The Doctor Who Special Never Mind the Buzzcocks


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The Doctor Who Special

David Tennant hosts a special Doctor Who-themed show. Team captains Phill Jupitus and Noel Fielding are joined by Bernard Cribbins, Catherine Tate, Jamie Cullum and Jo Whiley.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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And we'll add the materialisation effect in afterwards, yeah?

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Good. Thanks. Hello!

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Welcome to the show. On Noel's team tonight...

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He's the jazz singer who's engaged to Sophie Dahl.

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I've heard she's only after him for his Big Friendly Giant. It's Jamie Cullum!

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APPLAUSE

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She's one of a long line of comedy legends to appear on Doctor Who

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after Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Bobby Davros!

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It's Catherine Tate! APPLAUSE

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And on Phill's team...

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# "Right" said Fred "Both of us together..." #

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He was the voice of The Wombles and has even had hits in the pop charts.

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I'm looking forward to his next album, Uncle Bulgaria's Grindcore Odyssey. It's Bernard Cribbins!

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APPLAUSE I heard that!

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And as a top Radio 1 DJ, she's got some of the biggest names in music on her speed dial.

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Bit of a shame we didn't ask her to call them. It's Jo Whiley!

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APPLAUSE

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Those are the teams. Let's get on with the quiz before I fall back through a wormhole in time and space

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and turn back into Sylvester McCoy!

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APPLAUSE

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So we begin with Connections. Phill, Bernard and Jo, look at this.

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What happened when Busted died and regenerated, it's jingly-jangly, kiddie punk merchants McFly.

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# Girl, I gotta tell you I'm feelin' much better

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# Make a little love in the moonlight... #

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# I don't want to be a soldier... #

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You're expecting a funny line, but I don't care what anyone else says. I like Coldplay. All right?

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I like Come Dine With Me and Honey Nut Shredded Wheat. Deal with it!

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# So if you love me, why did you let me go...? #

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That was Coldplay with Violet Hill and McFly with Star Girl.

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What connects the two bands, Phill's team?

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I hate Coldplay. I can't stand them.

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They're such an easy target. I like them.

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I'm not mad about that cereal you eat either.

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They're not an easy target because that Christopher fella jumps around the stage quite a bit.

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I have tried to hit him a number of times.

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If you try a shotgun, you get a nice spread, you'll catch him on the move.

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I'll be taking Cribbins' advice.

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Their manager phoned me up and said, "You're both very mean to Coldplay,"

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then texted me and said, "But I know it's very cool to hate Coldplay."

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So I texted her back, "I just want to say I wasn't trying to be cool.

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"I genuinely hate Coldplay...

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"Just for the record."

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# I will try

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# To fix you... #

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APPLAUSE

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I met Chris Martin once. Yes? Yeah. Do tell. I met him probably six or seven years ago.

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I didn't realise he was the lead singer of Coldplay. He said, "I like that old lady character you do.

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"The old lady who works in our studio is like that."

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I said, "Oh, what are you doing in a studio?"

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And he said, "Oh, I've got a band."

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And I said, "Well, you know, good luck with that. Good luck with that."

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And when I came back to my friends, my little cousin said, "Was that Chris Martin from Coldplay?"

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I said, "I hope not."

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LAUGHTER

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He could be a Doctor Who baddie... You're quite a Doctor Who fan? Yes.

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Would you rather be answering questions on music or Doctor Who? Probably on Doctor Who.

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Oh, no!

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THEME MUSIC: "Doctor Who"

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Jo, how many hearts does the Doctor have?

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He has two hearts. Catherine, would you rather be answering questions on music or Doctor Who?

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I only realised you shouldn't call the Daleks robots about a week ago!

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I have learnt a bit by osmosis. Let's see. What does TARDIS stand for?

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You can do this. Ssh!

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And you, put your hand down!

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Time And Dimension In Space.

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Time And Relative Dimension In Space. ..Nearly. I think we have to give that to Jo Whiley.

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If she'd not put me off... Jo, who created the Daleks?

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That was Davros, wasn't it? Absolutely correct.

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Is Davros that small one with the weird face, looks like a prawn?

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A bit like a prawn, yeah.

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I like prawns. They're nice.

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Bernard, I can see there's going to be a clash between our styles.

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I'll look like a right mainstream idiot when you've been on!

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Jo Whiley gets the point on the Doctor Who quiz. I should have been the assistant, not you!

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Oh, all right! AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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CATHERINE: Yes!

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You were good as the assistant. Thanks. You don't need to know anything. I'm supposed to be dim.

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I played the part quite well!

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I didn't even know he wasn't called Doctor Who!

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I thought his name was Doctor Who, but he's called The Doctor. Yes.

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I thought you were Mr Who, who...

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I did! ..who was a doctor.

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Jamie, are you lost?

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I have absolutely no idea what anyone's talking about.

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Can I just ask you... Yes. Is it true that you head-butted Natasha Bedingfield?

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No, I accidentally head-butted her while accompanying her on the piano.

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Were you trying for Daniel?

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We had Daniel on this show once and you mustn't give him sweets. He goes mad if you give him sweets.

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He arrived in the green room and he found a big basket of Mars Bars.

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He ate them all and it took us half an hour to get him off the ceiling!

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We had to get one of them things you open school windows with.

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I probably would have left him up there, to be honest.

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Let's get back to the question. What is the link between Coldplay and McFly?

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Phill? Oh, um, their music has been sent into space.

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Is surprisingly the correct answer. APPLAUSE

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Both have had their music beamed across the solar system by NASA to the International Space Station.

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It was annoying for the astronauts as they'd actually requested more oxygen canisters.

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McFly's song had the lyrics,

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"There's nothing on Earth that could save us when I fell in love with Uranus,"

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which, as it happens, was a line removed from the pilot episode of Torchwood.

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Barrowman!

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Dougie once received a thong in the post that had "Turn your erection in my direction" written on it.

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Barrowman!

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APPLAUSE

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And Coldplay are really good. Deal with it!

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Noel, Jamie and Catherine, take a look at this.

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# In the snow with Rosebud... #

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It's the only known sound in the universe that repels Cybermen...

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No, actually, I quite like her too. It's Kate Bush. Deal with it!

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# Is telling us she's having your baby... #

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# Bodies making chemistry... #

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He's a man who needs Take That more than a Dalek needs a bungalow - Robbie Williams.

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# That's the way it's gonna be All we've ever wanted

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# Is to look good naked

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# Hope that someone can take it... #

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That was King Of The Mountain by Kate Bush and Bodies by Robbie Williams.

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What do the singers have in common, Noel's team?

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Can we look at Robbie? There's a bit where he's standing on the wing of a plane.

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I like to imagine that the pilot went, "Robbie, I've left my wallet on the plane.

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"Could you pop out and get that for us? Yeah, just down the end."

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That was actually taken at 30,000 feet and they drew the ground in afterwards.

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Do you want to come and write for The Boosh?

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It's that weird kind of... He does that kind of psoriasis move. Yeah.

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Why is he doing that? Has that got anything to do with Kate Bush?

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Does she have a skin condition?

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It's not what I've got on the card.

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He's mental. He's probably just brushing an imaginary hawk off his shoulder.

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"It's back again! The hawk!"

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That's the pilot's wallet.

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"It's got the face of Gary Barlow!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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He's really into his aliens, that aliens exist and things like that.

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Oh! Oh, oh, oh! You're getting warm.

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Maybe that's the link because this is a bit themed of supernatural, this show, isn't it, because of you!

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LAUGHTER

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What's that stuff... It's like we've never met.

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What do they call that thing? Sci-fi? Sci-fi.

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That's what I meant.

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There is another clue, possibly from a previous job, just to your left. Oh, look out!

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Oh, I've seen that before.

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Has that been there all along?

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"I couldn't hear the noise."

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No. Normally, it's like a horn or something, innit?

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We're back to Barrowman!

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Kate Bush, in that video, looked like Fern Britton.

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When Wuthering Heights came out, the song,

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everyone thought it was written, the song was written in the book.

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When I was at school and Robin... No, not Robin Hood. What is it? Kate Bush!

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Can I just say, if you've brought any sandwiches, this is the time to eat them.

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Didn't everyone think, when it was No.1, that they said if you go to the library and borrow Wuthering Heights,

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it would have the words in it?

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- No. - They did, Bernard.

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- No, they never did. - But it didn't.

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LAUGHTER

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I did an interview for a Dali documentary today and it wasn't half as weird as this.

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It's not that then? It's not that, no. I don't know what that is, to be honest, but it isn't it.

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You were stumbling towards an answer about UFOs. They think aliens are real. Correct, yes.

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APPLAUSE

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The answer is both have been involved in the search for UFOs.

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Robbie Williams visits observatories in Nevada to look for them

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and Kate Bush was head of a local UFO investigation group.

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I've faced many terrifying beasts as the Doctor.

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The most gruesome was the life form that regenerated every time you thought you'd killed it -

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the Sugababes.

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APPLAUSE

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Next up, it's the Intros Round. Phill and Bernard, here are yours for Jo. Thank you.

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This week, because I'm the Doctor, you can have help from the Tardis.

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Just ask me if you need assistance. Take it away.

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# Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da

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# Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da-da... #

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Help!

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You need help? Yeah, I need some help, please.

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OK, Tardis, Tardis, what can you send forth?

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, my God!

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Hello, Mr Ood. How are you?

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Is that Andre Agassi?

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LAUGHTER

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We need you to help Jo Whiley. Would you oblige?

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# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh

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# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh

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# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh

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# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh... #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you, Mr Ood. Can you stop staring at me?

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I look like that when I have linguini.

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I look like that when I've got a cold.

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Is it Yazoo, Don't Go?

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Don't Go! APPLAUSE

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This is how it should have sounded.

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INTRO PLAYS

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And your next intro, please.

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One, two, three, four... # Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

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# Shuck-da-um Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

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# Shuck-da-um Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

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# Down-nown Shuck-da-um... #

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Is that right? It's... # Ooh-eh-eh-i-oh... #

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Tight Fit, In The Jungle? No, not Tight Fit.

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# Ooh-eh-ooh... # Lion Sleeps Tonight? ..Sort of.

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# Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo... # When? Now?

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# Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-i-oh-oh

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# Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-ooh

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# Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-ooh... #

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APPLAUSE

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He's started. I took it up an octave there. Did you notice?

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I've got no idea. I'm sorry.

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We'll swing it over... LAUGHTER

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Jo Whiley's going to... Let's wait till we get it right first. OK, OK.

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We think we know it. Yeah, but you should take this moment because... Go on.

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Is it by any chance...?

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I'll be honest with you, Catherine. I don't think it is.

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Is it by any chance the theme from Doctor Who?

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No. No?

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What a stupid question! Oh, get out of it!

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Was it Muse? Is it a Muse track? What Muse track is it?

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Invincible? No, it's Uprising. Here's how it should have sounded.

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INTRO PLAYS

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So that was Muse with Uprising.

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Muse's Matt Bellamy once cancelled a day of interviews because he said an asteroid would hit the Earth.

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Not the first time he's tried to pull that stunt.

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He once claimed the world was going to burst into a ball of fiery destruction just to get out of PE.

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Matt Bellamy has been plagued by letters from fans,

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claiming they would commit suicide unless he sleeps with them.

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Barrowman!

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APPLAUSE

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Noel and Jamie, here are yours for Catherine.

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Good luck. Don't worry. The Tardis can help you.

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Are these songs people will have heard of?

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People, not you.

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Cos I don't know songs I've never heard of.

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I think you'll know the first one.

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# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

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# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

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# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

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# La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la...

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# Something about Kylie

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# And I can't do it

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# I know the words What are they?

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# Ta-hee-da-da-va... #

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Stop it, you're putting me off!

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I Just... I Just Can't Get You Out Of Mind!

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Yes, close enough!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh...

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CROAKY VOICE: This is how it should've sounded.

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INTRO PLAYS

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That's the tricky bit. Yeah, I wouldn't have got that bit.

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# La-la-la... # That bit I would have got.

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Then you go, "Oh, I can't remember the words!"

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What are your areas of expertise? I like astrology.

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Got any questions on astrology? I wouldn't dirty my mouth with them!

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Yeah, typical Aries!

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LAUGHTER

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Next one, please.

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# Brrm-brrm-brrm Dun-dugga-dun, dun-dugga-dun

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# Ba-ba-ba-boo, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

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# Ba-ba-ba-boo Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

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# Dun-dugga-dun, dun-dugga-dun Ba-ba-ba-boo, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

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# Ba-ba-ba-boo... # I think I know it.

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Is it...? Before you settle on something, it's probably worth... I'd ask the Tardis.

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# Ba-ba-ba-ba-boo Dun-dugga-dun... #

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I'm going to ask the Tardis!

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For God's sake! It won't be any help, but you might as well.

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APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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Oh, could you tell me what it is?

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THEY PLAY INTRO

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APPLAUSE

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Give thanks to the Fulham Brass Band, ladies and gentlemen!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Catherine, what do you reckon? Are they the new baddies in Doctor Who?

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You'll have to wait and see. Are they from the Tardis's sex chamber?

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Does he have a room for getting it on, the Doctor? Does he have sex? He has had children.

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Do you think he ever got busy with a Dalek?

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MIMICS DALEK: Harder! Harder! Harder!

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Harder! Harder!

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Harder!

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WD-40, you need.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know who it's by, but is it... Please God, let it be! The Final Countdown? Catherine Tate!

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APPLAUSE Who's it by?

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By Europe. This it what it should've sounded like.

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INTRO PLAYS

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That was Europe with The Final... Shut up!

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That was Europe with The Final Countdown about the destruction of Planet Earth

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and humanity heading for Venus.

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Venus isn't bad. I've been to many planets and you'd be surprised how many look like quarries in Wales.

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In 1987, Europe had their second hit with their No.12 single, Rock The Night.

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No, me neither.

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You heard Kylie Minogue with Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

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Kylie's favourite bra fetched a staggering ?6,000 on eBay.

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Do you want to see it? LAUGHTER

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When I heard that, I thought, "I've got Cribbins' Y-fronts.

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"He can sign the gusset and I'll whack 'em on eBay straight away!"

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Your line was better.

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Round 3 is the Identity Parade. Phill, Bernard and Jo, how about a doctor from the '80s?

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For the audience only, here is Doctor And The Medics.

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# Goin' on up to the spirit in the sky

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# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

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# When I die and they lay me to rest

0:22:190:22:21

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best... #

0:22:210:22:25

That was Doctor And The Medics with their 1986 No.1, Spirit In The Sky.

0:22:270:22:31

But which of our line-up is guitarist Steve McGuire?

0:22:310:22:35

Is it No.1, Doctor And The Medics,

0:22:350:22:37

No.2, Dr Shipman...

0:22:370:22:40

LAUGHTER

0:22:400:22:43

No.3, Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman...

0:22:440:22:47

..No.4, Doctored His Passport,

0:22:490:22:52

or No.5, The Doctor Said It Was Supposed To Look Like That?

0:22:520:22:56

Phill's team. This is Goldie Lookin Chain, isn't it, in ten years' time?

0:22:580:23:03

Any idea? I've got a number of ideas. Yeah.

0:23:030:23:07

Can we concentrate on this for the moment?

0:23:070:23:10

I think No.2 for some strange reason, I have no idea why.

0:23:120:23:15

Looks like a musician. Are you saying that No.3 couldn't rock hard?

0:23:150:23:20

I think he grows good vegetables.

0:23:200:23:23

He grows something all right!

0:23:240:23:26

I think No.5 wasn't even born then, was he?

0:23:260:23:30

No, I don't think so. No, he's only about 12.

0:23:300:23:34

I'm going to say 1. It's 1 or 2. It's definitely 1 or 2.

0:23:340:23:38

Well, 1 is so bored, he could be.

0:23:380:23:41

1 is the one that really scares me. I can't look him in the eye!

0:23:410:23:46

You're team captain. You choose.

0:23:460:23:48

No.1. No.1. It's going to be No.2, isn't it? No.1.

0:23:480:23:52

Will the real Steve McGuire step forward?

0:23:520:23:55

No way, no way!

0:23:550:23:58

APPLAUSE

0:23:580:24:01

Long, blond hair(!)

0:24:010:24:02

Now working as a tour manager, Steve McGuire, ladies and gentlemen!

0:24:020:24:07

APPLAUSE

0:24:070:24:09

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:20

Noel, Jamie and Catherine, how about a slightly earlier blues rock doctor?

0:24:220:24:27

For the audience only, Dr Feelgood.

0:24:270:24:29

# I decided eventually

0:24:290:24:32

# This ain't doing a thing for me

0:24:320:24:35

# They got him on milk and alcohol

0:24:350:24:39

# They got him on milk and alcohol... #

0:24:400:24:44

That was Dr Feelgood in 1979 with Milk And Alcohol, but which of our line-up is bassist John B Sparks?

0:24:460:24:53

Is it No.1, Feelgood,

0:24:530:24:56

No.2, Feel Bad,

0:24:560:24:58

No.3, Feel Jupitus...

0:24:580:25:01

LAUGHTER

0:25:010:25:03

..No.4, Feel Like Making Love,

0:25:030:25:06

or No.5, I Feel Like We've Met Before?

0:25:060:25:09

No.3 is Michael Winner, so it can't be him.

0:25:110:25:14

LAUGHTER

0:25:140:25:16

No.2 is Vinnie Jones's dad.

0:25:180:25:21

He is, look. No.2 is from Camelot.

0:25:230:25:27

I'm pretty sure it's not No.5.

0:25:290:25:32

If it is No.5, then someone's going to pop out of it.

0:25:320:25:36

I think it's a trick question. What, Davros? Yeah, Bobby Davros.

0:25:360:25:40

The king prawn's going to come out.

0:25:400:25:43

I think it's probably No.1. Really?

0:25:430:25:46

I'm looking at No.4. I'm not quite sure why.

0:25:460:25:50

They were quite a sort of tight, sort of sharp, kind of cheek-bony, chewing gum kind of band.

0:25:540:26:00

Oh, so it's... You're saying it's either No.1 or 4?

0:26:000:26:04

He's still got the same gum. He's still got the gum. Shit! It's the Hubba Bubba Overlord!

0:26:040:26:11

2's got the shiniest shoes. He's got the shiniest shoes.

0:26:110:26:16

That's a good point. Once a Mod, always a Mod.

0:26:160:26:19

Let's have a look at the shoes. Yeah, he's grown out of his wedges.

0:26:190:26:23

The Dalek's shoes are appalling(!)

0:26:230:26:26

They're like built-up shoes.

0:26:260:26:30

Are you telling me we've got an orthopaedic Dalek here?

0:26:300:26:34

All right, it's No.2.

0:26:360:26:38

Let's find out. Would the real John B Sparks step forward?

0:26:390:26:42

APPLAUSE

0:26:420:26:45

Currently promoting a new documentary about Dr Feelgood, John B Sparks, ladies and gentlemen!

0:26:510:26:57

APPLAUSE

0:26:570:27:00

So we end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

0:27:050:27:11

And your time starts now. "Flash, a-ah...

0:27:110:27:14

"Saviour of the universe." From Queen. "Gossip calypso, gossip calypso...

0:27:140:27:20

"Hear all about it, yak-a-yak-yak." Bernard Cribbins. "'Right' said Fred..."

0:27:200:27:25

# "Right" said Fred "Both of us together, one each end and steady as you go..." # Brilliant.

0:27:250:27:31

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear...

0:27:310:27:35

"Bernard Cribbins." "David." Sorry, it's Christmas, it's Jesus.

0:27:350:27:39

"Exterminate...

0:27:390:27:42

"Exterminate." Yes, the Daleks. "Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who?"

0:27:420:27:47

Correct.

0:27:470:27:49

"Who are you...?"

0:27:490:27:52

This is Phill Jupitus, I'm Bernard Cribbins. I'm Jo Whiley.

0:27:520:27:58

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:27:580:28:00

APPLAUSE

0:28:000:28:03

Very good. You've got 12 points.

0:28:030:28:06

I know. Noel's team, you've got four points.

0:28:060:28:10

You've got eight to make up, nine to win. Are you ready? I'm imagining we won't do it.

0:28:100:28:16

Your time starts now. "Ground Control to Major Tom...

0:28:160:28:20

"Put your records on and do something with your hair."

0:28:200:28:24

"Put your spacesuit on?"

0:28:240:28:27

# Ground Control to Major Tom

0:28:270:28:30

# Something about the cigarettes... # I don't know!

0:28:300:28:33

"Commencing countdown, engines on." David Bowie. "Intergalactic planetary...

0:28:330:28:38

"Intergalactic planetary...

0:28:380:28:40

"Planetary intergalactic." Beastie Boys, yes. "21st century kid...

0:28:400:28:46

"Surrounded by illusion and confusion." Yes, Jamie Cullum.

0:28:460:28:50

"Plinky plonk plink..." Jamie, it's one for you.

0:28:500:28:53

Anything that I've ever done. "Plonky plink plink plonk." Damn it!

0:28:530:28:58

"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones..."

0:28:580:29:01

# I will try to fix you... # Is it not?

0:29:010:29:05

# I will try

0:29:050:29:08

# To fix you... #

0:29:080:29:10

APPLAUSE

0:29:100:29:14

"Doctor, doctor, can't you see? I'm burning, burning." Thompson Twins.

0:29:160:29:21

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." "Pull yourself together." Correct.

0:29:210:29:26

"Doctor, doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck down my pants." "Who's driving you?" Nearly.

0:29:260:29:31

Down your pants. "Are your balls driving you?"

0:29:310:29:34

"It's driving me nuts!" That's it. "Doctor, doctor, I have a strawberry on my head."

0:29:340:29:40

"You must be a cone."

0:29:400:29:42

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:420:29:45

No?

0:29:450:29:48

"Try not to scream"? "Don't scream about it"?

0:29:480:29:52

"Just get out, it's ridiculous." "I'll give you some cream for that!"

0:29:520:29:56

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

0:29:560:29:58

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time,

0:30:000:30:04

so I'm pleased to announce it's a draw!

0:30:040:30:08

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:080:30:11

Thanks to Phill, Bernard and Jo, Noel, Catherine and Jamie.

0:30:160:30:20

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night and Merry Christmas!

0:30:200:30:24

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2009

0:30:460:30:50

Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:30:500:30:53

David Tennant hosts a special Dr Who-themed show with team captains Phill Jupitus and Noel Fielding. Guests include Dr Who stars Bernard Cribbins and Catherine Tate, plus platinum-selling jazz artist Jamie Cullum and Radio 1's Jo Whiley.