Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes Murder in Successville

Hi, I'm Emma Bunton, a Spice Girl and a radio presenter

and today I'm going to be starring in my very own cop drama.

I really don't know what to expect, so wish me luck.

I'm off to Successville.

Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.

Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law, and,

when they do, I'm here to take down.

I'm DI Sleet and if I was a dog, I'd be an Alsatian called Kevin -

hairy, slick, with sharp teeth and halitosis,

and my bite would be worse than my bark

and that's a fact.

MUSIC: La Donna e Mobile from Rigoletto by Giuseppe Verdi

-What's going on?

-Oh, hello, Chief.

I am simply writing my memoirs.

They are a collection of stories, some of my best cases.

It's an absolute sizzler, a rip-roarer.

Well, I wouldn't wipe my twitching arse with it.

I've got a new rookie for you.

Bunton!

-Hello, darling.

-Hi.

This is DI Sleet.

Sleet, this is Emma Bunton.

She is as pure as the driven snow.

-Yes?

-Yes.

Right, so, try not to melt her, Sleet, yes?

Put that in your fucking book.

Take a seat.

-Hi.

-How are you doing, all right?

-Nice to see you. Yeah, good, thanks.

-You as well, you've a nice manner about you.

-Thank you very much.

Think you're ready for this life?

I'm... I'm ready, yeah.

You think you could be badass?

Yeah, I can be badass.

Let me tell you something, Emma, you know,

I've been out there on those streets for too long, busting wise guys,

cracking heads, so I started writing my memoirs.

Yeah, got some good stories in here.

"I saw this guy, he was deranged,

"he looked at me and his eyes had deranged in them.

"I said, 'You look deranged' and he said, 'I'm not deranged',

'and I pushed him over and he said, "You're the deranged one."

-That's as far as I got with that one.

-I quite like that one.

Do you?

Shall we write a story about us and our first meeting?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-You... You...

-You want me to start?

-Yeah.

-OK. I walked into a room and met a rather large man...

-A tall...

-Tall what?

-A tall man. A rather tall, large man.

-Tall man.

-Handsome.

-Yeah.

"I was impressed."

OK, yes.

-I wasn't that impressed.

-What?

-I like...

-What do you mean you weren't?

I like what you're writing, but it's not that impressive.

No, not about the writing, about me.

-Oh.

-This is like a foreword for my book.

-OK.

-"I was impressed."

-I was impressed.

-"By..."

-By his...glasses.

Oh, thank you! "By his glasses."

I like that, that's a nice thing.

-This is actually one of my favourite chapters already.

-Good.

Well, have you got any questions for me about police work?

OK, do I need a gun?

I... I'm so sorry.

-Oh, for Christ's sake.

-I'm so sorry to break up the little book club,

but there's been a murder, yes, up in North Successville.

Detective James May has been murdered.

If there's one thing I hate, it's cop-killers.

What about you, Bunton?

-Yeah, me too.

-Right, good. Get your arse in gear, then,

or else I'll staple it to the desk and shit on you.

Chop chop.

Don't be jumpy, Bunton.

You did scare me a bit then.

Don't worry. To your feet.

Let's head to North Successville and catch a cop-killer!

Badass Bunton.

Badass Bunton it is.

We headed north.

Waiting at the other end was May's partner, DI Clarkson,

and Chief Of Police Nigella Lawson.

DI Clarkson, I'm DI Sleet from the big city, or the Big Smoke,

as you country dwellers call it.

-This is...

-PC Bunton.

How are you feeling, buddy?

Pretty bad. This is one of the worst things that's happened to me

in my entire life.

-Should we get some information? I'll take some notes.

-Yes, right.

So, this is what they did to my partner and my friend.

We're pretty sure the blows came from a left-handed individual.

Oh, I hate left-handed people!

-I hate them.

-Well, I do now.

Oh, that's horrible. That's gruesome!

They removed his head and his feet.

Hey, imagine if they had taken his knees and his shoulders.

Then they'd have taken his head, shoulders, knees and toes,

-knees and toes.

-I don't... I don't understand. Why would they...?

-It's just a rhyme.

-Is it?

-You must have heard the song.

-No.

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. #

No. What is that? Is it a pop song?

-It's a nursery rhyme.

-Yeah, they play it at kids' parties.

-All right, OK.

-I mean, you wouldn't want to show this to a kid.

No, I wouldn't show that to anyone's child.

That's pretty bad.

Hello, hello!

Stand up, Bunton, stand up.

Hi, hello, hi, I'm PC Bunton.

-PC Bunton.

-Nice to meet you.

Hi. DI Sleet.

DI Sleet. Oh, I am so excited

that we have a couple of blue wings from the Big Smoke helping us out!

Well, I could have solved this one on my own, Chief Lawson.

-I told you that.

-Jeremy, darling, don't be rude to our guests.

They are here to help.

-He's been a bit of a grumpy guts since we've been here.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, he has.

-Jeremy!

-Well, he's upset, I think.

Well, he's actually been rude.

Please, don't judge us all on his grim, frosty welcome.

We are a very hospitable bunch up here in the North,

so if you need anything, please...

-I'll need your number.

-I will give you my number.

I'd love to have it on my phone!

-Sleet, was it?

-Yeah, that's my name, don't wear it out.

I won't. Sleet is my...

it's my favourite kind of storm.

Oh, yeah, there's a storm raging, a raging, hot storm.

Yeah, I feel that hard storm coming my way.

Oh, it's going to come... all over your face.

-OK...

-Yeah, shall we go now?

-Come on.

-Help yourselves to jumpers and...

-Oh, we will.

The file said Detective May was investigating Ian McKellen,

a local fisherman who was selling illegal dolphin meat.

Something smelled fishy,

so we headed to the docks where something smelled fishy.

Listen, as far as I'm concerned,

there is no more noble trade than that of a seaman.

Remember, seamen can be slippery.

THEY STIFLE GIGGLES

Let's get out, let's do it.

HE HUMS

# With a yo-ho tiddly tiddly tum-tum yo-ho tiddly tum... #

I know you're there.

I can feel your presence.

Ahoy there, your sea-ness.

Hello.

Hello! Who are you?

I'm DI Sleet, this is my partner.

PC Bunton.

I'm not looking for any crew.

-Yeah...

-Thank you anyway, I need to get back to my rope.

Yeah, well... Leave the rope, old timer.

-What?

-Leave the rope.

-What?

-I'm not looking to join a crew.

-Who are you?

-What?

-Who are you?

-I'm DI Sleet from...

Hey, I've been through this!

I'm not looking to join a crew.

My leg has gone funny.

-Oh, God.

-We're investigating the murder of James May.

I'm not looking for any crew. I've told you already.

Listen to me, listen! Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Listen!

-Who are you?

-I'm PC Bunton.

I'm not looking for any crew.

Oh, for crying out...

-Stupid...

-I can't deal with this, this guy is doing my brain in.

Listen, are you OK to deal with this?

I'm going to go and have a look around for some evidence.

Oh... OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, OK.

Excuse me? Hello?

-Who's there?

-Hi, I just wonder if I could ask you...

-Who are you?

-I'm...

What are you doing here? Are you here to clean my boat?

No, I am PC Bunton, I'm here...

Johnny! Is that you, Johnny?

-No...

-Johnny!

-How wonderful to see you, Johnny!

-No, it's...

-Your wonderful face, so young!

-No, I'm Emma. Bunton. PC Bunton.

They told me you were dead, Johnny.

-Can I ask...

-They said you drowned out in the sea.

Can I ask you a few questions?

Remember the song we used to sing?

No, I don't.

# Tiddly tum-tum tiddly tee... #

Sing with me, Johnny.

# Tiddly tum tiddly tee...

# Tiddly tum-tum... #

You're a funny little chap, aren't you?

I need to ask you this question. Did you know...

-Did who know? Me?

-Detective...

No. Did you know Detective May...

-Yes, I knew Detective May, he came round here...

-..was going to...

Let me finish. He came round here, asking his questions, Johnny.

Questions. Like you - questions, questions, questions.

Questions, questions, questions.

-Questions.

-Yes.

Shut up, you bitch!

Shut up!

It's all gone, Johnny.

I can't take it any more, Johnny!

HE SOBS

OK. It's all right.

What the hell have you said?

I was looking around, I got myself an ice cream.

-A what?!

-I had a quick ice cream, I was hungry,

we'd been driving for ages.

-What the hell have you said? Why is he like this?

-Who are you?

I'm DI Sleet, you clown. What the hell has happened here?

-Have you met my grandson?

-I keep asking...

-Have you met my grandson?

Your grand... What?!

We have the same eyes, you see.

You do, you have the same eyes. Are you related to him?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-What do you mean? How dare you!

-You're being ridiculous.

-I'm not being ridiculous. He said...

-Are you his grandson?

-You're being ridiculous, you big twat.

-Right, is he being tricky?

-He's being tricky.

-OK, do you know how we deal with tricky people in the force?

-How?

We deal with them like this.

Come here, you!

Now listen to me! Listen to me!

-Help me, Johnny.

-She's got a question.

Did you know that Detective May was trying to stop your lucrative

dolphin-meat business?

Did you? Did you know?

Dolphins? Can't stand dolphins!

Do you know what we call them out on the ocean?

No. What do you call them?

The paedophiles of the sea.

That's how much we hate them!

Love them or hate them,

it's still illegal to slaughter them and sell them as food.

We know that you've been doing that down at Katy Perry's diner.

What have you got to say about that?

Hold my gun. Hold my gun and threaten him with it.

That's it, that's it.

How about I hold you by your nuts?

You like that?

Leave Little... Leave Little Ian alone.

Please.

Now what have you got to say?

All right, I sold the dolphins.

I sold them, I took some round the diner the other day.

Hands up to it.

But I'm not a murderer...

..just a fisherman.

-He's not, is he?

-Where were you...

What do you mean? You're just going to take his word for it?!

-Sorry.

-Put that gun in his face!

Put it in his face!

# With a yo-ho piddly piddly pom-pom... #

Get out of here! Come on, Bunton.

-Remember we're in town now, McKellen. Stay out of our way.

-Yeah.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Storm's coming, Detective.

Better get back to the mainland where it's safe.

So, McKellen was passing on the dolphin meat to Katy Perry.

We headed over to her diner for our evening supper

and some undercover work.

That's better, that's good, OK.

Oh, God, this is...

-This is nice.

-Yeah.

-Listen...

I'm going to have a little look around the kitchen,

-see what I can find out, see if there's any evidence in there.

-OK.

What I need you to do, you keep her here.

-OK.

-Are you all right with that?

-Yes.

-She's coming, she's coming.

-I know, she's right there.

THEY LAUGH

-EMMA AND KATY:

-Hi.

Here's y'all menus.

Hey! Y'all boys from out of town?

I ain't seen you round here before and I know everybody.

I guess it's my business to know.

How very observant!

Yeah, we are... I'll actually make a note of that

in my restaurant critic's notebook.

Y'all are restaurant critics?

-Yes.

-Dang it, that's the cat out of the bag.

Well...

SHE LAUGHS

That's so lovely. Hey, I'd better get you a drink.

On the house, but of course!

I'd love a White Russian.

OK. And for you?

Glass of water, just a glass of water, she's...

-It's her first...

-No, I want something stronger.

-Just have a glass of water.

-OK, wat...

-Water's fine.

-Water, please.

Tap or sparkling?

Oh, sparkling, please.

-I've only got tap.

-Tap's fine.

-Tap's fine.

That's the tap.

Everyone up here is so jolly and lovely, aren't they?

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

Well, you know, we have a lot of clowns in Northern Successville.

My second-second-second cousin, he was a clown.

He never took his make-up off, even when he shot himself.

Laughin' till the end.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-That's a horrible fact.

Yes, it is.

I'm sorry to say, Miss Perry, official restaurant critic business.

I need to have a little look around your kitchen.

-Is that OK?

-Why, of course, stranger.

-You gots to do your job, ain't you?

-Thank you very much.

Hey, Joe! Joe!

Make sure you show this kind gentleman round the kitchen.

Let him see everything he needs to see.

Can I just ask one question?

-Yes.

-Has Joe touched the food?

No.

We don't let him touch anything.

-OK.

-That yoghurt pot, it's his comfort.

-He's got his tongue right up in there.

-Yeah.

It's the only way to stop him from screaming.

-Wow.

-OK, well, I'll see you in a bit.

Stay away from Joe.

OK, what are you going to have, sweetie?

I was thinking, maybe I could get like...

like a Kahlua.

-A Kahlua?

-Yeah, does that...

Well, you're pretty fruity!

Does that... Whoa.

-Does that, um... Lots of ice.

-Yeah.

I'd like lots of ice, please, yes.

-It's pretty cold today, but OK.

-I'd like lots of ice. Sorry...

What?

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-May I say, you have a sexy and delightful kitchen.

Well, thank you.

I'll get that ice.

I've bitten off more than I can chew...

-What's up?

-She is scary as hell.

Well, guess what I found when I was in the kitchen.

This.

Also, I found a nappy that I am assuming is Big Joe's.

It was full.

Oh, disgusting!

Yeah. Found this.

Oh, piss off!

Yeah. It's James May's disgusting, withered, dirty old foot.

Hey!

What...? What?

Is that a foot?

I know one from anywhere.

Hey, I did not... It came in with the deliveries,

it ain't got nothing to do with me.

OK, I believe you. Thanks.

-Here you go.

-Did you order yourself a drink?

-Yes.

-It's a Kahlua in the disguise of a White Russian.

-We actually have to go, I'm afraid.

-Yeah, we should go now.

-What?

No, no, no, please don't tell me that foot put you off our food.

I'm afraid... I don't want to be known as a fussy britches,

but finding human body parts in my food really throws me off.

I'm sorry. That's just me. We'll probably only give you one star.

-One star?

-I'm just going to say this and I'm going to say it once.

We've got a saying up in Northern Successville.

If the weather doesn't take you, them woods will.

OK?

Next morning, I got a call from Nigella Lawson

and whilst I discreetly played with my plonker through a hole in my pocket,

she told us Clarkson had been killed.

You know what, if I'm going to live here,

I'm going to have to get a bigger car

with all these big hats and coats, that's for sure.

OK, tread careful, all right?

Look who it is over there. OK, Bunton, I'll try a cooler walk.

-Don't walk like that, then. You look stupid.

-What?

Oh, thank God you're here!

Hey, girl! Here we go.

-Hey, baby. Hey, darling.

-Oh, no!

He was shot straight through the heart!

Hey, don't you dare cry!

No, I'm sorry. It's just a huge loss to my whole department

and all of Northern Successville.

Well, guess what, honeybee?

Me and Badass Bunton are on this case, so...

You know, I don't want to jump the gun

-and throw my load all over your face...

-I'd like that.

-Oh, would you?

-Yes.

-Oh, not this again!

-What again?

-Stop flirting with each other, it's revolting.

OK, Emma, if you find it so revolting,

maybe you'd like another little task.

-Pull his trousers up, he's putting me off my stride.

-I'm not...

Emma, I'm not doing it, I'm a senior officer.

You pull his trousers up.

-I can't...

-She is a chief officer!

Bunton, for Christ's sake!

Sorry, sorry.

-Oh, it's fine.

-Come, come, come here.

-Bunton, I'm trying to have sex with Nigella.

-I know.

How undignifying is it if I've got to pull up another man's underpants?

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah, oh, I should probably...

You might have thought that we were talking about...

-He wants to have sex with you.

-Oh!

THEY LAUGH

-Really?

-It's like taking my nine-year-old kid out, with you,

you cheeky little scamp.

Listen...

I want to kiss you on the mouth.

-Oh, God.

-I'd like that.

And I want to stroke your hair.

It would make me feel very, very important.

You are important.

Hey, chalk it up.

One more thing in my friggin' life.

I want to have kids with you.

Sleet, no.

See, I'm the kind of G the little homies want to be like.

That's just me. I'm going to buy you flowers every day.

Stop it, you don't need to do that.

Different flours - wholegrain, gluten-free -

so you can make different cakes.

That's what women do. And I'll eat those cakes.

I need to... I need to get back and file the report.

You get back to work, sweet lady.

I want you to draw a picture of me.

-I will.

-You'd better.

And you, you wrap up warm, Detective.

There's a storm coming.

Two cops down and one more suspect to go.

Louis Walsh.

He was being investigated by May for illegally hunting.

Walsh was a former cop that got sacked over corruption

and he'd been living feral in the woods ever since.

Oh, my...

-Quick, Bunton, get in there.

-Oh, my goodness, this is horrible!

Bunton, have a little look around,

see if you can find some clues in this place.

We might have just stumbled upon what looks like an animals' morgue.

Would you want to live here?

No, it's horrible, I really don't like it.

-Oh, God!

-What's wrong with you, Bunton? You are such a snob!

I'm not a snob! I don't like stuffed animals!

All right! Jeez!

Listen, I'm going to have a look around outside,

see if we've got anything out there. You look for some clues in here.

You're going to leave me here, with these?

-What, are you scared?

-Yeah, I don't like it.

You'll be fine, Bunton.

OK, yeah, I know I'll be fine. Go.

-What do you mean, go?! That's very flippant!

-Get out.

Oh, God, that's horrible!

SAVAGE HISSING

Oh, my God, I don't like it! I really don't like it!

Hi. Um...

HISSING

-Oh, my goodness!

-Shush. Shh, shh, shh.

-You don't talk to me.

-Why?

You were meant to keep watch, Benjamin.

Can I not trust you to do anything? Can I not trust you to do anything?

HE SOBS

-It's OK.

-Don't talk to me.

-Why?

-You don't even look at me.

-OK.

You only speak to Benjamin. Do you understand?

Tell him who you are and what you want from me.

I'm with DI Sleet, he's around somewhere.

You're the police.

-Yeah.

-There's only one thing I hate more than a policeman -

that's a policeman's mummy for shitting him out of her fanny.

The police chewed me up and spat me out.

-Can I ask you a few questions?

-Sh.

I can smell a little bit of your wee-wee.

Can you smell it, Benjamin?

Shall we let her stay?

-I think I want to go anyway.

-Benjamin says he likes you.

He says he thinks he's in love with you.

-Oh...

-Sit yourself down. You want...

You want me to introduce you to some of Benjamin's friends?

This little fellow over here,

he's called Ol' Dirty Bastard from the Wu-Tang Clan.

That's Wagner. Fucking idiot.

Do you know who this little fellow is?

-No.

-Do you know who this little fellow is?

-No.

-Do you want to know what I call him?

-Yeah.

I call him my cock garage.

Oh, my God!

I'll leave you to get to know the friends.

Benjamin, are you hungry?

-No, I'm fine...

-I've got some pork scratchings.

Well, I say they're pork scratchings,

they're a little bit more toenaily than that,

but I scrubbed them before I cut them, I fucking promise.

I know you're going to like it.

And I've got you some other stuff in here that I don't think

-you'd really...

-Oh, it smells!

I don't want it!

I'm sorry, I know that's not very...

hospitable, I just...

Eat your food! I made food for you!

I made the food for you!

-No, thank you so much...

-She won't eat the food, Benjamin!

Benjamin is getting a little bit sleepy.

-Good. Is he going to go to sleep now?

-I think he is.

I tell you what, it works really well as hair gel, as well,

for Benjamin.

Don't get much company up here in the woods.

No, you're on your own here, are you? Yeah, OK.

Can I ask you a few questions, do you think?

-You've got something on your mind.

-Why do you live up here on your own?

I don't have a choice.

Why?

They took away my hunting licence.

It's all I had in the world! All I had was my hunting licence

-and they took it away from me!

-Who took it away from you?

They got what's coming to them. I tell you that.

DOOR OPENS

Jesus creeper, that is cold out there, I've got to say.

Auntie Claire! What have you done to my Auntie Claire?

I don't know, it jumped out on me, I just shot it.

LOUIS WAILS

You've done a bad thing, cop.

You've done a bad thing and you're not welcome for tea and cake.

I don't want tea and cake, you fucking weirdo.

-You can't have any anyway.

-What is this? You're walking around town

with this thing, a deer dressed in women's clothing?

A man needs some affection out here in the woods.

I'm going to take her to hospital.

They'll fix her up and she'll be right as rain

and we'll be rutting this time tomorrow.

Fucking door!

-Oh, my God!

-What the hell was his story?

-Oh, my God!

He is intense, huh?

I asked him a few questions, he gave me nothing.

-What do you mean? You're a cop!

-He's absolutely crazy.

Do you want the bad news?

The storm's coming in.

We're going to have to bolt down here for the night.

Oh, piss off!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Oh, Bunton...

You are silly!

You've been sweet, you've looked after me, thank you.

-It's my job, you know, Bunton.

-Thank you very much.

Well, you've also thawed this old ice warrior.

I have a bit, haven't I?

-Life, eh, Bunton?

-I know.

-I know.

-Sometimes it's just nice sitting by a fire.

-It is.

-Do you think that...?

BANG AND CLATTER

Jesus! What the hell was that?

That's not good, Bunton. That ain't good at all.

Wait here, I'm going to go and check outside.

Oh, my God! Don't leave me in here.

-I don't want to be in here on my own.

-I'll leave you the gun.

-OK?

-OK.

-Right.

Don't be long.

Hey!

Who's out here?

What do you want from us?

Who bangs upon my door?

Begone!

Head to the woods!

We have no need for you here.

GUNSHOT

Oh, my God!

HE GASPS

Sleet?

-Bunton, Bunton!

-Oh, my God!

-Bunton...

-Oh, my God!

-Bunton, get over here.

Get away from the door, Bunton.

-My God!

-Get away from the door.

Oh, God, Bunton.

What... Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Bunton...

Oh, my God! What do I...

HE COUGHS

Oh, my God! What do I do, what do I do?

-Oh, no!

-They got me, Bunton.

They got me.

Oh, my God.

I guess this is it, huh?

No, no, no, it can't be!

Comes to all of us, Bunton.

No, you can't die! What about the next series?

Well, I guess it's just going to have to be somebody else

who takes the reins, Bunton.

-What the hell is going on there?

-What's going on in there?

They're out there, they've come for us, Bunton.

-Oh, my God.

-You need to take them out.

Whoever you think killed the cops in this town and then killed me,

you've got to take them out, Bunton.

Oh, my God!

Go, Bunton. Go, girl.

You can do this.

Is everything all right, Johnny? We came as quick as we could.

We heard a gunshot.

-Emma...

-Oh, my God!

-Emma, listen,

it's been a hell of a ride.

Finish my book for me, yeah?

Take...

the shot...

..and shout the killer's name.

Katy!

SIREN WAILS

Look after my boy Joe.

What the fuck is tha-a-a-a-at?

Who did this?

-Me!

-Bunton!

Come here! Explain yourself.

Why Perry?

Because I went to her... I went to the diner and she had

the foot there and her weird son, I thought was helping,

and then she said to be careful in the wood.

Right. That is completely confused reasoning.

It wasn't Perry!

It wasn't her!

It was him! It was McKellen!

He's the killer. Take him away, boys.

-I'm innocent!

-Take him away.

-I'm not looking for any crew.

-You evil old bastard!

Of course it was McKellen.

You were looking for a left-handed killer, yes?

McKellen was left-handed, he had a hook.

Perry was right-handed.

McKellen was selling dolphin meat because his business was struggling.

Didn't you see the for sale signs down at the docks?

He told you that he'd made a delivery to the diner.

I took some round the diner the other day.

That's when he planted that foot.

Bunton, Bunton, the air up here has made you stupid.

-Shit!

-What have you got to say for yourself?

-Oh, shit.

Tell me something!

I...

messed up. Shit!

I've come all the way up here and it's cold

and the cold makes me weepy.

-Oh, shut up!

-No, you shut up!

And as for you, you great...

Where is he? Where's Sleet?

You need to come and see.

MUSIC: Hurt performed by Johnny Cash

# What have I become

# My sweetest friend

# Everyone I know

# Goes away In the end

# And you could have it all

# My empire of dirt

# I will let you down

# I will make you hurt. #

# I wear this crown of thorns

# Upon my liar's chair

# Full of broken thoughts... #