Memoirs Murder in Successville

This programme contains some strong language.

Hey! Who's out here? They got me bad. They've come for us, Bunton.

Whoever you think killed the cops in this town and then killed me,

you gotta take 'em out, Bunton.

Take...the shot.

Katie!

It wasn't Perry!

McKellan is the killer!

-Where is he? Where's Sleet?

-Oh, my God, you need to come and see.

MACHINE BEEPS

Sleet, can you hear me?

It's Laing.

Sleet?

If you can hear me.

I heard you were shot.

Sleet?

Are you a little cherub, sent from the heavens?

Little cloud pixie...

..sent to take me to heaven?

Is that what you are, boy?

Just a friend here for you.

SOMETHING FALLS

You just ripped out my drip.

It's pretty essential to me staying alive.

-I don't know what to do with it.

-Just put it back in there.

-OK. Are you sure you don't want a nurse?

-Don't worry about nurses.

-OK.

-The nurses have been starving me of food.

There's some fruit there, I can give you some fruit?

-What fruit is that?

-I can get you...

Feed me this banana.

-Please.

-Apparently, if you eat 11 bananas, it can kill you.

Well, lucky enough for me, there's only two there.

-You clown.

-Just trying to cheer you up.

By telling me that I might be poisoned by bananas?

It's good to see that your police work is as good as your bedside manner, Laing.

Where were you shot?

What are you trying to do, Laing, choke me to death?

-Is that good?

-Mm, it's nice.

I was shot in the jam tart.

You were shot in the heart?

Just above it. When I was a boy, I had an operation.

It meant that my heart was made from wood.

-Like Pinocchio?

-Who's Pinocchio?

The puppet. He was a wooden boy.

BOTH STIFLE GIGGLES

Tell me the story of Pinocchio, Jamie.

I could do with some cheering up.

He was a...

Geppetto.

Sorry, it's just a bit emotional to see you like this.

I know, boy.

I think he was a cop and turned into a puppetmaker.

Pinocchio was a puppet and, I don't know,

he became alive somehow and Geppetto always wanted a real boy.

You know something?

I...

think me and this Geppetto guy have got a bit in common.

Both want a...wooden boy?

No, I used to have a puppet when I was a boy.

My mum put him in the wash, and his eyes fell off.

You know, I was thinking of taking a holiday after all this.

-Mm-hmm.

-You got any good recommendations?

-What about the Maldives?

-Is it hot there?

Yeah, and there's beaches and blue sea.

Do you know the last place I went to on holiday?

-Where?

-It was a little shantytown

where all of the people in the town took an instant dislike to me.

Started calling me "Gun-dung-van-deg".

For a while I wondered what that meant but it meant "big,

"stinky, white idiot".

One day I got home and the mud hut I had built

had been trashed to the floor. It was just a heap of mud.

And, er...

Then I met one of the tribe women, Coogen Tag.

I thought she loved me,

but it turned out that was just a big practical joke.

I just feel so bad for you.

So I ended up alone just sitting on a big pile of mud,

that used to be my hut.

Oh, that's so sad.

Maybe you could give me a hand.

I have no strength in me.

-What is this?

-It's a book I'm trying to write about my life.

So you want me to write something down?

Just help me with my memoirs please, boy.

-OK.

-My memoirs.

-That's the title?

-Yup.

How do you spell memoirs? M...

..E-M-O-I-R-S, I think.

Don't worry about it. Just put the memory.

Actually, put "the tale", "the story".

-OK, the tale.

-No, the story, the story of...

-The story of...

-'Mark Wright,

'one of the most attractive men I have ever met

'and the killer drug Miranda,

'which was as intoxicating and as addictive as his eyes and his chin.'

The main thing about drugs, Mark,

is the only way I can truly understand them

is by having a little taste.

Oh, oh!

Holy...!

Wow!

Oh, it kicks like a horse!

-You shouldn't be doing that.

-What?

This is how I do it.

I need to get inside the head of a drug dealer.

One go can kill you, you know.

Yeah, well, I'm a maverick.

That's a little bump, that's just a little one.

It's got in my head, though, that's nice.

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Sleet?

-Shit. That's the chief.

Listen, don't tell him I've had any drugs. Please, Mark.

-He'll sack me, Mark.

-Sleet!

-Yeah!

-Hey, Chief.

-What the fuck are you doing in here - wanking?

No, just doing some evidence work.

I'm getting a lot of heat from upstairs over this, yeah?

Children are dying on the streets because of this shit.

How's the investigation going?

-It's going well.

-SLEET YOWLS

Good. I need an update.

He... He needs a poo.

Meow!

-Do you need to shit?

-I'm a pretty pussy, Chief.

I'm sure you are, Sleet.

-Just hold it in for minute.

-Just hold it in, will you?

ODD VOICE: Yes, I will.

What's going on in the case? I presume you've got some leads?

-Yes.

-No...

-You do?

-Yes.

-No.

-Well, maybe you can tell me whether we're going to have...

Guys, seriously, I'm getting a serious pain in my left bollock.

My willy bum, my willy bum hurts.

Well, I don't care if your willy bum hurts!

It's not funny, Sleet.

Chief, Chief, can I say something?

No! Right, go on. What?

STRAINING: I love you.

I love you.

Well, I appreciate that, but I don't think this is the time to tell me

-that.

-I love you.

-I am getting my arse caned upstairs,

so I need some answers here, fast.

Pretty boy. Pretty, pretty horsey boy.

What a pretty bollo.

Bollo, bollo.

Is he on something?

WEIRD VOICE: No...

Mark, I'm serious, have you given him something?

-No, I promise, so.

-I'm blind!

I'm blind! I'm blind!

I can't see.

Ah! Ah!

Oh! It was just my ey...

I closed them, I just closed them.

That's what it was. I just closed them.

Sir, I promise, I've given him nothing. He needs a poo.

-Well, what's wrong with him?

-You're a stupid giraffe!

How dare you talk to me like that? How fucking dare you!

And you? Two strikes, my friend.

Third strike and you're out.

You'd better fucking solve this.

I haven't done anything, Sir, I just...

-What?

-First day on the job

and you've done this and I've lost a strike!

-I don't even know what happened then.

-You shouldn't have took it. I told you not to take it.

-You've never tried it before, you didn't know what it was going to do to you.

-I literally blacked out.

-What even happened then?

-Sleet, I know you're my boss, but you're an idiot. I'm going home.

Mark, come on... Hey! It was just a bit of drugs.

MACHINE BEEPS

What do you want?

What are you? Some kind of fucking bullet magnet?

There's work to be done.

I ain't going nowhere till my nipple grows back.

Bollocks. I've got a stack of murder cases building up like dog turds.

I need you.

-Yes?

-No.

I beg your pardon?

I said no.

I'm done, Chief. I'm out.

I quit.

-What?

-No, Successville has changed me, Chief.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Nigella Lawson, sir.

I love her and she loves me.

Oh, God... Erm...

Erm...

The thing is, Sleet...

Nigella doesn't love you.

She doesn't even like you.

She was using you as bait to catch the cop killer.

She was just doing her job.

NO! Take that back!

We are soul mates.

I saw inside of her.

And not in a sexual way, but through her eyes.

Into her heart. And she was good.

She was pure.

She's the only good thing I've ever known.

Well, where the fuck is she, then, eh?

Is she, um...

outside talking to the doctors in hushed tones?

Yes? No!

Is she sitting in the cafe

writing you a little "get well soon" card

and buying you grapes?

No!

You lying, bullying mosquito.

I need you back, Sleet.

You're the best cop I have.

I'm the only cop you have.

That's beside the point.

Get out of my room.

Let me alone with my thoughts.

Get some rest.

No. I don't want to.

Well, whatever.

By heck, life is full of surprises.

Like the time I found out I had a son that I never knew I had.

George Shelley came with me to meet him for the first time.

SLEET "CLEARS HIS THROAT" REPEATEDLY

Ooh.

Ergh, look at that, that's some cold weather.

Talking about the weather with my boy.

Me and my kid.

The boy I never knew I had.

I can't even remember his mother.

I can't.

I can't even remember!

Hey, boy! Hey, boy.

Hey, kid. So, you're little Bobby?

-My name's Joseph.

-Not any more.

Joseph's a stupid name for stupid idiots.

Your name's Bobby now. Do with it what you will,

but throw Joseph away.

We're strong men, the Sleets.

Strong, good men.

You got any questions about your heritage,

about your lineage?

-No.

-Really?

You don't you want to know anything? Well, here's one for you.

Your dad's a pretty cool guy.

Good with his fists.

Handy in a bar fight.

Here's a fighting fact - if you're in a fight, bite.

Bite, don't be scared to bite or gouge eyes.

You know, take a man's nose off if you need to.

Well, you...

You probably should know this.

Been putting people in prison for as long as I can remember.

Shot some guys, too! Different parts of the body.

Took a guy's dick off once with a shotgun.

You know, one time, I teabagged a crocodile.

Stuck my nuts right in his mouth.

Tell that to your friends at school.

So...

Can you give me a second?

He might like you more than me.

Maybe if you sort of stay here and say how cool I am.

-Yeah, OK, go take a breather and come back.

-OK.

Hey, I'm going to go for a walk I think - get the old legs walking.

Look what you dad's got. Smartphone. Take some pictures with this.

Do you have any questions about your dad?

I mean, I've known him for quite a long time now.

Pretty much the whole day, so I've heard some stories.

There's one thing about a duck, and...

"BOBBY'S" PHONE RINGS

Do you want to answer it, or shall I?

PC Shelley.

No, he's just gone for a walk.

It's, er...George.

Are you sure?

Have you double-checked the results, cos this is going to be a blow to him.

OK, thank you Doctor Friedman.

Cheers.

Thanks, bye.

Oh! HE CHUCKLES

God, wow.

Look what I got! Guess who these balloons are for?

Guess who these balloons are for. The little one. Little lad.

Some balloons there for you. Hey, um...

Look at these bottle rockets.

You let these off somewhere cool.

Sleet, you should probably...

-Shut up, shut up.

-It was your doctor.

Butterfly knife? You know a story about this?

Your great, great, great grandfather was on a pirate galleon.

He slit a man's throat with this.

You can still taste that guy's blood.

I like to think that if you were ever in a situation where you need to stab or kill a man,

you'd use this family heirloom.

Sleet!

Hold it...and feel at one with it.

-It's a cool knife, huh?

-Yeah, it's good. You had a phone call.

Hey, you ain't going to do no killing without a drink in you.

You get that in your gullet.

Take that, take a big shot of that for your dad.

-What is it? What did you have to say?

-Your doctor phoned.

He said he had your tests back and they messed them up.

(He's not your son.)

Well, this is all very...

-Very awkward.

-I'm sorry.

It feels like a bit of a kick in the chest, if I'm honest with you.

It's, um...

Let me say something.

This is probably the best thing that ever happened to him. So...

Don't turn to crime, little man.

Please. A lot of orphans end up in the big house.

And I don't want to get a call to a 7-11 one day...

..and turn up with George here

and see you holding it up,

cos I'll put a bullet in you,

and I don't want to have to do that, kid.

I don't want to have to kill you.

So, Bobby... Actually, I'll take your name back.

Joseph - get a good job, get some qualifications, kid.

I'll take these back cos it feels weird giving you gifts

when we don't sort of know you.

You're just a little boy in a park that we're plying with alcohol

and lollipops.

Right. We'd better go, cos it's a bit weird.

Come on.

Evening, all.

-Sleet...

-I know you're there, Lowecroft.

I'm just choosing to ignore you.

You know that I actually thought that being shot through the heart

was going to be the crappiest point

of this week but it turns out

that you being here has made it plummet somewhat more.

Oh, right. Well...just wanted to see how you are.

Yeah, I'm great. Just been shot.

I bought you a present.

I bought you a goldfish, but I spilt it in the car.

Great. A goldfish. That's exactly what I need.

If he'd been here, that would mean

I'd have had two brainless cretins to sit here staring at me.

Don't be like that.

Look, I just wanted to see if I could be any help.

And how do you suppose you're going to help me, Lowecroft?

You think what I really need right now, lying here,

strapped up in a hospital bed, is a big, wet lettuce?

Right, well,

shall I go?

Yeah, I don't like you being here, seeing me weak.

Wait.

Wait, Lowecroft.

I haven't been very nice to you.

In fact, I've been a bit of a dickhead.

If I ever make it out of here...

..it would be an honour to buy you a pint of lager.

-Would it?

-Yeah.

-I'd like that.

-I'd like it, too.

It'd be nice. Maybe go to a pub garden somewhere and

you could bring the one of your kids that's quite normal.

-Darren?

-Yeah, Darren.

He's got glasses now, but he's still...

-He's a good kid.

-Glad to see he's doing well.

-Yeah, bring him along.

-That'd be nice.

Run along, Sid. You're making me feel sad.

Run along, boy. See you, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah, hello? Is that security?

It's DI Sleet up here.

I've just seen a sex offender

dressed as a policeman walk past my room and

I'm a bit worried that he's heading to the children's ward.

Can you, er... Can you do something about it?

Oh, he's got grey hair

and he's dressed in a police uniform.

He'll answer to the name of Lowecroft - Sid Lowecroft.

'Holy Moley, I've had some scrapes over the years.

'Like the time

'when Kimberly Wyatt had to pretend to be my girlfriend,

'that I'd made up to impress my nasty, evil, horrible brother.'

I can't do a Peruvian accent.

Yeah, I mean, what do Peruvian people sound like?

I don't know.

No-one knows. That's the whole point.

Just literally...just sound foreign.

Oh, hello. Welcome to Bruno's.

-That's great.

-It's not great!

Maybe roll your Rs as well.

I can't roll my Rs. Rrrr!

That's good. That's good. Every now and again, just do that.

That's what Latin Americans do.

-Right.

-Well...!

Oh!

If it isn't my baby brother!

Except you're not, are you?

You're way older than me, even though I earn twice as much.

Yeah.

-Nice to see you.

-Good to see you.

Good to see you, Neil.

Eurgh!

My hand stinks of wee after I touched your hand.

It wouldn't... Why would it smell of wee?

-I wash my hands.

-You've got wee on your hands, haven't you?

I haven't got wee. Maybe I touched the table.

-You've got wee on your hands.

-I haven't got...

He's wee'd on his hands.

This is...my beautiful new girlfriend.

-This is your girlfriend?

-Yeah, this is her.

-Hello.

-Yeah, right.

-Yeah, right, this is her.

-This is Alison.

-Nice to meet you, Alison.

-Nice to meet you, too.

-Neil. This is my wife, Neil.

Hi, Alison.

-Hello.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Rrr.

Alison is a...

That's a beautiful accent you have there.

It's a very strange...

-Where is it from?

-Oh, I'm from Peru.

-Peru.

-Yeah.

-You don't have that...

..Peruvian look about you.

No? Maybe it's cos my hair is blonde.

-Yeah.

-Where did you guys meet?

Oh...

Well, we met out...

-dancing.

-Yep.

We were at the nightclub

and he was making me giggle and we decided...

Which nightclub?

The Peruvian nightclub.

-There's only one nightclub in Peru?

-No, no -

this is the best nightclub in Peru

so it's called the Peruvian Nightclub.

Well, congratulations, I guess.

Well done. She's...I mean, you are...

Well, you should see some of the people he dated before.

-They...

-They didn't exist.

They did all exist.

He's being very presumptuous.

Well, welcome to the family.

Well, since you asked, I'm doing fine, thank you, with my work.

Yeah, how is the police force?

Are you still climbing the ladder?

-Plodding along?

-No, I'm pretty much at the top of the ladder, actually.

I'm chief of Murder Squad.

Alison, sadly, I can't tell you what I do.

Let's just put it this way, I'm a spy.

I work at MI5, so...

-Dick.

-What did you say?

Dickhead.

So...

How long have you two been together?

Well, actually it's a weird story there, actually.

Neil's our cousin, so sort of for a long time, really.

Sorry. Neil is not our cousin.

-Well, she is.

-We just have similar...

-Family members.

-Hair.

And some similar family members.

We have the same hairdresser.

-Salvicie.

-Yes, and the same granny and grandad.

-So.

-No, we're not the same...

Neil here, her parents are what we call in England

-our uncle and auntie.

-She's not my cousin.

You're right, she's not your cousin, she's our cousin.

She's neither of our cousins.

Um...

Oh, before I forget,

Alison took the liberty of going to a shop and getting the kids a little

-gift.

-Well, I appreciate that.

I'll take it as a peace offering

for the ears and hair content, and I'm sure Jacob will be very

-impressed.

-It's not just for Jacob.

All the other kids can play with it.

No, no problem at all.

Yeah, that's my girl.

Custom in Peru.

I'm a lucky guy. I'm really lucky guy to have a beautiful woman...

-Sorry...

-What?

What's this?

Is this from the evidence room?

No, it's... It probably...

It's a Peruvian custom.

-It's...

-Is this cocaine?

It could be ketamine, it could be anything.

Alison, where did you get this teddy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

-Do you think this is a treat for our kiddies?

-Guys, go easy on her now, please.

-You're going out with a drug dealer now?

-She's not a drug dealer. It's a bit of coke.

Jesus, Alison, this is sick.

-I don't know what you do in your country, but...

-I think it's a bit strong to start being racist.

Druggy-wuggies, Alison...

-This is disgusting!

-You know what's disgusting? The fact you're having sex with your cousin.

-Well, at least I'm having sex.

-So am I! I've been in this, like,

three times a week!

..I think it would be a good idea for you guys...

Well, I'm sorry to leave what has been a lovely evening.

Well, I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks or...

No, you won't.

Come on, let's get out of here.

MACHINE BEEPS

Helen.

What are you doing here? Pop by to make sure I'm dead?

I came to see if you were alive.

-Is that the same thing?

-I don't know.

All I know is, I've been dead inside since the day you walked out on me.

Well, part of you's still alive, cos your little machine is beeping.

Yeah, well, it's paid to beep.

Everything has its price.

Some of us are paid in bullets, some of us are paid in big,

fat divorce settlements.

I don't think £400 is a big, fat divorce settlement.

-Anyway, I didn't come here to argue with you.

-What did you do?

Pop by to tell me about how cool your life is?

That your new fella's cooler than me and he's got a better car?

Actually, Pete's got four better cars than you.

But you know me, I'm not interested in the size of a man's garage.

-Just what the hell does that mean?

-You know what it means.

-It feels

-like it means something it shouldn't mean.

-Well, it does mean that.

-Does it?

-Yeah.

-So that's what you're saying?

-Yeah. It is what I'm saying.

Oh, good. Just so I get the message loud and clear.

-Got it.

-Yeah, well, you haven't hurt my feelings.

-Good.

-I'm not sad.

-You look sad.

-I've used enough tears over you.

I wish I'd kicked you harder in the shin when I had the chance.

Oh, grow up, Desmond.

-Maybe I can't.

-Well, try.

Focus on it. All right?

I heard you were in here and I thought I'd come down

because ten years is a long time.

-Well, it's actually been 11 years.

-Has it? It's gone quick.

It might've gone quick for you. That ain't my life.

You could have made something of yourself, but you didn't believe in

yourself, did you?

No-one stopped you from becoming a dancer, did they?

No-one stopped you from taking your paintings down to those lovely craft

fairs, eh? Who chopped off your ponytail and made you take your bongos down to the charity shop?

You did! You made those decisions because you didn't believe in yourself.

I hated the bongos!

Smelly, stupid idiots.

You just wanted me to be something I'm not.

I wanted you to be happy.

Well, maybe I don't know how.

Maybe that wasn't my choice to make.

Anyway, things have changed.

What the hell's that?

-It's Helen Bread.

-You married Peter Bread?

You married Peter Bread behind my back?

Well, not behind your back, cos you were in a tree, waving at the wedding.

-I saw you.

-Well, I didn't...

-How did you see me?

-It was winter, there were no leaves on the tree.

Yeah, well, you know what?

If I had Peter Bread's number,

I would phone him and tell him what a hell of a mess he's getting into.

Well, you're wrong.

And Peter Bread is more of a man than you ever were.

And he makes me feel like a real woman.

Maybe that's what you deserve.

I haven't been much of an ex-husband to you.

-No.

-Sorry for some of the stuff that I've done to you.

I shouldn't have put that dead horse on your car.

-No.

-I'm sorry about

filling your flat full of ravens and scary toys.

It was an outlandish thing to do.

-It was creepy.

-And my sincerest apologies for some of the graffiti that I wrote around town.

It was horrible.

You don't smell and you're not stupid.

-I'm not.

-You haven't got a wooden fanny.

-No!

-It wasn't fair of me to...

-You have a lovely fanny.

-Thanks.

It's a credit to you.

You know, um...

I got to thinking the other day,

some of the fun and games we had when we were young.

I remember when we were 22,

when we first went to the beach for the first time ever.

-The only time.

-Yeah, but it was a hell of a day, right?

It was all right.

I remember just kicking over that kid's sandcastle and you laughed.

It was the most beautiful laugh I've ever seen.

Well, I was laughing out of embarrassment, to be honest.

It was awkward, you kicking a kid's sandcastle over.

-Well, he deserved it.

-He was four.

He pushed in line for some ice cream!

There's rules to this shit!

This is the problem!

-Is it?

-Yes.

You can't have a wife.

Really? I got a wife, goddammit.

And maybe she ain't pretty,

and maybe she ain't too nice and she don't smell too good.

Maybe she don't have a pair of fake Jimmy Choos, but you know what?

She don't want me to be anybody I ain't.

And she's loyal and she's always there.

And her face is just a black shadow and she's made up of blood and guts

and maggots and worms, and her voice is the screams of a million victims,

and she stinks, goddammit.

She stinks like death.

My wife's murder, and I couldn't be without her if I tried.

You can't just walk out.

REALLY? Where have I heard THAT before?

-Where will you go?

-Where will I go?

I'll go solve a crime.

MUSIC: Money For Nothing by Dire Straits