Episode 3 My Favourite Joke

Coming up, Britain's best-loved comedians reveal

who gets their chuckle muscles working overtime.

Hands up who likes me!

The Young Ones was mine and my brother's life!

It was like suddenly there was comedy that was in colour.

From stand-up routines to sketches and classic sitcoms,

they're letting us in on their all-time favourite jokes and their love,

envy and sheer admiration for the star performers behind them!

That film was a real turning point for me.

It was one of the things that made me think, "I want to do this."

You enjoying that sandwich?

So dust up your laughing gear,

hold onto your armchairs and buckle up for a raucous ride

into the land of comedy!

It was like a master class and it was a real tour de force.

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

I knew Tommy quite well, actually.

He was a big man, a big man, a big man with a big personality.

I was cleaning out the attic last week, with the wife.

Filthy, dirty covered in cobwebs

but she's good with the kids.

Tommy Cooper loved to laugh. He loved jokes,

he loved tricks, he loved gimmicks, he loved to make people laugh.

I went to the doctor. He said to me, "Open your mouth," so I went like that.

And he looked down, he said "A little raw."

So I went "Aar."

Comedy legend Tommy Cooper made his debut in 1948

and kept audiences laughing for a career spanning four decades.

He was understood by everybody, by children, people of all ages,

children, grown-ups, even different nationalities,

they all understood visual humour, which he did so very, very well.

Rose, rose. I've risen!

He was a genius and a one off.

People who loved him did say as soon as he walked onstage,

you laughed before he'd opened his mouth.

Everybody can do a Tommy Cooper.

"Just like that, just like that. Not like that, like that! Just like that."

Your dad, your uncle, even your granddad,

they can all do a Tommy Cooper. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if people in China were going "Oh, yes, just like that!"

I brought a greyhound about a month ago.

A friend said "What are you going to do with it?" I said "I'll race it."

He said, "By the look of it, I think you'd beat it."

Oh, he's a hilariously funny man,

any time, you know.

One of his great jokes was getting out of a taxi

and saying, "Have a drink on me."

And he would hand the taxi driver a teabag, you know?!

I backed a horse today, twenty to one.

Came in at twenty past four.

I brought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.

It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

I said to the doctor, "It hurts when I do that." He said "Well, don't do it."

Tommy Cooper was most loved for his magical comedy routines.

Tommy was a terrific success with his cod magician act.

Diddly-ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-da!

LAUGHTER

Stop!

Diddly-ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-da!

Stop!

Diddly-ah-da-ah-da-ah-da-da! Well, pull it! Pull it!

LAUGHTER

With Tommy, he is the joke.

He's this huge man with an innocence about him.

There was... Almost like a child.

His determination to be a sophisticated magician

and failing every time. Disaster.

One of his best routines was the wine bottle and glass routine.

Woo! Sorry, too many bottles.

Too many bottles.

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

He starts off trying to do this, uh,

and he gets it right! Yes, he gets one or two of the bits right.

The wine bottle DOES appear and it DOES change place

and you see it in his face, he's so delighted!

HE TALKS FRANTICALLY

Hoo-yah, hey-ah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

HE LAUGHS

CHANTING

They have now changed places!

The most difficult part is to make them go back again.

CHANTING

And then more bottles appear

and then more and then it gets out of hand,

because there's bottles and bottles and bottles

and he's like a mad magician

producing rabbits out of a hat except these are wine bottles.

The laughs are all on him, you know,

he is someone who takes himself quite seriously

and thinks he's going to be doing good tricks

and so on and is undeterred by the fact that everyone is in hysterics.

And he seemed to be able to play that endlessly and brilliantly.

An audience laughing is the most beautiful sound in the world

and Tommy loved that, he loved to make people laugh.

He was essentially the jester.

I believe that when he did live work, he'd do this thing

where he couldn't find his way on, but he could just cough off stage

and the audience would start laughing

because they knew him that well and he created that sense of expectation.

Tommy Cooper, one of the all-time great funnymen, who'll never be forgotten.

Good comedians get applause and appreciation.

Great comedians are loved.

And he was a great comedian.

I can always tell if an audience is going to be good or bad. Good night.

The Young Ones was probably my favourite sitcom, growing up.

I really remember just laughing and not knowing why I was laughing.

The Young Ones exploded onto our screens in 1982,

becoming an instant hit and introducing us

to a whole new breed of comedy faces.

-Why don't you like me?

-Because you're a complete bastard.

LAUGHTER

Vyvyan, I'm being serious!

So am I! You're a complete bastard and we all hate you!

I find that rather difficult to believe!

Obviously I missed it when it was first around

because I wasn't born but about 95, 96,

I'd have been ten years old, I remember Friday nights,

my mum would be in bed and my brother'd be out with his mates,

me and my dad just flicking through channels.

He introduced me to The Young Ones. I remember it just being mental.

It was surreal. It was quite violent as well.

"Do not lean out of the window."

I wonder why!

HORN SOUNDS AND VYVYAN SCREAMS

What I loved about The Young Ones when I was at school

me and me mates use to talk and laugh about it,

more visually, really, the kind of look of the show

and, you know, how it was. It was quite manic.

Over here, over here!

Hurry up about it, will you?!

You took your time, you bastard!

Quite ground-breaking when it first came on, it was probably held up

as one of the main pioneers of what we now call alternative comedy.

I remember back in the day,

the whole alternative comedy movement centred on those people

so you know it was another building to put your ladder up against.

It was non-sexist, non-racist, but still funny.

Their most memorable scene was when the hapless group

compete in University Challenge, a perfect setting for mayhem and anarchy.

This week, the teams represent Footlights College Oxbridge...

Rah, rah, rah! We're going to smash the oiks!

Yes, that's the spirit. ..and Scumbag College.

Oi! Up scumbag, up scumbag!

Representing Scumbag, we have Mike...

-Hello.

-..Prick, Vyvyan and Neil.

Vegetable rights and peace!

University Challenge... If a bomb had hit that building,

that would have been it for comedy in the '80s!

I mean, they had everybody on!

-Representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...

-Hello.

..Lord Snot,

Miss Money Sterling

-and Mr Kendall Mintcake.

-Hi.

So your starter for ten, no conferring.

Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...

BUZZER SOUNDS

Scumbag, Neil.

Err, can I go to the toilet, please?

And they used to do that split screen, one above the other,

and he puts his foot through.

I'm completely bloody sick of this!

LAUGHTER

When you're at home, you go, that's brilliant,

because you watched University Challenge as a kid,

believe it or not, we did have it in Bolton. And you thought,

oh, are they sat above them? You don't realise the magic of telly,

they do all that. That's what sticks out in my mind.

Relax, we can handle this! Vyvyan...

Achtung!

It's not an automatic!

I remember Vyvyan spoke for guys like me

because I used to watch University Challenge

I used to get frustrated and think it was a terrible show

cos I could never get any of the questions.

..the world's stickiest bogey?

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Toxteth O'Grady.

-Correct. Five points.

You bum bag!

The world's stupidest bottom burp?

BUZZER SOUNDS

Uh, Rick, Britain!

Correct. Five points.

It is not!

The Young Ones was mine and my brother's life!

That's all I have to say about The Young Ones, it was my life.

I was at boarding school and we had rationed amounts of television.

We could watch TV at 9:00pm until 9:15pm

in breaks in homework or go to bed or whatever.

The boarding house I was in essentially mutinied

when The Young Ones was on and we sat down and watched the whole half hour.

It was like suddenly there was comedy that was in colour.

I mean, it really was mind-blowing at the time

and it seemed like it was for us, it was sort of raw and primal

and energetic and you thought, what's this doing on the telly?

And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead,

who's been tampering with my question cards?

BUZZER SOUNDS

It was me! It was me!

BOOING

Damn, damn!

The writers hadn't read the manual for sitcoms, they done it their own way.

There's great lines but there's also just insanity

and carnage in it, an explosive mix of comedy

and I don't think we've seen anything like it since.

All the way from America, the First Lady of comedy,

it is Joan Rivers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joan Rivers is, I think, the greatest working comic in the world.

She's just a force of nature, she's fearless

and really, really funny, which is incredible,

to think how long she's been going, the span of her career.

And she's still so on it, so quick and hilarious.

Paris Hilton did a porno film... Oh, her poor parents!

Can you imagine how they must have felt, Paris Hilton's parents,

that she did a porno film in a Marriot Hotel?

I mean, it is just...

With fifty years of showbiz under her belt,

Joan Rivers is the undisputed queen of stand-up.

The thing that broke her in America was she was a wonderful guest

for Johnny Carson, incredibly bitchy and incredibly funny.

She now does red carpet stuff at Hollywood events

like the Oscars and things like that

but her true metier is being the bitchiest cow on stage.

Despite being in her seventies, Joan Rivers hasn't lost her bite.

It's this outrageous display on The Graham Norton Show

that earns her a place in our hall of favourite jokes.

So how old are you now?

I'm 77 and... Oh, don't applaud!

I beg... Oh! Don't!

Don't! That is... BLEURGH!

They applaud because they know they're going to outlive me!

"Oh, good for her!" In New York they applaud

cos it means there'll be a new apartment on the market soon!

LAUGHTER

The last time she was on the chat show it was like a master class.

She just was on great form and it was a real tour de force.

I hate when people say like, oh, they're 77 years young!

I met Vanessa Feltz and she said to me,

"Here's Joan, she's 77 years young!"

I want to say, "And here's Vanessa and she's 350 pounds thin!"

LAUGHTER

She did some very funny stuff about ads for older people

and they had one, female Viagra.

It's women's Viagra and they had this big discussion with me,

should they make it in pill form?

This is honest to god true, it was in the newspapers.

Pill form or cream, because they didn't know which would do better

and they finally decide, these idiots, we'll do it in cream

because if it's in pill form, in a bar,

a man can drop it in a woman's drink and she won't know it.

But if you're in a bar and a guy goes, "So where you from?", you know.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Everyone knows her for ripping celebrities apart

and being really vile but she's viler about herself than anybody else.

The good thing about older dating,

the only good thing, for the women in the audience,

everyone thinks you're old, there are no one night stands.

Cos just to get the old guy out of the car, into the house, up the stairs,

on you, off of you, re-diapered, back in the car and home, four days!

Four days! It's a relationship!

What's interesting about Joan is

the first time I had her on the chat show...

You know, she's had an amazing life story, you know,

starting in the clubs with Lenny Bruce,

er, doing those late-night talk shows,

the whole, getting the job at Fox,

losing the job at Fox, the husband committing suicide -

it's a huge thing.

And so, you want to talk to her about her life.

She has no interest.

She's all about the next laugh, the next punch line.

I've been on this show with some of these older women

that still try to look good.

No names - Goldie Hawn.

LAUGHTER

I love Joan Rivers because she just doesn't appear

to give a shit. That's what I like about her.

She says whatever she wants to,

she talks about very, very, kind of, sensitive topics.

And it's so refreshing for me, as a woman,

to come across a woman like her

who doesn't seem to censor herself in any way.

It's an absolute joy.

She's friendly with...

The one with the big, stupid lips. Er, Angelina Jolie!

LAUGHTER

The energy and the quickness of her.

She's to the bone, she's quick,

she talks about things that some male comedians wouldn't touch.

Oh, Joan, we don't know which children are adopted

and we don't know which are ours personally, they're all the same!

The children don't know if they're adopted or ours.

Isn't that right, Billy and Sally and Jimmy and little Magoumba?

Isn't that right?

She is the queen of comedy in America and probably will be for a long time.

But I sometimes wonder, how long can you be funny?

And so, to me, what Joan Rivers means is that

"Yeah, I can be funny until I'm 76 years old -

"as long as I get a lot of face lifts."

All the excitement because I don't like the three wise men -

I think they brought shitty gifts.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, you're going to meet the son of God

and you bring myrrh, frankincense...

That's a candle! That's a candle!

Audiences forget Joan.

Because she's not on telly all the time,

she doesn't have a sitcom, she doesn't have a film career.

It's like, every time she comes on, she starts from scratch

and the audience goes, "Oh, wow, she's really funny",

like they forgot how brilliant she is.

Pete and Dud are absolutely my comedy heroes.

They were some of the first comics that I ever heard

and made me think I'd love to do comedy.

The marvellous thing about Vernon Ward is

he's been doing ducks all his life.

Well, he's done more ducks than you've had hot breakfasts, Dud.

He's done plenty of ducks.

If he's done anything, he's done ducks.

He done ducks in all positions.

LAUGHTER

One of the first things I did as a performer was these review shows at school

and sketches and stuff

and the sketches I always would do were

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore sketches.

I tell you what makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter -

-if you look at his ducks... Have you looked at his ducks?

-Yeah.

If you look at his ducks, you see the eyes follow you round the room.

Have you noticed that?

If you see 16 of his ducks, you see 32 little eyes

following you round the room.

No, you'll only see 16 cos they're flying sideways

and you can't see the other eye on the other side.

But you get the impression, Dud,

that the other eye is craning round the beak to look at you.

The art gallery scene is, you know, for me,

one of my favourite sketches of theirs.

Not only is it very, very funny,

but you get the sense that, at any point,

it could just descend into outright fits of them giggling at each other.

You know, Pete,

I reckon there's a lot of rubbish in this gallery, you know.

Not only rubbish, Dud, there's a lot of muck about.

I've been looking all over for something good.

I've been looking for that lovely gypsy lady.

You know the one what Terpsichore done,

with the lovely shining skin. Where is she?

-Nowhere.

-Nowhere.

I went up to the manager,

-I said... I got him by the collar, I said, "Here!"

-Yeah.

-I said, "Here!"

You didn't spit sandwich at him, did you?

LAUGHTER

-Sorry, Pete.

-Blimey!

I'm sorry about that. No, I said, "Here!"

Yeah, you'll do it again if you're not careful.

LAUGHTER

I said, "Where..."

LAUGHTER

Come on, what did you say, Dud?

I said, "Where's that bloody Chinese flying horse, then?"

What did he say?

He said, "Get out."

They look like they're enjoying each other's company and finding each other funny

and it makes it, as a viewer, such a lovely thing to watch

because there's just an innate sense of fun and silliness to it.

My abiding memory of the art gallery sketch

is, is, is... Is both of them corpsing

on talking about some auntie or something and they both start to go.

That's Les Grandes Baigneuses. You know what it means?

-Big bathers.

-Is that all?

-That's all it means - big bathers.

500,000 quid we paid for that -

those nude women come out of our pocket, Dud.

Works out about £50,000 a body, don't it?

You could get the real nude ladies over there for that price.

My aunt Dolly would have done it for nothing.

LAUGHTER

She does anything for nothing, doesn't she?

LAUGHTER

Dirty, old cow.

LAUGHTER

What's lovely about Pete and Dud in the art gallery

is that they know how funny it is

and there's that, you know, "Are you enjoying that sandwich, Dud?"

Er, it's an absolute classic moment of British comedy TV.

You enjoying that sandwich?

You can see it in his eyes. His eyes go first and you know he's about to lose it

and he does and he shoves the sandwich in his face.

Dudley Moore is holding onto that sandwich for dear life.

Every time he's about to laugh, the sandwich goes in.

It's like, "The sandwich will stop me laughing."

There's just something funny about Peter Cook's

strained, deadly serious eyes when he's laughing himself

but he's almost daring Dudley Moore not to laugh.

Almost bullying him, with the way that he's laughing

but daring him not to laugh that I just find hilarious.

What I like about that is that they both go...

And when Dudley Moore would corpse,

he did this amazing thing where he'd try not to laugh,

and they're handling these sandwiches as though they're eating and trying not to laugh

which kind of exacerbates the whole situation.

Course they don't, Pete...

LAUGHTER

You...

You can't tell.

I know, you've just seen the Leonardo Da Vinci joke, have you?

LAUGHTER

You could see it as them sending up ignorant, working-class people in an art gallery.

It could be seen as that and they're both, you know, they're...

Peter Cook, Dudley Moore - Oxford boys,

although Dudley Moore is a grammar school boy

but it could be seen as sneering.

But it isn't cos it's so warm, and...

That's what's so lovely about it - it's delicious like his sandwich.

I've got to say, you can't tell if that's a good painting or not because

you can't see their eyes, whether they follow you around the room.

No, the sign of a good painting like that, Dud,

with their backs towards you,

is if the bottoms follow you around the room.

Sketches like Pete and Dud, I think, are timeless.

You watch them and they will be funny, you know, forever.

They're just naturally very, very funny people.

I don't think it will ever date.

I'm a huge fan of Monty Python's Life Of Brian.

I think it's the best thing they did by miles and miles and miles.

It's an amazing film.

And...

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

I went to boarding school, so we didn't watch telly and we didn't go to the cinema.

So, I first came across Life Of Brian -

someone had tapes of it and I'd heard it

probably 30 times before I ever saw it.

I think I probably saw Life Of Brian for the first time when I was, like, 15,

and it's been a film I've sort of found myself going back to

cos it's just so rich in its ambition and in the way it succeeds.

Life Of Brian was Monty Python's third feature film

and followed on from the success of Monty Python's Flying Circus.

They're very clever people and were, at one point, tearing up comedy

and turning over the whole thing of how sketch comedy worked

and going away from what you're meant to do with a sketch show.

And in that film... They do all that in Life Of Brian

but they also have this underlying point.

That film was a real turning point for me.

That was one thing I saw that made me think, "I want to do this,

"I'm not just interested in watching it."

Who isn't interested in watching comedy?

But that film was one of the things I thought, "That's incredible".

There are loads of amazing scenes in Life Of Brian

so it's pretty difficult to boil it down to, like, a favourite joke.

I think the best joke in it is one of the cleverest, funniest movie moments,

is the bit where Brian wakes up in the morning and he's naked and he opens the window

and the crowd of followers have tracked him down

to where he is.

ALL: Look, there he is. The chosen one has woken!

Then he gets into this whole thing where he's preaching, like Jesus,

telling them what they should do.

And the classic moment, and it's a brilliant joke, is when he says,

"You're all individuals", and they say "Yes, we're individuals",

and then one guy goes, "I'm not".

And that is how brilliant that joke is

cos it makes a point, it's funny,

it's silly, it's just perfect, it's a perfect moment.

You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody!

You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

ALL: Yes, we're all individuals!

You're all different!

ALL: Yes, we are all different!

I'm not.

Sssh.

They're making their satirical point

and a bloke says it in a silly voice, as well.

"I'm not", you know, what else can you ask for?

So many iconic scenes. I mean, everyone knows the line,

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

Now, go away!

ALL: Who are you?

I'm his mother, that's who!

It's a perfect piece of comedy work, a perfect comedy film.

What I loved about that scene was the bit towards the end

where she has the conversation with, like, about 500 people.

"Yes, no!"

Now, shove off!

ALL: No!

Did you hear what I said?

ALL: Yes!

Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?

ALL: Yes!

"Are you a virgin? Are you a virgin?"

And the shock, the absolute incredulity and the shock

that Terry Jones shows on his face.

Are you a virgin?

I beg your pardon!

Well, if it's not a personal question,

are you a virgin?

If it's not a personal question!

How much more personal can you get?

Now, piss off!

ALL: She is. Yeah, must be. Definitely.

The thing about Life Of Brian is

what it hasn't done is dated

and because of its subject matter which is, sort of, religion

and fundamentalism and people doing crazy things

in the name of what they believe.

It's still really, like, really, really, really relevant.

# So, always look on the bright side of death

# Just before you draw your terminal breath... #

What's also interesting is it's not an offensive film,

because it was banned in all sorts of...

I think it's still banned in Aberystwyth, probably.

And it, er, er... And it's like...

But it's not offensive. It's a clever film but a funny film

and anything that can pull both those things off at once

is obviously a really great work of art.

# And always look on the bright side of life

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

Come on, Brian, cheer up!

# Always look on the bright side of life

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

Worst things happen at sea, you know.

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

What have you got to lose?

You know you've come from nothing, you're going back to nothing.

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say.

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

See? The end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available...