The Doctor Who Special Never Mind the Buzzcocks

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

And we'll add the materialisation effect in afterwards, yeah?

Good. Thanks. Hello!

Welcome to the show. On Noel's team tonight...

He's the jazz singer who's engaged to Sophie Dahl.

I've heard she's only after him for his Big Friendly Giant. It's Jamie Cullum!

APPLAUSE

She's one of a long line of comedy legends to appear on Doctor Who

after Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Bobby Davros!

It's Catherine Tate! APPLAUSE

And on Phill's team...

# "Right" said Fred "Both of us together..." #

He was the voice of The Wombles and has even had hits in the pop charts.

I'm looking forward to his next album, Uncle Bulgaria's Grindcore Odyssey. It's Bernard Cribbins!

APPLAUSE I heard that!

And as a top Radio 1 DJ, she's got some of the biggest names in music on her speed dial.

Bit of a shame we didn't ask her to call them. It's Jo Whiley!

APPLAUSE

Those are the teams. Let's get on with the quiz before I fall back through a wormhole in time and space

and turn back into Sylvester McCoy!

APPLAUSE

So we begin with Connections. Phill, Bernard and Jo, look at this.

What happened when Busted died and regenerated, it's jingly-jangly, kiddie punk merchants McFly.

# Girl, I gotta tell you I'm feelin' much better

# Make a little love in the moonlight... #

# I don't want to be a soldier... #

You're expecting a funny line, but I don't care what anyone else says. I like Coldplay. All right?

I like Come Dine With Me and Honey Nut Shredded Wheat. Deal with it!

# So if you love me, why did you let me go...? #

That was Coldplay with Violet Hill and McFly with Star Girl.

What connects the two bands, Phill's team?

I hate Coldplay. I can't stand them.

They're such an easy target. I like them.

I'm not mad about that cereal you eat either.

They're not an easy target because that Christopher fella jumps around the stage quite a bit.

I have tried to hit him a number of times.

If you try a shotgun, you get a nice spread, you'll catch him on the move.

I'll be taking Cribbins' advice.

Their manager phoned me up and said, "You're both very mean to Coldplay,"

then texted me and said, "But I know it's very cool to hate Coldplay."

So I texted her back, "I just want to say I wasn't trying to be cool.

"I genuinely hate Coldplay...

"Just for the record."

# I will try

# To fix you... #

APPLAUSE

I met Chris Martin once. Yes? Yeah. Do tell. I met him probably six or seven years ago.

I didn't realise he was the lead singer of Coldplay. He said, "I like that old lady character you do.

"The old lady who works in our studio is like that."

I said, "Oh, what are you doing in a studio?"

And he said, "Oh, I've got a band."

And I said, "Well, you know, good luck with that. Good luck with that."

And when I came back to my friends, my little cousin said, "Was that Chris Martin from Coldplay?"

I said, "I hope not."

LAUGHTER

He could be a Doctor Who baddie... You're quite a Doctor Who fan? Yes.

Would you rather be answering questions on music or Doctor Who? Probably on Doctor Who.

Oh, no!

THEME MUSIC: "Doctor Who"

Jo, how many hearts does the Doctor have?

He has two hearts. Catherine, would you rather be answering questions on music or Doctor Who?

I only realised you shouldn't call the Daleks robots about a week ago!

I have learnt a bit by osmosis. Let's see. What does TARDIS stand for?

You can do this. Ssh!

And you, put your hand down!

Time And Dimension In Space.

Time And Relative Dimension In Space. ..Nearly. I think we have to give that to Jo Whiley.

If she'd not put me off... Jo, who created the Daleks?

That was Davros, wasn't it? Absolutely correct.

Is Davros that small one with the weird face, looks like a prawn?

A bit like a prawn, yeah.

I like prawns. They're nice.

Bernard, I can see there's going to be a clash between our styles.

I'll look like a right mainstream idiot when you've been on!

Jo Whiley gets the point on the Doctor Who quiz. I should have been the assistant, not you!

Oh, all right! AUDIENCE: Ooh!

CATHERINE: Yes!

You were good as the assistant. Thanks. You don't need to know anything. I'm supposed to be dim.

I played the part quite well!

I didn't even know he wasn't called Doctor Who!

I thought his name was Doctor Who, but he's called The Doctor. Yes.

I thought you were Mr Who, who...

I did! ..who was a doctor.

Jamie, are you lost?

I have absolutely no idea what anyone's talking about.

Can I just ask you... Yes. Is it true that you head-butted Natasha Bedingfield?

No, I accidentally head-butted her while accompanying her on the piano.

Were you trying for Daniel?

We had Daniel on this show once and you mustn't give him sweets. He goes mad if you give him sweets.

He arrived in the green room and he found a big basket of Mars Bars.

He ate them all and it took us half an hour to get him off the ceiling!

We had to get one of them things you open school windows with.

I probably would have left him up there, to be honest.

Let's get back to the question. What is the link between Coldplay and McFly?

Phill? Oh, um, their music has been sent into space.

Is surprisingly the correct answer. APPLAUSE

Both have had their music beamed across the solar system by NASA to the International Space Station.

It was annoying for the astronauts as they'd actually requested more oxygen canisters.

McFly's song had the lyrics,

"There's nothing on Earth that could save us when I fell in love with Uranus,"

which, as it happens, was a line removed from the pilot episode of Torchwood.

Barrowman!

Dougie once received a thong in the post that had "Turn your erection in my direction" written on it.

Barrowman!

APPLAUSE

And Coldplay are really good. Deal with it!

Noel, Jamie and Catherine, take a look at this.

# In the snow with Rosebud... #

It's the only known sound in the universe that repels Cybermen...

No, actually, I quite like her too. It's Kate Bush. Deal with it!

# Is telling us she's having your baby... #

# Bodies making chemistry... #

He's a man who needs Take That more than a Dalek needs a bungalow - Robbie Williams.

# That's the way it's gonna be All we've ever wanted

# Is to look good naked

# Hope that someone can take it... #

That was King Of The Mountain by Kate Bush and Bodies by Robbie Williams.

What do the singers have in common, Noel's team?

Can we look at Robbie? There's a bit where he's standing on the wing of a plane.

I like to imagine that the pilot went, "Robbie, I've left my wallet on the plane.

"Could you pop out and get that for us? Yeah, just down the end."

That was actually taken at 30,000 feet and they drew the ground in afterwards.

Do you want to come and write for The Boosh?

It's that weird kind of... He does that kind of psoriasis move. Yeah.

Why is he doing that? Has that got anything to do with Kate Bush?

Does she have a skin condition?

It's not what I've got on the card.

He's mental. He's probably just brushing an imaginary hawk off his shoulder.

"It's back again! The hawk!"

That's the pilot's wallet.

"It's got the face of Gary Barlow!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's really into his aliens, that aliens exist and things like that.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! You're getting warm.

Maybe that's the link because this is a bit themed of supernatural, this show, isn't it, because of you!

LAUGHTER

What's that stuff... It's like we've never met.

What do they call that thing? Sci-fi? Sci-fi.

That's what I meant.

There is another clue, possibly from a previous job, just to your left. Oh, look out!

Oh, I've seen that before.

Has that been there all along?

"I couldn't hear the noise."

No. Normally, it's like a horn or something, innit?

We're back to Barrowman!

Kate Bush, in that video, looked like Fern Britton.

When Wuthering Heights came out, the song,

everyone thought it was written, the song was written in the book.

When I was at school and Robin... No, not Robin Hood. What is it? Kate Bush!

Can I just say, if you've brought any sandwiches, this is the time to eat them.

Didn't everyone think, when it was No.1, that they said if you go to the library and borrow Wuthering Heights,

it would have the words in it?

- No. - They did, Bernard.

- No, they never did. - But it didn't.

LAUGHTER

I did an interview for a Dali documentary today and it wasn't half as weird as this.

It's not that then? It's not that, no. I don't know what that is, to be honest, but it isn't it.

You were stumbling towards an answer about UFOs. They think aliens are real. Correct, yes.

APPLAUSE

The answer is both have been involved in the search for UFOs.

Robbie Williams visits observatories in Nevada to look for them

and Kate Bush was head of a local UFO investigation group.

I've faced many terrifying beasts as the Doctor.

The most gruesome was the life form that regenerated every time you thought you'd killed it -

the Sugababes.

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's the Intros Round. Phill and Bernard, here are yours for Jo. Thank you.

This week, because I'm the Doctor, you can have help from the Tardis.

Just ask me if you need assistance. Take it away.

# Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da

# Da-da, da-da, da, da, da, da-da-da Da-da, da-da, da-da-da... #

Help!

You need help? Yeah, I need some help, please.

OK, Tardis, Tardis, what can you send forth?

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

Hello, Mr Ood. How are you?

Is that Andre Agassi?

LAUGHTER

We need you to help Jo Whiley. Would you oblige?

# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh

# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh

# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh

# Ba-doh, ba-doh, oh-oh-oh, ba-doh... #

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Mr Ood. Can you stop staring at me?

I look like that when I have linguini.

I look like that when I've got a cold.

Is it Yazoo, Don't Go?

Don't Go! APPLAUSE

This is how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

And your next intro, please.

One, two, three, four... # Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

# Shuck-da-um Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

# Shuck-da-um Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo

# Down-nown Shuck-da-um... #

Is that right? It's... # Ooh-eh-eh-i-oh... #

Tight Fit, In The Jungle? No, not Tight Fit.

# Ooh-eh-ooh... # Lion Sleeps Tonight? ..Sort of.

# Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo... # When? Now?

# Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-i-oh-oh

# Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da-doo Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-ooh

# Ooh-eh-ooh-eh-ooh... #

APPLAUSE

He's started. I took it up an octave there. Did you notice?

I've got no idea. I'm sorry.

We'll swing it over... LAUGHTER

Jo Whiley's going to... Let's wait till we get it right first. OK, OK.

We think we know it. Yeah, but you should take this moment because... Go on.

Is it by any chance...?

I'll be honest with you, Catherine. I don't think it is.

Is it by any chance the theme from Doctor Who?

No. No?

What a stupid question! Oh, get out of it!

Was it Muse? Is it a Muse track? What Muse track is it?

Invincible? No, it's Uprising. Here's how it should have sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

So that was Muse with Uprising.

Muse's Matt Bellamy once cancelled a day of interviews because he said an asteroid would hit the Earth.

Not the first time he's tried to pull that stunt.

He once claimed the world was going to burst into a ball of fiery destruction just to get out of PE.

Matt Bellamy has been plagued by letters from fans,

claiming they would commit suicide unless he sleeps with them.

Barrowman!

APPLAUSE

Noel and Jamie, here are yours for Catherine.

Good luck. Don't worry. The Tardis can help you.

Are these songs people will have heard of?

People, not you.

Cos I don't know songs I've never heard of.

I think you'll know the first one.

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

# La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la La-la-la, la-la, la-la-la...

# Something about Kylie

# And I can't do it

# I know the words What are they?

# Ta-hee-da-da-va... #

Stop it, you're putting me off!

I Just... I Just Can't Get You Out Of Mind!

Yes, close enough!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh...

CROAKY VOICE: This is how it should've sounded.

INTRO PLAYS

That's the tricky bit. Yeah, I wouldn't have got that bit.

# La-la-la... # That bit I would have got.

Then you go, "Oh, I can't remember the words!"

What are your areas of expertise? I like astrology.

Got any questions on astrology? I wouldn't dirty my mouth with them!

Yeah, typical Aries!

LAUGHTER

Next one, please.

# Brrm-brrm-brrm Dun-dugga-dun, dun-dugga-dun

# Ba-ba-ba-boo, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

# Ba-ba-ba-boo Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

# Dun-dugga-dun, dun-dugga-dun Ba-ba-ba-boo, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo

# Ba-ba-ba-boo... # I think I know it.

Is it...? Before you settle on something, it's probably worth... I'd ask the Tardis.

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-boo Dun-dugga-dun... #

I'm going to ask the Tardis!

For God's sake! It won't be any help, but you might as well.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Oh, could you tell me what it is?

THEY PLAY INTRO

APPLAUSE

Give thanks to the Fulham Brass Band, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Catherine, what do you reckon? Are they the new baddies in Doctor Who?

You'll have to wait and see. Are they from the Tardis's sex chamber?

Does he have a room for getting it on, the Doctor? Does he have sex? He has had children.

Do you think he ever got busy with a Dalek?

MIMICS DALEK: Harder! Harder! Harder!

Harder! Harder!

Harder!

WD-40, you need.

LAUGHTER

I don't know who it's by, but is it... Please God, let it be! The Final Countdown? Catherine Tate!

APPLAUSE Who's it by?

By Europe. This it what it should've sounded like.

INTRO PLAYS

That was Europe with The Final... Shut up!

That was Europe with The Final Countdown about the destruction of Planet Earth

and humanity heading for Venus.

Venus isn't bad. I've been to many planets and you'd be surprised how many look like quarries in Wales.

In 1987, Europe had their second hit with their No.12 single, Rock The Night.

No, me neither.

You heard Kylie Minogue with Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

Kylie's favourite bra fetched a staggering ?6,000 on eBay.

Do you want to see it? LAUGHTER

When I heard that, I thought, "I've got Cribbins' Y-fronts.

"He can sign the gusset and I'll whack 'em on eBay straight away!"

Your line was better.

Round 3 is the Identity Parade. Phill, Bernard and Jo, how about a doctor from the '80s?

For the audience only, here is Doctor And The Medics.

# Goin' on up to the spirit in the sky

# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best... #

That was Doctor And The Medics with their 1986 No.1, Spirit In The Sky.

But which of our line-up is guitarist Steve McGuire?

Is it No.1, Doctor And The Medics,

No.2, Dr Shipman...

LAUGHTER

No.3, Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman...

..No.4, Doctored His Passport,

or No.5, The Doctor Said It Was Supposed To Look Like That?

Phill's team. This is Goldie Lookin Chain, isn't it, in ten years' time?

Any idea? I've got a number of ideas. Yeah.

Can we concentrate on this for the moment?

I think No.2 for some strange reason, I have no idea why.

Looks like a musician. Are you saying that No.3 couldn't rock hard?

I think he grows good vegetables.

He grows something all right!

I think No.5 wasn't even born then, was he?

No, I don't think so. No, he's only about 12.

I'm going to say 1. It's 1 or 2. It's definitely 1 or 2.

Well, 1 is so bored, he could be.

1 is the one that really scares me. I can't look him in the eye!

You're team captain. You choose.

No.1. No.1. It's going to be No.2, isn't it? No.1.

Will the real Steve McGuire step forward?

No way, no way!

APPLAUSE

Long, blond hair(!)

Now working as a tour manager, Steve McGuire, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Noel, Jamie and Catherine, how about a slightly earlier blues rock doctor?

For the audience only, Dr Feelgood.

# I decided eventually

# This ain't doing a thing for me

# They got him on milk and alcohol

# They got him on milk and alcohol... #

That was Dr Feelgood in 1979 with Milk And Alcohol, but which of our line-up is bassist John B Sparks?

Is it No.1, Feelgood,

No.2, Feel Bad,

No.3, Feel Jupitus...

LAUGHTER

..No.4, Feel Like Making Love,

or No.5, I Feel Like We've Met Before?

No.3 is Michael Winner, so it can't be him.

LAUGHTER

No.2 is Vinnie Jones's dad.

He is, look. No.2 is from Camelot.

I'm pretty sure it's not No.5.

If it is No.5, then someone's going to pop out of it.

I think it's a trick question. What, Davros? Yeah, Bobby Davros.

The king prawn's going to come out.

I think it's probably No.1. Really?

I'm looking at No.4. I'm not quite sure why.

They were quite a sort of tight, sort of sharp, kind of cheek-bony, chewing gum kind of band.

Oh, so it's... You're saying it's either No.1 or 4?

He's still got the same gum. He's still got the gum. Shit! It's the Hubba Bubba Overlord!

2's got the shiniest shoes. He's got the shiniest shoes.

That's a good point. Once a Mod, always a Mod.

Let's have a look at the shoes. Yeah, he's grown out of his wedges.

The Dalek's shoes are appalling(!)

They're like built-up shoes.

Are you telling me we've got an orthopaedic Dalek here?

All right, it's No.2.

Let's find out. Would the real John B Sparks step forward?

APPLAUSE

Currently promoting a new documentary about Dr Feelgood, John B Sparks, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

So we end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first.

And your time starts now. "Flash, a-ah...

"Saviour of the universe." From Queen. "Gossip calypso, gossip calypso...

"Hear all about it, yak-a-yak-yak." Bernard Cribbins. "'Right' said Fred..."

# "Right" said Fred "Both of us together, one each end and steady as you go..." # Brilliant.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear...

"Bernard Cribbins." "David." Sorry, it's Christmas, it's Jesus.

"Exterminate...

"Exterminate." Yes, the Daleks. "Knock knock. Who's there? Doctor. Doctor who?"

Correct.

"Who are you...?"

This is Phill Jupitus, I'm Bernard Cribbins. I'm Jo Whiley.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

APPLAUSE

Very good. You've got 12 points.

I know. Noel's team, you've got four points.

You've got eight to make up, nine to win. Are you ready? I'm imagining we won't do it.

Your time starts now. "Ground Control to Major Tom...

"Put your records on and do something with your hair."

"Put your spacesuit on?"

# Ground Control to Major Tom

# Something about the cigarettes... # I don't know!

"Commencing countdown, engines on." David Bowie. "Intergalactic planetary...

"Intergalactic planetary...

"Planetary intergalactic." Beastie Boys, yes. "21st century kid...

"Surrounded by illusion and confusion." Yes, Jamie Cullum.

"Plinky plonk plink..." Jamie, it's one for you.

Anything that I've ever done. "Plonky plink plink plonk." Damn it!

"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones..."

# I will try to fix you... # Is it not?

# I will try

# To fix you... #

APPLAUSE

"Doctor, doctor, can't you see? I'm burning, burning." Thompson Twins.

"Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." "Pull yourself together." Correct.

"Doctor, doctor, I've got a steering wheel stuck down my pants." "Who's driving you?" Nearly.

Down your pants. "Are your balls driving you?"

"It's driving me nuts!" That's it. "Doctor, doctor, I have a strawberry on my head."

"You must be a cone."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No?

"Try not to scream"? "Don't scream about it"?

"Just get out, it's ridiculous." "I'll give you some cream for that!"

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's Christmas time,

so I'm pleased to announce it's a draw!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks to Phill, Bernard and Jo, Noel, Catherine and Jamie.

This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Good night and Merry Christmas!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2009

Email [email protected]