Episode 2 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 2

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Hello, hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing as the News

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coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich London. My name's Dan

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Schreiber. I'm here with Anna Ptaszynski, Andrew Hunter Murray and

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James Harkin. APPLAUSE

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Last week's debut show attracted a certain amount of comment from

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people saying it looked cheap. A very technical reason for that - we

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have no money. LAUGHTER

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. Literally, none. Many on social media have pointed it out, like this

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person who says, "It looks like a hostage video."

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LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

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Each week we'll talk about the most interesting things we found from the

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last seven days' news. We're not going to Bam barred you with

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statistics nor predict the outcome of the presidential election, but we

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might tell you, for example, that according to a resent study that

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Donald Trump's favourite word is "I" and his fourth favourite word is

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trump. Yeah. OK, let's begin. In no particular order, here we go.

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Starting with you, Anna Ptaszynski. My fact this week is that on his

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trip to Vietnam this week, Obama took with him his own personal blood

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bank, a fake Cadillac and an exact replica of that fake Cadillac.

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LAUGHTER The Cadillac is his presidential

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car, there was an article in autoweek saying it's not really a

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Cadillac because it's entirely designed by the Secret Service. The

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reason is that presidential cars used to be bought from Cadillac then

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they'd revamp them with the security stuff that they needed. So the

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president's car has lots of bullet-proof and bomb proof stuff

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and James Bond style gadgets. They ended up being so heavy and

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cumbersome that the Cadillacs they bought would immediately break down

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constantly. So it just wasn't workable. I love that they call it

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the beast. That's the name of it. When they take it anywhere, Obama is

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like, "Let's get the beast." And it is a beast. You look at it and it's

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a phenomenal thing. The car, as a result of being so heavy, it can't

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go above 65mph. So if you're trying to chase the president... You might

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even be able to do it on foot. The other thing is that it only gets

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about five miles a gallon. If you're chasing after it, you can wait for

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it to run out of petrol. Then you can't do anything. The thing about

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the beast is that it's bomb proof, it's bullet-proof. It can detect

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chemical and biological attacks. There's quite a lot of security

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information about it that has to be concealed. There are things leaked

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and reported on. It has a cabin that can be used as a panic room. It can

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shut out the outside world. Obama has a phone next to him, a direct

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line to the White House, so he can always call up Joe Biden, if he

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wants to. Any of us can turn a room into a panic room. You just go into

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a room and freak out. You missed the premise of that film.

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Special loops replace door handles which allow Secret Service agents to

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hold on when running alongside the car. I cannot think of a situation

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in which that is useful. Why is there a fake one, sorry? The beast

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isn't actually that one car. The beast refers to 12 cars. Everywhere

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Obama goes he takes two with him. He travels in one and the other comes

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along to act as a decoy. I would ask for more than that, if I were him.

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If someone attacks you, there's only a 50/50 chance they're going to get

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it right. Could you bring more? He has a special helicopter called

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marine one, there are two or three of them. At the last moment, the

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right one lands. Oh, the president is in this one. It's like a

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three-cup trick. The president instead of a tiny, red ball. Various

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sources say it only has one window that opens and that is the driver's

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window that only opens 2. 75 inches and that is for the sake of paying

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tolls. I'm sceptical about whether or not Obama is paying tolls as he's

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travelling through. Let's get to Obama. He went to Vietnam. It was a

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mammoth operation to get him there. It was about 800 enterage that took

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him there. It cost so much. They estimate that there were at least 50

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planes required to fly him there. Wow, yeah. It's insane. It's a bring

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Obama to a country it costs so much. When he went to Belgium a while ago,

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it ended up costing the country, for a 24-hour visit, it cost Belgium 10

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million euro of their own money. You'd be like, let's just Skype. He

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came to the UK last month. When he was here, you weren't allowed to fly

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a kite over London. What? The regulations, it was mostly aimed at

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drones, but they included kites in the regulations. I don't know, you

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put a bomb on a kite or something. Or he just hates kite flying. Do you

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know what he wasn't allowed to do when he visited London? No. He

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wasn't allowed to land his helicopters on Windsor Palace

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gardens by order of Her Majesty, the Queen, because she said this year,

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when he arrived that last time he came and landed his helicopters on

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her gardens, he ruined her lawns. He said, I'm landing six helicopters in

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Windsor Palace, because that's how many I need to come to lunch. She

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said, no, you can only have three. Well done Lizzie standing up to him.

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APPLAUSE We need to move on shortly. A

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patriotic round of applause. I like the comparison this week in news

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between Obama's vehicles, as we've discussed, and then Cameron's

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vehicle news that he had. He's bought a second hand car for his

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wife. Which a lot of you probably saw. It cost ?1500. Yeah, it was a

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Nissan Micra and his security detail, what their job is, is to

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stand behind the car while he's in the driver's seat and make sure the

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back brake lights are working. LAUGHTER

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A whole different world, isn't it? OK. Let's move on. It is time for

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fact number two and that is James Harkin. My fact this week is that in

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Google's Paris offices, Friday meetings are accompanied with cheese

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and wine. That's nice, isn't it? In the London office, they have

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meetings in a padded cell. So this is the story this week where French

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police went into Google's offices because they were literally doing a

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Google search... LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE They were looking for evidence that

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Google was dog a lot of work in France and should be paying their

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taxes in France rather than paying them in Ireland, where they kind of

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sometimes do, at the moment. I thought, there was no pictures

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because they didn't really show pictures of what the police were

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doing, but I thought I wonder what they saw when they went in. I had a

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look at what the officers are like and that's what they have. They have

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a phone booth made out of an old Citroen car in the middle of one of

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their offices. That's one of David Cameron's wife's old ones. Google

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has a post box in Bermuda where ?8 billion in profits goes each year.

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The number of that box is 666. No joking, really. What happened to

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don't be evil? I know. What the hell. In America they had an

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incident in which workers have blamed Google Maps after they

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accidentally demolished the wrong house. They were brought in to

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demolish a house, they put it into Google Maps and they showed up at

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the wrong spot and they just demolished the house. And the lady

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who owned the house was furious. I think she couldn't comprehend how

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something like that could happen. Was she in there at the time, was

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she left standing with just the rubble around her? Googling... What

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do you do when someone is knocking your house down? I was looking into

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offices around the world in any news that's happened about offices this

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week. There's an amazing bit of news, which is that Dubai have

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opened a new office, which has been completely 3D printed. Isn't that

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amazing. Let me show you a photo. This is it.

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That guy is 3D printed as well. So yeah, it was unveiled in Dubai.

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They think now the idea is that we will start 3D printing buildings.

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That's revolutionary. Is it the office printer inside the office

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that the printer built? That is true about 3D printers. There was one

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that they taught to make other 3D printers and nobody knows how many

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of them there are in the world. Wow it keeps just making a new printer?

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It can do. It has the ability to. Once it's made a few, it can carry

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on. There's a map of America, according to the queries that each

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state submits on Google the most, right? It's not the thing searched

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for most, just the most asked question out of all the states. For

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example, people in Delaware searched how to get away with murder more

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than any other state. Wyoming Googled, "What is Wyoming? In Texas,

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it was, "Where is the internet? Georgia had, "Why are my nipples so

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sore? Best of all, Mississippi, "Can I get a what what?

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APPLAUSE So Google have been trying to make

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it when you ask in casual conversation it can respond in a

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casual way. They've been feeding the AI computers at Google romance

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novels, over 2,000 romance novels so that it can then, when you Google

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something, respond to you in quite a human way, because apparently

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romance novels are very accurate about how we generally are in

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conversation. Really? Dan, Dan, tear my bra off.

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LAUGHTER After that they got it to write

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poetry. They gave it the first line of a poem and then you had to, it

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worked out what the rest of the poem would be. So I'll read some of

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those. Amazing isn't it, so, what is it? It hurts, isn't it? Why would

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you do that? You can do it. I can do it. I can't do it. I can do it.

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Don't do it. I can do it. I couldn't do it.

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APPLAUSE Why are my nipples so sore? We

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should more on guys. You got anything more? I was looking into

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other tax news. There was this article on the go simple tax

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website. It was about a tax return that a man sent in and the answers

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he gave to some of the questions. Regardless of your opinions, I think

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you've got to appreciate his sense of humour. In response to the

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question - do you have anyone dependent on you? The man answered:

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2. 1 million illegal immigrants, 2. 2 million unemployment Jeremy Kyle

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scroungers, 900,000 criminals, and 650 idiots in Parliament and the

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whole of the European Commission. APPLAUSE

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HMRC said it was unacceptable. And he replied saying, who did I miss

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out? An angry man. OK. So we're halfway through our show. It's time

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to look at the stories that you've sent in via e-mail and social media.

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James, let's start with you. I got this from Jess Wilkie. Scientists at

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air kus University have worked out why fruit flies have such humungous

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sperm. A male sperm is 20 times longer than a fruit fly and it turns

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out it's the shape and length of the re-September cull inside the fruit

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fly and longer sperms are better at kicking out the smaller sperms out

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of the female's body. If you stretch the sperm out, then it would be

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longer than the fruit fly. The re-September cull is Spiralled. 20

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times longer? Yeah, yeah. No thank you.

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Not going to go on fruit fly dating websites now. Andy? This was sent in

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and it's that the Norwegian consumer council has revealed that the

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average Norwegian's phone apps have terms and conditions which all

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together are longer than the New Testament. They had a read-a-thon of

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the average Norwegian's terms and conditions on their phone apps and

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it took over 30 hours to read out. I got this one from the Manchester

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evening News. It is that undercover police raided a warehouse in

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Cheetham Hill looking for ?40,000 of fraudulently obtained soda and found

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?17,000 of fraudulently obtained sofas instead. Time for our third

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fact, my fact. Thomas Becket's elbow is currently on tour. This is the

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800-year-old monk, Thomas Becket, who is returning to the UK in order

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to do a tour. He is going to be showcased around many different

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churches, and he will be blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. I will

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give you a quick visual. This is the elbow. It is a fragment of elbow,

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really small. I feel like the surrounding is because they know it

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is not very impressive. Give it some golden rays. He is going to get to

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one of the churches at Westminster. We have bits of Thomas Becket here

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as well. They are going to put it together,

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like a jigsaw. Great. In theory, it is a reunion tour. Be great if you

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thought you were getting tickets for elbow and it turned out to be that.

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It is so weird, with the Becket elbow. They keep saying in all of

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the news articles, it just includes, probably Thomas Becket's elbow. We

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don't know if it literally is his elbow but we're happy to accept that

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it be. They were very clever when he died. There were businessmen who

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thought ahead, to make sure they maximised the relic potential. There

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is an eyewitness account from a guy caught Edward grim at the time who

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said, brace yourself, the crown of his head was separated from his head

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in such a way that the blood died the floor of the cathedral. And

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people spend subsequent days to -- flocking to the church to try and

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mop up his blood on cloth, knowing it would be valuable. They would

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take some of the blood and put it in that of water. Then they would take

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some of that water and it would cure you from your ills. The original

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homoeopathic medicine. Union -- you can go online and in the way you can

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look at a list of bands coming to the UK, there are relics of dead

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saints touring all over. You can go and see the relics of the passion on

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tour at the moment. They have some good gigs coming up. Do they have

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support acts? Thomas Moore, from the time of Henry VIII, and Bishop John

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Fisher, they are going on tour together. They are touring around

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the US. I have started looking into what is going on in archaeology and

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history. This week, archaeologists discovered that Stonehenge was not

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so hard to build after all. That is a new conclusion. This happened a

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couple of days ago. This week, they did a test by having rope and people

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and pulling them along. They did it and found it was incredibly easy.

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They were like, this is actually the easiest thing to put up. All these

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years of thinking it is an impossible task, and it is not. If

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you look at a list of people who have S Club eight -- excavated

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Stonehenge, in 1979 it was excavated by Mr Pitts, and in 1915, Mr Stone.

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UNESCO have recently said this week that Stonehenge might be in trouble

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jute or climate change. They had a load of sites around the world which

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might be a problem with climate change, and one is Stonehenge

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because of warmer winters and wetter summers meaning more burrowing

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animals which might arrow underneath and they might fall over. Of all the

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things to panic about regarding climate change, that is quite low

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down on the list. Because it is so easy to build another one. We need

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to move on. Other religious news this week. World youth Day is a

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Catholic gathering every three years. The next one is in July in

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Poland, and people attending from Westminster have been given a phrase

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book, a Polish phrase book, containing the phrases, I love you.

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Then, if it is going well, will you marry me? And it also has,

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unfortunately I have a calling to the religious life. Time but our

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final fact of the show, Andrew Hunter Murray. The world's largest

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solar plant has just been set on fire by itself. Not a great week for

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the sum. It is in the American desert and it is unbelievably cool.

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It looks so good. I will show you a picture. This is what it looks like.

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It is amazing. There are two ways of doing solar. Fault Oval take cells,

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which you see on people's roofs, and this method, concentrated solar

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power. This is 173,000 mirrors, each of which has a motor. They all focus

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the rays of the sun on this massive tower, and at the top is a boiler

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full of water which heats to something like 1000 degrees. That

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drives turbines and makes electricity. Unfortunately, this

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week some of the mirrors went wrong and set the tower on fire. I had

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never heard of this before. The thing with these mirrors is that

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they can be dangerous, right? Is it true that they are setting birds on

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fire? It is true. About 28,000 birds each year, they think. And they call

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them stream is because they look like little shooting stars. There is

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another facility planned under the flight path of the golden Eagle, so

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they are concerned that they will set the birds on fire. It makes me

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suspect that solar power is masterminded by cats. That is 28,000

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birds which is a large number. But there was a study in 2014 which said

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that every year, the number of birds which died from hitting windows in

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America is 988 million. What? Even the minimum estimate was 1 million

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every day of the week. I have read that, and I called Bull shipped.

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They did it on the flip side, so obviously they were not counting on

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that happening so much with the birds. They did stop the size of it

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and they brought it in a bit because they were encroaching on the habitat

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of the desert taught us, so they actually made it smaller than it was

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originally meant to be. One thing I know about that desert tortoise is

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that if you pick it up it can we itself to death. They get frightened

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and expel water. In the desert, you need as much water as you can get,

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so if you are in Nevada, do not pick them up. On the environment, my

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favourite story this week is that Leonardo DiCaprio has got into

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trouble because he hired a private jet to fly from Can to New York and

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came back the next day, flying 8000 miles in total, to pick up an

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environmental award. Cans macro. He should have done it in this solar

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powered plane, unbelievably cool, which is ultralight with massive

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wings. The pilots are Captain Picard, whose grandfather was

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believed to be the inspiration for Captain Picard in Star Trek, so

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amazing. They are the most extraordinary family because the

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grandfather was the first to go to the highest point of the

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stratosphere. And then another family member went to the bottom of

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the ocean, and Bertrand Picard was the first to go around the world

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completely. So they have gone up, down and around before anyone else

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in the world. What a bunch of fucking show-offs. I reckon there is

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another one every Christmas who goes home and they say, what have you

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done, Jeff? I have a very nice job and a nice family. Well, we went to

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the top of the world. One thing about solar impulse, they have to be

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ultralight because they did not even take a razor because the extra

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weight would have been too much. It was so light it just has a cockpit

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which you can sit in, and it has a toilet built into the pilot's seat.

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There is no room for an extra toilet. If you are flying and you

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want to go to the loo, you are already there. Do you have a photo

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of this aeroplane? I have one. That is what it looks like. All right,

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Jeff Picard. They have a wingspan about the same as a 747, but it is

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170 times lighter. They need the massive wings because they are solar

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panels. I was reading about news where the sun has been disruptive.

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The sun is beating down so hard that the streets are literally melting. I

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have a photo. It looks like a dead zebra. It is the opposite of a dead

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zebra. It is just melting and people are literally getting stuck and

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having to get out of their shoes and being rescued. The idea of a fire

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being created by reflective surfaces sounds like it would be a one in a

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million chance but apparently it is really common. Last month there was

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a set of curtains set on fire in Wiltshire, and the firemen who went

0:25:580:26:00

to put out the fire said, it is caused by the reflection from a

0:26:010:26:05

reflective item, a mirror, we sometimes call it. It is a common

0:26:060:26:12

thing. I remember reading a few years ago that a fortune teller had

0:26:130:26:15

her house set on fire because her crystal balls at the house on fire.

0:26:160:26:27

She never saw it coming. That is all of our facts. Just time to share

0:26:280:26:31

four stories we did not cover. James. From Africa, Nigeria has

0:26:320:26:38

declared a tomato state of emergency because of the parasite called tuta

0:26:390:26:55

absoluta. Cornwall Council has ordered a taxi firm to repaint its

0:26:560:26:58

signs because of the events arrangement of letters. It is called

0:26:590:27:10

the port Isaac shuttle service. This was from BBC News. An Essex woman

0:27:110:27:14

has been given a 12 month suspended sentence for taking boxes of

0:27:150:27:17

chocolate from supermarkets, removing the chocolate from the

0:27:180:27:20

wrappers and replacing them with rubber balls, marbles and conquerors

0:27:210:27:23

and putting them back on the shelves. The court heard that her

0:27:240:27:31

motives were unclear. And here is my final fact from the Guardian. The

0:27:320:27:39

singer of my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard has never made

0:27:400:27:45

a milkshake. In a separate interview in the Independent, MC Hammer has

0:27:460:27:48

revealed that he does not actually like hammers. He finds them a scary

0:27:490:27:52

proposition. APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:59

And now, over to Jane Hill in the studio. A man in Greenwich, London,

0:28:000:28:08

has denied he is called Bernard. The man, who wears glasses, has a

0:28:090:28:11

strange accent and does not appear to own a razor goes by another name,

0:28:120:28:16

but we don't yet know what that is. That is all from Anna, Andy, James

0:28:170:28:23

and me, Dan Schreiber. See you next week. Goodbye.

0:28:240:28:44

Once upon a time, there was a great and glorious king.

0:28:450:28:53

But they would all see him destroyed.

0:28:540:28:57

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