Incognito Murder in Successville

Hi, I'm George Shelley.

You may know me from Union J or the jungle and today I'm going to be

starring in my own cop drama.

I have no idea what's going to happen to me, so wish me luck.

I'm off to Successville.

'Welcome to Successville,

'a town full of celebrities.

'Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law

'and when they do, I'm here to take them down.

'I'm DI Sleet.

'I've got crime in my DNA.

'I've got justice in my blood

'and I've got blood in my stools.

'I guess I'd better start eating more salad.

'What am I, a rabbit?'

Yeah, this is DI Sleet.

What? Yeah!

Uh? Well, let me do the calculations on this.

-Right, Sleet, I've got your new rookie.

-Wait there, sir. Sir, wait.

-Georgie...

Yeah, I had sex that year.

-Right.

-Or around then.

You're kidding me.

Sleet.

And you're sure it's mine?

Thank you very much. Chief.

-Hello.

-I'm a father.

Oh, God, the poor child.

Sorry. Sorry. How unprofessional of me.

-That's OK.

-What's your name?

-George.

-George?

-Shelley.

-George Shelley.

You're not letting go!

-Have a seat. Have a seat, boy.

-Thank you.

-Shelley, huh?

-Yeah.

-That's interesting.

Wow. I'm a dad, huh?

-Just popped out today?

-No, no, he's nine years old.

-Oh, really?

-That's the trouble.

I have no legacy left.

What are kids into these days?

Twitter. Instagram.

-What are they?

-On your phone. They're like apps.

-What's an app?

-An application.

-Can you make money from them?

-Yeah, lots of money.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-What apps make money?

Think about what you like. Do you like snooker?

I like snooker. But you know what I like more than snooker? Curry.

-Curry?

-I like at the end of the day

to go for a curry and just chillblade.

-Do you know what I hate?

-What?

I hate going for a curry on my own.

OK. So, like a dating app.

-What do you mean?

-Well, an app where

people go and they subscribe to it and then you get to see

other people that don't like going to get curries on their own.

And then two people who don't like getting curries by themselves can meet up and go for a curry together.

-Yeah?

-That's brilliant.

-Do you like it?

-Yes, George Shelley!

-OK.

-I love it!

-You like it.

What shall we call it? What's a good name for a dating app?

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.

-No.

-Tinder.

-Tinder!

-Tinder. That's been done.

-Yeah, but you know what my favourite curry is?

-What?

-Vindaloo.

-Vindr.

-Vindr!

Yes, that's amazing!

Yes, George Shelley. You're a clever little lad, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Do you know something? Now you're my partner, we're gonna be eating a lot of curry.

Right, stop pissing about, you two.

There's been a murder, a really bad one.

Chief, I'm just about to launch a massive app.

I don't care. There's a kid.

He's dead. Yes?

Hacker, name of Ed Sheeran.

Chief, I'm straight on it.

-Good. Good.

-I'm on it, too.

-Yeah? What are you waiting for, then?

The binmen? Move, move, move!

So, kid. Are you ready to jump on the great horse of justice

and ride into a murder case?

-Are you ready?

-Yeah, let's do it.

Let us go solve a crime.

Hey, you know what these are called?

These stupid flaps?

Beef curtains.

Well, well, well, look what we got here.

I found our body.

Oh.

Someone's got to him. He is brown bread.

Do you know what brown bread is?

-Brown bread?

-Yeah.

-It's better for you than white bread.

No, brown bread is police-protocol language for dead.

Oh! I didn't know that.

SHOUTING IN GERMAN

Oh, for crying out loud.

-Oh, guten morgen.

-Hello!

Guten morgen, Sleet.

-Hey, Merkel.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Hey, you all right?

-OK, you have me.

-You have me.

-Oh, oh, hello!

-You got me?

-You got it?

Merkel, come on.

-Oh! You good?

-Can I have a go?

Hey, George, we're not here for play.

-George! George!

-Sorry, sir.

-Get off the machine.

-I can't. It's doing it itself.

George Shelley, get off that machine at once! Get off that... Stop being silly.

Off, off, off. Oh, he's so cool!

-Sorry, boss.

-Both of you.

-Double the likes.

-It was lovely to meet you. I'm a hugger.

-Sorry, sir.

-What are you doing?

-What are you DOING?

-Sorry.

-Sleet, hey,

how it is up there in the Highlands?

Is it snowing up where you are?

-Because he is so tall!

-Yeah, we get it.

-Because I'm tall.

-Wait, can you see us from down here?

-Yeah.

-Hello!

-Yeah, I can see...

-What's the weather like?

Is there an election? What is happening up there?

-What is happening?

-You know what's happening? I'm getting annoyed.

Hey, you coming to my bowling party?

I have made a tournament mit T-shirts und nicknames.

-I'm not coming to your bowling party.

-Oh, OK.

-I won't be there.

-Oh, ja, ja.

My fingers are too big. I can't get them in the holes.

-That's not what I've heard!

-Very funny.

-Because he's big like a bear!

-Yeah, you know what I have?

I have a size 12 shoe.

-Oh, ja, I know.

-And I will bend you over, Merkel,

-in front of all of your team...

-Yes, please!

Thank you. I hope so, all my dreams come true in one day.

Then I will kick you in the arse.

Oh, even better!

-You've got big feet, sir.

-You've done it before.

-Like a clown.

-Oh, ja, like a giant clown.

Like a clown, Shelley?

-You know how clowns have the big feet and...

-Ja, ja!

-It's like that.

-Shut up!

-Sorry.

-Both of you. You absolute pair of wallies.

You stupid idiots.

Have you had your fun?

This boy has been murdered!

Murdered! And we are standing above his corpse laughing.

At the size of my feet.

-How do you feel?

-Sorry!

-It's really funny.

-How dare you?

Anyway, look, he has been murdered.

We should, you know, do that.

He was murdered at 8pm.

Ja? Und he was strangled mit this.

Give me this.

A robot snake.

-It's a cable.

-What?

-It's an ethernet cable.

-Ja, ja.

-Ethernet.

-Take it.

-OK.

-Anything else for us, Merkel?

He liked to video himself, OK.

I hope he's not naked in this.

My stomach can't take any more.

-Here we go. Look. This is the last thing we found.

-He's got some sort of weird twitch.

-He's very alive.

-In this he is not dead, correct.

-Yeah.

-Probably cos...

Worst bit. Look, he's been killed.

As you can see, the attacker was wearing ze gloves.

So, we found some things on Ed Sheeran's hard drive.

This is the logo for the hacking organisation Incognito.

-OK.

-Ed Sheeran was ein senior member.

Well, we better hunt down this Ian Cognito.

Mm-hm.

Nein. That's just the name of the organisation.

-Incognito.

-I thought you said Ian Cognito.

No. He was a member of Incognito.

-Well, who's Ian?

-There's no-one called Ian.

There is no-one called... Forget Ian.

-Nein.

-It's the accent.

-Ah, ja.

-Yes, it's your stupid accent.

I can't do anything about it.

It's just my voice!

Wait there. Wait there a hot minute, you're forgetting one thing.

-What is that?

-This.

-What is that?

-It's upside down, sir.

-What?

-It's upside down.

Well, you work it out, you're the brainbox by all accounts.

Yes, it's D734.

Or... Oh, George, you're so clever.

-No, that's not...

-What does that say?

-Oh, it says help!

-Oh, George, you're so clever.

-Oh, does it, George?!

-I thought it was upside down!

-But, look, it's...

-It is also numbers.

Well, he was probably asking for help.

-I think this is a big clue.

-Do you?

-Yes. I think this is a clue.

-If only we got there sooner, we could have stopped the killer.

-Ja.

Then he would not be dead.

That's actually quite funny.

If we got here sooner, he would not be dead.

All right. You said it once, that's enough.

Well, I'm going to leave you to it then.

-You have everything...

-No, we're off. Don't leave us with a dead body. It's creeping me out.

-So, bowling at seven.

-I won't be there. I can already tell you that.

OK, just let me know if you're going to turn up like last time.

-No, I won't.

-No, because I have to order your big shoes.

And if you want burgers, I'm going to have to order more.

Lovely to meet you. Twitter me, Whatsapp me, everything.

Oh, ja, ja, on Twitter.

-@AngelaMerkel.

-And Snapchat.

-Come on, then. Let's get to it.

-Yes.

-Let's do it. Let's go.

-I'm following you, yeah?

-Yeah, you're following me.

Sheeran had been hacking some big cheeses.

Not actual cheeses, but big businesses.

Including Successful Technology Institute.

We headed over to meet its CEO.

Shia LeBeouf, please.

Listen to me. Listen good.

This guy could have blood on his hands.

He leads up a big techno company.

-Yeah.

-Which means what?

He'll have computer cables.

-And?

-The ethernet cable that he strangled the guy with.

-And?

-And...

It's a perfect place for us to mention Vindr.

-OK?

-Oh, yeah. That's actually a really good idea.

Didn't think of that. How are we going to sell it to him?

Well, I think we need a pitch.

A confident, cool pitch.

Yeah. Cool, got it.

-Be very confident.

-Cool.

Don't lean. Don't lean.

Don't do that. You look stupid.

You look like a big wally brain.

Welcome to STI.

-Hello.

-Trust you're both well?

-I'm George.

-I'm DI Sleet from Successville, Nick.

I hope both of you are functioning on what we in the industry call

-full optimisation.

-Yeah.

-Wow, that's a computer joke.

-OK, I should let you know before we begin the interface...

-Hey! What's...?

-Why have you got gloves on?

-Yeah, these are patented STI gloves.

Did you know that there are over 76 different times of germ on a

touch-phone screen?

Did you know that worms and caterpillars aren't related?

I... I didn't know that.

-Have you got any interesting facts?

-No. I've got some questions for you.

-Wonderful.

-I need you to answer them truthfully.

-Of course.

-OK. What do you know about Ed Sheeran?

He used to work here.

Um... We had to let him go.

I mean, if you think we had anything to do with this...

-I never said that.

-No.

I was asking the questions. You seem a bit guilty. You're very nervous.

You need to why what I was doing.

I have it all itemised here on my digitised device.

I can tell you minute by minute.

So, at around 7.35,

I was down at the gym doing a couple of reps with my personal trainer.

That lasted 45 minutes and I burned through 135Kcals.

After that, I was interfacing with some investors and I had a brief

sojourn to a self-help organisation, of which I am a member.

After that I had to go and meet the ambassador,

if you're getting all of this down,

who had to arrange the GDP which we wanted to talk about for around

6.5 million to 4.5 million in his country of origin.

And after that I had an absolutely kick-ass Minecraft session.

Please don't blink in my presence.

Every blink unlocks six different types of eyelash.

Hey, Shia, you like curry?

-Excuse me?

-Do you like curry?

I normally stick to things that come in a pill shape.

-Do you know something? I love curry. It's my favourite thing.

-Yeah.

We have a really exciting idea for an app.

-Yeah.

-It's amazing.

-That one.

It's an application for your phone.

-You download it off the App Store.

-Vindr.

-And it's called Vindr.

Vindr. So... Stand up.

Ever been in a town where you didn't know anyone

and you wanted to go for a bit of curry?

-I... I...

-Ever wanted to find somebody new in your life

and go, "Hey, let's get a curry!"

This is Vindr!

You are on your phone and there's nothing to do,

so you go on the App Store and comes Vindaloo.

Only 99p on the App Store.

-Download now!

-It's the best app ever for making friends in different

-places.

-Yeah.

-Are you looking at cloud integrating this service,

or is this something you will be having on a need-to-know,

bit-by-bit basis?

-Make it cool.

-What sort of demographic might you be pitching towards?

The 16-25?

The 25-35?

All of them. All of them.

Every one of them.

-Every age.

-Old people like curry.

-It's salty.

-It's nice and nice and spicy.

OK. Do you have a tag line for

the marketing roll-out that you're looking for?

If you want spicy food and to meet new people...

-Yeah, OK.

-And then, like, in a new town that you haven't been to before...

Just think of someone with a phone like...

Why don't you just go on Vindr and open the app and then go and like

-register for it?

-It's less of a slogan than a novella, isn't it?

On a scale of one to ten...

-Eight!

-You don't know what he's asking yet. He's just...

-Seven.

I was going to ask how likely it is that the business will fail within its first quarter.

-Oh, no.

-Six.

-Six?

Five. One. Is it one?

-Is the answer one?

-OK.

I'm sorry, it is not a product that will work for us in any way.

-Is that a no?

-It's a categorical no.

Then you, sir, have made an enemy of me.

You are not any more involved in my business

and you are simply a suspect in this murder.

Thank you for your time, you stupid idiot.

You're weird.

Case-wise and investment-wise, Leboeuf had given us nothing.

Next up, Sarah Millican's Death Corp.

Sheeran had been snooping in their files.

A little birdie had told me they made super cool

and dangerous secret weapons.

Thank you, my winged friend.

Oh, well, sorry I didn't knock.

I just let myself in.

Gentlemen, welcome to Death Corp.

Listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

-I wish you wouldn't.

-Tell me everything about the mega robot.

-My what?

-The mega robot you're building here.

-The mega robot?

-You know what he's talking about.

I promise you, I'll tell you this. There's no mega robot.

It doesn't exist.

-Millie.

-No, honestly!

Because a mega robot would be a stupid idea, wouldn't it?

Now. If you don't mind, this is getting absurd,

so what I'm going to do is I'm going to address myself to your superior

officer here, all right?

He's the one wearing the uniform.

Yeah, that's a good joke.

In this business, the police business,

the better you are, the less you have to wear a uniform.

Only buttheads and silly weasels have to wear uniforms.

And kids on their first day.

If you've got some serious business, I'd love to hear it.

We do have some questions to ask you, actually.

I'd love to hear it from you. Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yeah, I'll get a coffee, if that's all right?

-Yeah, coffee please.

-Go and play around.

-Play around?!

-Find some evidence.

-Play around?!

-I'll have a walk around.

-He's right, you go and play.

Right, what do you know about the killing of Ed Sheeran?

I heard about Ed Sheeran.

It's very sad...

What's this? A death switch?

-That'll be the lights.

-Stop pressing things and just fiddling.

-You want to switch them back on.

-Yep, there we are.

-Right, thank you.

That's OK, no worries. At 8pm, where were you on Tuesday night?

That's classified information.

If I told you that, pet, I'd have to kill yous.

So, you're not telling me anything about the mainframe,

you're not telling me where you were...

-What's this? Some kind of killing den?

-It's a disabled lift.

WHIRRING

I kicked it, it switched off.

-Are you finished?

-Yes, I'm just having a look around, OK.

Can you just do it quietly?

I need to know what the group Incognito means to you.

-Anything.

-Oh, we've heard of them. They don't cause us much trouble.

-No?

-Like a fly that we would tread on.

Oh, so you're bigger than them, more powerful.

I'm not saying that we've done nothing to them,

they don't really bother us that much.

Hey, who's this guy?

That's Flo. Leave him alone.

He doesn't move.

He's got... He doesn't move at all.

Don't move him. He's meant to stay there.

But look at him. What is he? Is he a guard?

-Or a statue?

-Leave him.

Hi-ya!

I could break his face.

Don't break his face, he's a real man.

Yeah, look, motorboating his big titties.

Do you even realise how many ways he could kill you?

Yeah? Could he kill me now?

Look at that. Look.

-Got his dick.

-He is quite funny, come on.

-Got it...

-No, you're not funny.

-OK, look, George, George.

Look at this. What does it look like I'm doing?

He won't respond. Flo, you're doing very well.

Under very trying circumstances.

-What have we got here?

-They're just blinds.

-Don't do that.

-Are they inside?!

Yeah, they're inside the two panes of glass.

Whoa, that's very cool.

I know, it's impressive, isn't it?

Hey, what if...?

GUNSHOTS

Bulletproof, huh? Bulletproof.

That's cool.

Do you feel proud of yourself now?

Do you feel more like a man?

Getting to pull your trigger.

Yeah, I did, actually. Makes me think clearer.

Made me feel sick.

Did it? Hey, what's that?

Some kind of secret file?

No, it's Kate from accounts' leaving card.

-Did you want to sign it?

-I don't know her.

She's a very nice lady.

And here are the minutes from your meeting at 20:00 hours yesterday.

Why don't you pop off, gentlemen?

Before you feel the need to blow your load again.

Come on, let's go, George.

Don't get shot on your way out.

Do you want to hear some good news?

-Yeah.

-Something cool.

-What?

That might blow your little mind?

-Yes.

-I had my friend Barnaby Krum come up with...

A early prototype of Vindr.

What?!

Don't touch. Look with your...

-Look with your eyes, not your hands.

-That's amazing.

I've typed in my first...

my first person. Whitesnake.

That's Whitesnake here, look...

-Whitesnake.

-Yeah. I mean, it's a match.

I don't know what to say to him.

-Shall I say...?

-Cool.

-I know.

Look. What do you like, plain or pilau rice?

That's what I've put.

-I just did it. I just did it.

-Just go for it.

-Oh, man. This is so fun.

-PHONE CHIMES

Oh, he's... Oh, you'll never guess what he said.

What did he say?

"All of the above and more."

-PHONE CHIMES

-Oh! Oh, he's written back.

What does he say?

"It's going to be SPICE to meet you."

This guy is cool, right?

He seems like he's going to be so much fun.

-He's got really good banter!

-Yeah.

-What shall we say? Think of something.

-Um...

"Can you find me OK or do you need my madras?"

What about that one? Is that OK?

I'll put that. I'm just putting it...

Frig it. Frig it off.

-Madras!

-He's still not said anything.

It looks like he's walking towards us.

Do you know, this is one of the most exciting things in my life.

My app works and I'm meeting somebody

who seems like they're going to be so cool.

Let's hope he doesn't bhaji you off.

-What did you say?!

-I hope he doesn't bhaji you off!

"Hey, you're not bhajiing me off, are you?"

-KNOCK AT WINDOW

-Evening all!

-Evening.

This is Sid Lowecroft. He's the office idiot.

-No-one likes him.

-The office idiot.

-Yeah.

-What do you want?

You just told me to come down, didn't you?

No, I was talking to... Talking to someone on...Vindr.

Is this your Vindr date?

-It better not be.

-Yeah, I'm on Vindr, yeah.

Doing my first match. Nice one.

You're Whitesnake 16?

Yeah. Sid. I'm...

Who's he, by the way? Who are you?

-George.

-George. My partner. New partner.

He's not coming, is he?

Yeah, he is coming.

He's my new partner.

-I can wait in the car.

-I thought the whole point

was it's supposed to be for two people.

No. It could be... It's my app. I designed it.

It can be for, like, 100 people.

Well, if it's more than two people, it's a curry club, innit?

Sid, what do you know about curries and clubs and dates?

-Just leave it at...

-You designed what?

-Sorry, hang on. You designed it?

-This is my app. I designed it.

-Everything. The protocol...

-Doesn't work very well. Bit glitchy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sid, it's not good enough for you(!)

Unbelie... I don't want you...

Delete the app right now from your phone.

I'm considering coming off my own app

because you're the other person on it.

That's genuinely, like...

It's actually... You've ruined Vindr,

cos you're on it. Who even told you about it?

-I don't want him to come.

-So are we going for a curry or not?

Yes. Where do you want to go? Azad's?

-Azad's.

-Azad's, we'll go there.

-Not with him. Sorry, but...

Yeah, you can come.

-How long have you known him?

-Well, like...

Sorry, I'm talking to you, mate.

How long have you known him?

Sid, you know, actually,

this is the most investigating I've ever seen you do.

And you've been in the police for 15 years.

I've never seen you ask any of these questions.

-Not my fault, mate.

-You know what?

Maybe if you paid a little more attention to bloody solving crimes

than eating curry, this place would be...

-Just do the window up.

-Seriously.

Come on. I've just left Big Debbie in the pub.

Go back and meet her. You deserve each other.

-Who's she?!

-Oh, just some loser he's seeing.

'Stupid Sid had put me off curry.

'Next up, our final suspect, silly banker Jeremy Kyle.

'He'd been hacked by Sheeran - but had he killed him?'

-Let's do this.

-Let's do it.

Well, kid. This is it.

We're going to see Jeremy Kyle.

-Yes.

-But this is a shark tank, kid.

So we need to go in deep undercover.

I'm going to be international Texan oil billionaire,

Brock Wonderpenis, and you are going to be my business advisor.

Jean-Paul Smith.

Jean-Paul Smith.

You're Swiss - can you do a Swiss accent?

"John-Paul Smith."

"Jeen-Paul Smuth."

"Jan Paul Smiff."

"John...!"

"J...!"

"John Paul Schmith."

"Joh..."

Shh.

Take a second, boy.

-What languages can you do? What accents?

-Any.

-No, you can't!

You just tried Swiss for half an hour.

I can be an Australian John Paul.

-Is Australian going to make you happy?

-Australian can...

-OK.

-I'll be Australian.

-You're my Australian business...

-Your Australian business partner...

-Who is weirdly called John Paul.

-And I'm here to solve a crime, sir.

-Don't worry about the crime thing.

-I really want to pitch Vindr and get some money for Vindr.

-OK.

-Ready?

-I'm ready.

-Let's do this.

Let's do this. Let's go.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Wow!

what a cool office.

I'm Brock Wonderpenis, Texan oil billionaire.

Hi. Jeremy Kyle. Aroused to meet you.

This is my sidekick-friend-partner.

Yeah, cool.

Did you spit on my floor?

Yeah. Do you want me to get John Paul to clear it up for you?

No. I like it. It shows balls to spit on a man's floor.

Oi, what did you say his... Oi, don't YOU do it.

I said he could do it, not you.

-What's his name again?

-Introduce yourself.

-John Paul Smith.

Right, button it, unless I talk to you.

He's not my partner in a sensual way.

-We're not boyfriends.

-Yeah, we're just business partners.

Here to do some business.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah? Nice to meet you.

I'm glad you've sat yourselves down without even being asked.

Yeah, that's how I roll.

-Stand up again.

-Really?

Yeah, stand up again.

-Do we have to?

-Yeah. I want you to stand now.

-OK.

-Right, sit your butts down, gents. Thank you.

Ahh! Wow, that's a nice chair.

Yeah, it is. They're wonderful chairs.

-You're big kahunas, are you?

-Oh, yeah. We're the biggest kahunas.

I've never heard of you. How come's that, then?

You've got a very dusty desk.

Shut your mouth, you. When people come in here,

you know what I get them to do?

I get them to make business noise.

-That's what I like. Business noise.

-I like a business noise.

-Ready to make some business noise?

-Like fighting talk.

Not like fighting talk. Like a business noise.

-Like a ring noise?

-Compadre.

Make a business noise for me.

-Nngh!

-Louder.

-NNGH!

-Come on, louder!

-Argh!

-You, Brock Wonderpenis, Your turn.

-RARGH!

-Oh, this is sexy!

Oh, I love it!

WHOO!

Well, we're sexy guys.

Yeah, you're sexy guys.

-I get myself all wound up.

-Yeah.

Better take something to calm down.

Oh, that will do it. That'll do it.

I love you, you powdery bitch.

-You absolutely love that shit, don't you?

-Whoo!

-Yeah.

You're snorting that up like it's a...

-Like it's going out of fashion, aren't you?

-Argh!

HE CHUCKLES

I was just thinking,

I was just thinking about a time that me and my

-compadre here...

-Mm.

-Yeah, we got so high, we were crazy off our heads

-with, with...

-Drugs.

-..drugs, and... I went scuba diving.

-And I swam to the bottom of the sea...

-Uh-huh.

..and I head-butted a shark in the face.

And broke its... And broke its nose.

-And I ripped its fin off.

-Oh, yeah? You know what?

That sounds like the time I snorted a kilo of weedkiller

and had anal intercourse with a weather girl.

Can't remember which one. Could have been any of them.

-HE YAWNS

-Boring, boring.

What a boring story. Have you finished with it yet?

Yeah, I have finished.

-Tell me something you've done, then, that's big.

-OK.

Yeah, I'll tell you. (I had sex with China.)

I had sex with China. With China?

-A person called China, or the whole country?

-Whole country, all at once.

You know what? I was out all last night.

You know where I was? No bloody idea. Haven't a clue. Yeah?

That's unbeatable!

I like you two, though. Yeah?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good eggs with us today.

Some real party animals. I like these guys.

These are my type of guys. Hit me! What's your proposal, yeah?

But I warn you, I'm not interested in playing with small fry.

Well, it's the biggest idea you're going to hear

this side of Christmas.

Tell me about it, then. Come on.

-Well, hey...

-Do you like curry?

Yeah, I like curry. Come on.

It's an app.

It's an app called Vindr.

I think it's a brilliant idea.

-We only need... How much? How much?

-Sh, sh, sh!

Shut up. Shut up. Button it, you. And you, shut up.

-Do you like curry?

-Shut up.

I like it.

I REALLY like it.

Hell, yeah! Let's steal it!

Whoa, no, no...

Come on! We're going to steal it, aren't we?!

Er... No. Just...

I've got all the way up on the table, OK?

So it'd better be good. Come on.

The guy who invented it is a really sweet guy, you know,

and life's been a bit hard on him recently.

We don't want to get on the wrong side of him.

Yeah, that's what I was...

I don't care about that. We'll change the name and steal it.

-His lawyer won't be able to touch us.

-He will. He's his lawyer.

He is the lawyer of these guys.

Let's get serious.

Come on. Some big cash injections for you and your curry app.

How about we say £3 million?

-Oh, deal. Deal! Deal! Shake on it now.

-No, no, no, no...

Shake on it now.

What about £3,500,000?

Fine. £3,500,000.

Exactly. Thank you.

But say it with me. Say it with me, OK?

£3.5 million.

ALL: £3.5 million.

Now, we're bloody talking! Now we're bloody talking!

Let me just log in to my computer and get the contracts all drawn up.

Hang on. Oh, no. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Oh, no. I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I can't remember my God-blasted password.

Will this affect the deal, if you can't?

Yeah, it will affect the deal if I can't find my password,

cos I can't put the contracts through, can I?

Susan! What's my password?

-D734.

-Fine.

Right, fine. There. That's done.

Contracts will be in your inboxes in un secunda -

deal's as good as done.

Well, thank you very much, Mr Kyle.

-Ow!

-Pleasure doing business with you.

Pleasure doing business with you, too.

-Hey, gents. Look at this.

-Ooh!

-Yeah?

Can I take some of that home with me,

-just a little...?

-Do you know what, Brock Wonderpenis?

Help yourselves. You stay here. Enjoy yourselves.

Cos I've got an urgent doctor's appointment,

something about my heart. Probably nothing.

Ta-ta, you shitters!

'To catch a killer, you have to be clever, handsome and punctual.

'I organised a fake incognito press conference,

'using Sid Lowecroft as bait.

'Hopefully the murderer would strike again

'before their secrets were revealed.'

-ON RADIO:

-The target is in position.

The target is in position.

Target? I'm not a target, am I?

Yeah, Sid, shut up. Shut up, you'll give us away.

You will give us away. Right, you ready for this?

I've got it.

Cue Sid, I repeat, cue Sid.

Good evening, evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are...

Kyle's going for something. LaBeouf is going for something.

Millican is going for something.

Take the shot, kid. Take the shot!

GUNSHOT

What the...?

Well done. Right, quick. Follow me.

We need to get down there asap.

Everybody freeze.

That's an official police killing.

-I'm DI Sleet.

-Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

What is that?

That's Sarah Millican, sir.

She just took a bullet from George Shelley.

-Did you, George?

-Yes.

-Care to explain why?

-There's quite a few reasons.

First reason is, she wouldn't tell me where she was

at eight o'clock on the night of the murder.

And then I realised when we came out of the lift,

on the walls it said D734,

which was written on the post-it note in Ed Sheeran's desk,

and I think he hacked into their mainframe,

and then I asked her what they did at Death Corp -

as if Death Corp isn't an obvious name itself to kill someone,

and then, when I told her, she said, "If I tell you,

"I'm going to have to kill you." So, I think he hacked in,

-she had to kill him.

-Wow!

That's brilliant. That's absolutely brilliant.

I'm very, very impressed on how unbelievably stupid you are!

You child!

You pathetic excuse for a human being.

The person you should have shot was Jeremy Kyle.

-Yeah?

-Hey, what are you doing?

Jeremy, will you still invest in Vindr?

Do one! Get your hands off me.

-Damn it!

-You were absolutely right, George.

Yes, the note did say D734, not "help".

Yes? But D734 was the password to Kyle's computer.

What's my password?

D734.

And Jeremy Kyle didn't have an alibi.

I was out all last night.

You know where I was? No bloody idea. Haven't a clue.

Millican did have an alibi. Yeah?

Here are the minutes from your meeting at 20:00 hours yesterday.

God Almighty!

I've come across things growing on petri dishes with more intelligence

than you, you twat!

What have you got to say for yourself!

Can I at least be coffee boy?

No, you can't be,

because the police department hasn't got the resources

to continue wiping your arse for you.

We've already got one big baby.

Go home, the pair of you.

Oh, well, kid. What am I gonna say?

Accidents happen.

You got it wrong.

-Move on with it.

-What about Vindr?

Vindr's dead in the water.

We don't have any money now,

but we have a friendship that is beginning to blossom.

Hey, fancy a Ruby Murray?

-Let's do it.

-I hope they take bullets instead of cheques.

Hey, Lowecroft. Pick up your shit. You're coming with us.

MUSIC: I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston