Episode 4 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 4

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Hello and welcome to the fourth addition of No Such Thing As The

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News, coming from Greenwich in London. My name is Dan Schreiber. I

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am sitting here with the panel. Once again, we are here to bring you the

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most interesting things we've found in the news in the last seven days,

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like the fact revealed by the BBC that, as well as being the head of

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the Church of England and the Armed Forces, the Queen also wanted to be

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the head of the George Formby appreciation Society. She apparently

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knows all of his songs and she can sing them pitch perfect. That is

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your Queen. Let's begin. Here we go. Starting with you, James Harkin. The

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Euro 2016 trophy was named after a man who retired from refereeing

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after accidentally swallowing his own whistle. He was a French man who

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worked at the French football Federation. He had earlier played

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for a team in Paris and became a referee. One day he was hit in the

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face with a ball and he swallowed his whistle. He also lost to macro

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teeth. Then he became an administrator and thought of the

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idea of the Euro Championships and they named it after him. Did he

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always speak with a slight whistle afterwards? I was looking at the

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referees and they all have day jobs outside of being referees. If you

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line them up and say, here they are... Which one of these men was it

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who sent you off? They all have day jobs and they include, two lawyers,

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an insurance broker, and RE teacher, an ambulance driver, an estate agent

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and an alleged multimillionaire who is doing it for fun. One of the

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referees was voted the worst referee at the 2014 World Cup. One more

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chance. That is nice. He was too harsh on the rules. When you look at

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the harshest moments for referees, they are extremely harsh. I found

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the earliest red card given to anyone, two seconds into the match.

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What did he do? Did he look at the referee Fannie? It was Taunton East

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Reach Wanderers. The referee blew the whistle and the striker

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went, fuck me, that was loud! He was red carded after two seconds.

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Talking of loud whistles. Did you see that a school has banned

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whistles in its playgrounds because it thinks children might be too

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frightened by the sound of the noise and teachers have to raise their

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hand into the air at the end of play time to get the attention of pupils.

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I want to give you a quote from a teacher, Pamela Cunningham. She said

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you was going to keep the whistle in her pocket. He said, in case of

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emergency, she would keep a handcart whistle on her at all times. What

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kind of teacher has a hand carved whistle? It is exciting at the

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moment. The International football Association board has just made 95

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changes to the rules. Most of them are quite Dahl. Some of them are

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fun. They have had to register various things. If a manager dies in

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front of a ball, it was a goal. Players wearing tights have to make

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sure they are matching with their shorts and the tights of their

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team-mates. So, here is an example of a footballer wearing bad tights.

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These tights are bad. You are a footballer, do not wear these

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tights! Think he has a ladder in them as well. I was looking at the

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teams in Euro 2016. Iceland love football so much. They reckon if

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they made to the final, of the entire population will be over for

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the matches. 10% of the population of Iceland will be in France

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watching the final. If you are a burglar, go over to Iceland. The

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mascot will be this guy. That is what I used to look like when I had

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a Venus for a nose. The problem is, if you search for super victor toy,

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this is what to get. It is the name of a sex toy. It is quite extreme.

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It says on one of the sites, but where, not for beginners. This this

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is really interesting. British fans have been told by the French

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government, if they are Courtois they are over there seeing any

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prostitutes, they will be sent to sex school. I do nothing that is to

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make them better at it. What they mean is, they will give them lessons

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on how immoral it is and they will get a fine and they will have to go

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to sex school and be taught. We will have to move on very shortly. One

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last piece of whistle news from the East Anglia and daily Times. A

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search is under way for a brass whistle stolen from a steam engine

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housed in a separate museum. Police are appealing for information from a

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museum in Stowmarket. The whistle was taken sometime between 8th of

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May and 20th of May. Where were you? You just have a line-up of referees.

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OK. Time to move on to fact number two. Andrew Hunter Murray. In the

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recent Romanian elections, you are no longer allowed to give people

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free buckets to vote for you. This is from a website called Romania

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insider. It is grateful that they have just changed the rules for

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Romania in local elections. There were a lot of free gifts given out.

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Candidates can no longer give out branded pens, hats, mugs, T-shirts,

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hats, lighters, matches, food, alcohol, cigarettes or buckets. One

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guy has just been sentenced to prison for bribing voters with

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grilled chicken. If you think that is a minor offence, he gave out 60

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tonnes of it. Just on the one guy! The reason those elections have been

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in the news, there is a town where three candidates all had the same

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name. You could vote for the same name. The first guy won 1200 votes.

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Is it a really popular name? It is. It means big onions. It has not just

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been Romanian elections this week. Hillary Clinton, it seems, will be

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the Democratic candidate. I read a really good article in USA Today.

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What might we call Bill Clinton is Hillary becomes president? You

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cannot call them first lady. I thought they should call him First

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Lad. They said may first gentleman or former President Clinton. It

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could be President Clinton's husband, President Clinton. It would

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be easy. One in admin. Recently, the candidates have been given their CIA

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codename. Hillary Clinton were inherit the one she had when she was

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in the Bill Clinton Administration. She will be called Evergreen. Donald

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Trump's codename is Mogul. Prior to that, there was a public debate

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about people being asked what they wanted their codename to be. Donald

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Trump said, Hamble. He is a master of irony. Another chose, justice

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never sleeps. He is asleep. It turns out American politicians

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have more fun websites and British politicians. With Hillary Clinton,

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she is selling so many interesting products. On her tote bag, it said,

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girls just want to have fun! I really like that. There is a- and

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everything. She also has, I have not seen them so much in the UK but you

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can buy chilling things going around your pan of drink. It says on the

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front, it says Hillary Clinton .com. On the back it says more like

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Chillary Clinton. Underneath, am I right? There is a candidate called

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John McCarthy. He is standing for the Libertarian party. He has been

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an antivirus software pioneer and an international fugitive. It reads

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technology behind their presidential candidate. He used to read eccentric

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millionaire and still alive. The Libertarian party are

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interesting because they have an important role in this election

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because we have the two least popular candidates for about 100

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years running for President, so a lot of votes might go to the

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Libertarians, the third biggest party. But they are riddled with

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slightly eccentric people. They have their party conference last week and

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there is a man called James Weekes who was running to be the

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chairperson. He stepped on stage to give his speech and instead of

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giving his speech, music started playing and he started to take his

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clothes off. By the time was down to a leather thong, were booing loudly.

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He leaned into the microphone and said, sorry, I did it for a dare, I

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am out of the race. I have another Libertarian candidate. This man

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called vermin supreme. Is he related to super victor? Yes, the sex toy.

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He wears a Wellington boot on his head at all times, advocates regular

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tooth-brushing and a free pony for every American if he becomes

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President. They have events in America for fringe candidates but he

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is the only one who hasn't been invited back, because during the

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2011 event he started to glitter bomb the other candidates. I have a

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nice picture of him glitter bombing this man. I love it when people

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still attempt to look dignified whilst being glitter bombed by a man

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with a boot on his head! We are halfway through the show and it is

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time for the stories you have sent in on e-mail and social media. I got

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this one which is from the Guardian. A great sunken city of the coast of

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Greece has been tested and found to actually be made of microbe waste.

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They saw all of these structures under their water and they thought,

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it is obviously a building. They tested it and it turns out that you

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have microbes and when they risk by they make a rock. They were in

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circles which people thought were columns, but they were on events, so

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all of the microbes sat around a circle and built them up in a little

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column. Really cool. Imagine if the Colosseum and the Parthenon are just

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piles of microbe waste. OK. This was treated in. This is from ITV News.

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After ace beading vehicle was stopped by police in Swindon and the

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four occupants ran forward, police constables pattern gave chase

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shouting that he was a dog handler and then he started barking. To his

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astonishment, one suspect gave himself up when he heard the barking

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and was promptly arrested. Wow! He now has a career as an impersonator.

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Haven't they done something where they have started to text criminals

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and say, and yourself in? Sussex Police. They just text criminals who

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go, sorry, I have been busted, see you later. This one is that there

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has been a Bactrian camel born in Chicago Lincoln Park zoo, the first

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since 1948, named Alexander camel town. Time for fact number three, my

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fact. Mine is that as well as being a great boxer, Muhammad Ali was also

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a great magician. However, he was also a terrible magician because, as

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it was against his religion to deceive, he immediately told

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everyone how he did the tricks. Straightaway. He could do over 30

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card tricks, he could levitate. He was like, I will explain how that

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happened. Tragic news, Muhammad Ali has passed away and his funeral was

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today. Nice things are coming out about his respect for every detail

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for his religion. He has a star on the Hollywood walk of Fame, and his

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is the only one that is not on the floor but on the wall. That was as a

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result of his request that he did not want anyone to be walking over

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the name of the Prophet Muhammad. He had multiple interests. This is one

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of the things that is so great about Muhammad Ali. He was active in a lot

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of directions. He was a poet, wrote some excellent poems. I particularly

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like the one he wrote about his rumble in the jungle. For this

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fight, I wrestled with alligators, tussled with a wail, handcuffed

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lightning and through Sunday in jail. I can drown a drink of water

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and kill a dead tree, wait until you see Muhammad Ali. He was a great

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literary figure. There was a feeling that the great theory that he was

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not very literate and even the books he collaborated on, he had not read,

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which might be why he used so many rhymes in his sledging. One couplet

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that has been in my head - Ali fights great, he has speed and

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insurer -- speed and engine runs. If you decide to fight him, increase

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your insurance. There was an article in the Coventry Telegraph. He was a

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Coventry man, wasn't he? Well, he did once go to Coventry, and that is

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what they talked about. He only ever went to one football match. Despite

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knowing he was a famous Muslim they served him am sandwiches at

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half-time. Being the polite man that he was, he took the ham out and he

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ate the bread. He went on a feud tours of Britain and one of the ones

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he was in the north-east and he played darts against the former

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world number one darts player with the best nickname. He is called

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David Allan Evans. Once, he was in Manchester and he was selling

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Ovaltine. Muhammad Ali? Yes. He went to Tesco in Stretford. What is this

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story? He went to Tesco in Stretford and he was selling Ovaltine and

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thousands of people turned up and the police had to be called to keep

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them away. The police could not quite understand it was because it

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was Muhammad Ali. They thought the reason there were so many people

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going mad was because some of them thought he was giving away free tins

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of Ovaltine. It is annoying because you have a way of calming down the

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crowd. He was very afraid of flying so it is interesting how many world

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tour is heeded. When he did the Olympics in Rome, he was so flaky --

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afraid of flying that he would wear a parachute for the entire journey.

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There is a story about him in a plane about to take off and the

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stewardess said, can you put on your seat belt. He said, Superman does

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money do seat belt. She said, Superman doesn't need a plane.

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It is hard to tell it is Superman because he puts on those glasses and

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it does not look anything like him. One of the things that he can do is

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that he can compress his spine and so he is a little shorter than

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Superman, Clark Kent. Nice detail. That is why no one can tell, even

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though he looks the same. If you lost an inch, I would have no idea.

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He fought a famous fight in Tokyo against a mixed martial artist and

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it was kind of hilarious, because the rules were altered specifically,

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because this man did martial arts and Muhammad Ali was a boxer. It

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ended up being that the man realised the only way to beat Ali was to lie

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on the floor and kick him really hard. He did this for round after

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round. He lay on the floor, the Guardian said, like a hound trying

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to scratch its pass on the carpet. Backing away and lashing out. The

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report said he might have to have his legs amputated because they had

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been so badly kicked. The Rumble in the jungle against George Foreman in

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1974, amazing sledging before the fight, but also mid-fight, whenever

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he got the chance he would whisper to George Foreman, is that all

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you've got, George? George Foreman said he thought it would be an easy

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fight and by around six he was thinking, yes, that is about all I

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have got. I thought you were going to say that he said, I also have

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this handy toastie maker. OK, time for our final fact and that is from

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Anna. My fact is that fish can be trained to spit in people's faces.

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This story came out this week and is about archerfish. What they did was

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to work out if archerfish camera cognize human faces. The way they

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did used to whether they code was that they showed the archerfish on a

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monitor screen two pictures of people. If the archerfish spat at

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one of the people, they would be fed, so they learned that was the

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one to spit at. And then they put that person, a picture of that

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person, among 44 other faces the archerfish had never seen. In more

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than 80% of cases, they spat on the correct person, so they could

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identify the face. They even changed the shape and colour of the fish

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sometimes, which goes beyond my facial wreck -- facial recognition

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abilities. The archerfish could still work out which person to spit

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at. Not to be confused with the Geoffrey archerfish, when it says, I

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am the best at spitting in the world. Topical! I have never had the

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chance to make Jeffrey archer joke in life. We can insert it into have

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I got News for you from 1996. Archerfish are amazing. When they

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are under the water, they fired jets of water and they cannot insects off

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leaves and they fall into water so they can eat them. That is amazing

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in itself, but if you think about it, their eyes are underwater, so

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the density of water is different to air. It will be a fracture. Also,

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you have gravity which pulls down the water. They have two games

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somewhere that is nowhere near the insect and they still get it almost

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every time. Archerfish use water as a tool, because the definition of a

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tool is that you mould it to your purpose. They do that with water,

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because they spit out the last bit of water faster than the first, so

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the last bit catches up with the first hit, so by the time it hits

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the insect, it all hits at once and has the power to knock it off. There

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is a new app in Russia which is very popular and it is called find face.

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You take a picture of someone on the street and it tracks them through

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the social networks they belong to. Creepy! One of the founders

:24:45.:24:56.

explained that it was not creepy. And he did it while he was doing

:24:57.:25:02.

this! He said, it also looks for similar people. So you could upload

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a photo of a movie star or your ex and fined ten girls who look similar

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to her and send their messages. Breen macro you are right, that is

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not creepy at all. This week, there was a fish hack,

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where people invent mobile things to do with fishing. The winner was

:25:27.:25:31.

great Lake saviour, which is a real-time app which takes that

:25:32.:25:34.

project and flow data of the great Lakes to work out when Asian carp

:25:35.:25:40.

will spawn. They are an invasive species and you need to know when

:25:41.:25:45.

they spawn. Another which did the same thing was called carpe diem,

:25:46.:25:53.

which would have been good, right. Another one which did not win tried

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to get the phone to analyse molecules in a fish and tell you

:25:58.:26:05.

what species it is. If you do not trust the signage. One third of fish

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in America are mis-sold. There was a companion app for fishermen, which

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sounds good. So sweet. Is it if there is another fisherman on

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another boat? Yes, you nowhere years. Is it like grinder for

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fishermen? You are still 30 miles apart, I am afraid! OK, that is all

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of our facts. Just time to share the facts we did not have time to get

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to. This is from the Guardian. At London's first naked rest room,

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which opened this week, staff have been asked to cover their genitals

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for logistical reasons. -- restaurant. Minors from the

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Australian broadcasting Corporation. A green tree frog in Australia has

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been airlifted to frog hospital after being injured in a lawn mower

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accident. The frog, which had to be x-rayed going through airport

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security, is expected home next week. Mine was sent into us. The

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fact is that at an anti-immigration demo in Germany, one demonstrator

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turned up, plus 50 counterdemonstrators and 107 -- 170

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policemen. You need three people for it to be considered a demonstration

:27:46.:27:50.

in Germany, so the counter demonstrators went away and so did

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the police. Finally, Andy. This is from the Salt Lake Tribune. A

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suspicious package left outside a launderette in a suburb of Salt Lake

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City has turned out to be empty. Just time to go to Jane Hill in the

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studio. I am not in the studio. I am in the pub. Hello, Bernard. That is

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it from us and them in the pub. We will be back again next week.

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Goodbye. with a new round

:28:26.:29:07.

of celebrity rookies...

:29:08.:29:10.

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