Episode 1 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 1

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Hello and welcome to No Such Thing As The News, coming to you from up

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the creek in Greenwich, London. I am Dan Schreiber with Anna Ptaszynski,

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Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin. Each week we will take a

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look at the most interesting things we have found in the news of the

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last seven days. We are not here to scare you, make you angry, tell you

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what to think, give opinions on Brexit, but we might tell you that

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according to a recent survey 46% of people in Japan hide when someone

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rings their doorbell. Let's begin, starting with fact number one, and

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that is Andrew Hunter Murray. The House of Commons has a special

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security measure designed to stop the gunpowder plot from ever

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happening again. What happens is before the Queen's Speech, which

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happened on Wednesday, there is a ceremony where the Yeoman of the

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guard, a special military body, search the cellars of the House of

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Commons for gunpowder, looking with candlelight and tonnes. Which, if

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you are looking for gunpowder... I will show you quickly what they look

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like. These are the Yeomen of the Guard. They have their lanterns.

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This is what it's protecting... The last line of defence. They look

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around, don't find any and they say it is fine. I should point out the

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Metropolitan Police conduct a more modern search. I wondered if they

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might find some dummy gunpowder that a security firm had left. The other

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thing about the Queen's Speech is Black Rod, most of us have heard of.

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It is very hard to search for him on the internet! Basically, he is a

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parliamentary official, technically called the gentleman Usher of the

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Black Rod, because he carries a black staff. The current guy in

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office is called David Leakey. He has the right to detain people in

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the houses of parliament, specifically in the House of Lords.

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I can detain people in my house. He said, I normally hand them straight

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over to the police. There was a thing in the way he said "Normally".

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Sometimes I rough them up. A lot of places in the news went with the

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fact that the Queen took the lift for the first time. Not for the

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first time in her life. Normally she goes up the stairs into Parliament

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but this time she got the lift because her knees are bad. Another

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time she took the lift, she wanted to go down one floor and her and

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Prince Philip pressed the wrong button and went up one floor. They

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got to the next floor and there was a peer from the House of Lords

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opened the door and the Queen and Prince Philip were in front of him.

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They went... They pressed the button and instead of going back down they

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went up another floor and ended up in the Parliamentary archives, OK.

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They pressed the button to go back to the bottom floor and ended up

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exactly where they started and just walked down the stairs anyway. That

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could be a heart-warming children's story. The other thing that happens

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during the Queen 's speech is that the palace takes a hostage MP, which

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is another very old-fashioned tradition. This year it was

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ex-Housing Minister Chris Hopkins, who just went to Buckingham Palace

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for the speech. This is supposedly in case Parliament decides they will

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keep the Queen, and then at least Buckingham Palace can say, we have

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the ex-housing minister here. I read an article in the Daily Mail and

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they were talking about this guy who was taken hostage. Prince Philip

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used to enjoy reminding the MP that if Prince Philip and the Queen never

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came back, he would have his head chopped off. But the Queen said,

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actually, it is nothing to do with you, it is only if I don't come

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back. Finally, Prince Philip got very angry with that and he doesn't

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do the joke any more. Wouldn't it be awful if they chopped off his head

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and it turned out that the Queen and Prince Philip had just been in a

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lift? APPLAUSE

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Speaking of Prince Philip getting jealous of the Queen, I was looking

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into the only other Queen in the world at the moment, Queen Margaret

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of Denmark. Her husband has just resigned his position because he

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thinks it is not gender equal. So he has resigned in a strop, earlier

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this year, couple of months ago. He said all of the Queens in the world

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have made their husband King consort, why should I be under my

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wife? I will never accept it, it makes me angry that I'm subjected to

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discrimination. He has been campaigning to be called King for

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many years, so he has gone off in a strop. That is a marriage on some

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rocks. Interesting he had to say, why should I be under my wife! I was

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looking at other parliaments around the world. If possible, even more

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exciting stuff is happening elsewhere. One of the more exciting

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ones is the Ukrainian one. There are brawls that break-out constantly in

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the Ukrainian parliament. There is a particularly bizarre one in December

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last year where the Ukrainian Prime Minister was dragged from his podium

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as he was about to give a speech. The person who was going to drag him

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from the podium in protest, another MP, approached holding a bouquet of

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roses, so there was a confused moment where he thought, that is

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nice, he is bringing me roses. He takes them, and then the guy grabs

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him and start dragging him from the podium. It was an ignominious scene.

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And then the guy who is dragging him gets distracted by a brawl to his

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left. He puts the Prime Minister down, and you see the Prime Minister

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holding these roses looking at these MPs fighting and thinking, what on

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earth are we supposed to do? Didn't the Canadian Prime Minister get in

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trouble for elbowing somebody? So the Prime Minister is Justin

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Trudeau, of Canada. I think he apologised. There was a brawl and he

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turned round and elbowed someone in the chest. He was trying to Usher

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and MP to his seat and he did not see a lady behind him. It was a

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little nick of the elbow, it looked like. I am not her and I did not

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feel it. She had to leave the house for a while to recover and her

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colleague, a fellow MP said, young women in this space need to feel

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safe to come here and to work here. I am as feminist as the next person,

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but I am not sure that is a massive gender issue that he accidentally

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backed into a woman. I have a great fact about Canadian politics.

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Canadian politician Vicki Huntington received a round of applause after

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parliament rejected her appeal asking to ban rounds of applause.

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APPLAUSE We will send that over to her. We

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need to move on, so anything? Apparently one of the Queen's rounds

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is too heavy to wear all the time. The Imperial State Crown is the same

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weight as the smallest ever cat, who was called Tinker toy, or the same

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weight as a human brain. If you can imagine wearing a brain or a small

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cat on your head, that is what it is like to be Queen. Time for fact

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number two. My fact is that the International Space Station has

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quadruple glazed windows. This is actually, I love it because it is

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quite a mundane thing to find out about the windows of the

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International Space Station. The reason we know it this week is

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because of Tim Peake, who tweeted a picture of one of the windows. This

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is it, and this is a chip that has appeared in the window because it

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has been hit by a bit of debris. Fortunately, the thing that hit it

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was only the size of a flick of paint. A fleck of paint, and that is

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the damage because things are travelling at such speed in space.

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Apparently, if the International Space Station was hit on that window

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by something the size of a pen lid, there would be enough energy for it

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to be the equivalent of a hand grenade, so it would deep rash rise

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and we would lose potentially all of the International Space Station. I

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read that what caused the chip might have been a piece of debris a feud

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thousand is of a millimetre. I tried to find out what else is that size,

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so the head of a sperm is five thousandths of a millimetre. Which

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is why Selt pleasuring is banned. I do think they put it out into space.

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Wind down the window, four times for each glazing. They did used to

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reject theses. Bars all dreamt would have a poo and it would come back at

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the ship and take it out. How many ships were lost? It has been quite a

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big week generally for the ISS. Not only did we see this picture from

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Tim Peake with the chip in the window, but also the Monday just

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gone was the hundred thousandth orbit that the ISS has made. While

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the International Space Station was doing that orbit, do you know what

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they were doing on board? Partying, having sex, going mental for 45

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minutes. Almost. They were testing the grip strength of mice. How do

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you do that? In my head, it is because it is going around the world

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and the mice are going... You have a little machine and a net on it and

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you put the mouse on the net and it holds on and then you start pulling.

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And you keep pulling until it lets go, and that is how strong its grip

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is. The reason they are doing that is because they want to see how

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muscles atrophy in space. It is one of those things you never think to

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look into but the day-to-day mundane life of an astronaut living in

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space. Did you know there are no pillows in space? You would not need

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to rest your head. I figured you would have won against a wall, at

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least. But you know when we turn around looking for the best position

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in bed, space is the best position. You just hang there. They also have

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a lot of instruments. Chris Hadfield played a song by David Bowie on

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guitar. They also have a didgeridoo. I have not seen any footage of

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anyone attempting a song. I do not know why it is there. Do you know

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how they do laundry on the International Space Station? They

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don't. They throw away their clothes every few weeks and burn them up

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into the atmosphere because there is no good way of washing clothes.

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Water is a valuable, 30 on the ISS. The way they recycle water is

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incredible. They recycle 3.6 gallons of water every day. They recycle

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their own your income and also the euro and of their lab rats, any

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animals they have on there. The majority of water they drink and

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wash with is recycled in that way, but it still is to be topped up with

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extra water once in awhile. One tech magazine worked out the cost of the

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average bottle of water on the ISS. I worked out that it would buy you

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1400 pints of beer in London. ?7,000 for one bottle of water. The thing

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with water on the International Space Station, it is inevitable that

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American astronauts will have consumed Russian P and Russian

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astronauts will have consumed American P. Going back to the grip

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of mice, the latest consignment of experimental dear to the

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International Space Station was in March this year and they sent gecko

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pads. They have been doing experiments on earth into what makes

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a gecko stick to a wall, and they have sent these pads to space to

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help them experiment. I sometimes think if you are on the ISS, it

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reminds me of going to a shop to get milk and then your friend says, can

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you get this, and that and that. They deliver 1000 scientific

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experiments and then say, would you mind testing gecko pads? Learn the

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didgeridoos! I was thinking of what they could

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make the windows out of the make them better. This week they have

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made see-through wood. It is amazing. I have a picture here. You

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will not be able to see it. A slight flaw. You can tell at his word

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because it has that word written on it. -- it is wood. It's amazing,

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they put chemicals in it which gets rid of the stuff that gives a

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colour. They have only done five inches five" but they think that in

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future we might be able to make windows out of this because class is

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the kind of thing that shatters easily but Wood is a better

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substance. Could you have invisible tables? That is the extent of my

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imagination. What am I sitting behind? We could get invisible

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trees, which are made out of wood. A whole forest but now one can see.

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You would spend your entire walk through a forest going, oh, what is

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that?! I can see the word order the trees. -- I cannot see the wood or

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the trees. Halfway through, time to look at the stories that you have

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sent into us. What have you got? This was tweeted from Katie Gibson

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and the fact is that a person called Pope McCorkle the third has won the

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2016 name of the year competition. This is a real person. A public

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policy Professor at Duke University. I remember that one because I really

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wanted sweet orifice to win. Sweet Orifice is a real person who

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unbelievably did not win. Another finalist was called Tillman

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Buttersack. We got this one from Ninja. Zoo It is from Northern

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Territory news. Firemen had to be called to an Australian hospital

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after a man got his penis stuck in a spanner. They used a tiny angle

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grinder to cut the spanner away. Please could you leave the word tiny

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out of the press release. Please. People may have seen this story, it

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but it is so good. This was sent in from Chris Emerson, and it is from

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the Independent and it is the fact that students from the University of

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East Anglia have been told that they cannot throw mortar boards at their

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graduation but they can mind that the action and have the hats.

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Shocked in for an extra ?8. -- mime the action. One guy going like that

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and the girl next are going, I cannot afford that. Time to move

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onto Anna Ptaszynski. My fact is that according to the former head of

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the Russian anti-doping laboratory, male athletes take the drugs with

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whiskey while female athletes take them with a martini. So these are

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the revelations came out in the New York Times interview last week. And

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this was the former head of the Russian anti-doping agency, Dr Bonar

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Janco, and he talked about how he had been systematically allowing

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athletes to dope and concealing it. And he said the reason you include

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alcohol in the samples was to increase the absorption time and

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shot in the absorption window. I am sure everyone will understand

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exactly why alcohol does that, so you will not need the details. Would

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you like your martini shaken, stirred or full of drugs? So who is

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this guy? This guy was officially responsible during the Soviet

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Olympics for checking that athletes were not doping, and he has given

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this interview which reads like an incredibly good John le Carre novel.

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It was made clear to him that he would have to help athletes conceal

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their doping according to this interview. So he said that at night

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he had received a signal that said that the urinal was ready and he

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would go into room 124, officially the storage space where they do

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stuff they are not supposed to be doing and he would have the you're

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in of the athletes that he had taken. And he would go to a little

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hole in the wall at third level, and he would slip that through the hole

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in the wall and one of his colleagues on the other night would

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slip in a clean sample that they had taken a few months earlier, and he

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would take that and replace it. Exciting stuff. You can see why he

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was drawn to it. And the other thing, they have announced that they

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have had a massive drugs haul, but not recently. This is from the

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Beijing games. They have announced that they have 31 athletes from 12

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different countries, and this is because they have developed new

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tests but they still have the you're in samples. There are thousands of

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bottles of athletes' wee. This is an advert for stalkers out there. Maria

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Sharapova's 8-year-old wee exists out there. Drag it down. -- track it

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down. That is the problem. I read an article that said that the only

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athletes that we catch are the ones that are doing things that are not

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that good because anyone who is doing anything any good, we are not

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ready to catch them yet. And that is why we are only now going through

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the Beijing guys and I think they are about to test a load of people

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from London 2012. I remember reading a blog a while ago about the East

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Germans and West Germans and we knew for a while that the East Germans

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were doping but it turned out that the West Germans were doping as well

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the whole time, doing really weird stuff. One of the things, they would

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pump air into the colon is of swimmers to make them more buoyant.

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-- colons. These things only came out in the 21st century. That is a

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long time for it to be in there! Can we do a few things on drugs?

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Yes! Some facts about drugs. They have just, Colombia has just had its

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biggest ever drug haul, absolutely massive, tonnes of drugs. And I

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worked out that it was eight times, I think. I think it was cocaine.

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Eight tonnes of cocaine. I worked out that would be enough to get

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every elephant on Earth- is the or the entire population of Bulgaria,

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or the entire population of Wales, very, very high. And have a picture

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which? These drugs were worth ?240 million. -- have they picked which.

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That could buy you the entire Tottenham squad. We need to move on,

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anything before that? I can tell you how use lignite useless sniffer jobs

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-- how useless sniffer dogs are at finding drugs? From personal

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experience? I was Colombia. Congratulations on buying Tottenham

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Hotspur. This came out this week that sniffer dogs have been trained

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at Manchester airport over the past couple of years to detect various

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banned substances. Primarily, drugs. That was a high priority. And it

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turns out that the dogs made multiple accurate detections but

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most were of small amounts of cheese or sausages, posing minimal risk to

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the UK public health. They managed to detect zero drugs. OK, time for

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our final fact of the show. James Harkin? My fact is that scientists

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have turned water into wine. Not traditionally the preserve of the

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science. Much more of a religious thing. This is an article I read in

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new scientist this week two scientists who work in a food lab in

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San Francisco. And they saw a wine that they could not afford and they

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thought, I really want to whine like that. And they thought, well, we

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have loads of chemicals so why not make it? So they got a load of water

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and ethanol and flavourings and a few other things and they made

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something that passes as wine. But this could be the future. We will

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all be drinking wine that is not made out of grapes. That is amazing

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although putting a bunch of chemicals together into a drink

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sounds like the kind of thing that guests athletes into trouble. And is

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it good, do they know? Sometimes, but the original ones were not so

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good. They put a different flavours in. They put in a chemical that

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tasted like pineapple, grape juice, line, and butter. And apparently one

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of the first attempts just tasted like melted butter. But it was

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alcoholic melted butter, so... But now they have made one that tastes a

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bit like a particular Italian wine. In other science news, scientists

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performing miracles, scientists have this week invented in magnet wrapped

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in pig intestines. It is a pig intestines to make it more palatable

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to swallow map so it goes into your stomach, and then the intestinal

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unravels and the magnet attracts magnetic materials, and this is to

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deal with the 3500 batteries swallowed by children every year in

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the US alone. The magnet will attach onto that and drag it down out of

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your system and into the toilet bowl. I was looking into science

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news at the weekend and something came up which I really like. Google

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have just patented a new invention. This is it. Basically they have

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invented a sticky thing to put on the front of the that when you get

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hit by a car, rather than its throwing you across the road, you

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just stick to the front. And you know trouble with the car. It does

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not seem like much of an improvement. -- and you now travel

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with the car. If that car hits another car, then that sticks to

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you. You are sandwiched between the cars. And if someone hits the front

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of your car and your vision is obstructed because there is someone

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stuck to your car, you are almost more likely to hit another car. Who

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thought of this?! I think the idea is that they do not want you to just

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keep going. However, it is a great way to get to the hospital quickly.

0:25:210:25:26

Tonnes of cars coming with humans attached! Sirree, I need you to put

0:25:270:25:36

a servicing for the car. -- Siri. I saw this bait and because it was in

0:25:370:25:41

the news. I found a load of other patents that Google has brought out

0:25:420:25:46

in the last couple of years. A system that takes you on a route

0:25:470:25:50

home so that you do not bump into anyone you know. Apparently you are

0:25:510:25:53

going to smell really bad and you were thinking, I don't want to bump

0:25:540:25:57

into anyone, so it takes you away from people. And candy system be

0:25:580:26:03

broadened to all circumstances? We should wrap up very soon. -- can the

0:26:040:26:09

system. I have one scientific story about penises. I want to apologise

0:26:100:26:14

in advance. There has been a study done by the Australian national

0:26:150:26:17

university, testing the theory that male fish with bigger genitals are

0:26:180:26:21

more attractive. The way they did this was to selected bleep breed

0:26:220:26:26

mosquito fish over eight generations to have either massive or tiny

0:26:270:26:33

genitals. -- selectively breed. By the way, the result of the study was

0:26:340:26:36

that for mosquito fish anyway, females do not care and it does not

0:26:370:26:41

affect things. I read a version of that story in the Daily Mail and

0:26:420:26:45

they said that if the same ratio of penis to fish length was applied to

0:26:460:26:50

humans, it would been that the average 5'9" British man's penis

0:26:510:26:56

would be slightly smaller than the average Scottish salmon. We're going

0:26:570:27:07

to need a bigger spanner! OK. That's it. Just time to share with you four

0:27:080:27:12

stories that we did not have time to cover. My story is from the

0:27:130:27:16

Manchester evening news. A man is camping out in a Macdonald car park

0:27:170:27:22

in in protests to not being allowed to use the drive through in his

0:27:230:27:25

horse-drawn caravan. Mine is from the daily Telegraph. It is that

0:27:260:27:31

research at Tel Aviv University and MIT has shown that half the people

0:27:320:27:33

you consider friends do not actually like you. Mine is from BBC News.

0:27:340:27:42

Uzbekistan, due to a shortage of cash in the country's banks,

0:27:430:27:47

teachers have been paid half as much as they are usually paid, and worse

0:27:480:27:51

still, they were paid entirely in chickens. Anna? This is from The

0:27:520:27:59

Times. The French Finance Minister has admitted behaving

0:28:000:28:02

inappropriately towards a female journalist, but has denied twining

0:28:030:28:14

her knickers. -- twanging. And lastly, broadcasting house, Jane

0:28:150:28:20

Hill. That is all from Andy, James, Hannah and me. We will be back again

0:28:210:28:29

next week, with a bunch more facts. See you then. Goodbye.

0:28:300:28:35

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