New Mammy Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!'

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

KNOCK AT DOOR Door!

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Door!

KNOCKING PERSISTS

The door!

Is that where it is, Grandad?

Thanks very much! Me very own feckin' sat-nav!

KNOCK AT DOOR

You better be a buckin' woodpecker!

Oh. Thank you.

Ah, that's nice. Someone's getting flowers.

-Are they for me?

-No, Grandad. It's a bouquet, not a wreath!

"To the most beautiful woman in the world." They're for me!

"To my wife, just because I love you." Aw!

That'll brighten Maria's day.

It's nice to see Dermot doing things like that.

Especially so close to the birth of the twins. Just weeks to go.

-Morning.

-Look!

-Flowers!

-Yes, for you!

-They're beautiful. But why?

Just because. That's romance, Maria.

And that's the Brown way.

-I haven't got time to put them in a vase.

-I'll look after them.

-Thanks, Mrs Brown. Ah, they're so lovely!

Dermot. His father wasn't like that. You must be joking.

The only time I saw Redser in the same room as flowers was his funeral!

No, Dermot's a romantic. He gets that from me.

It's that time of year and love is in the air.

-I hate you!

-I hate you!

-You can sit down!

-I don't want to sit down!

-Suit yourself!

-Don't you worry. I will!

-Like you always do...

-I've had a good teacher!

That one's mine. And that one. And I think this is mine.

You can think again. That's buckin' mine.

-There should be another one with this. It's a double album. Where is it?

-I ate it!

-Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Bastard!

Are you two fighting?

Mammy, did you hear that?!

I know. Come here. Ssh, now, now. I know.

Me, a bastard!

Technically you're not!

Technically?! Oh!

Rory!

Granny!

Bono!

Oh, me little man, let me look at you.

-Ooh, now, what's all this?

-I'm a Indian, Granny!

An Indian! Here, little Indian, go in and play with your grandad. I'll be in to you in a minute.

Thanks for keeping an eye on him. I won't be long at the dentist.

No problem. I love having him around. He brightens up the place.

And you're going to be longer at the dentist than you think with those buck teeth!

-Hello, Ma.

-Hello, son!

-Oh, what beautiful flowers.

-Flowers?

-Who got them?

-Maria. They came this morning.

-Actually...

-Maria was delighted!

-Was she?

-Yes.

-Is it an anniversary or something?

-No. Just because.

-Och, that's so romantic.

-Isn't it?

Yeah. Very romantic.

I wish you'd do something like that for me. You're not romantic at all.

He used to be... before he married you!

-Ma!

-I'm just saying, you know.

You get married, you forget things, you get so busy.

He forgets to get flowers, she forgets to work out.

Saggy arse, pimples popping out, teeth going bad,

wrinkles popping up everywhere, you know...

Now, now, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure Mr Brown loved you anyway!

-Right, we'd better go.

-Won't be long.

Take your feckin' time!

I haven't got feckin' wrinkles.

Ha-ha-ha, Bono!

What are you doing?

Now, Bono, if you're going to do that to Grandad,

take the rubber tip off.

-Is he your grandad?

-No, he's not my grandad, he's my husband's daddy.

But I call him Grandad.

Among other things...

And I'm your daddy's mammy, so you call me...

-Granny!

-That's right. And Daddy calls me...

-Mammy!

-Yes! And your mammy calls me...

-An auld cow.

-An auld co...

Does she, now?

SHE LAUGHS

"Pyschic wanted.

"You know where to apply."

I'm ordering meself a pizza, Mammy. Will I order you something?

-Give me the menu.

-It's in Italian. Will I just pick something for ya?

I'm well capable of ordering for myself in any feckin' language!

Hello? I'd like to order a delivery, please.

-Mammy?

-I'm only after getting it! Give me a feckin' second!

Yes, 92 James Larkin Court.

Brown. Er, a medium thin-crust Hawaiian, please. Yeah, and, erm...

I'll have the pageone!

And a lasagne, please.

Thanks.

Excuse me. I said a pageone!

That's "page one".

Howya, Cathy.

You still having that dream where I'm covered in oil and you're sliding up and down me?

-I've never had a dream about you.

-Ah! That was my dream.

-Is Dermot here?

-No.

I'll call later. If you see him, will you say I got that thing organised?

-What thing?

-I have a friend...

We don't need to know. Good night, Buster!

I'll see yous.

SHE SIGHS

-What's up?

-I wish Rory and Dino would stop fighting so much.

I don't think they understand how much it upsets other people.

-You could learn a lesson from that yourself.

-I beg your pardon?

Sorry, will you give that to your son?

-I love you, Cathy.

-Piss off!

What do you mean, I could learn a lesson?

I don't think you realise how much you not getting on with Mrs Nicholson upsets Maria.

-Here, what's in the envelope?

-Two tickets for a weekend in Venice.

-God! Dermot's gone romance mad!

-Hasn't he?

Here, I've to pick me dress up from the cleaners.

Hiya, Rory. You feeling any better?

HE SIGHS

-I got to go. Mammy, when the pizza comes, just put it in the oven. I won't be long.

-All right.

Dermot's taking Maria off to Venice for the weekend.

Going to be going up and down in their gonorrhoea.

I think you mean "gorgonzola".

You're right. Gorgonzola.

It's in the gorgonzola. It's the gonorrhoea that rows it.

Rory, why are you so sad?

Rory, I wish there was something I could do to make things better.

There's nothing. It's over!

I know - I could beat him up!

-What?! No!

-I'm only joking.

But you didn't want anything to happen to him all the same, did you?

See. You care. It's not over.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's open!

-Hey, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Barbara. Sit down.

-How are you, Rory? I just dropped over to see how you are.

-Not there...

He's not great, Barbara. He's not great at all.

-I don't blame you. That Dino is a bitchy diva at times.

-Wha'?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-There's the Italian food.

I don't know how I haven't killed him before.

He treats me like dirt sometimes. Shouts at me like I'm a trainee.

Well...you are a trainee!

-Hello, Dino!

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

I just called round to see if I left my white jacket here.

Here, son.

Dino...how are you?

-How am

-I?

-How am

-I?

I haven't slept for two days. I've a blinding headache, bags under my eyes

and last night I just curled up in the corner and I cried like a baby.

I'm sorry I fuckin' asked now!

Dino...

Look, son, I know I didn't take to you at first.

And I don't pretend to know too much about Los Homos...

But I love my son.

And all I ever wanted was for Rory to be happy.

And I have to say, I've never seen Rory as happy as he is when he's with you.

HE MOUTHS

SHE MOUTHS

Dino...

why don't you come in, son?

Rory's in the kitchen.

He says he cares for you but anyone'll tell you he's always talking about you behind your back.

And who would HE be, Barbara? The cat's mother?

Hey, Dino!

I was just saying that the boss doesn't realise how good Rory... Yous both are, wasn't I Rory?

No, you weren't! You were back-biting about the man I love!

-I better go, so.

-Yes, you better.

Be in early in the morning, Barbara.

I've a new sweeping brush for you to try out.

-Were you defending my honour?

-Bit late for that.

-Oh, Rory!

-Ah, Dino!

Oh, Jaysus!

Let's start again. A new beginning. We'll go on a date!

DOORBELL RINGS

There's that feckin' Italian food now!

I've a friend. He owns an indoor horse-riding school. I'll pick you up Thursday, seven o'clock.

-But I was never on a horse before.

-Ach! Neither have I! It'll be an adventure!

-He seemed happy.

-We're going on a date!

-See how relieved you are now they're not fighting?

-Yes.

-Wouldn't it be nice if Maria could feel that way?

-Ring Mrs Nicholson.

-I don't think so.

I've dialled the number. Speak to her!

Hello, Hidley?

Yes, how do do do?

It's Agnes.

Agnes Brown.

How many fuckin' Agneses do you know?

Mammy!

Sorry.

No. Look, Hillary, I was just thinking.

You know, we're going to have twins in the family.

You're going to be one granny, I'm going to be their real granny...

I just thought, you know... I'd like to take you to dinner.

No, no, not here.

I'll take you out.

We'll go somewhere nice.

We come here all the time.

That's nice.

-Would you like some ketchup?

-No, thank you.

Here. Put them in your bag, say nothing.

-You'll have a drink, will you?

-I have a sherry.

No, you'd have a DRINK, though. Mr Foley, two pints of cider, please!

You're very lucky to have your husband at home, Mrs Nicholson.

-Yes, I suppose.

-Mine's in hospital most of the time.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Thanks, Mr Foley.

Do you be gettin' it regular, now?

Winnie!

That's not the kind of question you ask.

-Getting what?

-The bonky-bonky thing!

-Where can one powder one's nose?

-On one's face.

Oh, the toilet? It's back there.

-BOTH: She's not getting it.

-No, she's not.

-So, how's Sharon?

-She's taking cookery lessons now.

That's no harm. Do you remember she tried to make French toast and caught her tongue in the toaster?

-She made a carrot cake last night.

-A carrot cake? How did it turn out?

She didn't grate the carrots.

-What she feckin' needs is a man!

-You're right, Agnes.

Especially her being a virgin.

Yeah!

Amazing time, losing your virginity.

Oh, it is! I remember it, I remember mine. Oh, now!

I was sitting there, me mother and father downstairs looking across from me.

I gave him a nudge, I said, "Shall we sneak upstairs?" So we sneaked upstairs.

Well, we... Hrrrr!

Oh, it was such fun, and when we finished

everybody on the bus just clapped!

-I remember mine.

-Oh?

Pictures first, then home for a quiet drink.

I'd left the electric blanket on so the bed was nice and cosy.

And afterwards, just lay there, smoking me cigarette.

-God, I was in heaven!

-I can imagine.

I only wish Jacko had been there!

We were just talking - how did you meet Jonathan?

Well, I met him in France.

-Ooooh! Winnie went out with a French man once, didn't you?

-I did.

Really? What was his name?

Creme de Monty!

That's a liquor!

BOTH: Do you know him?!

Dermot sent Maria flowers.

-Where is she?

-What?

Maria. Where did he send the flowers to?

Our house, home.

But they both live there - why didn't he bring them home and save a few bob?

You're missing the point, Winnie.

It's a surprise, the romance of it all.

Ah, right.

Dermot's father wasn't like that at all.

Ah, now, Agnes, he did give you that surprise party!

That was his funeral!

Mr Foley! Another pint of cider for the Queen of Sheba!

Howya, Maria. Is Dermot here?

No, he's still in work - the shop's open till ten.

-I'll call back later and see him.

-Do you have to?

-Do you have to call at all?

-What?

Every time Dermot tries to go straight you turn up,

and he's back being the master burglar.

Oh, thanks very much, it's no bother!

It's not a compliment.

Just leave us alone.

-Just go away and leave us alone!

-SHE GROANS

OK.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww.

Will you give that to Dermot?

What is it?

I knew yous two were looking for a place

and a friend of mine just moved out of an apartment.

The rent's cheap.

That's the keys.

Buster...

Buster, look, I'm sorry.

Don't mind me. My hormones are all over the place.

Do you want me to help you look for them?

-Howya, Dermot!

-Howya, Buster!

Uuurgh!

Are you all right, love?

She can't find her harmonica.

I think the babies are coming.

-Jaysus!

-Jaysus!

-Get the suitcase!

-The suitcase!

-Call the ambulance!

-The ambulance!

Breathe, in and out, in and out!

Feel any better?

Bit dizzy, Dermot.

Not you!

Yes, it's easing.

-Good!

-Dermot, you look very pale.

I'm grand.

Aaaargh!

Oooooh...

Eh...

It has two bedrooms and there's a lift that goes...

Buster, go and get help!

Get help, get help...

HELP! HELP!

-Buster, will you get someone?!

-Get someone. Get someone...

-JUST GO!

-I'm going!

ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go...

ALL: Yes!

The winner!

Free drink for everyone!

Mrs Brown, you have to go home.

-I'm having a good time, leave me alone.

-No, you have to come now.

Buster, I don't remember marrying you, now piss off!

-They're coming!

-Who's coming?

-The babies, they're coming!

-Winnie!

It's Maria's time!

-Where's Dermot?

-He's at your house.

I think he's dead!

Winnie, come on, let's go. You, get Hillary.

Where was I?

Breathe, in and out...

Aaaargh!

Oooh...

Maria, how far apart are the pains?

-Oh, not too far, a few minutes.

-Where's Dermot?

He's on the floor - he's not able for this!

-Winnie, we'd better get things started.

-Right, Agnes,

I'll get hot water, whisky, a lamp and newspapers.

Winnie!

I'm not feckin' John Wayne!

Just call an ambulance!

Mammy, thank God you're here!

Just relax.

Son, look after your wife.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

-Mother, are you all right?

-I'm fine, thank you.

Come on, I can take you!

Aaargh!

Ooooh...

Oh, God, Maria, are you all right?

She's fine, the babies are coming.

-The babies are... THE BABIES ARE COMING!

-Calm down!

-THE BABIES ARE COMING!

-Calm down.

THE BABIES ARE COMING!

ECHOING THUMP

ECHOING THUMP

ECHOING CRACK

Maria, come on, lie down.

Everybody else, into the kitchen!

Come on, love, lie down.

Lie down, get your feet up.

Remember your classes - breathe in, breathe out...

Can't see the telly!

Piss off, you!

Breathe in...

I can't see the telly!

Breathe in, breathe out...

Oh, Dermot, good man, look after your wife.

-What will I do?!

-Encourage her!

Go, Maria! Go, Maria!

Shut up, you moron! Aargh!

-Mammy, have her waters gone yet?

-No, not yet!

Uuurgh!

WATER GUSHES

Scratch that last message!

Give me a towel!

SIREN WAILS

Oh, you're here, thank God!

Maria, the ambulance is here.

Everything's going to be fine!

NOT HIM! HER!

Not her! THIS her!

Dermot, Dermot...

Dermot, son, you go in the ambulance with Maria.

For God's sake, don't you dare faint again, go!

She's close, five centimetres!

Aaargh!

She's close, five kilometres!

REPETITIVE TAPPING

Buster, stop it.

Sorry.

I'm not able for this feckin' waiting!

Your father was great - he was so cool.

I remember when I was in on Rory.

He just came in and said, "Any news of the baby?"

I said, "He's two."

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Kieron? Yes, hold on, he's here.

Kieron, it's for you.

PHONE RINGS

-Is that your phone?

-No!

Of course not - you wouldn't be silly enough

to leave your phone on in a feckin' studio!

It's OUR phone!

Hello?

Fuck's sake, Kieron!

REPETITIVE TAPPING

Stop, Buster!

Sorry.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Dermot!

Yes?

Hold on.

The first one was born an hour ago - it's a boy!

-Yes!

-Yes, love.

The second was born ten minutes ago - it's another boy! Twin boys!

Yes!

I'm still here, love, yes.

You what?

Well, I...

They're expecting the third any minute now.

Yes!

My God, life doesn't get better than this!

Well done, Mammy!

-I must bring her night clothes in the morning.

-And I'll bring her flowers tomorrow.

-They're not her flowers.

-They are - the ones you got for Dermot.

I didn't get them for Dermot, I got them for Mark.

For Mark?

DOOR OPENS

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Oh, Rory, Rory, great news!

Rory, are you all right?

Ah, it's me back, Mammy, I feel like I'm two foot tall.

-Did you fall?

-No, Mammy.

Me and Dino were up in the park, riding!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Three beautiful boys, and they're the image of me.

That'll be the trauma of the birth, Agnes.

It'll wear off.

Sorry.

Three beautiful new Brown boys!

You won't know yourself with babies in the house.

I know! Mind you, they're moving out shortly. I should make the most of it while I can.

Yeah.

Triplets!

-What a way to end the series.

-Yeah.

-What? This isn't the last episode?

-Yes, it is.

But it can't be - there's been no song!

You're right, Winnie!

We have a problem.

Well, just hold on.

First, I have a problem.

Betty, I didn't want to upset Maria -

but I got those flowers for you.

-I know.

-And the tickets to Venice weren't for Dermot and Maria - I got them for us.

-I know.

-And I'm fed up with being told...

-You know?

-Yes, Buster told me everything.

The hero again.

OK, then. Fine.

-Sorry, Ma, what's your problem?

-Well, it's much bigger than yours!

This is the last programme in the series - we've no song!

I'll give you a song, Ma.

-Mark, love, you can't sing.

-Want to bet?

MUSIC: Macy Gray's "I Try"

# Games, changes and fears

# Where do they go from here?

# When do they stop?

# I believe that fate has brought us here

# And we should be together, babe

# But we are not

# I play it cool but I'm thinking of you

# I keep my cool, but I'm feelin'

ALL: # I try to say goodbye and I choke

# Try to walk away and I stumble

# Though I try to hide it, it's clear

# My world crumbles when you are not near

# Goodbye and I choke

# Try to walk away and I stumble

# Though I try to hide it, it's clear

# My world crumbles when you are not near

# Goodbye and I choke

# Try to walk away and I stumble

# Though I try to hide it, it's clear

# My world crumbles when you are not near. #

You see?! It always works out the way it's supposed to.

Good night!

One more time!

# I try to say goodbye and I choke

# Try to walk away and I stumble

# Though I try to hide it, it's clear

# My world crumbles when you are not near

# Goodbye and I choke

# Try to walk away and I stumble

# Though I try to hide it, it's clear

# My world crumbles when you are not near. #

That's nice!

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