Mary Christmas My Family


Mary Christmas

Festive edition of the family sitcom. A young girl looks set to have a miserable Christmas, while Ben renews an old battle with his next-door neighbour.


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Transcript


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RADIO: 'And right now, to get us all in a party mood, here's Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody!

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'# Are you hanging up the stocking on your...

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-'#..time that every Santa...#'

-Shut up! Shut up!

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Shut up!

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-Usual Christmas mood, is it?

-Call me a traditionalist.

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Dad, do you think Mrs Henty would like bath salts or Cornish fudge?

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Who's Mrs Henty?

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I'm saying that like I care.

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Mrs Henty - she's one of the clients I look after.

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Some are giving me presents, so I'm going to give them presents.

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-Isn't that going to cost you?

-No. I'm just re-wrapping what they've given me.

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I wouldn't want this junk.

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Oh, sometimes you make me so proud.

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What's this?

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We have caught a rare sight of Ben Harper being affectionate with one of his offspring.

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-What are you doing?

-I'm recording a Christmas video message for Nick.

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-Who?

-Nick. Your son.

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Oh, Nick, Nick, yup.

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-Hi, Nick!

-Come on, Dad.

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-At least wish him Merry Christmas.

-I don't want to be insincere.

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There must be something nice you can say.

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Well, I'll say this for him, when he said he was going to leave, he actually left, unlike you two.

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Oh, do you know what, Dad?

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Janey is now giving Dad a physical sign of what he can do to himself.

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Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!

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I haven't. They're not for you.

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The gallery is sponsoring a whole series of Christmas parties for the local playgroups.

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And guess who's had to wrap every single present?

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One of the elves?

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Yes. The same elf that's going to snap you like a twig if you don't bring her a glass of wine.

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OK, well I've got a nice bottle of red in the kitchen that goes well with meat, cheese and bitterness.

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PHONE

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Hello.

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Oh, Katie, hi.

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Yes, yes, it's all under control.

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The Santa is booked, the hall is decorated and every present is wrapped.

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Mm?

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Why do you think they need to be colour-coded?

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Yes, of course I want the children to feel special, but...

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Fff-fff-fff-fff!

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Yes, all right, Katie.

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Fine. Fine...

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Whatever.

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Here you are, my festive booze-hound.

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This'll cheer you up.

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This'll...

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Susan, I don't profess to understand this Christmas malarkey,

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but shouldn't you be leaving the unwrapping to the kids?

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Katie wants all the boys' presents wrapped in one sort of paper and all the girls' in another.

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-Yeah, that makes sense.

-No, it makes no sense, it's completely mental!

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OK. Here you are, drink this.

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-Well, that's Merlot.

-That's Merlot, that's right.

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-And we have two cases of this in the kitchen.

-No, no, no, no.

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They were supposed to deliver Shiraz.

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This is totally wrong, someone's going to have to pay for this!

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Calm, calm down, Susan, remember our golden rule -

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no matter how bad things get, we don't take it out on the wine.

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Here you are.

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-Ben?

-Mm-hm?

-You know what you always say about Christmas?

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What, that it's an overpriced rip-off and anyone stupid enough

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to celebrate it should be impaled on the end of their own Christmas tree?

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That's the one.

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Well, you're right.

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I don't know why I've been swimming against the tide all these years.

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Christmas is a complete pain in the...backside.

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Yes, go on...

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It's never-ending, it's stressful...

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And let's face it, it's never as good as you expect it to be.

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Yes. Yes...

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In fact, the whole thing is a pointless, pointless waste of time.

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That's right, Susan.

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Come to the dark side.

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-I tell you what we're going to do this year...

-Yeah?

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Absolutely...nothing.

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Oh, my darling.

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Say that again, please.

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-I mean it, Ben. I'm done with Christmas.

-Yeah, yeah.

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Come on, let's go upstairs.

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This is turning you on?

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Is that so bad?

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-No, no, it's fine.

-OK, come on.

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Hi, Nick. It's me, Janey.

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I know the last time you saw me wearing a uniform like this, I was

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sneaking out to see that guy who was into that sort of thing,

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but actually, I do have a proper job now.

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I'm a Care Worker, see?

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I have a boyfriend called Craig and he looks like this...

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He's from Australia, which means I can't chuck him or he'll just keep coming back.

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That's one of Craig's jokes.

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It's about boomerangs.

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I didn't get it at first...

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I still don't.

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Anyway, my little boy's not so little any more.

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Kenzo's just shot up - oh, he's such a great kid.

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-I'm telling you, Nick, I'm not that flighty little girl you remember.

-SMS SIGNAL

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As a matter of fact, I've been working hard to be much more...

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focused...

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Oh, that's funny!

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LOL.

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So anyway,

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I'm more focused and...

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I have a boyfriend called Craig,

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looks like this...

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he's from Australia but he just keeps...

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coming back like a boomerang...

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Oh, no.

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Oh, no, that's terrible!

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Well, could you up the medication?

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Yes, yes, I suppose that would be dangerous.

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Well, thanks for letting me know, bye.

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-Who was that?

-Mrs Woodgate.

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Ahhh. Who's Mrs Woodgate?

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Santa's wife.

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Santa's married to Mrs Woodgate?

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-What did she want?

-She called to say that Santa's been involved in an accident.

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Oh, my God! Is Rudolph all right?

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Does this face look like I'm in the mood for your jokes?

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-It's sort of difficult to tell.

-It's just one thing after another.

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Mr Woodgate was supposed to be my Father Christmas tomorrow. I mean, he was perfect...

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he was kind, jolly and really friendly.

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I know, I know - well, what happened to him?

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He shattered his pelvis in a pub fight.

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Oh, Ben, what am I going to do?

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It's all right, calm down, calm down. It's all right, we'll work something out together.

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Where am I going to find a replacement Santa at this late stage?

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I know, it's a bit of a problem.

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-Unless...

-No.

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Please, Ben, please, I'm begging you, I'm begging you!

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Whoa, whoa, let me just get this straight. You want me - me, to take part in a festival that I hate?

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Playing a character that I've never believed in and giving presents to...

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children?

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-Yes.

-No.

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Fine. Stuff you, then.

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I'll find somebody else to do it.

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Shut up!

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For God's sake, don't let Kenzo see you like that, you'll shatter his dreams on so many levels.

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-Like I care.

-Well, well, well, what a memorable Santa you're going to make!

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It's going to take every ounce of my energy to maintain any sort of dignity today.

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-Susan...

-I know!

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My trousers have fallen down.

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Well, a female Santa, downing whisky, with her trousers around her ankles.

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-Not even I could do this to the kids.

-Just give me the car keys.

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No, I'll be your Father Christmas.

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-You will?

-And your designated driver.

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Oh, my God. I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus!

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Hello, Uncle Nick. I'm Kenzo.

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I'm your nephew.

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I've been told by Mummy to speak slowly and

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not to use too many big words.

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Anyway, I don't really remember you,

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but I sort of remember the fire you started and the flood that put it out.

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Grandma and Granddad talk about you all the time.

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Well, Grandma does.

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When I asked Granddad about you he said, "There's only one Nick."

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Wait,

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actually, he said, "Thank God there's only one Nick."

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Next!

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Come on, hurry up, we haven't got all day.

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So what do you want for Christmas, little girl?

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I don't believe in Father Christmas.

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Good, works for me, go on, on your bike bye. Next!

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And so what do you want, little boy?

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-For Christmas?

-I want a bike.

-Yep.

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With 12-speed gears, a keyboard, the Battlestar Virgan Boxset, a Balloon Gyrocopter, a Stealth spy kit...

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-Can I get you another drink?

-No, thank you.

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Katie, hi.

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-How are you, boss?

-Not all together happy, to be honest with you.

-Oh.

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Your decorations are hideous.

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And the presents. Were you angry when you wrapped them or just drunk?

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-Yes.

-And we've had a few complaints about your Santa.

-Oh, well, look, he's doing his best.

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Well, just tell him to get his act together.

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He's representing the good name of the art gallery.

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Look, Katie, I know there are times when Ben can be angry,

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rude and offensive, but there many other times when he's...asleep.

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Handle the situation.

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Oh, Merry Christmas.

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Magna Builder bricks,

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-Henry Hamster, Dinosaurus Construction Kit...

-Yeah.

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-Whizz Wheel Monster Trucks.

-Look.

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-I haven't finished yet.

-Wanna bet?

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Listen, sunshine, my elves work in a toy factory, not a sweat shop, now push off. Here.

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-Can I have two?

-No.

-I'm going to tell on you.

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Listen,

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I'm Santa and I know where you live.

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Now push off. Next!

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-OK, so what's your name little girl?

-Mary.

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Mary, and what do you want for Christmas, Mary?

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Ah, no, don't tell me, you want a High School Musical DVD or an X Factor karaoke machine?

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I want my Granddad back.

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Really? Is that a board game? Because it sounds pretty boring.

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My Mummy and Granddad had a big fight and now they don't talk to each other.

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Well, sweetheart, lots of people argue, so I'm told.

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But they soon patch things up. Your granddad and mummy will be talking again soon.

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It's been two years.

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I used to see Granddad all the time.

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I really want he and my mummy to make friends again.

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Oh, sweetheart. Mary, I wish I could help, but I don't think I can.

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You can, I know you can.

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You're Father Christmas.

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Yes, of course, how about a satsuma?

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Please, Santa, please.

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Oh, please, Mary, understand.

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I've written down his name and address.

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Yeah? Listen, I'm sure if you don't see your granddad, you'll still have a lovely time.

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You'll make it all right, Santa, I know you will.

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Mary, Mary,

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you forgot your...

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..present.

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It's really bothering you, isn't it?

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Oh, you should have seen the look in her eye.

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I think I should do something to help.

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This is really strange.

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I've totally lost the spirit of Christmas and you're overwhelmed by it.

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What are the seven signs of the apocalypse again?

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I'm serious, Susan.

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I really should do something to help, you know.

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I mean, Santa does not break promises.

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You do know you're not actually Santa, don't you?

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I am to her.

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She even gave me her grandfather's address

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and I think I should go and talk to him.

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Look, you, I don't know who you are or what you've done with my husband but I want him back.

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Yeah, yeah, OK, all right, maybe you're right.

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I just wanted to do something to help a family at Christmas, but,

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maybe, I should just stay out of it.

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Yep, yep, you're right, OK, good night.

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Well, thank you very much.

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-What?

-You being all weird and human.

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You've got me worrying about the kid too.

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-You talk to the grandfather and I'll talk to the mother.

-Really?

-Yep.

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That's wonderful.

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Great. We'll start first thing in the morning.

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Good night.

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Ah, that's great.

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That's great.

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Ah, Susan.

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Susan, I love you so much.

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I do, I mean I really love you, you know.

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-And I just don't say it...

-Will you just shut up, you're freaking me out!

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Oh, hey, Nick, didn't see you there.

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Yo, Nick, whassup?

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Hi, Nick. How's it going?

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Hope things are good for you.

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I'm doing OK. I've graduated from uni with a first.

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I've got my own place now, which is cool.

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I only come round here to steal food and remind myself how lucky I am not to live here any more.

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Erm, what else?

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Oh, I'm thinking of buying a car

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and, oh, yeah, I'm gay.

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Now, I know what you're thinking,

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who drives a car in London nowadays?

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Thanks for coming round, Mr Elliott.

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-Frank.

-Frank, yes, sorry.

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Sorry to drag you all this way.

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Sounded like something worth travelling for, an inheritance.

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Yeah, we'll talk about that later.

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Uh, to be totally frank, Frank,

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I've actually dragged you round here under false pretences.

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-What?

-I actually wanted to talk to you about your granddaughter, Mary.

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-Mary?

-Yep, yep.

-Well, she's all right, isn't she?

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-Nothing's happened?

-No, no, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine.

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We had a little chat the other day, you know, she was sitting on my knee.

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No, I'm Santa, you see, I'm Santa!

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Not the real Santa because I mean, you know, Santa doesn't exist, does he? I mean...

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Well, I mean, course he does, I mean some people believe in Santa and I... Could you sit down please?

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I just want to talk to you about you granddaughter, Mary.

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Only, she's very upset that you're not talking to your daughter.

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Elaine? Well, she's only got herself to blame for that.

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She's been completely unreasonable

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just because I remarried nine months after her mother died.

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Well, you know, children can be very over-sensitive about these things.

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It wasn't helped by the fact that my wife, Julie, is only a couple of years older than Elaine.

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Really?

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You dog.

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-Can we get back to this inheritance, please?

-I'll talk to you about that later.

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-Ben!

-Ah, that'll be my first wife.

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Just, er, give me a second.

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No, no, not my second wife, because I've only got one. I'll see you in a minute.

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-Where's the mother? I thought you'd gone to get her?

-I did. She's using the loo.

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Ah, OK, OK. Did she tell you why they fell out?

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Ah, yes, I got the whole story on the way over.

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-Mmm, I know, the grandfather told me in the kitchen.

-What? He's here?

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Yeah. Ah-ah-ah, steady, steady.

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It's going to be a very delicate negotiation, Susan, so just leave it to me, OK?

0:18:090:18:13

Ben, Ben, what are you thinking?

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We agreed to see them separately, and if everything was OK, fix up a meeting between them.

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OK, so I skipped a stage, you know, forgive me for being astute.

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-Astute? It's bonkers.

-What?

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-You can't just put two people in a room and hope they get on.

-They do in prison.

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Just leave it to me, OK? I understand human nature.

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Oh, great, you've been human for six hours and now you're an expert.

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Oh, hello, you must be Elaine.

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Hello, I'm Ben.

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OK. Look, I'm a bit confused as to why I'm here.

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-Don't worry, all will be revealed in the fullness of time.

-Excuse me.

-If not sooner.

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-What's she doing here?

-Why is he here? What's this about?

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Oh, look, I'm sorry for all the subterfuge, but we thought...

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Susan, please, let me deal with this, OK?

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Er, we have heard, my wife and I, have heard for some reason

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you two are not talking and we were hoping,

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my wife and I, were hoping that in some way we could help you resolve this trivial little thing.

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-I don't think it's trivial.

-Neither do I.

-Neither do I.

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Any daughter would be upset seeing her father remarrying so soon after the death of a mother.

0:19:200:19:24

Susan, please? Thank you.

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Let me deal with it?

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It's nine months, come on, nine months.

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It's hardly the next day, is it?

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-I couldn't help it.

-No.

-I just fell in love with Julie.

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That's not love! It's lust.

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You've fallen for some peroxide blonde who is half mum's age.

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-So?

-So?

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You think that's all right?

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What's wrong with it? It's her that's being selfish and pig-headed.

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No disrespect, Elaine.

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I want him to respect my mother's memory.

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-Of course you do.

-I do respect it.

-By running off with a younger woman.

-With long, shapely legs.

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-She didn't mention anything about her legs.

-No, HE did.

0:20:000:20:03

-No, I didn't?

-Well, I'm just filling in the gaps.

0:20:030:20:06

He was just finding a little comfort to sustain him, we all deal with grief in our own way.

0:20:060:20:12

You really are a piece of work.

0:20:120:20:13

At least I don't get overheated over some minor little thing!

0:20:130:20:17

-It's not a minor little thing!

-Excuse me.

-Hello.

0:20:170:20:19

-Please, be quiet thank you, we haven't finished!

-Ben!

-Sorry.

0:20:190:20:23

-None of this has anything to do with you two.

-At least we're agreed on that.

0:20:230:20:27

I don't see why you feel you've got the right to meddle in our business.

0:20:270:20:30

Just stay out of it, will you?

0:20:300:20:32

So.

0:20:400:20:42

What's next?

0:20:420:20:43

The Middle East?

0:20:430:20:45

Oh, for goodness' sake, just get over it. So you tried and failed.

0:20:470:20:52

All I wanted to do was to be helpful and all I've ended up doing is making things worse.

0:20:520:20:58

It's a pattern that does tend to repeat.

0:20:580:21:00

Was it so wrong to do something nice for a little girl?

0:21:000:21:03

You should stick to what you know.

0:21:030:21:05

Just be yourself, a selfish, mean-spirited, self-obsessed grouch.

0:21:050:21:10

That's how you see me?

0:21:130:21:14

It's how everybody sees you.

0:21:140:21:17

Fine.

0:21:170:21:18

A mean-spirited, selfish man, huh?

0:21:180:21:22

Great.

0:21:220:21:24

I'll have you know, Susan, I am a very deep, thoughtful and sensitive

0:21:240:21:30

human being and I'm going downstairs to meditate upon that.

0:21:300:21:35

There's a new bottle of Scotch in the cupboard.

0:21:350:21:37

Thank you very much.

0:21:370:21:38

'Please Santa, you said you'd do everything you could.

0:22:280:22:32

'Don't give up now.'

0:22:320:22:35

TV: 'News just in...'

0:22:350:22:36

'Are you sure you tried everything?

0:22:370:22:39

'I don't think so.'

0:22:390:22:42

Susan! Susan! Susan! Su...

0:22:420:22:46

Don't give up now, Santa, please

0:22:460:22:49

-and please remember to put the bins out.

-What?

0:22:490:22:53

I said, "Please remember to put the bins out."

0:22:530:22:55

Are you all right?

0:22:570:22:59

Susan, you won't believe this, you won't believe this.

0:22:590:23:02

You know that little girl, little girl, Mary? She was here, she was here in this room.

0:23:020:23:05

-Did she steal anything?

-N..n-she, eh.

0:23:050:23:08

She was in the mirror there, Susan. She was in the mirror and the paper, she was in the paper and she was

0:23:080:23:12

there, she was on the television and she was standing here on the stairs!

0:23:120:23:15

-Gets about a bit, doesn't she?

-Susan, she asked for my help again.

0:23:150:23:19

Yeah, this time I'm gonna do something, yeah, gonna do... OK, first thing in the morning.

0:23:190:23:23

Ben, we've been over this.

0:23:230:23:25

You tried and you failed. Enough now.

0:23:250:23:27

Yep, I tried, I failed, but this time it's a job for someone else, someone really special.

0:23:270:23:33

Why do I get the bad feeling that it's still you?

0:23:330:23:36

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

0:23:360:23:41

# Everybod...#

0:23:410:23:43

I want a word with you.

0:23:480:23:49

I've tried being nice. I've tried being reasonable.

0:23:490:23:52

I've tried to play by the rules.

0:23:520:23:54

I was hoping common sense would prevail, but clearly I was wasting my time. So, it's gloves off.

0:23:540:24:00

No more Mr Nice Guy.

0:24:000:24:03

Blimey, Santa, you've changed.

0:24:030:24:06

I'm not here to talk. Come with me.

0:24:070:24:10

-Where are you taking me?

-For a sleigh ride. Now shut up.

0:24:100:24:14

Don't even think about it.

0:24:160:24:18

Sorry.

0:24:200:24:23

He's a bit stressed at the moment.

0:24:230:24:25

People shopping online is killing his business.

0:24:250:24:29

Now, listen to me, please.

0:24:290:24:31

I know you told me it was none of my business, but somebody's got to

0:24:310:24:35

make you pig-headed idiots to see some kind of sense.

0:24:350:24:38

It's hard to believe the Samaritans turned him down.

0:24:380:24:41

Susan, thank you. Please.

0:24:410:24:42

Now, all families argue, all families argue.

0:24:420:24:46

-Don't they, Susan?

-Oh, God, yes.

0:24:460:24:48

I don't think it's for you to tell us how to deal with our problems.

0:24:480:24:51

-Quite right.

-All right, how about this then?

0:24:510:24:54

-There's someone in the middle of all this, some little person that you've totally forgot.

-Mary.

0:24:540:25:00

Well, not totally forgot, all right, but, er, where is she in all this?

0:25:000:25:04

You know, she has her rights too, you know?

0:25:040:25:06

And she's hurting a lot, not having her grandfather about.

0:25:060:25:10

Ben's right.

0:25:100:25:11

And you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that.

0:25:110:25:15

So, for Mary's sake, why don't you two declare a truce? For Christmas.

0:25:150:25:22

You know, you don't have to mean it, just fake it! You know,

0:25:220:25:27

anything for a quiet life, that's what I say.

0:25:270:25:30

Just fake it, everybody does it. You've faked things, haven't you, Susan?

0:25:300:25:32

-More than you'll ever know.

-Yeah, let's be honest, we all...

0:25:320:25:36

Look, we've been over this so many times, there's nothing else to say.

0:25:400:25:42

Do this for Mary, or he'll only keep coming back.

0:25:420:25:45

Well, let's not rule anything out.

0:25:450:25:47

-Elaine, what do you think?

-I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk.

0:25:470:25:51

-I suppose you're right.

-I'll put the kettle on.

0:25:510:25:54

-Two sugars, please.

-Not for you, Santa.

-Mummy.

0:25:540:25:58

I'm here, sweetheart!

0:25:580:26:00

-Granddad!

-Hello, poppet.

0:26:030:26:05

Look how big you've got.

0:26:050:26:07

Santa, you did it! Thank you.

0:26:070:26:11

Granddad, are you going to be here for Christmas? Are you?

0:26:110:26:16

-I er... I don't know, um...

-I think there's a good chance.

0:26:160:26:20

For once, I'm proud of you, darling.

0:26:200:26:23

Thank you, Susan.

0:26:230:26:24

Don't get used to it.

0:26:240:26:26

You've actually done something for a bunch of strangers you've never managed to do for us,

0:26:280:26:33

you've brought a family together.

0:26:330:26:36

You know, Frank and Elaine never really thanked me.

0:26:360:26:40

Ungracious pair.

0:26:400:26:43

You didn't do it for the thanks though, did you?

0:26:430:26:46

Did you?

0:26:460:26:47

Mm, suppose not.

0:26:470:26:49

You've just demonstrated the true spirit of Christmas.

0:26:510:26:56

It's inspirational, that's what it is.

0:26:560:26:58

I'm never going to miss another Christmas.

0:26:580:27:00

-In fact, there's no reason why we should miss this one.

-No, what? No, no, no...

-Yes, yes,

0:27:000:27:04

yes, yes, I mean, look, it's not too late to get a tree, decorate

0:27:040:27:08

-the house, buy a turkey and generally have a perfect Christmas.

-Why bother?

0:27:080:27:12

Come on, darling, look, we've got everything we want here, right here.

0:27:120:27:17

We've got the box set of Sopranos

0:27:170:27:21

and two cases of Merlot in the kitchen to get through.

0:27:210:27:24

Oh, for goodness' sake.

0:27:240:27:26

Where's the fun in that?

0:27:260:27:28

Oh, well done!

0:27:280:27:30

-Hey buddy boy!

-Hello, darling!

0:27:320:27:35

Hiya, Mick.

0:27:350:27:36

-Nick.

-Who?

0:27:360:27:39

-What did I say?

-You said... No, you said, you said Mick.

0:27:390:27:42

-Did I?

-Yes! You said Mick!

0:27:420:27:45

Darling, hope you're happy, wherever you are, whatever you're doing

0:27:470:27:54

-and I just, um... hope you keep in touch, you will keep in touch.

-Shh, no,

0:27:540:27:59

-but when she says...

-What?

0:27:590:28:02

When she says, "Keep in touch", she didn't mean that's an invitation to come home.

0:28:020:28:07

No, but we want to see you sometime.

0:28:090:28:11

-Merry Christmas, darling, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas!

0:28:210:28:24

And a very Ha-ha-ha-happy New Year!

0:28:240:28:28

Yeah, whatever.

0:28:280:28:30

Ben! Ben!

0:28:300:28:31

All right, let's have a look at the old X-rays, shall we?

0:28:350:28:39

Mmmm...

0:28:390:28:41

Has anyone ever told you you look like that guy off the TV?

0:28:410:28:45

Rolf Harris?

0:28:450:28:47

No, no. He used to do that show with sick animals.

0:28:470:28:51

Yeah, that's me, Rolf Harris.

0:28:510:28:53

No, he, no, it's a different accent. And he had a beard.

0:28:530:28:56

Well, I've always had a beard, I've always been Rolf Harris.

0:28:560:29:00

No! Not really.

0:29:000:29:02

You're, you're Rolf Harris?

0:29:020:29:04

Beginning to wish I wasn't.

0:29:040:29:07

Oh, fantastic.

0:29:070:29:09

So, what brings you to our humble surgery?

0:29:090:29:11

My reputation as a consummate professional? Oops, sorry.

0:29:110:29:15

No, it's just that your surgery was the only one open on Boxing Day.

0:29:150:29:19

Works for me. Right, so,

0:29:200:29:23

-little toothache, eh?

-Oh, I'm in terrible pain. What I think's happened is...

0:29:250:29:30

Yeah, I think I'll do the diagnosing if you don't mind.

0:29:300:29:33

I don't come over to your place and teach you how to sing, do I?

0:29:330:29:37

Or paint.

0:29:370:29:39

Or present TV shows.

0:29:400:29:42

Actually, come to that, shouldn't you have settled on a career by now?

0:29:420:29:47

-So, can you tell what it is yet?

-Can you tell what it is yet! I love that!

0:29:470:29:52

No, I'm serious. Can you tell what it is yet?

0:29:530:29:55

Yes, uh, yes, you've got a cuspal fracture of the sixth molar.

0:29:550:30:00

-What does that mean?

-I'm buying a new boat.

0:30:000:30:04

-I'll pop in a temporary filling but you'll have to come back in a few days.

-OK.

0:30:040:30:09

Yeah, you know that programme of yours?

0:30:090:30:12

-Fantastic, fantastic programme, Animal Hospital?

-Yeah.

0:30:120:30:15

Yeah, it's very good, actually inspired a friend of mine to work with animals.

0:30:150:30:20

-He became a vet?

-No, a butcher.

0:30:200:30:22

-Yeah, I paint myself, you know.

-Really?

-Mmm hmm. Did up the spare bedroom last week.

0:30:250:30:30

Oh, once I start, I'm on fire.

0:30:300:30:33

Is this going to take long?

0:30:330:30:35

No, no, easy procedure.

0:30:350:30:37

I can do this with my eyes closed.

0:30:370:30:39

How about with the mouth closed?

0:30:390:30:42

OK. It's always the same, with you lot, isn't it?

0:30:420:30:44

-What?

-You so-called nice celebrities.

0:30:440:30:47

You should have heard what Michael Palin once said.

0:30:470:30:49

OK, I forgot the novocaine, but, you know, that's no excuse.

0:30:490:30:53

-Is there any chance of, um...?

-OK, fine, fine.

0:30:530:30:56

I won't say another word.

0:30:580:31:00

# Two little boys had two little toys

0:31:040:31:07

# Each had a wooden horse...

0:31:070:31:11

Look, I've had enough of this.

0:31:110:31:13

-It's your song!

-Is there any chance of putting me under?

0:31:130:31:16

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not necessary with this procedure.

0:31:160:31:19

It's not for the procedure.

0:31:190:31:21

Hello, darling, how was your day?

0:31:250:31:27

I made it out alive. How was yours?

0:31:270:31:30

What's the matter?

0:31:310:31:34

I haven't cooked anything, if that's what you're implying.

0:31:340:31:36

No, it's worse than that. You want something.

0:31:360:31:40

-What are you talking about?

-I know you, Susan, and I know when you want something, so come on, out with it.

0:31:400:31:45

-What is it?

-You're being ridiculous.

0:31:450:31:47

-Are you sure?

-Yes, I'm sure you're being ridiculous.

0:31:470:31:50

We'll see.

0:31:530:31:54

Stop it, Ben.

0:31:570:31:59

I said stop it.

0:32:000:32:03

I want to have a party!

0:32:070:32:08

-Ha! I knew it! What, a party?

-Yes, yes, yes, a New Year's Eve party!

0:32:080:32:12

A great big bash with drunken revelry and a big crowd!

0:32:120:32:17

Well, what's wrong with our usual drunken revelry and just me?

0:32:170:32:21

The answer's in the question.

0:32:210:32:23

Come on, parties are poor excuses for sponging, social ingrates to gorge on food and get drunk.

0:32:230:32:31

-Yes. How on earth will you fit in?

-I'm sorry,

0:32:310:32:33

-it's out of the question.

-Oh, please, Ben, I really need this party right now.

0:32:330:32:37

It would be such fun. We could have, we could have live music.

0:32:370:32:41

-No.

-A catered meal.

0:32:410:32:42

-No.

-Cases of champagne.

0:32:420:32:45

Cases? Are you serious?

0:32:450:32:47

I made a list of all the people in the neighbourhood I'd like to invite.

0:32:470:32:51

This is the same list as the people I want dead.

0:32:510:32:54

No, no, this one's slightly shorter.

0:32:540:32:56

Casey, why is my next door nemesis on this list?

0:32:560:33:00

-Because this year, I'd like you to build a bridge with Mr Casey.

-Only if he can be in the foundations.

0:33:000:33:06

Sorry, Susan, forget it. If you want a party with Casey, it'll be over my dead body.

0:33:060:33:11

I love it when you leave me a loophole.

0:33:120:33:14

-OK, Mum. I came straight over. What's up?

-Ah, here, take this box of your things.

0:33:180:33:25

That's it?

0:33:250:33:26

You told me Dad was in hospital.

0:33:260:33:29

If you did things when I asked, I wouldn't have to do things like that.

0:33:290:33:34

You cleaned out my room?

0:33:340:33:36

Oh, my God, you didn't find my...

0:33:360:33:39

-What?

-Nothing.

0:33:390:33:42

So, this is the last of it, then?

0:33:420:33:46

The final remnants of my 20 years in this house.

0:33:460:33:50

This box symbolises my arrival into adulthood.

0:33:500:33:54

Hey, who broke my Action Man?

0:33:540:33:57

Sorry, Michael. I'm getting things ready for our New Year's Eve party. Will you and Scott be coming?

0:33:570:34:02

-Uh, I don't know yet.

-Oh, please, you only bring him round five minutes at a time. Are you embarrassed by us?

0:34:020:34:07

Of course not.

0:34:070:34:09

-See you at ten to twelve.

-I'm home!

0:34:090:34:12

Make that five to twelve.

0:34:120:34:14

Welcome home. May I tempt you to a vol-au-vent?

0:34:160:34:19

I've had a hard day, Susan, let me decompress first before you kill off another taste bud.

0:34:190:34:25

No, no, no, you'll like this.

0:34:250:34:27

Food samples from three different caterers.

0:34:270:34:29

-I can't decide which one to choose.

-I can, cheapest one wins. OK, next?

0:34:290:34:33

Right, these are the party invitations.

0:34:330:34:37

I need your approval and by your approval say you like them.

0:34:370:34:39

-Embossed, engraved on vellum?!

-DOORBELL

0:34:390:34:44

Why don't we just print one and get them to circulate it?

0:34:450:34:48

Mr Casey. What a nice surprise.

0:34:480:34:50

Casey?! I do not want that twisted pygmy in thi...

0:34:500:34:54

-Oh, you're already in. Good.

-Mr Casey, what can we do for you?

0:34:540:34:57

Her Majesty's postal employee mistakenly delivered your post to me.

0:34:570:35:01

It's a magazine for one Ben Harper.

0:35:010:35:05

Must be my New Scientist, I love those insightful, intellectual articles.

0:35:050:35:08

No, it's Nuts.

0:35:080:35:11

Their super-annual, extra-bouncy issue.

0:35:110:35:13

Thank you, Casey, good, lovely, thank you.

0:35:130:35:15

You've done your good deed for the day now off you go, under your bridge.

0:35:150:35:18

-But first, have an invitation to our New Year's Eve party.

-New Year's Eve party? Oh, dear.

0:35:180:35:22

-Oh, really, got something else planned?

-Yes, I have.

-Oh, shame.

0:35:220:35:25

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Yes, tragic.

0:35:250:35:28

I'm holding my own neighbourhood New Year's Eve party. I've been throwing it for 11 years now.

0:35:280:35:32

-11 years? How come we've never heard of it then?

-Hm, it must have been an oversight.

0:35:320:35:37

Really. Well, why don't you do your do another night.

0:35:370:35:40

And when do you suggest I hold a New Year's Eve Party, dum-dum? Guy Fawkes' Night?

0:35:400:35:45

-Why don't you just shove it up your...

-Vol-au-vent?

0:35:450:35:49

-No, thank you.

-Well, this is most regrettable, Mr Casey, but we're already committed to that date.

0:35:490:35:54

Yes, and we're not going to stop it.

0:35:540:35:56

In fact, we're going to invite the entire neighbourhood. OK?

0:35:560:36:00

So may the best party win, Casey!

0:36:000:36:02

If it's down to the best party winning, Harper, I think we all know whose it will be.

0:36:020:36:07

Ho-ho, yes. We do.

0:36:070:36:09

It'll be his, won't it?

0:36:110:36:13

Susan?

0:36:160:36:18

A-ha!

0:36:180:36:21

I am about to make you very happy.

0:36:210:36:26

-Oh, really.

-With a little help from Ainsley Harriott.

0:36:260:36:32

I'm game if you are.

0:36:320:36:34

What? No, no...you!

0:36:340:36:37

A friend of mine knows Ainsley Harriott, right, and he says he'll

0:36:370:36:43

cater for private do's if the price is right. Can you believe it?

0:36:430:36:46

-All except the part where you have a mate.

-No, no,

0:36:460:36:51

he's a patient, but the Ainsley Harriott part is true.

0:36:510:36:53

Can you believe it, Susan, please, come on.

0:36:530:36:55

A live jazz band, private chef, fireworks display, it'll put our party out of Casey's reach.

0:36:550:37:01

It might put our overdraft out of reach too.

0:37:010:37:03

I keep telling you, darling, money is no object.

0:37:030:37:06

-Are you feeling all right?

-Never better.

0:37:060:37:09

You know what, I was thinking of booking the London Philharmonic

0:37:090:37:13

but I just, don't want to rub Casey's nose in it. What's that?

0:37:130:37:16

It's Casey's house.

0:37:190:37:21

A lorry just pulled up.

0:37:210:37:23

-It's from Harrods!

-Right. That's it. We're booking the Philharmonic.

0:37:230:37:27

Ben, you don't even know what he's brought in.

0:37:270:37:29

Well, we'll soon find out.

0:37:290:37:31

OK, let's have a look.

0:37:310:37:34

Come on, Casey, let's see your goodies.

0:37:340:37:38

Yes?

0:37:380:37:40

I'm not signing that!

0:37:420:37:44

Well? Did you see his goodies?

0:37:480:37:51

'Fraid so.

0:37:510:37:52

Oh, I love watching you work, Ainsley.

0:37:540:37:57

The way you sift and knead and puree.

0:37:570:38:01

It just takes my breath away.

0:38:010:38:02

Ah, that's very kind of you, Susan, but, er, could you not slobber on my dumplings?

0:38:020:38:09

Oh, darling, that smells wonderful!

0:38:090:38:14

-I didn't cook it.

-I wasn't talking to you. Hello!

-Hello!

0:38:140:38:17

I can't believe Ainsley Harriott is cooking in my kitchen.

0:38:170:38:21

No, neither can the kitchen.

0:38:210:38:23

Do you know, I can actually hear the pots sighing with relief.

0:38:230:38:26

And what are you, Susan? Can't cook? Won't cook?

0:38:260:38:29

Shouldn't cook.

0:38:290:38:32

-What's he like, eh?

-You don't want to know.

0:38:330:38:38

Ooh, I love caviar.

0:38:400:38:43

We have some paprika if you need it.

0:38:450:38:47

Paprika?

0:38:470:38:49

You don't put paprika on caviar, Susan.

0:38:490:38:52

-Never?

-Never.

0:38:520:38:54

-Big mistake.

-Best before 2003?

0:38:540:38:56

Oh, that's a mistake too.

0:38:580:39:00

OK, guys, come through, that's lovely.

0:39:000:39:02

Yeah, just put that in the kitchen, that can go in the garage.

0:39:020:39:07

You can keep that there. Oh, hi, guys!

0:39:070:39:10

Piano's over there, out of tune, but do your best.

0:39:100:39:12

Ben, listen. I think you'd better take a look at tonight's RSVP list.

0:39:120:39:17

Yeah, yeah. Roger Bailey Jr.

0:39:170:39:20

That's it? There's no-one else?

0:39:200:39:22

No-one else replied.

0:39:220:39:23

And Roger's only a maybe.

0:39:230:39:25

It depends on whether he gets lucky at his bell ringing concert.

0:39:250:39:29

He says those events have a sexually charged atmosphere.

0:39:290:39:33

-So, no-one else is coming to our party?

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

0:39:340:39:38

-I would say NO ONE'S COMING TO OUR PARTY!

-Hey, Mum!

0:39:380:39:42

- G'day, guys! - Craig, Janey.

0:39:420:39:44

-Thank God you're here.

-Hi!

-You are coming to our party, right?

0:39:440:39:46

Well, we talked about it, but to be honest your crowd seems a bit old...

0:39:460:39:51

Fashioned... Fun.

0:39:510:39:53

-Old-fashioned fun.

-Yeah.

0:39:530:39:56

Yeah. I see.

0:39:560:39:58

Aw, look at his sad little face, Janey.

0:39:580:40:00

Don't worry, Ben-O. We'll be there.

0:40:000:40:03

Yeah? Are you sure? Good old Craig, he'll be there, you'll be there!

0:40:030:40:05

And Janey, bring all your mates, all your mates OK?

0:40:050:40:08

Bazzer, Shazzer, Jezzer, Mezzer.

0:40:080:40:10

They are all people, right?

0:40:100:40:12

Yes, Dad, yes. They're the same people you kicked out last time I had them round.

0:40:120:40:15

-Well, they were probably making a lot of noise.

-It was my 12th birthday party.

0:40:150:40:20

We hadn't even cut the cake.

0:40:200:40:22

Now you know why we never have parties.

0:40:220:40:25

No worries, Ben-O.

0:40:250:40:27

-Whatever you need, we're there for you.

-Few things you can do.

0:40:270:40:30

A little thing, you can let off a few fireworks at midnight, OK?

0:40:300:40:35

I think I can handle that, Ben-O!

0:40:350:40:38

And listen, be sure not to hold back, all right.

0:40:380:40:40

I want the whole neighbourhood to know that it's the biggest party in town!

0:40:400:40:44

-I want you to set it to music, all right? And synchronise it to Ride of the Valkyries.

-Ah, yeah!

0:40:440:40:50

Fantastic! Ha-ha!

0:40:500:40:52

But you've got to stand a bit close, so, you can do that for me?

0:40:520:40:55

-Sure. No worries.

-But Dad, isn't that a bit dangerous.

0:40:550:40:57

Noooooo, I'll be fine.

0:40:570:41:00

-Ben?

-Yes, darling?

0:41:010:41:03

Ohhhh, unbelievable.

0:41:030:41:07

Thank you, darling.

0:41:070:41:07

Look at that scuff on the railing!

0:41:070:41:11

-That wallaby Craig said he'd buff it up for me and... You look radiant.

-Thanks.

0:41:110:41:15

-This scuff, it really shows up.

-DOOR BELL

-A-ha, Susan!

0:41:150:41:20

Told you we needn't have worried!

0:41:200:41:21

What did we say, seven, and it's seven on the dot. Ha-ha!

0:41:210:41:24

Come in, come in, come in! Roger!

0:41:240:41:27

It's Roger!

0:41:270:41:29

Come in, Roger, it's nice to see you, come in.

0:41:290:41:32

-Hello? Ben?

-Yeah. Good to see you, you're looking good, looking good, let me take your coat for you.

0:41:320:41:36

I'm not stopping, I just popped by to say hello.

0:41:360:41:38

-I'm on my way to my bell ringing concert.

-Oh, please stay, Roger?

0:41:380:41:42

Yeah, forget the bell concert.

0:41:420:41:45

You want to try playing Silent Night without B flat and C major?

0:41:450:41:48

Good luck, my friend.

0:41:480:41:50

Plus, it's the one night of the year my bells might get some action.

0:41:500:41:56

I'll be off then. Have a good party!

0:41:580:42:01

Oh, well. Bit of a setback.

0:42:070:42:09

Setback? It's party armageddon.

0:42:090:42:13

I did everything I could to make this party a success, but there's one obstacle even I couldn't overcome.

0:42:130:42:18

-You.

-Me?

0:42:180:42:20

Well, I don't see anyone else here.

0:42:200:42:22

Which is strange, considering this is supposed to be a party!

0:42:220:42:25

Face it, Ben. Nobody's coming because nobody likes you.

0:42:250:42:29

Do not do this, we must not turn on each other. You know why?

0:42:290:42:33

-Because if I kill you, I'll be the only one at the party?

-No. The only real enemy here

0:42:330:42:37

is him, him next door.

0:42:370:42:39

Now we must focus on the positive.

0:42:390:42:40

The easy thing to do would be to say, hey, it's not our night, let's just bow out gracefully.

0:42:400:42:44

We gave this competing parties thing our best shot, but clearly we failed. Miserably.

0:42:440:42:49

As rallying speeches go, Ben, that one really sucks.

0:42:490:42:52

Let me finish, OK? Most people I know would give up right now, but not us, Susan, not us, no way.

0:42:520:42:56

We're Harpers. We are made of sterner stuff. OK, come on.

0:42:560:42:59

Where are we going?

0:42:590:43:01

-Casey's party.

-Isn't that giving in?

0:43:010:43:04

Not the way we're going to do it.

0:43:040:43:06

My God. It's better than I dreamed.

0:43:100:43:14

You mean, worse than you feared.

0:43:140:43:16

Potato, potahto.

0:43:160:43:18

Scott? Michael? What are you doing here?

0:43:180:43:22

Er, we're sabotaging Casey's party by drinking all his booze, so

0:43:220:43:27

-everyone will have to come to your party.

-They're having a party?

0:43:270:43:30

Betrayed by my own son.

0:43:300:43:33

Oops, I seem to have walked into the wrong house.

0:43:350:43:39

And mixed myself a pair of Martinis.

0:43:390:43:42

-Betrayed by my own daughter.

-Well, if it isn't Beauty and the Beast.

0:43:450:43:49

Are you going to let him talk to you like that?

0:43:490:43:50

I suppose we all knew it would come to this eventually,

0:43:500:43:53

but not even I expected you to cave in quite so soon.

0:43:530:43:56

Loathe as I am to admit it, Casey, but you certainly know how to hold a party.

0:43:560:44:00

-Thanks.

-Ooh, Melody.

0:44:000:44:03

Meet Ben and Susan.

0:44:030:44:06

This is my girlfriend, Melody.

0:44:060:44:07

His girlfriend?

0:44:070:44:09

-Well, that's surprising because we, um...

-Yes?

0:44:090:44:12

-Well, we just assumed that you were...

-Single.

0:44:120:44:15

-I mean, we had no idea you were...

-Dating.

0:44:150:44:17

Melody, dear, will you get Helga to clean up that bean dip off the hall floor?

0:44:170:44:21

So, can I get you drinks?

0:44:260:44:27

-Oh, Champagne, please.

-Mmm.

0:44:270:44:29

-me too, please.

-Two Champagnes, right.

0:44:290:44:31

-I'll just go and pop my cork and fill up your flutes.

-Whatever grabs you.

0:44:310:44:36

-Right, time to make our move.

-What are you talking about?

0:44:380:44:42

Well, this is the best party I've ever been to.

0:44:420:44:46

It's time to bring it down.

0:44:460:44:48

OK, simple sabotage, right.

0:44:510:44:54

We cut off their electricity and they make a beeline to our little soiree.

0:44:540:44:58

So we find the manhole cover, identify the mains supply,

0:44:580:45:01

get the bolt cutters from next door and cut off their power.

0:45:010:45:04

Or...

0:45:040:45:05

GUESTS GASP IN DISAPPOINTMENT We could do this.

0:45:100:45:12

OK, if you want to do it the simple way. Good work.

0:45:140:45:17

-GUESTS CHEER

-Ah.

0:45:170:45:19

Nice try, Harper, but I've got a generator.

0:45:190:45:22

What do we do now?

0:45:270:45:29

Time for Plan B.

0:45:300:45:32

Hey, that's quite a wild party next door, isn't it? Whoo, what a party!

0:45:380:45:42

And it's catered for by Ainsley Harriott.

0:45:420:45:44

Yeah, but I also heard that the fella throwing the party's a right pillock.

0:45:440:45:49

Yeah, but you can't let one man's opinion skew your own judgement.

0:45:490:45:53

Oh, no, no, everyone's saying it.

0:45:530:45:56

Well done, Ben.

0:45:560:45:58

OK, you try and do any better.

0:45:580:45:59

OK. Watch and learn.

0:45:590:46:02

Hey, guys, guys, come on, why don't you come to our party?

0:46:070:46:10

-Because you two are taking this whole thing far too seriously and it's making you crazy.

-Crazy!

0:46:100:46:15

It's not making us crazy.

0:46:150:46:17

Everybody conga!

0:46:170:46:19

Form a line and follow me!

0:46:190:46:22

Drop those dips and grab those hips!

0:46:220:46:26

Everybody conga!

0:46:260:46:29

Life is so much sweeter!

0:46:290:46:31

We've got Margaritas!

0:46:310:46:33

We've got Ainsley Harriott!

0:46:330:46:35

We've got Ainsley Harriott!

0:46:360:46:38

Arriba! Arriba! Arriba! Arriba!

0:46:400:46:43

Here we go, next door! We've got Ainsley Harriott!

0:46:560:47:00

Hey, better luck next year, Casey!

0:47:000:47:03

Curse you, Ben Harper! Argh.

0:47:030:47:06

And someone clean up that bean dip!

0:47:060:47:07

Here we come, into the house and having fun!

0:47:090:47:13

Ha, yeah, ha, that's brilliant, come on.

0:47:130:47:17

And we've got a real treat,

0:47:170:47:18

namely Ainsley Harriott!

0:47:180:47:20

Hey, Susan, you were brilliant!

0:47:200:47:23

Brilliant is what I do.

0:47:230:47:25

Come here, you.

0:47:250:47:27

This way, muchachos! This way!

0:47:270:47:31

Everybody conga, everybody conga!

0:47:310:47:37

That swine Casey has double conga'd us!

0:47:370:47:40

Mikey! Come on, Mikey, you can't leave us like this!

0:47:400:47:43

Ah, yeah, you're right.

0:47:430:47:45

Happy New Year!

0:47:450:47:47

Mikey Mikey!

0:47:470:47:49

Well, New Year's Eve and, er, thank you. Just us.

0:47:550:48:00

It's not fair, Ben.

0:48:000:48:02

We've did everything right.

0:48:020:48:04

Great food, great music.

0:48:040:48:06

But nobody's coming.

0:48:060:48:08

-KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-So, how are you guys enjoying my canapes, all right?

0:48:080:48:11

-Mmm, delicious, Ainsley.

-Oh, thank you.

0:48:110:48:14

Which is good, because we'll be enjoying the leftovers for months.

0:48:140:48:17

Well, maybe not that long.

0:48:170:48:21

Er, listen, Susan, I was wondering, if there's nothing else, you know, perhaps I could...

0:48:210:48:25

Yes, it's fine, Ainsley.

0:48:250:48:27

You can go to Casey's party.

0:48:270:48:29

Oh, this is ridiculous.

0:48:370:48:39

Well, albeit thirst-quenching.

0:48:390:48:41

Let's face it, Ben, we're done.

0:48:410:48:44

I hate to admit it, but I think you're right.

0:48:440:48:47

Oh, please, knock it off!

0:48:470:48:49

PHONE

0:48:490:48:50

Oh, no, no, no, not now, that's all I need.

0:48:550:48:58

It's the emergency surgery number.

0:48:580:49:01

I'm sorry, but Ben Harper is not available to take your call, please leave your number after the tone.

0:49:020:49:08

Rolf?

0:49:080:49:10

-Rolf Harris? Hi!

-Rolf Harris!

0:49:100:49:12

Yes! Oh, I'm sorry, what, the filling's fallen out?

0:49:140:49:17

Ah, well, does happen from time to time.

0:49:170:49:20

I'll, er, tell you what, I'll meet you over at the surgery and I can...

0:49:200:49:23

No, no! Get him here! Invite him here!

0:49:230:49:26

Why don't you come over to my house?

0:49:260:49:29

Mmm hmm, I'll give you the address.

0:49:290:49:32

Oh, and tell you what, why don't you,

0:49:320:49:34

why don't you dress up?

0:49:340:49:36

Come on in, ladies and gentlemen, please! Roll up, roll up!

0:49:380:49:41

The wonder from Down Under, for one night only, Mr Rolf Harris! Thank you! Yeah!

0:49:410:49:46

How about that, ladies and gentlemen, at great expense, we have the legend, Mr Rolf Harris!

0:49:480:49:53

Yeah, can we have Jake the Peg now?

0:49:560:49:57

-What about the tooth?

-No, no, no, I'll do it later, it's fine, fine.

0:49:570:50:01

-I'm just waiting for everyone to get here cos I work better with a crowd.

-Yeah, but I'm in pain!

0:50:010:50:04

Yeah, I know but, Rolf, we've got 18 verses of The Court of King Caractacus to get through.

0:50:040:50:10

-Listen, I'm off home.

-No, no, Rolf, Rolf, please, you'll be doing Stairway to Heaven with a whistle.

0:50:100:50:14

-I'll get me didge.

-All right, he's getting his didge, he's getting his didge, everyone!

0:50:140:50:17

Just getting the didge.

0:50:170:50:21

This must be a treat for you, eh, Craig?

0:50:210:50:24

-Rolf Harris, I mean, you must be thrilled.

-Why?

0:50:240:50:28

-He's an incredibly famous Australian.

-I've never heard of him.

0:50:280:50:31

-Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport?

-Why would you do that to a poor kangaroo?

0:50:310:50:37

It's a song.

0:50:370:50:40

-It's a cruel song.

-Craig!

0:50:400:50:42

You must be thrilled - Rolf Harris, eh?

0:50:420:50:45

Oh, don't waste your breath.

0:50:450:50:47

-Benny. The shark's in the garden.

-The sh- What?

0:50:470:50:49

-Fireworks are ready and steady, Ben-O.

-Ah, great, fireworks, great.

0:50:490:50:52

-Wait till I give the signal, OK?

-Yeah, right you are, mate.

0:50:520:50:55

Well, Harper, it seems you've outpartied me.

0:50:550:50:58

I suppose even a blind squirrel like yourself can find the occasional nut.

0:50:580:51:02

Mmm-hmm, Casey, just help yourself to some cheese.

0:51:020:51:05

Go well with your sour grapes.

0:51:050:51:07

Don't, Ben. It's not his fault. Not every party can have Rolf Harris.

0:51:070:51:10

-Rolf Harris? Really, is he here?

-Yes, Rolf Harris, he's our...

0:51:100:51:13

-Is that.. Is that Jody?

-Oh, Rolf!

0:51:130:51:15

How are you?

0:51:180:51:19

I don't believe it. You two know each other?

0:51:190:51:21

-I don't believe it. Your name's Jody?

-Jody the Roadie, he was the road manager on my first world tour.

0:51:210:51:27

-He's the only one that I would trust to handle my didgeridoo.

-I'm sure.

0:51:270:51:31

Does Melody know about this?

0:51:310:51:33

Listen, Rolf, I've still got one of your old Stylophones up in my loft.

0:51:330:51:37

Do you care to pop over and give it a tickle?

0:51:370:51:39

What a good idea, yeah, let's do it!

0:51:390:51:41

-Right!

-But Rolf, Rolf, Rolf, I'm going to do the tooth.

0:51:410:51:43

Right everybody, come on, party's moving back to my house.

0:51:430:51:46

THEY ALL CHEER

0:51:460:51:47

Come on guys. Little operation here, if you want to watch.

0:51:490:51:53

-I'm going to do it in the kitchen. Mikey! Scott, come on!

-Come on!

0:51:530:51:59

Not long to go now.

0:52:090:52:11

Yep.

0:52:110:52:13

And still no-one at our New Year's Eve party.

0:52:140:52:18

Nope.

0:52:180:52:20

Yup, 20 minutes to go.

0:52:220:52:24

You want to go up and make love?

0:52:260:52:28

Ten times?

0:52:280:52:30

-Harper.

-Go away, Casey.

-Ready to admit defeat?

0:52:350:52:39

Leave us to wallow in peace.

0:52:390:52:41

I don't enjoy this, you know,

0:52:410:52:43

this winning.

0:52:430:52:44

Well, not much anyway.

0:52:440:52:47

Just concede defeat, and you can join the festivities at my place.

0:52:470:52:51

I'd hate to think of you two losers seeing in the New Year alone.

0:52:510:52:55

-You've done it again, Ben.

-And why?

0:53:040:53:06

Because you keep inspiring me, my love.

0:53:060:53:10

You're insane. You're insane, you know that?

0:53:100:53:13

You're actually risking prison just to have a better party than me?

0:53:130:53:16

Pretty much.

0:53:160:53:17

I'll sue you for every penny you've got, even if it takes

0:53:170:53:20

-the rest of my life, I'm going to make sure that you two are...

-Sorry.

0:53:200:53:23

Couldn't quite catch that last part.

0:53:230:53:25

-KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-Here you are.

0:53:250:53:28

I thought this would be a good time for Scott to get to know you better.

0:53:280:53:30

-Or we could come back later.

-Mikey, wha...?

0:53:340:53:37

Attention, party people.

0:53:390:53:42

Black mould, repeat black mould has been discovered in Casey's house.

0:53:420:53:47

Please make your way next door where the party will conclude.

0:53:470:53:52

Please bring drinks with you, and any you can find, but please use coasters,

0:53:520:53:57

repeat, please use...

0:53:570:53:59

-Ben!

-Sorry, I just love this megaphone.

0:53:590:54:02

It's great! All right, Casey?

0:54:020:54:03

-We did it, Susan. We did it! Just a few minutes to midnight.

-I know! Nothing can ruin this party now!

0:54:080:54:14

Ooh, hang on, hang on, Craig! Craig!

0:54:140:54:17

Ahoy, Ben-O. Ripper party you've got going here, mate!

0:54:170:54:20

-Is the shark in the garden?

-What?

0:54:200:54:23

Never mind. Are the fireworks ready?

0:54:230:54:25

-Oh, yeah!

-On my command, unleash illegal Chinese fireworks!

0:54:250:54:30

I can't believe we got away with it.

0:54:340:54:36

-You really are wonderful.

-Not as wonderful as you are, my darling.

0:54:360:54:39

Oh, my God, this is it, this is it!

0:54:390:54:41

This is it, this is it! Craig, Craig, start the music!

0:54:410:54:46

-OK everybody, come through, come through.

-Everybody, come this way!

0:54:460:54:49

It's a very expensive, big display, OK?

0:54:490:54:52

Be prepared to be blown away! Go!

0:54:520:54:53

-Stop!

-Yeah, Happy New Year, mate!

0:55:200:55:23

Craig, stop, Craig, in the name of humanity, stop!

0:55:230:55:29

No, turn round, you're missing it!

0:55:300:55:33

Craig, Craig, stop!

0:55:330:55:36

Indoors? Why indoors?

0:55:380:55:40

My vol-au-vents are on fire!

0:55:400:55:44

Three, two one...

0:55:450:55:48

Happy New...

0:55:480:55:52

Oh, sod this, I'm going home.

0:55:520:55:55

FIREWORK SQUEALS

0:55:580:55:59

That has to be our most interesting New Year's Eve ever.

0:56:020:56:06

-Mmm, top five at least.

-Mmm hmm.

0:56:060:56:08

You know, despite all the money we've spent and all the damage to property,

0:56:080:56:16

personal relationships,

0:56:160:56:18

I wouldn't change a thing.

0:56:180:56:20

No.

0:56:200:56:23

Neither would I.

0:56:230:56:25

So, what do we do about these two?

0:56:280:56:32

We'll sort it out in the morning.

0:56:350:56:37

THEY START ROLF HARRIS-STYLE RHYTHMIC BREATHING

0:56:410:56:46

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:57:140:57:15

E-mail [email protected]

0:57:150:57:19

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year from the Harpers - except that Christmas does not look like being very merry for one little girl. And, whilst it may be a new year, Ben sees a chance to renew an old battle with his next-door neighbour.


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