Festive edition of the family sitcom. A young girl looks set to have a miserable Christmas, while Ben renews an old battle with his next-door neighbour.
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RADIO: 'And right now, to get us all in a party mood, here's Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody!
'# Are you hanging up the stocking on your...
-'#..time that every Santa...#'
-Shut up! Shut up!
-Usual Christmas mood, is it?
-Call me a traditionalist.
Dad, do you think Mrs Henty would like bath salts or Cornish fudge?
Who's Mrs Henty?
I'm saying that like I care.
Mrs Henty - she's one of the clients I look after.
Some are giving me presents, so I'm going to give them presents.
-Isn't that going to cost you?
-No. I'm just re-wrapping what they've given me.
I wouldn't want this junk.
Oh, sometimes you make me so proud.
We have caught a rare sight of Ben Harper being affectionate with one of his offspring.
-What are you doing?
-I'm recording a Christmas video message for Nick.
-Nick. Your son.
Oh, Nick, Nick, yup.
-Come on, Dad.
-At least wish him Merry Christmas.
-I don't want to be insincere.
There must be something nice you can say.
Well, I'll say this for him, when he said he was going to leave, he actually left, unlike you two.
Oh, do you know what, Dad?
Janey is now giving Dad a physical sign of what he can do to himself.
Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!
I haven't. They're not for you.
The gallery is sponsoring a whole series of Christmas parties for the local playgroups.
And guess who's had to wrap every single present?
One of the elves?
Yes. The same elf that's going to snap you like a twig if you don't bring her a glass of wine.
OK, well I've got a nice bottle of red in the kitchen that goes well with meat, cheese and bitterness.
Oh, Katie, hi.
Yes, yes, it's all under control.
The Santa is booked, the hall is decorated and every present is wrapped.
Why do you think they need to be colour-coded?
Yes, of course I want the children to feel special, but...
Yes, all right, Katie.
Here you are, my festive booze-hound.
This'll cheer you up.
Susan, I don't profess to understand this Christmas malarkey,
but shouldn't you be leaving the unwrapping to the kids?
Katie wants all the boys' presents wrapped in one sort of paper and all the girls' in another.
-Yeah, that makes sense.
-No, it makes no sense, it's completely mental!
OK. Here you are, drink this.
-Well, that's Merlot.
-That's Merlot, that's right.
-And we have two cases of this in the kitchen.
-No, no, no, no.
They were supposed to deliver Shiraz.
This is totally wrong, someone's going to have to pay for this!
Calm, calm down, Susan, remember our golden rule -
no matter how bad things get, we don't take it out on the wine.
Here you are.
-You know what you always say about Christmas?
What, that it's an overpriced rip-off and anyone stupid enough
to celebrate it should be impaled on the end of their own Christmas tree?
That's the one.
Well, you're right.
I don't know why I've been swimming against the tide all these years.
Christmas is a complete pain in the...backside.
Yes, go on...
It's never-ending, it's stressful...
And let's face it, it's never as good as you expect it to be.
In fact, the whole thing is a pointless, pointless waste of time.
That's right, Susan.
Come to the dark side.
-I tell you what we're going to do this year...
Oh, my darling.
Say that again, please.
-I mean it, Ben. I'm done with Christmas.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
This is turning you on?
Is that so bad?
-No, no, it's fine.
-OK, come on.
Hi, Nick. It's me, Janey.
I know the last time you saw me wearing a uniform like this, I was
sneaking out to see that guy who was into that sort of thing,
but actually, I do have a proper job now.
I'm a Care Worker, see?
I have a boyfriend called Craig and he looks like this...
He's from Australia, which means I can't chuck him or he'll just keep coming back.
That's one of Craig's jokes.
It's about boomerangs.
I didn't get it at first...
I still don't.
Anyway, my little boy's not so little any more.
Kenzo's just shot up - oh, he's such a great kid.
-I'm telling you, Nick, I'm not that flighty little girl you remember.
As a matter of fact, I've been working hard to be much more...
Oh, that's funny!
I'm more focused and...
I have a boyfriend called Craig,
looks like this...
he's from Australia but he just keeps...
coming back like a boomerang...
Oh, no, that's terrible!
Well, could you up the medication?
Yes, yes, I suppose that would be dangerous.
Well, thanks for letting me know, bye.
-Who was that?
Ahhh. Who's Mrs Woodgate?
Santa's married to Mrs Woodgate?
-What did she want?
-She called to say that Santa's been involved in an accident.
Oh, my God! Is Rudolph all right?
Does this face look like I'm in the mood for your jokes?
-It's sort of difficult to tell.
-It's just one thing after another.
Mr Woodgate was supposed to be my Father Christmas tomorrow. I mean, he was perfect...
he was kind, jolly and really friendly.
I know, I know - well, what happened to him?
He shattered his pelvis in a pub fight.
Oh, Ben, what am I going to do?
It's all right, calm down, calm down. It's all right, we'll work something out together.
Where am I going to find a replacement Santa at this late stage?
I know, it's a bit of a problem.
Please, Ben, please, I'm begging you, I'm begging you!
Whoa, whoa, let me just get this straight. You want me - me, to take part in a festival that I hate?
Playing a character that I've never believed in and giving presents to...
Fine. Stuff you, then.
I'll find somebody else to do it.
For God's sake, don't let Kenzo see you like that, you'll shatter his dreams on so many levels.
-Like I care.
-Well, well, well, what a memorable Santa you're going to make!
It's going to take every ounce of my energy to maintain any sort of dignity today.
My trousers have fallen down.
Well, a female Santa, downing whisky, with her trousers around her ankles.
-Not even I could do this to the kids.
-Just give me the car keys.
No, I'll be your Father Christmas.
-And your designated driver.
Oh, my God. I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus!
Hello, Uncle Nick. I'm Kenzo.
I'm your nephew.
I've been told by Mummy to speak slowly and
not to use too many big words.
Anyway, I don't really remember you,
but I sort of remember the fire you started and the flood that put it out.
Grandma and Granddad talk about you all the time.
Well, Grandma does.
When I asked Granddad about you he said, "There's only one Nick."
actually, he said, "Thank God there's only one Nick."
Come on, hurry up, we haven't got all day.
So what do you want for Christmas, little girl?
I don't believe in Father Christmas.
Good, works for me, go on, on your bike bye. Next!
And so what do you want, little boy?
-I want a bike.
With 12-speed gears, a keyboard, the Battlestar Virgan Boxset, a Balloon Gyrocopter, a Stealth spy kit...
-Can I get you another drink?
-No, thank you.
-How are you, boss?
-Not all together happy, to be honest with you.
Your decorations are hideous.
And the presents. Were you angry when you wrapped them or just drunk?
-And we've had a few complaints about your Santa.
-Oh, well, look, he's doing his best.
Well, just tell him to get his act together.
He's representing the good name of the art gallery.
Look, Katie, I know there are times when Ben can be angry,
rude and offensive, but there many other times when he's...asleep.
Handle the situation.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Magna Builder bricks,
-Henry Hamster, Dinosaurus Construction Kit...
-Whizz Wheel Monster Trucks.
-I haven't finished yet.
Listen, sunshine, my elves work in a toy factory, not a sweat shop, now push off. Here.
-Can I have two?
-I'm going to tell on you.
I'm Santa and I know where you live.
Now push off. Next!
-OK, so what's your name little girl?
Mary, and what do you want for Christmas, Mary?
Ah, no, don't tell me, you want a High School Musical DVD or an X Factor karaoke machine?
I want my Granddad back.
Really? Is that a board game? Because it sounds pretty boring.
My Mummy and Granddad had a big fight and now they don't talk to each other.
Well, sweetheart, lots of people argue, so I'm told.
But they soon patch things up. Your granddad and mummy will be talking again soon.
It's been two years.
I used to see Granddad all the time.
I really want he and my mummy to make friends again.
Oh, sweetheart. Mary, I wish I could help, but I don't think I can.
You can, I know you can.
You're Father Christmas.
Yes, of course, how about a satsuma?
Please, Santa, please.
Oh, please, Mary, understand.
I've written down his name and address.
Yeah? Listen, I'm sure if you don't see your granddad, you'll still have a lovely time.
You'll make it all right, Santa, I know you will.
you forgot your...
It's really bothering you, isn't it?
Oh, you should have seen the look in her eye.
I think I should do something to help.
This is really strange.
I've totally lost the spirit of Christmas and you're overwhelmed by it.
What are the seven signs of the apocalypse again?
I'm serious, Susan.
I really should do something to help, you know.
I mean, Santa does not break promises.
You do know you're not actually Santa, don't you?
I am to her.
She even gave me her grandfather's address
and I think I should go and talk to him.
Look, you, I don't know who you are or what you've done with my husband but I want him back.
Yeah, yeah, OK, all right, maybe you're right.
I just wanted to do something to help a family at Christmas, but,
maybe, I should just stay out of it.
Yep, yep, you're right, OK, good night.
Well, thank you very much.
-You being all weird and human.
You've got me worrying about the kid too.
-You talk to the grandfather and I'll talk to the mother.
Great. We'll start first thing in the morning.
Ah, that's great.
Susan, I love you so much.
I do, I mean I really love you, you know.
-And I just don't say it...
-Will you just shut up, you're freaking me out!
Oh, hey, Nick, didn't see you there.
Yo, Nick, whassup?
Hi, Nick. How's it going?
Hope things are good for you.
I'm doing OK. I've graduated from uni with a first.
I've got my own place now, which is cool.
I only come round here to steal food and remind myself how lucky I am not to live here any more.
Erm, what else?
Oh, I'm thinking of buying a car
and, oh, yeah, I'm gay.
Now, I know what you're thinking,
who drives a car in London nowadays?
Thanks for coming round, Mr Elliott.
-Frank, yes, sorry.
Sorry to drag you all this way.
Sounded like something worth travelling for, an inheritance.
Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
Uh, to be totally frank, Frank,
I've actually dragged you round here under false pretences.
-I actually wanted to talk to you about your granddaughter, Mary.
-Well, she's all right, isn't she?
-No, no, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine.
We had a little chat the other day, you know, she was sitting on my knee.
No, I'm Santa, you see, I'm Santa!
Not the real Santa because I mean, you know, Santa doesn't exist, does he? I mean...
Well, I mean, course he does, I mean some people believe in Santa and I... Could you sit down please?
I just want to talk to you about you granddaughter, Mary.
Only, she's very upset that you're not talking to your daughter.
Elaine? Well, she's only got herself to blame for that.
She's been completely unreasonable
just because I remarried nine months after her mother died.
Well, you know, children can be very over-sensitive about these things.
It wasn't helped by the fact that my wife, Julie, is only a couple of years older than Elaine.
-Can we get back to this inheritance, please?
-I'll talk to you about that later.
-Ah, that'll be my first wife.
Just, er, give me a second.
No, no, not my second wife, because I've only got one. I'll see you in a minute.
-Where's the mother? I thought you'd gone to get her?
-I did. She's using the loo.
Ah, OK, OK. Did she tell you why they fell out?
Ah, yes, I got the whole story on the way over.
-Mmm, I know, the grandfather told me in the kitchen.
-What? He's here?
Yeah. Ah-ah-ah, steady, steady.
It's going to be a very delicate negotiation, Susan, so just leave it to me, OK?
Ben, Ben, what are you thinking?
We agreed to see them separately, and if everything was OK, fix up a meeting between them.
OK, so I skipped a stage, you know, forgive me for being astute.
-Astute? It's bonkers.
-You can't just put two people in a room and hope they get on.
-They do in prison.
Just leave it to me, OK? I understand human nature.
Oh, great, you've been human for six hours and now you're an expert.
Oh, hello, you must be Elaine.
Hello, I'm Ben.
OK. Look, I'm a bit confused as to why I'm here.
-Don't worry, all will be revealed in the fullness of time.
-If not sooner.
-What's she doing here?
-Why is he here? What's this about?
Oh, look, I'm sorry for all the subterfuge, but we thought...
Susan, please, let me deal with this, OK?
Er, we have heard, my wife and I, have heard for some reason
you two are not talking and we were hoping,
my wife and I, were hoping that in some way we could help you resolve this trivial little thing.
-I don't think it's trivial.
-Neither do I.
-Neither do I.
Any daughter would be upset seeing her father remarrying so soon after the death of a mother.
Susan, please? Thank you.
Let me deal with it?
It's nine months, come on, nine months.
It's hardly the next day, is it?
-I couldn't help it.
-I just fell in love with Julie.
That's not love! It's lust.
You've fallen for some peroxide blonde who is half mum's age.
You think that's all right?
What's wrong with it? It's her that's being selfish and pig-headed.
No disrespect, Elaine.
I want him to respect my mother's memory.
-Of course you do.
-I do respect it.
-By running off with a younger woman.
-With long, shapely legs.
-She didn't mention anything about her legs.
-No, HE did.
-No, I didn't?
-Well, I'm just filling in the gaps.
He was just finding a little comfort to sustain him, we all deal with grief in our own way.
You really are a piece of work.
At least I don't get overheated over some minor little thing!
-It's not a minor little thing!
-Please, be quiet thank you, we haven't finished!
-None of this has anything to do with you two.
-At least we're agreed on that.
I don't see why you feel you've got the right to meddle in our business.
Just stay out of it, will you?
The Middle East?
Oh, for goodness' sake, just get over it. So you tried and failed.
All I wanted to do was to be helpful and all I've ended up doing is making things worse.
It's a pattern that does tend to repeat.
Was it so wrong to do something nice for a little girl?
You should stick to what you know.
Just be yourself, a selfish, mean-spirited, self-obsessed grouch.
That's how you see me?
It's how everybody sees you.
A mean-spirited, selfish man, huh?
I'll have you know, Susan, I am a very deep, thoughtful and sensitive
human being and I'm going downstairs to meditate upon that.
There's a new bottle of Scotch in the cupboard.
Thank you very much.
'Please Santa, you said you'd do everything you could.
'Don't give up now.'
TV: 'News just in...'
'Are you sure you tried everything?
'I don't think so.'
Susan! Susan! Susan! Su...
Don't give up now, Santa, please
-and please remember to put the bins out.
I said, "Please remember to put the bins out."
Are you all right?
Susan, you won't believe this, you won't believe this.
You know that little girl, little girl, Mary? She was here, she was here in this room.
-Did she steal anything?
She was in the mirror there, Susan. She was in the mirror and the paper, she was in the paper and she was
there, she was on the television and she was standing here on the stairs!
-Gets about a bit, doesn't she?
-Susan, she asked for my help again.
Yeah, this time I'm gonna do something, yeah, gonna do... OK, first thing in the morning.
Ben, we've been over this.
You tried and you failed. Enough now.
Yep, I tried, I failed, but this time it's a job for someone else, someone really special.
Why do I get the bad feeling that it's still you?
# So here it is, Merry Christmas
I want a word with you.
I've tried being nice. I've tried being reasonable.
I've tried to play by the rules.
I was hoping common sense would prevail, but clearly I was wasting my time. So, it's gloves off.
No more Mr Nice Guy.
Blimey, Santa, you've changed.
I'm not here to talk. Come with me.
-Where are you taking me?
-For a sleigh ride. Now shut up.
Don't even think about it.
He's a bit stressed at the moment.
People shopping online is killing his business.
Now, listen to me, please.
I know you told me it was none of my business, but somebody's got to
make you pig-headed idiots to see some kind of sense.
It's hard to believe the Samaritans turned him down.
Susan, thank you. Please.
Now, all families argue, all families argue.
-Don't they, Susan?
-Oh, God, yes.
I don't think it's for you to tell us how to deal with our problems.
-All right, how about this then?
-There's someone in the middle of all this, some little person that you've totally forgot.
Well, not totally forgot, all right, but, er, where is she in all this?
You know, she has her rights too, you know?
And she's hurting a lot, not having her grandfather about.
And you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that.
So, for Mary's sake, why don't you two declare a truce? For Christmas.
You know, you don't have to mean it, just fake it! You know,
anything for a quiet life, that's what I say.
Just fake it, everybody does it. You've faked things, haven't you, Susan?
-More than you'll ever know.
-Yeah, let's be honest, we all...
Look, we've been over this so many times, there's nothing else to say.
Do this for Mary, or he'll only keep coming back.
Well, let's not rule anything out.
-Elaine, what do you think?
-I suppose it wouldn't hurt to talk.
-I suppose you're right.
-I'll put the kettle on.
-Two sugars, please.
-Not for you, Santa.
I'm here, sweetheart!
Look how big you've got.
Santa, you did it! Thank you.
Granddad, are you going to be here for Christmas? Are you?
-I er... I don't know, um...
-I think there's a good chance.
For once, I'm proud of you, darling.
Thank you, Susan.
Don't get used to it.
You've actually done something for a bunch of strangers you've never managed to do for us,
you've brought a family together.
You know, Frank and Elaine never really thanked me.
You didn't do it for the thanks though, did you?
Mm, suppose not.
You've just demonstrated the true spirit of Christmas.
It's inspirational, that's what it is.
I'm never going to miss another Christmas.
-In fact, there's no reason why we should miss this one.
-No, what? No, no, no...
yes, yes, I mean, look, it's not too late to get a tree, decorate
-the house, buy a turkey and generally have a perfect Christmas.
Come on, darling, look, we've got everything we want here, right here.
We've got the box set of Sopranos
and two cases of Merlot in the kitchen to get through.
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Where's the fun in that?
Oh, well done!
-Hey buddy boy!
-What did I say?
-You said... No, you said, you said Mick.
-Yes! You said Mick!
Darling, hope you're happy, wherever you are, whatever you're doing
-and I just, um... hope you keep in touch, you will keep in touch.
-but when she says...
When she says, "Keep in touch", she didn't mean that's an invitation to come home.
No, but we want to see you sometime.
-Merry Christmas, darling, Merry Christmas.
And a very Ha-ha-ha-happy New Year!
All right, let's have a look at the old X-rays, shall we?
Has anyone ever told you you look like that guy off the TV?
No, no. He used to do that show with sick animals.
Yeah, that's me, Rolf Harris.
No, he, no, it's a different accent. And he had a beard.
Well, I've always had a beard, I've always been Rolf Harris.
No! Not really.
You're, you're Rolf Harris?
Beginning to wish I wasn't.
So, what brings you to our humble surgery?
My reputation as a consummate professional? Oops, sorry.
No, it's just that your surgery was the only one open on Boxing Day.
Works for me. Right, so,
-little toothache, eh?
-Oh, I'm in terrible pain. What I think's happened is...
Yeah, I think I'll do the diagnosing if you don't mind.
I don't come over to your place and teach you how to sing, do I?
Or present TV shows.
Actually, come to that, shouldn't you have settled on a career by now?
-So, can you tell what it is yet?
-Can you tell what it is yet! I love that!
No, I'm serious. Can you tell what it is yet?
Yes, uh, yes, you've got a cuspal fracture of the sixth molar.
-What does that mean?
-I'm buying a new boat.
-I'll pop in a temporary filling but you'll have to come back in a few days.
Yeah, you know that programme of yours?
-Fantastic, fantastic programme, Animal Hospital?
Yeah, it's very good, actually inspired a friend of mine to work with animals.
-He became a vet?
-No, a butcher.
-Yeah, I paint myself, you know.
-Mmm hmm. Did up the spare bedroom last week.
Oh, once I start, I'm on fire.
Is this going to take long?
No, no, easy procedure.
I can do this with my eyes closed.
How about with the mouth closed?
OK. It's always the same, with you lot, isn't it?
-You so-called nice celebrities.
You should have heard what Michael Palin once said.
OK, I forgot the novocaine, but, you know, that's no excuse.
-Is there any chance of, um...?
-OK, fine, fine.
I won't say another word.
# Two little boys had two little toys
# Each had a wooden horse...
Look, I've had enough of this.
-It's your song!
-Is there any chance of putting me under?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not necessary with this procedure.
It's not for the procedure.
Hello, darling, how was your day?
I made it out alive. How was yours?
What's the matter?
I haven't cooked anything, if that's what you're implying.
No, it's worse than that. You want something.
-What are you talking about?
-I know you, Susan, and I know when you want something, so come on, out with it.
-What is it?
-You're being ridiculous.
-Are you sure?
-Yes, I'm sure you're being ridiculous.
Stop it, Ben.
I said stop it.
I want to have a party!
-Ha! I knew it! What, a party?
-Yes, yes, yes, a New Year's Eve party!
A great big bash with drunken revelry and a big crowd!
Well, what's wrong with our usual drunken revelry and just me?
The answer's in the question.
Come on, parties are poor excuses for sponging, social ingrates to gorge on food and get drunk.
-Yes. How on earth will you fit in?
-it's out of the question.
-Oh, please, Ben, I really need this party right now.
It would be such fun. We could have, we could have live music.
-A catered meal.
-Cases of champagne.
Cases? Are you serious?
I made a list of all the people in the neighbourhood I'd like to invite.
This is the same list as the people I want dead.
No, no, this one's slightly shorter.
Casey, why is my next door nemesis on this list?
-Because this year, I'd like you to build a bridge with Mr Casey.
-Only if he can be in the foundations.
Sorry, Susan, forget it. If you want a party with Casey, it'll be over my dead body.
I love it when you leave me a loophole.
-OK, Mum. I came straight over. What's up?
-Ah, here, take this box of your things.
You told me Dad was in hospital.
If you did things when I asked, I wouldn't have to do things like that.
You cleaned out my room?
Oh, my God, you didn't find my...
So, this is the last of it, then?
The final remnants of my 20 years in this house.
This box symbolises my arrival into adulthood.
Hey, who broke my Action Man?
Sorry, Michael. I'm getting things ready for our New Year's Eve party. Will you and Scott be coming?
-Uh, I don't know yet.
-Oh, please, you only bring him round five minutes at a time. Are you embarrassed by us?
Of course not.
-See you at ten to twelve.
Make that five to twelve.
Welcome home. May I tempt you to a vol-au-vent?
I've had a hard day, Susan, let me decompress first before you kill off another taste bud.
No, no, no, you'll like this.
Food samples from three different caterers.
-I can't decide which one to choose.
-I can, cheapest one wins. OK, next?
Right, these are the party invitations.
I need your approval and by your approval say you like them.
-Embossed, engraved on vellum?!
Why don't we just print one and get them to circulate it?
Mr Casey. What a nice surprise.
Casey?! I do not want that twisted pygmy in thi...
-Oh, you're already in. Good.
-Mr Casey, what can we do for you?
Her Majesty's postal employee mistakenly delivered your post to me.
It's a magazine for one Ben Harper.
Must be my New Scientist, I love those insightful, intellectual articles.
No, it's Nuts.
Their super-annual, extra-bouncy issue.
Thank you, Casey, good, lovely, thank you.
You've done your good deed for the day now off you go, under your bridge.
-But first, have an invitation to our New Year's Eve party.
-New Year's Eve party? Oh, dear.
-Oh, really, got something else planned?
-Yes, I have.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm holding my own neighbourhood New Year's Eve party. I've been throwing it for 11 years now.
-11 years? How come we've never heard of it then?
-Hm, it must have been an oversight.
Really. Well, why don't you do your do another night.
And when do you suggest I hold a New Year's Eve Party, dum-dum? Guy Fawkes' Night?
-Why don't you just shove it up your...
-No, thank you.
-Well, this is most regrettable, Mr Casey, but we're already committed to that date.
Yes, and we're not going to stop it.
In fact, we're going to invite the entire neighbourhood. OK?
So may the best party win, Casey!
If it's down to the best party winning, Harper, I think we all know whose it will be.
Ho-ho, yes. We do.
It'll be his, won't it?
I am about to make you very happy.
-With a little help from Ainsley Harriott.
I'm game if you are.
What? No, no...you!
A friend of mine knows Ainsley Harriott, right, and he says he'll
cater for private do's if the price is right. Can you believe it?
-All except the part where you have a mate.
he's a patient, but the Ainsley Harriott part is true.
Can you believe it, Susan, please, come on.
A live jazz band, private chef, fireworks display, it'll put our party out of Casey's reach.
It might put our overdraft out of reach too.
I keep telling you, darling, money is no object.
-Are you feeling all right?
You know what, I was thinking of booking the London Philharmonic
but I just, don't want to rub Casey's nose in it. What's that?
It's Casey's house.
A lorry just pulled up.
-It's from Harrods!
-Right. That's it. We're booking the Philharmonic.
Ben, you don't even know what he's brought in.
Well, we'll soon find out.
OK, let's have a look.
Come on, Casey, let's see your goodies.
I'm not signing that!
Well? Did you see his goodies?
Oh, I love watching you work, Ainsley.
The way you sift and knead and puree.
It just takes my breath away.
Ah, that's very kind of you, Susan, but, er, could you not slobber on my dumplings?
Oh, darling, that smells wonderful!
-I didn't cook it.
-I wasn't talking to you. Hello!
I can't believe Ainsley Harriott is cooking in my kitchen.
No, neither can the kitchen.
Do you know, I can actually hear the pots sighing with relief.
And what are you, Susan? Can't cook? Won't cook?
-What's he like, eh?
-You don't want to know.
Ooh, I love caviar.
We have some paprika if you need it.
You don't put paprika on caviar, Susan.
-Best before 2003?
Oh, that's a mistake too.
OK, guys, come through, that's lovely.
Yeah, just put that in the kitchen, that can go in the garage.
You can keep that there. Oh, hi, guys!
Piano's over there, out of tune, but do your best.
Ben, listen. I think you'd better take a look at tonight's RSVP list.
Yeah, yeah. Roger Bailey Jr.
That's it? There's no-one else?
No-one else replied.
And Roger's only a maybe.
It depends on whether he gets lucky at his bell ringing concert.
He says those events have a sexually charged atmosphere.
-So, no-one else is coming to our party?
-Oh, I wouldn't say that.
-I would say NO ONE'S COMING TO OUR PARTY!
- G'day, guys! - Craig, Janey.
-Thank God you're here.
-You are coming to our party, right?
Well, we talked about it, but to be honest your crowd seems a bit old...
Yeah. I see.
Aw, look at his sad little face, Janey.
Don't worry, Ben-O. We'll be there.
Yeah? Are you sure? Good old Craig, he'll be there, you'll be there!
And Janey, bring all your mates, all your mates OK?
Bazzer, Shazzer, Jezzer, Mezzer.
They are all people, right?
Yes, Dad, yes. They're the same people you kicked out last time I had them round.
-Well, they were probably making a lot of noise.
-It was my 12th birthday party.
We hadn't even cut the cake.
Now you know why we never have parties.
No worries, Ben-O.
-Whatever you need, we're there for you.
-Few things you can do.
A little thing, you can let off a few fireworks at midnight, OK?
I think I can handle that, Ben-O!
And listen, be sure not to hold back, all right.
I want the whole neighbourhood to know that it's the biggest party in town!
-I want you to set it to music, all right? And synchronise it to Ride of the Valkyries.
But you've got to stand a bit close, so, you can do that for me?
-Sure. No worries.
-But Dad, isn't that a bit dangerous.
Noooooo, I'll be fine.
Thank you, darling.
Look at that scuff on the railing!
-That wallaby Craig said he'd buff it up for me and... You look radiant.
-This scuff, it really shows up.
Told you we needn't have worried!
What did we say, seven, and it's seven on the dot. Ha-ha!
Come in, come in, come in! Roger!
Come in, Roger, it's nice to see you, come in.
-Yeah. Good to see you, you're looking good, looking good, let me take your coat for you.
I'm not stopping, I just popped by to say hello.
-I'm on my way to my bell ringing concert.
-Oh, please stay, Roger?
Yeah, forget the bell concert.
You want to try playing Silent Night without B flat and C major?
Good luck, my friend.
Plus, it's the one night of the year my bells might get some action.
I'll be off then. Have a good party!
Oh, well. Bit of a setback.
Setback? It's party armageddon.
I did everything I could to make this party a success, but there's one obstacle even I couldn't overcome.
Well, I don't see anyone else here.
Which is strange, considering this is supposed to be a party!
Face it, Ben. Nobody's coming because nobody likes you.
Do not do this, we must not turn on each other. You know why?
-Because if I kill you, I'll be the only one at the party?
-No. The only real enemy here
is him, him next door.
Now we must focus on the positive.
The easy thing to do would be to say, hey, it's not our night, let's just bow out gracefully.
We gave this competing parties thing our best shot, but clearly we failed. Miserably.
As rallying speeches go, Ben, that one really sucks.
Let me finish, OK? Most people I know would give up right now, but not us, Susan, not us, no way.
We're Harpers. We are made of sterner stuff. OK, come on.
Where are we going?
-Isn't that giving in?
Not the way we're going to do it.
My God. It's better than I dreamed.
You mean, worse than you feared.
Scott? Michael? What are you doing here?
Er, we're sabotaging Casey's party by drinking all his booze, so
-everyone will have to come to your party.
-They're having a party?
Betrayed by my own son.
Oops, I seem to have walked into the wrong house.
And mixed myself a pair of Martinis.
-Betrayed by my own daughter.
-Well, if it isn't Beauty and the Beast.
Are you going to let him talk to you like that?
I suppose we all knew it would come to this eventually,
but not even I expected you to cave in quite so soon.
Loathe as I am to admit it, Casey, but you certainly know how to hold a party.
Meet Ben and Susan.
This is my girlfriend, Melody.
-Well, that's surprising because we, um...
-Well, we just assumed that you were...
-I mean, we had no idea you were...
Melody, dear, will you get Helga to clean up that bean dip off the hall floor?
So, can I get you drinks?
-Oh, Champagne, please.
-me too, please.
-Two Champagnes, right.
-I'll just go and pop my cork and fill up your flutes.
-Whatever grabs you.
-Right, time to make our move.
-What are you talking about?
Well, this is the best party I've ever been to.
It's time to bring it down.
OK, simple sabotage, right.
We cut off their electricity and they make a beeline to our little soiree.
So we find the manhole cover, identify the mains supply,
get the bolt cutters from next door and cut off their power.
GUESTS GASP IN DISAPPOINTMENT We could do this.
OK, if you want to do it the simple way. Good work.
Nice try, Harper, but I've got a generator.
What do we do now?
Time for Plan B.
Hey, that's quite a wild party next door, isn't it? Whoo, what a party!
And it's catered for by Ainsley Harriott.
Yeah, but I also heard that the fella throwing the party's a right pillock.
Yeah, but you can't let one man's opinion skew your own judgement.
Oh, no, no, everyone's saying it.
Well done, Ben.
OK, you try and do any better.
OK. Watch and learn.
Hey, guys, guys, come on, why don't you come to our party?
-Because you two are taking this whole thing far too seriously and it's making you crazy.
It's not making us crazy.
Form a line and follow me!
Drop those dips and grab those hips!
Life is so much sweeter!
We've got Margaritas!
We've got Ainsley Harriott!
We've got Ainsley Harriott!
Arriba! Arriba! Arriba! Arriba!
Here we go, next door! We've got Ainsley Harriott!
Hey, better luck next year, Casey!
Curse you, Ben Harper! Argh.
And someone clean up that bean dip!
Here we come, into the house and having fun!
Ha, yeah, ha, that's brilliant, come on.
And we've got a real treat,
namely Ainsley Harriott!
Hey, Susan, you were brilliant!
Brilliant is what I do.
Come here, you.
This way, muchachos! This way!
Everybody conga, everybody conga!
That swine Casey has double conga'd us!
Mikey! Come on, Mikey, you can't leave us like this!
Ah, yeah, you're right.
Happy New Year!
Well, New Year's Eve and, er, thank you. Just us.
It's not fair, Ben.
We've did everything right.
Great food, great music.
But nobody's coming.
-KNOCK AT THE DOOR
-So, how are you guys enjoying my canapes, all right?
-Mmm, delicious, Ainsley.
-Oh, thank you.
Which is good, because we'll be enjoying the leftovers for months.
Well, maybe not that long.
Er, listen, Susan, I was wondering, if there's nothing else, you know, perhaps I could...
Yes, it's fine, Ainsley.
You can go to Casey's party.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Well, albeit thirst-quenching.
Let's face it, Ben, we're done.
I hate to admit it, but I think you're right.
Oh, please, knock it off!
Oh, no, no, no, not now, that's all I need.
It's the emergency surgery number.
I'm sorry, but Ben Harper is not available to take your call, please leave your number after the tone.
-Rolf Harris? Hi!
Yes! Oh, I'm sorry, what, the filling's fallen out?
Ah, well, does happen from time to time.
I'll, er, tell you what, I'll meet you over at the surgery and I can...
No, no! Get him here! Invite him here!
Why don't you come over to my house?
Mmm hmm, I'll give you the address.
Oh, and tell you what, why don't you,
why don't you dress up?
Come on in, ladies and gentlemen, please! Roll up, roll up!
The wonder from Down Under, for one night only, Mr Rolf Harris! Thank you! Yeah!
How about that, ladies and gentlemen, at great expense, we have the legend, Mr Rolf Harris!
Yeah, can we have Jake the Peg now?
-What about the tooth?
-No, no, no, I'll do it later, it's fine, fine.
-I'm just waiting for everyone to get here cos I work better with a crowd.
-Yeah, but I'm in pain!
Yeah, I know but, Rolf, we've got 18 verses of The Court of King Caractacus to get through.
-Listen, I'm off home.
-No, no, Rolf, Rolf, please, you'll be doing Stairway to Heaven with a whistle.
-I'll get me didge.
-All right, he's getting his didge, he's getting his didge, everyone!
Just getting the didge.
This must be a treat for you, eh, Craig?
-Rolf Harris, I mean, you must be thrilled.
-He's an incredibly famous Australian.
-I've never heard of him.
-Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport?
-Why would you do that to a poor kangaroo?
It's a song.
-It's a cruel song.
You must be thrilled - Rolf Harris, eh?
Oh, don't waste your breath.
-Benny. The shark's in the garden.
-The sh- What?
-Fireworks are ready and steady, Ben-O.
-Ah, great, fireworks, great.
-Wait till I give the signal, OK?
-Yeah, right you are, mate.
Well, Harper, it seems you've outpartied me.
I suppose even a blind squirrel like yourself can find the occasional nut.
Mmm-hmm, Casey, just help yourself to some cheese.
Go well with your sour grapes.
Don't, Ben. It's not his fault. Not every party can have Rolf Harris.
-Rolf Harris? Really, is he here?
-Yes, Rolf Harris, he's our...
-Is that.. Is that Jody?
How are you?
I don't believe it. You two know each other?
-I don't believe it. Your name's Jody?
-Jody the Roadie, he was the road manager on my first world tour.
-He's the only one that I would trust to handle my didgeridoo.
Does Melody know about this?
Listen, Rolf, I've still got one of your old Stylophones up in my loft.
Do you care to pop over and give it a tickle?
What a good idea, yeah, let's do it!
-But Rolf, Rolf, Rolf, I'm going to do the tooth.
Right everybody, come on, party's moving back to my house.
THEY ALL CHEER
Come on guys. Little operation here, if you want to watch.
-I'm going to do it in the kitchen. Mikey! Scott, come on!
Not long to go now.
And still no-one at our New Year's Eve party.
Yup, 20 minutes to go.
You want to go up and make love?
-Go away, Casey.
-Ready to admit defeat?
Leave us to wallow in peace.
I don't enjoy this, you know,
Well, not much anyway.
Just concede defeat, and you can join the festivities at my place.
I'd hate to think of you two losers seeing in the New Year alone.
-You've done it again, Ben.
Because you keep inspiring me, my love.
You're insane. You're insane, you know that?
You're actually risking prison just to have a better party than me?
I'll sue you for every penny you've got, even if it takes
-the rest of my life, I'm going to make sure that you two are...
Couldn't quite catch that last part.
-KNOCK AT THE DOOR
-Here you are.
I thought this would be a good time for Scott to get to know you better.
-Or we could come back later.
Attention, party people.
Black mould, repeat black mould has been discovered in Casey's house.
Please make your way next door where the party will conclude.
Please bring drinks with you, and any you can find, but please use coasters,
repeat, please use...
-Sorry, I just love this megaphone.
It's great! All right, Casey?
-We did it, Susan. We did it! Just a few minutes to midnight.
-I know! Nothing can ruin this party now!
Ooh, hang on, hang on, Craig! Craig!
Ahoy, Ben-O. Ripper party you've got going here, mate!
-Is the shark in the garden?
Never mind. Are the fireworks ready?
-On my command, unleash illegal Chinese fireworks!
I can't believe we got away with it.
-You really are wonderful.
-Not as wonderful as you are, my darling.
Oh, my God, this is it, this is it!
This is it, this is it! Craig, Craig, start the music!
-OK everybody, come through, come through.
-Everybody, come this way!
It's a very expensive, big display, OK?
Be prepared to be blown away! Go!
-Yeah, Happy New Year, mate!
Craig, stop, Craig, in the name of humanity, stop!
No, turn round, you're missing it!
Craig, Craig, stop!
Indoors? Why indoors?
My vol-au-vents are on fire!
Three, two one...
Oh, sod this, I'm going home.
That has to be our most interesting New Year's Eve ever.
-Mmm, top five at least.
You know, despite all the money we've spent and all the damage to property,
I wouldn't change a thing.
Neither would I.
So, what do we do about these two?
We'll sort it out in the morning.
THEY START ROLF HARRIS-STYLE RHYTHMIC BREATHING
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year from the Harpers - except that Christmas does not look like being very merry for one little girl. And, whilst it may be a new year, Ben sees a chance to renew an old battle with his next-door neighbour.