Episode 5 No Such Thing as the News

Hello, and welcomed to the fifth edition of No Such Thing as the

News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London. My name

is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting with Anna Ptaszynski, Andrew Hunter

Murray and James Harkin. APPLAUSE

Once again we are here to bring you the most interesting things we found

in the news in the last seven days. Now, this week there has been tragic

news all over the world, lots confusing and lots of it senseless

and we are no better equipped to make sense of it than anyone else

but what we can try to do is remind you there is amazing stuff in the

world and in the next half an hour we want to show you some of the

thousands of strange colour weird and wonderful things that make this

world and awesome place to live in. We are going to start the show with

my fact, and my fact is that Mongolia is changing all of its

addresses. LAUGHTER

This was just announced, Mongolia is changing every single address in the

country. The reason for this is because they have no reliable

addresses really, it's really hard to deliver the mail on Mongolia.

It's not just that they don't have many road names, lots of them are

named after Genghis Khan, for instance. Really? Yeah, lots of them

are. There are lots of nomads living there and they move around all the

time. Is amazing, 75% of the world's population doesn't have a reliable

address. There is this incredible new invention called what three

words and the world has been mapped into these three by three square

metre spaces and each three by three square metre space has been given

three words to tell you where that is, three unique words and we all

have it. In Greenwich in up the creek in the club we are in if you

put in arena. Wages. Pitts that's where we are right now. Mongolia has

a terrible system and they said why don't we use this and Mongolia will

just have three word phrases. Mongolia is interesting, it's the

least densely populated country in the world, two people per square,

to. Wow! There are 3 million people living in the country. I was on the

Mongol post website incidentally. LAUGHTER

This is news on the Mongol post website, a postage stamp was created

for the 3,000,000th citizen and there was a huge deal, born on the

24th of January last year at the family of the 3,000,000th citizen.

Enough of the local currency to buy a two-bedroom apartment. The

President called the parents of the child to congratulate them and named

the baby himself and he named the baby name which sounds like naming a

baby English man, but that's what he said. He had a postage stamp

designed and it will make you wish you were the 3,000,000th person born

in Mongolia. Check that out, it is a baby or Somali riding a working

horse -- awesomely. Just by accidentally being born!

LAUGHTER That is how they used to do one of

their post in Mongolia. They sent a baby on a horse? On the 10th and

11th century they used to have the Mongol horse relay career system.

What it would be is you would have people on a horse and they would

deliver the mail. The thing I like is one of the rules of being the

people who could take the mail, being the post man, you could

commandeer anything. If you saw another horse that you thought could

go faster you could have that horse, if you Pitts stopped at a house

along the way you could take what you want, I'm delivering the mail,

now that's my sandwich. That is really cool. He had 50,000 forces at

the post office's disposal, 6000 boats on the water and also 1150

sheep. It's interesting you mention the boats because modern-day

Mongolia actually have their own navy, despite being a landlocked

place. So they've got one ship, and from a video I've watched from 2011

it is crewed by seven sailors, of which only one can swim. This is how

far away from the ocean they are, the quote from the captain: "I'd

like to see the real sea one-day". That is a weird kick start right

now, send that man to the ocean! That is adorable. Mongolia recently

proved that time travel exists. That is exciting. Yes!

LAUGHTER So, archaeologists recently found an

ancient mummy in Mongolia. It died over 1 million ago and it was 10,000

feet high in the mountains. That is where they found it. The weird thing

about the mummy was it was wearing a pair of Adidas trainers. They were

unmistakable. If you Google it and ancient mummy was found wearing a

pair of Adidas trainers and it's pretty great. Archaeologists deny

they were real Adidas trainers. If time travel is real their whole

business model is completely obsolete! I red an amazing article

about why Mongolia's moment is now and it was explaining that Mongolia

is one of these places that is straddling the modern and the past

where the two live with each other. Lots of people have mobile phones,

cellphones, but what they don't have is mobile reception so that's really

annoying. You could still play snake, presumably?

LAUGHTER That is true and it is still on a

Nokia! What they do do, though, is they are clever at working out how

to make things work so they find out locations that have reception, if

you go to a certain height, he said, they genuinely do this, the way they

send text messages is get to the position and if they are not high

enough they hold the send button and throw the phone up into the air

really high and then catch it and in the time it has gone up it has got

the reception and sent the message and come back down! It doesn't sound

true, does it? That is why he red it out! Where were you during ID gas

mummy trainer! LAUGHTER

-- Adidas mummy trainers? One thing that Mongolia, the country

has one native Catholic priest, they've got their first Catholic

priest from Mongolia recently and it has only one gay bar in the whole

country. The guy that runs it sounds awesome. He calls himself a Shamen

and he claims he can predict the size of men's genitalia just by

looking at them at the men, not the genitalia. Not the shamer who lives

next door who says to small! We have to move on, anybody got any thing

before we do? The postman was fired for folding a vinyl record in half

so it would fit into a letterbox. LAUGHTER

OK! It is time for fact number two and that is Anna Bacsinszky.

My fact this week is that the website addresses

donaldtrumpsucks.com, Iambeingsuedbythedonald.com, and

Ihatetrumpvodka.com are all owned by Donald Trump.

LAUGHTER This is this thing that came out

last year, the fact that Donald Trump and his company bought a whole

bunch of websites people might plausibly use if they didn't like

him. This year his general counsel revealed a list of 3000 website

addresses they have taken. I think it might run in the tens of

thousands, the total number. This week his favourability rating has

gone, it was already pretty low but it has gone. 29% of Americans are

favourable towards Trump, by far the lowest it has ever been for anyone

in political history. Really? 29% is the same number of Americans who

have a rodent problem. Also the same number who cannot find the Pacific

ocean on a world map. LAUGHTER

You are not suggesting any link at all?

LAUGHTER It is 1% fewer than the number of

Americans who pronounce the word meme as me me. A lady called Janet

Lasalle owns loads of websites in the hope she can sell it on in the

future. She owns the first female President of the United States of

America.com. $375,000 it will cost you to buy that. I'm all right! What

about this one? President Hillary Clinton will be 3.7 million if you

want to buy that. Again... OK, what about date Santa Claus.com? Now I'm

interested! That is one of hers but on the website it says "Make me an

offer". That I can afford! Here is another one, below -- bludgeon

pay.com. Buy lovely flowers.com. $37,000. To say thank you for that

sexual favour! LAUGHTER

This week in an interview, Trump said "I'm never going to let you

down". The Internet went crazy thinking that maybe his entire

campaign is just a massive rickroll. But, what I did find out is that

Rick Astley might be number one this week. Did you see that has Mac

explained that. Rickroll is on the Internet because you tell somebody

to look at the Internet for a rickroll and they get the Rick

Astley song Never Going To Give You Up. And This Is A Me Me.

Laughter You Think You Are Going To Something

And You Go To It And It Plays Never Going To Give You Up. Even the white

House rickrolled somebody when they accused them of being boring. In the

midweek charts Rick Astley was number two, but he was number two by

just 14 copies. No! Who is ahead? It is Tom Odell. This is the closest

race to number one in the album charts for ages and ages. There is a

reasonably good chance that when we go to air he will be number one. We

need to move on soon. In the Richmond Times dispatch there was an

obituary of Maryanne Noland, and the obituary said Cullen faced with the

prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton Maryanne

Noland of Richmond chose instead to pass to the internal love eternal

love of God. Samuel L Jackson said he wants to do

a duet with Donald Trump. He says he wants to sing Strange Fruit. I

looked into the relationship between Samuel L Jackson and Donald Trump.

Jackson accused Donald Trump of cheating in golf in an interview

this year. The interviewer said, "I hear you guys are golf buddies?

Samuel said, "we're not buddies. We played golf a lot of times, I'm

better than him, I never cheat." Donald Trump said we don't play golf

together. He said I don't know what you're talking about. We played golf

last week. So we are halfway through. It's time to look at the

stories you sent into us via emails and social media. We will start with

you, Anna. A story e-mailed in by Felix. A woman in Germany saw a man

bury something in the woodland. She saw that he created a grave with a

wooden cross. So she called the police. A little coffin was exhumed

by the police. On opening it they found a bit of mouldy old gerkin.

APPLAUSE. Andy, what do you have? Sent in by

Tristan. That a 230 foot replica of Noah's Arc collided with a

coastguard vessel in Norway on Friday. No animals were harmed

because there were no animals on board. James, what have you got?

Mine was emailed by Tim from the east Grinstead Courier. A

disqualified driver from East Sussex with no teeth was given a 16 week

suspended sentence by trying to resist arrest by sucking a police

officer. OK. It's time for fact number three. That is James. My fact

this week is that dishes you can eat at the world's best restaurant

include - memory of a mortadella sandwich. The crunchy part of the

lasagne and. Oops, I dropped the lemon tarte. Unsuccessful follow-up

to Oops, I Did It Again. A prequel song.

APPLAUSE This is a list of the world's 50

best restaurants that came out this week by restaurant Magazine. It was

topped by a restaurant that, according to this magazine, is the

best in the world. Oops, I dropped the lemon tarte. One of the

restaurant's chefs dropped a lemon tarte. He is inspired by art. He

said that he defines his food as "traditional Italian food, but seen

from 10 miles away. " That's just a by-word for, "I have tiny, tiny

portions." APPLAUSE He's created dishes based

around Damien Hirst's work. Picasso. He has a dish where he says he

couldn't have done it without Gertrude The restaurant was Stein.

Going for 15 years, it had attractions, but didn't have proper

credibility given to it from the industry. Happens a Mitchelin star

inspector had his car break down right near the restaurant. While

waiting for his car be repaired, I had better get something to eat,

from this restaurant. That is how the restaurant was discovered.

Quick, scrape that lemon tarte off the floor. The way he is presenting

this Italian food is causing controversy. He is getting oversea

awards. Back home they thought they were ruining great Italian food.

Turning it into an artistic thing. While he was receiving massive

awards from the UK for Best Italian Restaurants he had inspectors coming

over of poisoning people with his food and his ideas. I don't know if

that's within the remit of the health inspector to say, I don't

know if he has a philosopher friend with him. A mouse in the kitchen and

a Gertrud Stein quote on the wall. Shut him down. There's a particular

artwork that was in this about two years ago, one interviewer went

there. It is this. So that is sitting in the middle of this

restaurant, the best restaurant in the world. A bin liner sitting in

the middle of the restaurant. It's like an art critic's car broke down

outside and it's like - sheet what are we going to do. It's the

centrepiece. It looks like a bin. Modern art. The Tate Modern in

London has just opened up its new wing. Yeah. The new extension. A

website went to it and wrote an article about it. It has twice as

many live parrots as it has paintings. It only has two parrots.

LAUGHTER. Two parrots that destroyed 50 paintings. Yeah. It will be hard

to get down to this place. We could go to the Naked Restaurant in

London, which is just - You could. It's a pop-up restaurant, which is

pretty unfortunate... APPLAUSE Japan is opened up a Naked

Restaurant, they have banned people who are overweight or too old or

have tattoos. It says, if you are more than 15 kilos above the average

weight for your heat we ask you refrain from making ing a res

certificate vagus. You may be weighed. Patrons of 18-60 are

allowed in. You are asked for ID to age you you if you look 61.

Presumably you haven't got your passport on you! Let me get that.

No, don't worry, sir. A device has been approved in America by the FDA,

it's called the - aspire assist. Have you heard of this? No. It

allows you to, it's a weight treatment, basically, it allows you

to drain food directly from your stomach into a nearby toilet. What?

Yes. They make a little hole here. They give you what is called a skin

port. That has a tube leading to your stomach. When you finish your

meal, you go to loo, open your skin port, massage yourself. You put

water back in to replace it. You can 30% of the calories you've eaten

this way. I've got a hole that I use...

APPLAUSE. LAUGHTER.

We have a photo of it here! I will show you later. OK. It is time for

our final fact of the show. That is Andrew Hunter Murray. Britain has

its first ever robot office manager, called Betty, she has a short-term

contract in Milton Keynes. This robot, Betty, it's a smart robot

working for a firm called Transport Systems Catapult and her job is, she

patrols the office and she collects data on temperature and humidity and

things like this. It's creepy. They say it's through Ethics Committees.

It finds out which members of staff are in at night and shouldn't be and

report them. If she spots something that is out of place she take as

photo and emails it to her bosses saying - "what is this why is this

here?" I have a photo of her. This is Betty with one of her new

colleagues. Obviously, Betty is the one on the left.

Yeah. She has a younger brother, hasn't she? An older brother, sorry.

Bob. He worked as a security guard in Tewkesbury in 2014. I don't know

if he's kept the job. How many wronguns did he slam? One called

Linda they were testing in 2013. It got stuck in thick carpet and had to

text for help. LAUGHTER. They are trying to humanise all

these robots. There is a very famous robot called. I met him. Did you?

I've danced with him. He did not call!

He texted for help at the time. APPLAUSE He gets taken around the

world, set up on dates, apparently! He gets taken around the world and

he does demonstrations where he talks to various groups of people.

He can speak in lots of different languages. When in Italy they

created a special reprogramming so that when he talks he now talks with

his arms. It's amazing. Lshgs there is an interesting study that came

out that is showing an interesting new development between humans and

robots. That is the study says that touching robots in their private

parts turns humans on. Right. Yeah. Think did an experiment where they

had 10 volunteers touching robots in 13 different places. They found when

it got to the more intimate areas the person touching it had a slight

arousal. Now, they say it's not an arousal for the robot, it's an

arousal for the idea of touching somewhere. It's interesting because

the robot actually, you can see footage of this robot. It's amazing.

Sitting down, in quite a sexy position, I have to say. You don't

need need to justify it. It says stuff to the person he says, "touch

me here? " This is one of the comments you can hear the robot say.

We will play it in now. Please, touch my buttocks. This takes me

back! This is my favourite robot of the week. A Twitter robot. It's been

instructed, I hate to drag the conversation back to Donald Trump.

It immediately replies to Donald Trump's tweets. If anyone replies to

those tweets and reply to Donald Trump it will write nonsense

sentences to them. A lot of Donald Trump supporters have been getting

into heated arguments with the robot.

Another tweet was. He likes to lick them, he likes to ride hogs. Bro,

you seem V nice. Sounds like Trump could be controlling this account.

That's it. That is all of our facts. Time to share four stories we didn't

have time to cover. James. Wales' first ever win over England.

The final score was 1-0. The only goal came after England's keeper was

barged over as he threw the ball out. The goal was allowed to stand

by the referee. This is from Bloomberg this week. The news that a

chemistry professor testing out a weed breathalyser using students as

guinea pigs. One of the students tested positive for drugs before the

trial dose had been administered. That was until the student

remembered he had smoked a joint at breakfast. The kem chemistry

professor's name is "herb. " The youngest person on the Queen's

honour list is a 21-year-old who got it for his extraordinary plumbing

and heating prowess. Finally, Andy. From the New York Times. It's that

nearly four years after Richard III was discovered under a car park in

Leicester archeologist think they may have discovered Henry I under a

car park. Henry was a reforming King and would have been fascinated by

the idea of cars and transport amay well have liked being buried under a

car park. LAUGHTER. Now to Jane Hill in the studio who

will reveal why she has been calling me Bernard this entire series.

# Never going to run around and desert you... #

What! # Never going to make you cry and

say goodbye... # We got Rickrolled by Jane Hill.

That's been No Such Thing as the News, we'll see you soon. Goodbye.

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