone line ads

or the sex internet.

Glenn would never do that. He's a gentleman.

HE FARTS

HE SNIFFS

Right. We do really need to get on with this, Cat.

I've got three other potentials to see after you.

Yeah, yeah. Of course, Glenn. (Go.)

DOORBELL RINGS Carl's back!

-Who?

-Never mind. Dad!

Carl's back. I'll ask him to get you your chargrills.

Who the bloody hell's Carl?

Right, then. That's your lot.

-Just sign here.

-Right, my car's here.

Back to the cold face of light entertainment.

What the hell is all this stuff?

Don't ask. Here, you don't have any spare chicken chargrills

in your van for a damsel in distress, have you, darling?

Have a little self-respect, love, eh?

Right, Nat, I'm off.

Oh, here, before you go, Vinnie,

could I ask your advice about neutrals?

About what?

Right, girl. I want you to imagine you're wearing the sexiest clothes

you can think of.

Oh, hello, Dad. Good to see you're out the loo.

Sorry, mate. We're working here. This is a closed set.

He's not my dad.

Vincent Mann, Mann Management. I look after Cat's sister.

Are you Glenn?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, didn't get your last name.

Littlewick. Glenn Littlewick.

All right, Vinnie? There's not a problem, is there?

No, no problem, Cat.

Just popped in because I heard Glenn's doing your neutrals

-for the overseas market.

-Yeah, that's right.

Which overseas market is that, then, Glenn?

It's Malaysia, innit? Midas Mart.

Malaysia. Nice.

Hang on a sec, didn't Malaysia stop using neutrals?

I'd have thought you'd know that that, Glenn, being a professional.

Glenn's a semi-professional.

That'll be it. Glenn's a SEMI-professional.

The thing is, Glenn...Littlewick, I'm a professional.

-Right.

-And Malaysia have stopped using neutrals.

I think they've made them illegal, actually.

-Illegal?

-Yes, Cat, illegal.

Lucky for Glenn I popped in, because I know for a fact in Malaysia now,

they use photos of beautiful girls like you, Cat, IN their clothes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember now.

That does ring a bell.

Have you already got some snaps of Cat in her clothes?

-He has.

-Great. So, you're all done.

-Yeah, I am.

-All except for Cat's payment.

Because you also remember, in Malaysia they pay 750 quid up front,

-don't they?

-How much?

Yes. That's the going rate, Glenn Littlewick.

-So, probably best if you pay Cat now, and get on your way.

-Right.

Lovely meeting you.

Bye, Glenn.

Take care, Cat.

-All sorted, darling.

-You all done, Cat?

Fancy coming in and giving me a hand putting the kale away?

Yeah, I'm all done now.

I'll come and give you a hand.

Hang about, the chest freezer!

I can put all the salmon and the sea bass in the chest freezer

until Debbie from refunds is back.

Oh, there's a touch!

Chargrills!

2004?

Ah, they'll be all right.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Don't worry about it. It's a long story.

Dad, I got you two chargrills here. You can come out now.

I don't believe you.

Well, sniff under the door then.

How do I know they're chargrills are not crispy chicken?

Cos they've got stripes on, Dad.

Well, I can't smell stripes, can I?

Well, why don't you come out here and have a look at them, then?

Cor! Where did you get them from?

Did the shopping van man come back?

No. He's gone forever, Dad.

Just have to accept that.

Well done, Nat. And they've gone back to making the big ones

-like they used to.

-Yeah. Funny that, eh?

So, it all turned out all right in the end, didn't it?

Cat didn't have to get her bits out for Glenn,

and Dad got his chargrills. I'm chuffed for them.

It's just a shame that I don't think I'll see Carl ever again.

And lesbian Sonia's in a coma for the next two years.

You can't have everything, can you?

# The sun is out The sky is blue

# There's not a cloud To spoil the view

# But it's raining

# Raining in my heart

# The weatherman says clear today

# He doesn't know you've gone away

# And it's raining

# Raining in my heart. #

Na, na, na, na, na.

Carl!

Carl! Carl, it's me! Natalie Cassidy!

HORN BLARES Oh!

BRAKES SQUEAL THUD

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Natalie Cassidy speaking.

Are sitting down, Nat?

Yeah, 'course I am. I've got concussion, ain't I?

Well, that's all you got, girl. You're not going to be in a coma!

-What?

-Sonia's not going to get run down by the stunt cab.

They're going to do Perry Fenwick instead!

You are double triple double mega joking, Vin!

Oh, you're the best agent in the world.

Oh, it was nothing to do with me, babe. You did it all yourself.

-Did I?

-Yeah, I mean once you got hit by a real taxi,

they couldn't very well run you over with a fake one, could they?

It would make them look like a right bunch of arseholes.

Especially with the national outpouring of love.

Dad, did you hear that? I've got two more years of Sonia!

I thought you had that already.

-How's Cat getting on?

-Yeah, she's good, you know.

You won't believe it - she's only doing me disco cleaning for me!

Great. Well, all's well that ends well, then.

Yes, Vin. All's well that ends well.

Spot on.

# My head is in a spin My feet don't touch the ground

# Because you're near to me My head goes round and round

# My knees are shaking, baby My heart beats like a drum

# It feels like It feels like I'm in love

# My knees shake My heart beats like a drum. #