Browse content similar to Mary Christmas. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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RADIO: 'And right now, to get us all in a party mood, here's Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody! | 0:00:14 | 0:00:19 | |
'# Are you hanging up the stocking on your... | 0:00:19 | 0:00:23 | |
-'#..time that every Santa...#' -Shut up! Shut up! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Shut up! | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
-Usual Christmas mood, is it? -Call me a traditionalist. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
Dad, do you think Mrs Henty would like bath salts or Cornish fudge? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Who's Mrs Henty? | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
I'm saying that like I care. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Mrs Henty - she's one of the clients I look after. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
Some are giving me presents, so I'm going to give them presents. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
-Isn't that going to cost you? -No. I'm just re-wrapping what they've given me. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
I wouldn't want this junk. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Oh, sometimes you make me so proud. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
What's this? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
We have caught a rare sight of Ben Harper being affectionate with one of his offspring. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:06 | |
-What are you doing? -I'm recording a Christmas video message for Nick. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
-Who? -Nick. Your son. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Oh, Nick, Nick, yup. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
-Hi, Nick! -Come on, Dad. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
-At least wish him Merry Christmas. -I don't want to be insincere. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
There must be something nice you can say. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
Well, I'll say this for him, when he said he was going to leave, he actually left, unlike you two. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:29 | |
Oh, do you know what, Dad? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Janey is now giving Dad a physical sign of what he can do to himself. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:37 | |
Oh, darling, you shouldn't have! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
I haven't. They're not for you. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
The gallery is sponsoring a whole series of Christmas parties for the local playgroups. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:57 | |
And guess who's had to wrap every single present? | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
One of the elves? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
Yes. The same elf that's going to snap you like a twig if you don't bring her a glass of wine. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:07 | |
OK, well I've got a nice bottle of red in the kitchen that goes well with meat, cheese and bitterness. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:13 | |
PHONE | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Hello. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
Oh, Katie, hi. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Yes, yes, it's all under control. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
The Santa is booked, the hall is decorated and every present is wrapped. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:34 | |
Mm? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Why do you think they need to be colour-coded? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
Yes, of course I want the children to feel special, but... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Fff-fff-fff-fff! | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Yes, all right, Katie. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Fine. Fine... | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Whatever. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
Here you are, my festive booze-hound. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
This'll cheer you up. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
This'll... | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
Susan, I don't profess to understand this Christmas malarkey, | 0:03:12 | 0:03:17 | |
but shouldn't you be leaving the unwrapping to the kids? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:22 | |
Katie wants all the boys' presents wrapped in one sort of paper and all the girls' in another. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:28 | |
-Yeah, that makes sense. -No, it makes no sense, it's completely mental! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
OK. Here you are, drink this. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
-Well, that's Merlot. -That's Merlot, that's right. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
-And we have two cases of this in the kitchen. -No, no, no, no. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
They were supposed to deliver Shiraz. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
This is totally wrong, someone's going to have to pay for this! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Calm, calm down, Susan, remember our golden rule - | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
no matter how bad things get, we don't take it out on the wine. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:59 | |
Here you are. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-Ben? -Mm-hm? -You know what you always say about Christmas? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
What, that it's an overpriced rip-off and anyone stupid enough | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
to celebrate it should be impaled on the end of their own Christmas tree? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
That's the one. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
Well, you're right. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
I don't know why I've been swimming against the tide all these years. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Christmas is a complete pain in the...backside. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:28 | |
Yes, go on... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
It's never-ending, it's stressful... | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
And let's face it, it's never as good as you expect it to be. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
Yes. Yes... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
In fact, the whole thing is a pointless, pointless waste of time. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
That's right, Susan. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Come to the dark side. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
-I tell you what we're going to do this year... -Yeah? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
Absolutely...nothing. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Oh, my darling. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Say that again, please. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
-I mean it, Ben. I'm done with Christmas. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:09 | |
Come on, let's go upstairs. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
This is turning you on? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
Is that so bad? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
-No, no, it's fine. -OK, come on. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Hi, Nick. It's me, Janey. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
I know the last time you saw me wearing a uniform like this, I was | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
sneaking out to see that guy who was into that sort of thing, | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
but actually, I do have a proper job now. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
I'm a Care Worker, see? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
I have a boyfriend called Craig and he looks like this... | 0:05:43 | 0:05:47 | |
He's from Australia, which means I can't chuck him or he'll just keep coming back. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:52 | |
That's one of Craig's jokes. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
It's about boomerangs. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
I didn't get it at first... | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
I still don't. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
Anyway, my little boy's not so little any more. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:05 | |
Kenzo's just shot up - oh, he's such a great kid. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
-I'm telling you, Nick, I'm not that flighty little girl you remember. -SMS SIGNAL | 0:06:08 | 0:06:13 | |
As a matter of fact, I've been working hard to be much more... | 0:06:13 | 0:06:18 | |
focused... | 0:06:18 | 0:06:19 | |
Oh, that's funny! | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
LOL. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
So anyway, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
I'm more focused and... | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
I have a boyfriend called Craig, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
looks like this... | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
he's from Australia but he just keeps... | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
coming back like a boomerang... | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Oh, no. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Oh, no, that's terrible! | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
Well, could you up the medication? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:54 | |
Yes, yes, I suppose that would be dangerous. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
Well, thanks for letting me know, bye. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
-Who was that? -Mrs Woodgate. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
Ahhh. Who's Mrs Woodgate? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Santa's wife. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Santa's married to Mrs Woodgate? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
-What did she want? -She called to say that Santa's been involved in an accident. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:18 | |
Oh, my God! Is Rudolph all right? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
Does this face look like I'm in the mood for your jokes? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
-It's sort of difficult to tell. -It's just one thing after another. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
Mr Woodgate was supposed to be my Father Christmas tomorrow. I mean, he was perfect... | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
he was kind, jolly and really friendly. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
I know, I know - well, what happened to him? | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
He shattered his pelvis in a pub fight. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Oh, Ben, what am I going to do? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
It's all right, calm down, calm down. It's all right, we'll work something out together. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Where am I going to find a replacement Santa at this late stage? | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
I know, it's a bit of a problem. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
-Unless... -No. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Please, Ben, please, I'm begging you, I'm begging you! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Whoa, whoa, let me just get this straight. You want me - me, to take part in a festival that I hate? | 0:07:58 | 0:08:04 | |
Playing a character that I've never believed in and giving presents to... | 0:08:04 | 0:08:08 | |
children? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
-Yes. -No. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Fine. Stuff you, then. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
I'll find somebody else to do it. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
Shut up! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
For God's sake, don't let Kenzo see you like that, you'll shatter his dreams on so many levels. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:48 | |
-Like I care. -Well, well, well, what a memorable Santa you're going to make! | 0:08:48 | 0:08:53 | |
It's going to take every ounce of my energy to maintain any sort of dignity today. | 0:08:55 | 0:09:01 | |
-Susan... -I know! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
My trousers have fallen down. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
Well, a female Santa, downing whisky, with her trousers around her ankles. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:15 | |
-Not even I could do this to the kids. -Just give me the car keys. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
No, I'll be your Father Christmas. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-You will? -And your designated driver. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Oh, my God. I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
Hello, Uncle Nick. I'm Kenzo. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
I'm your nephew. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
I've been told by Mummy to speak slowly and | 0:09:41 | 0:09:45 | |
not to use too many big words. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
Anyway, I don't really remember you, | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
but I sort of remember the fire you started and the flood that put it out. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:59 | |
Grandma and Granddad talk about you all the time. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Well, Grandma does. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
When I asked Granddad about you he said, "There's only one Nick." | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
Wait, | 0:10:12 | 0:10:13 | |
actually, he said, "Thank God there's only one Nick." | 0:10:13 | 0:10:18 | |
Next! | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
Come on, hurry up, we haven't got all day. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
So what do you want for Christmas, little girl? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
I don't believe in Father Christmas. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Good, works for me, go on, on your bike bye. Next! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:36 | |
And so what do you want, little boy? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
-For Christmas? -I want a bike. -Yep. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
With 12-speed gears, a keyboard, the Battlestar Virgan Boxset, a Balloon Gyrocopter, a Stealth spy kit... | 0:10:40 | 0:10:47 | |
-Can I get you another drink? -No, thank you. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Katie, hi. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
-How are you, boss? -Not all together happy, to be honest with you. -Oh. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Your decorations are hideous. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
And the presents. Were you angry when you wrapped them or just drunk? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
-Yes. -And we've had a few complaints about your Santa. -Oh, well, look, he's doing his best. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
Well, just tell him to get his act together. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
He's representing the good name of the art gallery. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
Look, Katie, I know there are times when Ben can be angry, | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
rude and offensive, but there many other times when he's...asleep. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:23 | |
Handle the situation. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
Oh, Merry Christmas. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
Magna Builder bricks, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
-Henry Hamster, Dinosaurus Construction Kit... -Yeah. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
-Whizz Wheel Monster Trucks. -Look. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
-I haven't finished yet. -Wanna bet? | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Listen, sunshine, my elves work in a toy factory, not a sweat shop, now push off. Here. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
-Can I have two? -No. -I'm going to tell on you. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:57 | |
Listen, | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
I'm Santa and I know where you live. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
Now push off. Next! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
-OK, so what's your name little girl? -Mary. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
Mary, and what do you want for Christmas, Mary? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
Ah, no, don't tell me, you want a High School Musical DVD or an X Factor karaoke machine? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:21 | |
I want my Granddad back. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Really? Is that a board game? Because it sounds pretty boring. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
My Mummy and Granddad had a big fight and now they don't talk to each other. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:32 | |
Well, sweetheart, lots of people argue, so I'm told. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
But they soon patch things up. Your granddad and mummy will be talking again soon. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
It's been two years. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
I used to see Granddad all the time. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
I really want he and my mummy to make friends again. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:49 | |
Oh, sweetheart. Mary, I wish I could help, but I don't think I can. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
You can, I know you can. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
You're Father Christmas. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Yes, of course, how about a satsuma? | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Please, Santa, please. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
Oh, please, Mary, understand. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
I've written down his name and address. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
Yeah? Listen, I'm sure if you don't see your granddad, you'll still have a lovely time. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:10 | |
You'll make it all right, Santa, I know you will. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:15 | |
Mary, Mary, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
you forgot your... | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
..present. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
It's really bothering you, isn't it? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:29 | |
Oh, you should have seen the look in her eye. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:32 | |
I think I should do something to help. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
This is really strange. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
I've totally lost the spirit of Christmas and you're overwhelmed by it. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
What are the seven signs of the apocalypse again? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
I'm serious, Susan. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
I really should do something to help, you know. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
I mean, Santa does not break promises. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
You do know you're not actually Santa, don't you? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
I am to her. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
She even gave me her grandfather's address | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
and I think I should go and talk to him. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
Look, you, I don't know who you are or what you've done with my husband but I want him back. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:18 | |
Yeah, yeah, OK, all right, maybe you're right. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
I just wanted to do something to help a family at Christmas, but, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
maybe, I should just stay out of it. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
Yep, yep, you're right, OK, good night. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Well, thank you very much. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
-What? -You being all weird and human. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
You've got me worrying about the kid too. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
-You talk to the grandfather and I'll talk to the mother. -Really? -Yep. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
That's wonderful. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Great. We'll start first thing in the morning. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
Good night. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Ah, that's great. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:07 | |
That's great. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Ah, Susan. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
Susan, I love you so much. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:18 | |
I do, I mean I really love you, you know. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
-And I just don't say it... -Will you just shut up, you're freaking me out! | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Oh, hey, Nick, didn't see you there. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
Yo, Nick, whassup? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:38 | |
Hi, Nick. How's it going? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Hope things are good for you. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
I'm doing OK. I've graduated from uni with a first. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
I've got my own place now, which is cool. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
I only come round here to steal food and remind myself how lucky I am not to live here any more. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:55 | |
Erm, what else? | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Oh, I'm thinking of buying a car | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
and, oh, yeah, I'm gay. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Now, I know what you're thinking, | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
who drives a car in London nowadays? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Thanks for coming round, Mr Elliott. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
-Frank. -Frank, yes, sorry. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Sorry to drag you all this way. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
Sounded like something worth travelling for, an inheritance. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
Yeah, we'll talk about that later. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Uh, to be totally frank, Frank, | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
I've actually dragged you round here under false pretences. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
-What? -I actually wanted to talk to you about your granddaughter, Mary. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:42 | |
-Mary? -Yep, yep. -Well, she's all right, isn't she? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
-Nothing's happened? -No, no, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
We had a little chat the other day, you know, she was sitting on my knee. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
No, I'm Santa, you see, I'm Santa! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
Not the real Santa because I mean, you know, Santa doesn't exist, does he? I mean... | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
Well, I mean, course he does, I mean some people believe in Santa and I... Could you sit down please? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:02 | |
I just want to talk to you about you granddaughter, Mary. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Only, she's very upset that you're not talking to your daughter. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:11 | |
Elaine? Well, she's only got herself to blame for that. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
She's been completely unreasonable | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
just because I remarried nine months after her mother died. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
Well, you know, children can be very over-sensitive about these things. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:25 | |
It wasn't helped by the fact that my wife, Julie, is only a couple of years older than Elaine. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:31 | |
Really? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
You dog. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
-Can we get back to this inheritance, please? -I'll talk to you about that later. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:42 | |
-Ben! -Ah, that'll be my first wife. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
Just, er, give me a second. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
No, no, not my second wife, because I've only got one. I'll see you in a minute. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
-Where's the mother? I thought you'd gone to get her? -I did. She's using the loo. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:57 | |
Ah, OK, OK. Did she tell you why they fell out? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Ah, yes, I got the whole story on the way over. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
-Mmm, I know, the grandfather told me in the kitchen. -What? He's here? | 0:18:03 | 0:18:07 | |
Yeah. Ah-ah-ah, steady, steady. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
It's going to be a very delicate negotiation, Susan, so just leave it to me, OK? | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
Ben, Ben, what are you thinking? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
We agreed to see them separately, and if everything was OK, fix up a meeting between them. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:20 | |
OK, so I skipped a stage, you know, forgive me for being astute. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:25 | |
-Astute? It's bonkers. -What? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
-You can't just put two people in a room and hope they get on. -They do in prison. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:33 | |
Just leave it to me, OK? I understand human nature. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Oh, great, you've been human for six hours and now you're an expert. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
Oh, hello, you must be Elaine. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
Hello, I'm Ben. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
OK. Look, I'm a bit confused as to why I'm here. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
-Don't worry, all will be revealed in the fullness of time. -Excuse me. -If not sooner. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:53 | |
-What's she doing here? -Why is he here? What's this about? | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
Oh, look, I'm sorry for all the subterfuge, but we thought... | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Susan, please, let me deal with this, OK? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Er, we have heard, my wife and I, have heard for some reason | 0:19:01 | 0:19:06 | |
you two are not talking and we were hoping, | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
my wife and I, were hoping that in some way we could help you resolve this trivial little thing. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:16 | |
-I don't think it's trivial. -Neither do I. -Neither do I. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:20 | |
Any daughter would be upset seeing her father remarrying so soon after the death of a mother. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
Susan, please? Thank you. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
Let me deal with it? | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
It's nine months, come on, nine months. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
It's hardly the next day, is it? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
-I couldn't help it. -No. -I just fell in love with Julie. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
That's not love! It's lust. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
You've fallen for some peroxide blonde who is half mum's age. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
-So? -So? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
You think that's all right? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
What's wrong with it? It's her that's being selfish and pig-headed. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
No disrespect, Elaine. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
I want him to respect my mother's memory. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
-Of course you do. -I do respect it. -By running off with a younger woman. -With long, shapely legs. | 0:19:55 | 0:20:00 | |
-She didn't mention anything about her legs. -No, HE did. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
-No, I didn't? -Well, I'm just filling in the gaps. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
He was just finding a little comfort to sustain him, we all deal with grief in our own way. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:12 | |
You really are a piece of work. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:13 | |
At least I don't get overheated over some minor little thing! | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
-It's not a minor little thing! -Excuse me. -Hello. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
-Please, be quiet thank you, we haven't finished! -Ben! -Sorry. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
-None of this has anything to do with you two. -At least we're agreed on that. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
I don't see why you feel you've got the right to meddle in our business. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
Just stay out of it, will you? | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
So. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
What's next? | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
The Middle East? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
Oh, for goodness' sake, just get over it. So you tried and failed. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:52 | |
All I wanted to do was to be helpful and all I've ended up doing is making things worse. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:58 | |
It's a pattern that does tend to repeat. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Was it so wrong to do something nice for a little girl? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:03 | |
You should stick to what you know. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Just be yourself, a selfish, mean-spirited, self-obsessed grouch. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:10 | |
That's how you see me? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:14 | |
It's how everybody sees you. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
Fine. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:18 | |
A mean-spirited, selfish man, huh? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
Great. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
I'll have you know, Susan, I am a very deep, thoughtful and sensitive | 0:21:24 | 0:21:30 | |
human being and I'm going downstairs to meditate upon that. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:35 | |
There's a new bottle of Scotch in the cupboard. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
'Please Santa, you said you'd do everything you could. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:32 | |
'Don't give up now.' | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
TV: 'News just in...' | 0:22:35 | 0:22:36 | |
'Are you sure you tried everything? | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
'I don't think so.' | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Susan! Susan! Susan! Su... | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
Don't give up now, Santa, please | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
-and please remember to put the bins out. -What? | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
I said, "Please remember to put the bins out." | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
Are you all right? | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
Susan, you won't believe this, you won't believe this. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
You know that little girl, little girl, Mary? She was here, she was here in this room. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
-Did she steal anything? -N..n-she, eh. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
She was in the mirror there, Susan. She was in the mirror and the paper, she was in the paper and she was | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
there, she was on the television and she was standing here on the stairs! | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
-Gets about a bit, doesn't she? -Susan, she asked for my help again. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
Yeah, this time I'm gonna do something, yeah, gonna do... OK, first thing in the morning. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
Ben, we've been over this. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
You tried and you failed. Enough now. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
Yep, I tried, I failed, but this time it's a job for someone else, someone really special. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:33 | |
Why do I get the bad feeling that it's still you? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
# So here it is, Merry Christmas | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
# Everybod...# | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
I want a word with you. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:49 | |
I've tried being nice. I've tried being reasonable. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
I've tried to play by the rules. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
I was hoping common sense would prevail, but clearly I was wasting my time. So, it's gloves off. | 0:23:54 | 0:24:00 | |
No more Mr Nice Guy. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Blimey, Santa, you've changed. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
I'm not here to talk. Come with me. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
-Where are you taking me? -For a sleigh ride. Now shut up. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
Don't even think about it. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
Sorry. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
He's a bit stressed at the moment. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
People shopping online is killing his business. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
Now, listen to me, please. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
I know you told me it was none of my business, but somebody's got to | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
make you pig-headed idiots to see some kind of sense. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
It's hard to believe the Samaritans turned him down. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
Susan, thank you. Please. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:42 | |
Now, all families argue, all families argue. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
-Don't they, Susan? -Oh, God, yes. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
I don't think it's for you to tell us how to deal with our problems. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
-Quite right. -All right, how about this then? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
-There's someone in the middle of all this, some little person that you've totally forgot. -Mary. | 0:24:54 | 0:25:00 | |
Well, not totally forgot, all right, but, er, where is she in all this? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
You know, she has her rights too, you know? | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
And she's hurting a lot, not having her grandfather about. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
Ben's right. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
And you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
So, for Mary's sake, why don't you two declare a truce? For Christmas. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:22 | |
You know, you don't have to mean it, just fake it! You know, | 0:25:22 | 0:25:27 | |
anything for a quiet life, that's what I say. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
Just fake it, everybody does it. You've faked things, haven't you, Susan? | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
-More than you'll ever know. -Yeah, let's be honest, we all... | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
Look, we've been over this so many times, there's nothing else to say. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
Do this for Mary, or he'll only keep coming back. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
Well, let's not rule anything out. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
-Elaine, what do you think? -I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
-I suppose you're right. -I'll put the kettle on. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
-Two sugars, please. -Not for you, Santa. -Mummy. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
I'm here, sweetheart! | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
-Granddad! -Hello, poppet. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
Look how big you've got. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
Santa, you did it! Thank you. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
Granddad, are you going to be here for Christmas? Are you? | 0:26:11 | 0:26:16 | |
-I er... I don't know, um... -I think there's a good chance. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
For once, I'm proud of you, darling. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
Thank you, Susan. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:24 | |
Don't get used to it. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
You've actually done something for a bunch of strangers you've never managed to do for us, | 0:26:28 | 0:26:33 | |
you've brought a family together. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
You know, Frank and Elaine never really thanked me. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
Ungracious pair. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
You didn't do it for the thanks though, did you? | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Did you? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:47 | |
Mm, suppose not. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
You've just demonstrated the true spirit of Christmas. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:56 | |
It's inspirational, that's what it is. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
I'm never going to miss another Christmas. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
-In fact, there's no reason why we should miss this one. -No, what? No, no, no... -Yes, yes, | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
yes, yes, I mean, look, it's not too late to get a tree, decorate | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
-the house, buy a turkey and generally have a perfect Christmas. -Why bother? | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
Come on, darling, look, we've got everything we want here, right here. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:17 | |
We've got the box set of Sopranos | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
and two cases of Merlot in the kitchen to get through. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
Oh, for goodness' sake. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
Where's the fun in that? | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
Oh, well done! | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
-Hey buddy boy! -Hello, darling! | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
Hiya, Mick. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:36 | |
-Nick. -Who? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
-What did I say? -You said... No, you said, you said Mick. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
-Did I? -Yes! You said Mick! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
Darling, hope you're happy, wherever you are, whatever you're doing | 0:27:47 | 0:27:54 | |
-and I just, um... hope you keep in touch, you will keep in touch. -Shh, no, | 0:27:54 | 0:27:59 | |
-but when she says... -What? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
When she says, "Keep in touch", she didn't mean that's an invitation to come home. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:07 | |
No, but we want to see you sometime. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
-Merry Christmas, darling, Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas! | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
And a very Ha-ha-ha-happy New Year! | 0:28:24 | 0:28:28 | |
Yeah, whatever. | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
Ben! Ben! | 0:28:30 | 0:28:31 | |
All right, let's have a look at the old X-rays, shall we? | 0:28:35 | 0:28:39 | |
Mmmm... | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
Has anyone ever told you you look like that guy off the TV? | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
Rolf Harris? | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
No, no. He used to do that show with sick animals. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:51 | |
Yeah, that's me, Rolf Harris. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
No, he, no, it's a different accent. And he had a beard. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:56 | |
Well, I've always had a beard, I've always been Rolf Harris. | 0:28:56 | 0:29:00 | |
No! Not really. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
You're, you're Rolf Harris? | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Beginning to wish I wasn't. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:07 | |
Oh, fantastic. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
So, what brings you to our humble surgery? | 0:29:09 | 0:29:11 | |
My reputation as a consummate professional? Oops, sorry. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:15 | |
No, it's just that your surgery was the only one open on Boxing Day. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:19 | |
Works for me. Right, so, | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
-little toothache, eh? -Oh, I'm in terrible pain. What I think's happened is... | 0:29:25 | 0:29:30 | |
Yeah, I think I'll do the diagnosing if you don't mind. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
I don't come over to your place and teach you how to sing, do I? | 0:29:33 | 0:29:37 | |
Or paint. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
Or present TV shows. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
Actually, come to that, shouldn't you have settled on a career by now? | 0:29:42 | 0:29:47 | |
-So, can you tell what it is yet? -Can you tell what it is yet! I love that! | 0:29:47 | 0:29:52 | |
No, I'm serious. Can you tell what it is yet? | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
Yes, uh, yes, you've got a cuspal fracture of the sixth molar. | 0:29:55 | 0:30:00 | |
-What does that mean? -I'm buying a new boat. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:04 | |
-I'll pop in a temporary filling but you'll have to come back in a few days. -OK. | 0:30:04 | 0:30:09 | |
Yeah, you know that programme of yours? | 0:30:09 | 0:30:12 | |
-Fantastic, fantastic programme, Animal Hospital? -Yeah. | 0:30:12 | 0:30:15 | |
Yeah, it's very good, actually inspired a friend of mine to work with animals. | 0:30:15 | 0:30:20 | |
-He became a vet? -No, a butcher. | 0:30:20 | 0:30:22 | |
-Yeah, I paint myself, you know. -Really? -Mmm hmm. Did up the spare bedroom last week. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:30 | |
Oh, once I start, I'm on fire. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:33 | |
Is this going to take long? | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
No, no, easy procedure. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
I can do this with my eyes closed. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:39 | |
How about with the mouth closed? | 0:30:39 | 0:30:42 | |
OK. It's always the same, with you lot, isn't it? | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
-What? -You so-called nice celebrities. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
You should have heard what Michael Palin once said. | 0:30:47 | 0:30:49 | |
OK, I forgot the novocaine, but, you know, that's no excuse. | 0:30:49 | 0:30:53 | |
-Is there any chance of, um...? -OK, fine, fine. | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
I won't say another word. | 0:30:58 | 0:31:00 | |
# Two little boys had two little toys | 0:31:04 | 0:31:07 | |
# Each had a wooden horse... | 0:31:07 | 0:31:11 | |
Look, I've had enough of this. | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
-It's your song! -Is there any chance of putting me under? | 0:31:13 | 0:31:16 | |
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not necessary with this procedure. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
It's not for the procedure. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:21 | |
Hello, darling, how was your day? | 0:31:25 | 0:31:27 | |
I made it out alive. How was yours? | 0:31:27 | 0:31:30 | |
What's the matter? | 0:31:31 | 0:31:34 | |
I haven't cooked anything, if that's what you're implying. | 0:31:34 | 0:31:36 | |
No, it's worse than that. You want something. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
-What are you talking about? -I know you, Susan, and I know when you want something, so come on, out with it. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:45 | |
-What is it? -You're being ridiculous. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
-Are you sure? -Yes, I'm sure you're being ridiculous. | 0:31:47 | 0:31:50 | |
We'll see. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:54 | |
Stop it, Ben. | 0:31:57 | 0:31:59 | |
I said stop it. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:03 | |
I want to have a party! | 0:32:07 | 0:32:08 | |
-Ha! I knew it! What, a party? -Yes, yes, yes, a New Year's Eve party! | 0:32:08 | 0:32:12 | |
A great big bash with drunken revelry and a big crowd! | 0:32:12 | 0:32:17 | |
Well, what's wrong with our usual drunken revelry and just me? | 0:32:17 | 0:32:21 | |
The answer's in the question. | 0:32:21 | 0:32:23 | |
Come on, parties are poor excuses for sponging, social ingrates to gorge on food and get drunk. | 0:32:23 | 0:32:31 | |
-Yes. How on earth will you fit in? -I'm sorry, | 0:32:31 | 0:32:33 | |
-it's out of the question. -Oh, please, Ben, I really need this party right now. | 0:32:33 | 0:32:37 | |
It would be such fun. We could have, we could have live music. | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
-No. -A catered meal. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:42 | |
-No. -Cases of champagne. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:45 | |
Cases? Are you serious? | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
I made a list of all the people in the neighbourhood I'd like to invite. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:51 | |
This is the same list as the people I want dead. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:54 | |
No, no, this one's slightly shorter. | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
Casey, why is my next door nemesis on this list? | 0:32:56 | 0:33:00 | |
-Because this year, I'd like you to build a bridge with Mr Casey. -Only if he can be in the foundations. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:06 | |
Sorry, Susan, forget it. If you want a party with Casey, it'll be over my dead body. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:11 | |
I love it when you leave me a loophole. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
-OK, Mum. I came straight over. What's up? -Ah, here, take this box of your things. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:25 | |
That's it? | 0:33:25 | 0:33:26 | |
You told me Dad was in hospital. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:29 | |
If you did things when I asked, I wouldn't have to do things like that. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:34 | |
You cleaned out my room? | 0:33:34 | 0:33:36 | |
Oh, my God, you didn't find my... | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
-What? -Nothing. | 0:33:39 | 0:33:42 | |
So, this is the last of it, then? | 0:33:42 | 0:33:46 | |
The final remnants of my 20 years in this house. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:50 | |
This box symbolises my arrival into adulthood. | 0:33:50 | 0:33:54 | |
Hey, who broke my Action Man? | 0:33:54 | 0:33:57 | |
Sorry, Michael. I'm getting things ready for our New Year's Eve party. Will you and Scott be coming? | 0:33:57 | 0:34:02 | |
-Uh, I don't know yet. -Oh, please, you only bring him round five minutes at a time. Are you embarrassed by us? | 0:34:02 | 0:34:07 | |
Of course not. | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
-See you at ten to twelve. -I'm home! | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
Make that five to twelve. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:14 | |
Welcome home. May I tempt you to a vol-au-vent? | 0:34:16 | 0:34:19 | |
I've had a hard day, Susan, let me decompress first before you kill off another taste bud. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:25 | |
No, no, no, you'll like this. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
Food samples from three different caterers. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:29 | |
-I can't decide which one to choose. -I can, cheapest one wins. OK, next? | 0:34:29 | 0:34:33 | |
Right, these are the party invitations. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
I need your approval and by your approval say you like them. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:39 | |
-Embossed, engraved on vellum?! -DOORBELL | 0:34:39 | 0:34:44 | |
Why don't we just print one and get them to circulate it? | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
Mr Casey. What a nice surprise. | 0:34:48 | 0:34:50 | |
Casey?! I do not want that twisted pygmy in thi... | 0:34:50 | 0:34:54 | |
-Oh, you're already in. Good. -Mr Casey, what can we do for you? | 0:34:54 | 0:34:57 | |
Her Majesty's postal employee mistakenly delivered your post to me. | 0:34:57 | 0:35:01 | |
It's a magazine for one Ben Harper. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:05 | |
Must be my New Scientist, I love those insightful, intellectual articles. | 0:35:05 | 0:35:08 | |
No, it's Nuts. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:11 | |
Their super-annual, extra-bouncy issue. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:13 | |
Thank you, Casey, good, lovely, thank you. | 0:35:13 | 0:35:15 | |
You've done your good deed for the day now off you go, under your bridge. | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
-But first, have an invitation to our New Year's Eve party. -New Year's Eve party? Oh, dear. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:22 | |
-Oh, really, got something else planned? -Yes, I have. -Oh, shame. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:25 | |
-Oh, I'm sorry. -Yes, tragic. | 0:35:25 | 0:35:28 | |
I'm holding my own neighbourhood New Year's Eve party. I've been throwing it for 11 years now. | 0:35:28 | 0:35:32 | |
-11 years? How come we've never heard of it then? -Hm, it must have been an oversight. | 0:35:32 | 0:35:37 | |
Really. Well, why don't you do your do another night. | 0:35:37 | 0:35:40 | |
And when do you suggest I hold a New Year's Eve Party, dum-dum? Guy Fawkes' Night? | 0:35:40 | 0:35:45 | |
-Why don't you just shove it up your... -Vol-au-vent? | 0:35:45 | 0:35:49 | |
-No, thank you. -Well, this is most regrettable, Mr Casey, but we're already committed to that date. | 0:35:49 | 0:35:54 | |
Yes, and we're not going to stop it. | 0:35:54 | 0:35:56 | |
In fact, we're going to invite the entire neighbourhood. OK? | 0:35:56 | 0:36:00 | |
So may the best party win, Casey! | 0:36:00 | 0:36:02 | |
If it's down to the best party winning, Harper, I think we all know whose it will be. | 0:36:02 | 0:36:07 | |
Ho-ho, yes. We do. | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
It'll be his, won't it? | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
Susan? | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
A-ha! | 0:36:18 | 0:36:21 | |
I am about to make you very happy. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:26 | |
-Oh, really. -With a little help from Ainsley Harriott. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:32 | |
I'm game if you are. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:34 | |
What? No, no...you! | 0:36:34 | 0:36:37 | |
A friend of mine knows Ainsley Harriott, right, and he says he'll | 0:36:37 | 0:36:43 | |
cater for private do's if the price is right. Can you believe it? | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
-All except the part where you have a mate. -No, no, | 0:36:46 | 0:36:51 | |
he's a patient, but the Ainsley Harriott part is true. | 0:36:51 | 0:36:53 | |
Can you believe it, Susan, please, come on. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:55 | |
A live jazz band, private chef, fireworks display, it'll put our party out of Casey's reach. | 0:36:55 | 0:37:01 | |
It might put our overdraft out of reach too. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
I keep telling you, darling, money is no object. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:06 | |
-Are you feeling all right? -Never better. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
You know what, I was thinking of booking the London Philharmonic | 0:37:09 | 0:37:13 | |
but I just, don't want to rub Casey's nose in it. What's that? | 0:37:13 | 0:37:16 | |
It's Casey's house. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
A lorry just pulled up. | 0:37:21 | 0:37:23 | |
-It's from Harrods! -Right. That's it. We're booking the Philharmonic. | 0:37:23 | 0:37:27 | |
Ben, you don't even know what he's brought in. | 0:37:27 | 0:37:29 | |
Well, we'll soon find out. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:31 | |
OK, let's have a look. | 0:37:31 | 0:37:34 | |
Come on, Casey, let's see your goodies. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:38 | |
Yes? | 0:37:38 | 0:37:40 | |
I'm not signing that! | 0:37:42 | 0:37:44 | |
Well? Did you see his goodies? | 0:37:48 | 0:37:51 | |
'Fraid so. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:52 | |
Oh, I love watching you work, Ainsley. | 0:37:54 | 0:37:57 | |
The way you sift and knead and puree. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
It just takes my breath away. | 0:38:01 | 0:38:02 | |
Ah, that's very kind of you, Susan, but, er, could you not slobber on my dumplings? | 0:38:02 | 0:38:09 | |
Oh, darling, that smells wonderful! | 0:38:09 | 0:38:14 | |
-I didn't cook it. -I wasn't talking to you. Hello! -Hello! | 0:38:14 | 0:38:17 | |
I can't believe Ainsley Harriott is cooking in my kitchen. | 0:38:17 | 0:38:21 | |
No, neither can the kitchen. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:23 | |
Do you know, I can actually hear the pots sighing with relief. | 0:38:23 | 0:38:26 | |
And what are you, Susan? Can't cook? Won't cook? | 0:38:26 | 0:38:29 | |
Shouldn't cook. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
-What's he like, eh? -You don't want to know. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:38 | |
Ooh, I love caviar. | 0:38:40 | 0:38:43 | |
We have some paprika if you need it. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
Paprika? | 0:38:47 | 0:38:49 | |
You don't put paprika on caviar, Susan. | 0:38:49 | 0:38:52 | |
-Never? -Never. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:54 | |
-Big mistake. -Best before 2003? | 0:38:54 | 0:38:56 | |
Oh, that's a mistake too. | 0:38:58 | 0:39:00 | |
OK, guys, come through, that's lovely. | 0:39:00 | 0:39:02 | |
Yeah, just put that in the kitchen, that can go in the garage. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:07 | |
You can keep that there. Oh, hi, guys! | 0:39:07 | 0:39:10 | |
Piano's over there, out of tune, but do your best. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:12 | |
Ben, listen. I think you'd better take a look at tonight's RSVP list. | 0:39:12 | 0:39:17 | |
Yeah, yeah. Roger Bailey Jr. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:20 | |
That's it? There's no-one else? | 0:39:20 | 0:39:22 | |
No-one else replied. | 0:39:22 | 0:39:23 | |
And Roger's only a maybe. | 0:39:23 | 0:39:25 | |
It depends on whether he gets lucky at his bell ringing concert. | 0:39:25 | 0:39:29 | |
He says those events have a sexually charged atmosphere. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:33 | |
-So, no-one else is coming to our party? -Oh, I wouldn't say that. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:38 | |
-I would say NO ONE'S COMING TO OUR PARTY! -Hey, Mum! | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
- G'day, guys! - Craig, Janey. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
-Thank God you're here. -Hi! -You are coming to our party, right? | 0:39:44 | 0:39:46 | |
Well, we talked about it, but to be honest your crowd seems a bit old... | 0:39:46 | 0:39:51 | |
Fashioned... Fun. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
-Old-fashioned fun. -Yeah. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:56 | |
Yeah. I see. | 0:39:56 | 0:39:58 | |
Aw, look at his sad little face, Janey. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:00 | |
Don't worry, Ben-O. We'll be there. | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
Yeah? Are you sure? Good old Craig, he'll be there, you'll be there! | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
And Janey, bring all your mates, all your mates OK? | 0:40:05 | 0:40:08 | |
Bazzer, Shazzer, Jezzer, Mezzer. | 0:40:08 | 0:40:10 | |
They are all people, right? | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
Yes, Dad, yes. They're the same people you kicked out last time I had them round. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:15 | |
-Well, they were probably making a lot of noise. -It was my 12th birthday party. | 0:40:15 | 0:40:20 | |
We hadn't even cut the cake. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:22 | |
Now you know why we never have parties. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:25 | |
No worries, Ben-O. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:27 | |
-Whatever you need, we're there for you. -Few things you can do. | 0:40:27 | 0:40:30 | |
A little thing, you can let off a few fireworks at midnight, OK? | 0:40:30 | 0:40:35 | |
I think I can handle that, Ben-O! | 0:40:35 | 0:40:38 | |
And listen, be sure not to hold back, all right. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:40 | |
I want the whole neighbourhood to know that it's the biggest party in town! | 0:40:40 | 0:40:44 | |
-I want you to set it to music, all right? And synchronise it to Ride of the Valkyries. -Ah, yeah! | 0:40:44 | 0:40:50 | |
Fantastic! Ha-ha! | 0:40:50 | 0:40:52 | |
But you've got to stand a bit close, so, you can do that for me? | 0:40:52 | 0:40:55 | |
-Sure. No worries. -But Dad, isn't that a bit dangerous. | 0:40:55 | 0:40:57 | |
Noooooo, I'll be fine. | 0:40:57 | 0:41:00 | |
-Ben? -Yes, darling? | 0:41:01 | 0:41:03 | |
Ohhhh, unbelievable. | 0:41:03 | 0:41:07 | |
Thank you, darling. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:07 | |
Look at that scuff on the railing! | 0:41:07 | 0:41:11 | |
-That wallaby Craig said he'd buff it up for me and... You look radiant. -Thanks. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:15 | |
-This scuff, it really shows up. -DOOR BELL -A-ha, Susan! | 0:41:15 | 0:41:20 | |
Told you we needn't have worried! | 0:41:20 | 0:41:21 | |
What did we say, seven, and it's seven on the dot. Ha-ha! | 0:41:21 | 0:41:24 | |
Come in, come in, come in! Roger! | 0:41:24 | 0:41:27 | |
It's Roger! | 0:41:27 | 0:41:29 | |
Come in, Roger, it's nice to see you, come in. | 0:41:29 | 0:41:32 | |
-Hello? Ben? -Yeah. Good to see you, you're looking good, looking good, let me take your coat for you. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:36 | |
I'm not stopping, I just popped by to say hello. | 0:41:36 | 0:41:38 | |
-I'm on my way to my bell ringing concert. -Oh, please stay, Roger? | 0:41:38 | 0:41:42 | |
Yeah, forget the bell concert. | 0:41:42 | 0:41:45 | |
You want to try playing Silent Night without B flat and C major? | 0:41:45 | 0:41:48 | |
Good luck, my friend. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
Plus, it's the one night of the year my bells might get some action. | 0:41:50 | 0:41:56 | |
I'll be off then. Have a good party! | 0:41:58 | 0:42:01 | |
Oh, well. Bit of a setback. | 0:42:07 | 0:42:09 | |
Setback? It's party armageddon. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:13 | |
I did everything I could to make this party a success, but there's one obstacle even I couldn't overcome. | 0:42:13 | 0:42:18 | |
-You. -Me? | 0:42:18 | 0:42:20 | |
Well, I don't see anyone else here. | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
Which is strange, considering this is supposed to be a party! | 0:42:22 | 0:42:25 | |
Face it, Ben. Nobody's coming because nobody likes you. | 0:42:25 | 0:42:29 | |
Do not do this, we must not turn on each other. You know why? | 0:42:29 | 0:42:33 | |
-Because if I kill you, I'll be the only one at the party? -No. The only real enemy here | 0:42:33 | 0:42:37 | |
is him, him next door. | 0:42:37 | 0:42:39 | |
Now we must focus on the positive. | 0:42:39 | 0:42:40 | |
The easy thing to do would be to say, hey, it's not our night, let's just bow out gracefully. | 0:42:40 | 0:42:44 | |
We gave this competing parties thing our best shot, but clearly we failed. Miserably. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:49 | |
As rallying speeches go, Ben, that one really sucks. | 0:42:49 | 0:42:52 | |
Let me finish, OK? Most people I know would give up right now, but not us, Susan, not us, no way. | 0:42:52 | 0:42:56 | |
We're Harpers. We are made of sterner stuff. OK, come on. | 0:42:56 | 0:42:59 | |
Where are we going? | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
-Casey's party. -Isn't that giving in? | 0:43:01 | 0:43:04 | |
Not the way we're going to do it. | 0:43:04 | 0:43:06 | |
My God. It's better than I dreamed. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:14 | |
You mean, worse than you feared. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:16 | |
Potato, potahto. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:18 | |
Scott? Michael? What are you doing here? | 0:43:18 | 0:43:22 | |
Er, we're sabotaging Casey's party by drinking all his booze, so | 0:43:22 | 0:43:27 | |
-everyone will have to come to your party. -They're having a party? | 0:43:27 | 0:43:30 | |
Betrayed by my own son. | 0:43:30 | 0:43:33 | |
Oops, I seem to have walked into the wrong house. | 0:43:35 | 0:43:39 | |
And mixed myself a pair of Martinis. | 0:43:39 | 0:43:42 | |
-Betrayed by my own daughter. -Well, if it isn't Beauty and the Beast. | 0:43:45 | 0:43:49 | |
Are you going to let him talk to you like that? | 0:43:49 | 0:43:50 | |
I suppose we all knew it would come to this eventually, | 0:43:50 | 0:43:53 | |
but not even I expected you to cave in quite so soon. | 0:43:53 | 0:43:56 | |
Loathe as I am to admit it, Casey, but you certainly know how to hold a party. | 0:43:56 | 0:44:00 | |
-Thanks. -Ooh, Melody. | 0:44:00 | 0:44:03 | |
Meet Ben and Susan. | 0:44:03 | 0:44:06 | |
This is my girlfriend, Melody. | 0:44:06 | 0:44:07 | |
His girlfriend? | 0:44:07 | 0:44:09 | |
-Well, that's surprising because we, um... -Yes? | 0:44:09 | 0:44:12 | |
-Well, we just assumed that you were... -Single. | 0:44:12 | 0:44:15 | |
-I mean, we had no idea you were... -Dating. | 0:44:15 | 0:44:17 | |
Melody, dear, will you get Helga to clean up that bean dip off the hall floor? | 0:44:17 | 0:44:21 | |
So, can I get you drinks? | 0:44:26 | 0:44:27 | |
-Oh, Champagne, please. -Mmm. | 0:44:27 | 0:44:29 | |
-me too, please. -Two Champagnes, right. | 0:44:29 | 0:44:31 | |
-I'll just go and pop my cork and fill up your flutes. -Whatever grabs you. | 0:44:31 | 0:44:36 | |
-Right, time to make our move. -What are you talking about? | 0:44:38 | 0:44:42 | |
Well, this is the best party I've ever been to. | 0:44:42 | 0:44:46 | |
It's time to bring it down. | 0:44:46 | 0:44:48 | |
OK, simple sabotage, right. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:54 | |
We cut off their electricity and they make a beeline to our little soiree. | 0:44:54 | 0:44:58 | |
So we find the manhole cover, identify the mains supply, | 0:44:58 | 0:45:01 | |
get the bolt cutters from next door and cut off their power. | 0:45:01 | 0:45:04 | |
Or... | 0:45:04 | 0:45:05 | |
GUESTS GASP IN DISAPPOINTMENT We could do this. | 0:45:10 | 0:45:12 | |
OK, if you want to do it the simple way. Good work. | 0:45:14 | 0:45:17 | |
-GUESTS CHEER -Ah. | 0:45:17 | 0:45:19 | |
Nice try, Harper, but I've got a generator. | 0:45:19 | 0:45:22 | |
What do we do now? | 0:45:27 | 0:45:29 | |
Time for Plan B. | 0:45:30 | 0:45:32 | |
Hey, that's quite a wild party next door, isn't it? Whoo, what a party! | 0:45:38 | 0:45:42 | |
And it's catered for by Ainsley Harriott. | 0:45:42 | 0:45:44 | |
Yeah, but I also heard that the fella throwing the party's a right pillock. | 0:45:44 | 0:45:49 | |
Yeah, but you can't let one man's opinion skew your own judgement. | 0:45:49 | 0:45:53 | |
Oh, no, no, everyone's saying it. | 0:45:53 | 0:45:56 | |
Well done, Ben. | 0:45:56 | 0:45:58 | |
OK, you try and do any better. | 0:45:58 | 0:45:59 | |
OK. Watch and learn. | 0:45:59 | 0:46:02 | |
Hey, guys, guys, come on, why don't you come to our party? | 0:46:07 | 0:46:10 | |
-Because you two are taking this whole thing far too seriously and it's making you crazy. -Crazy! | 0:46:10 | 0:46:15 | |
It's not making us crazy. | 0:46:15 | 0:46:17 | |
Everybody conga! | 0:46:17 | 0:46:19 | |
Form a line and follow me! | 0:46:19 | 0:46:22 | |
Drop those dips and grab those hips! | 0:46:22 | 0:46:26 | |
Everybody conga! | 0:46:26 | 0:46:29 | |
Life is so much sweeter! | 0:46:29 | 0:46:31 | |
We've got Margaritas! | 0:46:31 | 0:46:33 | |
We've got Ainsley Harriott! | 0:46:33 | 0:46:35 | |
We've got Ainsley Harriott! | 0:46:36 | 0:46:38 | |
Arriba! Arriba! Arriba! Arriba! | 0:46:40 | 0:46:43 | |
Here we go, next door! We've got Ainsley Harriott! | 0:46:56 | 0:47:00 | |
Hey, better luck next year, Casey! | 0:47:00 | 0:47:03 | |
Curse you, Ben Harper! Argh. | 0:47:03 | 0:47:06 | |
And someone clean up that bean dip! | 0:47:06 | 0:47:07 | |
Here we come, into the house and having fun! | 0:47:09 | 0:47:13 | |
Ha, yeah, ha, that's brilliant, come on. | 0:47:13 | 0:47:17 | |
And we've got a real treat, | 0:47:17 | 0:47:18 | |
namely Ainsley Harriott! | 0:47:18 | 0:47:20 | |
Hey, Susan, you were brilliant! | 0:47:20 | 0:47:23 | |
Brilliant is what I do. | 0:47:23 | 0:47:25 | |
Come here, you. | 0:47:25 | 0:47:27 | |
This way, muchachos! This way! | 0:47:27 | 0:47:31 | |
Everybody conga, everybody conga! | 0:47:31 | 0:47:37 | |
That swine Casey has double conga'd us! | 0:47:37 | 0:47:40 | |
Mikey! Come on, Mikey, you can't leave us like this! | 0:47:40 | 0:47:43 | |
Ah, yeah, you're right. | 0:47:43 | 0:47:45 | |
Happy New Year! | 0:47:45 | 0:47:47 | |
Mikey Mikey! | 0:47:47 | 0:47:49 | |
Well, New Year's Eve and, er, thank you. Just us. | 0:47:55 | 0:48:00 | |
It's not fair, Ben. | 0:48:00 | 0:48:02 | |
We've did everything right. | 0:48:02 | 0:48:04 | |
Great food, great music. | 0:48:04 | 0:48:06 | |
But nobody's coming. | 0:48:06 | 0:48:08 | |
-KNOCK AT THE DOOR -So, how are you guys enjoying my canapes, all right? | 0:48:08 | 0:48:11 | |
-Mmm, delicious, Ainsley. -Oh, thank you. | 0:48:11 | 0:48:14 | |
Which is good, because we'll be enjoying the leftovers for months. | 0:48:14 | 0:48:17 | |
Well, maybe not that long. | 0:48:17 | 0:48:21 | |
Er, listen, Susan, I was wondering, if there's nothing else, you know, perhaps I could... | 0:48:21 | 0:48:25 | |
Yes, it's fine, Ainsley. | 0:48:25 | 0:48:27 | |
You can go to Casey's party. | 0:48:27 | 0:48:29 | |
Oh, this is ridiculous. | 0:48:37 | 0:48:39 | |
Well, albeit thirst-quenching. | 0:48:39 | 0:48:41 | |
Let's face it, Ben, we're done. | 0:48:41 | 0:48:44 | |
I hate to admit it, but I think you're right. | 0:48:44 | 0:48:47 | |
Oh, please, knock it off! | 0:48:47 | 0:48:49 | |
PHONE | 0:48:49 | 0:48:50 | |
Oh, no, no, no, not now, that's all I need. | 0:48:55 | 0:48:58 | |
It's the emergency surgery number. | 0:48:58 | 0:49:01 | |
I'm sorry, but Ben Harper is not available to take your call, please leave your number after the tone. | 0:49:02 | 0:49:08 | |
Rolf? | 0:49:08 | 0:49:10 | |
-Rolf Harris? Hi! -Rolf Harris! | 0:49:10 | 0:49:12 | |
Yes! Oh, I'm sorry, what, the filling's fallen out? | 0:49:14 | 0:49:17 | |
Ah, well, does happen from time to time. | 0:49:17 | 0:49:20 | |
I'll, er, tell you what, I'll meet you over at the surgery and I can... | 0:49:20 | 0:49:23 | |
No, no! Get him here! Invite him here! | 0:49:23 | 0:49:26 | |
Why don't you come over to my house? | 0:49:26 | 0:49:29 | |
Mmm hmm, I'll give you the address. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:32 | |
Oh, and tell you what, why don't you, | 0:49:32 | 0:49:34 | |
why don't you dress up? | 0:49:34 | 0:49:36 | |
Come on in, ladies and gentlemen, please! Roll up, roll up! | 0:49:38 | 0:49:41 | |
The wonder from Down Under, for one night only, Mr Rolf Harris! Thank you! Yeah! | 0:49:41 | 0:49:46 | |
How about that, ladies and gentlemen, at great expense, we have the legend, Mr Rolf Harris! | 0:49:48 | 0:49:53 | |
Yeah, can we have Jake the Peg now? | 0:49:56 | 0:49:57 | |
-What about the tooth? -No, no, no, I'll do it later, it's fine, fine. | 0:49:57 | 0:50:01 | |
-I'm just waiting for everyone to get here cos I work better with a crowd. -Yeah, but I'm in pain! | 0:50:01 | 0:50:04 | |
Yeah, I know but, Rolf, we've got 18 verses of The Court of King Caractacus to get through. | 0:50:04 | 0:50:10 | |
-Listen, I'm off home. -No, no, Rolf, Rolf, please, you'll be doing Stairway to Heaven with a whistle. | 0:50:10 | 0:50:14 | |
-I'll get me didge. -All right, he's getting his didge, he's getting his didge, everyone! | 0:50:14 | 0:50:17 | |
Just getting the didge. | 0:50:17 | 0:50:21 | |
This must be a treat for you, eh, Craig? | 0:50:21 | 0:50:24 | |
-Rolf Harris, I mean, you must be thrilled. -Why? | 0:50:24 | 0:50:28 | |
-He's an incredibly famous Australian. -I've never heard of him. | 0:50:28 | 0:50:31 | |
-Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport? -Why would you do that to a poor kangaroo? | 0:50:31 | 0:50:37 | |
It's a song. | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
-It's a cruel song. -Craig! | 0:50:40 | 0:50:42 | |
You must be thrilled - Rolf Harris, eh? | 0:50:42 | 0:50:45 | |
Oh, don't waste your breath. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
-Benny. The shark's in the garden. -The sh- What? | 0:50:47 | 0:50:49 | |
-Fireworks are ready and steady, Ben-O. -Ah, great, fireworks, great. | 0:50:49 | 0:50:52 | |
-Wait till I give the signal, OK? -Yeah, right you are, mate. | 0:50:52 | 0:50:55 | |
Well, Harper, it seems you've outpartied me. | 0:50:55 | 0:50:58 | |
I suppose even a blind squirrel like yourself can find the occasional nut. | 0:50:58 | 0:51:02 | |
Mmm-hmm, Casey, just help yourself to some cheese. | 0:51:02 | 0:51:05 | |
Go well with your sour grapes. | 0:51:05 | 0:51:07 | |
Don't, Ben. It's not his fault. Not every party can have Rolf Harris. | 0:51:07 | 0:51:10 | |
-Rolf Harris? Really, is he here? -Yes, Rolf Harris, he's our... | 0:51:10 | 0:51:13 | |
-Is that.. Is that Jody? -Oh, Rolf! | 0:51:13 | 0:51:15 | |
How are you? | 0:51:18 | 0:51:19 | |
I don't believe it. You two know each other? | 0:51:19 | 0:51:21 | |
-I don't believe it. Your name's Jody? -Jody the Roadie, he was the road manager on my first world tour. | 0:51:21 | 0:51:27 | |
-He's the only one that I would trust to handle my didgeridoo. -I'm sure. | 0:51:27 | 0:51:31 | |
Does Melody know about this? | 0:51:31 | 0:51:33 | |
Listen, Rolf, I've still got one of your old Stylophones up in my loft. | 0:51:33 | 0:51:37 | |
Do you care to pop over and give it a tickle? | 0:51:37 | 0:51:39 | |
What a good idea, yeah, let's do it! | 0:51:39 | 0:51:41 | |
-Right! -But Rolf, Rolf, Rolf, I'm going to do the tooth. | 0:51:41 | 0:51:43 | |
Right everybody, come on, party's moving back to my house. | 0:51:43 | 0:51:46 | |
THEY ALL CHEER | 0:51:46 | 0:51:47 | |
Come on guys. Little operation here, if you want to watch. | 0:51:49 | 0:51:53 | |
-I'm going to do it in the kitchen. Mikey! Scott, come on! -Come on! | 0:51:53 | 0:51:59 | |
Not long to go now. | 0:52:09 | 0:52:11 | |
Yep. | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
And still no-one at our New Year's Eve party. | 0:52:14 | 0:52:18 | |
Nope. | 0:52:18 | 0:52:20 | |
Yup, 20 minutes to go. | 0:52:22 | 0:52:24 | |
You want to go up and make love? | 0:52:26 | 0:52:28 | |
Ten times? | 0:52:28 | 0:52:30 | |
-Harper. -Go away, Casey. -Ready to admit defeat? | 0:52:35 | 0:52:39 | |
Leave us to wallow in peace. | 0:52:39 | 0:52:41 | |
I don't enjoy this, you know, | 0:52:41 | 0:52:43 | |
this winning. | 0:52:43 | 0:52:44 | |
Well, not much anyway. | 0:52:44 | 0:52:47 | |
Just concede defeat, and you can join the festivities at my place. | 0:52:47 | 0:52:51 | |
I'd hate to think of you two losers seeing in the New Year alone. | 0:52:51 | 0:52:55 | |
-You've done it again, Ben. -And why? | 0:53:04 | 0:53:06 | |
Because you keep inspiring me, my love. | 0:53:06 | 0:53:10 | |
You're insane. You're insane, you know that? | 0:53:10 | 0:53:13 | |
You're actually risking prison just to have a better party than me? | 0:53:13 | 0:53:16 | |
Pretty much. | 0:53:16 | 0:53:17 | |
I'll sue you for every penny you've got, even if it takes | 0:53:17 | 0:53:20 | |
-the rest of my life, I'm going to make sure that you two are... -Sorry. | 0:53:20 | 0:53:23 | |
Couldn't quite catch that last part. | 0:53:23 | 0:53:25 | |
-KNOCK AT THE DOOR -Here you are. | 0:53:25 | 0:53:28 | |
I thought this would be a good time for Scott to get to know you better. | 0:53:28 | 0:53:30 | |
-Or we could come back later. -Mikey, wha...? | 0:53:34 | 0:53:37 | |
Attention, party people. | 0:53:39 | 0:53:42 | |
Black mould, repeat black mould has been discovered in Casey's house. | 0:53:42 | 0:53:47 | |
Please make your way next door where the party will conclude. | 0:53:47 | 0:53:52 | |
Please bring drinks with you, and any you can find, but please use coasters, | 0:53:52 | 0:53:57 | |
repeat, please use... | 0:53:57 | 0:53:59 | |
-Ben! -Sorry, I just love this megaphone. | 0:53:59 | 0:54:02 | |
It's great! All right, Casey? | 0:54:02 | 0:54:03 | |
-We did it, Susan. We did it! Just a few minutes to midnight. -I know! Nothing can ruin this party now! | 0:54:08 | 0:54:14 | |
Ooh, hang on, hang on, Craig! Craig! | 0:54:14 | 0:54:17 | |
Ahoy, Ben-O. Ripper party you've got going here, mate! | 0:54:17 | 0:54:20 | |
-Is the shark in the garden? -What? | 0:54:20 | 0:54:23 | |
Never mind. Are the fireworks ready? | 0:54:23 | 0:54:25 | |
-Oh, yeah! -On my command, unleash illegal Chinese fireworks! | 0:54:25 | 0:54:30 | |
I can't believe we got away with it. | 0:54:34 | 0:54:36 | |
-You really are wonderful. -Not as wonderful as you are, my darling. | 0:54:36 | 0:54:39 | |
Oh, my God, this is it, this is it! | 0:54:39 | 0:54:41 | |
This is it, this is it! Craig, Craig, start the music! | 0:54:41 | 0:54:46 | |
-OK everybody, come through, come through. -Everybody, come this way! | 0:54:46 | 0:54:49 | |
It's a very expensive, big display, OK? | 0:54:49 | 0:54:52 | |
Be prepared to be blown away! Go! | 0:54:52 | 0:54:53 | |
-Stop! -Yeah, Happy New Year, mate! | 0:55:20 | 0:55:23 | |
Craig, stop, Craig, in the name of humanity, stop! | 0:55:23 | 0:55:29 | |
No, turn round, you're missing it! | 0:55:30 | 0:55:33 | |
Craig, Craig, stop! | 0:55:33 | 0:55:36 | |
Indoors? Why indoors? | 0:55:38 | 0:55:40 | |
My vol-au-vents are on fire! | 0:55:40 | 0:55:44 | |
Three, two one... | 0:55:45 | 0:55:48 | |
Happy New... | 0:55:48 | 0:55:52 | |
Oh, sod this, I'm going home. | 0:55:52 | 0:55:55 | |
FIREWORK SQUEALS | 0:55:58 | 0:55:59 | |
That has to be our most interesting New Year's Eve ever. | 0:56:02 | 0:56:06 | |
-Mmm, top five at least. -Mmm hmm. | 0:56:06 | 0:56:08 | |
You know, despite all the money we've spent and all the damage to property, | 0:56:08 | 0:56:16 | |
personal relationships, | 0:56:16 | 0:56:18 | |
I wouldn't change a thing. | 0:56:18 | 0:56:20 | |
No. | 0:56:20 | 0:56:23 | |
Neither would I. | 0:56:23 | 0:56:25 | |
So, what do we do about these two? | 0:56:28 | 0:56:32 | |
We'll sort it out in the morning. | 0:56:35 | 0:56:37 | |
THEY START ROLF HARRIS-STYLE RHYTHMIC BREATHING | 0:56:41 | 0:56:46 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:57:14 | 0:57:15 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:57:15 | 0:57:19 |