Miranda Murder in Successville

This programme contains strong language

Hello, I'm Mark Wright from TV and radio and, today,

I'm starring in my very own cop drama.

I've got no idea what's about to happen to me, so wish me luck.

I'm off to Successville.

Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law,

and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

I'm DI Sleet.

Homicide makes me hard.

Justice makes me wet.

And baby elephants make me cry.

I'm just a whole heap of mixed-up cop - so sue me.

-Sleet.

-Hey, boss.

Can I, erm...

talk to you?

Whatever you want. My door's always open for a friend.

-Come in.

-Thank you.

You OK?

-Ricardo's left me.

-Sorry to hear that, boss.

Well, erm, I guess...

Do you find me...

abrasive?

Overbearing? Difficult to be around?

Well, chief, if I'm honest with you...

Yeah, please.

All of us do. All the guys here.

I mean, you're horrible.

-You're a mean, nasty man.

-Yeah? Well, what about you, Sleet?

-What you are in all of this...

-It's not about me, Chief.

Well, it is about you, you...

you bloated carp!

-What?

-Yeah, you look like you sleep in a cave.

Look at this place! It stinks.

And you stink!

-Thanks for nothing, Sleet!

-But you...

-He's in there.

-Damn it.

Damn it to hell.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Mark, DI Sleet.

-Mark what?

-Mark Wright.

-Take a seat.

-Thank you very much.

You a brave boy, Wright?

-A very brave boy.

-Oh, really?

You like yourself, huh?

-You can fight?

-Yeah, I've got a pair of hands on me.

I'm not too bad.

How are you with the ladies?

That's one thing I can guarantee -

there's no-one better.

-Oh, really?

-No-one.

This is purely two guys having a chat.

Just two Gs having a hoedown,

chatting about honeys.

Erm, what's your bunking style?

-What do you go with?

-Start slow...

-build it up.

-This is what I do.

You can't tell anyone about this.

I go and look them in the eye.

One, two, three, thrust.

One, two, three, out.

One, two, three, thrust.

One, two, three, out.

One, two, three, thrust.

One, two, three, out.

-There's two things me and you have got in common.

-Right, yep?

We've both got good hair.

-Yep, bingo.

-And we're both going to teach each other something.

You're going to teach me to become

the best police officer in the world.

-Right.

-And I'm going to teach you how to shag.

Yeah, you see, Wright, one of the things I do after I do some bonking,

after I lay down some sex,

is I ask girls to fill out a feedback form.

One lady told me when I ejaculate, my leg shakes like a dog.

-I've been there.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, this is making me feel better about myself, if I'm honest.

Especially when you're on your knees.

-Do you go on your knees?

-Mm.

-When?

-Doggy style.

-What's that?

-It's when...

It's when the...

It's when the lady faces the other way,

-she's on her knees.

-Right.

You're on your knees behind her and...

And do you bark? Do you bark during doggie style?

-No, I've never done that. You could do.

-OK.

Anyway, well, you know something, Mark,

I feel like we've really hit it off.

What are you two losers talking about?

Well, actually, you know, Mark here was just telling me

-about different sexual techniques.

-Really, really?

Well, I'm sorry to close down the wank parlour.

Sleet, perhaps you could explain to this buffed-up piss spoon

about the terrible drug that's ravaging Successville.

Miranda - you ever heard of it?

Er, no.

I want you to go out and clean this mess up, yes?

I've got my eye on you...

big boy.

Don't worry about him. Listen, kid,

you ready to go and chase down this drug Miranda

and kick in some drug dealers and beat their heads in?

-I'm ready.

-Then Mark Wright, sexual warrior,

let's go solve a crime.

'Like taking a big dump, snitches were disgusting, but necessary.'

'We headed to see Daniel Radcliffe,

a sneaky street maggot who had information about Miranda.'

Radcliffe!

Radcliffe, you little weasel!

What, you got shit in your ears?

In retrospect, I probably could have parked a little closer.

Yeah, we could get a taxi to him, he's that far.

All right, mate, don't make me feel even worse about it, Mark.

Bit awkward, you know, that long walk

after I got you to turn round all the way back.

Yeah, I thought that, too.

How you doing, you little crap-weasel?

Hi, Sleet! Who's the baggage?

-Baggage, tell him.

-I'm Mark.

Ah, well, I don't much like new people.

We ain't here for a social, are we?

Tell him what we want to know about.

Miranda - what you got for us?

Well, a big shipment arrived about three weeks ago,

hit the streets harder than a dentist with a hammer,

knocked everything else into a cocked hat,

like someone who's really clumsy and has got a hat on their cock.

Hahah, little joke!

So, listen to me - who's selling the stuff?

I'll tell you who.

-GUNSHOT

-Aaargh!

-WHEELS SPIN AWAY

-Aaargh!

Gently, hold his hand, hold his hand. Hold his hand.

Good boy. Comfort him, Mark, comfort him.

It's OK, it's OK, sweet boy.

-Sleet, he's dying.

-I know he's dying, OK?

Just keep looking at me. Can you hear us?

HE GROANS INTENSELY

What is that? That's a horrible sound.

That's an awful sound.

Are we going to save him, or...?

Well, I think the main thing is... Hey...

Hey, man, I don't want to be a dick about this.

Just keep it down a little bit, please?

I think the... Hey, shut up, shut up! Just for a second.

Who sells Miranda?

T-... T-...

-Where's it come from?

-That's it. Who is it?

Tequilas.

GARGLED SPLUTTER

You're saying Tequilas is the one who's selling the drugs?

Should we worry about who shot him?

Nah, they're gone now, they're long gone.

Come back down, Mark, come back down.

My knee's hurting, Sleet.

Is it? Oh, you poor thing(!)

He's just been SHOT, Mark, and your knee's hurting!

Unbelievable! Really unbelievable!

This is half the thing about being a cop.

Sometimes, you've got to be sensitive.

OK, buddy, you've gotta die now.

-Off you go.

-What?

-Go into the light.

-What light?

-Go into the light.

Can you hear the angels? Can you hear the baby angels?

-No.

-Follow the angels, buddy.

Honestly, Sleet, I'm fine.

I think it's better we just... we just end this now.

OK, I'm going to end this for you.

-Huh?

-I'm just going to take you out of your pain.

That's it. That's it, off you go, off you popsie.

-MUFFLED WHIMPER

-Sleepy bye-byes. Sleepy bye-byes.

-Go sleepy bye-byes.

-Sleet, you're murdering him.

It's only murder if someone tittle-tales.

-Is this what you do as a copper?

-Ssh!

Wrighty, search his pockets.

Well, well, well!

-It's Miranda.

-Oh, yeah.

Let me have a taste, give me a little finger of that.

Oh, man, that's bleach.

That's horrible. Take that as evidence.

-He's dead, let's... We'd better go.

-The pigeons will eat him, anyway.

-Unlucky, Radcliffe.

-Yeah.

See you around, you loser.

That Miranda, there's definite bleach in that.

'We were now hunting a drug-peddling murderer.

'My hunch was that Paul Hollywood

'and his motorcycle maniacs were somehow involved.

'Time to leather up, Marky boy.'

You ready for this, kid? We're going undercover with the Sons Of Peace.

I'm already in with them.

They know me as Nobby McCann.

-Nobby McCann?

-Yeah, a free-wheeler who joined their ranks 20 years ago.

Who am I?

You're going to be my cousin from out of town - Sarah.

Sarah?! Are you having a fucking laugh?

No, Sarah it is.

If you're going to be one of them, you'll need this.

Put this on.

-You like it?

-It's getting worse.

What do you mean...? It's cool.

-It's...

-Tassel waistcoat?

Yeah, well, then just say that you went to Mexico on holiday

and everyone was wearing them.

Listen, let's go dance a disco.

Hey, I'll go first. They know me.

TAVERN DOOR SWINGS OPEN

Hey, take a seat.

Oh, wow!

God, that was a hell of a ride in.

-Nobby McCann!

-Hollywood.

You've brought a stranger with you.

I don't like strangers, even ones I've known for years.

He ain't no stranger.

This is my cousin.

Tell him your name.

Sarah.

Hello, Sarah.

I hope you didn't bring any weapons in here.

Cos we talk with our fists only...

Well, let me tell you, Sarah only fights with his fists.

-He's a fister.

-He's a fister?

He's also very good round the old one-armed bandito.

Ah, fruit machines.

No, arm wrestling. He's an arm wrestler.

He'll arm wrestle any punk in this place.

-What?

-And he'll beat 'em, too.

Why don't you choose one of my men to arm wrestle, then?

OK, yeah.

-I pick him, there. The guy, there, with the horrible eyes.

-Fuck off...

The crazy-looking man who looks like he'd break your face

just if you walked into his... orbit.

-He's fucking massive.

-What's wrong with you?

Are you a man or a mouse?

You're going to take on Batshit Patrick, the Violent Giant?

-Are you sure?

-Is that his name?

That's his ACTUAL name.

Poor kid didn't really have a chance, did he?

-His parents calling him that.

-It's nominative determinism, in't it?

Yeah, I don't know what that means,

but I guess it means that he is a sad bunny.

Come on, Paddy. Got a challenge.

-Fucking hell.

-Do you know,

he once wrestled the arm off a bear - a daddy bear?

Do you think you can beat him?

Hey, hey! Is that a dick or your nose, Nosedick?

HE SNORTS

Have you got a problem with your sinuses or are you being aggressive?

You should get some Vicks on your nose

cos you sound like you might have, like, congestion.

That's horrible, man.

That's probably why you're so angry.

-What's wrong?

-Stop winding him up.

OK, right... What do you want... Listen,

the only chance you've got is you've got to get inside this guy's head.

He's as big as a fucking house.

He's taking off his jacket.

Hey, what are you doing, a strip tease?

Hey, what, do you want me to put some money in your belt,

you filthy slut?

What, are you going to show us your titties?

You big pervert.

Yah!

Wow!

It's arm wrestling time, lads.

Hey, everyone. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

-ROOM JOINS IN:

-Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

HE ROARS

Come on, Sarah! Come on, Sarah!

Come oo-on,

Sarah!

-CHEERING

-Well done, Sarah!

Yeah!

In your face, you big lump of crud!

-That was impressive.

-Yeah, it really was, huh?

No-one's ever beaten the Violent Giant before.

Yeah, he just did, you big piece of shit!

That was the coolest thing I ever did see.

Why don't you leave me with your cousin here for a bit?

OK, I'm going to go and get a drink.

-Do you mind if I leave you? OK.

-Don't go too far.

Well, I'll be over there by the bar.

Hey, I'm really proud of you, I really am.

You're the best.

Wow!

I like your clothes.

Cheers. I like yours, too.

Thanks.

One second.

Mint condom.

The f... What are you doing?

Mmm.

Aids digestion, it freshens the breath...

and it's a powerful aphrodisiac.

It's disgusting.

Can I have a kiss?

-No.

-Just one little kiss.

-I don't want to kiss you.

-Just a little kiss.

-I don't want to kiss you.

-Come on.

-Nobby!

-Whoa!

It looks like you guys have hit it off.

How you doing, kid?

-I'm doing all right.

-OK, yeah. It looks like he likes you.

Hey, what's that?

-What is that?

-He started eating johnnies.

What? What?!

-He put it in his mouth, a condom.

-He put a condom in his mouth? What?

-I don't know what he's talking about.

-He put a condom in his mouth.

-Are you joking?

-No.

-Sarah, are you...

-No, I didn't.

-You did.

-No.

-You did and you even tried to blow a bubble with it.

-I never.

-You tried to blow a bubble with a condom?

-Never did it.

-You did.

-No.

-He did.

What else has he said?

He said...he wants to kiss me and he likes the look of me.

It was a joke.

Either he's just testing me or he's...

Well, I hope he's just testing you,

otherwise I've been spending 20 years here

-and he's never, ever made those...

-Wait a minute, what?

Is this a gay bar?

-What?

-Is this a gay bar?

-Not that I know of.

I mean, everyone's friendly.

No, it's just a group of guys that hang out with bikes and leather.

It's not a gay bar, is it, Paul?

-Just...

-No.

-It's just friendly.

-It's really friendly.

The way you're being towards me,

this romantic feeling's a little bit nerve-racking,

so for me to warm up and have confidence,

I need something, like a bit of Miranda, or something like that.

-You got any?

-My boys don't touch it.

That stuff can kill you with one hit - a bit like me.

You know what?

We're going to get out of here.

We don't want to outstay our welcome.

-Good stuff. See you all around!

-Bye, Nobby.

See you, buddy.

'Wright had proved to me he was brave, strong and sexy.

'So, next day, whilst I tended to an all-you-can-eat buffet,

'Mark went to meet the town's most feared drug lord,

'Frankie Boyle, alone.'

Well, well, well!

If it isn't Her Majesty's Constabulary!

How bone-grindingly tedious of you to pay us a visit, Mr...

-Wright.

-Let's get a round of tequilas.

Nah, no drink for me, please.

So, I assume you have some questions for me.

Yeah, I do, actually...

You dinnae look that bright. Do you want me to read them myself?

Nah, it's all good. I can ask them myself.

Salut.

Radcliffe, did you know him?

I'm about as aware of him as I imagine you are

of nuclear fucking physics. Any more questions?

-Not really, no.

-Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, then.

I've had a more thorough grilling off a set of fairy lights.

-Off you pop!

-I'm after you, Boyle.

Actually, where are you going?

What do you think this is - a drop-in centre?

I've no' finished with you yet, wee boy.

-Take a seat.

-I just want to go.

-PHONE RINGS

-You'd better answer that.

Don't try anything clever, I wouldn't want you to get a headache.

Mark, it's me.

Don't say my name, don't say my name.

Don't say anything incriminating.

If you are in trouble, say, "Yes, babe,

"I can't really talk right now..."

Yes, babe, erm, I can't really talk at the moment.

OK, Wright, listen - if they've got guns, say,

"I'm going for a few pints with the lads."

I'm just going to go for a few jars with the lads.

OK. How many of them are there?

If there's less than ten, say,

"It's different when it's a GIRLS' night, ain't it, you silly skank!"

It's different when it's a girl's night, innit, you silly skank!

You get nothing but grief from these, don't you?

Well, I'm sure, talking to her like that.

It's not 1972! It sounds like you need to learn to communicate.

Gie's that phone!

Listen, hen,

I was just saying to Captain Tantastic here

that yous need to learn to communicate.

I mean, it's none of my business,

but do you find you argue all the time?

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Well, I wouldn't say it's really arguing, Frank.

To be honest, he's always downright nasty to me.

Just the other day, I got dressed up all nice for his birthday

and he said me legs looked like sausage meat stuffed into a condom.

-That's very common, but you can talk through all that.

-Yeah?

Well, when we're making sex, you know,

sometimes he doesn't even wait for me to enjoy myself.

He just sticks his winkie right in me and then he bloody finishes off

and then, oh, bloody goes and watches TV

and I have to bloody do everything else on me own!

She's...

She's just lying.

-She's...

-I ain't a liar, you filthy scumbag!

Oh, I can't believe you'd say such a thing!

Explain to her how you feel about her, man.

Make some time for her.

I love you, baby, and you make me happy every day

and you're such a good shagger and...

our sex life's amazing.

What a sweet thing to say, Mark.

And you're... You're good at sex as well.

-I know I am.

-Well, now we're getting somewhere...

Wouldn't you say...

Sleet?

Five, four, three, two, one...

BANGING AT DOOR

I'm coming, Mark!

God, huh?

-Oh, it's, uh...

-Oh, hey, Sleet, what took you so long?

I've seen pianos make a quicker entrance than you.

Hey, Mark, you OK, kid?

-Good.

-That's adorable, Sleet.

What are you, his partner or his baby-sitter?

Hey, I'm his partner!

But let me tell you something, Boyle. If I was his baby-sitter,

I'd let him stay up late and watch all his favourite films

and eat ice cream and jelly and trifle

and bacon Frazzles and other nice snacks.

-And you know why?

-Because you're a paedophile?

No, no.

No, that's not... No.

Because he's a good kid.

He's got more good in him than you've got in your little finger.

Hey, say something cool.

Your boys are tiny.

Cooler than that.

Well, why don't I wheel you lot out in body bags?

Say something like that.

Why don't we wheel you lot out in body bags?

Don't copy me, say something of your own.

-Just...

-If you carry on,

I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.

-Yeah, that's better.

-Hey, took him a while there,

but he got there, didn't he, Sleet?

Yeah, we did, we got there eventually.

-Let's get out of here.

-There was a load of graft to get there.

Back off, creep. You're nothing without Boyle.

'Finally, we headed to Scumville to lock horns with Tess Daly

'and Claudia Winkleman, local lowlife druggies who,

'like a crab with a blowtorch,

'were tricky and dangerous.'

-Are you ready?

-HEAVY BASS PLAYS IN NEXT ROOM

You know what we're doing now?

We're about to roll into the gates of Hell.

You know what's in there?

It's a crack den, kid.

You ever been in a crack den before?

No.

I'm locked and loaded.

I got you a pepper spray, it's my home-made stuff.

-OK.

-OK, listen.

We're going to have to go in stealth mode.

-What's stealth?

-Stealth...what?

Really?

Stealth...

is quiet.

OK.

-You like my hair?

-Yeah.

HE MOUTHS

Scared. Don't be scared.

Sorry, sorry.

I lost my balance.

-You idiot.

-I'm sorry.

Wait.

When you're going to spray,

show me what you're going to do.

No, no, no, you're like a squirrel...

Going for some nuts.

Knock... open... SPRAY...

HE LAUGHS AUDIBLY

Hey, hey!

Wright! Mark!

We are fucked!

Pull yourself together.

-Sorry.

-You're ruining it.

OK, knock.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-MAN:

-Yes?

-Who is it? Aaargh!

-Jesus!

Aaargh! Aaargh!

I'm sorry, mate!

What are you doing? I'm sorry, buddy.

-His bollocks are out.

-I'm sorry, buddy.

Let's get you back in your house.

MUFFLED SCREAMS

That was the wrong door.

We're looking for Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman.

It's this one, down here.

OK, everybody freeze.

Everybody easy.

TESS LAUGHS

Detective Inspector!

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Seeing you pair of clowns is never a pleasure.

-LAUGHS:

-Charmed, I'm sure!

Will you not take seat?

I don't want to take a seat. I don't want to catch anything.

That's not what he said last time he was here, is it, Tess-Tess?

-No, it's not.

-Know what he said last time when he lived here?

-No.

-I'll shut up. Ignore me, ignore me.

-Shut up!

I was a different man back then.

Look, if you're not going to buy anything,

-I'd rather you just sling your hook.

-Hey, wait there.

Is that Mulhern? Is that Stephen Mulhern?

I told you never to show your...

Come here!

Mark, don't let them leave!

And don't have sex with them!

Tess-Tess, he's all by himself.

Tess-Tess, come, come, sit down.

-Come and sit down.

-Don't be scared.

-Don't be scared. Sit down with us.

I know Daddy's gone, I know what it's like. Sit down.

Oh, my God, Tess-Tess, look at him, he's absolutely gorgeous.

-He's lovely.

-Look at your face! It's absolutely gorge!

I could eat you, I could eat you up.

You've got a lovely face.

Now, Winkle, don't frighten him.

-I love a man in uniform, love it.

-Winkle, heel.

Where were you both earlier today?

In the flat. In the flat. She doesn't like to go out.

-She doesn't like to go out.

-I don't like the outside world.

I don't like going out cos rooms are too big once you leave this room.

-I don't like big rooms.

-So, earlier today, you were both here.

-Right here.

-We've had a bloody great day,

-haven't we, Tess-Tess?

-Oh, such a wonderful day.

One for Winkle, one for Winkle.

She always forgets me.

Do you two know Daniel Radcliffe?

Not seen him for years. We used to know him.

I think he had a thing for Tess.

I've said it, I've said it.

You know that he...

he was murdered earlier.

-Oh.

-Did you know about that?

-No.

Oh, Tess-Tess, somebody... Oh, that's...

-Tess-Tess, that's awful.

-That's very sad.

Winkle, show sadness.

-I'm sorry he's dead.

-Oh, yeah.

Just stop this shit!

-Oh.

-Oh! Oh!

-Oh!

-Ohh!

Give me some real answers.

Tess-Tess has made him cross! Made him cross.

You're telling me you're sitting in one of the grimiest,

-dirtiest crack dens I've ever seen...

-One of the best!

-This is the best crack, here.

-..and you know nothing at all?

Nothing I'll tell you.

If you don't mind, I'm going to go and powder my nose.

-OK, Tess-Tess.

-You be good.

Oh. Oh!

You can never have too many biscuits.

-Sleet!

-Where's Tessie?

Where is she?

-Where's Tessie?

-Sleet!

Did you take her? It's all right, don't worry, I've got Dolly.

I'm going to find my dolly. Oh, there it is, there's Dolly.

There's Dolly.

Say hello to Dolly.

-Say hello to Dolly.

-Put the gun down.

I think your face is like an angel that cried.

Put it down, Winkle, put it down.

-Sleet!

-It's like a little cloud made up of human skin.

Tessie!

SHE CACKLES

Sleet! SHE SLAMS THE DOOR

-Sleet, where you been?

-What do you mean, where have I been?

You saw where I went. I went and chased Mulhern.

I just had a gun to my head.

What do you expect? You're in a crack den!

-You left me here.

-What did I say as I left the room?

-Don't let them leave.

-Where are they?

Would you let someone leave if they had a gun pointed at your head?

-No, I'd have pulled my gun.

-I haven't got a gun!

Who are you trying to blame for this?

We're out of suspects!

You have become very sarcastic, and I don't like it!

This ends now.

'Mark and I kissed and said sorry.

'It was time to wrap up this case and put a justice bow on top.

'Wright decided who he thought was the Miranda-peddling killer

'and we headed over to meet them for le showdown,

'which is French for the end.'

Well, well, well!

What have we got here, Boyle?

Bit of a social, is it?

More like an antisocial with you around, you filthy pig!

What does that even mean?

What does this mean? You ready?

Take the shot. Take out Boyle, go!

SIRENS APPROACH TYRES SCREECH

Oh, my Boyled God!

Oh, come on, what is that?!

-What's that?!

-That, sir, is what we call in the police a massacre.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

-Why?

-Well, you'd have to ask Mark Wright why.

Mark, please explain.

Boyle - that's who we're after.

-He's killed Radcliffe.

-Oh, has he?

How have you deduced that, Mark?

He's a seller of Miranda.

-Right.

-What we're here for.

Yeah? How do you know?

Because when Radcliffe got killed,

-he told me "tequila"...

-Right.

..and Boyle offered me a tequila.

-Oh...!

-And also, sir, if I may,

I think when we open this little boot,

you'll find this thing's full of Miranda.

These are toys and lemons for the local orphanage.

Really, lemons? That's a weird thing to give a kid.

HE SLAMS BOOT

It couldn't have been Frankie Boyle.

Radcliffe didn't say "tequila".

He said "two killers".

Two...killers...

Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman.

It couldn't have been Paul Hollywood.

Why? Because we was a member of the Sons of Peace.

I hope you didn't bring any weapons in here.

Yeah?

You were told that Miranda was made with bleach.

Tess and Claudia had bleach in their apartment,

but Boyle didn't have any in his.

What have you got to say for yourself?

I hated him.

I went into his flat, he intimidated me.

-Right.

-He had three geezers round me with guns...

-Ooh.

-..so I couldn't give a shit, anyway.

-Yeah?

-Cos I hate him.

Yeah? Mark Wright?

-Mark Wrong!

-Mark Wright.

Mark Who?

-Mark Wright!

-MARK WHO?

-MARK FUCKING WRIGHT!

-MARK FUCKING WRONG!

Mark Wrong.

Get him out of my sight.

Get him out of my sight, you inflatable twat.

We're going, chief.

Sleet, say something, cos you thought it was him as well.

I didn't really think it was Boyle.

If I'm honest, I was just hanging out with you, having a good time.

It's been a hell of a day.

Think about what we've done together as friends, huh?

Do you know my favourite bit?

-Yeah, can I tell you mine?

-When you pepper sprayed...

The old man!

THEY LAUGH

Now, THAT was what I call police work.

MUSIC: You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates