Episode 4 My Favourite Joke

Coming up: Britain's best loved comedians reveal

who gets their chuckle muscles working overtime.

When I watched Dave Allen as a child,

I rolled around the floor, laughing at him, properly in pain laughing.

SCREAMS

There's no-one else like Steve Martin.

It's just stupid!

From stand-up routines to classic sketches,

they're letting us in on their all-time favourite jokes

and their love, envy and sheer admiration

for the star performers who told them.

Happy feet!

It felt so new, it was like seeing modern art for the first time.

You know, what she sells is madness!

Next.

You know, as a child, that was pure gold!

Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't I write that joke?

So, dust off your laughing gear, hold onto your armchairs

and buckle up for a raucous ride into the land of comedy!

I'm not stretching the point too far

to say that Steve Martin on Parkinson

is why I am sat in front of you today.

That is the one reason.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Steve Martin!

APPLAUSE

It was Steve Martin's first UK appearance, television appearance.

I was 17.

# Hey, I got music

# I got rhy-y-thm. #

LAUGHTER

I just was pissing myself laughing pretty much all the way through.

Just, the joy. I got tingles.

-APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

-It's a funny gag.

Straight away, you're laughing. A guy in a pink suit with an arrow in his head.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And he does juggling. Steve Martin, that's the first guy

I saw do that funny thing with the third ball routine.

Now, three!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS THE BANJO

And these were genuinely things I'd never seen someone ever do before.

# Well, I'm rambling, rambling round

# I'm rambling guy, oh, yes. #

HE WHISTLES

Fame travelled much slower across the pond back then.

A virtual unknown in the UK,

Steve Martin was a megastar in the States.

He became a rock'n'roll comedian.

He was so explosive and so fast and suddenly,

he was on the cover of magazines - Rolling Stone,

he's on Saturday Night Live,

he's filling giant arenas.

When you see people playing the O2 now, Steve Martin was the first one to do that.

Steve Martin's unique off-the-wall act was totally out of the ordinary,

creating mayhem and general bemusement all round.

Here you go.

And now, YOU are funny, too.

-LAUGHTER

-'The audience over there got it'

but when he came here,

he looked like a guy playing the banjo and doing stupid stuff.

Yes. No.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes...

'Parkinson and Clive James are watching him,'

going, "Hnhnh?" like Scooby Doo. They just don't get it.

And Steve is doing cat juggling and doing happy feet!

Oh, no, I'm getting...happy feet!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I saw it, I just roared with laughter.

# You better smile, smile, smile, smile, smile, smile... #

That kind of very, very silly comedy does appeal to your inner child.

'Do you ever wonder...'

where all the farts go?

But his most stand-out moment was when Steve demonstrated

that he wasn't to be trusted with chat show hosts.

There's a moment where Parkinson goes, "What's the difference between British and American comedy?"

And Steve Martin is holding a pair a scissors.

Let's say you were going to cut someone's tie.

An American comedian I think, would give it... Oh, I'm not going to use mine!

-..would give it more of a shot...

-This is a joke, is it?

Well, this is an example.

And he gets Parkinson's tie and he cuts tassels in it at the bottom.

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

'That is English comedy. And then he talks about American comedy,'

and he cuts off... the tie at the neck.

Of course, an American would just use the more...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Parkinson was almost as pissed off as when the emu attacked him.

LAUGHTER

-I think that's very funny. Don't you, Clive?

-Are you sure you didn't have that ready?

No, indeed not. I'd have wore a different bloody tie if I'd known that!

Steve Martin may have left his host unamused

but he certainly made a huge impact on impressionable young minds.

There's no-one like Steve Martin.

He's just daft and he's the master at being just...

absurd and stupid but very, very, very funny.

LAUGHTER

'If you're going to do silly, you have to really believe in the silly.'

Otherwise, the audience spot it.

And he really believed in the silly.

It was a revelation.

It felt so new, it was like seeing

modern art for the first time if I can get pretentious.

It was like seeing something that touches you in some way

but not in the way that art previously had worked for you.

It was like someone saying, "Hold on, this is not comedy

"because it doesn't fit any of the guidelines for comedy that I've grown up expecting."

DNA molecule!

And yet, I'm laughing. And that's why I adore Steve Martin.

-Venereal disease.

-LAUGHTER

Everyone has that kind of moment in their life where one moment changes how they see something

for the rest of their life.

'He was like the Sex Pistols were to music

'to my perception of comedy,'

and it was just, bam!

OK. Thank you very much. Good night! Well, see you again!

Dick Emery was a huge part of my Saturday night entertainment.

My whole generation loved watching him

and strangely now, he's very much forgotten about, really.

He had such a wide range of characters.

You were guaranteed a lot of laughs. I was open mouthed watching him.

I used to think, "This can't be the same man. This can't be him."

The Dick Emery Show

became a mainstay of the BBC schedules,

running for almost 20 years with king of the catchphrase Dick Emery

appearing in every single sketch.

'He could play gay men - he played this one character,'

"Hello, honky tonks", and it was so flamboyant.

Oh, olives, stuffed! Oh, that'll make a change!

'The women he played were believable. He played different sorts of women.'

Ooh, you are awful.

But I like you!

LAUGHTER

This wide range of characters from posh vicars to the bovver boy character.

LAUGHTER

Dad...

-I think I got it wrong again.

-I think you got it wrong again.

In 1975, Dick Emery created five and half minutes of comedy gold

with a masterfully executed driving test sketch.

'Ere, Mr Bush, I've passed my test! I've passed it!

'Ere, you're a good driving instructor!

In that sketch, you see something new at the time - to put together all the characters.

Harry Enfield did it again but not often.

It's difficult to put all the characters into the same sketch.

That means I can drive any car I like.

-That's right. You'll have to get yourself a car.

-That's right.

'Ere, I think I'll have this one.

LAUGHTER

The opening of that driving test sketch is extraordinary.

LAUGHTER

On its own, it's a brilliant sketch and it's got a great punchline.

But before that, there are four or five massive laughs in there.

-You seem to be in a bit of a nervous state.

-A nervous state?

You should have seen me before I took my tranquilizers.

His nervousness, the way he is so petrified - brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

Oh, dear, it doesn't seem to be your day, does it?

If I were you, I'd just pack up and go home.

You're in no fit state to be on the road.

-Mr Charmers.

-Yes, I'm here.

OK, he's all yours. Take him away.

LAUGHTER Mr Charmers....

'When I was little, I would watch Dick Emery with my dad'

and just be sort of... I think ghastly is the word for Dick Emery.

He was prepared to be ghastly.

-I assume you've taken the necessary instruction to take the test?

-All guidance come from on high.

'And his characters were all like people with big teeth

'and randy middle-aged women. And he was funny.'

I just really, really love Dick Emery.

Love Dick Emery. I liked all of the characters.

But, um, I personally liked it best when he was in drag.

"Hello, honky tonk." I mean, that gay man with the leather cap.

I mean, I should be offended by that but you can't be,

it's so camp - "Hello, honky tonk."

That licence is as good as in my pocket.

I should have another think, sweetheart.

You've got me for your examiner! Put those away. Come on, let's go.

You wouldn't have had any trouble, honky tonks.

I'd pass you sitting on that bench!

When he did the woman, "You are awful, but I like you",

and would push the man out the way,

you know, as a child, that was pure gold.

Very good. For an attractive young lady, you surprise me.

You drove like a man.

Oh, thank you.

Apart from your two big boobs.

Look how you reacted when that policeman suddenly put his hand up.

Ooh, you are awful.

But I like you.

LAUGHTER

Ooh, you are awful.

But I like you.

'And that sexually repressed woman!'

Excuse me.

Yes, madam.

'I think her name was Hetty,'

and she had these really '60s, '70s glasses on that went up like this

and her eyes were so desperate behind them, you know.

This hair was perfectly done and this handbag clasped so tight.

I heard that one of your examiners won't pass a woman driver

unless she lets him have his way with her!

'But underneath it was this woman'

who was desperate for human contact and for male contact.

Point him out to me, I'll have him.

No, you point him out to me and I'LL have him!

LAUGHTER

A nice distinguished gentleman like you...

It's just so funny!

It's a guilty pleasure, really,

because probably, it's not that clever but it's hilarious!

CAR HORN TOOTS

CRASH!

LAUGHTER

Always at the back of my mind, Dick Emery has been there

as somebody who was really able to act well

'as well as be a good comic

'and that's always what I've wanted to do.'

He was inspirational.

There is a legend about a working housewife and a mother of five

who at the age of 37 suddenly decided she was funny,

so they say, she walked on stage and the audience told her that she was right.

Phyllis Diller was a tremendous groundbreaker for women comedians

because she bridged the gap

between when you had to be like zany and kooky and ugly

or you weren't considered funny.

Phyllis Diller!

APPLAUSE

'I remember the first time I saw her on television.

'She came on as a really wild character

'so you were able to feel at ease with her'

because you felt superior to her but the wit was so sharp.

If I have one more lift, it'll be Caesarean.

Her jokes are so simple

and so clean.

The hair on the top of my head is so thin

that part is on the roof of my mouth.

And I think I got this thing on upside down.

And I know the hanger is still in it!

In 1955, middle-aged housewife and mother Phyllis Diller

stormed her way into the male-dominated world of stand-up comedy.

I mean, it's an extraordinary story, Phyllis Diller,

she was out there doing it and brilliantly

in a nearly totally male domain.

Miss Phyllis Diller!

Diller's quickfire stand-up routines made her a huge star

and she was one of the only female comedians to share the stage

with comedy giants including Groucho Marx and Bob Hope.

Phyllis Diller, what she sells is madness.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You know, she comes out with the hair, the kind of scarecrow body

and she's just a bit bonkers.

So, I said to the lady, I said, "I want to buy something very sexy to catch a man."

You ready? She sold me 20 feet of rope and a gun.

LAUGHTER

But it was a routine about her lazy dog that got Joan Rivers worked up.

You know when you know somebody's wonderful when you watch them

and you say, "Why didn't I think of that?

"Why didn't I write that joke?"

We have the world's dumbest dog!

Have you heard of an Alsatian who bites his nails?

Her dog routine with her dog was so lazy that he wouldn't stand up.

-'Brilliant!'

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And he's easy to find because he never moves, he just lays there.

One day, I laid down alongside the couch to see what the hell he would look like standing up.

The one stupid joke about her dog is so lazy,

she wants to see what he looks like standing up, she has to lie down next to him.

And that to me is one of my favourite jokes of hers.

You say, "Attack!" and he has one.

LAUGHTER

And it's not even the greatest of her jokes.

But every time I look at my slug of a dog, I think, Phyllis's joke. "Why didn't I think of that?"

He's up for the Nobel piss prize!

Phyllis Diller is a trail blazer.

I watch her now and send a little thank you

because I think she made it a lot easier for women in this job

without some of us even realising.

She was just funny!

Oh, heavens, the last time I was in court, the magistrate said,

he said it was the worst case of hit and run he'd ever seen in his life!

He thought I was the victim!

Phyllis influenced me in a very negative way

because I said I'm not going to dress like that and I'm not going to be the class clown.

I am going to come out and be a college graduate

and be smart and either you come with me or I don't care.

Dave Allen was one of those people who was very different from other comics.

Just to see a man sitting at a seat, telling stories

was already different.

In a career spanning four decades,

Dave Allen both charmed and entertained the nation with his rueful style of sit-down comedy.

He was so engaging on the bar stool with the glass of whisky and the cigarette.

It was like walking into a pub with my dad and suddenly,

there was this bloke at the bar who was the best of your dad's mates

and the funniest.

'He had something about him'

that was that great gift of being able to tell a story

and spin the yarn so that everything was seen through his sense of logic

and that's where the laughter and the fun of it came in.

And as a practising atheist, there are certain things...

I travel around the world and no matter where I go,

somebody called Gideon leaves me this book to read.

Dave Allen was notorious for his long but perfect monologues.

Delivered with the precise timing of a comedy assassin,

his material on religion made him Ireland's most controversial export.

When I saw that sort of stuff, you know, in the '70s,

I thought, this man is brave, he's really funny.

Anyone can come out and go, "Anyone who's into religion is bonkers,"

but when he breaks things down, and says, "Do you understand what's going on here?"

There are certain things when I read the Bible,

and I do read the Bible, that I find difficult to understand.

If God has been there forever, what was he doing before he got to us?

I mean, what was he out there doing? Was he sitting there, going, "Bub-bub-bub"?

"Bored today. What will I do?"

Suddenly from nowhere, he decided to create a world. "I'll make a world, that's what I'll do!"

His stuff on religion is probably his greatest legacy.

The routine that most encapsulates this is the Adam and Eve routine

because that routine does what any great stand-up does - point out the ridiculousness of something.

Rivers, seas, mountains.

Puh, puh, puh. Pu-coh!

Vroom, everything's there!

I want a garden.

I'd like a nice garden.

Whack! Garden of Eden.

I hate gardening.

I need a gardener!

Ah, gardener. Spit and dust. Adam! Boom!

And he, Adam, never once says,

"Where in the name of God did I come from?"

I mean, he's 40 years of age, he has no childhood, he has no recall,

he doesn't say, "How did I get here?"

But he's quite happy, he just kind of trundles round the garden, working away.

And God is looking at him,

and he sees that Adam is happy.

LAUGHTER

I didn't put him there to be happy.

LAUGHTER

I'll put a stop to that!

'He takes the story of Adam and Eve,'

but what's brilliant to watch, as a comic,

is watch the escalation of it.

Just watch the beats as he makes it bigger and bigger

and more and more stupid.

And from his rib, he makes Woman.

And Adam wakes up in the morning, he's a real thickie!

He's lying there and there's somebody else,

and he doesn't say, "Where did you come from?

"How the hell did you get here?

"Where did you get those lumps?"

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was more the intelligence of it, the unwavering intelligence of it,

just the fact that he would forensically, laser like hone in on something and dissect it.

And God comes down and has a conversation with Eve,

and tells her that she can eat of any fruit on the tree...

..in the whole garden,

with the exception of one fruit tree.

He's talking to a woman!

LAUGHTER

He actually tells her not to eat of the fruit

and when she says, "Which tree?", he says, "That one over there."

He points it out to her!

LAUGHTER

That's worse than President Regan and Iran!

LAUGHTER

And when he goes and hides, and she sneaks up to the tree,

and a snake comes down and has a conversation.

A snake!

Now, if I see a snake, I'll back off!

If one starts talking, I'll crap myself!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And the snake actually convinces her to eat the apple

and she eats the apple and when she eats the apple, she learns shame.

That's what happens when you eat apples.

She's not ashamed that she's disobeyed God or that she's eaten the apple,

she's ashamed of here, one part of her body,

that's all.

She becomes ashamed of that area of the body.

And why that area?

Why not her elbow?

-LAUGHTER

-'A cracker routine.'

We dream of a punchline which is like a whip crack,

which goes, "Doof!" at the end.

And this is just perfect. Escalate, escalate, escalate,

and then bang at the end.

Do you realise that if Eve had been ashamed of her nose,

every woman in the world now would be ashamed of your noses.

You'd all be sitting here tonight with little nose knickers on!

LAUGHTER

Men would be in nightclubs watching naked ladies with G-strings on their noses!

LAUGHTER

Take 'em off! Oh, I saw a nose! Oh!

LAUGHTER

And this is the book, this is the book that you go into court

and place your hand upon,...

LAUGHTER

..and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought he was absolutely magic.

I really miss his influence now, nowadays.

And as much as I enjoy a lot of new comedy,

I also wish we could have some of that elegance about it, as well.

What's so cool about Dave Allen is he wasn't afraid of tackling big issues, you know, religion,

the Troubles, you know, politics,

but in such a charming, fun Saturday night way

which I can't think has been done properly since, really.

I'd loved to have met him. I'd loved to have sat down with him. I was on a plane to Dublin once,

and some guy came up to me and introduced himself and said,

"I was a friend of Dave Allen and he really liked your stuff,"

and I don't know if he was just being polite, but yeah, I was thrilled, I punched the air.

Very happy. I'd have been thrilled had he seen me.

I'd loved to have met him, loved to.

Victoria Wood is my comedy hero.

I've been a huge fan. Even with my stand-up,

I often go back to her, just the word play that she uses.

Everything she touches turns to gold.

# Let's do it! Let's do it!

# Do it while the mood is right!

# I'm feeling appealing... #

Multi-talented comedian, actor, musician and writer Victoria Wood

has been entertaining us for almost 40 years

and has a stack of awards on her mantelpiece to prove it.

# ..I can't do it! I can't do it!

# I don't believe in too much sex! #

'Victoria Wood is a genius.'

I don't want to bandy that word around too much because people

say that about lots of people but Vic is. "I will sit down,

"I will write a sketch about this and it'll be good."

In the mid-'80s, Victoria Wood penned the classic Acorn Antiques sketches

which quickly achieved cult status.

Acorn Antiques was just a little part of Victoria Wood, As Seen On TV.

Me and me mum use to watch it and I was just in pieces.

It's just so, so funny!

I know it's only a quarter to

but I've just this minute got me coconut buns out of the microwave.

Well, you know me and coconut!

LAUGHTER

'It was a bit of homage to Crossroads, I think.'

It's like a soap set in Manchesterford,

and it was... It's so badly made and badly acted.

-Shall I go?

-No, stay!

And please come back, Mrs O.

What I have to say concerns everybody.

It's just stupid!

Wood famously plays the eccentric antique shop owner Miss Berta

assisted by her elderly tea lady Mrs Overall

played by Julie Walters.

'I adore Acorn Antiques because it's based on Crossroads'

which I loved when I was a school child

and was actually like that.

There were constantly mics in shot and elongated silences

where people looked at each other like rabbits under the headlights.

There's people missing their cues,

there's people knocking the furniture,

scenery moves, people get their names wrong!

'Everything that can go wrong goes wrong.'

Basically, if that was in any way reality,

somebody would be shouting "Cut!" every three seconds.

It should be "Cut, cut, cut, cut!"

But they don't, there is nobody shouting cut

so they plough on through the mistakes.

Hello, Derek, Mrs O.

I don't see how we can get this wedding ready in a week!

Trixie hasn't even chosen her dress yet!

Victoria Wood wrote a total of 12 Acorn Antique sketches

but the wedding dress episode has to be the all-time classic.

If it's for any Acorn Antiques wedding, Miss Babs,

I'll put it up, even if it kills me!

One of my favourite scenes is the wedding dress scene where Trixie

complains that the triplets have put jam all up the front of her wedding dress.

Now, obviously, she realises that there is no jam

and then she tries to cover it up by saying, "On the front, round the back."

Honestly, I could kill those triplets!

Calm down, Trixie. Whatever's the matter?

They've put jammy fingerprints all over the front...

all over at the back!

We'll get Mrs O to sponge it off.

'Mrs Overall comes in,'

you can see her hovering in the background, comes in,

"Ooh, Trixie you've got jam up the front",

cos she can't veer away from the script.

Julie Walters is absolutely unable to improvise

or even work around that fact or even go off her lines at all.

Mrs O! Whatever's wrong with the front of your frock?

It looks like jam!

-Yes.

-What?

There's jam at the back.

The triplets didn't put any on at the front.

There's two opportunities for her to bail out there. She comes in,

there's nothing on the front, she can bail out there, but if you then say,

"What's that on the front of your dress?", she's got another opportunity to go,

"Oh, it's nothing", you know, to bail out again but, no.

Unable to pull out, she has to plough on and go, "It looks like jam."

It looks like jam!

-LAUGHING:

-It looks like jam!

Shall I come along with you?

And you'll find something to sponge it off with.

Come along with me and I'll find something to sponge it off with.

'I have also always loved Victoria Wood

'because she doesn't actually care what she looks like.'

One of my favourite bits in it is where she's sitting with her legs open

and you can see her pants and there's a bit of a gusset shot.

I don't know any Trixies! Or anyone! I live in a world of strangers!

And you can see right up her gusset and everything.

It's just hilarious. And her make-up is so over the top.

I thought I made my feelings quite clear in the British Home Stores.

But I'm here to see Berta.

Berta? Berta?

Love Victoria Wood and I just think that Acorn Antiques is the icing on the cake for me.

It was her finest moment.

'She's witty, clever, a brilliant musician.'

Yeah, in Victoria Wood,

we really have a lovely, lovely lady jester.

A jest... A jester-ess!

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