Mammy's Gamble Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'll be with you in a minute.

Now, there we go.

There's been five burglaries in this area in the last month.

Well, I'm taking no chances.

I fitted a solid steel bolt to the door.

Let's see them get past that.

No matter.

Buster Brady said he's going to fit a state-of-the-art

alarm system for me.

I've been waiting a week for him to fit it.

I hope he fits it by Friday, he better.

I am not going out to bingo and leaving my valuables unguarded.

I just think...even the thought of a man in a mask coming in

and rummaging through my drawers.

LAUGHTER

How is he?

I'm not too sure.

Is he getting any exercise?

You must be feckin' joking.

He regards reading in the toilet as multitasking.

I'm not too happy with him.

I can't buckin' stand him.

Any vomiting?

Occasional.

I just have to look at the ugly bastard and...

Well, I've taken some bloods. I'll send them off for testing

and we'll see what comes back.

Happy new year, Mrs Brown.

And a happy new year to you, Dr Flynn.

Oh, would you please tell Cathy that I filled out her health report

-and sent it on to the clinic in London?

-What's that about?

Erm...I'm sure she'll fill you in herself.

We'll see.

You know, at this time of year a lot of my patients give me presents.

Bottle of whisky and the like.

That's nice.

CRASHING AND BANGING

Oh, Dermot, it's you, love. Hello, chicken.

That's a lovely costume. Give us a twirl.

-Oh, very nice.

-It's one of the hardest ones I've ever had to do.

-Why?

-I have to spend the whole day doing this.

HE STRAINS

-Do you want a cup of tea?

-Love one, Mammy.

Might loosen you up.

-Expecting a phone call, son?

-Yeah.

-From?

-Maria.

Mammy, don't say anything to anyone yet,

but I'm thinking of going out on my own.

You're absolutely right, son.

You should never have married her, you deserve better.

No, Mammy, going into business on my own.

Maria's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Lovely girl, always liked her.

Going into business? Doing what?

-This.

-Pretending to shit?

No, Mammy, doing promotions.

Promotions.

-I think I could do it.

-Dermot, son, I think you can do anything.

All I need is for Maria to get the bank on board.

-She's with them now.

-How much are you trying to get off the bank?

-Maybe I could help?

-10,000 euros.

I'm out.

Hello, guess who?

Mahatma Gandhi.

It's me, Buster.

Any word from the bank, Dermo?

Nope.

Don't be worrying, Dermo, she'll get the loan.

I've talked to them at that bank, they're OK.

There is a big difference between him

going in looking for a loan and you going into the bank and going,

"Everybody, get on the floor."

I suppose.

Oh, Buster.

You know what has to be finished by Friday?

Thursday?

My alarm system.

Oh, yeah, no bother. Thursday it is.

100,000 sperm and he was the fastest.

BANGING AT THE DOOR

Rory, stop overacting and open the buckin' door.

Hang on.

Thanks very much, love.

Who put that chair in front of the door?

I did.

I just popped in for a quick cuppa and a sandwich.

You don't mind, do you?

Not at all.

How did you get in, love?

Oh, I still have my key.

-Is Grandad up?

-No.

Grandad, get out of the bed.

You've missed half the day and you don't want to do that.

You haven't many of them left.

Rory. Where's my television?

The repairmen called, they said they'll have it back on Wednesday.

My telly was fine.

Well, obviously not, Mammy, or they wouldn't have had to take it away.

Rory, I didn't call repairmen, we've been robbed.

Call the police.

Where's the feckin' phone?

Oh, yeah, they said the phone was on the blink too

so they'd have a look at it.

Nice men.

You feckin' eejit.

It's a wonder they didn't take the furniture as well.

Just the worn-out chair.

Me chair, gone!

They said they'd no more room

but they'd collect the rest of the stuff another day.

Me chair.

God.

Don't be too upset, Mammy.

None of that stuff was important.

I suppose.

Was interesting, that health report Dr Flynn did about you.

Nice to see how good it was.

There is no way Dr Flynn showed you that report.

So there is a report?

And going to London, what's that about?

It's a medical thing You wouldn't understand.

Well, Cathy, you'd be amazed at the things that I understand.

And you'd be amazed at the things I don't tell you.

I hate when she does that.

-What else is missing?

-My mother's armchair.

-Antique.

-Antique?

-Henry VIII.

That's the one after VII!

Dermot, get me a newspaper there, love, will you?

Nobody buys newspapers now, Mammy. Here, use my iPad.

Got him.

iPad! Stick iPad down on the list.

You know, it's funny that of all the things that were stolen,

the thing I'm most upset about is my chair.

I've a friend here. He'll give me an armchair,

top-of-the-range, Mrs Brown.

Be hard to replace mine.

My arse was carved into it.

Little impression of your father's nose.

Jesus!

Going somewhere?

What are you doing up so early?

Wondering what you're doing up so early.

-I'm going to stay with a friend, if you must know.

-In London?

I have a taxi on the way, have you seen my coat?

It's in the cupboard.

Stay with a friend, my arse.

Oh, Cathy, I knocked over your bag.

Oh, look, all that stuff spilled out.

And I couldn't help noticing this letter.

Dear Ms Brown ...

It's a fertility clinic.

That's why I'm going to London.

I hope they can help me.

Fertility? I don't understand, Cathy,

you don't even own a camera.

Not photography...

Fertility.

There's a very good man there

and I'm hoping he'll help me get pregnant.

This appointment's only for 20 minutes,

you want to get a feckin' move on.

Cathy, should you not meet him first, get to know him?

He's a doctor.

That doesn't mean he won't love you and leave you.

Jesus.

Cathy, you know our motto on first dates -

to stop tongues wagging, no quick shagging.

Mammy, for once in your life, will you just listen?

I'm not getting any younger.

The clock is ticking and I want a baby

and I just know I'm not going to meet a man to have a baby with.

So you're going to get yourself a stud?

No, Cathy, that's...it's just...

Mammy, I'm going for artificial insemination by donor.

HORN BEEPS

There's my taxi.

The first visit's just to check things over,

and then I'll go back and...

..who knows? Maybe I'll get lucky.

And will the child be lucky?

-What?

-With no daddy?

Well, I know someone who managed to rear a family with no daddy.

You know what I mean.

You're not stopping me, Mammy.

It's a different world.

Yes, it is...

..but is it too different?

Top-of-the-range, Mrs Brown. Deluxe, adjustable memory foam.

But why does it have to be plugged in?

It senses from the tension in your body exactly how tired you are

and adjusts in softness to suit.

Can I not just have a chair chair?

All the celebrities are buying these.

Daniel O'Donnell has one.

Daniel O'Donnell?

Well, if it's good enough for Daniel,

then it's good enough for me.

Oh, yeah.

Right. Come on, let me show you the alarm system.

Right, I'll leave you with this and head back to work.

-Don't be long, Buster.

-I won't, Dermo. It's a doddle.

You all right, Mrs B?

It's nothing, it's family stuff but I don't want to talk about it.

I hear you, don't you say another word.

Cathy's gone to London for antisocial impenetration.

Jaysus! I don't believe it.

Cathy?

Off to London... I'd love to go to London.

No, Buster, it's about a baby.

She's after getting a sperm donor.

Why can't she just meet a nice man and...

have a baby the ordinary way? That's all I want to know.

Anyway, show me this alarm thing.

Fort Knox, here we come, Buster, eh?

Here, Buster, don't be too long with this,

-I have a bath running and I want to get into it while it's hot.

-Right.

There are two parts to this alarm system.

I'll show you the second one in a minute

but first, I want to show you something that I call The Rattrap.

Rattrap?

I've every opening in the house covered with drop-down cages.

For instance, watch this.

Mother of God.

With the system I put in, nobody can get into the house,

but see if they do, they're not getting out.

Holy camoly.

Now for the alarm.

To set the front door alarm, you need to put a four-digit code in here

and then you simply have one minute to leave the house.

Let me try it.

N, I, C, E.

-That's it.

-So I just simply...?

'Kor, kor, back, ding, dang, ho, jadah!'

It's telling us we have a minute to leave the house.

Oh, in what language?

It's from North Korea, so French, I suppose.

-French?

-'Un, kairo, shakoi...'

It's OK, we've plenty of time.

ALARM BLARES

Right, that all seems to be working grand.

No, it's not!

I couldn't get out of the feckin' house.

You had a minute.

That was only about 20 seconds.

Exactly, a minute.

Buster, you see that watch? See that second hand?

Reset that to 60 seconds.

You want THREE minutes?

Reset it to 60.

Right, see how you get on now.

N, I, C, E.

So then I just go...

'Kor, kor, back, ding, dang, ho, jadah!'

-It's saying the same thing again.

-'Un, kairo, shakoi, medi...'

ALARM BLARES

Well, that didn't feckin' work.

I know. Let me try putting the numbers in the other way around.

Right, try it now.

N, I, C, E.

'Un, kairo, shakoi...'

ALARM BLARES

Go through this way.

Right.

That's grand, a bit more practice.

No, it's not feckin' grand, and now we're trapped.

Reset those cages.

I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.

You tool.

Ma, Buster, what's going on?

Oh, Dermot, thank God you're here.

-Please get us out of here.

-What?

He has my buckin' head melted.

Just lift the shutters.

He doesn't know how.

STUDIO LAUGHTER

We can't get out.

Buster.

Go to the alarm panel.

-CORPSING:

-Quickly.

Is...is there a button that says "lift shutters"?

BOTH: Yep.

Well, press it.

You feckin' eejit.

Artificial impenetration.

Nope, never heard of it. How do they do it?

In a test tube.

-No way.

-Mmm.

Not even Jacko's willy would fit into a test tube.

-And that's when...?

-No, Winnie, no.

The man...

INAUDIBLE

Oh, my God.

Well, at least the child won't be lying when he says,

"My father's a wanker!"

Oh, no, no, we shouldn't laugh, we shouldn't laugh. No.

Ah, a new baby.

I know.

Did you have anaesthetic on all your births?

No. On their conceptions!

Erm, hello? Excuse me, everybody.

QUIET!

Erm... Now, we will be having our poker classic in aid of a new bell

for the church next Saturday. The entry book is on the bar

so just put your name down.

Imagine winning that!

Relax, Winnie, it's not like you win the lottery.

If you won the lottery, Agnes, would you still be my friend?

Of course.

I'd miss you...

but I'd keep in touch.

Do you know, Winnie?

It was lovely to just have an ordinary conversation with you.

Ah, thanks, Agnes.

Did you ever wonder why Tarzan never had a beard?

Too good to fuckin' last.

Here, get them in.

Hello, son, hello, Maria, love.

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

You didn't get the money from the bank, did you?

-I'm sorry, children.

-You would think in this climate the banks

-would be encouraging people to start up their own business.

-I know.

10,000, you think that'd be nothing to them.

Ah, well, it is what it is, Ma.

So we'll see you all next Saturday.

Don't forget the poker classic, the first prize is...

I don't know what I'm going to do.

15,000 euros.

How much?

I don't know, I wasn't fucking listening.

Oh, I got some beautiful bath stuff today, lovely bubbly bubblies

and I got a bath bomb, you put it in and it goes,

"Zzzzzzzz," and some gardenia and some rose petals

and I have it all ready upstairs.

I'm going to slide into it like a ferret down a drainpipe.

Hiya.

Hello, love.

So how was London?

Tiring.

I'm going to go and have a lie down.

Cathy, would you like to talk?

No, I wouldn't.

Look, maybe later...

much later.

Right now I need a long, hot bath.

There's one ready up there if you want to slip into it.

Aww, thanks, Mammy.

Right, Mammy, your alarm is reset and working.

Good boy, thank you very much.

Ha! Don't thank me, it was Dino that fixed it.

He's a wizard with technology.

Well, thank you, Dino.

Oh, no problem, Mrs Brown, it was easy.

If you want me to turn it on, I'll turn it on.

If you want me to plug it, I'll plug it.

I bet you would.

I put a micro filter on his router.

That's too much information for me, son.

-Goodbye.

-Right. See you now, Mammy.

Ah, hello, boys.

Just off, Mrs McGoogan.

Ah, Winnie.

Tea?

S.

I don't know how to play this game, Agnes.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, yes, please.

Dr Flynn put me onto mint tea.

Do you have any mint tea, Agnes?

Mint it is.

Sharon tells me that you've entered the poker tournament?

Yes.

I'm in it to win it.

I'm going to win that 15,000 euros and I'm going to give 10,000

to Dermot and Maria to get out on their own.

Won't be that easy.

Now, Winnie, you can clean your teeth and all with that.

Well, all I'm telling you is it won't be that easy to win it.

And you're an expert on this, Winnie, are you?

Well, no, but I hear Maria's mother is playing

and she wins these things all over the place.

-BELL RINGS

-Hiddely? Oh.

Well, she might be winning them all over the place,

but it's because I'm not playing in them.

Oh, Winnie, I'm an ice cool poker player that likes to take a punt

and she's just an old...

Hello, Hiddely.

Do come in.

Winnie, bring in my tea.

That's an interesting looking chair.

-Yeah, top-of-the-range.

-Oh.

Daniel O'Donnell has one.

How are you, Hillary?

-We were just talking about you.

-Oh, really?

No, we weren't, that was another Hillary.

You know, Hillary from the fish shop.

-Let me get to why I'm here.

-Oh, please do.

Well, I saw that someone had entered your name in the list

for the poker tournament.

-Yeah, so?

-Well, I knew straight away it was obviously a mistake.

No, it's no mistake. I put that name in myself.

But you must have known that I was entering,

why would you do such a silly thing?

I'm in it.

I'm in it to win it. You don't scare me, Hiddely.

I'm going to win that 15,000 euros...

..and I'm going to give 10,000 to Dermot and Maria

to go out on their own.

You needn't worry about that.

I've already offered to loan it to them.

Well, you see, that's the difference between...

between you and me -

you loan it, I give it.

Well, what lesson are they going to learn from that?

They learn that parents will do everything they can

for their children without looking for a payback.

Well, I suppose I'll see you at the poker table, then.

If you make it to the final.

Oh, I'll be in the final, all right, just see how you do.

Oh, I'll do fucking fine!

Jesus, are my eyes deceiving me?

Is that really you?

You'd better come in.

Are you on your way to a wedding, Buster?

I hope so.

Hear me out, Cathy.

Your Mammy was telling me

that you're going to have a baby with a sperm donor.

And that costs a lot.

-Like, thousands.

-So?

I was thinking...

I love you, Cathy Brown. I always have...

..and I could give you that baby

for half that amount or even less.

Buster...

No, wait, Cathy, there's more.

Cathy, I never knew my father.

So any child of mine, I want to be a proper, real father to that child.

I want to see him every second Saturday and take him to the zoo...

..just like all the other normal dads

and feed him burgers and chips till he's sick,

and take him home so late that you're tearing your hair out

wondering where we got to.

Stand up, Buster.

That's the weirdest...

but nicest proposal I think I've ever had.

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

I can't say yes, Buster.

I don't love you.

That's a shame, because it's super sperm.

OK, ladies.

Mrs Nicholson, it's your bet.

Check.

She check.

SPECTATORS: Ooh...

Ladies.

Check.

She check.

Last card.

It's up to you, Mrs Nicholson.

All in.

SPECTATORS GASP

-HE THINKS:

-'She has the other ace.'

'Mammy's gone.'

'This will be really bad if Hillary has that ace.'

'Even when she's thinking, I haven't a clue what she's saying.'

'I have her.'

'She has her.'

BIRDS TWEET

Mammy.

No, Dermot.

I'm going to win this 15,000 euros

and you're going to go out on your own.

Call.

I knew you didn't have that last jack.

Damn.

CHEERING

So you won the money. Dermot will be happy.

What are you going to do with the other 5,000?

You know what you should do? Treat yourself.

Treat myself?

No, Cathy, I have everything I need.

No.

That 5,000 is for my grandchild.

-Bono?

-No.

-One of Dermot and Maria's?

-No.

My new grandchild.

The one you're going to have.

Cathy, what you're doing... Well, it can't be cheap.

I'd like to make a contribution.

I want to be with you in this, side by side.

I want to support you.

There's a chance it may not work.

Well, then, we'll take that chance together.

I love you, Mammy.

I don't fucking blame you.

-Goodnight, Mammy.

-Goodnight, love.

Of course there's a chance it won't work.

It's a gamble...

..just like everything is a gamble.

Marriage is a gamble.

Oh, you might think you have it all worked out.

But there always comes a time

when the only thing the two of you can do is hold each other's hand,

close your eyes and jump.

Raising kids is a gamble,

especially with all the distractions for them nowadays.

Every decision you make for them seems to be a gamble.

The truth is - life is a gamble...

..but it's worth every bit of it.

Oh, don't get me wrong, even though it's a gamble, it doesn't mean

you shouldn't work really hard to try and give yourself an edge.

If you know what I mean.

Now...

APPLAUSE

And now,

I'm off for a well-earned and well-deserved bath.

CRASHING

Grandad, what are you doing?

Ha-ha! I'm going for a bath!

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown... #

Happy New Year!

# Our Mrs Brown. #